Fan Fiction ❯ All You Could Never Have ❯ All You Could Never Have ( Chapter 1 )

Rei: Hiya! This is the edited version of All You Could Never Have. ^^ I realized I'd made a lot of spelling and sense errors in the previous one. Most of the editing was done in chemistry class, and had to be done quickly for fear of Ms. Ottey noticing I hadn't heard a word she just said.

Disclaimer: There is none! I own everything here! I do have to say, my dear friend Reka did help out a lot with coming up with the characters, and with this idea. Doumo arigato, Reka-chan! You're the best! Thanks also to Rura. ^^ While she didn't help much with this story, she's helped me out with the upcoming sequel quite a lot.

"Mr. Quiril?"

I'm sooo happy! I get to see my kitty cat tomorrow!! Oh…should I be calling him that? My kitty cat? I guess I can, he is mine…I just love him so much!

"Mr. Quiril!"

He's so pretty; especially when he takes his glasses off…maybe I can get him to do that. Maybe I can get him to take off a lot more then that. Well, probably not…but a guy can dream…

"Mr. Quiril, I'm only going to say this one more time!"

Rue bolted out of the cloudbank of love, and blinked at his teacher. "What?"

"Rue…do you remember why I called you to my office?"

"Um…yes…it was to discuss my grades, is that right, Mrs. Tamima?"
"Yes, that's it. They're pretty bad, you know," she sighed, tightening her wrinkled mouth.

"I know…I'm sorry, I can't help it. I mean, how am I supposed to understand stuff I wasn't even in for?"

"That's just the problem. You have way too many absences! Look at this!" She produced a sheaf of papers. "These are your absence notes so far this year. They cover about half of your absences, and there are twenty of them already! And for most of them you were out more then one day!"

"I'm sorry, I get sick a lot. I can't help it," he said, picking at a bit of gum under the desk.

"You keep saying that, but I think you can. If you can't come to school, then get the notes from someone! If you did that, you wouldn't be doing to poorly."

"Mrs. Tamima…" Rue started, but the teacher broke him off.

"The next time you're absent, you had better do that. And I don't want you to stay home unless absolutely necessary, do you hear me?" Mrs. Tamima said. A strange passion was suddenly present in her voice.

"I hear you," he sighed, defeated.

"Good. Anyway, your last test score was 29, which is atrocious. You have to fix that. If you need tutoring, I know some people who could help."

"That might be good. Biology is pretty hard. Now, I need to be getting home. My little sister is waiting for me."

"Okay. Just remember what I said." Mrs. Tamima said, getting up. "I'd better go too. I have to pick up my daughter from daycare."

"Alright. Bye." Rue waved to her, and walked silently out the door. He looked around and gulped. A whisper of fear had entered his mind, and with good reason. Now that he was out of the classrooms protection, anyone could come after him. Until he got to Brei, he wasn't safe. Anyone could come hurt him, beat him, rape him, kill him, anything they wanted. Until he got to Brei, anything could happen.

He broke into a run, and tore out of the building. He got outside, and stopped, gasping and fighting for breath. When he could breathe properly again, he saw his sister standing there, brown eyes flashing a mix of annoyance and concern.

"Are you okay?" she asked disdainfully.

"Yeah, fine. Just…tired from running, that's all." And he was fine. Now that he could take in the air again, everything seemed hallucinatorily wonderful. He felt drugged.

"What were you running for?" Brei asked.
Rue was silent. Now that he was with Brei, the fears from before seemed stupid. No one was going to hurt him now. Not with Brei around.

"You shouldn't do it," she said. "You'll hurt yourself."

"I like it," he lied. He hated to run, he hated how he couldn't breathe after, how tired he got. And most of all he hated that he couldn't do it. Not well anyway, not like any normal person could, not like Kit could. Kit could run. Kit was fast, strong, beautiful.

Not like Rue. Not like Rue at all.

"Sure…" Brei rolled her eyes. "Come on, let's go home."

"Mom! We're back!" Brei called as they walked in, flinging her orange sweater onto the ground. Rue neatly hung his blue one on the coat hook.

"Hi." Their mother, a tall exotic woman with the unusual name of Orai walked into the hall, breathing deeply the smoke of her cigarette. "How was school?"

"It was good," Brei said, her voice beginning to perk up. "Me and Takako found a couple slugs and slipped `em down Kiki Mendelson's panties." She smirked. "That was fun."

"Nice!" Orai smiled, and gave Brei a high five. "I hate that girl and I hate her fucking mother, but go easier next time, she's got a father who could kick your ass in a minute."

"I know, I just couldn't resist," she giggled. "It was so funny, how she looked when she felt the slugs. I shoulda took a picture."

"I bet it was. Rue, what about you, how was your day?" Orai asked, as she stubbed out her cigarette, lighting another one quickly after that.

"Um…it was…" Rue trailed off, wondering if he should bring up Mrs. Tamima's lecture. He decided not to mention it. "Just a day."

"You're doing that thing tomorrow, right? What is it again?"
"Go…going to the park." This wasn't a lie; he was going to the park. He just left out the little bitty fact that Kit was coming too. That was the only important part, and the only part his mother might worry about. The key word being might. She didn't usually care about much, but sometimes she decided to act like a real mother, and then she got annoying.

"Umm…are you sure it's a good idea to go alone? If you get sick there wont be anyone to help you."

"I…I…I'm going with a friend from school. His name is Jakob." This was a lie, he knew it and felt bad, but he kept it up.

"Oh? You have a friend?" Orai smirked. "Well this is a first. Have a good time."

"Thanks," Rue sighed, happy not to be questioned further.

"Have you guys got homework?" Orai inquired.

Brei nodded and Rue shook his head. By some miracle, he had none at all. "Okay, Brei…" Their mother said. "Get to it. Rue, got ahead and do…something. I'm gonna go sleep, I've got the night shift at work and they'll fire me if I fall asleep at the register again." She laughed, as if this were somehow funny.

"Alright, have a good nap," Rue said softly, and walked to his room.

After looking through all his photo albums, Kit realized he didn't have nearly enough pictures of Rue. He only had two, and only one where he looked happy. In the other he had a scared look, a ghost look. Kit didn't like it, but he kept the photo anyway.

Most of his other pictures were of Yuka. He hated to admit this, even to himself, but he thought about her more then he did about Rue, even more then he did about himself. Despite the fact that he hadn't talked to her in over a year, never mind the fact that she was a celebrity now, and he heard more about her life from the radio then from her own mouth, he still thought of her constantly. She'd been his friend, but Yuka had just made him crazy. Now that he never saw her, he thought about her more.

The last time he kissed Rue he'd thought about her, and then he'd had to punish himself somehow, had to hurt himself for thinking about Yuka when he should have been thinking about Rue. He thought about her now when he was to see Rue the next day.

So he found a nice clean knife and made a nice clean slice, and felt the painful punishment and rejoiced. He was purging himself of Yuka, of the bad crazy thought he didn't need.

He let the blood dry, and put the knife away. Another time, he promised, another day. He didn't want to hurt now.

Pwick!

Pwing!

Pching!

Pwick!

Someone was throwing pebbles at the window. Rue looked out, nervous that the glass would break. But he didn't care anymore when he saw Kit, standing there and looking sick. He realized suddenly that it was morning, picnic time. He'd fallen asleep, but he hadn't realized it, hadn't even known he was tired. But he didn't worry. Lapses of consciousness were something he was used to.

"Kit! Get out of here, what if my mom comes out?" Rue shouted in a happy voice.

"Isn't she working?" Kit smiled playfully, looking too happy. It was fake, but Rue pretended not to notice.

"Yeah, but she'll be back any second!"

"So get on down here and hurry! I've got the food in my car already, and I've got a little surprise for you!"

"Just a sec! I have to get dressed!" He was still fully clothed from the night before, but for Kit, he wanted to look special.

"'Kay!" Kit called, and two minutes later he was in Rue's room, just as he was taking off his shirt. "Nice, nice. Now take off the pants."

Rue blushed furiously. "Go away. I'm trying to change."

"I know. I'm just watching."

"I don't want you to…it's scary. You have to get out anyway, someone might see you."

"Sounds like someone's ashamed of me." Kit said coolly. "If someone else wasn't so desperately in love, he might be a little insulted."

Rue blushed harder.

Kit reached out and slapped his back, leaving a red mark that would last a while. "Eh, don't worry kid, I'll go. I'll be in the car."

"Oh…oh…okay."

"Great." Kit strolled off, and walked to the car. He sat down on the dingy seat and turned on the radio.

For you, the devils fly

For you, the angels die

For you, I am yours

Kiss me, kill me

Rape me, I am yours…

"Yours…" Kit whispered. That song was by Yuka Tohru. It was sad, submissive. Not like Yuka at all, but maybe she'd changed.

Kit stared down at his cell phone, which had been sitting next to him, cheerily displaying text messages he ignored. He could call Yuka no, that is if she still had the same number. He'd gone all this time without talking to her, why shouldn't he now? Rue would be a while, anyway.

Hesitantly, he dialed the number.

Ring…ring…ring… "Hello?" said a voice that was more tired then sexy, more girly then lovely. Yuka.

"Hi, Yuka. Remember me? This is Kit," he said, breath hitching and dick quivering. Despite what he wanted to believe, she was still sexually attractive to him. Even her voice was intoxicating.
"Oh!" she brightened. "Hey! How've you been? I haven't seen you in ages!"

"I've been alright. You?"

"Okay…I got out another album. I'm sure you heard of it…its called The Dead Queen. Its not that good though."

"I bought it, it's amazing. Hey, Yuka, you wanna do something sometime? You know go out to dinner or-"

"No, I don't think so." Yuka interrupted. "I've been super busy, I'm starting another record. Also I've got this kid to take care of. And then theres my boyfriend, he wouldn't like it much. So its not such a good idea."
"C'mon Yuka, I'm your best friend, remember?" Best friend, right. A best friend would've told him she had a kid or a boyfriend. A best friend wouldn't have ignored him for a year.

"Well…" Yuka said, sensing the scathing undertone in Kit's voice. "I don't know, maybe."

"Please?"

"Okay-" Kit pushed the end button, cutting her off. He stuffed the phone under the seat.

"H-hi Rue!" he said, as Rue had suddenly appeared by the car.

"Hi, Kit! Are we going? Who were you talking to?" Rue asked.

"Just a sec. Lemme give you your surprise first." He won't remember after I do this. He won't ask about the phone call.

Kit gently placed rough hands on Rue's small face. He brought his lips towards his, and pressed lightly, kissing him and hoping he liked it.

When he stopped, Rue was blushing again, but this time he was also smiling. "Kit…do that again? Please?"

So Kit did it again. This time Rue kissed back, didn't just stand there gaping.

"Again?" he asked in a happy, breathless voice.

"I hate to say no, but we should get going. Later…if you want, you can have even more."

"What do you mean by more?"

"There are a lot of things that I can give you, you just have to tell me what it is your want."

Rue smiled hard, and got into the car. He fastened his seatbelt, only to undo it seconds later. Kit noted the tic with mild disgust. "So which park are we going to anyway?" Rue said.

"Umm…I guess either Xinmei Park, or Kotomori Park, whichever you want."

"I'd say Kotomori, its better for picnics."

"Yeah, you're right." Kit started the car, and they drove west. He saw that the radio was still on, but the song had changed.

Come on bitch,

Lemme stick it in you

Lemme fuck you up your ass.

Click. Kit turned off the radio. "I hate this rap shit, don't you Rue?"

"Um, yeah, I guess its pretty bad."

"I'm gonna show you some real music, okay? I've got this CD, its really good."

He put a CD into the cars player. The Dead Queen, Yuka Tohru.

"Oh, I've heard some stuff by her," Rue commented, picking up the CD case. "I don't think she's very good…the lyrics scare me, and she can't sing."

"You don't know what you're talking about. She's amazing. I know her, you know." Why had he said that? Such an idiotic thing to do, to hint at it. Why even play the CD for him? He couldn't appreciate it, he was too young. He didn't know anything.

"You do? Is she nice?"

"Yeah. She's kind of high strung, but she's sweet." As he said this he took Rue's hand, and bent his fingers in painful ways. "You're sweet.

"Thanks," Rue said tersely, fidgeting in pain. "Let's hear the CD. Maybe its better then I remember. I haven't heard the new one. Is this it?"

"Yeah, it is. You'll like it, I swear." Kit let his hand go, relishing the red. He did not ask him if it hurt.

"Okay…"

Kit pushed the play button, and music filled the car.

Trapped beneath you, I writhe

Lick my blood away…

Take some more, keep it in a jar

To feast another day…

"That ones called Vampire. It's one of my favorites." Kit said, as the music continued.

"I don't really like it," Rue whined, wondering what in god's name was wrong with him that he'd argue with Kit so. Arguments meant pain, they always did with Kit, so why was he risking it?

But all Kit said was; "You're crazy."

"Can we listen to something else?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I want to listen to Yuka."

They didn't speak anymore, both of them retreated to their thoughts, Kit tuning out of the real world, and into his obsession. His only thoughts were of Yuka.

"I'm going to be a singer." She'd always said that, always so sure of herself, never doubting.

"Good luck," Kit had laughed. "You can't sing for shit."

"Yes I can," she'd said simply.

"So sing."

"Why should I prove myself to you? You'll see when I'm famous."

"Sure…you just keep on thinking that Yuka."

"Why do you have to be so stupid? You don't have any dreams of your own, so you have to crush mine? I don't know why I'm friends with you at all. You're just going to bring me down."

"Bring you down? You're not up in the first place." Kit couldn't remember why he'd refused to support her. All he remembered now was that he felt bad. He'd been wrong, Yuka had done it after all…he hadn't been able to stop her from rising up and leaving him alone.

Now he had Rue. Rue was what mattered. The little fifteen-year-old child who didn't know good music, didn't know how to kiss, didn't know how to fuck. That was what mattered, but why? He loved Rue, this much he knew, but he didn't know why. And then there was Yuka, his obsession. She had changed so much, and he wanted to know how she changed, wanted to know everything about her, enter her life, suck her dry and then leave, so he could focus on Rue.

"Kit…" Rue said, trying to purr. He sounded tired and Kit wondered if he'd been asleep. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Do you want me to give you a blowjob?" he asked, in a happy-sleepy voice that didn't seem serious, didn't seem real. "I'm not very good at it, but I want to practice for you…"

"Not now, I'm driving," Kit snapped. He didn't want that now, he didn't want Rue making him feel good. Rue would be the one to feel pleasure if they were to have sex at all. Rue would take the pain too; leaving Kit bereft of feeling.

"Alright," Rue sighed. "It just seems like you want …let me know if you do."

"Later okay? Or better yet, I'll give you one," he said, whizzing past a stop sign.

"Whatever makes you happy. I just want you to be happy, you know that right?"

"I know."

"Good," he lied. Nothing was `good' right now. He'd seen the look in Kit's eye. When he disagreed about the music, Kit had gone off in his own world, forgetting Rue, ignoring him. Why had that been so important? It was just music, just a song…and yet it seemed to mean the world to him.

Rue sighed. I want to make you love me…you say you do…but you're thinking about something else. I can offer you myself to keep your love. But…you don't seem to want that either. Could it be I have nothing to give you? Could it be…that I am worthless to you?

No…I don't want that to be. I don't want to let it…but what can I do?

He must've cried, because the car was stopped, and Kit was licking tears off his face. "Tastes good…"

"Kit…" Rue mumbled sleepily, hearing the thickness of despair in his own voice.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing that. I'm in an odd mood right now."

"I'm fine. Just…"

"Just what?"

"Nothing…I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep now, okay? Wake me when we get there." Rue shut his eyes and pretended to fall asleep.

You're too cute for words, Rue. Kit thought. I wish I knew what to do with you.

Kit slammed the car into a parking space, jostling Rue awake. (He'd actually fallen asleep while he'd been faking.)

"Oh, good morning…" Rue said sleepily, and stretched. "Are we there?"

"Yes, this is Xinmei." Kit's voice was strangely cold as he said this.

"I thought we were going to Kotomori," Rue said, playing with the seatbelt again. Kit put his hand on the area, undoing the belt for him and moving it away.

"I thought this would be better. It's less crowded, and it's closer."

"Okay. Well, let's get going."

"Right." They both stepped out of the car. "Help me unpack the food, okay?"

"Sure." Rue stupidly went for the heaviest item, the cooler. He fell over almost immediately after lifting it.

"Too heavy for you? It's all right, I'll get it." Kit said, helping him up and taking the cooler.

"Yeah…um…sorry," Rue said, looking at the ground.

"What for?" Kit looked at him quizzically, honestly not knowing what he was talking about.

"For being so weak and all…it must be annoying to you."

"Oh that? It's nothing. Take those sheets, okay? You can handle that, right?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good. Let's go then."

They walked toward the park area, and found a nice place by the hill. Rue started spreading out the sheets, as Kit unpacked their lunch.

"You're not weak, you know." Kit said suddenly, as he bent over to take out a container of food.

"Huh? Oh…yes I am…don't pretend…I know I am."

"No." Kit stood up and grabbed Rue's shoulders. They were fragile, his bones seemed hollow like a birds. Of course he was weak. But Rue couldn't believe that, or the thought would sap any strength he had. "You aren't."

"Whatever." Rue said, reluctant to pursue the thread of conversation. He knew he was right, he lacked in both physical strength and that of the character. He'd been told by a doctor that he was `weaker in all physical aspects then an ordinary human being.' He knew this already. He wasn't sure why he was this way, but it didn't matter.

What mattered was his mental weakness. Not to say he was stupid. He wasn't. His brain seemed to be the only part of him that wasn't abnormally weak.

By mental weakness, he meant that he could never argue with other people, could never stand up for himself or anyone else. He could disagree with people, sure, but if it looked even a little dangerous to do so, he immediately fled to the side he didn't believe in. He just let things happen, he rarely even ran away because it exhausted him.

That was the problem. That was where he was weak.

"I said you're not weak! Why don't you listen to me? I'm right."

"No…" It seemed odd that, now here he was, disagreeing, even though Kit looked angry. Trying to prove to himself he wasn't what he was saying he was.

"Yes. Rue, don't argue with me. You'll regret it." Yuka never agreed with me about anything. Don't be like Yuka. I don't want to think about Yuka, so don't remind me. Kit knew he was scaring poor Rue. He was sitting on the ground, hugging his knees. He even looked afraid. He could never hide these things. So he put his arms around Rue and hugged him.
"I'm sorry. Am I freaking you out?"

"No…it's okay." Rue said, tentatively hugging back. "That was a stupid argument anyway."

"You're right, it was. I was just trying to give you a compliment, that's all. I should've known you'd be polite and try to refuse it. That's just like you."

"No, no that's not it…"

"Shhh…don't talk about it anymore. I don't want to get into a fight over something so dumb, do you?"

"I guess not, no."

"Good. So anyway, are you hungry? I brought a lot of food."

"Yeah." Rue reached for the cooler and started taking things out. "Ooh, chicken. Yum. Oh!! Cookies!" Rue pulled out a package of chocolate chip cookies, which Kit had added at the last minute, knowing Rue liked them. "These are so good! Sorry, I didn't really bring food…"

"It's okay, I said I'd be bringing. We also have some salad and lemonade."

"Sounds great! Except I don't like lemonade much."

"It's alright, we have water too."

They spread out the food on the red-stained sheet. Some of the red was light, stains from juice. The rest was darker-bloodstains. Female blood, Yuka's blood. She'd slept on these sheets when she'd stayed over at Kit's house. Kit had been angry with her for staining his sheets. Her pad had leaked, she couldn't help it, but they'd gotten into an argument anyway, and he'd thrown her out. He never found out where she went after, but he hadn't cared until later. Yuka wouldn't talk to him for weeks, then only talked to accuse him of `flying off the handle for stupid things.'

Which he did. After the fight, he'd covered up that blood with blood from his arm. Vein blood. Pain blood. Punishment for making Yuka angry, for over-reacting so much.

He'd always had to punish himself. Because he always said things, did things he regretted, hurt others, hurt himself, and the pain was the only way to forget.

I won't scare Rue anymore, he silently vowed. I won't get angry for no reason.

Even with that promise flickering in his mind, he knew he couldn't keep it. He was going to get mad. It was going to be over something ridiculous. And he was going to hurt someone.

But he didn't want that to happen. The one he'd hurt would be Rue, and then Rue would bleed from the wound, from his eyes, and cry, tears mixing with precious red liquid. He'd ask, why, why, why did you do this to me, Kit, I thought you loved me…he would bleed forever, because Kit would cut forever, and then he'd die, and Kit would be alone.

"Kit…are you okay?" Rue said, eyes overflowing with concern and love. Not blood.

It didn't happen. I didn't kill him. I wont. I wont hurt him. Not like I hurt Yuka.

"Yuka…" Kit looked up at Rue, whispering this name that destroyed him.

"What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."

"Nothing. I didn't say anything. I'm okay."

"If you're sure…"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

"Good. Hey, so, how's work and everything going?" Rue hurriedly asked, picking up a cookie.

"It kind of sucks. This kid Ciper something-or-another, he keeps leaving dead animals and weird messages around the office. And everyone knows it's him, but no one does anything. The kid's a freak you know."

"Yeah." Rue nodded in agreement. "He beat me up a few times…"

"I know…umm…oh! That girl…your neighbor, Shizuka Maeda, is it? I heard she got pregnant."

"She did. The baby's due in July."

"Hmm," Kit said, not really thinking, just making sounds to seem like he was.

"Do you think you'll get that raise you talked to Mr. Ardine about?" Rue asked, sensing the conversation was dying off.

"Oh, no I don't think so. He's going through some drama with his wife, and he doesn't want to hear about my money needs."

"Too bad."

Their conversation lapsed into silence, as Kit's thoughts switched back to Yuka. Rue just stared, sad and longing, wondering what he should be reaching in his lovers mind. He nibbled at his cookie, though his appetite had gone with the conversation.

Kit stared back, but not at Rue's face. He was looking at his wrists. They were horribly thin, merely bone with skin stretched tight across them. It seemed amazing that they could support a hand. But it did, the hand seemed stronger, unknowing that it had no support. It could perform solo.

He grabbed the flimsy wrists, watching the blue veins bursting with weak blood. "Beautiful…" he murmured. Like Yuka… The thought just flickered there a moment, then faded. He was too enraptured in the unexpected loveliness he'd found in Rue.

"Kit." Rue's said, in a flat voice, as if he too were entranced. "What are you doing?"

"This is the best part of you Rue…these wrists, these hands…they're gorgeous."

"You really think that?" Rue's voice perked up, rising high as the sun. "What about the rest of me?" He was pushing it, he knew. Kit sometimes complimented him. Sometimes he said he loved him. But now was different. Kit was not in a good mood, not playful or happy like he sometimes was.

Kit looked up at him, glaring cruelly, darkness seeming to emit from his irises. Angered to be distracted from his pleasure, he shouted, "The rest of you is awful! I can't even stand to look at you!" He turned away abruptly, scratching Rue's wrist as he did.

Rue looked down at the scratch, and saw blood. He ignored it, used to much worse. And this had been an accident, though it had come from Kit, Kit who had never hurt him before…not when it hadn't been deserved anyway.

Kit who had now proclaimed he was hideous. He doesn't love me anymore… Rue thought, watching tears fall onto the scratch, and mingle with the blood. It stung. No, no crying. He looked over at Kit, who was breathing harshly, eyes closed.

This is how it started with Yuka…Kit's thoughts were angry, afraid. I hurt her by mistake, then I couldn't stop, and she never even realized it. Never even knew I was doing it on purpose. Then I went way too far. But she didn't know it was me, because I came in the dark with a scarf over my face. I cut her neck…oh God…I could've killed her…oh God…

"Kit?" Rue's voice had gone tiny, and he was shaking Kit's shoulder. "Are you okay? Kit?"

"Yes, yes I'm fine. Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to, really I didn't. It was an accident."

"It's fine." The tremor did not leave his voice.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's just a little scratch, see?" Rue held out his wounded wrist for Kit to inspect. Kit grabbed it lightly, and looked. It was just a scratch. If he could just control himself, it would stay that way.

"Kit…did you…mean that…what you said…that I'm…"

"No, of course not. You're beautiful." Kit said, and kissed him gently on the lips. "It's just…I have a hard time controlling myself sometimes…"

"Thank you. I think you're beautiful too." Rue grinned, eyes sparkling with minute-old tears suddenly turned to joy.

Is this really what you want? A new thought. Of course he wanted this, of course he wanted Kit. He loved him, and what could he possibly want other then love? But don't you want be loved too, all the time? Not just when he feels like it? Do you really want to wait for the sweet happiness and endure the miserable tension, the imagined hatred, and the fear?

Yes. If it will bind Kit to me, I will suffer through anything. As long as Kit loves me, I'm fine.

You can be so stupid sometimes.

After they ate, Rue thought they could go over to the lake, one of the nicest parts of Xinmei. Rue had gone there with his sister and mother when he was younger, about ten years old. Brei had been terribly afraid of ducks back then, and it Rue could protect her from them. It felt good, to be able to play his proper role of older brother. That never happened anymore, Brei was the one protecting him. But that was okay. He'd accepted his role as a weakling by now. Kit seemed to like him for it.

Kit liked the lake too. But not for any reason. It was just…beautiful. Not beautiful like Rue's wrists, it was not hypnotic. It was a calming beauty. When he looked at it, he did not worry about losing control.

So they went to the lake. Kit sat down on the damp rocks, absorbing the waters tranquility. Rue stood by the tide line, watching the ducks, the only creature he was a match for. It was depressing; that the only thing he stood a chance against was a small, aquatic bird. But Rue didn't think about that. He only smiled as he jumped at the ducks, scaring them into the sky.

He looks so happy…Kit thought. We haven't spoken since we got to the lake, and he's happy. I suppose he doesn't like to talk to me.

It's because I'm insane. No. He would not let himself think that, it wasn't true. .

He was not crazy. He had anger management problems. That was all. That's what that stupid psychologist said when he was eight years old and he tossed the cat out the window. It had scratched him, and he'd gotten mad.

I'm not crazy, I'm not, I'm not…

But he couldn't help thinking he was.

He looked over at Rue again. He was lying in the grass, breathing hard. Tired. But looking so happy. Without me…

"Rue." Kit stood up, and walked towards Rue. He lay down beside him, then rolled over to talk. "Hello!" He forced a grin, trying to sound like the version of himself Rue loved.

For a second, Rue looked terrified, eyes wide in fear. Then he brightened, and spoke. "Hi! This is fun, isn't it? I love this lake. It's so pretty."

"You're afraid of me, aren't you?" Kit growled. "I saw that look!" His anger was rising, he knew Rue was afraid, but he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was trying to be nice to him, trying to ease the fear. But he was still scared, still a mewling little bastard, who had no reason to be afraid!

Rue had squeezed his eyes shut now, not wanting to see this Kit. He felt cold hands on his neck, and tentatively opened his eyes. He didn't speak. Words might provoke him further.

But it was the silence that spurred him on. "I have done nothing to you! Why are you afraid? Answer me! ANSWER ME NOW" His grip tightened on Rue's neck, and he felt around for his knife.

"Kit, calm down. I'm not scared of you, really. I love-" Suddenly he couldn't speak anymore. Kit was squeezing too hard.

"Stop lying! Tell the goddamn truth! You're scared of me, you hate me!" Angry veins popped up in Kit's hands, as he twisted Rue's neck harder and harder. Rue didn't say anything, couldn't speak if he'd known what to say.

Kit didn't realize this, that the stranglehold he had on him was preventing him from answering. "You bastard, you think you can just ignore me? YOU CAN NOT IGNORE ME!"

He found his knife. He watched the brief glint of sunlight across the blade, then shoved it violently towards Rue's face. "Poor little Rue. So scared…I'll show you something to really be afraid of. I'm going to carve my name in your face, and every time you look in the mirror, you'll remember just how scary I am!"

He scratched out the K, plunging the knife into Rue's pale cheek. The blood gushed out, beautiful and red. "You have beautiful blood. I think it's even better then your wrists."

The I now. The blood was starting to lose its appeal, now that it was flowing freely down Rue's face, mixing with the tears that he cried. Kit carved the final T, tearing at Rue's right eye. This was both eyes destroyed now, the left from the end of the K. More blood. More tears. He'd ripped the tear ducts, they were pouring liquid.

What am I doing? He remembered his sick fantasy, his fear from before. It's happening. I'm doing exactly what I was so desperate to avoid. He took the knife away, brought his hands away from Rue's neck.

"Rue…I'm sorry…I don't know what happened. Are…are you okay…I mean…I, I didn't hurt you too badly, did I?" Kit stammered, trying not to feel the guilt and fear that was coming over him in waves.

A pathetic moaning sound escaped Rue's bloody mouth.

"No, no, you're not," he whispered, bringing Rue towards him. "Theres so much blood…"

"Sorry…" Rue mumbled. "I didn't mean to make you mad. I'm sorry…"

"I'm…I'm going to get you to the hospital. You're going to bleed to death if I don't. I'll help you, don't worry."

"No don't…you'll get blamed for it. But it's not your fault…"

"Not my fault? Rue, it was my hand that shoved the knife in your face! Who's fault is it if not mine?"

"It's my fault…I made you angry…"

"Don't say that! It's my fault because I'm crazy! You didn't do anything!"

It's because I'm insane. I have to think that now, because it's true.

Rue stared at him, eyes full of blood and pain. "Kit, I can't see anything. You cut my eyes. I changed my mind, you have to help me."

"Right. Of course. Can you walk? We need to get to my car, so I can bring you to the hospital."

"I can," Rue said as he pushed himself up, using Kit for support. Kit stood up quickly, and grabbed Rue's shaking arms.

"Forget it, you've lost too much blood. I'll carry you."

Rue didn't protest; he just let himself fall onto Kit.

"Why are you trusting me?" Kit asked as he lifted him up. He started walking away from the lake, toward the car. "What if I hurt you again? I might, you know. I'm crazy."

"What else can I do?" Rue asked, as if there really were no other solution. "I'm going to…rest now…okay?"

"No, don't. What if you don't wake up again?"

Rue said nothing. After a few moments of disturbing silence, they reached the car. Kit wrenched open the door, then lay Rue in the backseat. He awkwardly attached the seatbelts, the last thing they needed was a car accident.

"Don't die." He said, then disappeared into the front to start the car. He looked over at the CD player, wanting to hear Yuka's music. But he didn't. He knew it would feed his insanity, and he would hurt Rue again.

"Kit…it really hurts…" Rue whimpered. "Are we in the car? I can't see."

"Yes, we are. I'm going to get you to the emergency room, okay? I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry I betrayed you. I know you loved me. I love you too, I still do. But you can't possibly love me after this."

Rue didn't speak.

"We're here! Rue, wake up!"

He'd blacked out, he hadn't been sleeping. The pain was worse now, more intense. And he still couldn't see. That was the worst part. He couldn't see if Kit was feeling sorry or dangerous. All he had was the voice to go on, and the voice told nothing now.

He knew he was being carried, but he couldn't see where. Kit told him it was to the emergency room, but he couldn't be sure now. Maybe he was taking him somewhere to kill him. He couldn't see anymore, he couldn't know.

They entered a room, and Kit's pace increased. "Excuse me! This guy, he's been hurt badly, please get someone to help him!" He shouted, his voice anxious.

So he was worried. It would be okay. Kit was worried. He wasn't going to hurt him after all.

Suddenly Rue couldn't hear anymore. So he was fainting again…

"RUE! Don't die, please!" Kit shouted, shaking Rue's bird-like, bloody shoulder. Blood had fallen everywhere, turning everything red.

The receptionist looked terrified. "I'll get a doctor. I'll only be a minute." She ran out of her cocooned desk area, towards the telephone. "I'll call her."

"Okay." Kit noticed the others in the waiting room behind them. A few of them were glaring at him, angry that they had to wait and he didn't. Kit ignored them, focusing only on Rue. "Please wake up."

Rue was still. He didn't move or speak, and for a while it seemed he was dead.

The doctor came walking in calmly. How can she be so damn serene when Rue's dying? Kit thought angrily, even though he knew the woman saw much worse then this every day.

"Whats happened here?" Her voice was brisk as she posed this question.

"My…my Rue…he…I…"

"I'll take him in." She went to the telephone, calling in some nurses for assistance. They came with a gurney, then stood there, watching Kit with solemn eyes.

"What?" he asked, furious until he realized what they wanted. "Oh!" He let Rue go, laying him gently onto the gurney.

"Thank you," said one of the nurses. Her eyes were not solemn like the other one, but smiling. She nudged her partner, a tall, serious looking man. "Lets go." They wheeled Rue away, and Kit stood there, watching them go.

"What should I do now?" he asked the doctor, who was already leaving to follow them. She did not answer, she was gone. The receptionist looked at him sympathetically. "Do you know this person, or did you just find him?"

"I know him, he's my…" He looked at the woman, and realized she might despise him if she knew their relationship. He needed her kindness now, and didn't want to risk losing it.

"Is he your little brother?" she asked, brushing back a bit of her hair, fried by hair dyes and dryers. It looked hideous, but Kit didn't comment.

"Yes…yes, that's it," Kit said, glad for the provided explanation.

"Why don't you call your parents then, and tell them to get over here."

"Sure."

"Do you need to use the phone?"

"No thanks, I have a cell."

"Okay. Your brother will be okay, don't worry. Dr. Chen is very good, she'll fix him right up." As she said this she smiled the bright fake smile that Kit so often used when he was lying.

"Great," he muttered, even more afraid now for his Rue.

"I'll be going then," she said, heading back to her desk. "I've got to get to the next patient. When your mother gets here, tell her to come up to get some forms, okay?"

"Right, okay. Thanks." Kit shuffled towards the waiting room, and flopped in a chair. I'll call his mother. Same number as his, I guess. 254-6710.

The phone began to ring, and Kit's muscles tightened as he waited. "Hello?" Orai answered the phone; sounding raspy from the smoke she'd been sucking all day.

"He…hello. This is…well…Rue's in the hospital, get over here okay? It's the one near Xinmei Park."

"Oh God, who is this?" Orai choked. "What happened?"

"It's…just come, okay? Please."

"Tell me what's going on! What's happened to my kid?"

"Just come!" Kit shouted, hanging up the phone. He looked at the people around him, wondering what they were waiting for. He then realized he didn't give a shit. I'm a terrible person, I know… He groaned audibly. I just want to sleep…

But he didn't sleep. He didn't deserve sleep. I hurt Rue…

I'm evil. I'm crazy. I hurt the one I love.

I miss Yuka…

NO!

He fell asleep, images of Rue and Yuka melding together in streams of blood.

"Wheres my kid?!" Orai Quiril shouted, angrily pushing through the aisles of chairs, dragging her daughter behind her. "What the hell is going on here? Somebody better tell me!"

Eyes fixed themselves on her, wondering at her rage. But she didn't hold their interest long enough, so they looked away, returning to their fantasies and concerns.

Kit blinked himself awake, then glanced warily at the raving woman and her daughter. He recognized the daughter, slouched and looking miserable. She was Brei, Rue's sister. So this wackjob of a woman must be his mother. He didn't want to get up and talk to her; he wanted to stay as far away from it all as possible. But he had to. Rue would want his mother when he woke up.

If he wakes up.

"Miss," he said, standing up, and trudging towards Orai. "Hey. I…"

"Who are you?" she shouted, her voice revealing tears about to fall. "Were you the one who called? Wheres Rue? Do you know who Rue is?"

"Yes…some nurses took him down that hall." He pointed past the receptionist, at the hallway leading to the rest of the hospital. "I'm not sure where. You have to get some forms from that lady over there."

"No, I want to see him! What happened? Why is he in the hospital? God damn it, why wont you tell me?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know…just go over to the receptionist." Kit shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling for the knife. It was gone, and that small fact made him feel worse then he had all day. Without a weapon to blame, it was only he who'd done wrong. As much as he'd like to personify the knife and force the guilt on it, he could not do that now. All he could do was watch as the scared and raging woman looked around for the receptionist desk.

"Mom," said Brei, who was holding her mother's arm, trying to restrain her. "Rue probably just got beat up. Don't worry."

"I don't know that! I want to see my child!" she shrieked, then rushed over to the receptionist. "Hi! I need forms! My son is in here, give me the stupid forms so I can see him!"

"Here." The receptionist held out the papers nervously.

Orai scanned them wildly. "I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING REASON FOR ADMITTANCE!!!" she screeched, nearly hyperventilating. "Please just let me see him." She looked up at the receptionist, crying a little. "Please."

"I'm sorry, his name isn't in the records yet. I don't know where he is, or even what his name is."

"IT'S RUE QUIRIL! FIND OUT WHERE HE IS NOW!"

"I'll see if I can find Dr. Chen. She's the one who took him in. Let me call her."

"Mama!" Brei shouted, running towards Orai. "Calm down, okay? You're scaring everyone."

"Who cares!?" She was sobbing full-fledged now.

Kit watched this, wishing he could leave. But he had to see that Rue was alive. He had to wait. Be patient. You'll see Rue. But stay in control. You must keep control. If you don't, you are truly insane. Truly evil.

"Dr. Chen? Hi, Miss, I'm sorry, but you know that boy who just came in with the bleeding face? His mother is here and she's hysterical. Can you say what room she can go to?" The receptionist tittered nervously into the phone. "Thank you." She hung up.

"Miss…Quiril? Your son is in room 478 on the ground floor. He's still unconscious, but you can go to him."

"Thank you!" She tore out of the waiting room. Kit stood up and followed her, walking side by side with Brei.

"Do I know you?" Brei asked, eyebrows knitting together. "I'm sure I saw you somewhere."

"No, you don't know me," he said, quickening his pace. They came to room 478 and Brei shoved past him.

"Rue!" she yelled, heading towards the bed her brother now lay in. She said nothing more, because she knew he was unconscious and couldn't hear her.

"Is he alive?" Kit asked, his breath catching in his throat as he thought of the more pessimistic possibility.

The more likely possibility.

"Yes," Dr. Chen said, looking at him as though his insanity was visible. "We wouldn't have bothered putting him in a bed if he weren't."

Orai rushed up to her child, crushing him in a hug. "Rue! Oh, my poor baby…what happened to you?"

"Don't be so rough," said the cold-toned doctor. "He's too weak."

Orai loosened her grip slightly, but she was still holding him tight. "Oh my lord…" She had finally noticed the obvious reason Rue was here. "What happened to his face?"

"I don't know," Dr. Chen sighed. "It's been cut, but how am I supposed to know how it happened?"

"Rue…" Kit said in a strangled voice, the same he's used as he'd whispered Yuka's name. No one paid any attention to him except Rue, who was just waking up.

"Rue!" Kit scrambled towards the bed, and stood over Rue, watching him open his wounded eyes.

There was a horrible piercing sound. Kit looked around, trying to figure out what monster had invaded the room. Then he realized it was human, and coming from Rue. The shriek quickly deteriorated into moaning, pain-filled sobs. He grabbed at his face, nearly breaking more skin himself, and cried without tears.

He heard my voice and started that. Kit began his droning self-hatred. He hates me. I almost killed him. I'm a monster. He hates me.

All I'll ever do is make people cry. Look what I did here. Look what I've done to Rue.

I'll always hurt people.

Rue continued to weep, and his sister was trying to calm him down while his mother was shouting at the doctor to get her son some pain medication.

"It's okay, Rue, don't cry. It's okay. You'll be fine. It'll stop hurting soon. Everything's okay," Brei chanted, moving her hands back and forth on her brother's back.

I can't live on this Earth anymore. I must go before I cause any more pain. I must die.

"I love you Rue," he whispered softly, so he could not be heard.

After watching Rue's pain for another moment, he walked out the door, and began to run.

As soon as he got outside, Kit bolted into the car, and jammed the key in, jerking it to life. He drove out of the parking lot, going way over the speed limit, but he didn't care. He was going to die soon. How did not matter, as long as it was painful. It was now time for his ultimate punishment, for he had done the ultimate wrong.

When he hurt Yuka back then, that was different. It was awful, and he's been disgusted with himself, but Yuka had not known the identity of her attacker. She was able to twist it into the egotistical fantasy that it had been a crazed fan who nearly killed her. And she hadn't cried.

Rue, on the other hand, had known who was hurting him, had experienced betrayal and pain that no fifteen-year-old child should experience. No one should have to experience that kind of agony. And Rue had screamed.

He could not redeem himself with Rue. He was now unfit to live as a human being. He could spend eternity torturing himself, but then he might lose control again.

There was nothing left for him, so why should he live and harm others?

He parked the car on the side of the road, and crawled under the seat where he'd dropped his knife before. It was drenched in blood. Rue's blood, Yuka's and his own, all mingled together and cleaned many times. Only Rue's was still there, but he could see all the blood the knife had accumulated.

This knife had never failed to cause pain. It would help him now. But…he couldn't die yet. There was something he had to do first. He needed to let Rue know he was going to be dead. I must give him that final gift. At least he can be happy in knowing I'm gone.

The only problem was, he couldn't call Rue. If he did, he might not get the message for weeks. The only other person he could think to call was Yuka. Yuka knew his family, she'd tell them, and they too would receive the final gift. He didn't know how that would get to Rue, but Yuka was so famous now everyone knew everything about her. His suicide might get in some article - as Yuka's experience. That would spread the gift, and anyone he'd contaminated by being with would rejoice.

Rue would probably hear about it. So he'd call Yuka. Kit put down the knife in favor of his phone. He punched in Yuka's number, and waited for her to pick up. "Who is it?"

"Hello Yuka," Kit said flatly.

"Um, hi. Who is this?" Yuka asked, slightly confused.

"Kit Yalei. Remember me?"

"Of course I do. You just called me this morning. Whats up?"

"Oh nothing much. I'm just going to kill myself, that's all."

"What?" Yuka sounded startled. "Kit! Shut up, don't say things like that!"

"I just wanted to tell you that. I thought you'd be happy. Please tell my family. And tell Rue."

"Who's Rue? Kit, I don't understand…you can't kill yourself! You're crazy!"

"Yes." Finally, someone else acknowledged his pathology. Someone else saw the terrible mind-rot that caused him do such evil things.

"No you're not!" Yuka cried. If they'd been talking to face to face, she surely would have smacked him. Kit missed her desperately at that moment, and considered briefly postponing his death plans until he could see her…but no. If he didn't die now, he never would. And he might hurt Yuka too. He had to die because he had no self-control.

"You just said I was. Were you lying?" he said quietly, blinking fast so he would not cry.

"No! Kit, stop it! You haven't talked to me for a year, and now you tell me this? Do you really think I care?"

"Of course not. I just thought you'd be glad. And its important that Rue knows. I can't call him; he's in the hospital. I need you to tell people, Yuka. Tell everyone."

"Kit! You can't do this! And I do care; I don't know what I'm saying. Why would you kill yourself? You have so much to live for!" She was panicking now, and Kit did not know why.

"The world doesn't need people like me."

"Okay, I'm coming over. Where are you?"

"Don't bother. I'll be dead by the time you get here."

"Tell me where you are!"

"Fine. I'm in New York. You're in California. Don't bother making the trip, just tell people."

"I'm coming! I don't care; I'll just buy a plane ticket. Where in New York?"

"You know where I live. Go from there to the nearest hospital, and you'll find my car on the way."

"You'd better be alive when I get there. I'm don't want to fly in for a corpse. I'm bringing my baby, and you don't want to scar her for life, do you?"

"Please don't come," Kit said, his voice husky with tears. He pressed a button and hung up on her. This was the last human he would ever speak to. As much as he wanted to see her, he still had to die. It would be selfish to stay in the world. Who knows whom he might maim?

He picked up the knife again, and without watching, stabbed his arm. That was his usual spot to do this, but it wasn't painful enough. It would heal, and he would be fine, unless he managed to get it infected. But that would take too long.

Maybe his neck. He would die then, certainly. No, he should suffer a little first.

My face, he thought, sudden inspiration filling his head. I'll cut words on my face, just like I did to Rue. I want to say I love him. Theres not enough room on my face for that. And it might hurt him even more. I can't do that. I can never do that again.

No, not his face. His stomach? Heart? What would not kill him right away; allow him to writhe in agony for a while? Maybe he should cut out his heart. It was not as though he really had one. It was there in organ, but not there in what it meant metaphorically. Only a heartless person would carve his name in someone's face. Especially someone he loved so dearly.

And there would be so much blood if he did that. He would be purged of evil. Purged of insanity. And then maybe he could die unburdened.

Yes. That was good. He would die quickly, but he would still live long enough to feel the pain.

It has to hurt enough to scream the way Rue did. This will.

He plunged the knife into his chest, and began digging. It hurt, but the pain was welcome. Thank you God, he thought, suddenly feeling that God was real, a strange thought for a lifelong atheist. God was allowing him to fix his mistakes.

He couldn't help but scream as he dug further. Then he laughed. He was happy now. The happiness was warped and painful. But it was worth it! He would die soon, once he found his heart among his ribcage. I have so many ribs. He hadn't known this before; he'd never been skinny enough to see them. Rue had, and at this thought he started to cry. He dug more, and the blood spurted madly out. Finally, he found what he thought was his heart. He used the knife to sever the veins and arteries, everything holding his heart to him. He put down the knife, and stuck his hands into his gaping flesh, and pulled out the heart through the ribs, cherishing the fact that he actually had one. He couldn't get the whole thing out through the bones, but the pulpy mess in his hands was enough. He would die now.

There was a sudden burst of joyous, unimaginable pain, and then everything was black.

You have invited Death into your house, and he will take you away now. Where you go from there is up to you.

On the day of Kit's funeral, Rue was acutely aware of how horrifying he looked. His face was covered with Kit's name, in the form of unhealed wounds crudely stitched together, and pus. His face was swollen too; he'd had an infection, which probably made him look even more monstrous. He had not actually seen how he looked, but his mother told him it was awful.

He'd told Orai everything about what happened, and begged her not to tell anyone, not to do anything to spoil a corpse's good name. She'd agreed, but only because he was dead and could never hurt he baby again.

"If he were still alive, he'd be in jail now," Orai had stated angrily. "It's a good thing he's dead, or else maybe I'd be too, because I would kill him."

Orai also knew that Rue and Kit had been lovers. She tried not to show how disgusted she was, that her child had been that deeply involved with a psychotic man eight years older then he was.

What she didn't know what that Rue still loved him. Somehow, he'd forgiven Kit without a thought. Maybe if he was still alive he wouldn't have felt the same, but he couldn't know. Kit had chosen to die, and there was no changing that. He wasn't a threat anymore, and Rue was not afraid.

Kit's family was all there. They kept coming up to Rue, enticed by the unknown freak with the putrid face. He got nervous around them, it's always unnerving to meet a lover's parents. Besides he was still getting used to his loss of sight, and it was disturbing to hear the voices from nowhere.

But once they introduced themselves, it was okay. He felt a strange peacefulness now, though he was deeply sad for Kit's death. But somehow, he could not work up tears over it. He knew this was partially because his tear ducts had been destroyed, but he also knew this wasn't the only reason.

He missed Kit. But he did not miss the fear, or the pain. And that was what he thought about now, as the pain in his face increased by the minute. Sometimes he thought the pain would drive him crazy, but it hadn't yet, and it would go away.

The first person to go up to him that day was Rachel Yalei, Kit's mother.

Her voice was somber, filled with misery. No wonder. Her son was dead, and she didn't know why. She knew it was suicide, but she hadn't seen him in five years. She was blaming herself. She told Rue some of this, the rest he could gather from the sad sound of her voice.

"I hear you and my son were lovers," she said, with an undertone of discomfort. Orai had been telling people everything except what Kit had done.

Rue turned his head towards where he thought her face was. I'm sure she's wondering how her darling son could fall in love with a monster like me.

She surprised him. Kit's mother did not mention anything about any disapproval she might have. "I haven't seen my son in five years. Please, tell me what he was like before he died."

"Oh…sure," Rue said, a little caught off guard. "Kit was a good person. I really loved him-" He'd been about to say more, but Mrs. Yalei interrupted. Maybe she hadn't wanted a real answer after all.

"That's good. I'm glad he had someone to love him. Did he love you as well?" He knew she couldn't resist asking, couldn't help wondering why Kit would care about someone with such a hideous face.

"Yes, I like to think he did."

"So…he loved men? He was gay?"

"Yes," he said, despite knowledge to the contrary. Kit was obviously bisexual, a fact proven by Kit's monthly purchases of both Playboy and Playgirl magazines. He'd hand Rue the girlymag, and stare at girl's breasts and cunts himself. Rue had been hurt by this at first, but Kit had given him a good reason he forgot for why this was okay. Rue had still been upset, but a few kisses later he forgot about that too.

"Oh." Rachel's disappointment was clear. "Did he have any other boyfriends?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"I see. Well, you seem like a nice boy…what was your name?"

"My name is Rue."

"You look like a nice boy, Rue. I'm glad Kit found some happiness with you. Anyway, it was nice talking with you."

"Nice talking to you too."

"Just one thing though. When someone speaks to you, you should look them in the face," Rachel said, in a tone that only a long-term parent would adopt.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Yalei. I can't see your face, I'm blind." He bobbed his head and walked away.

Those present at the funeral shared stories about Kit. Yuka, who was there with her baby girl, told about how he'd encouraged her to pursue her dreams to become a singer. Rue thought this odd. From what Kit had said, he hadn't supported her at all, only mocked and belittled her.

"He was mean about it," Yuka said, steadily, hoping not to upset the grieving Yalei's with supposed insults about their beloved Kit. "But without his scorn, I would've had nothing to prove. I wouldn't have tried so hard. I wanted to show Kit what I was made of, and I succeeded. And sometimes, he did believe in me."

His family, consisting of a mother, father, an older, previously married sister, with two children, and another one developing slowly within her, and a younger brother, who had just turned sixteen. The brother was now talking about the last time he'd ever seen his dear brother. He hadn't been so dear to him back then, though.

"I saw him on the Thanksgiving I was eleven. Riley was there with Madison, who was a little baby then. Everyone was all there together, which was great except that Riley's stupid husband was there, and all anyone could do was argue." It was okay to call the husband stupid, apparently. Riley, the sister, quickly agreed with him. Her ex-husband was quite the loser.

"So anyway, we were eating our dinner, but everyone was fighting. Madison was crying, and Dad wanted Riley to give her beer to shut her up. Jack the Ass was agreeing with him, and Riley was shouting at both of them about damaging her baby." Riley quickly interrupted to say that her ex's name was Jeff, not Jack. Her brother didn't care.

"Then Mom mentioned to me that maybe she would stop sending me to the private school I was attending. I loved that school. I met my first girlfriend, Faith, there. Back then, I was really into her…we spent all our time together and it was great. I didn't want to leave my school, not with Faith there. I was popular too, and doing well. I didn't want to lose what I had.

"I asked her why she would do that, so she lowered her voice and said, `Bo, honey, you know your brother has some problems. The psychologist is very expensive…we really can't afford both. You can go to public school.'

"I couldn't help it, I was furious. I exploded, not at my mother, but at Kit. `You're just a fucked-up psycho!' I yelled. `It's not my fault you're crazy, why should I suffer for it?'

"After that, Kit just left. We never saw him again."

The rest of the family agreed that they too, remembered this, and wished it had been different. Rue wished that as well, that things had been different. He deeply regretted the loss of his love, his sight, his happiness, and he wanted them back. It was all he wanted, and all he could never have.

Rei: ^_^ I'm finished! I'm so happy! I'm proud of this piece, I worked really hard. Let me know what you think! Please review!

~Coming, hopefully within the year, is `Road Of Regrets' (working title only) the sequel to this little blop of misery. It's about Rue after the incident…how he deals with his grief and moves on with his life…into still more hell! Theres rape, an abusive father, a cheating boyfriend, death, and the one person who's good for him being the wrong gender! ^^ Fun, ne?~