Fan Fiction ❯ Ain't Life Grand ❯ Ain't Life Grand? ( Chapter 1 )

Once upon a time in a far away place that wasn't really all that far away to begin with, lived a handsome-except-for-his-acne- scars, prince.

 

Well, as it turns out, this prince was actually a princess with a small mole on the left side of her upper lip that everyone told her was a beauty mark, but that's besides the point!

Moving forward….

 

The princess lived in a magical, celestial palace on the very tip top of a sunshine bathed mountain, only it wasn't really a palace…. It was actually an abandoned, green and yellow striped trailer that smelt funky on those summery type days when it's a bit too warm for a sweater and jeans, but still cool enough to keep you feet in your shoes at the beach.

 

So, like I was saying, this Princess, she always wore the latest in the worlds fashions. Everything from parkas of the Antarctic to backless, frontless shirts all the way from Zaire, I mean she had it all. Well, when you are the sole teenage luminary of the worlds magical and moon-beamical affairs, what else is there for you? It's not like those sorts of things really come up a lot in our modern day societies and democracies and she has to have something to occupy her time with right?

Actually, come to think of it…There isn't any reference to that sort of thing in the world today, so …why is this little bitch so highly paid huh?

Hey, let me tell you something! I want to live in a fucking castle on the top of a mountain and get paid a million dollars an hour to be the sole consultant to the pope and George Bush on how to properly care for their fucking cotton candy bushes and uni-serpents!

Kid's today I'm telling you…

 

Anyway, back to what I was saying about that little ….er, that princesses clothing. Man she had it all! Only… it wasn't really fashionable stuff she was wearing….It was more like she wore the stuff she could filch from the neighbors good will bags. In all actuality, there wasn't really anything wrong with it, except for maybe a few holes, as tight fit around this or that and a funny smell here or there. What do you people care what she wore anyway? That fact it totally irrelevant to the overall plot of the story. I mean, whoever heard of a story that was solely about what the main characters wore? Are you fucking retarded? God! Let me finish my damn story and keep your over the top, Brittany Spears, Pop Cultured ideals of what a good story is or isn't about To. Your. Self! Thank you!

 

Well…now what was I writing about….Oh yah! So you see, this princess had a pet unicorn that lived with her in her palace. It was a real marvel among her vast collection of animals and was definitely her favorite. You see this thing could not only fly and tap dance, but it could breath fire, or water, or ice or even minty-fresh, just tooth-pasted breath if you asked him really nicely. I mean this horse was the shit! But it wasn't really…. See, it was actually a cat with half an ear, three legs, no tail and no eyes named Lucky. He may have been missing a few toes as well, but I really can't remember everything, now can I?

 

Now, we're not exactly sure where the princess happened to have acquired Lucky from…or whether or not he could really be classified as a feline, but let's just say it wasn't from a pet store that's for sure.

In any case, Lucky was the Princesses best friend in her trailer house and would hobble inside in all his three legged, no tailed glory and happily share a can of cat food with the Princess for breakfast, lunch and supper.

 

You see, Cat food was real cheap at the store downtown and so that was what the Princess decided she and Lucky needed to eat in order to survive. That way she only had to turn a trick or two every other night in order to pay for it and still have enough leftover money to pay for her deodorant stick and moist towelettes. Hey, not everyone can afford such luxuries as water! Give the girl a break already, she eats canned cat food for god sakes! What the hell if wrong with you people?

 

………………..Anywho……& #8230;um…..oh yah! What I forgot to tell you, was that once, the Princess got called away from her mountain top palace to go and tend to a very sick animatronic griffin at Disney World. She was so worried, she flew on her magical, tooth-paste-breath breathing unicorn and went to see what she could do to help the poor beast….In theory anyway.

You see, what actually happened is the Princess was found living in her trailer home, eating cat food with Lucky and his new friend Spunko, who was also missing various vital parts of his anatomy, and was taken away by Social Services and the Fuzz. It seems they didn't want her living where and eating what she had been. Supposedly, cat food isn't all that good for you. Who knew?

 

So…the Princess got taken away somewhere, I'm not exactly sure where she ended up, You've got to leave some things to the imagination, this is a fairy tale after all…. And, then the animal control unit had to come take care of Lucky and his not-so-lucky, former-friend-turned-meal, Spunko. It seems that, without the cat food he was used to eating, Lucky got rather hungry …rather quickly, and he decided that Spunko was just the meal supplement he was looking for. He soon turned on all the cats in the trailer park and was eventually brought down with three extra strength bug bombs and a pair fully automatic tranquilizer guns. All handled by trained professionals of course.

 

 

All in all, this story is cracked out, just like half the people in the town where I had the audacity to write this. For all that you and every other person knows, there really is a “Princess” out there, somewhere, living exactly as I have described here.

Isn't life grand?