Fan Fiction ❯ A slash made in heaven ❯ One-Shot

A slash made in Heaven

by selena281

A/N: I did this as a spoof for the most part, based on an idea I had after watching the MTV movie awards. Don't take this too seriously, I'm not :)

I also apologize beforehand for any typos. (no spellcheck on my program *sob*)

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Dobby is lonely after being freed from the Malfoy family. He asks Harry, brilliant savior of the wizarding world, and knower of all things, what to do. Harry suggests looking in the wizarding personals section.

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"NEW!: personals from middle earth..... "

Middle Earth, Dobby thought, why did that sound so familiar? Was it something from a book? He shrugged his thin shoulders. It was probably in that stupid long book everyone talks about: Hogwarts a History. As far as Dobby knew, that book was a catch-all tome containing all there was to know about anything. Several people claimed to have read it (a daunting task to be sure... which is why so few had ever done it) but if they were lying, it was unlikely that someone could call them on it.

Still, this wasn't really of any importance to the house elf. Oh well, back to the ads.

There were a quite a few.

Dobby snorted. There was a proportionately larger number of ads in the "men seeking..." section. Half of them were suspiciously alike.

"single, soon to be king, iso short curly headed manservant...."

"dashing descendant of Isilador, iso short cuddly companion. curly hair a must..."

"manly but sensitive swordsman iso dark haired hobbit, pref. blue eyes. must call himself Frodo."

"sexy, brooding, rugged type, (no Arwen this isn't me, give it a rest already!)..."

Many of the others were listed as "men seeking...." or "women seeking...." something called a Legolas. Was that some sort of plant? There were also a few under "miscellaneous seeking...."

Dobby looked closer at that list. Perhaps it would have something less... human. Nothing against them as a whole, but after serving the Malfoys for so long, he was ready for a clean break.

"courageous dwarf, impressive lineage, iso pretty blond elf. gender not an issue."

"shy urak-hai searching for soulmate. enjoys long walks on the beach...."

"cagey ex-hobbit, large bluish eyes, fetid skin iso a submissive type to take out agression on."

"sweet creature, lovely singing voice, ex-jewelry fondler, iso companion, maybe more. lives with one other. please call, i know you are out there!

"former nazgul seeking short term fun. let me rock your world! couples welcome."

Dobby looked over the ads again. He didn't have curly hair, or any hair to speak of, so the first group were out. The dwarf ad looked promising (although he didn't know what one of those was) but despite being an elf, he didn't have blonde hair, and wouldn't have called himself 'pretty'. Scratch that one. The nazgul, whatever that was, sounded desperate and more than a little grabby.

The only ones that had potential were shy, sweet, and cagey. The urak-hai seemed the logical choice. Dobby contacted him.

To Dobby's dismay, the urak-hai appeared to have a bit of a speech impediment (and he couldn't figure out what gender it was supposed to be). It growled alot, and sounded disgruntled. When he asked about that, the urak-hai said it had a troubled childhood, and was working through some things. It went on about his race having no females, alot of slime, and serving the dark lord.

"You serve the dark lord?" Dobby asked eagerly, happy to have something they could discuss. "My old master serves the dark lord!"

"You think it's the same dark lord?"

"It might be!" Dobby said enthusiastically. Finally, something in common!

"Does he have a thing for jewelry?" The urak-hai wanted to be sure if they were discussing the same 'person'.

"uhm....." Dobby had only seen 'He who must not be named' a few times at the manor. It was never the occassion where one might dress up... certainly not an occassion for wearing jewelry. Still, those dark hooded robes hid a lot. For all they knew, the deatheaters might be serving evil incarnate who had a thing for crossdressing. Although that wasn't all too uncommon in the Deatheater circle, Dobby just didn't like to dwell on that. He had seen some scary things during wild parties at the mansion, very scary things.

"I'm not sure" Dobby said.

"Oh, well you'd know. He never does anything that doesn't involve this ring. Has it with him all the time, or tries to anyway."

"His robes conceal him most of the time. I don't think I've ever seen his hands..."

"Nope. not him."

"How can you be so sure-"

"MY dark lord doesn't wear robes, plus he's actually a flaming-" the urak-hai began in a growly voice.

Dobby quickly cut off the connection on the glass seeing ball. His eyes bugged a bit more than usual. He did not need into a relationship like that one! It reminded him too much of drunk cavorting Deatheaters, as well as the ghastly punishments 'He who must not be named' was fond of issuing. He shuddered.

Disturbed as he was, Dobby didn't want to give up so quickly. He wearily picked up the personals section, and went over the ads again. That only left two more possibilities.

"cagey ex-hobbit, large bluish eyes, fetid skin iso a submissive type to take out agression on."

"sweet creature, lovely singing voice, ex-jewelry fondler, iso companion, maybe more. lives with one other. please call, i know you are out there!

He noticed that the contact information for the 'ex-hobbit' and 'sweet creature' were the same. He wondered if they lived together. He took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing.

~~~~~~~

Gollum was exceedingly happy. He actually had a date! For the first time in.... well, in a long time. He had been rather lonely without his precious, and now the humiliation of placing a personals ad would finally pay off!

"I cant believe someone actually wants to go somewhere with you." evil gollum hissed.

"just because you're jealous, doesn't mean you have to take it out on me" gollum whimpered.

"How could someone answer your stupid ad, and not mine?" evil gollum spat.

Gollum didn't know what to say to that.

"I'm lonely tooooo!" he wailed "Why can't someone like me?"

"Perhaps you come on a little too strong..." Gollum suggested timidly.

"I know" evil gollum said, as if struck by a particularly brilliant solution. Gollum cringed. "Take me with you!" he demanded.

"But-"

"Take me with you!" he screeched. "How can you refuse me this? I've kept us alive all this time, with no help from you, you ungrateful sniveling little piece of hobbit excrement!"

Who could argue with a case like that?

Gollum tried to change the subject before he was forced to agree. "So what should we have for dinner tonight?"

Evil gollum narrowed his eyes. "Take me with you, or I'll eat your stupid pet bird, you insignificant cross eyed weevil infested poptart!"

Gollum cowered. So much for changing the subject.

"Ok, you can come with us" he whined. "But I didn't say anything about you to him, so try to be nice or something."

Evil gollum smiled. "I'll act however I want, you miserable little tuber worm."

~~~~~~~~~

The day of the date arrived. It was a lovely spring afternoon, the sun was shining brightly, and the birds serenaded in the trees.

It was too bright for Dobby's liking, so he put on a hat and a pair of muggle sunglasses that Harry had bought him last christmas.

He was meeting this Gollum fellow at the park. A good place for a first time meeting, as people frequented the location quite often. Dobby looked around, but didn't see anyone matching the description he'd been given.

"Pssst. Over here." Dobby heard a voice hiss at him. He looked around, wringing his hands, until his large eyes fell on a form hidden in the shadows of some dense foliage under a tree.

"That you, Gollum?" he asked meekly.

"Yes, it is us." Gollum replied. "Maybe we should rethink this park thing, the light is really bothering me."

"Were would you rather go?"

"Hmn..." Gollum thought.

"Let's go to a club!" evil gollum suggested.

"No. I don't like clubs." Gollum protested.

Dobby was confused. "If you don't want to go, then why did you-"

"Ok, how about a bar then?" evil gollum asked. It was taking real restraint for him to ge civil to Gollum. But he sort of liked this Dobby creature, and didn't want to scare him off just yet.

"No" Gollum said "This is my date. I say we go to the theatre."

"The theatre?! Don't be stupid." evil gollum sneered.

"Excuse me, but don't I have a say in this?" Dobby asked carefully.

Evil gollum smiled indulgently. "Sure. What would you like to do?"

"Let's go somewhere indoors, for one thing. My eyes hurt, and people are staring."

"Let's go back to my place." evil gollum suggested with a smirk.

"No!" Gollum said quickly, "you don't want to go there!"

"Well make up your mind!" Dobby said in an exasperated tone.

"We'll go to my place." evil gollum shot a warning glance at Gollum, telling him not to mess this up.

"okaaaay." Dobby said hesitantly. This Gollum was quite a character- almost sounded like he was arguing with himself. Dobby sighed. The things we put up with to find love.

~~~~~~~

"...and this is where i keep my chains, and leather stuff. Over there is where I like to-" evil gollum was saying.

"-keep my pet bird, choochoobean. Isn't he cute?" Gollum interupted.

Dobby was impressed. Gollum lived in a rather swanky little cave. It was on the water, and had a nice view, even if it was rather dark inside. He even owned a boat.

"What was it you said you do for a living?" he asked.

"We fish."

"You and your roommate both fish?"

Gollum nodded. "We are very good at it."

Evil gollum rolled his eyes. "Gollum, I'll leave you to this boring stuff. Let me know when your done." Gollum perked up "ok, we will!" Things would go more smoothly if it was only the two of them.

"So, what kind of things do you do in your free time?" Dobby asked.

"Well, I do like to sing..."

~~~~~~~

They chatted long into the evening. Dobby felt much more hopeful. Now that Gollum seemed to have dispensed with the urge to talk to himself, he was enjoying his company a lot more.

"Hey Gollum, where is the roommate you mentioned in your ad?"

The blue eyed creature looked shifty. "He's not here."

"Let's just enjoy this time alone while it lasts, yes?"

"Ok" said Dobby with a smile. "You know, I had my doubts at first, but I think I really like you."

"Really?" Gollum piped up "Do you mean it? You really like me?" he seemed overjoyed at the prospect.

Dobby laughed. "Yes I do, you silly thing."

Gollum's eyes lit up, and he swept Dobby into an enthusiastic hug.

"HEY! What's the deal?" evil gollum shouted. "You never told me when to come back!"

Dobby jumped back. What the heck?

"I wasn't entirely truthful with you, Dobby." Gollum's eyes filled with tears. "This is my 'roommate' as you say. I am never really alone."

"Dobby," evil gollum said, "we met earlier."

Dobby just stared.

"Are you the one who placed the other ad?" he asked, going out on a limb.

"Yes, that's me." evil gollum said with a grin and a bow.

He then turned and hissed at Gollum who was sniveling in a most annoying fashion. "Oh do shut up, you already had your time alone with him."

He turned back to a shellshocked Dobby. "So tell me, which ad were you trying to respond to? I can see where it might be easy to mistake us."

"I didn't really decide who I wanted to talk to at the time" Dobby squeeked out.

"Well, who do you like better?"

"From what I can see... it would be more of a package deal" he ventured.

"Hmmm. Well, I don't like him very much, but we are pretty close." evil gollum said thoughtfully. "Still, I'm sure we could arrange something."

Dobby's head hurt.

"Do I have to decide right away?" This whole thing was getting stranger and stranger. Apparently, this Gollum creature was painfully skitzophrenic.

One might wonder how a house elf came to know such an uncommon word. Dobby learned many things at the mansion. He learned the meaning of this particular term, due to first hand knowledge of Mr. Lucius Malfoy. He had suffered from this since his early days at Hogwarts. Many of the Malfoys did. Young Draco was showing the signs as well.

But back to Lucius. He has no memory of what he does when he is being one of his other selves, which explained a lot once Dobby found out.

It all started in his sixth year. Rumors started circulating, and eventually reached the ears of those at the manor. Students were reporting sightings of a young man with long blonde hair at the local strip club. They said he went by the name of Luscious, and was quickly drawing large crowds due to his extrordinary pole dancing skills. It wasn't certain that this was indeed Lucius, but that didn't stop the gossiping. Unfortunately for Lucius, while he didn't remember these episodes, the majority of the student body did. It caused him to become very bitter. He vowed that one day, he would make them all pay for those insidious lies. This single handedly kicked off his illustrious career with the Deatheaters, and fueled him through the long years as Voldemort's lackey.

Nowadays, the angry side of him rises to the fore most times. Luscious is quite scarce. Unless, as some Deatheaters were delighted to discover, you got him very, very drunk. More often than not, this is the major draw for most of the parties at the mansion. Everyone is very careful not to mention it afterwards, for fear of Lucius putting an end to it all (and possibly trying to kill a few of them for outrageous accusations.)

Then there are the rare days when Lucius' other self emerges. The good father, loyal husband, and all around caring family man. (Keep in mind, this is rare.) He is halfway decent to the house elves, affectionate towards Narcissa, and even spends quality time with Draco. He seems oblivious to his work duties as well, but Voldemort decided to just let him be on these days. He wasn't any good as a minion of evil anyway. He didn't like to hex, torture, or threaten anyone, and was generally so nice that it made the Dark Lord absolutely sick just to look at him. To make up for missed time, Voldemort simply made sure that a party would be scheduled shortly thereafter at the mansion. It was a perfect way to punish Lucius, and reward his other followers at the same time. He was evil afterall....

Dobby gave evil gollum an appraising look. This could work, as long as this side of Gollum wasn't unbearable.

"Ok, I need to know what you are like. We haven't talked all that much, and I need to know what kind of relationship I'd be getting into."

Evil gollum grinned toothily.

"He is mean." Gollum pouted.

"Nobody asked, you." evil gollum hissed.

"Could you two not fight so much, please?"

"But he's trying to put the moves on you!" Gollum whimpered.

"Arghh." Dobby started hitting his head on the table he was sitting at.

"What's he doing?" Gollum asked evil gollum.

"Hmm... this has possibilities" evil gollum said to himself. "Do you do that alot, Doby?"

Dobby sighed. "I used to punish myself all the time, when I served the Malfoy family, if I did something wrong. But now, I just do it when I get frustrated."

"What do you do now that you don't serve them anymore?" Gollum asked. "Do you miss them?"

"I do miss having a family, even one as terrible as that one." he sniffled. "Now I have no real purpose in life, and I am all alone."

"You could live with us" said evil gollum. "I'm not as bad as Gollum thinks I am."

"But you torture things! You're MEAN!" Gollum glared, as his chest puffed indignantly.

Evil gollum sighed in exasperation. "See? I can't talk to him, he's unreasonable!"

Dobby's ears drooped. He watched the change that came over Gollum's face as he switched selves. At least he could tell the difference between them now. He never was a good judge of Lucius Malfoy, which often resulted in more punishments, or a swift kick in the back.

"Ok, ok. So here's my thing." evil gollum said "I like to be in charge. I occasionally get violent, but not that often. I am more the verbal abuse sort, but usually just to Gollum here. He's just miffed that he isn't as smart, or suave as I am."

"...he's mean." Gollum whispered to Dobby.

"He's also very childish." evil gollum added. "But anyway, back to the point. You could stay here with us, be our house elf, let me tell you what to do and stuff. I'm sure we'd be better than those Malfoy people. And, since you don't seem to mind my lesser half, he can keep you company while I'm not around."

Gollum nodded, in obvious agreement with evil gollum's proposal. He looked at Doby with shining eyes. "Please say yes, Dobby!"

Dobby shrugged. It wasn't a match made in heaven, but he supposed he could've done much worse.

finis

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A/N:

Congratulations! If you are still with me, I want to thank you for making it through the fic!!

Ok, I realize this was a VERY twisted plot bunny that I had, but I still thought it was funny.

Gimmie some feedback, and let me know what you thought. (A quick blurb would be just fine!)