Fan Fiction / Zoids Fan Fiction ❯ Heartache ❯ Remembrance ( Chapter 5 )

Disclaimer: I own none of the Zoids characters/creation `cept for Kally and Rasaal.

Warning: This contains serious stuff such as drugs and suicide. Don't try drugs or suicide. It's really bad. Remember your decision also affects the ones you love.

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Remembrance

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He was flying the Pteras again. Without warning a piercing white light appeared in front of him. He tried to swerve away from it, but the controls of the Pteras ignored his frantic efforts to move them out of danger. He cried out as they entered the brilliant light.

'Cause I can't take anymore of this

I want to come apart,
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart

Jamie saw himself sitting there by the water's edge; he sat beside his dream self. A figure walked up and sat beside his dream self. "Want to talk about it?" a gentle voice asked him. They both turned towards the sound. Tears slowly fell down the face of his dream self. He reached out to touch those tears but his hand passed through his face.

"Oh Jamie." The kindly voice said sadly pulling him into her calming embrace. He watched as his younger self cried his broken heart out into her shoulders. He remembered this was the day that his mother had left him forever. He'd never been able to say goodbye. Tears began to fall slowly down his face, the pain of his loss broke lose once again. He watched sorrowfully as the piece of paper his younger self held crushed in his fist was taken from his grasp by a strong gust of wind. It fluttered away into the distance. But he remembered - the poem was branded on his heart - forever.

To you I dedicate; to Mama from me with Love

We have this time together

And all of it I love

You've taught me, you're my mentor

My angel from above

Every time I visit

You tell me something new

You give me real advice

When I'm feeling blue

You never once pretended

Or thought only of yourself

If you only had've told me

That you'd need my help

There's a lot I have to tell you

And words might not convey

I'd give anything to see you

For just another day

You are my inspiration

And at loving you are the best

As I read this there is beating

In my heart, my love, my chest

And if God comes down to touch you

And I'm not there to see

I never will forget you

And what you mean to me

I'm sorry if I haven't told you

About the love I feel

Or if I didn't take advice

I can't believe is real

With faith that you have taught me

I believe we'll make it though

These words might not be sufficient

But Mama; `I love you'

He'd written it the day before she had died. That night while he slept she had been taken ill. His father had rushed to her side leaving Kally to take care of him and Rasaal. Leaving her to break the news. She never saw the poem he thought to himself fleetingly. When he woke he found out that he was alone, father had gone without him. Kally had born the brunt of his anger, he had hurt her badly he knew now. Later that morning his mother had died peacefully in her sleep. She had been in no pain, his father had told him, when she had died. They had put her on the strongest painkillers available - overdosing her - so she would not feel the pain.

Kally had held him when he had cried out his pain. Over the days before the funeral she had cared for him, Rasaal and his father. He had been angry with her - she hadn't seemed to care. Treating life like it was normal - like nothing had happened. But now he knew that was how she had dealt with her pain, but he hadn't known then.

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He hung his head in shame as he remembered what he had done to her. He remembered the day of the funeral.

The day of the funeral had arrived. Kally had been dressing Rasaal, preparing him for the funeral. His father had already left. His dream self entered the room, rage racing through his veins. Jamie watched in horror. She looked at his dream self and then smiled, he struck her - hard. Blood slipped down her face. She looked at him tears forming in her eyes.

"Jamie?" she asked not believing what had just happened. Jamie reached for his dream-self's hand, to stop him. It was too late; he struck her again. She reeled hitting the wall. She cried out in fright. He struck her again and then it started - those painful words. Rasaal had long since fled the room, hiding away from his angry brother.

Jamie watched helpless as his younger self abused her - desperately wishing he could take back those cruel words. Kally leaned heavily against the wall cringing at every word he uttered. Blood flowed unchecked from her nose; a bruise began to appear just under her left eye. Utterly disgusted with her his dream self struck her once more. He turned and left the room and she slowly sank to the floor. Tears mingled with the blood. He reached out to wipe away the tears, to help. He watched in frustration as once again his hand passed through her. They heard the front door slam. Kally slowly got to her feet and went to find his youngest brother, her little cousin.

Jamie followed the tracks of his younger self, heading towards the gorge. He spotted him; he hurried to catch up to him. The younger Jamie peered moodily down at the huge drop. He sat there waiting - thinking to himself -waiting for the time to pass.

He rose with his young self, as the funeral was soon to start. Jamie remembered as he stared at the people who had come, then anger had coursed through him. Why had they bothered to come, they hadn't visited her in hospital. The two Jamie's watched the funeral in silence - one with anger and pain in his heart, the other a deep sadness.

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He remembered the day after the funeral. All hell had broken lose.

Kally had not come to the wake, neither had Rasaal. He had waited patiently to see her - not sure why. His father had told him she had probably gone home to put Rasaal to bed. The funeral had been the last time he had seen her.

Jamie watched his dream self wake up. He waited patiently as his younger self slowly prepared himself for the day. He followed himself out of his bedroom. He walked into the kitchen and watched hungrily as he prepared breakfast. Jamie the younger made breakfast for the whole family. He woke up his father and went to wake up Kally and Rasaal. Jamie followed him.

"Kally?" he called gently knocking on the door. He opened door when there came no response. Kally's bed was made perfectly as usual as was her spotless room. Jamie watched sadly as his younger self smiled and went on to Rasaal's room thinking she was there. Rasaal wasn't there, neither was Kally. Jamie watched him search the whole house to no avail. She was gone. Jamie followed his father into his office. On the tidy desk lay an envelope addressed to his dad. His dad picked up the envelope and tore it open; a small letter fell out. Jamie watched as his father fell heavily against the desk; tears in his eyes. The younger Jamie entered as well.

"What's wrong father? Have you seen Kally or Rasaal? I can't find them anywhere." Jamie the younger said.

Jamie answered in time with his father. "Kally's gone; she's taken Rasaal with her."

"But why?" Jamie the younger cried out.

"Don't you worry about that. It's probably for the best Jamie." His father answered.

Jamie the younger ran from the room - anger and betrayal run through his mind. The older and wiser Jamie watched on sadly.

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Jamie watched the months roll on before he joined the Blitz team.

I just need this to be all right
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
Necessary to medicate

Jamie watched himself change dramatically. After his mother's death he had had a pretty tough time. He knew he had done wrongly by taking it out on his younger cousin. She had left, he did not know why, taking his younger brother with him. Now he had no one to talk to, no one who would understand him. He bottled everything up inside of him. And that's when trouble came.

Jamie watched himself go from a happy, normal boy to a bitter, withdrawn one. He got in with a bad crowd. First came the rag-tag clothes, then the knives, and then the drugs.

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive

At first it had been only because it was the `in' thing, but then he began to need it - to dull the pain in his heart. It worked at first but then in his dream states he began to remember - the pain he had been trying to escape just came back. Soon he was addicted to the drugs, he could do nothing to help it.

Too much pressure
If you need me I'll be here
Half unconscious to escape my fear

Jamie watched as the drugs dragged him down. He began to use the daggers to cut himself, just little nicks here and there. But it began to become serious, long searing gashes began to appear. His clothes hid all the scars he had made. His father walked in on him once unbeknownst to him. His father had taken in the situation and called out for help. That help had been Doctor Toros.

Jamie remembered the psychological institution he had been taken to. Once there they had put him solitary confinement. His knives had been taken; his drugs had been taken too. He was gradually weaned off the drugs. The doctors had studied him with rabid fascination. His spirit broken, he had eventually submitted to the rules set forth for him. Once he had been pronounced `normal' he had been taken back home.

Before he had been able to fall back on the old habits he had just been treated for Doctor had made an offer to him and his father. His father had accepted gratefully. Now, Jamie was a member of the Blitz team - he had been for 5 years now.

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The memory dream began to fade. He looked around - surrounding him was the bright light.

"Jamie." A beautiful voice called. He knew that voice. He knew that voice well.

"Mother." He cried out. He looked around for her frantically. He saw her. She was moving away from him.

"Mother! Wait! Mother!" he cried out running for her. He ran but she was always a great distance in front of him. He couldn't catch her. Tears streamed down his face.

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He sliced through the light; once again her was flying. This time he was flying his Raynos. He sighed. He come though unharmed. He remembered now.

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"Jamie!" Leena said in exasperation. "Wake up!"

Jamie moaned trying to shrug away Leena's annoying hand.

"Ja-mie." Rasaal said. Jamie opened one of his eyes open a crack. He saw the serious look on his little brother's face.

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became

Leena totally infuriated by Jamie not waking up resorted to emptying a bucket of icy cold water over his head. Jamie awoke with a start to find he was dripping wet.

"LEENA!!!" Jamie howled at the top of his lungs when he saw her holding a bucket. Rasaal started nervously at the sound of his angry older brother. Jamie saw his little brother was upset and pulled him into a reassuring hug remembering to late that he was wet.

"Oh No." Jamie said with a sigh. "Do you know where Kally is Leena?"

"No." Leena said suspiciously inching away from him.

"Do you know where I can get a spare change of clothes for Rasaal?" he asked her hopefully.

"Umm. Maybe Dad may have some." Leena said nervously.

"Here." Jamie said handing Rasaal to Leena.

"What are you doing?" Leena said a panicked note rang in her voice. She held Rasaal at arms length.

"Getting changed." He yelled back.

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"Have you seen Kally Doc?" Jamie asked Doc hopefully.

"No Jamie. I haven't I'm sorry." Doc said quietly handing him some of Leon's old baby clothes. "I can't believe I still have some of these."

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And so ends the fifth chapter of A Gryphon's Courage The lyrics in this story come from a band called Staind. Also my friend acid_raine and I originally did the poem for my Grandfather who died not long ago of pancreatic cancer. This story has been in a way a kind of a personal journey for me. I hope you like it. I am open for any constructive criticism you may have so please drop me a line.