Fan Fiction ❯ Author troubles ❯ The tortoise and the hair, remixed ( Chapter 1 )

Once upon a time, there was an author, who, in the midst of writing his newest masterpiece, found himself actively engaged in a furious argument with his lead protagonist, Tortoise. Upon future reflection of this moment, the author found this quite silly, seeing as he would have had to be writing the script for both sides of the argument, due to Tortoise being his own fictional creation, but at the moment he was too angry to notice. Just as the fearsome quarrel seemed to reach a bloodthirsty high, the author had a brilliant idea. Quickly he explained his proposition, that he and Tortoise were to have a race, and who ever was victor would be deemed undeniably correct in his standing of the matter. Tortoise slowly nodded his round green head in agreement; surely this would be a good way to end the fight. Upon receiving Tortoise's consent, the author quickly, and majestically carved a beautiful meadow out of his expansive knowledge of literary terms, all the while scheming. This author was not the kind to play fair, and he always hedged his bets when he could. As a final touch to his new world of fiction, he created a body for himself in the form of a hare, believing that it would be the perfect choice for out distancing Tortoise.

Both Tortoise and the author met at the starting line, giving each other competitive glances. “Your gonna be wishing you had never quarreled with me you old slowpoke.” Said the author dauntingly. “Slow and steady wins the race.” Rebutted Tortoise unperturbed. Somewhere in the distance a gun fired, signaling for both racers to start. The author was off like a bullet, gone out of sight before Tortoise had so much as lifted a foot, leaving behind a howling wind, and a stinging cloud of dust. Coughing vehemently due to the unsettled dirt in the air, Tortoise began to plod down his long and laborious journey to the finish line.

Meanwhile, much farther ahead, the author was discovering a serious side effect of his hare form, an extreme case of ADD. As he was running down the raceway, he noticed something shiny a short distance off the road and instantly forgot all about the race in which he was partaking, in favor of chasing down, and figuring out as to what this new object could be. Shortly after finding the bottle cap, he saw another up ahead, and another after that. Soon he had followed the trail deep within a dark and foreboding forest, where he promptly got lost.

Soon, day turned to night, and with it came the silvery moonlight that reflected off the seemingly waxed shell of the slow moving creature. He could see the white tape of the finish line ahead of him now, silhouetted in the night like some kind of spectral phenomena. Any lesser creature might have been intimidated by such a ghastly illusion of light and shadow, but not old Tortoise. Just a few inches further and he would be there. Just another step and he will have won!

It started as a tremor, barely enough to notice, but soon the ground began to shake violently, catching Tortoise by surprise and throwing him off balance just enough to force him to place his foot back on the ground before the finish line. Suddenly the very ground beneath his feat erupted in a billowing geyser of earth, and a dozen razor clawed arms of the rabid ninja mutants snapped out to grasp the severely bewildered Tortoise. Then, as suddenly as they had appeared, the bloodthirsty, mole men disappeared beneath the earth once again with their cargo, leaving nothing but silence in their wake.

Finding his way out of the forest at that exact moment, the author merrily dashed ahead of the fairly large crater in the middle of the finish area, and crossed the finish line for all to see. Satisfied that he was victorious, he continued on to write his novel.

 

Moral:

Never challenge someone to a contest, unless you are damn certain that they aren't the ones writing the story!