Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Movie Rip-offs, Act I: Bite Me (The Princess Bride, Yu Yu Style) ❯ Wrapping It Up ( Chapter 16 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

“BENJAMIN GUAVERA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SHIP?!?”

Benji groaned and fell forward against Miguel, who was lying propped up against the pillows in their cabin. “Yep…he's back…now I remember why I didn't miss him.”

Miguel snorted and smacked Benji over the head. “That's our captain you're talking about.”

“Is it, now?” Benji poked his lover in the side. “Is it?” Poke. “Hmm?” Poke, poke, poke.

“Ahahaha…Benji, stop...it tickles…”

“Oh, does it?” Benji teased, moving from poking to full-on, unfiltered tickle torture.

“Hahahahahaha…Benji…stop…I'm gonna…hahaha…hurt you…”

XXX

“It's just a small dent.”

“No, it's a large dent, and it's right on the railing where everyone can see it. I leave him on the ship for a month and look what happens. HE DENTED MY SHIP!”

Kurama chuckled and opened his mouth to reply.

“AH MUNNA EAT CHOO!” (Translation from Miguel Speak: “I'm gonna get you!”

Hiei blinked and turned in the direction of the yell, as did Kurama. Both leapt out of the way as Benji came barreling past them with Miguel in his wake.

“O…kay?”

XXX

Later that night, they had put Florin and Karasu far behind them.

Kurama and Hiei were in the crow's nest, their favorite spot. The redhead stood behind his lover, his arms wrapped tightly around Hiei's shoulders and chest. Hiei was standing in the embrace, simply content to have his lover hold him again.

“Have I told you yet how glad I am to hold you like this again?”

Hiei smiled slightly. “No, you haven't.”

“…Did that count or do you want me to say it again?”

Hiei laughed. “I think that counted.”

Then, suddenly, the captain found himself being spun sharply around and pulled into a long, lingering kiss.

A moment past, and then another, and just when it seemed that nothing could go wrong…

“HEY! YOU! STOP WITH THE SMOOCHIES AND GET DOWN HERE!” shouted a very frantic Benji.

“…Smoochies…?” Hiei asked dumbly.

“It's Benji…” Kurama explained.

“Yes…quite…”

Kurama sighed and peeked his head over the edge of the nest. “Not now, Benji…it's been—”

“Yeah, I know how long it's been. But that doesn't even compare to the separation me and Miguel went through!”

“Really? Why?”

“Because it lasted longer! Ha ha!”

“So now it's a contest?”

“No!” Mutter. “Just get your prissy princess butt down here!”

Hiei growled. “Benji…”

“Yeah! You've had your week alone, okay? Now you're on my time!”

“Your time?! You work for me!”

“You don't pay me enough for me to be on your time! Now either get down here or fork over some cash!”

Kurama turned to Hiei and chuckled. Hiei looked dumbstruck.

“The man hath spoken.” Kurama sighed.

“Yeah…and the man hast large mouth. Being temporary captain hath made him stupid.”

“Let's go. After you.”

XXX

“So,” Benji said, pacing back and forth in front of the door to the kitchen, while Kurama sat on a barrel in the corner with Hiei curled up in his lap, and Mikail rocked back and forth on the deck, with his fists raised over his mouth. “Let's review what we know. Fact: Miguel went into the kitchen.”

“Fact,” Kurama said. “Mikail came out of the kitchen.”

“Fact,” Benji picked up.

“…I'm really hungry,” Erik said, popping his head in.

“Die,” Benji replied.

“I'll see if I can't arrange that sometime,” Erik replied as he left.

“Fact,” Benji went on. “Since Mikail came out he hasn't spoken, moved, or done anything to indicate that he's alive.”

“Fact,” Kurama added. “Miguel probably did something cute.”

“That's not a fact, but it's a safe assumption,” Benji said rather proudly.

“Assumption,” Kurama corrected himself. “Miguel did something cute.”

“Fact,” Miguel said, poking his head out of the kitchen. “You is disturbing Miguel's cooking,” he said in the funny broken English he was working so hard to perfect. Then he disappeared into the kitchen and the noise resumed.

“Scratch that from the record.”

“Fact: there is no record,” Kurama said patiently.

“Fact,” Miguel said, reappearing. “Benji need stop talking about Miguel like he not here.”

“Fact,” Benji said. “Miguel is not here.”

“GYAH!” Miguel screeched, then slammed the door. There was a thud and then a shout of “OWWW!”

“You okay, hon?” Benji asked through the door.

“I stubbed my toe!” A moment of silence. “Wow, it's turning purple, but a really glowy purple! Hey, maybe our doors are radioactive! Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and suddenly be able to shower really fast!” he said in Spanish.

“What mean shower?” Benji asked, puzzled.

“…EWWWWW!”

“Fact: Benji ignores personal hygiene,” Kurama stated.

Benji opened his mouth to complain, but decided against it. “Fact: we have no more facts.”

“We could ask Mikail what happened…”

“Right!” Benji nodded and sat down next to Mikail.

“Or...you could have asked me!” Miguel yelled from the kitchen in Spanish.

Benji ignored him. “So, Mikail. How's life?”

Mikail let out a half-squeal with his fists still covering his mouth.

“So, in your own words, tell us what happened, Mikail.”

Mikail looked at him for a moment, and then began to babble.

“Well, I making bread and Miguel come in. And…a-a-and he take flour—”

“He took the flour?”

“Yes, he take flour. And I say, I say, `Is my flour, Miguel. Is mine. Give back now.' And Miguel, he say `No.' So I try take flour. Miguel, he…he grab end of bag. End that I not holding. And he pull. And, and then…flour explode. It explode everywhere. And Miguel get covered. He sneeze, and I…I forget. I forget everything. Everything I ever know. And, and I want Miguel to sneeze again, but he does not, so I leave. Then banging start.”

“Oh, Miguel sneezed!” Benji shrieked.

“Oh, my God, was it cute?” Kurama asked, and Hiei roused himself for a moment to smack him lightly on the shoulder.

Mikail nodded. “Oh, yes. Cute. Very cute. I forget breathe.”

“Lucky!” Benji whined.

“He's lucky! You're sleeping with the guy!” Kurama sighed, and Hiei growled. Kurama smiled and kissed him, and Hiei relaxed.

“Don't go making passes at my Miguel.”

Miguel screeched again. “Miguel right here! And he not that cute!”

All present in the galley gasped.

“Fact: Miguel is cute.” Benji smiled dreamily.

“And that is an actual fact,” Hiei stated, breaking his cone of silence in the most shocking of ways.

XXX

An hour later, the entire crew minus Kirk was gathered around the table in the galley. Hiei took his place, at the head of the table, sitting in Kurama's lap. Benji sat to their left with Erik next to him. The rest of the crew—consisting of Mikail, Sebastian, Mr. Straloch, and Mr. Greeley—were sitting in scattered placed at the table.

“Hey, where's Kirk?” Benji asked curiously.

“People don't usually tell Kirk about parties,” Erik replied, and Benji nodded.

“Miguel make food! You is to eat!” Miguel announced.

“Really, you made dinner?” Kurama asked, smiling.

“You can cook?” Benji asked stupidly.

“Shut down, Benji!”

“You mean shut up?” Benji offered.

“Benji know what Miguel mean!” the redhead whined and disappeared into the kitchen.

Benji smiled and chased after him. “You're so cute! Come back, come back, I loooove you! Drat!” Then he too disappeared into the kitchen, and his voice echoed out. “CAKE!”

“Cake?!” the crew repeated.

“Big cake!”

And then the crew saw the cake quite clearly, as Miguel carried it out, teetering dangerously and practically invisible behind the massive sugary confection.

“Miguel!” Erik said. “That cake can not be for eating.”

Miguel poked his head around the cake, looking crestfallen. “But…but why not?”

“It's big enough for you and me to live in, and still have enough room to do a little souvenir shopping!”

“Huh…?”

“Make a change, Miguel.”

Miguel stared sadly down at the cake, pushing his lower lip out in a pout. “Benjiiiii!” he whined. He had begun to walk toward the table as he said it, which, as it turned out, was a decidedly bad idea. The next thing the redhead knew, his feet had found a slippery patch of floor and were then scrambling for balance as he toppled backwards. Benji leapt forward, his arms outstretched, and Miguel smiled in relief—and then hit the floor. Blinking slowly, Miguel raised his gaze up to stare at Benji, who was cradling the giant cake in his arms as he stared down at his lover. “Beeenjiiii!” Miguel cried again, then asked in Spanish, “You saved the cake rather than me?”

Benji blinked in reply, then dropped the cake onto Miguel as he held out his hand to help the redhead up. “Better?” he asked innocently.

Miguel sighed loudly, in an irritated sort of way, and he had the strangest expression on his face, which was covered in cake, as were his hair and his clothes. He pushed himself up off the floor, digging his hand into the cake as he did. The entire room seemed to be holding its breath as Miguel spoke again in Spanish. “You know what I have to do now, right?”

Benji shrugged. “If you must, you must,” he replied, also in Spanish. Then his face was covered in icing, and he stopped saying anything at all.

Again, Miguel lost his footing, this time sliding in the cake frosting and finally falling onto the floor.

The galley fell completely silent—even the waves outside seemed to stop—and it remained so for a full minute. Then there was a very odd sound, and everyone turned as one in the direction of it. The source turned out to be Erik, who had his mouth covered with one fist, the corners of his eyes crinkling suspiciously…

“Erik,” Benji said, with great and admirable dignity, “You wouldn't be…laughing at me, would you?”

Erik shook his head quickly, but didn't make a sound.

“Because, Erik, laughing would imply that you found this rather embarrassing situation funny, and I just know you wouldn't be so entertained by your old friend's misfortune.”

Erik shook his head again, and he might even have succeeded in hiding his amusement. But, alas, it was not to be, for right then a large blob of icing slid out of Benji's hair and plopped onto his shoulder—and Erik could no longer contain himself.

Everyone stared at Erik, half-collapsed on the floor, holding his sides and screeching with mirth. And that seemed to break whatever spell had been cast over the room. In a second, the entire group had joined Erik on the floor, and the place rang with the kind of infectious laughter that makes you want to smile even if you don't understand the why of it.

“Oh, I know what this is!” Benji shouted peevishly. “This is mutiny! I always knew you all liked Hiei better!”

The laughter swelled, and Benji had begun to think that he'd never get the crew back under control when—

“Ah-choo!”

Silence.

The group stopped laughing, instantly, as if they'd been stuck full of pins. They all looked at Miguel, still sitting on the floor, and Miguel looked back with wide-eyed innocence that clearly showed that he had no idea of the kind of power he held in his freckled nose.

Then Miguel, slowly and deliberately, raised his hand and rubbed it over his nose in a childish gesture, and they all forgot to breathe for a moment before Mikail said shrilly, “See? See? I told you! You forget everything!”

Miguel drew in a breath and leaned back as if readying himself for another sneeze, and everyone leaned forward expectantly. Miguel held the pose for a second, and then shook his head in relief.

“No!” the group screamed.

Seeing that he had captured their attention, Miguel smiled wickedly and reached behind his back, producing—two pies. The grinned widened, and he looked at Erik, raising his missile—then did a 90-degree turn and lobbed it at Hiei. Kurama, showing off his perfect reflexes, stepped calmly to the side to avoid any splatters, and then Hiei had a facefull of pie.

Kurama began to laugh as the pie slid slowly down, dropping to the ground and leaving Hiei with a very white and sugary face. Hiei looked at him for a second, then walked over to Miguel and took the second pie, looking speculatively at it. Then he asked, “Kurama, do you like apple pie?”

“No, not really,” Kurama said with laughter in his voice, knowing the game already.

“Good, `cause this is lemon meringue!”

While Kurama stood in stunned silence as the pie slid down his cheeks in fluffy rivulets, Hiei smirked and turned. “Men,” he said in his best “Me Captain, Me In Charge” voice, “you know what to do!”

A roar of approval met his words, and the crew headed for the kitchen.

“Hiei…” Kurama said, sounding awed as he watched them all disappear. “What did you do?”

Hiei shrugged. “Something fun, if they do what they're supposed to.”

“What—?”

And then Kurama saw, quite clearly, what, when Hiei's veritable army reemerged into the galley, each holding some sort of dessert item and grinning mischievously.

“Um…Miguel?” Erik said uncertainly, taking a step back and hoping Miguel would understand.. “How much dessert did you make?”

“Enough to fill Benji up,” Miguel said hesitantly.

Erik groaned and closed his eyes slowly. “Oh, no…”

XXX

Erik managed to hide under a table for a whole five minutes after the food fight began before Benji found him. His best friend conducted his search with admirable thoroughness, crawling the whole of the messy floor, dragging himself on his elbows to prevent his weapon from being rendered useless, and checked under each and every table.

He grinned when he finally caught sight of the doctor, propping and resting his head on his free hand. “Hello, Erik,” he said conversationally.

“Hi,” Erik replied.

“I have to smash this pudding in your face, you know.”

“No, you don't…I'm sure we can work something out…”

“Oh, come on. It's chocolate pudding. You love chocolate pudding. You know you want it…”

“I'm quite sure I don't, but thank you…”

Benji grinned and raised his hand.

“No…Benji, you can't…we're best friends…”

“You laughed at me, though,” Benji replied matter-of-factly, and let the pudding fly.

Erik sighed heavily. “Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Run. Run far and fast.”

Benji obeyed fervently, and Erik crawled out into the open and stood up. “What's the matter, Ben? I thought you liked chocolate!”

He gave Benji a count of five, and then gave chase, quite ignored by the rest of the crew.

It was Benji's desperate need for shelter that caused he and Miguel to end up crouched behind an upturned table together.

“Benji,” Miguel whispered, “we need a plan.”

“Well, look over there and tell me what we're up against.”

So, Miguel peeked around the table—and gulped.

Every single member of the crew had frozen, and they were all turned toward their hiding spot, holding food and looking perfectly content to wait until the end of days for them to emerge.

“Well?” Benji asked, when Miguel ducked down again. “What'd you see?”

“The need for a plan,” Miguel hissed back. “So…do you have a plan?”

Benji looked thoughtful. “I might…”

Miguel yelped as he found himself suddenly swung up into Benji's arms. “Benji…what exactly is your plan?”

Benji shrugged, and murmured in his ear. “Sorry, love. Live together, die alone.”

“What does that mean?!”

And then Benji pitched Miguel over the table and into the crowd.

“BEEENNNJJJIII!”

They all stared as he landed in the middle of the group, but they were only stunned for a moment. Then Mr. Greeley shouted, “GET `IM!”

Next second Miguel was curled up in a protective little ball on the floor while a plethora of people poked, prodded, and trickled him.

“NO! RAPE! MOLESTATION! DON'T DO IT! BAD TOUCH, ERIK, BAD TOUCH!”

After a few minutes of these screeches, the crows disintegrated into a whirl of dust and brawling, and Miguel was finally forgotten about and able to worm his way carefully out of the crush. Benji was waiting for him, and he took the offered hand gratefully and let his love pull him up.

“Well,” Benji said as they watched the brawl, wide-eyed and a bit awed. “I think we've reinstated Friday night dinner.”

“Mm-hmm,” Miguel replied, and then they went their separate ways—Miguel to a safe little corner, and Benji—to the kitchen.

If Miguel had the ability to see the future, he never would have allowed Benji to go in that direction…

Sadly, though, he only figured out the reason for Benji's chosen destination when the man reemerged, hauling a large barrel.

Is that…?

“KEGGER!”

Oh, dear…

XXX

As the night went on, the crew was reduced to a bunch of Neanderthals with beer.

“Beer nice…foamy…comforting…” Benji slurred.

Miguel shook his head and tried to wriggle himself out of Benji's arms, finally succeeding. “Just don't breathe on me,” he said disgustedly.

Benji smiled and wrestled Miguel back into his lap, kissing him. “I love you.”

Miguel giggled. “You really know how to sweep one off his feet.”

“I try.”

Giggle. “Stupid head.”

Benji laughed. “Yeah, I might be that, but at least I'm not having an affair.”

“Oh, then who is?” Kurama inquired, slightly flushed from drinking so much—and for other reasons best left to the reader's imagination.

Benji smiled, and pointed at Erik.

“Am not!” Erik roared.

“Oh, yeah! Remember that girl in Cuba? The one whose only word of English was `yes'?”

Erik smiled stupidly. “Si, senor.”

“She was married.”

Then the whole crew chorused in with an “Oooh…”

Then the fighting started. It was unclear who hit whom first, but suddenly, the entire crew was caught in a massive heap of flailing limbs.

“…What's with all the grunting?” Miguel asked Kurama, in Spanish.

“I don't know,” Kurama replied. “Maybe we should get Hiei over to translate for us.”

Miguel snorted into his mug.

Then Kurama was engulfed from behind by a small set of arms. “I heard my name,” Hiei's voice, uncharacteristically warm, stated.

Kurama smiled and spun in Hiei's embrace, grinning down at his lover. “Miguel, will you excuse us?”

Miguel smiled knowingly, and nodded.

“Thank you.” Then Kurama took Hiei's hand and pulled him straight out of the galley and into the dark night outside. After closing the door behind him, the redhead pulled Hiei into a long, slow kiss.

“You're crazy, you know that?” Hiei commented after they'd parted.

“Oh? And why is that?” Kurama asked, his grin widening.

“It's freezing out here!”

“You're such a baby. Come on.”

“Wait, where—?”

But it was no use; Hiei was already being pulled off to God-knew-where.

“You crazy little…where are we going?”

“Honestly, you ask way too many questions,” Kurama replied, beginning to climb the ladder to the crow's nest.

Hiei grumbled good-naturedly as he followed the redhead. “Now what's up here that's so important?”

“This.” That was all Kurama said before pulling Hiei into another kiss, which lasted at least an eternity before the redhead finally broke it and pulled Hiei into his arms. Resting his chin on top of Hiei's head, he whispered, “Listen.”

“…I don't hear anything.”

“Really? Nothing?”

“…No…just the ocean…”

“Exactly. I've missed that.”

Hiei laughed. “You're insane.”

“Maybe,” Kurama grinned, pulling Hiei's head up for another kiss.

XXX

“C'mon, Miguel! Just a little bit?”

Miguel glared at him. “Et tu, Brutus?”

“It's not like it's whiskey! What harm ever came from drinking a little wine?”

Miguel raised his eyebrows, and waved a hand to indicate the room at large. “Look at them, Benny. All of them reasonably intelligent young men, driven into complete idiocy by the contents of a few barrels.”

“I know, it's great, isn't it?” Benji asked in fiendish delight.

“I HASH HOT STICK, I HASH HOT STICK!” Sebastian shouted gleefully, running past them as he circled the room with a flaming stick he'd gotten from…somewhere that really didn't bear thinking about.

Again, Miguel looked at Benji with raised eyebrows.

“Disturbing, but great.”

“You stupid!”

The voice rose even above Sebastian's screeches, and Miguel and Benji looked toward their source. Erik looked sullenly back at them, sandwiched between Mr. Greeley and Mr. Straloch, who were arguing rather loudly in slurring, drunken voices.

“No, you stupid!” Shove.

Shove back. “Smelly head!”

“Fart face!”

“Want more beer!”

“No more beer! Beer bad!” Erik shrilled. “Bad, bad beer! Wait—what am I saying? You're both idiots, and I'm leaving now.”

Benji smirked at him as he came over and sat down next to them on their table, muttering under his breath. “You're a very eloquent drunkard, Erik.”

“Shut up, Ben.”

“I bet I could talk better if I were drunk!” Miguel suddenly said loudly.

Erik glared at him after receiving Benji's translation. “Oh, really? And have you ever been drunk, Miguel?”

Benji translated again, and Miguel shook his head. “No, but if I was, I could still talk the betterest!”

“Five bucks says you're wrong.”

And that was how Miguel ended up uncorking a new bottle of wine and taking a swig. He swallowed, then contemplated the taste with lips pursed in concentration. “Hmm…interesting. It's fresh…earthy. You can taste the Italians' feet.”

“Well, it's a Bordeaux. It's French.”

Miguel looked confused. “Well, what's an Italian foot doing in a French wine?”

Erik rolled his eyes up at the ceiling. “Just hurry up and get drunk.”

So, Miguel took another swig. And another and another and another, while Benji and Erik watched expectantly. Another sip…another…then a big swig…and then he was draining the bottle and putting it down with a sigh of satisfaction.

Benji and Erik waited for him to say something, but Miguel just sat there in silence. But then his placid expression slowly began to change to one of horror, and he looked at his hands. “Oh, no…”

“What?” Benji asked, a little concerned.

“I've begun to feel a tingling in my fingertips…I think it's starting to effect me…”

Both Benji and Erik groaned and smacked their heads theatrically.

Then Miguel hiccupped, which—if at all possible—was cuter than the sneezing. “Ev'ry—hup—thing in my—hup---head is spi—cup—ing…” Then, with amazing grace, he stood. “Excuse me,” he said, then ran to the deck and proceeded to heave.

Benji watched him go, concerned. Then he turned and glared at Erik.

Erik blinked. “Don't blame me—”

“I blame you…” Benji said darkly. Then, with one more glance at his friend, he got up and followed poor Miguel.

Miguel was leaning heavily over the rail, emptying the entire contents of his abused stomach into the ocean. Benji looked sympathetically at him and reached out to carefully home back the long red hair. Miguel grunted in appreciation but couldn't say anything before another meal made its appearance. Benji grimaced, but didn't speak.

Finally, though, Miguel finished and wiped his mouth, then smiled shakily at him. “I don't think it was the wine,” he said matter-of-factly. “I think it was the feet in the wine.” Then he frowned darkly and glared. “You are going to regret making me do that.”

Benji grinned impishly, though he still looked a little concerned. “Oh? How?”

A slow, evil little smile crossed Miguel's face. “Well, that's the question, isn't it? But I think I have an answer.” His voice rose. “IT'S BATH TIME!”

XXX

Erik was still stewing in his guilt when the door slammed open and Benji burst in. “EVERYBODY RUUUN!”

Erik looked at him quizzically. “Why?” he asked, everyone echoing him.

And then Miguel appeared in the doorway, holding a loofah and a bar of soap and looking for all the world like Mr. Clean himself.

There was a moment of silence while everyone stared in horror. Then Miguel raised his weapons and cackled. “I have bathroom products and I'm not afraid to use `em!”

Benji hissed, sounding so like an angry cat that even Miguel started a little.

Erik, however, just shrugged. “I think a bath might be pleasant, actually.”

“You would,” Benji grunted. “Traitor.”

“Really?” Miguel asked Erik. “You think it good idea?”

“Mm-hmm,” Erik said warmly.

“Good,” Miguel said with a smile. “Hold that thought.” And then he ran into the kitchen without another word. They scarcely had time to wonder what he was doing before he was back—with a hose. “Now. You want bath? Well, you get bath. Right here, right now.” And then he turned on the hose.

“Wha—but…but I didn't mean it like that!” Erik yelped, dripping from his sudden dousing. “I WAS ON YOUR SIDE, DAMMIT!”

“Miguel, turn is OFF!” Benji bellowed.

“Sorry, I can't hear you!” Miguel deadpanned. “The hose is too loud!”

“Miguel—” Benji tried one more time, before turning tail and retreating.

Miguel smiled evilly, and hefted the bar of soap in one hand before sending it flying to land in front of his lover. Benji fell with an undignified squeal, and landed flat on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Then Miguel's face loomed into his line of vision. “Hahaha….now I've got you where I want you!”

“W-what are you going to do?” Benji asked fearfully.

Miguel just chuckled, soaped up the loofah, and got to work scrubbing Benji's hair.

“No…oh, no, no, no…no…IT BUUURNS! Miguel, stop…you're killing me…NOOO!”

Miguel scrubbed harder, cackling the whole time like the cat who ate the canary, while Benji screamed and fought and screamed some more, all in vain…

XXX

Meanwhile…

In a bar outside the country of Florin

A familiar blue-haired Aussi and his oaf-like companion were getting really, really drunk.

“Chu?”

Silence.

Kuwa turned to his friend and shook him roughly. “Chu?”

“A…duh…” Chu mumbled.

“You're Chu,” Kuwabara explained, Chu apparently having forgotten his name again.

“Oh…wha-ya-wan'…?”

“Just wanted to know…what we gonna do now…like…with life in general?”

“Beer?”

“No! I'm bein' serious here. What we gonna do?”

Chu stared at his half-empty glass in awe. “I dunno…you got any ideas?”

Kuwabara smiled. “I do!” he said, pulling out a large book. “I wrote down all of our adventures in this book, with Hiei an' Kurama, ya know?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, I was thinking about getting it published. I called it `The Princess Bride' by Kazuma Kuwabara.”

Chu blinked. “That'll never sell…”

Kuwa shrugged and tossed the book aside. “Okay. Well, I got something else. It's about a coconut who loses his way, becomes a famous bard, and falls in love. Whaddya think?”

“Now that's a story! Let's go!”

And with that, the two left at once, headed for the nearest publishing company.

They never looked back, or they would have seen a man by the name of S. Morgenstern make his way to the counter, where he found Kuwabara's book and began to flip through it. “Now this is good stuff…”

XXX

Back at Miracle Yusuke's

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT SO MUCH EYE OF NEWT!”

“SHADDUP, YA OLD FART! I TOLD YA, IT'S NOT THE EYE OF NEWT!”

“THEN WHY THE HELL AM I PUMPING YOUR STOMACH?”

“BECAUSE I'M DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO YOU!”

“OH, THAT'S GRATITUDE! MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TO YOUR FATE!”

“GO AHEAD! BETTER THAN BEING NEAR YOU FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME!”

“OH, THAT IS IT!”

“WHATCHA GONNA GO, SCRATCH YOUR BUM AT ME?”

“I'M HIDING THE EYES!”

“NOOOOOOO!”

XXX

The Palace

“Guys? Hello? This isn't funny anymore! Kurama...somebody…help?” Karasu shrilled from Kurama's room, where he had been left tied to a chair with pink taffeta.

In response, the kitchen crew came in and started prodding the Prince with various cooking utensils.

“Hey! No! Stop! I command you to stop!”

“You can't command anyone anymore,” Tara said calmly.

“Why not?”

“You've been dethroned, foo!” Cook scoffed.

“By what?!”

“Well…ya see…”

XXX

Now, Think Way, Way Back to the Soldiers on the Cliff. That's Where We Are Now, With The Soldiers.

“I've only got two rules for you thumb-suckin' mama's boys! One: The pirate ship Revenge. Leave it alone, they're way out of your league. End of story.” Genkai marched in front of the soldiers as she spoke, and they all stood at absolute attention. “Two: Never, for any reason, untie Karasu. Got it? Your new purpose in life is to watch him rot.”

Several soldiers wrinkled their noses. “Ewww…”

“Do I make my demands clear?”

“Ma'am, yes, ma'am!”

Glare.

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Good! Hey, you, bring me something deep-fried and smothered in chocolate!”

“Yes, dictator lady…” whimpered the small, five-year-old servant boy.

“Dictator…I like that.” She smiled in satisfaction as she took the throne. “You! Produce a newspaper for me to read!”

The teenage boy she addressed shook. “How?”

“How should I know? Just do it!”

The boy did as she asked and presented her with a newspaper pulled out of thin air.

“What's your name…?”

“M-Merlin…”

“Okay,” she said, and snatched the paper. “Now, all of you. Go away, get lives, have 2.5 children or whatever. Just get out of my face!”

As one, the clump of people scurried away and left her sight, as she ordered.

Genkai sighed and began to read her paper.

“`Front page: Soldier Rescued From Giant Trampoline. Really rank dude found on a hill. Or was it a mountain. Maybe it was a hill by a mountain…'”

XXX

Berkley grinned triumphantly as he poked his head out from behind the large potted plant in the lobby of the random hotel he'd been in all day. “The target has been sighted,” he murmured into the plastic PlaySkool walkie-talkie he held. “Preparing for ambush.” He put the walkie-talkie away and stepped out from behind the plant, his eyes on the long-coveted Pedro.

He had been following the Cuban since the rest of the crew had—undoubtedly by accident—dumped him here and then left him without warning. The target had been clever, eluding Berkley at most every turn, but Berkley had been persistent, and finally—finally!—his hard work had paid off.

Still smiling, he stepped out from behind the plant, and began to sneak across the lobby. “Da da…da da…da da da da da da…” He sang the Pink Panther theme to himself as he stalked. “DA DA, DA DA!” His voice rose in a crescendo as he hurled himself forward and latched onto Pedro. “HELLO, SEXY!”

“ACK!”

“You keep running away from me, babe!” Berkley complained loudly, causing no few passerby to stop and stare. “I miss you!”

“GET…AWAY…FROM…ME!” Pedro screeched.

“Aw, you don't mean that, love…”

A yowl of, “I MOST CERTAINLY DO!” and a shove, and Berkley was sitting on the floor, watching Pedro racing for the nearest exit.

“Aww, stud…you're so mean to me!” Berkley wailed at his fleeing back. He stared for a moment, then reached into his pocket and pulled out his walkie. “Target has escaped. Repeat, target has escaped. Heading back to Pedro Is My Lover Headquarters to plan the next move. Over.” A moment of silence. Then…

“I LOOOOVE YOU, PEDRO!”

XXX

Back At The Ship

Hiei leaned back from his kiss with Kurama, sniffing the air. “Hmm…do you smell that?”

Kurama sniffed, too. “Yeah. It smells like…”

“Roses…” Hiei said slowly. “But where—?”

“Aw, c'mon, guys, it's not so bad! You smell like humans, at least!”

“BUT WE DON'T SMELL LIKE MEN ANYMORE!”

“Not disgusting men, maybe, but—don't you like smelling nice?”

“Benji, how much do you like this person?”

“Do what ya gotta do, boys.”

Hiei and Kurama listened to this conversation with raised eyebrows. Hiei was the first to put it together, and he groaned and closed his eyes. “Oh, no…”

“What's the matter?” Kurama asked, concerned.

“My men…Miguel's gone and bathed them…my crew…smells like…roses…”

Kurama laughed loudly. “Is that so bad?”

“Easy for you to say. You've been living like a woman for the past forever and a day…” Hiei grumbled.

“Ugh, don't remind me.”

Hiei smiled, but buried his face in Kurama's chest as though something had upset him.

“Hiei?” Kurama asked, his voice concerned. “What's wrong, love?”

“Too long,” Hiei replied, his voice muffled in his lover's shirt.

“…What?”

“We lost so much time…”

Kurama blinked slowly, confused at hearing so much vulnerability in Hiei's voice. “Love, what're you…?” Then comprehension dawned across the redhead's face. “…Oh.”

“I could have lost you.”

Kurama's embrace tightened. “I did lose you. For awhile.”

Hiei sighed. “I just…I don't…”

“You don't what, love?” Kurama prompted gently.

Hiei's voice was barely audible now. “I don't want to lose people anymore.” He turned his head so that his cheek rested against Kurama's shoulder. “You're the best thing that could possibly happen to me in a million lifetimes, and…those people down there, moronic and pathetic and hopeless as they are…” Hiei's voice quavered and cut off, then came again with renewed strength. “Never again. That damn pretty boy and his Godforsaken pathetic excuses for henchmen will never get within fifty leagues of you, my crew, or my ship for as long as I'm hear to stop them.”

Kurama chuckled. “You won't have to do it alone, you know. I'm not exactly a damsel in distress. And I don't want you to get captured any more than you want me to.” He grinned. “You aren't the only infatuated ninny in this relationship.”

“I am not infatuated.”

“Of course you aren't, dear.” Kurama laughed at the look Hiei gave him, but his voice turned sober after a moment as he placed a gentle kiss on Hiei's forehead. “I would go to hell and back for you any day of the week and twice on Sunday, love, and I know you'd do the same for me. I also know you won't ever have to, because I will never leave you alone again for any reason. I swear.” He placed another kiss on Hiei's forehead. “It's us against the world from now on. All right?”

Hiei nodded slowly and shoved his face back into Kurama's chest. The redhead rested his cheek against the top of his lover's head and tightened his hold on the smaller man. He started to sway gently, and Hiei moved with him, not wanting to do anything else, and not knowing what he would do if he did want to. They stayed like that for a good hour, at least, listening to the sounds fading on the deck below them as everyone went to their beds.

“Are you tired, love?” Kurama finally inquired quietly.

“Exhausted,” came the muffled reply.

“Do you want to go back to our cabin?”

Hiei shook his head. “I like it up here. It's quiet.”

Kurama smiled. “All right, then.” And he flopped down on the floor of the crow's nest, pulling Hiei down into his arms as he did so, cradling the smaller man in his arms. “Sleep now.”

In this position, held in Kurama's loving embrace, his head pillowed on the redhead's chest. Hiei felt himself drifting off already. “Yes, sir,” he replied sleepily.

The soft, silky chuckle that rippled through Kurama's chest was the last thing Hiei heard before he allowed himself to be pulled into dreams that were peaceful for the first time in more weeks than he could remember.

XXX

He awoke to silence, except for the soft sounds of waves slapping against the ship, gulls calling to one another, the soft creaking of the ship as the wind rocked it, and Kurama's deep, even breathing. He felt more rested and at peace this morning than he had in months.

The sun had not yet risen, but the soft glow on the eastern horizon told Hiei that its appearance would not be long in coming. Stretching lazily, Hiei stood slowly, careful not to wake Kurama. Sighing contentedly, he started to walk towards the edge of the crow's nest—and froze at the sight of the coconut lying on the floor. Slowly, he reached down to pick it up.

He stood there for awhile, pondering, cradling the coconut in his hands. It probably seemed silly to everyone else, feeling such a deep sentimental attachment to a fruit, but to Hiei, that fruit symbolized a lot of things. Love. Loss. Separation. Pain. Confusion. Loving again. He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't hear Kurama coming up behind him, and he started when he felt Kurama's arms come around his waist from behind. “What're you thinking about?”

Hiei smiled slightly. “Coconuts.”

Kurama chuckled, but realized that Hiei had something important on his mind, so he said nothing else as he waited for Hiei to speak. He wasn't disappointed.

“I really did believe this stupid thing was you for awhile.”

“I know.”

“I needed to believe it.”

“I know.”

“I love you, Kurama.”

Kurama smiled. “I know.”

Hiei sighed, and pondered some more. Kurama waited patiently. Then, quite suddenly, Hiei hurled the coconut into the rolling waves with all his strength—with was quite substantial, small and insubstantial as he looked.

Kurama smiled again, and his hold grew impossibly tight. “I love you, Hiei.”

They stood there for a long time, until the sun began its ascent into the sky and the tell-tale sounds of the awakening crew disturbed the peace of the morning, but only slightly. They didn't speak—words were unnecessary. The coconut was still bobbing on the waves.

Or at least, it was until it was chomped to pieces by the teeth of what could only have been a shark.

“YEEEOOOWWW!” Kurama yelped, clutching his head momentarily with one hand before returning it to Hiei's waist.

“…Do you think that's an omen?” Hiei asked.

“Probably.”

Hiei sighed. “We lead such charmed lives,” he remarked dryly.

Kurama smiled, and tightened his embrace for a moment before going back to his former, more relaxed hold. “Just watch the sunrise.”

And so they did.

XXX

“And then they all lived happily ever after, and then Benji crashed the ship, and it was bad, and everything sucked. The end,” Yomi finished, closing the book and putting it down.

“WHAT?” Shura yelped indignantly. “THAT CAN'T BE THE ENDING! THAT'S NOT AN ENDING! THAT'S A FREAKIN' BEGINNING!”

Yomi shrugged. “Well, there's a sequel,” he said nonchalantly.

“Oh…well then okay,” Shura said, calming down a little.

“Of course, I'm not going to tell you what it is.”

Shura flared up again instantly. “YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!”

“Must you constantly shout?” Yomi asked, looking amused at the reaction.

“YES, I MUST! WHAT'S THE SEQUEL CALLED?”

“I thought you hated this book.”

“I NEVER SAID I DIDN'T!”

“You're putting an awful lot of energy into convincing me to give you the sequel title, for someone who hates all Morgenstern has to offer.” And with that wealth of information, Yomi stood up to leave.

“WAIT!” Shura screeched, reaching out in vain to grab his shirt.

“Sorry, I have a schedule to keep,” Yomi replied, already heading for the door.

“TELL ME THE TITLE!”

“Uh…no.”

“TELL ME! I HAVE TO KNOW!”

“Sorry.”

“I'M JUST GONNA GOOGLE IT AFTER YOU LEAVE!”

“Dirty.”

“I'LL BUY IT OFF E-BAY!”

“Have fun with that.”

“YOU OLD MUMMIFIED FART!”

“Little white-trash rich kid.”

“GET OUTTA HERE!”

“A little behind, aren't you? I'm trying to leave.”

“BASTARD!”

“Are you ever gonna stop?”

“LOSER!”

“Apparently not.”

“JERK!”

“Oh, look, there goes Tommy Tune.”

“AH MUNNAH EAT CHOO!”

“Oh, don't even try to do a Miguel, kid, you can not pull it off…”

“PLEASE?” Shura shouted after him, actually choking on the word.

Yomi chuckled and shook his head, smiling in satisfaction as he left his grandson's house, having paved the way for yet another obsessor of The Princess Bride.

Tomorrow, the binge drinking would begin.

Thursday, the kid would begin therapy.

And two weeks from today was the day Shura was scheduled to chew his own head off.

Well, I do love a schedule…

XXX

Shura sat and sulked in silence for a long time after his grandfather left. He wanted that book—he really wanted that book…and he wouldn't rest until he got it! He wouldn't think about anything else until the sequel to The Princess Bride was in his hands. No matter what.

A whole ten seconds passed after he made the resolution before his PlayStation controller was back in his hands—a new personal best—and with the flip of a switch his game was on again.

“Now…let's see that ending…”

XXX

All Cast: stands silent, waiting for further instruction

Li: hugs Rico and snores loudly

Ava: Li…? Nudges Li! You have to wake up! Wake up and tell these people to go home!

Li: mumbles …And then I'd say, “What is this in your ear?” And I'd reach in their ear and pull out a bright, shiny penny, and people would just laugh and clap…

Adara: …Fascinating.

Li: Have you ever levitated a Rottweiler?

Adara: …No.

Li: Not easy. But with a cape…and a wand…and a shiny…black…top hat… snores

Ava: Okay, on three, we take the megaphone…

Adara: I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for someone who cares…

Ava: Okay…I'll take the megaphone…

Adara: Better.

Ava: attempts to take Rico

Li: …You try take my Rico…?

Ava: No, I was just trying to—

Li: No one touches my Rico…guards…guards…!

Adara: You fired the guards…because one of them ate your lemon strudel, you remember?

Li: thinks We like strudel…

Ava: The movie is done, Li.

Li: Really? How was it? Happy? Sad? Good? Bad? Exciting? Boring? It must've been boring, hence, the sleeping…

Adara: And the snoring…

Ava: giggles You made a rhyme…

Li: So…it's over?

Ava: Yes.

Li: Done!?

Adara: nods Finished.

Li: Well…I guess we can…go ho— snore

Karasu: Go…hoe?

Ava: Go home.

Karasu. Go home. Like homie? Sings Rollin' with the homies…

Ava: No. Go home, Karasu!

Adara: And everyone else, too.

Every human and Karasu leaves, and the only remains of the actual set are Li snoozing in her director's chair, Ava and Adara staring at her, and for some reason, a tumbleweed

XXX

A Few Weeks Later…

“So…what exactly happened here?” The small, beady-eyed reporter paced in front of the large, cell-like room as he spoke, eyeing the three girls inside with interest. He had a notebook in his hand, and as the lab tech answered him, he began scribbling furiously.

“Well, the doctor found the blue-haired one wandering the streets, cuddling a megaphone and crooning to it. So he tried to take it, so that he could speak to her, and she smacked him and screamed for her army of squarks—”

“And can you tell me what a `squark' is?”

The tech shrugged. “The doctor asked her that, and she said with great dignity that a squark is a mystical wart-covered bird that's perpetually feeling sorry for itself.”

The reporter nodded, and scribbled that down.

“Well, anyway, doc figured she was more'n a little nuts—ever read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest? So, he pulls some of his ultra-cool-and-intimidatingly-awesome Pink Belt moves, and gets her into his car.”

“And how did the other two get here?”

“They came with her. The doc was about to climb in when they came charging around the corner, foaming at the mouth and screaming in Yiddish. One of them was swinging a wet squirrel around and the other had a big salami. So, the doc busted a move again, and brought them all here.”

The reporter nodded. “Now, can you tell me the prognosis?”

“We haven't been able to get much sanity out of them.”

The reporter jumped as the voice spoke behind him—he was facing the doorway with his back to the cell—and turned to face the doctor. “Where do you come from?”

“I get asked that a lot…” The doctor looked thoughtful, then shook his head and went on. “Well, anyway, the prognosis is this: those three are absolutely, totally certifiable. It seems to be incurable. From what I can pick out of the psychobabble, the blue-haired one was driven out of her teeny-tiny mind by a movie she was directing—and also, she keeps speaking of people trying to steal Rico Suave, whom I guess is her boyfriend…”

“THE COCONUT IS HIEI'S LOVER!”

“See? Insane. And the name Karasu is mentioned quite a bit, too, so she—whoever she is—must have had something to do with the situation. And—”

“Who're you?”

The blue-haired girl's voice grunted very close by, and they all turned to see her face pressed against the glass as she glared at them, still clutching the megaphone.

The doctor smiled charmingly. “Ah, Miss Li. You know me! I am Dr. Shabalabaloo. This is Mr. Habadabadong…” The tech nodded. “…And Bob Smith.”

“Oh…” Li shrugged and turned away, wandering back to her friends.

“Okay, do you have anything to add to my notes?” the reporter asked.

“Tell him you're a quack,” one of the others—Adara?—said flatly.

“No one asked for your input OH MY GOD FOOT.”

Li tucked the foot she had stuck out at the doctor back under her with an air of satisfaction. “Y'know, one day they're gonna come up with a name for that food phobia. Everyone has it…” she said, with perfect lucidity to her friends. Then… “BREAK IT DOWN!”

Adara and the other girl, Ava, responded instantly. “Boogie wonderland…”

“BOWIE IS THE MAN!” Li yelled, beginning to dance.

“Even penguins dance to his tune!” Ava added.

“There are penguins in Supernatural!” Adara said.

“Jared's a hottie!”

“His dog could totally chase aliens…”

“E.T.'s boogly…”

“BOOGER!”

“I have a toe…it's gross.”

“And be grateful for it! There are people in India who don't have toes!”

“Oh, shut up about the kids in India already, Adara…”

ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!

They were interrupted by a loud blaring sound, and a calm, cool voice came over the intercom.

“Attention, please. An avenging angel has just arrived on a flaming chariot from Heaven and announced nuclear Armageddon. The apocalypse is upon us, and the sky is raining flaming bunnies. Please duck under the nearest table until the earth opens up and swallows you whole, at which time you are on your own.”

Li immediately grabbed one of her slippers and began to speak into it. “Attention, men. We are at war! To your stations!” Then she turned to Ava and Adara. “We have to build a fort.”

Ava nodded. “I'll get some pillows.”

“And I'll get the glue,” Adara added.

“Why glue?” Li asked curiously.

“Provisions,” Adara replied.

“Right.” Li nodded, and took a candy bar out of her pocket and began to eat is absently. Adara stopped cold and stared at it.

“You've been holding out on us…” Ava said slowly. “You had chocolate on you this whole time!”

“How could you?” Adara wailed. “I haven't had anything but the little blue pills in THREE DAYS!”

“I got the red ones yesterday…” Ava said tentatively.

Li glared. “And you didn't think to share?”

Adara snorted and eyed the candy. “Pot calling kettle much?”

Li rolled her eyes and said flatly, “You're insane. I see no pots here. Or kettles.”

This seemed to be the last straw. “AIIIYYYEEE!” Adara yelled, launching herself at Li.

Dr. Shabalabaloo watched them for a moment, then turned to the other two. “So…flaming bunnies?”

Mr. Habadabadong shrugged. “Absolutely.”

Bob Smith nodded. “I'm with you. Maybe we'll see some squarks…”

XXX

A few thousand miles away, Karasu modeled his newest dress in front of his mirror, cackling. “Well, Karasu, you have successfully neutralized Public Enemy #1 and made it so you never have to see her face again. What will you do next?”

A moment of silence.

Then…

“I SHOULD BRING HER FLOWERS!”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE END! OR IS IT? No, it's not. There's another chapter coming! Well…sort of. Stay tuned…