Fan Fiction ❯ A Trip in Leggie's Shoes ❯ The Mines of Bore-ia ( Chapter 10 )

Author's Note: (shifts eyes….sneaks into fanfiction.net….maybe they won't notice…) (gets stabbed by about 500 readers) AHHHH! I'm SO sorry to you all! (No you're not!) Well okay then (grabs that one flamer around the neck) You didn't even have constructive criticism! Keep your word to yourself! Fucker. AH HA HA HA HA HA! I'M BACK!

I really shouldn't be writing this in a sever thunderstorm. There's lightening everywhere and the power's just DYING to go out.

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As I sauntered into Moria, I realized how much time I had bought the Fellowship. I was a stud.

"Soon master elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves!" said Gimli smugly. As he kept babbling I shut him out. He was so mistaken.

"This is no mine….it's a tomb!" Boromir cried out the late-breaking bulletin. Yeah, I think it was pretty apparent when we walked in about two minutes ago.

Gimli wailed in remorse. "No! NOOOO!"

"Goblins…." I said lazily, without bending to examine the arrow in the skeletons. The fellowship began to back up with their weapons drawn as I watched them impatiently.

We would have sat outside the gates for at least two hours or more pondering over the password if it hadn't been for me, which would mean there would have been no time for the hobbits to throw rocks in the water, which would mean no watcher in the wat-

"AHHH!" Frodo cried. A heavy shifting of water sounded. A tentacle pulled Frodo up into the air as the hobbits ran to save him. Aragorn and Boromir rushed out as well.

Damn, I thought, how could this have happened? More of that weird movie magic, I suppose. No matter what you do the main scenes would be virtually the same. I sighed. No matter what I did to help, we'd still have to go through all this disastrous crap. Heh, well at least it was fun listening to Frodo scream like a dying gopher….

"LEGOLAS! HELP, DAMN YOU! HIT IT IN THE EYE!" cried Aragorn as he chopped up the tentacles in order to release the struggling captive.

"Oh, what?" I said jerking out of my thoughts. "Right, right…" I quickly drew an arrow as if it was the five-hundredth arrow I was firing and let it fly right into the pupil of the watcher. It roared and shrank back, while destroying the gates. We all fled back into Moria as the doors came crashing down upon us.

"It's as I feared," sighed Gandalf. "We must now face the long dark of Moria." He drew his lighted staff forward and began to ascend the steps of the entrance hall. We followed him in a line, like little school kids following their cranky teacher.

*****

We came to a little flat space in the rocky paths where we could stop for a time, and that was when the breathing started.

"HHHHHHHUUUUUHHHHHHAAAAAA HHHHHHUUUUHHHHAAA"

So magnified were the noises in the caverns, echoing softly. The hobbits stirred fearfully. Closer and closer the noise came to Frodo. Frodo realized how near the creature was and let out a yelp. He ran to Aragorn's side. Aragorn woke up and sighed.

Gandalf stirred and turned over. "Stop bothering the hobbits, Legolas…."

"What?" I said innocently popping up from behind a rock right beside the hobbit's bedding. "I didn't do anything!" I said reverting my voice to the cutesy tone you might hear used by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Aragorn looked confused by the odd tone I used coming from a full grown elf, then turned over as well to sleep. Frodo crawled back to his bed, giving me a hard shove revengefully before he curled up. "Heh heh heh…." I laughed menacingly so only he could hear.

"Go away…" he said, sounding very Elijah-like.

But I could sleep. I sat there in the lotus position on top of my rock, looking out into the caverns almost suspiciously. I thought over many things…but then a sudden realization came to me. "Noooooooo!" I almost yelled, but still it echoed unsettlingly against the cavern.

A few of the fellowship stirred, but Aragorn rushed over and covered my already silent mouth. I shifted my eyes over and gave him a piercing glare, but a hint of guilt shown through. He looked back with his stern eyes.

"What are you doing!? You're going to give away our position!" he hissed, then listened intently. Both of us sat in a frozen silence, darting our eyes around looking for any sign of disturbance I might have caused. His hand still lay over my mouth, and for a second or two I considered biting it, but then I thought better of it.

He slowly drew his hand away and relaxed next to me. "What were you yelling about anyway?" he whispered annoyedly.

A sudden rage flared up in my eyes. "Something I should have done. It's too late now. I'll never be able to fix it. I'll never get the chance to do it again. Oh, Aragorn! It's just awful!" I said, over exaggerating but still quite mad at my mistake. I gripped Aragorn's shoulder and looked him right in the eyes. "I forgot to even look at Figwit!"

*******

Eventually we made it into the grand Dwarven hall, and Gimli ran off like a gopher to the chamber with Balin's tomb. But let me tell you something, traveling with eight other guys, for nearly four days straight, in the dark, with not even enough light to look in a mirror, no stimulation, and poor living conditions is hell. When there isn't even any scenery, then it gets pretty bad. It's already bad enough not being able to talk to anyone about sexy anime bishies or hot ways to have sex. I mean really. So Legolas just went around all through the marching hours singing Weezer softly to Merry and Pippin, who were utterly confused by mordern terms like "you shred the cello, and I'm jello, baby." Ah, well.

Anyway, there we were in that accursed room. Gimli was wailing like a lost bear and Gandalf was reading the account of the doomed dwarves from long ago. I sat there next to Aragorn, wondering if the stench came from all the dead dwarves' corpses or him. I wasn't sure which was dirtier, anyway. I didn't even bother with the "we most move on, we cannot linger" line. What was the point? As if saying that ever did anything for the script except give us a few moments of beauty to live off of before the next shot of Legolas came on.

Cue Pippin knocking the skeleton down the wall. Ka-bam. Aragorn let out a defeated sigh. I could have slipped in a crude comment about being screwed, but hey, I didn't want to pick on Pippin, he was my little buddy, and one of two friends I really had out there.

We heard the sounds of scores of orcs raising up their battle cries, weapons clashing in the passages and odd barking sounds of excitement. And for an instant a pang of fear swept my heart, not unlike one who feels enormous stage fright while waiting behind the red curtain. If my legs hadn't been locked, I might have made a mad dash for the hiding place under Gandalf's dress. Instead, I helped Aragorn and Boromir bar the doors with spears in order to delay the coming onslaught.

We drew back around the tomb, Aragorn and I with our bows drawn and ready. The door began to splinter as and orc's axe came through the wood. Once the hole became large enough, I sent an arrow flying through and heard a little orc-screech. "Heh! Fucker!" I said proudly, knowing I had felled my first bitch.

A few arrows later, the barred door gave way to the cave troll. With a yipe I jumped back, barely able to send another arrow into his shoulder, only delaying him for a moment as he stopped to rip it out of his hide. I turned my attention to the other crappers running around, felling them as best I could.

My shoulders began to hurt after a while, all the reaching for the arrows and drawing them. I saved Gimli's butt when I sent a double arrow attack to the troll, knocking him out of the way before the dwarf got smashed to pieces. Then I took my knives out and hacked at the faces of my rivals on the upper level of the room. Don't ask me how I got to the top of the wall up there, I guess I just fought my way up. But then the troll noticed me, and began slinging his chain around like a whip as if he were my bloody dominatrix. I flipped my hair and stomped my foot on the chain as it slinked around a pillar, and clambered up the chain just like I had seen in the movie. For how narrow a place it is to walk up, my slender body made short work of the trip from the wall to the bastard's neck. I shot an arrow into his head and jumped off, almost losing my balance in the process.

After a cleaning up the last orcs out there on the floor, I heard Frodo's constipated cries as the rod was rammed against his body. I didn't even look up, though I snorted out a laugh. The little hobbit always over-dramatized things, that he did. But I couldn't stop yet, I still had to shoot the darn arrow through the troll's mouth. Pippin and Merry were soon atop the troll's head, trying to attack it, and I waited until the monster reared up its ugly head. One of the hobbits fell, and I let fly an arrow that pierced straight through the troll's mouth and the back of its head. The troll flailed about a bit, and then fell like a sack of lead.

The task had been surprisingly easy. Just follow Legolas's lead, and it was purely mechanical. Almost as if I wasn't really in control, more like some strange Elvish instinct taking over and delivering me through battle. It was like cross country practice, when you really don't want to do it before you do it and when it's done, you think, that wasn't so bad. I found it a bit odd though, that I was almost watching myself do the actions then willing myself to do all these things.

The others ran to inspect Frodo. I yawned. Always the center of attention he was. Gandalf sighed with relief, but then the shouts of those damned orcs rose up again. The old wizard yelled for us to make a run for the bridge. As we flew out of the tomb chamber, I began to happily hum the Bridge of Khazad-Dum theme to myself. It had always been one of my favorite pieces on the soundtrack. Aragorn gave me a weird look.

"Odd time to be singing, now isn't it!?" he shouted over the din of the orcs pursuing us, in a sarcastic tone which I very much admired.

We stopped as we were surrounded in a tight circle by the orcs, all cheering and shouting because they thought they had found themselves some victims. I wasn't at all worried, I knew I was going to make out of this alive. Instead of drawing my bow, I barked loudly at an orc that started to inch too closely to me.

Then we heard the Balrog. Sounding much like the garbage truck that always came at the most inconvenient times of the morning. We sat there taking in the noise as the orcs fled up the pillars. Then I shouted, "Ai! Ai! A balrog is come!" I cried happily. Poor Legolas never got to say that in the movie!

We flew once again towards the bridge. Coming to the stairs that led down, I had to save Boromir as he stumbled on a broken ledge. Down more flights we fled, then came to the famous piece of broken stairway. I jumped across, displaying my wonderful Elven grace and called for Gandalf as I spun around once I landed. Legolas at least got to go off before the dang thing went haywire. The orcs across the way shot arrows at me.

"DAMN YOU!" I cried and started shooting at the little bastards. How dare they make once last attempt to take my life. Once again I saved Gimli, grabbing his beard as he dismally jumped across. Then it came to just Frodo and Aragorn, far above our heads as they had to climb back quite a few steps when the stairway crumbled away. Thankfully the Balrog was still heading for us, its thunderous steps sending rocks from the ceiling down to break the stairway. Frodo and Aragorn were now trapped on the island of a few steps, and began to sway around. The stairs came crashing towards the rest of our Fellowship, and I caught Aragorn as he fell almost on top of me. I couldn't wait for that man to take a bath, let me tell you.

And once AGAIN, we fled off to the bridge, the balrog in hot pursuit. No pun intended. The heat started to get unbearable, and I broke into a sweat as I felt the fires at my back. Suddenly the balrog drew itself forward and came into view, I turned quickly to see it roar its steamy breath into poor Gandalf's face. Then over the bridge we went. I spun around when I was across, to see Gandalf in the middle of the bridge.

He started his little "you cannot pass" routine, you know the drill, and I have to admit it seemed quite amazing, seeing him suddenly illuminated by the pale blue-white light. I felt sorry for the poor guy. But then the bridge was breaking, and as the Balrog fell Gandalf was ensnared by the demon's whip. Frodo lunged forward, only to be pulled back by Boromir.

"Fly you fools!" Gandalf said helplessly, and let go.

"Alright! See you later!" I shouted to him. I received a stern look from Boromir.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Frodo the chipmunk, struggling to get out of Boromir's grasp. What was he gonna do, jump into the ravine after the old wizard?

We dashed out of Moria just as the orcs started up their arrows once more. I ran out into the light, glad to feel the lovely sunlight on my face. The air was so much fresher I could have cried out of joy. We went a little way down the rocks, and then the hobbits collapsed in grief.

Okay, I really didn't feel the need to be sad. He was coming back, wasn't he? And hey, I was out of Moria. And I knew who was coming up very shortly.

I walked over to Aragorn, who was wiping his sword and contemplating his next task. I put my hand to the side of my mouth as if I was whispering and said to him, "You know, I hate to break the ice here but we need to get to Lothlorien. Haldir's waiting…" I tired my best to contain my sheer excitement.

He nodded his consent, but then stopped. "It is odd that you do not even show the least bit of grief…."

"Aragorn, he'll be back. For serious," I said like some ditz who was comforting a girl who had just broken up with her boyfriend. I smiled a little.

"You're very strange," he said and went away to call for Frodo, but as his words came out I knew he hadn't even heard what he himself had said. He was thinking about his new responsibility and his own grief.

Luckily, Mr. Wonderful already knew everything. I'm talking about me, by the way. "Okay, boys! Let's go!" I said like a camp counselor to his campers. I received three dirty looks from Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir. The hobbits frowned through their tears. "What, was it something I said?"