Dragon Knights Fan Fiction ❯ Twenty Themes ❯ Afterlife ( Chapter 4 )

Warnings: Yet another Alfeegi fic, the grim spectre of death, escape from remorse and regret, life's last gasp, melancholy more than angst,
Size: 5.84kb

Put two different people in the same position and you get different results. That's perspective. Tears, anger, resignation, laughter: it's all a matter of perspective. Even the same person can exhibit different behaviour, depending on how their mindset's changed. Just try asking the same question first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Life is a journey. The destination is the same for everyone, so what's the important part? Why did it take me so long to realise? I had to laugh at the end. I had a lot of time to think, more than most.

I spent my life wastefully: time spent stressed, time spent angry, time spent reading through and sorting old expense reports in an attempt to estimate how far above the average each of the Dragon Officers had been claiming. Ten beautiful days were wasted in the records room. At least, I think so, when I emerged from the gloom, night had already fallen.

I shouted, yelled, screamed, planned retribution - okay, so maybe I wasn't that severe, but is it right to be so focused that you miss out on what's important? Yes, I was consumed with importance, but I'd defined it incorrectly. Does anyone really need to worry about the petty things?

When I was young, I ran and played. I smelled the roses, then pulled off the petals and felt their softness. I rolled in mud and sang off-key. I never worried except about missing meals and getting to the blackberries after the other children. When did that stop? When was the last time I smiled and didn't mean it sarcastically? When was the last time my shoulders untensed and I relaxed?

I don't think that I've ever spent too much time with myself. My thoughts are always occupied... were, I have to start using that word... were always occupied with others, with their deficiencies, with how they made minor tasks more annoying, with how they didn't care as much about "the important things", with how they smiled and laughed and goofed off.

I never planned. I mean, I was always planning, but I was Mister Short Term, which is funny for a dragon. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I was trying to fool myself. Maybe I was trying to distract myself from the reality of a life that lasts far beyond what should be. Heh, everyone is in the same boat here. I guess that what happened to Rath affected us all. To think that one of us would change, could change, especially one so young, so full of life. We were looking forward to all the things he'd see, the things he'd show us - a reminder of a time so long gone that few of us remember any more. Life is built on change, but no-one's comfortable with it - the older you are, the more you resent it. Change is good - in theory - as long as it happens to someone else.

Did I rearrange my life into a static facsimile? The same complaints recycled day after day?

Now I'm losing my sense of perspective. It wasn't that bad. I'm rewriting my own life to fit my current maudlin uselessness. I'm dwelling on useless things again, wasting time, but in a slightly different way.

Maybe I should write everything down. It might be useful, although the shock of my name on the page might lead to issues over authorship that cloud the content. Kai-Stern would be happy. So would the Dragonlord; it'd give him leave to sneak out more often. Maybe not. Besides, I don't think that I could grasp a pen, or write clearly if I had one.

If only I wasn't alone. I guess I need time with myself; I've ignored Alfeegi for too long, but I'm cold and bored of being the only one talking, err, thinking. I want to ask someone else if I'm right. I want to listen to their opinions, to say goodbye. I want a hug. I want to talk about something unimportant, something silly. There isn't much time left and I want to fill in on the things I missed. What could we talk about? Food? Girls? The local footrace? Clouds? Drinking? Girls?

Heh, I stopped playing with them far too soon. Girls mean change. Human, dragon, succubi - they were the worst. I don't know what you've heard, but stay away. It's not right to mess with girls' feelings, but I didn't know what I was doing. I was pretty clueless, never understood them, or their moods. One day I got fed up and gave up. So I stepped away and never learned the proper way to do it; the correct way to fall for someone and not have it base and meaningless. Why didn't I ask her to come with me to the garden at midnight and watch the stars fall?

I would have been a terrible father but I wish that I'd the courage to try. I wonder if she would have had a girl with blue eyes - like her mother.

I pushed everyone away and right now, it seems that I've got what I always wanted.

I wonder how long I've been here.

Will someone find me before the end?

Is it too late? Did I pass over and not realise?

How will I look; dignified or an ugly mess?

Has it finished yet, or am I still dying?

I'm finally unafraid of change, although... I wish... why didn't I have the courage not to be alone then? There will be nothing of me left. No one will pass down my name.

"How did things go so badly?"

I don't want to face this final step alone.

"I wish I could see her one last time before I go."

She would hold my hand and squeeze it tight.

"Before I die, I'd like to see her blue eyes just once more."

Just once more.

"Alfeegi"

What? How can it be you? Am I forgiven?

No. But thank you for being with me. I'm finally grateful for the company.

I'm not completely happy with this chapter, but I'm moving on.