Fan Fiction / Zoids Fan Fiction ❯ Searching For Me... ❯ One-Shot

Searching For Me…

By: Marin Dunham

Original Fan Fiction Copyright Marin Dunham 2003

Legal BS: I did not create Zoids, although I wish I had because I would be a very rich, very happy gal right now. But I didn't. Van and Irvine and Moonbay and Fiona and all the rest of the Z gang are copyright to their original owners. I am making no money off this, and merely want to promote Zoids. please don't sue me. I have no money. Honestly. HOWEVER, the story I wrote is MINE (MINE MINE MINE muahhhhh haaa haaah haaa, Ahem) anyways. Enjoy.

A/N:

Alrighty, haven't seen all and or much of Guardian Force. Very sorry. Van had grown up in this fic *don't worry guys, he's not 12 anymore* As for any major inconsistencies, I'm sorry. Oh, btb. Irvines command Wolf, I believe, bites it big time and he's piloting a Saix now? But since I am not sure, I have reverted back to him having his command wolf. So, try to ignore that detail since I'm pretty sure I'm wrong. Other than that, happy reading.

Ps: This is a shout out to all of my readers. "Thank you for your encouragement and support…I cant do it without you!!!

ON WITH THE STORY>>> WHICH IS A LEMON>>> GUY GUY INTERACTION….FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES IF IT SQUICKS YOU!…

~*~

Van sat in a frustrated gargoyle knot on the far side of the Blade Liger. He was still stinging from Fiona's rebuff. Zeke snurgled sympathetically as he came and lay quietly next to him.

"Go away Zeke…I'm angry. Not at you, but I'm mad."

Zeke tilted his head as if in deep thought.

//Why are you angry Van?//

"Geeze Zeke…you wouldn't understand."

//why not?//

"Agh! Look, just leave me alone, ok."

//you don't desire her. She rejected you because she knew.//

"Just go away!" Van howled as he leapt up, taking a frustrated mock kick at Zeke.

"Rowwwrrrr."

"Yah, you too buddy."

"Rowrrrrrr."

Zeke shuffled off warbling frustratedly to himself.

Irvine had to avoid being trampled as he and Zeke tried to share the same square foot as he rounded the side of the Liger.

"What was that about?" The merc sighed as he danced out of the way of the swishing tail.

"And why the hell is this camp so tense?"

His eyes followed the retreating Organoid.

"Van. Why is Fiona locking herself inside the Gustav and crying her eyes out?"

"Don't you start now!" Van hissed as he took back up his Buddha stance again.

Normally, Irvine would have teased Van into a frenzy, gleefully, but something was really, very wrong. He sat at a careful distance. He didn't say anything, just followed Van's scowling eyes to the horizon.

Van's heart was pounding painfully hard in his chest. Irvine was far to close. He knew if he looked at him he would see broad shoulders, creamy, toned skin and a beautiful gray gaze. He loved Fiona sure…but… he could barely breathe when Irvine was around. For all that they disagreed, Irvine and him were just more alike. They lived and breathed the same air, rode the same skies. Fiona could never understand that…and…

"Van?"

Irvine had never seen Van so officially, deeply disturbed. So disturbed that he hurt his friends and didn't even realize he was doing it. He turned to see if Van had looked at him, acknowledged his name being called. Instead he found Van's head was in his hands. And he was crying. His shoulder's shaking.

"I didn't want to hurt her." Van whispered.

Irvine scooted closer.

"How did you hurt her Van?

"I…"

Irvine's head snapped up as Zeke's return was announced by a flurry of sand. The Organoid had felt it's master's distress, and despite their disagreement the brave dragon had come back.

//Is it really true Zeke…am I…If I tell Irvine, he will never talk to me again.//

//Why?//

//Because straight guys don't take kindly to a queer talking to them about…//

//why does it matter, so long as you love your mate?//

//humans are just like that sometimes Zeke//

//Is that why you cry?//

//yah, and Zeke…I'm sorry.//

//It is forgotten. You were sad.//

//and Zeke…could I go for a run with you…I'd like to ride, for a while.//

//But first…shouldn't you answer Irvine?"//

"Irvine…I couldn't…I'm not…I…"

"Van."

"Look Irvine…I don't like girls. I love Fiona, but, I couldn't…and she wanted to…and….shit. Just forget it."

Irvine blinked.

"Just…just forget it ok…forget I said it…"

//Zeke, please, I have to get out of here…//

Irvine shut his mouth somewhere around the time that Zeke brushed him back from Van and ducked to help his raven-haired partner climb on.

"Van…Its…."

"Look Irvine, I know you don't want to talk to a queer, let alone be in the camp with one. You can leave, its ok. I understand."

"But Van…"

Van tapped his heels to Zeke's sides, begging the Organoid to get him out of there.

//But Irvine wants to say something to you.//

//and I don't want to hear it//

Van squeezed his eyes shut as the Organoid rocketed away, leaving Irvine to gape and blink in the sand plume.

"I'm sorry Irvine." He whispered into Zeke's neck-plating as he clung. He laid low, letting his cheek touch Zeke's warm metal exterior. He could not stop his tears.

//you cry?//

"Yeah Zeke…I'm sorry, but I am still sad." He said, raising his voice over the slight breeze.

//Then I will keep running.//

//Zeke, you're my best friend…you know that, right//

He could feel the rumbling response of Zeke's purr under his cheek.

Van felt the wind kick up at the edge of the box canyon they were running through. He raised his head, letting it tease through his hair and the sunset light caress his tan skin. He was feeling a little better. He had just needed to admit aloud to someone what he was feeling. Too bad it had been Irvine. He imagined the other young man was somewhere on another continent by now. He would miss him badly. And Fiona. That was bad, how could he explain it to her…

//She already accepted it…I could smell it on her skin. She understands.//

//How CAN she Zeke?//

//Because she is your friend.//

//I'd really be hating me right about now if I were her…//

//Van, it will storm soon. We should find shelter.//

"Storm?" Van asked aloud.

As if in response, thunder pealed across the desert, echoing loudly in the canyon and making Zeke startle.

"We should head back then."

Zeke growled an affirmative as he picked up a relentless pace, putting the rising purple storm clouds to their backs.

"Please find him Irvine." Fiona pleaded.

"I'm worried about him too…" Moonbay pleaded. "This storm is reading off the scales in the Gustav's storm sensor's…"

"I'll do my best." Irvine said as he shut the canopy of his command wolf to the first fat splatters of rain.

He eased the wolf into an effortless, but ground covering lope. Hoping to keep some visibility while covering as much ground as fast as he could.

Van ducked his head into the rain, trying to see. It made his skin burn with its icy needles. It was a practically freezing rain, as this stretch of desert was prone to. He was already completely soaked to the eye-teeth, and even Zeke was complaining about the cold. He could not see, and he knew Zeke couldn't either. He was wondering if it could get any worse when the hail started, stinging fiercely against his face and back, and pinging off Zeke like stones off a tin roof.

They must have continued for a mile more, heads down into the wind and aiming for the direction they hoped camp was. Van had stopped shivering a long time ago, and kept nearly slipping from Zeke's back. He vaguely wondered how hypothermic he really was as the desert sun sank below the horizon, announcing that the temperature would soon drop further. He was wondering if he would die out on the merciless plains when the rain suddenly stopped all together.

Van looked up. The bulky belly of Irvine's command wolf was cutting off the rain.

"Van." Irvine bellowed over the speakers. "Get in."

Van squinted as if the heavens had opened and dropped a command wolf on top of them along with the hail, a command wolf with a pilot that sounded suspiciously like…Irvine.

"Van…hello? Zi to Van?"

Van's stomach hit somewhere around his knees.

"Oh Gods…Irvine…" He sobbed as he weakly laid his cheek back against Zeke's neck.

//Go to him. You are not well, it is to cold for you here.//

//Zeke…I can't face him…//

//you will freeze…//

Zeke's mind voice was full of worry. And not without just cause.

Van Slid down from Zeke's back and staggered under the weight of his soaked clothes.

"Dammit Van…" Irvine growled as lightning struck nearby, making Zeke jump and Irvine's speaker crackle.

Irvine popped the cockpit hatch and jumped from his command wolf, landing in the sand. He headed for Van, fully intent on tackling the unresponsive younger man, when Van followed his instincts and bolted. Except he didn't make it far. Zeke stepped in front of him, causing him to impact the Organoids side and knock himself stupid. Irvine had him in one pounce.

"Get in the damn cockpit with me you stupid….rrrrrrrr…"

"Owww! Irvine leggo…no ahhgg."

"Your freezing. Bloody…stupid…"

"What about Zeke?!"

"Zeke will be fine. He can follow the wolf back." Irvine hissed as he dragged the unwilling Van under the sanctuary of the command wolf.

"Zeke…will you…"

A loud "rowwrrrr." Affirmed that Zeke felt fine with following the wolf back. Van just wished he could share the little Organoid's enthusiasm.

It was when he realized that he was going to be sitting in Irvine's lap all the way back that he began to panic.

At that exact moment, Irvine also realized that Van was soaked, and that he would need to be dry to sit in the cockpit. He was NOT returning with a wet lap.

"Strip." Irvine commanded as he opened an auxiliary panel on the side of the wolf and removed a spare pair of baggy pants and an old crop top. A little more rummaging provided a towel.

"What are you, a boy scout?" Van quipped as he struggled to get his numb fingers to undo his boot buckles. Part of him still wanted to run like hell. He was still debating it when Irvine knelt in the wet sand to help him.

"Van…I know that wasn't easy for you."

He had never heard Irvine sound so husky. He was on edge instantly.

"Relax Van, I'm not angry…and you never let me speak."

Irvine picked Van up under the Armpits and lifted him out of his boots. He stripped Van's shirt in quick motion and was toweling the younger pilot before he could blink.

"Gods above Van, you're freezing." Irvine hissed as he toweled painful life into numbed flesh.

Irvine helped the shaking man into his spare shirt, and it was when his hands touched the waistband of Van's pants that the younger pilot shied.

"It's Alright Van. Will you trust me?"

Van shifted from bare foot to foot for a moment, before slowly nodding, and letting Irvine's hands shadow his own as he struggled to get the soaked denim past his hips and off of his legs. He stepped into the pair of proffered black pants and had just about taken a step back into the rain when his frozen legs gave out. Irvine suddenly scooped him up, much to Van's irritation.

"IrVINE…I CAN walk YOU know?"

"Feh." Was the only response Van got.

After Irvine stowed Van's wet clothes, the wolf offered Irvine an easy leg up, which he took. Opening the cockpit under the still pattering rain, Irvine slid into the pilot's seat, setting Van crossways across his lap. The smaller pilot was forced to wrap his arms around Irvine's neck for balance as no time was wasted putting the wolf into motion.

It was awkward to say the least, but what surprised Van was that Irvine wasn't complaining. And he had to admit that the further they went, listening to Irvine's heartbeat was a comfort, as well as the body heat. The only unpleasant thing was the burning pain of waking limbs.

"Van."

"Yes."

"It's ok. I feel the same way as you do."

Irvine closed his eyes for a moment, resting his cheek on top of Van's head, letting the soft sway of the wolfs gait comfort him.

"The same way…?"

"Yes…its not that women aren't pretty, it's that, I like men. I can't imagine being with a woman. Even my good friends, like Moonbay…"

Van listened in stunned silence.

"Everyone knows about you Van…we all knew it would happen sometime, just not when…we knew long before you did, and no one hates you."

He expected an outburst from Van, but instead, felt the younger man hiccup. And curl into the proffered sanctuary of his shoulder and bandana.

Irvine let the wolf drift to an easy halt, taking his hands from the controls, and wrapped strong arms around Van.

"Don't cry Van, there is no shame in being what you are. Its better than living a lie."

"But now…no one will want me…no one will…"

Irvine pushed Van back, pushed him back until their eyes could meet, until he could look deep into the ebony depths of Van's soul, touch his pain. And then leaning forward, backlit by a nearby bolt of lightning, Irvine kissed him. He felt Van startle, almost pull away, and then stop. Softly, tentatively, the kiss was returned while the rain drummed softly on the canopy and the cockpit was lit with soft green glow of the wolf's controls. Irvine let Van tangle fingers through his hair and deepen the kiss, let the younger man pour out all his sadness and fears into the act. And when Van pulled away, Irvine felt bereft. Nothing was said for the longest time, both regarding each other. Van with a wild desire and fear in his eyes. Irvine with his self assured expression of calm acceptance.

"Accept it Van. Accept that you love me, I accepted that I loved you long ago."

Van's eyes filled with frustrated fearful tears.

"How? How do I do that…what will Fiona think…what will…"

Irvine shushed him.

"We already talked about it. They both agree that they think it is best for you."

"But how do they know…poor Fiona…oh god, I'm such a screw up…"

Irvine leaned down to press a kiss to Van's forehead then smoothing the wrinkles of anxiety with strong fingers.

"Are you sure Irvine…"

"Yes…and Van…don't be afraid…"

He could feel the younger pilot shivering in his arms as he re-settled him and reached for the controls.

"I'm terrified."

"I wont let anything happen to you…"

"But…"

"Shhh. Rest. You are exhausted. I will wake you when we get back to camp."

"But Irvine."

"Sleep."

Van woke what seemed like moments later to Irvine gently rubbing his back.

"Morning sleeping beauty."

"mhh..?" Van grumbled.

He felt Van panic for a moment, not sure what had happened or why he was sitting in Irvine's lap. He always had been a slow waker.

"Relax Van, your safe. Were back. You are coming to my tent.

"But what about Fiona and Moonbay…back?...tent? "

"They have their own. They want you with me for a while until you feel more adjusted."

"but…"

"Are you ready"

Van shook his head as Irvine popped the hatch to the wolf.

"No…I can't…"

"Van, it's ok, they're asleep. I called them on the COM link and told them we were on our way back and to get some rest."

"But….well…if you say so."

He let Irvine help him down from the wolf. (His legs were still a little unsteady) and lead him to his tent.

Van was surprised, as he dashed in barefoot from the rain. All his stuff was there. Gear, sleeping bag, and moments later, Zeke poked his nose in from the torrent.

//going to sleep with Fiona//

Van jumped like had been kicked; he hadn't heard the Organoid make an appearance. Irvine was fiddling with a pack, but looked up when he heard Van jump, smiled to himself, and then went back to work.

//Ok Zeke…please tell her if she asks, that I'm sorry//

//She understands… be with Irvine//

//WHAT?!// Van mentally yelped, but got no response from the silver dragon.

"Damn…" Van muttered as he scratched the back of his head, trying to cover for his response to Zeke, he asked the first question that came to mind. "What time is it Irvine?"

"Midnight."

Van unrolled his sleeping bag as Irvine started up a small space heater. Van just perched for a moment, feeling his heart pound nervously. He didn't know if he could do this…he started to shiver, so hard his teeth rattled. He steadfastly clenched his jaw to it.

Be with Irvine…what was that supposed to mean…he didn't even know how to…oh GOD…

Irvine was watching Van with concern. He could practically smell the young man's anxiety. When he made eye contact, Van looked shyly away, and curled into his sleeping bag further as if in self-defense. Irvine sighed as he stood. And made his way over to him.

"I will not hurt you Van." Irvine carefully undid his headband and stripped his shirt, boots and eye patch off, then crawled in next to the frightened Zoid pilot and laid down on his back at what he judged to be a safe; or at least less threatening distance.

"Come on…It's alright. I would never ask you to do anything you aren't ready for; or don't want to do.'

"But I want you Irvine…" Van's voice was barely a whisper. "But I'm afraid…I've never, with anyone…I…don't know how to…"

"We don't have to do anything until your ready…" Irvine sighed.

"Van, just, turn over, please look at me."

Van shivered as he rolled over, clutching his upper arms fearfully.

"There." Irvine soothed patiently. "It's warmer together anyways…Now…just touch me, just lay closer."

Van nervously complied scooting closer until he was resting his cheek in the hollow of Irvine's bare shoulder, twining one leg with the larger pilot's and stretching a tentative arm across the broad chest,

"There. Just relax. It never has to go any farther than this. I don't want you to be afraid."

Irvine threaded gentle fingers through Van's hair, loosening the tie until the stubborn strands fell like black water around his shoulders.

Van let his breathing slow, and surprisingly, he began to shake less. Less and less until he was breathing in time with Irvine. Until he could feel Irvine's heartbeat under his cheek, and the soft drumming of the rain on the tent. He broke the silence first.

"Irvine…what's it like?"

Irvine hesitated.

"Its…nice…when you can trust the person and feel safe."

"Does it hurt?"

"Some…for sure the first time…"

He could feel Van break into a nervous sweat.

"Easy Van."

"It's just that…"

"I know." Irvine eased as pressed a soft kiss to Van's temple.

"If it's done right the pain isn't so much."

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yes." Irvine whispered.

"Will you teach me?"

"When you stop shaking. I don't want to feel like a rapist…"

"Oh…I'm sorry…I don't mean to…"

"Its alright." Irvine laughed huskily. "Lets start with this, you just touch me, anywhere, anyhow you want to. Get used to the way I feel. I promise not to push you."

Van nodded. It was probably the least intimidating proposition he was going to get.

Sitting up, he carefully straddled Irvine's waist and let his fingertips start in the spiky brown hair. He pressed a gentle kiss to the pale expanse of cheek and forehead, as Irvine closed his eyes, letting Van explore without any pressure. Surprisingly gentle fingers trailed across collarbones and chest, followed shortly by a teasing tongue and lips.

Irvine struggled not to make a sound, but in the end, wound up moaning reassurance to Van, showing him where it felt good, where it was sensitive, and how to touch. He guided the inexperienced younger man with his responses and soft sounds. Van searched Irvine head to toe, except for one place. The place that Irvine was starting to get desperate TO have touched.

"Irvine, is it ok?" Van whispered as he hooked his thumbs through his waistband.

"Yes."

Irvine lifted his hips encouragingly, and with one smooth motion, Van carefully pushed the older warrior's pants and boxers to his ankles, freeing his erection.

Van was fascinated. Irvine had to fight the urge to push against the smaller pilot as his fingers closed softly around his hard flesh. He was suddenly unable to breathe. The innocent exploration of the younger man was making it hard to not scream.

"You're so…big…how would you fit…" Van breathed as he gently stroked Irvine's shaft.

"V…Van..!"

Van gently released him at his plea.

"Did I hurt you…I…I'm sorry…"

"Didn't hurt." Irvine whispered as he swallowed past the dry lump in his throat.

"Felt good…"

Van looked up at him helplessly, unsure of what to do next.

"Irvine…I…"

"Will you let me?" Irvine whispered as he sat up, gently taking Van's shoulders in his hands.

"I…but… yes…"

Irvine wasted no time, and gently stripped his spare shirt from Van.

Van blinked up at him, trembling on the edge of arousal and fear. The only light was from the space heater, backlighting Van and making his tan skin glow a mellow gold.

"You are beautiful, Van."

It was when Irvine gently pulled them together, enfolding Van in a sensuous kiss, that he felt the dark warrior melt into him, melt into the touch. Irvine gently licked his lip, pleading entry, begging to deepen their touch. Van reflexively opened, letting Irvine inside, letting their tongues spar, letting Irvine's hands stroke through his wet hair.

When they parted, Van's eyes had lost some of their fear, and instead blazed with need, a hot want that Irvine understood all to well, and was counting on to make this easier for the younger pilot.

"Trust me." Irvine whispered as he carefully slid Van's pants off, pushing the smaller man back to the sleeping bag.

The instant Irvine bent to suckle Van's throat, he could feel the younger man's want hard against his hip. When he bent to encircle a nipple with his tongue while kneading Van's taut back, Van cried out. Unintelligible, but full of longing.

"Shh…Van…its alright." Irvine reassured. The dark haired pilot nodded in reply while struggling to catch his breath.

"I want to taste you…" Irvine whispered.

The bigger man dipped his head to Van's chest, Nibbling across exposed collarbones, whisping powerful hands across trembling stomach and lower to Van's need. Without warning he gently rubbed their erections together, Making Van arch up under him, rise to meet his hands and hungry mouth for another kiss. Irvine paused for a moment, suddenly ceasing his ministration as he reached out from the confines of the sleeping bag for his pants, fishing through a pocket. Van blinked at him curiously.

"It will make this a lot easier." Irvine stated, emerging with a bottle of oil.

"Oh." Van breathed, his eyes dilated…his breath coming in trembling gasps.

"Relax Van…I'm not going to take you right now… you are going to take me…"

Irvine rubbed Van's shoulder reassuringly as the young man stopped breathing all together for a moment.

"I don't know how…" The raven-haired warrior whispered.

"You will." Irvine's voice was a rumbling baritone now, soft and deep, and it made something in Van's guts clench, made his hair stand on end with need.

He watched with trembling hands as Irvine gently popped the cap, pooling a liberal amount into his cupped palm, and then breathing on it to warm it.

Irvine hated pushing this, but if he gave Van a moment to think, he would spook, never go near a man again. He did not want Van to have to live with that sort of fear, that anxiety of being taken advantage of. He did not want Van to be alone. He knew all about being alone. And it wasn't fun.

"Van…" Irvine's voice cut the darkness as another lightning bolt lit up the inside of the tent, backwashing his form in blue light.

"You can say no." he informed.

"Yes." Van stated forcefully

"Are you sure."

"Yes." Van whispered more gently.

"I promise you this will not hurt." Irvine breathed as he gently slickened Van's straining shaft with oil.

"I trust you Irvine."

gray eyes, amber with desire, met his.

"I know."

"Will I hurt you…?"

Irvine shook his head in a no.

"Not if you are gentle…"

"Oh…are YOU sure..?"

Irvine laughed softly, the sound making Van want him even more, made his desire rise to a fevered pitch.

It was when Irvine straddled Van's hips, that the enormity of what was about to happen hit the Zoid pilot.

"Easy…" Irvine's voice was like balm on a burn, soothing the nerves that the younger pilot knew flitted across his face. Irvine whispered soothing things until Van didn't care anymore, and just wanted the older Pilot…wanted him…

Van was shivering again, and it was not from cold. He felt Irvine rise, brace strong palms against his chest, and press Van's tip to his opening. Irvine studied the younger pilot's eyes, studied their color and depth, and watched for fear. There was none now, just fierce desire and intense curiosity. Forcing himself to relax, he let Van slide into him a little, let the pilot feel his heat, his intensity. Sliding a little more brought a soft cry from the smaller pilot, whose hands wandered up the back of sculpted arms and glided over powerful abs until they rested, easily on Irvine's hips. Irvine smiled to himself, the kid was a natural. Relaxing more, he let himself slide all the rest of the way, taking Van in up to the hilt. He hissed aloud from the pleasure and pain.

"Irvine, are you ok?" Van quavered as he struggled to not move.

"Oh yes." Irvine whispered as he bent to capture Van's mouth in a trembling kiss.

Rolling them over in one skilled motion, Irvine let Van take the top, let their bodies meld, skin touch with electric passion.

Irvine rocked his hips, gently moving so that Van would know that it was ok to push.

Van's eyes were closed now, his face a mask of concentration and astonishment, his mouth slightly open.

Irvine shifted again, letting his mouth meet Van's, forcing the younger pilot to concentrate on the here and now, to move and complete him.

"Oh Irvine." Van breathed as he carefully pulled out and plunged back into the tight heat.

"That's It…" Irvine whispered as Van accidentally stroked the spot inside of him that made him see stars.

"It…You…"

"Shhh, I know Van…just feel."

Irvine felt Van roll up onto his elbows, take his weight from his chest, and allow himself to be able to caress and kiss the bare skin of the bigger warrior, reach his lips and run his fingers through his hair.

"Irvine." Van breathed as the bigger man arched into his rhythm, let him slip a hand under his shoulders for better leverage as he increased his speed, thrusting deeper, harder, stroking into Irvine while his hands caressed his back. While their tongues sparred, Van got an idea. Freeing a hand, he gently reached between their bodies, grasping Irvine's erection tightly, pumping in time to his thrusts…he heard Irvine moan encouragingly.

"There is a spot Van…angle up more…it…Oh!" composure slipping, Irvine growled in pleasure.

Van smiled through the fine beads of sweat that dripped down his forehead.

He understood. He pushed harder, feeling himself close to the edge, he worked on pushing Irvine, Pushing him towards the same destination that he was headed for. He brushed that spot over and over again, hearing Irvine whimper and alternately purr as he brushed against it; Wanting Irvine to feel as good as he felt, pushing until his vision began to blur, until with one final thrust, he came, pulsing deep and wet inside Irvine, he was too wrung out to shout, but Irvine did, coming onto Van's stomach with a cry that made Van thrust again, push again as he pulsed, wringing out the last of his pleasure before falling spent and sticky to Irvine's sweat soaked chest with a satisfied growl.

Van lay there, letting the sweat cool, letting Irvine stroke his back reassuringly. He whimpered then, the enormity if it caught up with him again. Completely limp, unable to move, unable to stop little hiccups that lead to tears that he knew he could not prevent he reached out to Irvine.

"Irvine."

"Shhh…Van…I know. Its ok to cry."

"Irvine…that was."

"Beautiful?"

"Yah, I never imagined anything could be so… good…"

"You should try this side."

Van shivered.

"I'll bet."

"Van…you are so beautiful."

"Funny…" Van whispered, "I always thought you were the beautiful one."

Irvine laughed. "That just isn't natural"

"I suppose." Van laughed softly.

Irvine gently took Van's hips in both hands, pushing him down until he slid, soft from his body.

Irvine winced just slightly.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No, just been a while since I did this…that's all.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

They must have lay there for half an hour, neither making a move to clean up, or shift. Van eventually did sit up for a moment, needing to wipe the tearstains from his face on the edge of one of the towels dangling from the edge of the tent rail. He tossed his still soaked hair over his bare shoulder, and buried his face into the towel. Scrubbing softly, he was blind to the world at the moment he felt strong hands grasp him from behind as Irvine sat up. He felt lips shim his neck, and then, as lithe fingers stroked through his hair, a playful nip.

"Ouch!"

A low chuckle and the press of teeth down his spine, lips and tongue caressing away the little hurts as they were made.

Van unconsciously arched into the touch; feeling himself becoming aroused again…feeling Irvine's renewed desire press against his back.

"Irvine?"

"Hmm?"

"Would you…would you…please…show me what it's like to…"

"Oh." Irvine laughed softly. "That…look, Van, it's going to hurt, I wont lie to you…and I don't know if your ready, you've had a traumatic enough day as it is…"

"Irvine…please?"

"But…"

"Please?"

"I…"

"Please?"

"If your sure?"

Irvine did not waste any time. He already had Van on his knees and hypersensitive as hell. It wouldn't be that hard. He just was afraid that he would damage the sensitive pilot.

Irvine wanted to take him on his knees, It wasn't as intimate, but it would be much much easier to control how he took the other pilot. He hadn't even touched him yet when the shivering started again.

"Shh…now…" Irvine gently placed his knees outside of Van's and covered his back in a gentle hug that allowed him to crane his neck and kiss the younger man gently.

"Irvine…I'm afraid…"

"We don't have to do this."

"But I don't want to be afraid."

"Then don't be, and trust me."

"I…"

Irvine kissed a hot trail down the younger man's spine, letting his fingers toy with the solid erection that was already there, and could feel how cold Van was. Maybe it would be easier if they were warmer…He grabbed his sleeping bag, and unrolling it, draped it over his shoulders as he bent forward again, covering Van's body with his own. Letting one arm take his weight while the other hugged across the younger man's chest.

"Better." Van breathed as his shivering lessened. The body heat rolling between them was erotic, and it was fast pushing Van into a fearless state of need.

"Remember, all you have to do is say stop."

Van nodded as Irvine reached for the oil again.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as the bigger man coated a finger.

"What?"

"Hush." Irvine soothed as he knelt on top of Van's lower legs, propping his cheek on the younger pilot's lower back and began to massage the tight back muscles with his un-oiled hand.

Carefully, he placed the finger at Van's entrance, and then pushed past the tight ring of muscle. Van jumped and struggled for a minute, but Irvine's soft voice was reassuring and calming.

"Don't fight me Van…just relax."

"It…"

"Feels sort of weird, Yah, I know."

As soon as Irvine had gotten Van used to being stroked, he poured on a little more oil, and added a second finger. Van quivered underneath him.

"It burns." He whispered.

"I know, I know it does." Soft lips caressed the younger pilot's spine as a free hand massaged tense muscles while he scissored his fingers, stretching carefully, slowly until Van had relaxed into his touch more and was finally ready to go further.

"This is going to sting." Irvine warned as he poured more oil, and began to introduce a third finger.

"Ahh…Irvine…GOD!" Van nearly screamed in pain.

"Sorry…" Irvine apologized as he slid his fingers in a little further. "It only hurts for a little bit, only for a little bit…" Irvine coaxed gently as he slid them further, waiting for Van to relax enough that he could stretch them, to reach for the sweet spot that would make Van forget that he was being tortured. Van finally stopped trying to push him out, stopped fighting, and Irvine crooked his fingers.

Van would have jumped out of skin if he could have.

"Irvine…oh…please…it's good when you do that…"

"I know Van. Your ready."

"I…"

"It's ok. This part will be the worst, understand, it gets lots better from here."

Van's legs were trembling violently, and Irvine shifted off of them, placing his knees to the outside again, and taking a moment to liberally coat himself with oil.

"Van…It will be ok. You've got to remember that,"

He saw the dark head bob in reply, and he gently grasped Van's hips, placing himself at the pilot's entrance. He could feel Van was ready to shy away already, and he grasped more firmly, leaning forward to drop a kiss at the nape of the smaller pilots neck.

"Now." Irvine whispered as he pushed into the tight ring, pushing his head past, flexing his hips gently.

"Ah." Van arched under Irvine like a kicked cat.

"Shhh…." Gentle lips skimmed ear, neck, and chin, skimming until Van relaxed, albeit whimpering anxiously.

Thrusting again against the tightness, Irvine buried himself a little deeper.

"Irvine!"

"Hush…I know."

It was then that Van made the fatal mistake of arching his back again, while Irvine was fighting the urge to thrust.

Irvine realized halfway through the action that he had messed up. When he slammed home, Van's scream of pain left his ears ringing.

"Irvine Irvine…Hurts HURTS!"

"Oh god…" Irvine whispered. "I am SO sorry Van…so sorry…"

"Hurts…" Van sobbed. "Hurts."

Irvine softly covered Van, not needing his grasp on the younger pilots hips anymore, he could keep them warm, ease Van through this with his touch.

"Oh man…I'm so sorry." Irvine apologized. "I didn't mean to…that was too hard, I shouldn't have…"

"Hold me…its ok…" Van whispered. "It must have been hard to go that slow…I know you didn't mean it…Just hold me."

"Ok." Irvine whispered as he trembled, sheathed inside Van, reaching out to stroke shoulders and nape. He wanted to kiss away Van's tears…but he could not make himself meet the pilot's gaze. A few moments past, Irvine in exquisite agony, but refusing to move. He wouldn't blame Van if he never wanted to see him again.

"Irvine…move…please…It doesn't really hurt anymore."

"But Van."

"Please…"

"Van…I love you…I don't ever want to hurt you again like I just did."

"I still trust you Irvine."

"How can you?"

Van gently rocked forward, pulling Irvine from him partway, and then pushing him back.

"Van!" Irvine's hand wrapped around the thinner warrior's ribs, the other around his neglected erection, stroking gently.

"Irvine…move!"

Irvine started a slow rhythm, backing off every time he heard Van hiss in pain. He searched, gently angling hips, trying differently every time until he found what he was looking for.

"Good! So good!" Van gasped as he pushed back into the thrust.

Irvine was no slouch when it came to adapting to a lover, and he soon was hitting Van's prostrate with every push, making the younger pilot cry out in pleasure instead of pain.

"Irvine…deeper…please…Irvine…I…god …"

Irvine smirked as he felt Van start to tremble. It was a gesture that meant that the pilot was dangerously close. He increased his speed, focusing on himself, on the tremble of Van's body, the way his erection throbbed insistently in his hand, and concentrating, Irvine laid his cheek on Van's shoulder.

"So tight Van, so hot…" Irvine closed his eyes, slamming deeper, harder, into Van, needing to release, needing this young man that he had fallen in love with so long ago.

"Van…Van…love you." Irvine could not have held back if he wanted to, and with a throaty cry that was reminiscent of a howl, he came.

Van arched under him, shivering as Irvine's white hot heat filled him, pushed him until he too, cried Irvine's name, his arms collapsing, unable to hold both their weight in their throes.

For the longest time, there was only the sound of thunder, the soft tapping of rain on the tent and of course, two pilots breathing like they had run a marathon. Rolling over and pulling out of Van, Irvine realized they had somehow managed to end up in the middle of the cold tent. He offered Van a hand up, and had to catch the pilot before he fell.

"Irvine…" He panted.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you that it hurts to stand for a while. Let alone sit."

"It's ok…I'm…I'm bleeding?"

"Yeah, that can happen. I'm so sorry." Irvine whispered as he reached for a hanging towel, gently tying it around the smaller pilot's waist.

"Come lay with me Van, its almost morning…we need a little sleep."

Van went to take a step, and then had to stem the flow of blood and Irvine that trickled down his leg.

"Whoops." Irvine said as he untied the towel, and used it to wipe Van clean.

"Change of plans…" Irvine said.

"There's a small lake out back, lets take you for a soak…I could use one too…"

"Ok…but…"

"I'll help you." Irvine said calmly as he offered a shoulder to lean on.

Irvine tossed two dry towels onto a rock. The rain had stopped, but lightning was still jumping from cloud to cloud. He lowered Van into the water, and then followed behind him with a splash. Irvine gently supported the exhausted Zoid pilot.

"Does the water help the pain?"

"Yes…It's cold…feels good…"

"I figured."

"Yah."

Van gently twined his fingers in Irvine's hair, pressing a soft kiss to his temple.

"Irvine?"

"Hm?"

"Thanks. I couldn't have asked for a better teacher."

"I…I…" Irvine was uncharacteristically lost for words.

Van gently rested his head on the taller pilot's shoulder, snuggling close.

Two giggles drew their attention to the far side of the pond.

"Oh, there IS no god." Van whispered as he met the amused gazes of Fiona and Moonbay.

"I would definitely say that there is a god Van, Considering that was all we heard you screaming…that and "Irvine…Harder!"

If Van turned any pinker, he would have been a lobster. He turned to find Irvine rooted in horror, his mouth hanging open.

"Or how about me having to restrain Zeke, and explain to him why when you were screaming bloody murder and that Irvine wasn't really hurting you? Fiona snickered.

"I…I…I…" Irvine stammered.

"Well, Caio boys, were going back to our tent now, the show is over."

"YOU WATCHED?!" Irvine bellowed in astonishment and outrage.

"We didn't have to." Moonbay replied drolly. "We could hear ever minute of it."

"Uhhh…Fiona…seriously…uh…" Van was blinking, not really sure what to say but feeling obliged to say SOMETHING.

"Don't worry about it Van…" Fiona laughed. "Girls are much more interesting anyways." She said as she followed a naked Moonbay back to the girl's tent.

"I DON'T believe it." Van coughed.

"I was scared before…but now…" Irvine blinked. "I'm terrified."

Irvine dunked them both to rinse off the sweat and with Van finding out that a certain command wolf pilot was ticklish; scraped themselves clean.

"Lets go back Irvine, I'm very sleepy…and I AM at the `had enough trauma' point"

Irvine chuckled as he toweled the drowsy pilot off, and then tied the towel around his waist.

"Feeling better?"

"Much."

"You will be cursing my name tomorrow morning…"

"Yah, that's tomorrow. Right now, I'd say it was worth it…"

Irvine chuckled.

Back in the tent, Van tied his hair back, then snuggled in comfortably next to Irvine.

"I can't believe I was afraid to touch you before."

"Feh." Irvine snorted as he rolled them both into the doubled sleeping bags.

"Shut up and get some sleep Van."

"Yah yah."

~*Owari~*