Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Time for Healing ❯ Been Undone ( Chapter 23 )
Dee finds that in order for his own healing to begin he must help those he hurt to heal as well.
Anime/Manga: Fake Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Police / Hentai / Drama / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.30.2003 | Pages: 4 | Words: 12.8K | Visits: 700 | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: We do not own FAKE or its characters. They belong to Sanami Matoh, lucky girl! Any original characters belong to either Irish or Wildefyre. Please do not use Lyn or Drew and/or their likenesses without gaining Permission first.
Warnings: Thus far just Shounen AI but then again that's what FAKE is anyway. It may become Yaoi further along. This may have the guys out of Character somewhat, so Gomen for that and we are taking some creative freedom on histories & backgrounds and lives as they are now... Deal with it! ^_~
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful
I have been unreachable
I have been un-teachable
I have been unwilling
I've been undesirable
Sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm not sure of
But because of you
And all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved
Dee took a deep breath as he walked into the sanctuary. He had come there to confess to Father John about what had happened between him and Ryo; Drew had suggested that it might help him understand why he had lashed out the way he did. Now as he stood there, nervously clutching his cane, he wondered if even there were any answers to be had. Inhaling deeply, Dee tasted and smelled the incense that had perfumed the church for as long as he could remember. He felt his way slowly around the pews until his cane rapped the more solid corner of the confession booths. Earlier, he had stopped in the office and asked which booth Father John was in since he felt more comfortable speaking his confessions to someone who knew him. Biting his lip, Dee actually knocked on the door, not wanting to walk in on another's confession.
"Come in?" The father sounded confused. Generally confessionals had lights over the door to tell people if they were open or not, so knocking wasn't necessary.
Realizing that the Father's booth was open Dee stepped in folding up his cane as he sat on the narrow bench. "Sorry father. I ah... Couldn't see the light overhead."
"Dee, what can I do for you my son? I haven't seen you in confession for ages. Or mass for that matter." It was more of a tease then a reprimand. Father John had been the priest who had heard his first confession when he was eight, right before he took his first communion, and like mother Penguin, knew him very well.
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been..." Dee paused trying to remember when he had last confessed. "Six months since my last confession. Father I-I need help. I did something I am not very proud of. I want to make amends and show those that I care about that I won't do it again." Dee sat there, fearful of what he was about to confess to.
The Father frowned. "What happened my child? What did you do that has made you feel so penitent?"
"Father, as you know I have never hidden my sexuality or the fact that I have dated both men and women. I won't act as though how I live my life is a sin because to me love is love no matter how you slice it and that's not a sin." Dee wanted to get that out into the open as quickly as he could. He needed to establish those boundaries for his own piece of mind.
Father John laughed softly. "I am well aware of that Dee. Just thank your lucky stars that this is a Jesuit mission and orphanage. Besides I have been taking your confession since your first. If I had you on your knees saying Hail Mary's every time you told me that in confession, you would have had to become a monk. In fact, you would be doing nothing but Hail Mary's"
"I just wanted to be sure that that wouldn't come into judgment here. I am currently in a relationship with a guy whom I love with my whole heart. I want to spend my life with him Father but I may have messed that up and I'm worried that I could lose him because of it." Dee said. His hands were beginning to shake. "I figured that if I could discover why I did what I did... I need help Father. I need to make things right with my partner."
"All right. Well what did you do? Confession is good for the soul my son." The priest sat in his booth crossing his legs while bringing his fingers to a steeple as he prepared to listen to whatever tale Dee had to tell.
"I became angry and I struck him. I hurt the man I love because of I couldn't see past the blind rage I was in." Dee lowered his head. "I not only hurt him physically but verbally as well and I am ashamed of it. I also hurt our friends who have been so kind to Ryo and I... I'm ashamed of that as well."
"I see..." There was a long pause. "You do realize that even though I can absolve you, it isn't God's forgiveness that you need? God would forgive Hitler if he were asked. It's your partner's forgiveness that you need."
"I know. I just... I just need help seeing why I did it. If I'd lose him Father..." Dee raised his head, moisture was wetting his long eyelashes and he blinked it away. "I blamed him for my attacker's case being thrown out of court and I said things to him that hurt him, Father. Things I never meant. I committed the worse sin a lover could. I demeaned him in front of our friends."
"Do forgive yourself my child?"
"No. I can't. I can't forgive myself for hurting him like that. He's in the hospital right now. I caused him to slip a disk in his back and now he may have to have more surgery to repair the damage. Damage that I caused because I couldn't control the rage I was feeling." Dee lowered his head again as his hands came up to cover his face. "I was so angry... He didn't deserve that! What have I done? Why did I hurt him?"
"You need to forgive yourself before you can expect forgiveness from anyone else Dee. The action has already happened. You can't change that. Now you need to accept that it was through your own actions and choices that your partner was hurt. Only you know why you did it and only you can see the path to forgiveness."
"How can I forgive myself Father? I am supposed to love him and to protect him. I'm his friend, partner and lover, someone whom he should feel safe around. Yet I-I hurt him. I broke that trust he had in me. Ruined that sense of security." Lowering his hands, Dee turned his head towards the direction of the priest's voice. "The thing is, he's forgiven me. He still loves me despite what I did. How can he do that? How can someone have such a kind and caring heart and still want to love me?"
"We are all sinners Dee. Every last one of us. Him included. You are as worthy of love as he, as any of us. You cannot change what you did. Now you need to make amends and forgive yourself, then do your best to show him that it was only a one-time occurrence. I think the most important thing is for you to accept responsibility for your actions."
"I am sorry Father. I am so sorry for what I have done. Help me to forgive myself? I don't know how? I try but I can't seem to do it." Dee felt the tears slip from his eyes, hot and salty sliding down his cheeks. "If he will let me I will spend the rest of my life showing him how much I love him and how sorry that I am."
"Let us pray together." He reached through the small opening between the divider of the priest's booth and the confessional and tugged gently on Dee's hand urging him to kneel. "Do you have your Rosary with you?"
"Yes I do Father." Dee took his Rosary from his pocket. Father John knelt grabbing his own rosary and waited as Dee knelt down, clutching his Rosary tightly. His hands shook as he held them while tears still dotted eyes that could no longer see the world around him. "Ready." Dee spoke softly almost afraid of what was to come yet still welcoming the comfort this always gave him.
"Hail Mary full of grace, the lord is with thee, blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus Christ, and blessed are thou among women..."
Together they prayed for nearly an hour the repetition and monotony of the prayer allowing Dee's mind to fall into a more serene state. His subconscious unraveled the knot of emotion Dee wasn't even aware of. Finally the aging father touched his shoulder gently. "How do you feel my son?"
"Like I can finally heal and move forward. I think I know why I did it Father. I was afraid. Afraid that because this woman is allowed to go free that she could return and finish what she started. Without my sight I am useless, Father. That scared me, still does, and I just couldn't handle it. I was so embarrassed by my own weakness that I turned it into anger and lashed out at the first person I could. The one who trusts me and loves me no matter how stupid I act sometimes." Dee took a deep breath. The heaviness in his heart had lifted some. "Thank you Father. Thanks for renewing the spirit within my heart."
"Any time my son. It is my job after all. " The priest smiled. "Although I really can't give you any advice on affairs of the heart, I am a priest after all and I don't know very much about romance," he chuckled softly. "I am always glad to help in other ways. Just let me know if there is anything else that I can do and good luck, my son."
"Father? Can someone help me find Peng...? Mother?" Dee asked, knowing that Penguin had no problem with discussing matters of the heart. "The person who brought me here had to go back home so I have to call him when I'm ready to leave but I want to speak with Mother first."
"Absolutely." The priest stood and stepped out of the confessional taking Dee's elbow when he too stepped out, guiding him down a series of hallways. "I think she is in the nursery. Yup, here she is. Hello Sister Maria. Dee is here to see you."
Penguin turned and smiled at Dee. Nodding to another nun to take over, she walked out of the room. "Dee what troubles you my son? I can see the pain on that angelic face of yours." She nodded to Father John and then led Dee towards the kitchen. "Come, we'll have some tea and you can tell me then."
"Angelic? Penguin, I think that's the first time I have ever heard you use that word in the same sentence as my name." Dee laughed.
"All my children are angels. It's just that some have had their wings clipped a little."
"And their halos tarnished. And their harps broken..." Dee teased before taking a deep breath. "Well, it's about Ryo, Penguin..."
"How is he doing? I know that he is in the hospital. What happened? I have been trying to reach you to find out for I was very worried about you." She asked, concern wrinkling her brow. Pouring tea for the both of them, she set a cup in front of Dee and then sat down next to him, taking one of his hands in his.
"Well..." Dee swallowed hard. "It's my fault that he's in the hospital. Mother? I hit him and he fell. He slipped a disk... I also said things to him that hurt him deeply, Penguin."
"Why? What happened to cause you to strike the one you love? Did Randy do something to you?" She got defensive as she always did when it came to one of her children.
"No! Nothing like that. It was me! I was scared and embarrassed and I struck out. It was wrong of me to do so. Very wrong." Dee bowed his head over his tea, sighing deeply.
"Oh Dee. You mustn't feel scared or embarrassed around the one who loves you. Surely you must know that Randy would understand? I assume that you and Father John had a long talk? Did it help?"
"Yes we did. I still feel bad but I am ready to do what ever it takes to earn Ryo's trust again."
"Despite it all he still loves you right? That's a true test of the hearts Dee. It shows that his love for you runs deeper then anything physical. You two are connected by not only your hearts but your souls as well." Penguin reached out and hugged Dee. "You obviously love him very much as well."
"He does, and I do." Dee nodded, secure in that at least, as he hugged mother back.
"Then what still troubles your heart Dee?" She asked, her voice staying soft and serene.
"I know I can never make it up to him but I want to try anyway. I'm just not sure where to start."
"Start by telling him everything Dee. Tell him your fears. Tell him what is in your heart. Let him see what it is you fight to hide. If his love is as strong as I know it is he won't judge you but will embrace you instead." Penguin reached out to touch Dee's cheek. "All you have to do is show to him your true heart. Maybe not the same parts that you show God but the parts of your heart reserved for everything else."
Dee nodded taking a sip of his tea. "I will Mother. I love him so much. Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I wasn't blind. It has a silver lining, just like you told me everything does... Ryo and I have made some wonderful and giving friends. Ryo and I also have each other. Sometimes I feel like I have sacrificed a lot for it though."
"Maybe God wanted you to see with your heart for a change. Sometimes what we see with our eyes isn't the real thing. I know that it's hard Dee but his master plan for you will be revealed and you will know it then." She sighed, her heart aching for the man she had always thought of as a son.
"I know but I can rarely wait through the span of a commercial, let alone wait long enough for God to reveal His plan. I think the Bible says somewhere that a thousand years is but a moment to him. Problem is I've got fifty left in me, at best."
"Dee you are still so young and have so much of your life to live yet. Don't rush through it. Take the time to enjoy it." She took both his hands in hers. "Use this time to do just that. To stop and smell the roses, so to speak. I am an old woman who has seen many things in my lifetime. My time on this Earth draws closer to an end. There are many things I have yet to accomplish. Just as you have. Don't waste those precious moments on worry. Use them wisely. Use them to love those who love you."
"You're right Mother." Dee nodded draining his teacup. "Except about one thing. You will out live us all Penguin. You're too stubborn to die."
"It'll happen Dee. Just as it happens to all of us but I take comfort in knowing that I will live on in Heaven." She smiled and then kissed his cheek. "Now I need to get back to my children and you should get back to your family."
Dee nodded. "Can I use the phone to call for my ride?"
"Sure." Penguin led him to the phone. For the first time in weeks Dee felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Maybe he could go forward and begin this new life that had been thrust at him. As long as he had those he loved by his side anything was possible.
Andrew sighed softly as he limped into the house, flipping through the mail with Dee in tow. It was a hot day and Andrew had damn near broken a sweat just walking from the car into the house. Duke was far too lazy to be bothered to get up and greet them. He merely rolled an eye in their general direction. The blast of cool air once they were in the house was greatly welcomed by both men. Andrew flopped down on the couch stretching his legs out in front of him with a groan. "God it's hot. How did things go at the orphanage?"
"Okay I think." Dee sat down on a chair and clasped his hands between his knees. Father John felt that I needed to forgive myself for what I did. I spent an hour saying Hail Mary's but it still seems almost selfish to forgive myself if I can't get anyone around me to forgive me." Dee sighed as he sat there. "I know that what I did was deplorable and I can't expect anyone to forgive me but that's just what I need to do, Drew."
Andrew was quiet a moment. "Yeah it was deplorable Dee but you've never had to ask for my forgiveness because I've already forgiven you. I understand that sometimes we just need to atone for our actions to make us feel like we deserve it." Andrew paused again, this time longer, slowly gathering his thoughts. Andrew tended to talk for a bit then remain silent for even longer while he carefully chose his words. "A shiner isn't anything between friends. It happens. Mind you, I won't be happy if ya hit me again but I've been hurt a lot worse. What is harder to wrap my mind around is how you could hurt Ryo?"
"Hurting Ryo is something I will never cut myself any slack for." Dee closed his eyes tightly. "I don't know if I deserve even his forgiveness for that. I do love him Drew. God my heart aches knowing that twice now I have pushed him away with words that stung. I'm scared Drew. Scared that if Marlo would attack again that I wouldn't live through it. I'm scared of the future that right now is so uncertain. I guess I turned that fear into anger because I was embarrassed to show it. I'm ashamed of that more then anything." Dee quickly dabbed at the moisture forming in his eyes. Dee had decided after his confession to confront each of the people involved, hoping to atone and amend. If he were to forgive himself, this had to be done.
"Dee we all have times when we are afraid. You need to realize that none of us can help you or let you lean on us when you need to if you aren't honest to yourself and with us about what you are really feeling. We all love and care about you Dee. I know that you're in a really hard spot right now. I know what it feels like to feel helpless and emasculated. Believe me. But Dee, accepting help isn't weakness. I think the problem is you haven't been really accepting help. You've been letting us help because you feel that you have no choice when deep down you resent all of us, and our help because you are forced to accept it."
"It's just that I have never depended on anyone before. I have always been my own person. I know that sounds like bullshit considering that when you and Lyn first met me, I had Ryo doing everything for me. That was at a time when I was actually ready to give in. Drew, back then, I just wanted to curl up and die." Dee lowered his head. "I couldn't do that to Ryo though. I couldn't leave him. Even in death I'd be lost without him." His hands shook as he sat there. "Help me Drew. Help me to accept what has happened to me and to learn to reach out for help? I don't know how. I-I don't know how." His voice trailed off as he attempted to regain control of his emotions.
"I don't know how you teach someone to ask for help Dee." Andrew leaned forward looking at Dee. His calm gray eyes, as gentle as the sea on a cloudy day, gazed at his friend intensely. "We, all of us, have done all of this for you because we love and care about you and because we know, situations reversed, that you would do the same for us. You help us out too. It's been nice having another adult around the house to help with the girls when we need it. Hell it's just been nice having another adult in the house. I know that the kind of help you need is a lot more tangible but don't think that you don't repay us. Not that we need you too, but it's not like you're some burden we all drag along after us just because we feel we have to. We love you Dee. Ryo loves you. That much is so blatantly obvious even a blind man could see it." The pun was definitely intended. "But Lyn and I, we love you too. The girls love you to death, they think that you are the best thing since formula."
Dee had to chuckle slightly at Drew's comments. "I almost feel undeserving of that love. You're not supposed to love those who hurt you. When Ryo told me that he forgave me, even I questioned it. He should have told me to get lost but he didn't and I felt like shit. I want to make it up to him. I want to show him that what I feel in my heart is real. I love him so much Drew. I'm so scared of losing him that I think at times I purposely push him away just to keep it from hurting so much." Dee raised his head; tears were now trickling down over his tanned cheeks. "I don't think I can ever fully accept my blindness but would you help me to learn to live with it and deal with it? Please?"
"Of course Dee. You know more then you think that you do. You just need to learn that it's okay to mess up sometimes and run into walls, or mismatch your socks. Hell I do both of those things on a regular basis and I'm not blind. It's okay to mess up and be afraid that you'll get hurt. I think that's the biggest step you need to take to truly live with your blindness. As for Ryo? Treat him like a prince for a while and don't let him dissuade you from it."
"I'll treat him like a prince for the rest of my life Drew. He deserves that. He's got the biggest and purest heart of anyone I have ever met or known." Dee stood up and made his way over to Drew. "I know this is going to sound corny and so stupid but could I have a hug? I really could use one right now. I feel so bad over what I did to all of you. I know that sorry can't fix it but I'll try to do what it takes. I can't lose you or Lyn just like I can't risk losing Ryo." Dee stood there, his head lowered as he trembled. "I want to make it up to all of you."
"Of course you can Dee." Andrew stood and embraced his friend tightly. "You're not going to loose us. Lyn is going to be a damn hard sell, you two have made progress but... well, it's his story to tell. Don't give up Dee. We are all here pulling for you. We have faith in you."
"Thank you Drew. I can't tell you how much that means to me." Dee hugged Drew tightly as he softly cried. "I don't deserve any of this but I thank you for giving it to me."
"You're welcome Dee. You're very welcome." Andrew held his friend trying to offer him some comfort. He loved Dee and Ryo like brothers and it hurt to see them hurt. He was willing to do whatever he could to get them back on track.
Dee walked outside to grab a cigarette, needing time to pull himself together. He could hear Cal and Bikky off in the distance and sighed. 'I guess they're next. I just hope Bikky can forgive me. As much as that brat works on my nerves, I love him to pieces.' Dee finished his cigarette and then headed in the direction of the voices. "Bikky? Cal? Can I have a word with you two?"
Bikky caught the basketball on the rebound and looked over to Cal who shrugged. "I suppose..."
Bikky said grudgingly, "what do you want, asshole?"
Dee stiffened. "I deserved that. What can I do to prove to you that I do love Ryo and that I am eternally sorry for what I did? Help me out guys... Please?" Dee stood there, afraid to move a muscle.
"You can just rot in hell!" Bikky shot back. He had put two and two together and knew exactly why Ryo was in the hospital.
"Bikky! Be nice." Cal glowered at her friend, before turning to Dee. "I don't know Dee? You hurt Ryo real badly. Why did you do that? You're not supposed to hurt people that you love."
Dee stood there feeling the sting of Bikky's words tear through his heart. "I... I was scared. I can't protect you two anymore. I can't even protect Ryo or myself for that matter. I live in fear that Marlo could come back and finish me off." Dee lowered his head. "Maybe that would be for the better. If I could change what I did to Ryo I would. I can't though. All I can do now is to show him just how much he really means to me." Tears once more made their trek down over Dee's cheeks. "Help me... Help me to fix things. Please?"
"God! You, you, you! It's always about Dee Latener, super jerk! Do you ever think about anyone else? I was nice to you asshole! I said that I loved you but then you went and hurt my dad. What's next? You gonna start hitting the girls and us?" Bikky snapped, turning his head away as Cal crept closer to Dee.
"You would never hurt the girls or us, would you Dee?" But her voice was unsure.
"God no! I love you all so much. I'm to blame for this. I've been such a fool and now all I can do is ask you to forgive me. Please Bikky this isn't about me. This is... Oh God I'm trying to make things right here. Ryo does deserve better. He doesn't deserve someone like me. He deserves someone who will love him and treat him like a king." Dee swallowed hard. "Would you rather that I leave Bikky?" He had to ask.
"Oh sure Latener, when the going gets tough Dee Latener runs out. Who cares what it would do to Ryo or me? Dammit Dee if I didn't love you and think of you as some part of my family I wouldn't care! I would have told you to get the hell out! I would have protected Ryo! But you are... You are part of my family." Bikky sniffled, wiping angrily at his eyes. "I don't want to forgive you but I have to. I have to because I love you and it sucks!"
"Then hate me! I deserve that! What do you want me to do Bikky? If I stay, you'll forever hold my past against me, if I leave, you'll forever hate me. So just hate me now and be done with it. I hurt the best things that have come into my miserable life! I hurt those I loved with all my heart. The day I did that, a part of me died and no matter what I do or say I'll never heal that pain." Dee inched closer before grabbing Bikky and holding him close. "Please Bikky I'm asking for your forgiveness. Give me the chance to prove to you that my love for Ryo and for you is real."
Bikky griped Dee tightly. "I hate that I love you but I do and I can't change that. I... I can't forgive you right now. You... You be good to my dad and maybe I can. I love you but I need you to prove it first. Be good to my dad Latener. Be a good dad to ME dammit!" Bikky cried pressing his face against Dee's chest. "I don't want you to go anywhere."
"I will Bikky. I promise. I'll be the best father and lover this family has ever seen. I love you son." The words rolled off Dee's tongue just as quickly as his tears rolled off his cheeks. "Cal? Princess? Come here sweetheart." Dee held out one arm for her while he clung tightly to Bikky. "Please?" Cal hesitated a moment, biting her nails, crying softly. With a sob she rushed over to Dee practically knocking him over as she wrapped her arms around him, also hiding her face in his chest.
"I am sorry you two. I promise I'll make you proud of me. I promise to always love you two. I promise to be there for you both. I promise..." Dee sobbed softly as he knelt down and cradled both kids against him. "I love both of you so much."
"I love you too Dee." Cal sobbed. Bikky just clung to his dad tightly, crying until his tears were all gone as the three of them settled on the pavement. Bikky wiped his eyes, still sniffling a little, embarrassed to be crying outside and in front of Cal no less.
"You know they make basketball hoops that beep so that you and I can still shoot hoops?" Bikky offered. His voice still wobbly but trying to sound tough, like he hadn't just soaked Dee's shirt with his tears.
"Yeah? Well we'll have to get one and hook it up to the hoop out in the lot near the apartment building or here if Drew and Lyn let us." Dee smiled a little wiping away the wetness on his own cheeks. "I'll still beat you." Dee picked up the basketball and just tossed it, literally blindly, towards where he felt the hoop was. The orange orb circled the rim before going in. "So was I at least close?"
"Hole in one." Bikky smiled a little.
"Boys are so stupid!" Cal cried, shaking her head as she tried to wipe away her own tears, still crying softly, but smiling.
"Yup we are princess. We have the tendency to be the biggest morons around. There are some exceptions though and Ryo is one of them." Dee drew a knee up to his chest and rested his chin on it. "Thanks for giving me a second chance. That means a lot to me. I promise I won't blow it this time."
"You better not, because then I will have to hurt you." Bikky replied, sounding tough. Cal just rolled her eyes. 'Yup, boys were stupid.'
"I'm going to hold you to that brat." Dee ruffled his hair as he got up, his knees making a horrible popping sound. "Man they hurt today." He rubbed them. "Do you guys know when Lyn said he'd be home? I really needed to speak with him."
"He took the girls to the park. Keiry was being a handful today." Cal replied, resting her head on Dee's shoulder. "She climbed up on the shelves in the linen closet and started pulling stuff down. It's a real mess in there. They should be back pretty soon though."
"Okay well I'll go in and straighten up that closet awhile. When you see him? Tell him that I need to talk to him okay?" Dee reached down and grabbed his cane. Slowly he made his way inside, each step making his knees feel like they were on fire. Gritting his teeth he bared the pain. 'Next to Ryo, Lyn is going to be the hardest of them all. I just hope that he gives me a chance.' Dee thought to himself as he made his way to the linen closet to clean it up.
It was the better part of an hour before Dee heard Lyn's light footsteps stop at the closet. Cal hadn't been kidding when she said Keiry had made a mess, damn near everything had been pulled off the first three shelves and Dee had found that he had to literally take everything out of the closet, refold the items before placing them back on the proper shelves. Luckily, Lyn and Drew had attached Braille tags to many of the items so that he'd know what was what.
"Cal said that you wanted to speak to me?"
"Yeah I did." Dee went to stand up, wincing as pain shot through his knees. "Can we kinda go and sit down somewhere. My knees are killing me." Dee felt really nervous about talking to Lyn even though they had had their moment last night.
"Yeah sure. You need a hand? We can sit in your room if you want to stretch out on your bed." Lyn's offer was polite and he had warmed up to Dee a lot after last night, but he was still almost painfully polite to Dee.
"That would be great. I've been kinda going around to everyone... Lyn I talked to my priest today. He seems to think that in order for me to go on I need to forgive myself for what I did. I can't fully do that until the people I love either forgive me or give me the chance to prove myself." Dee's voice quivered as he held onto Lyn's elbow, allowing the taller man to lead him.
Lyn lead Dee into the sparsely furnished spare room where Dee had been living. "Here, you get settled. I'm going to grab a pillow to sit on." Lyn left Dee allowing the man a chance to get settled before moving to the study and grabbing a bean bag chair then returning to Dee's room where he dropped it on the floor next to the bed. "Is there anything I can get you to make you more comfortable?" He was stalling.
"No I'm fine. Why do I get this feeling that you'd sooner see me take a hike. Lyn I know that there's no excuse for what I did and said to Ryo. But please give me the chance to explain. Then if you want to still hate me, I'll accept that." Dee felt his heart breaking but knew that it was his own damn fault.
Lyn stood for a moment, cracking his knuckles nervously, he really, really did not want to be having this conversation. In fact if someone had put hot coals from where he stood to the door and told him he could leave as long as he took his shoes off and left via the door, Lyn would have been walking across those coals in a moment. "Dee? For one thing, I don't hate. Hate is when you would walk by someone and see them hurt and in the gutter and spit on them. I wouldn't do that to anyone."
"Then hear me out and dislike me." Dee took a deep breath. "That day when they threw Marlo's case out was horrible but what made it worse was the fact that they wouldn't hold her. She was free to go. I-I got scared. I was so afraid that she was going to come after me again, to finish me off. If she did that and the kids or Ryo... or even you and Drew were around, I wouldn't be able to defend myself or protect any of you. I was embarrassed over that fear and like the spineless ass that I am I hid it behind anger. I never meant to hurt Ryo. I... I never meant for my voice to speak those words to him. I lost it, and for that I am ashamed. I do love him Lyn. All I saw that day was fear because I knew that I'd never survive another attack and that scared the fucking daylights out of me." Dee pressed his face into his hands. "I've never allowed myself to be afraid before. But this condition, this blindness has caused me to have thoughts and feelings that are so foreign to me..." His voice trailed off as the emotions intensified.
The silence was damn near deafening. Despite having tossed the beanbag chair to the ground Lyn had not moved to sit in it. He was standing as though super glued in place, barely even breathing. The only emotion Dee could get from him was tension and that was pouring off him like water off Niagara. Finally as moments ticked away, he spoke. "Do you have any idea what it's like Dee? Any fucking clue? The first time it's like a fucking freight train has hit you! Your day is going along just fine until he gets a little bit upset and then, BAM! Out of the fucking sky, he hits you! Even if it's not that hard of a hit it drops you like a hit from a prizefighter." Lyn was gathering steam now and there was no stopping him.
"If you say something or try and stand up for yourself, he just belittles you until you say 'hey, I would have hit me too.' Later he's all love and flowers. He is so sorry, he will never do it again. He makes all nice. Then the second time it's the same damn thing only harder! And the third and the fourth. And every time he is so sorry, he didn't mean to mark your face like that. The first time that he beats you until you can barely get up, until you've broken a few ribs he will cry and beg for your forgiveness, saying that he will never do it again. You get flowers wine and dinner when the bruises heal. By this time you're doing everything that you can to make him happy. You're perfect but it doesn't fucking matter!" Lyn took a deep breath before continuing.
"You have no fucking clue what it's like Dee! Ryo is my best friend! I love him and I have to protect him if he is too blind to protect himself! I've heard these promises before Dee so why should I believe yours?" Lyn's breath was ragged, his accent growing thicker until he stood rigid and panting, tears unfelt, cut paths down his cheeks.
Dee stood there crying and quickly made his way to Lyn. "Oh God Lyn. Is that how you see me? God Lyn I'd never do that to him! I swear to god! I'd never do that to him. I'd sooner cut off my hand before I strike him again." Dee's body shook as he reached out and pulled Lyn to him. "I'm sorry. I never realized how much pain this was causing you. I'm sorry." Dee cried. "I respect you Lyn. I respect your opinions. Should I just leave him so neither of you has to fear me? If that's what it takes to prove that I love Ryo, then I'll do it! I'd set him free if it would prove to all of you that I am sorry for what I have done and to show that it will never happen again. I'd never hurt him like that. This was a mistake Lyn! A horrible mistake. I swear it." Dee couldn't take it anymore and collapsed to his knees.
Lyn lips twitched in a feral snarl though he made no sound as he stared at Dee. He almost turned and walked out, but when he pivoted to do so, Andrew stood in the doorway. Lyn's jaw locked, Andrew wouldn't make him stay there would he? Andrew's gentle gray eyes caught Lyn's mismatched hurricanes of emotion. 'Make him understand baby. He doesn't know.' Andrew signed, watching his husband, a complex frame of strength and vulnerability. Lyn quivered, tight as a knocked and drawn bow. He took a deep breath and in one swift motion he dropped down by Dee, shucking his shirt. The scar was mostly invisible now on his back thanks to the green ink that covered it. Dee's fingers though would feel the scar. "Dee." Lyn's voice was soft, scared almost, as he led one of Dee's hands to the nape of his neck where the scar started.
Dee felt the marking, tracing it with his hands and fingers. "Oh Gods Lyn. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that. That man was a fool. That wasn't love... What I did to Ryo wasn't love either." Dee cried harder. "But I do love him Lyn. I swear to God I love him. I'm scared... What if, what if I am like that?" Sightless eyes went wide. Confusion swam through Dee faster then a Salmon trying to swim upstream to spawn. "Please Lyn, tell me that I'm not like that! I don't want to be like that! I don't want to hurt him like that!" Dee's body shook along with his hands.
Lyn gripped Dee's chin in his hand forcing Dee to face him. "Answer me one question." Lyn's voice was low and the hand that gripped Dee's face hard was shaking. "Whose fault was it? Whose fault were your actions? Who's to blame for hurting Ryo?"
"Mine! They were mine! I did it! I hurt him! I smacked him! I demeaned him!" Dee sobbed. "Oh God..." Dee knelt there tears pouring from his green eyes and unable to move. "It was me... I did all of those things!"
Lyn hugged him suddenly and furiously, holding Dee tightly to him. "Shhh... It's okay Dee. You're not like that. You know what you did was wrong." Lyn's voice was soft and gentle. He was sure he had the poor man confused out of his mind by now.
"No Lyn! I committed a sin that is beyond incomprehensible. It was a cowardly act. 'I' struck my lover because I was too damn weak to face my own pain. Dee wept softly as the realization hit him.
"Dee, listen to me because I'm really not sure that I can go through all this again." Lyn tenderly stroked Dee's hair. "Men, who are abusers never, ever take the blame for what they do. It is always someone or something else's fault. You realize what you did was wrong and that it's only your fault." Lyn tried to explain.
"It is my fault Lyn. It's my fault that I hurt the one I love. I'm so sorry." Dee sat back on his legs despite the pain.
"Yes it is your fault Dee. But in time the wounds will heal." Lyn sighed. "Here, you're going to hurt yourself." Lyn shifted so that he was leaning back against the bedside table keeping his arms around Dee so that he was forced to lean back against him and able to stretch out his legs. Lyn's long fingers tenderly stroked ebony locks from Dee's wet face. "I'm not going to be real good at comforting you right now Dee but I believe you. I believe that you would never do that again to Ryo."
Dee rested his head against Lyn's chest. "I promise you this. I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to him. Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do. I love him so much."
Lyn let Dee rest against him and shed whatever tears he needed to. "Just cry it out now." He said softly.
Dee cried for what seemed like an eternity before his body started shutting down from exhaustion. "Lyn? The man that did that to you? Is he still alive?" Dee's weakened voice was barely a raspy whisper.
"Yeah he is." Lyn replied softly hands rubbing Dee's back, trying to soothe him.
"If I'd ever meet him on the streets... I'll castrate him. No one deserves to be hurt like that! No one should be allowed to hurt people like he and I have hurt the ones we supposedly care about. I'm sorry Lyn. I'm sorry that you and Ryo, two people who deserve to be treated like kings, have had to endure so much pain. Neither of you deserved any of it, especially from assholes like myself. I'm also sorry that others like yourselves have and are going through that." Dee's eyes started to close; the emotional exhaustion had finally taken its toll. "Just know this... I love you." He said softly as his body finally succumbed to sleep.
"Love you too Dee." Lyn replied softly, reaching over and snagging a blanket from Dee's bed to drape it over the both of them while sitting with Dee until he was more deeply asleep before lifting him onto the bed and leaving him to his rest.
Dee awoke sometime later, grabbing the watch that was made for blind people and he opened it to feel the time. He had slept for almost three hours. Slowly he got up, wincing at the pain in his knees. After a quick stop in the bathroom to empty a rather full bladder, he slowly made his way downstairs. Lyn and Drew he could hear were in the kitchen and it sounded like the girls were in the playpen in the living room. Walking over to it, he heard Annie making sounds that he knew meant to pick her up. Walking over to the couch, he sat down with her in his lap. "Hey there princess. Can you forgive Uncle Dee as well for hurting Uncle Ryo? I know that you have no clue about this and all but I did something really bad." He cradled her against his chest.
Annie blinked up at her Uncle Dee, big brown eyes full of innocence as she cocked her head. She could feel how sad he was and patted his face gently. "Deh?"
"Yeah kiddo. You see, I hurt the man that I love. I hit him and said some really horrible things to him. It was all my fault. I couldn't face my fears and I turned it into anger. It was wrong Munchkin. So very wrong." Dee kissed the top of her head as he blinked back fresh tears. "Don't you ever let anyone do that to you. If someone lays a hand on you, get away from them and report it. Tell the police, your family, your friends, anyone who will listen... But most of all stay away from the one whom hurts you!"
Annie fished out the gold chain with Dee's crucifix on it that she knew was under his shirt and stuck it in her mouth, gnawing on it as she continued to watch Dee's face, wrapping her hand around one of Dee's fingers.
"If there was a way to take it all back I would, you know? But I can't. I can't undo the wrong I've done. I can only make amends and hope that those around me can forgive me for my sins." Dee took the chain from her mouth; feeling for a teething ring that he knew was always kept on the coffee table. Handing it to Annie he held her tightly. "I love you princess. I only hope that one day when you're all grown up and you hear about what I did, that you can find it in your heart to forgive me." Dee rubbed her back, sitting there with the warm bundle in his arms. Annie popped the teething ring in her mouth instead and sighed contentedly settling down in Dee's arms, falling asleep quickly, her hand still around Dee's finger. In the playpen Keiry played noisily. Squealing with amusement as she pounded on the keys of a little keyboard, watching different shapes light up in different colors. It was supposed to be a toddler piano, but Keiry loved the colors and played with it anyway. The din from her pounding on the keys was growing with each passing minute.
"Okay you little monster. I hear you." Dee stood, clenching his teeth in pain. "Man this heat and humidity is really doing a number on this body." Dee walked over and carefully laid Annie down before picking up Keiry. Sitting her down in his lap he signed to her. "So will you forgive Uncle Dee someday?"
Keiry frowned for a moment at being taken away from her toy but now that she was getting some attention that made up for it. She watched Uncle Dee sign then nodded solemnly before patting his chest.
"You will huh? That would make Uncle so happy sweetheart. I was a bad boy you know? I hurt Uncle Ryo. Uncle Dee did a bad thing. And I'm so sorry baby. I love you sweetheart." Dee signed unsure if she even understood half of what he signed yet feeling a lot better after each of his confessions.
Keiry cocked her head to the right. Her daddies didn't know it yet but that wasn't just a gesture of habit, her hearing was a little better in that ear. She wasn't sure what Uncle Dee was saying but could tell that it was very important. Grabbing his hand by his middle finger she signed 'I love you' into it in return, patting his chest again.
"I love you princess... Oh Gods I love you." Dee felt the tears sting his all ready weary eyes and cheeks that were all ready raw from his earlier bouts of emotional break down. "You really are an angel, Just like Uncle Ryo said." Dee kissed her forehead. "Wanna go see Dada Lyn and Dada Drew?" Dee asked unaware that Lyn had been listening to him the whole time.
"I can take her Dee." Lyn said softly.
Keiry looked up at him and signed. "Uncle Dee sad."
"Yeah baby he is..."
"Lyn? Would someone drop me off at the hospital tomorrow? I think Ryo and I need to have a real talk. I mean, yeah he says that he forgives me and all but I need to know. I need to know if he forgave me because he truly did or because he was afraid of me." Dee looked down at his hands, ashamed of the whole thing.
"Yeah of course. I will sort it out with Andrew. I can take the subway to work tomorrow." Lyn lifted Keiry from Dee's lap when she held her arms up to be lifted. "You doing okay?"
"Not sure. I feel numb you know? It's like something knocking the wind out of you and you're trying to catch your breath but each time you do, you get nailed again." Dee sighed, wrapping his arms around himself. "I'm just scared that Ryo is going to take a second look at things and decide that I'm not worth the effort anymore. Not that I'd blame him or anything but I don't know if I could handle that. For me it would be like a runner losing his legs." Dee felt Duke rub against his leg but when he pressed against his knees Dee couldn't stop the yelp that flew from his lips. Today was one of the worse days he had felt, as far as his knees went, in a long time.
Duke stepped away, knowing what that sound meant from people. "You're really in a lot of pain today. Let me go make you some tea." Lyn seemed to have a tea for everything and crazily enough, they worked. "Heat or cold?" Lyn offered.
"Heat. Cold just bites through the joints. I guess like Drew said, this is one of those bad days for my knees." Dee tried to smile but it wasn't easy. "Lyn be honest with me please? When Ryo announced that he forgave me, what went through your mind? I mean how did you feel about that?" Dee turned his head in Lyn's direction. "I just want to see if my own suspicions are right. That Ryo wasn't thinking right and he was afraid to ream me out."
Lyn shrugged. "I thought that he was crazy. That's about it. I think he was sincere though he might give you a better piece of his mind this time around...."
"Thanks. I just thought that you'd have read him the riot act about it that's all." Dee sighed. "He had better bitch me out or else. I should earn that forgiveness, not have it handed to me on a silver platter."
"Bitching him out wouldn't have done me any good. I did talk to him about it. Forgiveness can never be earned it can only be given Dee." Lyn shifted Keiry onto his hip.
"I don't even deserve that." Dee's voice trailed off as he lowered his head. "I'll uhm... Pass on the tea for now. I think that I need to just get a little fresh air. I still don't feel real good about myself and I guess I'm having trouble understanding how people can still be kind to me after all I've done." Dee rose slowly, biting his bottom lip to stem the cry of pain as he clutched his cane.
"Dee come on, you can't go anywhere like that. Here," he set Keiry down in the playpen and moved over to Dee's side, putting Dee's arm over his shoulder and an arm around his waist. He half carried him out onto the back deck to get him settled in a reclining lawn chair with his legs stretched out in front of him. "Sit back and I will go get the hitting pad and your cigarettes. And some horse piss in a bottle... I mean your beer." Lyn smiled a little.
"Why you!" Dee smiled. "Lyn? You're the best friend a lame guy could have. Ryo's not the only one lucky enough to know you." Dee reached down to pet Duke who had followed them out. "So are you still mad at me too or can we go back to being bird watching pals? Well, you watch, I listen." He grinned.
Duke licked Dee's hand as Lyn went into the house to retrieve the items. With a snort the Great Dane gave Dee's face a lick as well before lying down next to Dee with his head just in range of Dee's hand."Yup I seemed to be good at screwing up. Oh well at least when I do it I do it well." Dee smiled a little more. "Anyway, next time I allow my hotheaded ego to get out of control, tear me to bits. You hear?" Duke woofed and rolled over on his back, right under Dee's hand, waiting for attention.
"Boy aren't you easy to please. Too bad humans aren't like that huh? Imagine if the only thing we had to worry about was finding a comfortable spot to lie in and having someone rub our bellies? Not caring that you're going to the bathroom in front of someone, or where the hell you do go and last but not least.... Not giving a damn that you're licking your wanker or ass! Ah a dog's life!" Dee snickered.
"Yeah but then you would have to lick your own arse and that's disgusting!" Lyn snickered stepping out onto the deck, pausing to plug in the heating pad before laying it across Dee's knees and handing him a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of beer.
"Got something against rimming? It's not so bad once you get over the hang up that it's gross." Dee arched an eyebrow and smirked. Once again his forwardness towards sex was coming to the
forefront.
"Frankly, I think it's terribly unsanitary. Well, not that sex in general isn't, but that more so then most. But hey that's just my personal preference." Lyn shrugged.
"Not if your partner is clean. You'd be surprised at how erotic it can be. I bet I could get Ryo shooting in no time if I did him." Dee grinned. "Like they say, don't knock it until you try it. Now fisting is another thing! Why anyone would want someone's fist up their ass? I'll never know." Dee shuddered over that.
Lyn chuckled a little shaking his head. "It's almost impossible to get that clean. And you assume I haven't tried it. Fisting is definitely out there. That just sounds dangerous and painful if you ask me." Lyn shuddered a little.
"I knew men who were into it. Oh and hand held showers are a must in any gay or bi bathroom." Dee grinned and then started laughing. "Ryo asked me once how men stay clean for each other, and when I told him I thought for sure that he was going to die of embarrassment. Oh God it was funny! He was stammering and pretty soon excusing himself to go into the kitchen. I could hear him going 'Oh God... I had to ask.' That was just so damn cute!"
Lyn chuckled shaking his head. "Ryo is a little naive about these things..."
"True but I get the feeling that when he finally gets comfortable in his own skin I'm going to be walking funny quite a lot." Dee laughed harder. "It's that naiveté that I find so endearing about him. He's the greatest Lyn. Everything I have ever wanted in a partner."
"Good. I'm sure that he feels the same." Lyn smiled a little then sighed as Keiry started to cry. "Just hang out and relax. I've got to go help Andrew with the girls."
"Gotcha." He sighed. He missed having Ryo around to talk to in the evenings. It was a habit he had gotten to like. After dinner he and Ryo would sit in the living room and talk the night away or if it were warm enough, sit out on the fire escape. He hadn't done that in so long that he missed it terribly now. "Well, Duke looks like it's just you and I." His eyes saddened. "God Ryo I miss you. I need you back in my life and soon."
Later the next morning Andrew drove Dee over to the hospital before taking the girls across the street to the park, his cell phone set to ring so Dee could call him when he was done.
Dee stood outside Ryo's door, taking several deep breaths before pushing the door open slowly. "Ryo? You awake?" Dee listened for the slightest sound.
"Yeah Dee I'm up." Lyn had called Ryo last night, giving him a heads up on Dee's visit.
"I-If you're b-busy I-I could come back l-later." Dee stood there stammering like a fool. No wonder, he was scared senseless.
Ryo smiled a little. "Yes Dee I'm really, really busy. I'm counting dots on the ceiling. Please come in baby."
Dee made his way over to the bed. "Ryo we need to talk. Yesterday I went to see Father John. I have been having a hard time dealing with what I had done, to Lyn and Drew and mainly to you. I needed to find a way to heal and he thought that I had to forgive myself but part of me still can't do that." Dee stood there by the bed with his head lowered.
"Have a seat Dee." Ryo offered quietly. "And what is it you need from me to forgive yourself?"
"I'm not sure if I need anything. Reassurance that I still have a place in your heart maybe?" Dee pulled up a chair and sat by the bed; afraid to sit on the bed itself since he had no idea how Ryo was going to respond to him.
"Yes I still love you. I just hope that it isn't a foolish fancy that will land me right back here in a few months when you're done being sorry." Ryo studied his lover, perturbed.
"Last night Lyn made me see a lot of things Ryo. Things I'm not proud of at all. I know about his scar and how he got it and all of a sudden I realized that that was how everyone saw me. Ryo? Baby? I don't want to be like that monster that hurt Lyn. I'm dying inside every day that you lie here because I put here. All of this is my fault and I know sorry doesn't mean squat coming from me but I am sorry. I..." Dee quickly hid his face behind his hands. All morning he kept promising himself that he wouldn't break down but as all things go, that promise was slowly ebbing away.
"I know. Lyn told me. He told me that you accepted all responsibility for what happened. I love you Dee and I do forgive you but I'm still mad and hurt." Ryo reached out, laying a hand on Dee's shoulder.
"I understand. Ryo if you feel uncomfortable with me or think that our relationship is ending you'd tell me right? I mean... You uhm... You wouldn't be scared not to say anything." When Dee lowered his hands, the tears were all ready flowing silently.
"Dee I'm not scared of you. I'm angry at you. The only reason you hurt me is because you caught me off guard. You can't hurt me if I don't let you." Ryo sighed. It was true though. had he been paying attention, Dee would have never touched him but he allowed himself to be distracted and that had been just foolish.
"I am sorry Ryo. What can I do to prove to you that I won't do that again? Please tell me? Anything you say I'll do. If you ask me to get out of your life I will. If you ask me to walk through fire, I'll do that too. I-I can't live without you. God Ryo I've been such a fool. I love you so much. Ryo I-I need help. I'm scared." Dee sat there crying softly afraid to move a muscle.
"Come here Dee." Ryo said softly, wincing as he scooted over an inch to make room for Dee.
Dee stood and almost timidly sat on the edge of the bed, his hand reaching out to clasp Ryo's and to bring it to his lips. "I'm so scared Ryo. I'm afraid of turning into a monster. An abuser. I don't want to be like that baby."
"Only you can make that choice Dee. That's something I can't help you with. I love you and I am willing to forgive you and give you a second chance because I do love you But Dee...," Ryo paused a moment trying to gather himself, tears forming in his eyes. "Those things you said..."
"I know. I have regretted every last syllable. I know words hurt just as deeply if not more. I know that physical wounds may heal but the emotional ones can last a lifetime. If I could take them back I would." Dee shifted and leaned down, pressing his forehead against Ryo's. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to my pathetic life and I keep messing it up."
Ryo ran his hands through Dee's hair. "Dee..." Ryo sniffled a little, looking into his lover's face with his heart aching. "I... I don't know what to tell you? You've made me question everything we've had and done together. I... Every time I think about making love with you again... I want it but I get all tied up inside. I want you to enjoy what we do and I want to enjoy it as well."
"Ryo I am so sorry baby. You have always been wonderful. No one has ever been able to turn me on like you do. After I said those things that day, I-I wanted to die Ryo. I knew that I had hurt you in the worse possible way that I could and I have hated myself for it ever since." Dee kissed away Ryo's tears. "Let me make it up to you and show you how much you mean to me. Please?"
"Okay Dee, okay. But it's not going to be easy. There is a lot of hurt to heal and I love you but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less." Ryo ran his fingers through Dee's ebony locks again and again. "God how I wish none of this had happened. It's some sick twist of fate. If only I had told you earlier. If I had been more honest with myself you would have been at my place that night and not at yours. You would have never gone out to that bar... I'm sorry Dee."
"No baby. Don't you blame yourself for my mistakes. You've been nothing but good to me and I have done everything I can to ruin it. I guess I must have felt that it would make things easier should you decide to leave me. I'm sorry. You're my heart and soul Ryo without you I can't go on. You're the reason I never went through with killing myself. I couldn't live even in death without you." Dee pressed his cheek against Ryo's, trying to comfort him and feeling as though he was failing at it. "I love you Ryo. I love you with everything I have."
"I love you too Dee. Come here baby. I think there is enough room for you to lay with me if you're careful." Ryo sniffled, running a hand over Dee's chest.
Dee lay down next to Ryo, kissing his cheek. "I've missed you so much. At night I wake up and look for you and then I realize that you're not there and sometimes I can't help but lie there and cry." Dee ran a hand up and down Ryo's arm, happy to have some sort of contact with him.
"I know. I miss having you close too Dee." Ryo took a deep, watery breath, turning his head against Dee's shoulder. "Koi I want things to get better between us. I want us to be good and understanding to each other all the time, not just when it works well for us. I want us to communicate. Lyn and Drew fight so rarely. I know they have been together longer but I want us to be like that baby."
"I do too. I know I'm pig headed and stubborn and so it makes it harder but the very thought of losing you scares me like nothing ever has before." Dee kissed down the side of Ryo's face stopping at the corner of his mouth. "Help me to learn how to be a better partner to you. Show me what you like, what you want... I'll use my imagination when I can but I need to know when I'm screwing up and when I'm making you happy."
"You're making me pretty happy right now Dee. I mean you're being close and tender but not trying to get in my pants. I-I really enjoyed making love but sometimes I feel like you are too focused on sex. I just want to be close sometimes."
"I'm sorry. I guess I just wanted you so badly. I wanted that joining of bodies so much..." Dee continued kissing Ryo right at the corner of his mouth, his hand rubbing from Ryo's shoulder down to his wrist and back again. "My baby you/You're the reason I can fly..." Dee started to sing softly.
Ryo simply smiled softly and closed his eyes, tears still slipping down his cheeks as he caressed Dee's face.
Kissing the tears away Dee sighed against Ryo's cheek. "I have never known love like the love I have with you and I hope I never do again. You're all I need baby to make me happy. If tomorrow never comes, I'll be thankful for the days I had with you."
"I love you too Dee. I have for so long. It seems asinine now, all the time I took to think about it. If it wasn't for you baby I would still be living without a clue. I love you." Ryo carefully wrapped his arms around Dee giving him a loose hug. "Sorry that I can't hug you better..." He sighed out of frustration.
"That's okay baby. We'll have a lifetime to share hugs and kisses and holding hands." Dee entwined his fingers with Ryo's and held on. "We'll take long walks and spend nights listening to slow music and cuddling on the couch. I'll even bring you roses if you'd like." Dee kissed both eyes and then held his lips just so that they barely brushed Ryo's.
Ryo returned the light chaste kiss. "I would like that very much Dee. As long as you don't mind me bringing you roses sometimes."
"Not at all. Can we slow dance sometime too? You can lead if you'd like." Dee was enjoying this. It felt so right as he planted small kisses to Ryo's lips.
"Yes I would like that a lot. You know? We haven't even really gone on a date either. I would really like that too."
"So would I. Where would you like to go? Dinner? A play? There's a club I know of that mainly caters to alternate lifestyles where we could go dancing and not feel as though we're being gawked at. It's a nice club too not one of these sleazy hangouts." Dee nuzzled into Ryo's neck, kissing as much flesh there as he could. "You name it baby. The skies the limit when it comes to you."
"Any of those would be great Dee. Just to have some time with you." Ryo smiled a little beginning to feel a little better but slightly worried about how long Dee's courtship would actually last.
"You and I will make it a ritual. Even if it means putting a day aside." Dee propped himself up on his elbow as his fingers traced over Ryo's jaw. "In fact I'm asking right now. As soon as you're able. Would you go out with me? To dinner and a show?"
"Yes, Dee, I would like that very much." Ryo smiled, running his fingers down Dee's chest. "I'm sure Lyn and Drew will watch Bikky for us. Have you talk to him?"
"Bikky? Yeah he threatened to beat me into next week if I ever did anything so stupid again." Dee felt tears stinging his eyes. "Ryo? He asked me to be a good dad to him. He wants me to be his dad." Dee felt the emotions overcoming him as the memory flooded back.
Ryo gasped fresh tears flooding his eyes as well. "Really Dee? Oh my God, that's so wonderful!"
"I have never felt so much emotion as I did then. You and Bikky are my family. My lover and my son and I hope that someday you'll be more then that to me. That is something we need to work towards though. A lot of healing has to happen first." Dee leaned down and kissed Ryo softly.
Ryo returned the kiss gently. "Me too baby. Me too. I love you Dee."
"I love you. Always and forever baby." Dee laid his fingers against Ryo's cheek and then leaned in to kiss him again. This time kissing him just a little deeper but not all out passionately yet. He wanted to build to that point, wanted to let the passion between them build like an ember smoldering before burning brightly.
Ryo sighed sweetly as Dee kissed him, running his fingers through Dee's hair letting the kiss linger a bit before releasing Dee. "And I love you too Dee Latener. Always and forever."
Irish: Well this chapter was my first run doing the bulk of the editing, so, if it's not as good as usual my deepest apologies. The lyrics to this song are by Christian artist, Michael W. Smith, and I do mean them to be talking about God (or rather Dee's relationship with him). So yeah the 'You' in this song is God. Other then that, no other notes or warnings. See you next chapter :)
Wildefyre: No need to worry Irish! I got ya covered! I managed to fix up as many spelling errors as I could find. There may be a few, here and there, that I missed but hey... No one is perfect! You will have to excuse us for the delay in getting this chapter out but, I had my hard drive crash on me a week ago and lost a lot of info. I'm just now slowly getting back up to par.
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