Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Yesterday's Feelings ❯ Full Circle ( Chapter 8 )

Author's note: Well, here it is: the final installment of Yesterday's Feelings. Firstly, I want to thank everyone that reviewed and stuck with me for over a year.

 

Thanks to Tohru-tan for being my grammar nazi and sticking with this crazy authoress. I couldn't have produced such a grammatically correct piece of work without you! And thanks to Spitefulmage who always listened to my crazy plot ideas and helped me go in the right direction.

 

After doing a final edit and posting of this story, I will be starting my next story, but I am still undecided about which idea to go with. Therefore, on my live journal, all of my new ideas will be posted the same time this chapter goes up. Everyone is welcome read them, critique them, and to pick their favorite. The one that gets the most interest will be the idea I will tackle next. Please help me be less indecisive because I love all of these little plot bunnies!

 

*IMPORTANT* This chapter deals with disturbing content. Abuse and forced sexual encounters are mentioned. They are not to be taken lightly and I urge anyone who feels uncomfortable with these topics to not read this chapter. There is also a slightly negative connotation being attached to psychiatrists. I do not actually feel that way about the profession (or the people in the profession, for that matter). The result of the attachment is not in any way meant to devalue the work psychiatrists do; I just let myself write and that is where it ended up.

 

If you are still with me, enjoy the last chapter, and as always, any reviews are appreciated and enjoyed!

 

Chapter 8 - Full Circle

 

Ryo stood outside Time Warner Center, wondering what he was about to get himself into. To live here, you had to be wealthy, something he and Dee would most likely never be on their meager paychecks.

 

It had taken Ryo days just to get to here, with hours being spent searching for this one man. Ryo gathered his courage and entered the building, hitting the front desk first. It wasn't hard for him to get past the desk attendant without signing in. He took one of the few liberties that had come with his job and flashed his badge and kept walking.

 

“Forty-third please,” Ryo said politely as he got into the elevator. When Ryo had finally gotten Michele's last name from Mother Lane, it wasn't extremely difficult to find the man. The hard part was getting the last name from Mother Lane. She thought it was a bad idea for Ryo to go confront him.

 

For Ryo, this was his last option. Dee wasn't getting any better over the last few days, and to put it kindly, his husband was a mess. Since he had remembered that Jess and Aaron had been killed, he had begun having nightmares every night. Sometimes they were about Jess and Aaron, but the frequency of ones with Dee yelling Michele's name had increased. Ryo had to find out what had happened before Dee remembered everything because Ryo was so afraid that Dee would have a complete breakdown if he didn't know how to deal with the situation properly. He had to be ready to make Dee talk and try and understand what his dark haired lover was going through.

 

It scared Ryo to see Dee having seemingly random flashbacks. His poor husband couldn't get peace whether he was awake or sleeping. Worst yet, he hadn't remembered anything new for days. It was like a roadblock for Dee, and if he couldn't get past this, there might be little hope of him remembering anything else.

 

“Forty-third, sir.” Ryo was startled when the elevator attendant spoke up. Ryo said a quick thank you and headed down the hall towards Michele's apartment. Ryo found the right apartment very easily and landed two solid knocks to the door. There was no backing out now.

 

Ryo heard a fair bit of noise before the door was opened. The man who opened the door looked almost exactly as the one in the picture but with a few more creases around the eyes. Ryo felt dwarfed in Michele's presence; Michele was an extraordinarily tall man. He was someone you would expect to be playing in the NBA, not managing a bank.

 

“Michele Perron?” Ryo asked in the firm voice he always used for interviews.

 

“Yes, how can I help you?” Michele replied hesitantly.

 

“My name is Randy McLean, and I was wondering if I could have a few minutes of your time.” Michele gave Ryo a perturbed look before answering. Michele probably thought he was a salesman, with that kind of an introduction.

 

“I don't know how you got past the front desk, but I really don't have time for any kind of this nonsense. I would suggest you leave before I call security,” Michele began to close the door the door just as Ryo spoke up again.

 

“It's about Dee.” Michele's demeanor changed instantly, and Ryo knew he had struck a nerve.

 

“Come in, please,” Michele said tightly, leading Ryo into the living room. “Please have a seat. Would you care for a drink?” Ryo declined the offer for a drink and took a seat on an expensive-looking chocolate leather couch. Ryo gave the apartment a brief look as Michele poured himself a drink and sat across from the sandy haired man.

 

“I'm not one for beating around the bush - Randy was it? I honestly don't know why you have come here. Whatever you want to know, I have no right telling you if Dee won't. Especially not to one of his casual flings.” Michele took a large swig from his glass before setting it down on the coffee table, giving Ryo a hard look.

 

“I think you and I need to straighten a few things out,” Ryo replied crossly. The nerve of Michele was astounding. Ryo had only been there 5 minutes, and he wanted to use of few of his more painful self-defense maneuvers on the taller man.

 

“Firstly, I am not just one of Dee's casual flings, I'm his husband.” Michele's expression didn't change with Ryo's statement; it stayed hard like a finely crafted marble sculpture.

 

“And secondly, Dee would tell me if he could, but unfortunately, he had an accident at work almost a month ago and can't remember a damn thing.”

 

“I see, and I assume you want me to tell you the whole tragic tale,” Michele said with sarcasm bleeding from his words.

 

“Yes, do you think I would waste my time with you otherwise?” Ryo bit back acidly. He couldn't stand this man, and no amount of pleasant negotiation was going to get him what he wanted, so what was the point of being pleasant at all?

 

“Now, now, no need to be rude. I honestly must say that I am not particularly fond of telling stories, so I must ask that you leave before I decide to call security.” Michele gave Ryo a stiff look.

 

“You do remember Dee's profession, don't you?” Ryo asked in the least hostile voice he could manage.

 

“Yes, detective I believe. But what does that matter?”

 

“Guess what? We share a profession, and I have no qualms about hauling you in for a harassing an officer. And trust me, I can keep you at the station for days without a lawyer, so I suggest just you start talking despite your preferences.”

 

“Well, Randy, it looks like I will have to forfeit this time, but this is in no way because I am frightened by your little threat. It is easier just to do as you ask and get you out of my apartment than deal with your pig-headed bullshit.”

 

“It's so nice when two civilized people can come to an agreement,” Ryo settled, letting the insult go. He was getting what he wanted, and that was all that mattered.

 

“You know, I haven't always been such a bastard,” Michele said softly, changing the tone of their conversation.

 

“Oh really? And let me guess, you were little Mr. Innocent before Dee came along.” Ryo wasn't buying Michele's shit. He was in a far from sympathetic mood and just wanted what he came for, not a sob story about Michele's troubles.

 

“That is not what I am saying at all,” Michele bit back. “I have had my own shit to deal with from this as well. We weren't right for each other, and we should have never been together.”

 

Ryo sighed quietly, already feeling his softer side beginning to cave. As he often told a hard-headed Dee, there are always two sides to every story, and right now, he was acting like a love struck jerk, not the objective man he had set out to be during this conversation.

 

If he was pissed, Ryo knew he wouldn't listen properly and would end up beating the shit out of this guy instead of getting what he needed to help Dee. Michele obviously had problems of his own and hadn't dealt with them well.

 

“I'm sorry. I came in here ready to prosecute you before even hearing what you had to say. It wasn't right of me, and I guess I was being a bit of an ass. Can we at least be civil to each other until I leave?” Ryo offered in a neutral tone.

 

“I think that would be acceptable.” For the first time, Michele gave Ryo the tiniest hint of a smile. Michele took a moment to get himself another drink before sitting down again and taking a deep breath.

 

“In the beginning, Dee and I got along so well was because we both had fiery personalities. There was no tenderness, only a raging passion that made for great sex, huge fights and even better make up sex. We butted heads on everything, and for a long time, it was thrilling to be matched with someone that could really push my buttons. Not many people will stand up to me like Dee did, and I loved every moment of it. Outside our apartments we acted like the happy loving couple everyone expected, and inside there were rough touches and intense moments.”

 

Michele took another sip of his drink, swallowing it with a bitter look on his face.

 

“I was raised in a well-to-do family, and all of the girlfriends I had been set up with were boring and seemed almost lifeless to me. They were all taught to be quite and respectful, nothing like Dee. The freedom I got from him was amazing. What he got from me I could never really tell, maybe the stability. I could always pay the bills. Dee had always fought for survival, and I don't think he ever expected anything different from a lover. He was always fighting, and that's what I loved about him. We thought what we had was love,” Michele said, laughing bitterly.

 

“More like a car crash; something so brutal you can't tear your eyes away from even though you know you shouldn't stare,” Michele admitted, sounding worn.

 

“How long?” Ryo prompted, shifting in his seat to fend of some of the coldness that was creeping into his limbs.

 

“Three years,” Michele continued. “I am surprised that we didn't burn out sooner. Forever wasn't a word to describe our relationship, but no one could tell us otherwise. Things were okay until Dee decided to pursue a detective position with a determination you don't see in many people. It was exasperating and difficult, but I couldn't help but admire his willpower and commitment. Towards the end, he was working more than 80 hours a week, and we were not getting along well. All we would do when he was home was fight, and one of us would always end up at the bar getting trashed just to get away from the other. As the days went on, I got jealous of the time he was spending at work; choosing that place over me made me furious. I lashed out the only way I knew how.”

 

Michele sighed. “One thing you should learn about Dee if you don't already know is he is totally committed to whomever he is with. Dee won't touch anyone if he believes you are in a somewhat dedicated relationship.”

 

“I know,” Ryo said softly. “He pursued me for 3 long years and never looked at another person.” Ryo felt very uncomfortable sharing that small detail of his relationship with Dee to Michele.

 

“I did one of the worst things possible to him. I cheated… It wasn't just a one-time fling, either. When he wasn't there or I felt like he was ignoring me, I would find someone willing. At the same time, when we were actually together, things were turning from rough to edging on aggressive. We were constantly bruising each other, but neither could admit it was over. It all finally burned out when Dee caught me with another man on our couch.” Michele looked pained and he grabbed for his glass, finding it empty again.

 

Ryo could tell this wasn't easy for the other man, and got up and refilled Michele's glass silently. It was starting to seem that Dee wasn't the only one caught in the backlash of this relationship.

 

“That was the breaking point for both of us. We yelled and screamed until the whole floor knew our business, I am sure. And as Dee raged at me, I couldn't help but get turned on.” Ryo's eyes widened at the confession, beginning to get an idea of where this was going.

 

“I grabbed him, but Dee doesn't put up with any bullshit. He threw a punch, and I threw one back. We were both on a one-sided mission. Dee wanted to hurt me for betraying him and I wanted something he didn't want to give. Dee and I beat each other black and blue; he broke my nose and arm, and I must have cracked - if not broken - a few of his ribs. I finally cornered him, and you can tell where things went from there…,” Michele confessed, sounding disgusted with himself.

 

“Oh God.” Ryo was overwhelmed. What he had been told was not far off from what he expected to hear, but it still made him cringe to think that Dee had gone through such a malicious relationship for so long.

 

“After Dee said he never wanted to see my face again, and if he did he would really test how trigger happy he was. I left for a week to cool off and haven't seen him since. What I did was inexcusable, and it has taken a lot of counseling to even begin to stop hating myself,” Michele ended quietly.

 

Michele looked haggard, like a defeated man.

 

“Have you ever tried to talk to Dee about what happened?” Ryo asked locking eyes with Michele.

 

“I have tried calling him a few times, but the most I get is curt `Fuck off.' It's not as though I was expecting any more than that. The most I can do is make sure he is fine financially.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I make deposits into his savings every month. He never spends it on himself, only on the orphanage, and it just keeps building.” Michele got up and pulled a balance book out of the kitchen drawer then tossed it to Ryo.

 

Ryo flipped through the tiny book surprised at how large the deposits were. He quickly did some math and realized his partner had quite a nest egg accumulating.

 

“Carol's scholarship,” Ryo whispered to himself when he finally put two and two together. This was one of the only possible places Dee could have gotten such a large sum of money for the girl.

 

“Pardon?”

 

“My son's girlfriend was recently accepted to NYU, but she couldn't afford the tuition. Dee just gave her a full scholarship from a private sponsor for her birthday. I can't think of anywhere else he would get the money for something like that.”

 

“At least the money is going to good use,” Michele said with sadness tinged in his voice.

 

“It that everything you needed?”

 

“I think so.” Ryo still felt as though there should be more to say, that he should have (at the very least) been angry with this man, but he felt nothing but pity.

 

“I have seen that look before on my therapist when I first told her,” Michele ghosted a hand through his thick hair. “Take some time. I need to get out of here and clear my head, anyways. Just lock the door when you leave.” Michele headed to the door and quickly put on his shoes and coat.

 

“Thank you,” Ryo replied, not moving from his seat.

 

“It's the least I can do.” Michele opened the door and suddenly spoke up again before leaving. “Can you do one thing for me?”

 

“I…” Ryo wasn't sure how to answer. Did Michele really deserve any favors from him?

 

“Let me guess - it depends?” Michele chuckled softly with his face slowly melting into a serious look. “Make him happy and love him like I couldn't,” Michele finished.

 

“That I can do,” Ryo said, giving Michele a firm nod.

 

“That's all I ask.” With a slight click from the door, Michele was gone, leaving Ryo alone with his thoughts.

 

With his heart heavy, Ryo wasn't sure if he wanted to go home, but he didn't feel right staying in Michele's apartment. It amazed Ryo to no ends that after everything that Dee had been through, he had still been able to open his heart to himself and Bikky. Ryo was beginning to get a clearer picture of Dee's youth and early adulthood, and it really scared him. The gaps were slowly being filled, but with each new piece, Ryo felt more and more that the man he had come to love was something extraordinary.

 

If Ryo had ever had to go through something similar growing up, he would have ended up as much as a bastard as Michele seemed to be. Ryo knew for certain he would not have been able to open his home or heart to someone else as Dee had. Ryo sent a silent prayer of thanks to his parents for giving him such an unburdened childhood as he got up from the couch and got ready to leave.

 

It was disturbing to Ryo that Dee had stayed in such a relationship for so long. The man Ryo knew wouldn't put up with anyone's shit and defiantly fought back when someone laid an unwelcome hand on him. Ryo couldn't count the number of times he had to cover Dee's ass for beating up another perp. Ryo couldn't fathom what had possessed Dee to stay with Michele for so long.

 

`I guess those questions are better left for Dee to answer,' Ryo thought, sighing softly as he clicked the lock, heading out. Ryo had already decided he wasn't going to go home yet, but he had no idea how to pass the rest of the afternoon.

 

`I might as well get some groceries,' Ryo mused. He had noticed they were running low on a lot of things yesterday, most likely due to him spending so much time at home with Dee.

 

Ryo spent the rest of the afternoon pushing his way through the thick New York traffic and more time wandering through the aisles at the store, trying to keep his mind off of Dee and his past.

 

By the time Ryo got home, he didn't feel like cooking anymore, but what was the point of all of that shopping if he just called for take out again?

 

Ryo found Dee on the couch still drinking coffee and watching the late afternoon talk shows. Ryo put down his bags near the kitchen entrance and went to sit on the couch with his lover for a few minutes.

 

“You really need to cut down on the coffee, love, or you will be up all night,” Ryo said unhappily. The bags under Dee's eyes had progressively gotten darker over the last few days, and all he wanted was for the darker man to get a good, undisturbed night's sleep.

 

“That being the general idea,” Dee replied grumpily, taking another long swig just to emphasize his point.

 

“You cannot stay up all night.”

 

“Wanna bet? In college I used stay up for days on end.” Ryo sighed and slide closer to the dark haired man.

 

“You're not as young as you used to be,” Ryo countered softly.

 

“God, don't remind me. To me, 28 is bordering on old age.”

 

“29,” Ryo corrected.

 

“Fuck off.” Dee rolled his eyes and got up to get more coffee.

 

“You know you don't have to be an ass! I am just worried about you,” Ryo traded back with a sharp edge to his voice following Dee into the kitchen.

 

“Well, it's no picnic on this side either.” Dee gritted his teeth together as he harshly pulled the pot off of the warmer and filled his cup.

 

“Goddamnit Dee! Give me the bloody cup.” With a dark scowl, Ryo grabbed the cup forcefully and dumped the dark liquid down the drain.

 

“Bastard,” Dee hissed, trying for the pot again.

 

“You wish.” Ryo snatched the pot, and the rest of the coffee met the same fate as Dee's cup.

 

“Are you trying to drive me fucking insane, because I am three-quarters there! No coffee, no cigarettes, and to top it off, I can't even get a full fucking night's sleep.” Dee shot Ryo a rigid look before waiting for an answer.

 

Ryo was tired, and he just didn't have the energy to fight with his husband anymore. “No Dee, I am not trying to drive you `insane',” Ryo said, the anger in his voice gone. “I am worried about you, and I care about you. Just look at how you are behaving. You need to get some sleep, if only for a few hours.” Ryo noticed Dee was finally willing to listen when his eyes softened and his posture became less stiff.

 

“It's too much… It's too much Ryo,” The taller man replied softly. “I can't deal with all of this. I am at the end of my rope - literally.” Dee rested his hand on the edge of the sink, sagging into worn position. “I'm scared,” Dee admitted brokenly.

 

Ryo knew it was finally time to approach his lover with all of his anger burned off. “It is okay to be scared,” Ryo whispered, gently turning Dee so he could hug him.

 

“I don't want to remember this, it isn't good.” Dee melted into Ryo's arms, transferring the weight he had rested on the sink to his partner.

 

“I know. But you can't keep hiding from it. Whatever it is, it is a part of you, and you need to accept that.” Ryo hated pretending he didn't know what was going on. But if Dee wanted to get past his memories about Michele, he had to face them. And to deal with them, he needed to remember it on his own.

 

“Come on, let's go sit down,” Ryo suggested, tenderly pulling out of their embrace and leading Dee to the couch.

 

Dee allowed himself to be dragged back to the couch where he had been fighting off sleep all day. In between the endless cups of coffee, when the caffeine begun to wear thin, Dee had nodded off, only getting a few minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Sleeping alone was worse than when Ryo was there; at least the older man could wake him up and ward off the dreams.

 

Dee could tell that Ryo was tired, too, from the way he sagged into the couch instead of maintaining his usually flawless posture. The two lounged on the couch - shoulders pressed close - for a few minutes before Ryo grasped Dee's hand, giving it a firm squeeze.

 

“Do you think you could try and sleep just for a little while?” Ryo asked softly, breaking the heavy silence.

 

“Not right now,” Dee answered softly.

 

“Dee, I know this is the last thing you would ever want me to suggest, but do you think talking to a therapist might help? Dr. Linden gave me a few referrals before you left the hospital, just in case.” Ryo knew it was a long shot asking Dee to go and talk to a professional, but at least his husband now knew there was someone else to talk to if he desired it.

 

“No,” was the tight reply, not that Ryo had expected anything different. Dee had never appreciated strangers asking questions that were too personal. He couldn't imagine the darker haired man ever being able to open up with a complete stranger to help him deal with his problems. For Dee, it was about trust, and for strangers, he had none.

 

“If you change your mind, just tell me and we can arrange something.”

 

“I'll keep it in mind.” Ryo left the therapist suggestion at that. That was Dee's polite way of saying there wasn't a chance in hell he would be talking to a therapist. Dee wouldn't be pushed into something he didn't want to do, and Ryo understood that shoving too hard would only take away another person Dee trusted enough to talk to.

 

“Do you want me to make you something while I put away the groceries?” Ryo asked quickly, changing the topic to more neutral ground.

 

“Coffee?” was the hopeful answer.

 

“Did we not just a fight over the coffee? Let me rephrase that. Would you like something that does not contain any form of stimulant, including, but not exclusive to, caffeine?”

 

“When you put it that way, no thanks.” Dee rearranged his pillows on the couch and snagged the remote off of the floor as Ryo got up.

 

“You know, you could get off the couch and help.” Ryo suggested, throwing a look of exasperation at the other man.

 

Dee just rolled his eyes in return. “Oh, Dee.” Dee settled further into the couch, looking worn out and on the verge of falling asleep. Maybe it was better to leave Dee here, and with any luck, by the time Ryo came back, his partner would be catching up on the sleep he so desperately needed.

 

Just as Ryo had guessed, Dee was dead to the world when he came back from the kitchen. Ryo was glad he had made himself a mug of tea, because the only way to make sure Dee slept decently was to stay with him.

 

Ryo turned off the TV and sat down on the edge of the couch. Ryo placed a warm hand along Dee's brow, running it along his partner's cheek when he didn't stir. When Ryo was sure that Dee was in a deep sleep, he gently lifted Dee's head and swapped the pillow for his lap. Dee shifted slightly at the change in the firmness but quickly found a new position on his side with his cheek resting on Ryo's thigh.

 

Ryo took the opportunity to run his fingers through Dee's thick locks, enjoying the feeling of clean, smooth hair. It was rare for Ryo to get such a chance, because during the week, Dee usually put way too much gel or mousse in his hair to control the messy strands. Ryo could still run his hands through Dee's hair when it was styled, but the feel just wasn't the same. It always left a slightly waxy residue on his hands, which Ryo loathed. When Ryo finally got his fill of Dee's hair, he snagged a novel and his reading glasses off of the side table to pass the time.

 

Ryo hadn't gotten far in his book when Dee began to shift weakly. It wasn't enough to warrant waking the younger man up, but Ryo tried to sooth his restless sleep.

 

“Shhh, baby, relax,” Ryo said softly, stroking his partner's cheek in a slow and steady motion. Dee settled down a little with the reassuring touch. Ryo thought he was in the clear until Dee began vocalizing his dream.

 

“No… no don't, DON'T!” was the desperate plea that poured from Dee's lips. Dee flinched violently as if he had been hit. “Don't touch me!” Ryo knew now was probably the time to move away from his lover. He would wake Dee up, but let the other man initiate the first contact. Ryo had learned very early in his career that invading someone's personal space when they didn't want to be touched was a one-way ticket to a black eye.

 

“Dee, wake up, you're safe,” Ryo said firmly, moving away and tucking the pillow back under Dee's head. Ryo crouched beside the sofa and tried calling to his partner a few more times before setting a light hand on Dee's shoulder.

 

Ryo realized it wasn't the smartest move as Dee shot up and grasped his arm in a tight grip that was going to bruise.

 

“I said don't fucking touch me,” Dee snarled still dazed and half dreaming.

 

“Dee, wake up.” The grip on Ryo's wrist only became tighter. “Dee, it's Ryo, let go of my wrist, you are hurting me!” The hold remained steady and Ryo was running out of options. Dee was strong, and if he kept tightening his grip, Ryo had no doubt Dee could crack a few bones in his wrist.

 

The only thing Ryo could think of that might jolt his husband out of his nightmares was the shock factor. Ryo didn't want to touch Dee any more, but he wasn't sure what could help him get through to Dee until he spied his left over tea sitting on the side table; anything was better than having a broken wrist. Ryo quickly snatched the mug and splashed the cool tea in Dee's face.

 

It was crude, but it worked as Dee shuddered slightly and snapped out of the nightmares he was trapped in, instantly letting go of Ryo's wrist.

 

“Ryo?” Dee asked uncertainly. Ryo quickly grabbed the blanket off the couch and wiped off the sticky tea from Dee's face the best he could.

 

“Right here.” Ryo offered his left hand to Dee, trying to hide the other bruised arm along his side. Getting Dee worked up further over something that wasn't his fault was only going to make things more difficult than they already were becoming.

 

Dee took the offered hand weakly, looking more burned out than before he fell asleep.

 

“I let him hurt me,” Dee started brokenly.

 

“Who?” Ryo prompted.

 

“Michele! You know who I am talking about…” Dee replied with a snort.

 

“You're right,” was the only answer Ryo could offer. “Why did you let him hit you?” Ryo wasn't sure exactly what Dee had remembered; forcing it just didn't seem right.

 

“It was more than just that,” Dee said with a disgusted look on his face. Ryo was not sure if Dee was angry with Michele for what he did or with what his lover had done to Michele.

 

“I know,” Ryo responded softly, knowing he couldn't pretend any longer.

 

“How?!” Dee gave Ryo a sharp look, knowing Penguin only knew what he had told her himself.

 

“I went to see him…”

 

“When?” Dee snarled.

 

“This morning.”

 

“It was none of your business!”

 

“It becomes my business when you wake up terrified, screaming for me not to touch you! It becomes my business when you can't sleep because you are afraid of your own dreams! It becomes my business when you start hurting yourself and me.” Ryo released Dee's hand and turned his palm over, showing Dee the bloody crescents he had left on his own palm.

 

“What do you mean hurting you?” Dee asked softly, fingering the deep welts on his palm. Ryo held out his right wrist showing Dee the dark bruises that were beginning to form.

 

“Don't you dare think this was your fault for a second,” Ryo said firmly, catching the look in Dee's eyes. “You didn't do this on purpose, but it has got to stop. I went to see Michele so I could help you through this, so you won't be afraid to go to sleep anymore. I just want you to be happy again; is that asking too much?”

 

“I am sorry Ryo… I can't believe I did this to you. I love you,” Dee said desperately, gently stroking the bruised skin.

 

“I know.” Ryo changed his tone and moved back onto the couch, taking his husband into his arms.

 

“You were never supposed to know,” Dee replied softly, still fighting to keep a strong front.

 

“Why?”

 

“I let him do that to me. I never said no, I just let him do what he wanted, and I don't even know why! I hurt him, too; I hurt someone that I was supposed to love, to take care of.” A few stray tears finally leaked down Dee's face.

 

“You had no other choice,” Ryo replied sympathetically.

 

“Damn it, Ryo, everyone has a choice. I let him take that away from me. I fucking chose to hit him back just as hard. I can't believe you can still even look at me.”

 

Ryo turned Dee's head so their eyes met. “I know you, Dee, and you would never do that to me. You had no other options. What the hell were you supposed to do, take it like a man?” Dee tried to turn his head away, giving Ryo the answer he never wanted to hear.

 

“You were fighting to protect yourself!” Ryo said loudly, trying to keep himself under control.

 

“Only on the last night; before that, it was different.”

 

“Stop trying to protect him! Neither of you were in the right, but that doesn't mean you have to cover his ass at your expense. It's tearing you apart; isn't that more than enough punishment that you don't deserve?”

 

“I…” Dee bit his lip, trying to keep everything in check. Ryo could tell that Dee was waging a war within himself, and his husband needed time to process what he had remembered. What Dee needed was to relax, to give himself time. When Dee was ready, he would think about it and subtlety let Ryo know he was ready to talk again.

 

“Just think about what I said, okay?”

 

“Alright,” Dee offered, gently pulling his head out of Ryo's grasp and laying down against the sandy-haired man's chest. Ryo grazed his hand down Dee's cheek, noticing that it was still rather sticky.

 

“You're all sticky.”

 

“You put too much sugar in your tea,” Dee sighed into Ryo's chest, beginning to relax.

 

Ryo smiled when he thought about how Dee drank his coffee; all sugar and milk. When Ryo really thought about it, he realized, in retrospect, that he and Dee were the exact opposites when it came to their preference for coffee and tea. Ryo loved his coffee black whereas Dee loved milk and sugar. Dee appreciated his tea plain and Ryo loved to add just a little milk and enough sugar to send him into a hyperglycemic coma. They complimented each other perfectly.

 

“You need a shower.”

 

“Too lazy.”

 

“Dee, you feel gross! If not for me, for your personal hygiene,” Ryo sighed in annoyance. He wasn't sure if Dee was just trying to be difficult or amusing.

 

“Fun killer,” was the reply Ryo got.

 

“You know, you can have fun while in the shower,” Ryo said while trying to push the other man up.

 

“Oh really? I guess you'll just have to show me.” Dee got that mischievous look in his eyes that gave Ryo shivers. Ryo knew only wicked thoughts were running through his husband's head right now.

 

“Pervert.”

 

“It's only perverted to someone who doesn't want it. And I know you want it,” Dee whispered into Ryo ear, making him shudder. Dee pressed a chaste kiss to Ryo's lips before sauntering off to the bathroom, leaving Ryo all alone on the couch.

 

Now that was and invitation he couldn't pass up on.

 

 

qpqpqpqp

 

 

A few hours later, the two men were still lying in bed wrapped in each other's arms. The leisurely paced shower had been long and relaxing. Dee took the time to become reacquainted with Ryo's body, much to his delight.

 

After a soothing rubdown, they moved to the bedroom, with Dee taking the lead this time. Ryo could tell Dee was being deliberately slow and gentle, as if he was trying to prove to his partner that he wouldn't hurt the smaller man. Ryo knew Dee thought he was proving himself to the sandy-haired man, but deep down it was more for Dee to prove to himself that he wasn't capable of hurting another person he loved.

 

He knew Dee still had a lot of things to work through, but there were no more lurking shadows. Maybe Dee could finally begin to remember the good things in his life and get back that perpetual grin his lover always sported. For the first time in four weeks, Ryo felt truly content, with his husband finally on the mend.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Dee finally asked after not being able to take Ryo's glazed look anymore.

 

“You,” Ryo replied as he shifted so he could look at Dee's face.

 

“Good, bad, or naughty?” Dee inquired tracing a finger along the grooves on Ryo's abdomen. Ryo knew now wasn't the time to bring up what Dee had remembered earlier from the tone of his husband's voice. Now was an occasion to be playful and to have a good time with each other.

 

“About how you have been acting more like yourself lately, you horn dog!”

 

“Exactly. I am a horny man by nature. How I could have gone without any action for so long amazes me to this very second.” Dee titled Ryo's head up and dove down for a steamy kiss.

 

“Can I ever be serious around you?” Ryo said after Dee finally let him up for air.

 

“Yeah, but right now I am too horny to be serious. I would suggest trying again when I am tired out.” Dee nibbled Ryo's lip before beginning to nip at Ryo's neck delicately.

 

“I thought you were all tired out,” Ryo reminded Dee, exposing more of his neck to Dee's mouth.

 

“When you have been this deprived and there is such a fine man next to you, you don't stay sleepy for long.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Really,” Dee said with a classic smirk and a fire behind his eyes Ryo hadn't seen for a long time.

 

“Do you think it might help your recovery?” Ryo gasped as Dee took a sharp nip at his collarbone.

 

“Definitely,” was the firm reply Ryo got just before Dee captured his mouth.

 

qpqpqpqp

 

“Dee,” Ryo said softly later that evening.

 

“Is it time to be serious?” Dee asked, turning his body so he could see Ryo's face.

 

“Only if you want.” Ryo dropped a kiss to the dark haired man's temple.

 

“I don't want to, but it's best.” Dee sighed and placed his hand in Ryo's.

 

“Have you thought about what I said?”

 

“Yeah.” Ryo knew Dee wasn't going to jump right into it, but he had hoped for more than a one-syllable reply. Ryo desperately want Dee to say more, but as he had learned time and time again, Dee did things on his own schedule. Ryo respected that and did not disturb the silence.

 

“You know how you suggested counseling before?” Dee finally said after a long wait. Ryo just nodded and squeezed Dee's exposed shoulder in reply.

 

“I've been before to a psychiatrist, right after Michele and I broke up.” Ryo was surprised; he never would have guessed that Dee had chosen to go to a professional. “I didn't remember before, but I sure as hell do now. Penguin called me twice a day until I finally agreed to go. The woman I saw ended up being a bitch. I don't think she knew how to deal with a gay man that had been in an abusive relationship. She didn't listen; she just acted as if Michele was the only one to blame. She couldn't deal with the fact that I was just as much in the wrong as Michele was. I know I didn't deserve that shit, but I just wanted her to say Michele didn't either and that it was okay to feel shitty about it. She kept pushing Michele as the `man' and me as the `woman' crap and I felt like Michele didn't deserve all of that blame, so I had to take it. I wish I had never gone to see her.”

 

“There are good psychiatrists and counselors out there,” Ryo said carefully. “After my parents died, I don't think I could have gotten through it without one. Things have changed, and professionals have learned how to help all types of people.”

 

“I know, and I am not saying that they are all bad, but I just can't trust them anymore. You're the first person to say that it wasn't all Michele's fault. I know Penguin would have said it, too, but I couldn't have burdened her with that. For once I feel like I don't have to shoulder all of it because no one wanted to admit I had a part in it, too.”

 

What Dee said sounded so odd to Ryo, but it made sense. Deep down Dee was still protective of his ex and couldn't stand that all of the blame had been pushed to one side, and Dee being Dee, nothing could be done half way. The only solution to the dark haired man was to take all of the responsibility, but unbeknownst to him, Michele was doing the same. For both men, it was a lose-lose situation.

 

“Where do we go from here?” Ryo asked tightening his grip around Dee's chest.

 

Dee let out a troubled breath before answering. “I don't really know. I think… I think I have to go see him,” Dee finished, visibly shaken. “Not now, and maybe not for a long time, but eventually.”

 

“Can I ask you one more thing?” Ryo said hesitantly after a few moments of peace.

 

“Might as well do this all at once, shoot.” Dee was tired, but Ryo had a right to have all of his questions answered after dealing with Dee's shit for the last week.

 

“Why did you stay with him for so long?”

 

“Honestly, I probably couldn't give you just one answer. We always pretended like things would get better. If we gave it time, things would go back to how they were before I started working all the time. The problem was that they never did, and neither of us could accept that. I don't think Michele or I really understood how bad it was before we both nearly destroyed each other,” Dee explained tiredly, holding on Ryo for the strength and support he desperately needed.

 

“Sometimes a person can be just as addictive as a drug, and Michele and I were hooked to the end.” Dee offered Ryo a sad smile, knowing Ryo could probably never understand his reasons - not that he understood them any better himself. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, and he and Michele had paid the price for it.

 

“If you ever need to talk,” Ryo left open, getting the feeling Dee had said his fill for the moment.

 

“I know where to find you,” Dee finished, relaxing into Ryo's arms. Maybe when things settled down, he and Ryo could talk again, but for now, all Dee wanted to do was concentrate on the present and leave the past where it belonged.

 

qpqpqpqp

 

“Dee, phone!” Ryo yelled across the apartment two weeks later. Ryo could almost hear the internal battle going on within his husband from the living room. He was probably weighing the options of whether or not it was worth his while to leave one of the quarterfinals of the FIFA World Cup games and answer the phone, or to choose not move and catch the end. It was apparent that Dee had picked the latter, leaving Ryo to add his own opinions to the mix.

 

“Dee, it's mother!” he called again, this time hearing Dee groan and finally get up.

 

“You know, she couldn't have waited 10 minutes before calling,” the other man murmured softly before taking the phone.

 

“Somehow, I doubt Mother Lane knows the FIFA schedule. Now, be a good son and talk to her. You can always download the end of the game later,” Ryo added as he went back to the stove.

 

“Hello,” Dee said, masking his disappointment.

 

“You know, I could hear you in the background,” the older woman on the other end said dryly.

 

“You know Brazil was just about to destroy Ghana.”

 

“And what was the score?”

 

“3-0,” Dee replied feeling a little silly. Of course Brazil was going to win, but he loved the last few seconds of a game when the losing team played their hearts out just to get one goal.

 

“Surprise, Brazil won! Now, let a mother check up on her son without any more soccer talk.”

 

“Yes Penguin,” Dee said with a touch of exasperation in his voice.

 

“What have I told you about calling me that?!” Mother Lane's good hearted nagging quickly changed to surprise when she had realized this was the first time Dee had used this nickname since the accident.

 

“This is wonderful! When did you remember?” She continued happily.

 

“I don't know, it just popped out.” Dee caught Ryo's gaze from across the kitchen and shrugged.

 

“Well, never call me that again, you brat! It's Mother to you.” Dee just groaned in response. He loved this woman dearly, but sometimes, she could drive him crazy.

 

“Now, tell me how you doing.”

 

“A lot better, really,” Dee replied honestly. Over the last few days he had definitely noticed a change in his memory. Memories were coming more easily to him, and a lot of them were like remembering something you hadn't thought about in a long time, not something you had forgotten. Dee didn't feel like he was grasping at nothing anymore. All he had to do was reach out and it was there.

 

“Do you think you can go back to work soon?”

 

“Yeah, maybe another week or so. I can remember most of good old academy days. Not a lot of college, for some reason,” Dee replied grinning as he heard Ryo snicker.

 

“I can only imagine why not,” Mother returned sarcastically.

 

“Anyway, all I have to do is pass the evaluation, and I can start back whenever. I might go down to the range later this week and brush up if Ryo decides to give my gun back,” Dee said loudly, emphasizing the last few words and staring at Ryo.

 

“I told you, when you can remember the combination to the safe, she's all yours,” Ryo replied just as loudly, interrupting the phone conversation.

 

“Well, I guess you have a few more days off, then. You should come have coffee,” Mother Lane suggested.

 

“That would be nice. Having time off is great up to a point, but I am starting to go mad in this little apartment.” Dee had definitely been feeling cooped up for the last few days, and he longed to get back to work, even if that meant paperwork. Anything was better than old reruns and soap operas.

 

“Tomorrow, then?” Dee heard a few bangs on the other end of the line and wondered what the kids had gotten into.

 

“Sure, I'll come by in the afternoon.”

 

“Bring some… James, don't let Lady out of her kennel!” Mother Lane screeched half way through her sentence.

 

“I told you, you should have gotten them a rabbit instead of a dog,” Dee laughed, hearing more bangs from the kids and barks from the dog.

 

“Too late now. I love you Dee.”

 

“Love you too, Penguin. See you tomorrow.” Just as Dee placed the phone back in the cradle he could just hear the horn from the living room signaling the end of the game.

 

“It figures,” the darker haired man sighed, heading over to Ryo and leaning against the counter.

 

“You want to help me unload the dishwasher?” Ryo asked turning down the heat on the stovetop and placing a lid on the saucepan so it could simmer.

 

“Do I have a choice?”

 

“Glasses or cutlery?”

 

Dee sighed and passed the cutlery basket over to Ryo; he would pick the glasses any day. Dee started to put away the mugs, noticing some of the colorful expression that many of the mugs sported.

 

“Do you remember whatever happened to my Santa mug?” Dee asked thoughtfully putting away his leftie cup.

 

“You mean that awful one that I wouldn't let you use at work?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Bikky broke it years ago, before we were even dating. I think he threw it at your head and missed.”

 

“Oh, when you were still being uptight?” Dee knew he was probably going to be smacked for that one, but sometimes it was just too much fun to poke at Ryo.

 

“For the last time, I was not/am not uptight!” Ryo said pretending to sounded offended. Instead of a catty reply back, Ryo was answered with a crash as Dee dropped the mug he was holding.

 

A strange look crossed Dee's and Ryo's worry began all over again. Ryo rushed over to Dee and placed a hand on his partner's arm.

 

“Dee? Are you alright?” The strange look that had adorned Dee's face quickly melted into a small warm smile.

 

“Ryo,” Dee whispered softly placing his palm against Ryo's cheek.

 

“Randy `I guess you can call me Ryo' McLean,” Dee said louder this time.

 

“What?”

 

“I remember who you are! I recognize you. You are my husband, my best friend, the person I love most in the world!” Dee's small smile grew into a huge grin. “And I can't believe I forgot who you were for even a second,” Dee finished, crushing Ryo in a tight embrace.

 

“You remember who I am?” Ryo asked hesitantly, gripping onto Dee just as tightly.

 

“YES!” Dee nearly shouted and then tipped Ryo's head up and gave him an earth-shattering kiss. When Dee thought his lungs were going give out, he finally released Ryo's mouth giving them both a chance to breathe.

 

“What brought this on?” Ryo asked once he had caught his breath.

 

“You saying you weren't uptight. I made me think about some other time you had said that and then I just knew who you were. Who would have thought you being uptight would help me remember you!” Dee laughed, resting his forehead against Ryo's.

 

“I missed you,” Ryo said, his tone turning sober. “I thought you were never going to remember me.” Ryo closed his eyes tightly, pushing back the tears that had been lingering for weeks.

 

“I could never forget your forever,” Dee said tenderly into Ryo's ear. “I love you too much.” Dee ran his fingers through Ryo's hair in a reassuring gesture.

 

“I love you too.” Ryo felt a few stray tear glide down his cheek before he felt Dee brush off the last few tears from around his eyes. “Promise to never leave me again?”

 

“I'm a final sale.”

 

“Cheeky to the bitter end,” Ryo said laughing and sniffling at the same time.

 

“Shall we celebrate?” Dee asked dropping a few kisses down Ryo's face.

 

“To you remembering me and destroying another perverted mug, definitely!”

 

“Hey, I liked that mug!” Dee swatted at Ryo's arm playfully. “Come get your coat, we are going for supper.”

 

“But I already started…” Dee cut Ryo off with a deep kiss, taking the chance to explore his partner's mouth.

 

“Put it in the fridge.” Ryo loved and hated when Dee kissed him like that. It made him weak in the knees and willing to do almost anything Dee wanted. A combination of those kisses and a lot of begging was how Dee got that huge TV in the living room.

 

“Fine,” Ryo sighed letting Dee have his way again. Ryo quickly turned off the stove and stashed the sauce in the fridge while Dee grabbed their spring jackets from the closet.

 

“Where to, Sexy?” Dee asked, taking Ryo in his arms again when they had met at the front entrance.

 

“Anywhere you want,” Ryo said giving Dee a huge grin.

 

“Ryo,” Dee asked for the second time in less than an hour.

 

“Yeah?” Dee wrapped his arms tighter around Ryo's shoulder and stroked his arms.

 

“Thanks for waiting.”

 

“For what?” Ryo returned in a gentle tone.

 

“For me. I know it must not have been easy for you. I'm sorry I took so long…” Dee trailed off, hoping Ryo had understood what he had been trying to say.

 

“Baka.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I would have waited for you forever.” Dee's eyes misted over as he leaned his head against Ryo's.

 

“Forever?” Dee whispered in Ryo's ear holding onto his partner more firmly.

 

“Forever.”

 

 

~Owari~