Fan Fiction ❯ Behind These Hazel Eyes ❯ Behind these Hazel Eyes ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: I don't own Kelly Clarkston's Behind these Hazel Eyes. That is her song unfortunately but it a cool song. This is something that happened in real life…..I will not disclose actual names in this…but this is something that has happened recently in my life. Language warnings, grammar warnings as well. My composition isn't the best I'm well aware. This is actually a true story. The fic is also narrated in my POV towards the one that caused my feelings. I dedicate this fic to anyone who has ever thought they had been in love but found out it was all an illusion.

It all happened so fast. The first day we met was the first day of my 8th grade year. You were a freshman. My friend had introduced us. At first I didn't think anything of it. At that time I didn't believe in love at first sight. But we became friends almost instantly. I was naïve and you knew how to play your cards just right….first impressions after all are the most impacting. You were sweet and caring….I didn't realize until later just how you affected me.

(Uh oh oh oh oohh uh oh oh

Seems like just yesterday

You were apart of me)

I remember Halloween of that year. My best friend and I had gone out in costumes just to hang out. You went with my best friend….Maybe that's when it started. At that point in my life I wasn't as broken. My life hadn't started to fall apart. I was still a kid….I wish I could go back to those days. I would change a lot of things if I could. I held my head high then and I felt good about myself. Even with my friends not being the kind of friends most would want to go for…I still held my head high. I was still proud of who I was.

(I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong)

You graduated out of the Junior High though. You went on into your sophomore year. I still had my freshman year to go through. I thought it was like everything else. Friends come and go so on and so on. The next time I seen you….I wasn't as innocent as I was then. I was known as the bad girl. The one who didn't pay attention to the rules. I did what I wanted when I wanted and no one was going to stop me. I was very stubborn and when I put my mind to it I could do anything. My teachers had always told me I had potential if I ever put the effort into it. I didn't really care….I hated my high school life anyway. I didn't have a great big history of boyfriends. I had maybe four before you. But the one that impacted me the most was the one right before you. I didn't think it was possible…for a 16 year old girl to fall in love with someone over the phone. But I did.

My best friend at the time had set me up with him. Heh Heh….if only she would have told me he was in love with her cousin that lived down the street from him. I asked him out….and he accepted. I made some mistakes with him. Giving my heart was one of them. He was a year older than me. He was 17 while I was 16. I fell hard and fast…..I loved his personality. He was a rule breaker like me. I thought we had so much in common…now that I look back I realize we had absolutely nothing in common with each other. He didn't feel the same way about me. He used me for his own wants….and then left me crying. I thought I was really in love. But come to find out I was only a replacement. He saw her when he looked at me. That was the first of many episodes in my life that has tore down every thing I ever felt about myself. I never thought I was pretty. But even though I never thought myself beautiful I was dead set on someone who would love me for me.

I was shattered, I was broken. After him I was never the same. I put barriers up around my heart. Then…..I ran into you again. At the store. We started talking about how depressing Valentine's Day was. We….just hit it off. I didn't even realize how similar we were. I will admit….I was looking for someone anyone to fix me…to mend what was broken. Two days later we started going out. It was like a fairy tale. You showed such devotion and love towards me. You adored me.

(Your arms around me tight

Everything it felt so right

Unbreakable like nothing

Could go wrong)

I got pregnant with our first child later that year. I was only 17 and I was still in school. That's when our minor problems began. I had decided I would drop out to stay at home with my child. So I could be a good mother. You defended me from the onslaught that our friends had provided. My closest friends had a crush on you and they started spreading rumors about me that I was a whore because I got pregnant. Even through all of that you still defended me. My knight in shining armor.

Once it was confirmed I was pregnant you proposed to me. I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world that you wanted to be apart of your child's life when I grew up with no father at all. I'm not sure if I could say I was totally in love with you. But you were growing on me. You were tearing down some of my barriers that I had placed on myself when my last relationship ended. Both of our families were totally against the marriage. But you still insisted on it. That you loved me and that you loved our child.

(Now I can't breathe

No I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on….)

We got married in August of that year. I was due to have our daughter in December. I was so proud to say that I had the sweetest husband in the world. You did everything for me. You were constantly there for me. I thought nothing would change.

In December I started going over my due date. I gave birth to our oldest daughter December 26th at 9:11 at night. The baby swallowed her mucus plugs and they had to keep her for three days. You were so worried about her….you never left her side or mine. The thought alone almost brings tears to my eyes. I had never seen your face light up as much as it did when you held your daughter for the first time. Even with me….I never seen you so happy. That's when I started having doubts in my mind. I never voiced them. I thought it was petty fears.

(Here I am once again

I'm torn into pieces)

After our daughter was born however….you started changing. Not for the better either. We fought almost constantly. Our sexual life was diminishing as well. But I had just had a baby. Maybe it was post partum depression. Maybe I was seeing your true colors. I don't know. I really don't. You always made time for your daughter. But when it came to me….you wanted to fight with me more than love me.

(Can't deny it

Can't pretend

Just thought you were the one)

Almost two years passed before we decided to have another child. He was working steady and going to school….I had given up my schooling to stay home with the children. I got pregnant again….but you were totally different about this one. Constantly yelling at me and accusing me of things I wasn't doing. I ended up having a miscarriage. I was torn up about it at first….then I got over it. Our marriage was rocky at best. I know I was at fault too. But I seriously thought we'd work through it. That every relationship has its problems.

(Broken up deep inside

But you won't get to

See the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes)

We waited another year before trying for another baby. I was scared. I didn't want to miscarry again. I was afraid I had caused the last one. You were mildly supportive. Not like you were with your first child though. I found more support with my mother and doctor than I found in you. I had been completely open to you. I never kept anything from you….and when I was eight months pregnant….you had went and got a credit card…hiding it from me until you couldn't possibly hide it anymore. Knowing our baby was on the way you didn't offer to buy our new daughter any clothes or baby needs. You let me sit there and worry about how we were going to get our baby clothes while you didn't care.

I had serious complications with this pregnancy. But when you didn't seem that concerned about it and more concerned about if I was fucking you or not that's when I realized we were on a downward spiral. I tried to save it. I really tried to save our relationship. While you just seemed to give up.

(I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life)

As it got closer to having our youngest baby I kept telling myself all the stuff you had told me when we first got together. Together forever. That you loved me and you'd never leave me. Most of all that you would never cheat on me. That you didn't believe in it.

I had given birth to our youngest baby in May of this year. When she was born….it was like she was a disease to you. I just wanted to cry. You avoided me like I was some kind of plague. Me and our youngest while our oldest child you adored. You just wanted to spend all of your time with her and disregard me and your baby. I kept holding on to that hope though that we could save this. That we could make it work. I would put up masks for the outside world. I would smile and act as happy as I should have been. But on the inside I was anything but. I had fallen into a depression that was fueled by your lack of want for me and the baby.

(Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together but so broken up

Inside)

We only had sex once after the baby was born. I had went on birth control because the pregnancy was dangerous on me. Then…after three years of trying to get me to fuck you almost every night….you suddenly stopped asking. You stopped bringing it up. I will admit I probably snapped at you more than I should have. My attitude probably drove you away. But that's something I'm not changing for anyone. I am who I am. No one should have to change for someone else.

Our baby was a few weeks old when it started. When the lies started. When the secretiveness started. You trusted me at one time. But now you wouldn't even tell me where you were going when you would leave at night.

(Cause I can't breathe

No I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on…).

You went to school and you went to work. Time was something you didn't have a lot of. I understood that and I stood by you no matter what. But then whatever free time you did have. You took off. You wouldn't spend any time with even our oldest daughter anymore. I had to watch my child's eyes fill with tears when you would leave and I couldn't explain to her why her daddy was leaving.

(Here I am once again

I'm torn into pieces)

This went on for four months almost. You leaving up until all hours of the night saying it was school or it was work. Or that you had work meetings. My mother had been telling me all along….but I didn't believe her. Now I wish I had. She tried to tell me the signs. I was in denial because I trusted you you had never given me any reason to not trust you.

(Can't deny it

Can't pretend

Just thought you were the one)

Then when I thought we were actually going to work it out….you said you were working with a co-worker and she had bought you a cell phone. You a married man with two kids. That's when my hopes and dreams crumbled. I kind of knew…..my mother knew all along. But deep down I knew it too. I just didn't want to admit it. My damned pride wouldn't let me.

You told me one night you were going over to your father's. I went on what my instincts were telling me and I went to your father's house to see if you were there. You weren't. You lied to my face. Then when I tried calling your cell phone….I got your voice mail. You made a mistake you gave me her cell phone number. I called that number…and her voice mail came on. I had to swallow my tears because I had no hardcore proof. I still didn't want to believe it.

(Broken up deep inside

But you won't get to

See the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes)

But the nail in the coffin was when you took off again one night. My mother followed you…and found you going to her house. You couldn't even tell me to my face. You couldn't look at me and tell me you were seeing someone else while being married to me. It took my mother telling me with you sitting there silent.

I had trusted you. I had given you pieces of my heart that I didn't keep locked away. I couldn't give you all my heart. I just couldn't. That lingering fear that will always be in me. It will only get worse now thanks to you. My mother had caught you holding hands and kissing this girl. French trying to shove a tongue down someone's throat kissing. She was rubbing up against you like some kind of whore and my mother said you acted like 14 year olds. And you're 23. You admitted to all of it though. That you had been seeing this girl since our baby was two weeks old. I wanted nothing more than to strangle you and beat you till I couldn't see straight….

You said you had instigated it. That you started the relationship. She was the voice of reason. Well she wasn't that much of a voice of reason if she relented so easily. I didn't know what the hell was going on. I could feel my very being shatter at the words that you said you didn't love me anymore. And that you couldn't tell me you loved me when you didn't mean it. My love for you has grown into hatred. Everyone at your work knew you were seeing this girl….and that you were married. The thought that I might have been sitting at home worried sick didn't cross your mind did it? You were only thinking about yourself. You didn't even consider your children! The children who are now dragged into something they shouldn't have to witness. The only good part about the kids is that they are too young to remember this. I hate you for what you've done to me and our girls.

(Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you I blame myself)

I can't even look at you the same now. I thought you would have more respect for me and the kids than to go behind my back and sleep with another woman. You didn't help my self esteem any either. Anyone who has ever seen this girl has said I look ten times better than her and I never thought I looked good in the first place. I seen her myself and I wanted to punch her. You say you fell in love with her personality. That she loved life and that she was happy go lucky. I say she was an easy fuck. I don't see what is to like about her. I can still remember getting on the phone with her and calling her a whore that should go back to the street corner. I was furious….I still am to a point. Not really for me anymore. But for my kids. That little bitch took my kids' daddy away. That I can never forgive her for. I can't even forgive you for what you've done to my babies.

(Seeing you it kills me now

Though I don't cry on the outside

Anymore!)

(Anymore!)

I won't let you have the satisfaction in seeing me cry. I refuse it. I cried in front of you the night I found out….then never again. But I don't feel what I should be feeling when I know you're still seeing the little slut. I feel like a piece of trash thrown out on the curb. That I wasn't good enough so that's why you went off with this little girl of yours. She was younger than me! And I'm only 21. You have no idea just how shattered I am. But I'll end up doing the same thing I've always done. Put up my masks and pretend I'm alright even though I'm the farthest thing from!

(Here I am once again

I'm torn into pieces)

Now we're going through a divorce and a child custody battle. I know about the rumors that you have spread about me. I know about what you've told others. I know you intend to stay with this girl. And I know about her wanting to raise OUR kids with you. It's not going to happen. I can't let you win don't you see that? I can't let you see how broken you have me. I can't let you see what you've done to me. I loved you I would have done anything for you….but it was all an illusion huh? You tool what you wanted from me and then nothing else mattered.

(Can't deny it

Can't pretend

Just thought you were the one)

But don't trouble yourself with thoughts of if I'm alright. I'm stronger than what you think. I will not let my girls see a broken down little girl. I want them to see a strong willed woman. So that when they grow up…and if they go through the same thing I have. They will be able to remember their mother held her head high and fought the rumors and fought the pain. That she fought and she never gave up. I want them to remember their mother being a fighter and a survivor….so that they may grow up to become survivors too. In such a world where love means nothing….I want to give my daughters the knowledge that even if they don't find love….to never give up who you are. I want them to be able to look at a man and say `no. You can't change me. You can't change who I am. So don't try'

On the outside I will be strong and I will pretend that it doesn't bother me to see you with her. That it doesn't bother me hearing you on your cell phone talking to her when you are with your kids. That it doesn't bother me she was worth more to you than me and your kids. But on the inside I'm dying more and more. On the inside I'm curled up in a corner letting myself shatter. On the inside my walls are crumbling and I'm scrambling to bring them back up before it's too late.

(Broken up deep inside

But you won't get to

See the tears I cry!)

(Behind these hazel eyes!)

(Here I am once again

I'm torn into pieces)

You will never know of the tears I cry late at night when the girls are asleep. You will never know my torment. You will never know what my inner demons are whispering in my ear….what they are feeding off of…

(Can't deny it

Can't pretend

Just thought you were the one)

I don't know if I will ever be the same. Or if I'll ever be able to love again. You made me reinforce the invisible barriers around me. To keep from getting hurt. To keep from feeling the same emotions again. But just so you know…I was devoted to you. I was faithful to you. I may have been a bitch….and even though you say I forced you to commit adultery….I never twisted your arm behind your back. I never forced you to do anything. I probably was a bitch. And for that I'm truly sorry. But I'm not the one who's changed over the years. I just toughened up a bit from 8th grade. Maybe that's why you think I've changed. That I won't take shit from anyone. That I stand up for what I believe. Outspoken, brassy, crude and sarcastic. That's what I am. If that classifies me as a bitch then so be it I'm a bitch. After all what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

(Broken up deep inside

But you won't get to

See the tears I cry!)

I hope when you fuck her that you remember in the back of your mind what you gave up to be with her. I hope she's worth it to you. I hope she's worth the four years we spent married together. I hope she's worth your three year old and your five month old girls. I hope she's worth your college education because you're throwing that away for her too.

Obliviously I wasn't worth it to you. Although I feel the aftershocks very clearly…..I will never tell you to your face what you've done to me. My greatest inspirations now are our girls. They keep me going. They keep me from falling into oblivion. I'm on a direct path to destroying myself mentally and destroying my own self esteem. After all if you were willing to give me up at 21 for a younger girl….but who's to say if you weren't going to do it when I was 41. I don't want sympathy. I don't want pity. I just want you to know so that when you see me on the street you will never get the pleasure in seeing tears in my eyes over you. You will never get to see me broken. When I break down I'm going to make sure you aren't there to watch me. What you will see is what the rest of the world will see. A determined and strong willed young woman doing anything it takes to support her children and raise them the best way I know how. Only I will know what lies beneath the masks and barriers….and when my children grow up. I will tell them just as I've said it here. I will tell them the truth. They don't deserve to be lied to. They deserve at least the truth and that's what I will give to them. And maybe by then….I'll be able to face my own demons…..

(Behind these hazel eyes….)