Fan Fiction ❯ Around The Animation Horn ❯ A Helping Hand ( Chapter 3 )

AROUND THE ANIMATION HORN

A/N: The third episode of Around the Animation Horn deals with Shiite Muslims wanting to stake their territory in Iraq after Allied forces continued to liberate the state. Singer Luther Vandross has had a stroke and suffered pneumonia. Find out his condition after a tracheotomy by reading on. Plus, if it's April, we have the NFL Draft analysis, NBA playoffs and NHL playoffs. And you never know what will happen when we kick it Around the Animation Horn!

Day 3: A Helping Hand. (Recorded April 28, 2003)

(we're on the air)

Arthur Read: These four things I know are true! Maurice Cheeks proves he can always deliver a great assist. If you want to sound off on Mario Andretti's crash, take a number. A tax cut reduced to $550B is a sign of supporting our troops, and I'm George W. Bush. Let's liberate Iraq!

(intro plays)

Voice Over: It's Around the Animation Horn, the show of competitive banter. And now here's Arthur Read!

Read: Welcome back to Total Bantering Live. Let's get right to things with our national panel. First, he has been entertaining fans of that Great Dane and the funky looking van for 35 years. It would be an understatement to say that he eats a lot, but surprisingly, he doesn't seem to gain any weight. Now he's back with the remake of the classic from the late sixties on into the nineties in specials. Please welcome Shaggy! (A/N: His real name is Norville Rogers.)

Shaggy: You gotta get some Scooby Doos.

Read: Maybe I'll get Scooby Don'ts and call it a trade. Next is one of the original Nicktoons of 1991. Graduating from Nickelodeon wasn't enough as he took his escapades to Mike Eisner and the Walt Disney company in 1996. But over the last couple of years, he has been reclusive from all forms of media except satellite TV. Please welcome, just the average kid, Doug Funnie!

Funnie: That's not funny.

Read: This kid needs to lighten up. Next, we have what many others and I would call one of the most beloved characters in pop culture. For 15 years he has lighted it up on the small screen and given justice to all those lazy ones. Please welcome Homer J. Simpson! And finally, he is the mouse with the most and the one that started it all for Disney way back when. Please welcome the official spokesperson for Disney, Mickey Mouse!

Mickey: And the butt of many chemistry jokes.

Read: What can I say? His head looks like a water molecule. This is the show that scores the argument and here's how it's done with these joysticks and MUTE buttons.

For the first two rounds, scoring will be based on point of view, style and information.

O.K. answers get one point

Good answers get two points

Great answers get three points

The MUTE button (deduction of five points) is used to penalize and direct traffic during arguments.

We eliminate panelists in the second and fourth rounds so a one on one showdown determines the winner. Let's make it happen!

Voice Over: It's the Opening Remarks!

Read: Coalition troops have tuned down their defense mechanisms and will now begin to leave Iraq. But Shiite Muslims want the Allies to leave Iraq as soon as possible and they are not alone. So here is the question. What should the United States do before they leave Iraq? Let's go Around the Horn to Homer Simpson.

Simpson: They should prove to everyone that this war had a purpose. The stuck up French still believe it was worthless (two points; at 2) and did they have a nuclear weapons program or not? If they did, everything was worth it, but if they didn't, there's one less tyrant to worry about. (two points; at 4)

Mickey: Homer forgot that you should tear down everything that was constructed in honor of Saddam Hussein. (three points; at 3) Dead or alive, the man is no longer in power and is no longer a threat to the people of Iraq, his neighbors or Allied forces. (two points; at 5)

Funnie: You guys couldn't be more wrong if you were two left shoes. (two points; at 2) It's not as if the United States needs another reason to cover up the truth behind this war. I mean the prices of petroleum are skyrocketing (three points; at 5) and the United States needs to get spheres of influence in another country to pay off the balance.

Read: So are you saying that even with the weapons and documents that suggest weapons that this war is being fought for all the wrong reasons?

Funnie: Yes, and another reason that came to me from some guys I had a watercooler chat with was that if you trace the warpath back to the very beginning, you'll remember that Bush couldn't stop mentioning that Saddam was the same man that tried to kill his father. (three points; at 8) I just want more of a reason to go ahead with this war besides oil and family honor. (two points; at 10)

Shaggy: You could say that I am contradicting myself somewhat, but here goes. I feel that at the beginning, yes the war was being fought for the wrong reasons. But as I see the images of weapons and chemical materials being stored, I come to find more of a insightful reason for warfare. (three points; at 3) I still have mixed feelings about the war, but I am coming around. (two points; at 5)

Read: You know what? You were right about your statement being a contradiction. So (two points; at 7) here's two more points for a warning.

Simpson: As you all know, I work at a nuclear power plant. It could be possible for someone to have a dangerous level of radiation. Because of nuclear research, we are becoming a country that would rather fight with our defense than our offense. (three points; at 7) And remember that Saddam Hussein has relied on his good friends across the Middle East for years to bring him to the forefront in all of the…(MUTE; back to 2)

Read: I think he was getting a bit off topic there. Mickey looks like he about to have convulsions. Let's here it, Mick.

Mickey: Why do I always feel I have to set half-wits straight. The question was, what should the US do before they leave Iraq to their own government. And here's is exactly what they should do. Go to places all across Iraq that contain internal documents from the old regime and see if the war was fought for a lost cause or not. (three points; at 8)

(horn blares)

Read: Shaggy, you have the last word.

Shaggy: Like, remember that lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. (three points; at 8)

Read: I agree with Mickey. Go search the grounds of Iraq to find out if they hid internal documents that detailed weapons being developed. It should all but bring closure for all that has happened. Next topic! In the NBA, one of the most potent twosomes in Karl Malone and John Stockton will probably play their final game in Game 5 of their playoff series between the Sacramento Kings. It's very possible that Malone will take a paycut to be on a championship caliber team while John Stockton will retire from the game at age 41. Here's the question. Is this the best twosome of all time I the NBA? Around the horn we go to Shaggy.

Shaggy: We're talking about the all time leader in assists and steals who can set up any shot for Malone and he would hit it. (two points; at 10) And we're also talking about the man that will soon eclipse Kareem Abdul-Jabaar in points all time. The reason why they are the best is because they have been able to stay healthy for the entirety of their careers. They've missed fewer games in their playing careers than Vince Carter did this year alone. (three points; at 13) That is why they have been able to develop their playing careers to the hall of fame caliber they are at now.

Funnie: Guys, they couldn't have possibly been the best compliments of each other because they weren't the best at the positions they played. Obviously, the best point guard of all time is Magic Johnson (three points; at 13) and the best power forward of all time can be argued for years, but Karl Malone, in my opinion, just falls short of that honor. Sure, the statistics may say otherwise, but you have to be the best in your position in order to be the best overall.

Read: I think-

Shaggy: In the end, the statistics will be all that matters. (two points; at 15)

Read: You get two points, but (MUTE; back to 10) you shouldn't have interrupted me the way you did. Homer get into this argument.

Simpson: The one thing I look for that does not make them the best pair in the NBA is the fact that Stockton ALWAYS passed to Malone. (three points; at 5) That was the only constant in their relationship, because it was always Stockton making Malone look good, not the other way around. (three points; at 8)

Read: That's some awesome stuff there.

Mickey: The one thing nobody here has done is finding a worthy pair that was better than Stockton and Malone. Notice we always say the two in that order. (two points; at 10) People are going to say that I may be crazy with this pick, but Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen had the juice to come together for six championships, even though they didn't sty together for that long. (two points; at 12)

Funnie: How can you possibly say that Michael and Scottie were the best duo in the NBA? Sure, they might have won the championships, but give Phil Jackson most of the credit. (three points; at 16) Second thing, I'm not going to say you may be crazy, because you are. (two points; at 18)

Read: Sure, give Phil the credit but (MUTE; back to 13) you need a good coach, no matter what to win anything.

Shaggy: OK. I've found something we can all agree on. Kareem Abdul-Jabaar and Magic Johnson for the Los Angeles Lakers (three points; at 13) were able to put together their overall great talent along with the teachings of Pat Riley to bring in a lot of titles and be two of several men to cement the legend of the Lakers. (two points; at 15)

Mickey: Here's the deal. Stockton and Malone were so great for so long that we had to witness them first hand eventually or they would dazzle us with their choreographic maneuvering. (three points; at 15)

(horn blares)

Read: Homer, you have the last word.

Homer: I just want to say something to Malone and Stockton. Thanks for over 15 wonderful years of greatness. (three points; at 11)

Read: Those were the Opening Remarks, but watch as our panelists go through stories at the speed of light, next!

After Round one, the scores are:

Norville Rogers: 15 points

Doug Funnie: 18 points

Homer Simpson: 11 points

Mickey Mouse: 15 points

(commercial break)

(we're back on the air)

Voice Over: It's the Lightning Round!

Read: Which means we must continue to keep it moving. First topic! The NFL Draft wrapped up on Sunday encompassing of seven rounds, 32 teams and 262 picks. What was the biggest surprise during draft weekend, Shaggy?

Shaggy: Now I know the reason Brad Banks wasn't drafted. (two points; at 17) He has signed with a team that has had QB trouble in recent years, and I'm sure that if he starts, which I doubt, things will make a change for the better.

Funnie: When Ken Dorsey was drafted. (one point; at 19)

Simpson: The big surprise happened when a running back wasn't drafted until late in the first round. I think that this year's class of backs is the best I've seen in a while (two points; at 13) and it will be a treat to see how these versatile and above all fast backs can handle the big time of the NFL. (three points; at 16)

Mickey: For the second year in a row, the Minnesota Vikings run out the time given, which was more than enough, by the way, to make a pick. (three points; at 18) Because of this, the Vikings let two picks go ahead of them and it resulted in five selections in fewer than five minutes. Without a doubt the weirdest and the best part of the draft. (two points; at 20)

Read: All right, next topic! While snooping through convenience stores, I was able to find this new drink from the makers of Sprite. It's called Sprite Remix and is available in a clear bottle and has tropical flavors. We sent you all a bottle of the stuff to do a live taste test. So when we get to you, I want you to drink the Sprite Remix and tell me what you think. We'll begin the taste test with Doug.

Funnie (after drinking): It's pretty… (MUTE; back to 14)

Read: I gave you one point in the last topic, but gave you a MUTE here because only now do I realize how dumb that answer was. Now Homer, it's your turn.

Simpson (after drinking): This drink has some redeeming qualities such as it tasting like a carbonated tropical fruit punch. It's not really something to kill for like the modestly flavored Vanilla Coke, but it's good enough for me. (three points; at 19)

Read: Are you sure that's Homer Simpson on that screen?

Mickey (after drinking): Oh boy! That's some good stuff. The Coca-Cola Company has hit another home run with this drink. (two points; at 22)

Shaggy (after drinking): I think they tried too hard to make it a tropical flavored Sprite. (two points; at 19) Vanilla Coke continues to reign as the best specialty drink in Coke's stable.

Read: Next topic! Singer/Songwriter Luther Vandross suffered a stroke and was admitted to the hospital in critical condition. While under the stroke, he suffered a bout with pneumonia and needed to have a tracheotomy to prevent serious consequences from taking place. The tracheotomy did not damage his vocal cords. Here's the question. Which musician has had the biggest physical impairment or accident without being killed, Homer?

Simpson: Centuries ago, there was the great composer Ludwig Von Beethoven lost his hearing and continued to write beautiful music, without being able to hear it. (two points; at 21)

Mickey: The legendary R&B singer of the 70's and today, Teddy Pendergrass had an accident in the early 90's that bounded him to a wheelchair. (two points; at 24) Though the accident did not break him spiritually, as he continues to perform today. (MUTE; back to 19)

Read: Yeah. I think you just mentioned that thing about 15 seconds ago.

Shaggy: I haven't heard a thing about Billy Joel since his accident in January. (one point; at 20)

Funnie: I think that the taste and the flavor of Sprite Remix is what makes it…(MUTE; back to 9)

Read: Come on, Funnie. Stay on top of the game. Next topic! While testing an IndyCar owned by his son, 63-year-old Mario Andretti had a wreck that was to say the very least, horrific. The good news is that the only injury that plagued Andretti was a cut on his chin that a Band-Aid could cover up. So, I want to know, should there be an age limit for any type of racing, Mickey?

Mickey: At least have everyone that drives the car on this or any track go through a mandatory physical to make sure they are in good shape. (three points; at 22) Besides that, I can't think of any other worthwhile limitations.

Shaggy: You forgot to mention why he was in the car to begin with.

Read: That's right. Mario was testing the car because Michael's primary driver Tony Kanaan suffered injuries in the last race. Michael wondered whether Tony would be in shape to make the qualifying run, so he turned to the one guy available and willing at the time, which happened to be his father, and asked him to hop into and IndyCar after a nine-year absence from the sport.

Shaggy: With that said I don't think that you have to have an age maximum in racing. A good example is Hershel McGriff, a racing veteran since before there was a NASCAR. (two points; at 22) He raced is Weekly Racing Series car until 2002, when he retired in his mid 70's.

Funnie: You have the sorriest excuse for a host of this show I've ever seen. What happened? Did the author of this show need a real sleazebag to host or what? (MUTE; back to 4)

Read (ignoring the statements): Homer?

Simpson: I think that racing is one of those sports along with boxing where the participant will probably stay in the sport for too long anyway. I think the main reason anyone plays a professional sport for so long is that they want to build that dynasty. (two points; at 23) It can only be done if they stay in the sport until they reach the age of 50, which should push any sports star to the limit. (three points; at 26)

(horn blares)

Read: The horn means elimination time. So it's time to turn the other page to Doug Funnie!

His face is replaced with a black silhouette with a yellow outline.

Read: We'll have more of the argument, next!

Funnie (voice-over): This show is rigged!

(commercial break)

(we're back on the air)

Voice Over: It's Around the Animation Horn, where after two rounds, here's how they stand:

Norville Rogers has 22

Homer Simpson has 26

Mickey Mouse has 22

And Doug Funnie will write this off as a bad day in his journal.

And now…it's time for more of the argument!

Read: We give you more of the argument, because you ask for more. First topic! The US Government announced a cut in the current tax cut valued at $1.3trillion. The new cut is said to be worth about $550billion. Here's the question. Why? Around the horn we go to Mickey Mouse.

Mickey: Three things. The US is in what I would call a state of depression, with the economy going sour. (two points; at 24) We are currently under a war situation (three points; at 27) meaning that thousands of soldiers are expecting paychecks in the mail, courtesy of the American people. (three points; at 30) And finally, the current tax cut benefits the rich better than it would the poor and a revised one has been long in the works.

Simpson: Whatever happened to America being the country where the middle class was the most appreciated of the classes. Have the money that belongs to the rich benefit those that need it (three points; at 29) but don't hurt your pressing mottoes in the process. (two points; at 31)

Shaggy: Even though there are those that are still anti-war, you can't help but support our troops overseas. (three points; at 25) Some may not even know it, but the taxes help towards paying for the military services they give us. (three points; at 28) This tax cut is more than just a cry out from the few remaining democrats in Congress, it is a symbol of patriotism.

Read: All right. You were getting a bit too deep, but let's go back to the democrat issue. I know we are getting a bit off topic but it's not hard to beat a tax cut issue to the ground. After a bad midterm election, what do the liberals have to do to get noticed in 2004?

Shaggy: Wait for the 2008 election. (three points; at 31)

Mickey: He's right. I mean, off the top of my head, I can't even name all six candidates on the democratic side.

Read: Tell you what, Mick. If you can name five of six, I'll give you four points.

Mickey: There's Dick Gephardt, Bill Frist, Al Sharpton, Joe Lieberman, and I can't name any others. (three points; at 33)

Read: I'll give you three points. The other one was John Kerry, by the way.

(horn blares)

Read: Homer, you have the last word.

Simpson: Right now, I'll go so far as to say there isn't even a democratic party in Congress or the 2004 election. (two points; at 33)

Read: Next topic! Portland TrailBlazers coach Maurice Cheeks helped a 13-year-old girl with the National Anthem in a game that was part of their series against the Dallas Mavericks. Cheeks has always been known as being a man that could deliver assists on the court in a fury. So I want to know, is this is greatest assist of all time, Shaggy?

Shaggy: This shows us that Americans will drop everything to help their fellow man. It was a wonderful gesture that we should be talking about for weeks to come.

Mickey: It's amazing how some athletes generate the most attention after their retirements. Maurice Cheeks is another example, and a good one at that.

Simpson: One of the more class acts I have seen this NBA season. When we look back at the end of the year in sports and all news in general, this will stand out.

(horn blares)

Read: Great statements. Though not really something to give points for, you each get three points. (This sends Shaggy to 34, Homer to 36, and Mickey to 36) We'll get right into our Pop Quiz round, where I will ask each panelist two questions. They get four points for each correct answer, but if they miss both then they will be subjected to a MUTE and a deduction of five points. We'll start with Shaggy, who has 34 points and needs to answer at least on question correctly. The first question is during his 13-year career, Bill Russell won how many NBA championships?

Shaggy: He had Read Auerbach with him for most of those titles. I'm going to say he won…seven.

(buzzer sounds)

Read: This is amazing. In a 13-year career, Bill Russell won 11 titles. You need to get this one correct to have a chance at the final round. Rick Mears was able to win his four Indy 500 titles faster than any other driver in history. How long from his first Indy win to his last Indy win did it take him?

Shaggy: 12 years. (Shaggy's final score is 38)

(fanfare sounds)

Read: Now onto Homer Simpson. Your first question is, Sierra Mist was a replacement for what soft drink?

Simpson: I'm a beer man, but I'll say Slice, just because I haven't seen them around much.

(fanfare sounds)

Read: The next question is, which Democratic Presidential Candidate is a doctor?

Simpson: John Kerry is the doctor, I think. (Homer's final score is 40)

(buzzer sounds)

Read: The correct answer is actually Bill Frist. Now for Mickey Mouse. What is another name for a runningback?

Mickey: A fullback.

(buzzer sounds)

Read: The correct answer was a halfback. He'll need to get this one right to get into the final round. Besides John Stockton, name another NBA player with over 10,000 assists.

Mickey: Maurice Cheeks. (MUTE; back to 31)

(buzzer sounds)

Read: We would have accepted Mark Jackson, but we must accept your walking papers, because it's time for you to go! Yet another pretender to the throne falls to the waistline. Who will prevail when our final two meet in the showdown, next!

(commercial break)

(we're back on the air)

Voice Over: It's time for the Final Showdown!

Read: Let's get right into things. It is almost certain to be in the NASCAR Winston Cup Series. After having an argument with boss Richard Childress, drive Jeff Green was fired, released, whatever you want to call it the very next day. Meanwhile, NASCAR star Steve Park of Dale Earnhardt Incorporated is all but certainly out of his ride. There is the potential for a driver swap, but would you approve of such a maneuver this early in the season? Thirty seconds each for all the marbles and we'll begin with Homer Simpson right now.

Simpson: Look at is this way. Both of the teams have had bad years so far and needed something to get them back on the right path. They can't miss races because of driver and sponsor obligations and it's very hard to just get `back on track' when you have a schedule that moves as fast as Winston Cup does. It just so happens that there are two teams that have the same problems with their race teams. It has been done before with crew chiefs, but usually the crewmembers would be teammates. I really don't remember a thing like this happening before a season was over, but if they feel that the switch will work, who am I to say it won't?

Shaggy: Hey, I'm glad that you say that it might work, but here's my theory. Every year about as recent as the year 2000, there seems to be a crop of teams that are going nowhere and a lot of teams that are capable of winning every weekend. It used to be that the majority of those teams were going nowhere, but now, just about everyone has a good chance of winning. Of course there will be teams that expected great years but are having showings of pure mediocrity. Two teams that share aerodynamic info seem to have these problems while their teammates are running away in the points. These things happen and if you can find a way to make them even somewhat better than I recommend it.

(horn blares)

Read: Just because he answered my question, I have to give the win to Homer Simpson!

(fanfare sounds)

Read: 15 seconds and they begin right now.

Homer Simpson: Speaking of 15, the number 15 is also the number of seasons for my hit, The Simpsons. It was believed that this would be the last of the seasons, but we are now safe for the next two seasons. Keep the memory of one of the greatest TV shows of all time in your mind as this contract may just be the last.

(horn blares as Doug and Mickey reenter the studio)

Read: That will do it for us. Stay tuned for Ron Stoppable, Clark Kent, Dick Dastardly and Porky Pig on the next Around the Animation Horn!

(we're off the air)

Review for Day 4: Catch you on the Funny Cide!