Fan Fiction ❯ Big Brother Darunia ❯ Zelda's Birthday Party! ( Chapter 7 )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: Galaxy_Girl 
All of Hyrule (including the already evicted contestants...) comes out to celebrate Zelda's 18th birthday with grand style... KARAOKE!!!!
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Mystery / Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.29.2002 | Pages: 11 | Words: 4.0K | Visits: 614 | Status: Completed
All of Hyrule (including the already evicted contestants...) comes out to celebrate Zelda's 18th birthday with grand style... KARAOKE!!!!
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Mystery / Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.29.2002 | Pages: 11 | Words: 4.0K | Visits: 614 | Status: Completed
Big Brother Darunia: A Reality Fan Fiction
Show Seven: Zelda's Birthday Party
By Galaxy Girl
BIG BROTHER DARUNIA is brought to you by the following sponsor:
(Scene: Outside Kakariko Village. Adult Link and Malon stand next to a tree, looking up at the branches.)
Link: Hmm...
Malon: Hmm...
(Link picks up a rock off of the ground and throws it up at the tree.)
Link: Hmm...
Malon: Hmm...
(Malon picks up a rock and throws it up at the tree.)
Link: Hmm...
Malon: Hmm...
(Finally, Link takes an arrow, puts it in his bow, and fires it into the tree. Epona falls out of the tree and crashes to the ground.)
Epona: (whinnies)
(Malon helps Epona up, and Link climbs on top of the horse. Malon and Link wave goodbye, and Link rides off to another adventure.)
Malon: (yelling) Next time don't use so many carrots!
Announcer: You have a horse. Use it wisely. Sponsored by the Lon-Lon Ranch Society for Protection of Horse Over-Use.
(Scene: Big Brother Darunia title room. The theme song to "Masterpiece Theater" plays in the background, and Little Link has a small fake mustache on.)
LL: Good evening, and welcome to Big Brother Darunia. Now that we are seven weeks into the show, we've all come to know a little more about our favorite characters from Ocarina of Time. Like, for instance, did you know that Saria's favorite movie is The Terminator? And that Malon's favorite kind of music is classical pop? This week, we'll learn much more about our favorite video game characters in this week's very special edition Big Brother! Enjoy this week's show, everyone!
(Scene: Zelda's room. It seems the Princess of Hyrule is in a bad mood this morning.)
Zelda: I can't believe they are showing presidential election coverage instead of the Price is Right! The nerve!
TV: And the action is thrilling out here, John! There's nothing but...
(Zelda changes channel)
TV: ...Excitement out here as we re-count the votes to determine...
(Changes channel)
TV: ...Who is the rightful winner of this year's election!
(She changes the channel, finding that every channel has decided to do the same.)
Zelda: Aw man! Hey wait, this channel has something else on! What is it?
TV: (singing) I love you, you love me! We're best friends like friends should be! With a great big hug and a...
Zelda: It figures. Today is the worst day out of the whole year for there to be garbage on TV!
(Link walks into the room,)
Link: Hey Zelly, how you doing?
Zelda: I told you not to call me that.
Link: Well, whatever. Anyway, come here! I have to show you something!
Zelda: Link, I'm really not in the mood today. Today is...
Link: Oh come on! It's really cool!
Zelda: OH FINE!
(Link grabs her by the arm and drags her through the castle corridors down to the ballroom.)
Link: It's really cool, and you'll love it!
Zelda: Link, just tell me what it is!
Link: OK... Zelda...
(Link opens the ballroom door)
All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZELDA!
Zelda: Oh my goodness!
(Everyone is gathered in the ballroom with a huge banner that says "Happy birthday!" stretched across the room. All the former contestants are there, too.)
Zelda: This is great! Where you two come from?
(She points at Nabooru and Ruto, who are wearing funky party hats)
Nabooru: Little Link gave us permission to come back for the party!
Ruto: And they let me come out of the loony bin for today, too!
(She sees Link hiding behind Darunia on the other side of the room.)
Ruto: Hi Link...
Saria: We've arranged games, and food, and everything!
Saria's Fairy: Yeah, and a Karaoke machine!
Zelda: Wow, guys, this is great! But where's Rauru? And...
Darunia: Rauru's coming later.
Zelda: But what about Impa? Is she coming?
(The other contestants sigh and look at the floor.)
Malon: Zelda, Impa is on her honeymoon with Ganondorf! She couldn't make it.
Zelda: I understand. But really! She's my best friend, and she couldn't even make it to my birthday!
(Suddenly, the front door flies open, and we hear a low voice singing the wedding song.)
Ganondorf: Ba da ba bum! Ba Da ta dum!
Impa: Oh Ganon! I'm so glad you let me come back for today!
(Zelda runs out into the hallway in time to see Ganondorf carrying Impa in the door. He is wearing a tux, and she is wearing a wedding dress.)
Zelda: Impa! You came back!
Impa: Of course. Now that you're 18, I don't need to take care of you anymore.
Zelda: Thank you all!
Link: Oh, but we're just getting started! Bring in the cake!
(Saria and Nabooru wheel in a giant birthday cake. A sugar Triforce is on top.)
Zelda: Wow! Who made that?
Darunia: I did!
(The contestants make weird faces and look at the Goron King, who is smiling blissfully)
Darunia: I attended the finest Goron cooking school in Hyrule!
All: Phew!
(Ruto passes out forks, and Impa passes out plates)
Link: Here Zelda. Cut the cake!
(He pulls out the Master Sword and hands it to her.)
Zelda: Um, OK...
(Zelda goes up and is about to cut the cake, when suddenly, Rauru pops out of the cake in a thong, singing in a high lisping voice)
Rauru: (Singing in a lisp) Happy birthday... Princess Zelda... Happy birthday to you...
Zelda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Rauru: (still singing) LET ME SEE THAT THONG! Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong!
Nabooru: All right, who put Rauru in the cake?
(Ganondorf erupts into giggles)
Impa: Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: (giggling) Sorry love, I couldn't help myself!
Impa: That's so cute! Tee hee hee!
Everyone else: Oh brother!
(Scene: Later. Everyone has eaten their cake, and now they are all chatting)
Saria: So Nabooru, what have you been up to?
Nabooru: When I left, I started attending college.
Saria: College?
Nabooru: Yep, I'm a psychology major!
Saria's Fairy: Isn't that the people who sit you down on the couch and ask you about your problems?
Nabooru: For once you are actually right.
Saria's Fairy: (Flings herself down on Nabooru's lap) It all started when Saria was born... DO YOU KNOW THE PRESSURE OF NOT HAVING A NAME? IT'S HORRIBLE!
Saria: Oh! I had no idea you felt that way! I feel terrible!
Nabooru: Is there anything I can help with?
Saria's Fairy: I'd like a name...
Nabooru: Lucky you! There is something I can do!
Saria: What is it?
Nabooru: It's called interactive reading. (To camera) OK, loyal Big Brother Darunia readers, you heard the fairy! She wants a name. So, that's where you come in! If you think you have a good name for Saria's Fairy, just leave it in your review. The Grand Prize: Your name for Saria's Fairy will be included in the rest of the BBD fan fictions! And in every other fan fiction that features her that Galaxy Girl writes! So, send in your names!
Saria: Are you sure that's going to work?
Nabooru: Of course.
Saria: What if someone puts in a joke name, like "Saria's Fairy should be named 'annoying'?" What about that?
Nabooru: The author will just pick the best one.
Saria's Fairy: (To camera) Oh, and nothing stupid like "Little Saria"! There are already too many "Little" people in this game!
(Meanwhile, Link and Ruto continue where they left off in episode 6.)
Ruto: Link, why do you hate me?
Link: Because you love me.
Ruto: That's a pretty dumb reason. Have you ever thought about what I feel like?
Link: Well, no, but I...
Ruto: I lie awake at night! I drive myself crazy! I can't stop thinking about your sexy pointy ears! And your hot blonde hair! And how you have both ears pierced!
Link: Can we bring this up another time Ruto?
Ruto: ... And how you look so hot in a Zora tunic! And how you are so brave and heroic! And how sexy you looked when you killed that giant amoeba! And how cool you looked when you destroyed that jellyfish! ARRRGH!
Link: Please don't make this hard, Ruto...
Ruto: (singing) EVERY LITTLE THING I DO! NEVER SEEMS ENOUGH FOR YOU! YOU DON'T WANNA LOSE IT AGAIN! BUT I'M NOT LIKE THEM!
Link: Stop singing...
Ruto: (still singing) L IS FOR THE WAY YOU LAUGHED AT ME! O IS FOR THE ONLY ONE I LIKE! V IS VERY, VERY SEXY AND NOT HAIRY AND E IS EVEN MORE THAN ANY ZORA COULD ADORE! LINK, I'M ALL THAT I CAN GIVE TO YOU...
Link: I'll call the nuthouse!
Ruto: Why would you do that?
Link: Because I don't like you!
Ruto: I'll never understand you Hylians. You're such stupid creatures!
Link: (sigh)
(Darunia talks with the newlyweds Impa and Ganondorf, and Rauru watches on.)
Darunia: So how's married life? A little responsibility is good, eh?
Impa: It's wonderful! He's my strong manly man, and...
Ganondorf: She's my beautiful maiden!
Rauru: GO AROUND! GO AROUND! GO AROUND, AROUND, AROUND!
Darunia: He's never going to be exactly the same, is he?
Impa: I thought they were going to make him be like Elvis or something.
Ganondorf: I've never liked that guy.
Rauru: (In Elvis voice) Thank you very much!
Darunia: Chill out, old guy! It's really OK...
Rauru: (giggling) I like cheese...
Ganondorf: Oh brother.
Darunia: I kind of like him this way. He doesn't get on your nerves.
Impa: Just like my Ganny-Poo!
Ganondorf: Impy-Wuvvy...
Darunia: That's enough of that. I'm going to talk to Saria.
(He walks away.)
Rauru: GO AROUND! I like beef... It's what's for dinner! Buda bum bum!
Ganondorf: ...
Impa: ...
(They're kissing)
Saria: (yelling) Hey guys! The Karaoke machine is here!
Zelda: Oh man...
(Scene: The Karaoke machine scene. A music montage of the contestants singing.)
Link: (singing) I'm a man without conviction! I always, uh... blah, blah, yadda, blah!
(Next singer)
Ganondorf: I always try to sell a contradiction!
Impa: (next to him) You come and go! You come and go!
(Next)
Nabooru: Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon!
(Next)
Darunia: (singing Saria's song) Do de do! Do de do! Do de do de do dode... hey wait!
(Next)
Malon: You come and go! You come and go!
(Next)
Saria: Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream!
Saria's Fairy: Red, gold, and green! Red, gold, and green!
(Next)
Zelda: This is so dumb! I don't know the words for this!
(Next)
Ruto: I always try to sell a contradiction! I LOVE YOU LINK!
(Next)
Rauru: GO AROUND! GO AROUND!
(Next)
Impa: Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon!
Ganondorf: You come and go! You come and go!
(Next)
Nabooru: Red, gold, and green!
(Next)
Darunia: RED GOLD AND GREEEEEEEN!
(He dances around for the rest of the song)
(Scene: Later. Zelda is opening her presents)
Zelda: This one's from Link. Let's see what it is...
Link: I made it myself!
(Zelda opens it up to reveal a recorded CD.)
Link: play a few songs off of it right now!
(Zelda slips it into a nearby CD player, and she hears a few seconds of this)
Link on CD: I ALWAYS TRY TO SELL MY CONTRADICTION! YOU COME AND GO! YOU COME AND...
Zelda: (trying to hide her disappointment) Oh wow! It's so great! Thank you, Link!
(She takes out the CD and throws it aside.)
Darunia: Here Zelda. Open mine! Mine is the best!
(Zelda opens up... a rock.)
Zelda: Gee, thanks Darunia. I guess I could use another paperweight...
Darunia: Oh, don't sound so excited!
Zelda: I'm trying not to, believe me.
Impa: Here. Ganondorf and I whipped this up on the way over, so if it's broken, I'm sorry. I'll fix it.
(She hands Zelda a gigantic box. The princess opens it, revealing another box. So on, so forth, until she finally finds a small box. She opens it.)
Zelda: Is this what I think it is?
(She pulls out a music box. Zelda winds up the key, and it plays "Zelda's Lullaby")
Zelda: Impa, this is great!
Impa: Since I'm going away to live with Ganondorf, I figured you could use some help falling asleep.
Zelda: Thank you so much!
(Zelda hugs her nanny.)
Nabooru: That's so sweet! Whatever. OPEN MINE NEXT! OPEN MINE NEXT!
(She hands Zelda what looks like a severed head covered in wrapping paper.)
Zelda: Um, maybe I'd better not...
Nabooru: Go ahead!
(Zelda pulls away the wrapping paper to show a giant sized Ocarina.)
Zelda: It's... lovely.
Nabooru: It's from all the other Gerudos and me. It's a baritone Ocarina!
Zelda: Right... Saria, what did you bring?
Saria: My fairy and I brought this. It isn't much, but it's all we could get.
(Zelda opens the tiny box that Saria's Fairy gave her, and gasps)
Zelda: It's a 14 carat gold leaf... leaf!
(She pulls out a small pin shaped like a leaf.)
Zelda: I like it. It's nicer than some other presents I've gotten.
(She eyes Darunia, who is hard at work eating the rock that he gave her.)
Darunia: Sorry. I got hungry!
Ruto: I got you this. It was for Link, but then I remembered your birthday.
(She hands Zelda a fish in a bottle)
Zelda: (slightly sarcastic) Thanks...
Malon: My dad and I got you something too.
(Malon leads in a small white horse)
Zelda: OH WOW! THIS IS SO COOL! What's its name?
Malon: The horse? Why would you care? We're giving you the saddle.
Zelda: The saddle?
Malon: No, just joking.
Ganondorf: Did Rauru bring a present?
Nurse Accompanying Him: I think that was it.
(She points at the mess of glue and paper all over his head)
Zelda: Uh, yeah. Thanks everyone. These are great presents!
(Doorbell rings)
Impa: Now who could that be?
(She answers the door, and someone hands her a huge package.)
Impa: Gee Zelda, looks like it's from your parents!
Zelda: My parents? What could it be?
(Zelda rips off the wrapping paper and screams.)
Zelda: AAAA! IT'S AN N64!
Everyone Else: Cool! Let's open it!
Link: Hey look guys! There's a game inside!
Ganondorf: Oh goody! What game?
Saria: It looks like Zelda: Ocarina of Time!
Ganondorf: Shoot! I hate that game!
(Scene: The ballroom, two hours later. Ganondorf tries his hand at Zelda64)
Ganondorf: Shoot! Why am I so hard to beat?
Link: Gee, if you can't do it...
Ganondorf: Oh, shut up!
(He turns back to the TV and screams in rage.)
Ganondorf: AAARRGH! I just blew you up, Link!
Link: Really? (He flashes red and yells in real life) WHHOOOA! OUCH! THAT REALLY HURT!
Ruto: Hey, you really feel it when someone gets hurt in that game? Cool! Let me try!
(Ruto takes the controller and presses a few buttons. Ganondorf and Link both flash red and scream)
Ganon and Link: OW! OWOWOWOWOW!
Impa: Ruto, cut it out!
Zelda: I don't remember this part... what's going on?
Malon: Link just killed Ganondorf and you guys are escaping out of the castle!
Zelda: Cool. Why are all those rocks falling? ARRRGH!
(Zelda onscreen is hit by a rock. Nabooru and Malon burst out laughing)
Zelda: Shut up!
Saria: Oh good! You and Zelda got out, Link.
(The room is silent for a few seconds, and the entire group screams)
All: WAAA! IT'S A... pig?
Ganondorf: I turned into a PIG?
Link: HAHA! Now watch Ruto kick your butt! On the game, I mean.
Ruto: Hey Ganondorf, you're really easy to kill, aren't you?
Ganondorf: Not really! In real life I'd whup you guys good!
Darunia: (Pointing at TV) Hey, look! There we are, guys! (singing) Go, Hyrule Six Sages go!
Nabooru: Holy cow! Is my butt really that big?
Saria: Am I really that short?
Ruto: Oh jeez, my makeup is running in that shot!
Darunia: I am not that fat!
Impa: Wow, I have WAY too much eye shadow on in that shot.
Saria's Fairy: Hey, where am I? They cut me out of the Chamber of Sages! NOT FAIR!
Rauru: Ooh... pretty lights...
Malon: I wish I was a Sage!
Ruto: WOOHOO! I WON THE GAME! I am so good!
Link: Well, now what do we do?
Nabooru: I know! Karaoke time again!
Zelda: Oh please, no!
(Another Karaoke montage)
Saria: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know!
(Next)
Ruto: If you really need me, just reach out and touch me, come on Linky tell me so!
Link: Shut up!
(Next)
Darunia: Na, Na, Na, NA, Na!
Malon: You sexy baby!
Darunia: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
Malon: You drive me crazy!
Darunia: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
(Next)
Link: Na, Na, Na, NA, NA!
Ruto: You sexy baby!
Link: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
Ruto: You drive me crazy!
Link: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
(Next)
Nabooru: I said If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know!
(Next)
Impa: If you really need me, just reach out and touch me, come on Ganon tell me so!
Ganondorf: YEAH BABY!
(Next)
Malon: Na, Na, Na, NA, Na!
Link: YOU SEXY BABY!
Malon: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
Link: YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!
Malon: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
(Next)
Zelda: Na, Na, Na, WHATEVER! I HATE KARAOKE!
(Next)
Rauru: GO AROUND! GO AROUND! GO AROUND!
(Scene: The ballroom. The group has decided to start dancing. Ganondorf and Impa are sitting on the couch and talking.)
Ganondorf: Oh Impa... your hair is so shiny and silvery today!
Impa: Thank you, but you look so sad.
Ganondorf: I'm thinking about my mothers. They died one year ago today.
Impa: Oh. They sound like they were wonderful people. I wonder what they're doing now...
(Actually, at that second, Koume and Kotake had reached their destination of Zora's Domain, and they are trying to associate with King Zora.)
(Twinrova stand next to the royal platform.)
Koume: Good grief, that guy is fat...
Kotake: Shut up, Koume! He may be our last chance to find and destroy the Hero of Time!
Koume: Whatever. Hey Fatty!
Kotake: (slaps her) I mean, your highness, we are from the desert.
King Zora: Oh, I see. Princess Ruto went to the Water Temple.
Koume: That's not what we said. We want to know where the Hero of Time is. We wanna kill him.
King Zora: Ruto, eh? Oh, she is a sweet and adorable thing, isn't she?
Kotake: What's up with this Ruto gal? Why do you always talk about her?
King Zora: She is my beloved and adored and beautiful daughter, and I love her to death!
Koume: That's exactly what we want to do to Link! Love him to death...
King Zora: Ruto, sweet Ruto! Where for art thou?
Kotake: Goddesses! Why won't he shut up about his daughter?
King Zora: That reminds me... Biggoron invited me to another picnic on Death Mountain next month. I'd better get moving!
Koume: Biggoron?
Kotake: Who's that?
King Zora: He was my childhood friend. Ruto knows him.
Koume: You think he might know something about the Hero?
Kotake: What the hey? Let's go see! To Death Mountain!
King Zora: Me too! I better get moving to Death Mountain! Zora!
(King Zora starts moving to the side and off the platform on his way to Death Mountain. He of course, moves slower than a drop of frozen water in the tundra.)
Koume: You've got to be kidding me!
Kotake: If he keeps moving like that, he'll get there sometime before... the next millennium.
Koume: Come on, let's go.
(The two witches leave King Zora to his journey.)
King Zora: (Singing) Rollin', rollin', rollin! Keep them fishies Rollin'! Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'! RAWHIDE!
(Scene: Little Link arrives at the castle to break the bad news to the new evictee.)
LL: So Dad, what's been going on today?
Darunia: It's Zelda's birthday, and we planned a party for her.
LL: I see. Is there any cake left?
(The two Gorons walk into the room to see that someone has suggested Karaoke... again. Zelda sits in the corner of the room slamming her head against the wall.)
Zelda: MAKE IT STOP!
Nabooru: (Singing) Some times I feel I want to...
Saria's Fairy: EH- EH!
Impa: (Singing) Get away! I want to...
Saria's Fairy: EH-EH!
Malon: Get away from all pain you drive into the heart of me!
Saria's Fairy: EH-EH!
Saria: Hey, we're done with that part!
LL: Attention, everyone! I'm here! And I have the name of the next evictee!
All male contestants: THANK GOODNESS!
LL: I take it this has been going on a while.
Link: Hours! Please, tell us who is leaving!
LL: This week's evictee is... Zelda!
All: ZELDA?
Zelda: ME? But...but... it's my birthday!
LL: I'm sorry. But the readers have spoken.
Zelda: Aw, MAN!
LL: Zelda, you have a half an hour to get all your belongings and scram.
Zelda: Hey! But I live here!
Darunia: Actually, at the beginning of the show, your parents signed a contract that said that they would leave the castle until the show was over. That means you.
Zelda: CRIPES!
Impa: Sorry about that Zelda. You can come stay with Ganny-Poo and me until the show is over.
Zelda: (Sarcastically) Oh boy. I can't wait.
LL: And as for all you other former contestants, you need to leave too!
Former contestants: AW!
Rauru: (singing) Starlight city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire! VIVA LAS VEGAS! VIVA LAS VEGAS!
Nurse: Here, I'll take him back home.
Nabooru: Well, back to the books.
Ganondorf: Come on, Impy-Wuvvy. Let's go home...
Impa: Coming, honey! (She leaps into his arms and Zelda follows them out the door growling.)
Ruto: I guess this is goodbye Link... again.
Link: Yeah, whatever. Good riddance, Ruto!
Ruto: Just remember... I'll always love you.
Link: I'll try not to.
(The other contestants leave, and the only ones left in the castle are Saria, her fairy, Link, Darunia, and Malon.)
Darunia: Sweet! Now we can use all of Zelda's new stuff!
(Suddenly, Zelda runs back inside)
Zelda: NO! THEY'RE MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!
(She snatches up all of the stuff and runs away.)
Link: Darn. Well, I guess we're stuck in this heck-hole for another week.
All: Crud.
LL: Don't worry. Darunia and Malon have another chance to leave next week!
Malon: I'm elected again?
Darunia: YAY! THEY VOTED FOR ME! But is that a good thing?
LL: You really scare me sometimes Dad.
Darunia: I love you too, son!
(He runs over and grabs his son in a headlock)
Darunia: Who's daddy's favorite Goron? Who's daddy's favorite Goron?
LL: I AM! I AM! NOW STOP IT!
Link: (whispered to Saria) Looks like they're bonding. I'd better close up this week.
AHEM! So, next week we'll surprise everyone with a real special episode. And we'll find out who the next evictee is. So, please stay tuned for more episodes of BBD, and remember... Big Brother Darunia...
Darunia and LL: He's watching you!
LL: OW! CUT IT OUT, DAD! COME ON! PLEEEASE? STOP IT!
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This game has been messed up by: Galaxy Girl
Galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
President, Webmaster of Planet Universe Comix Co.
PLANET UNIVERSE: Saving the world with Cheapo comics!
LEGEND OF ZELDA and all related stuff is a registered trademark of Nintendo of America. No infringement of Copyright is intended.
And also: Sorry to Levi jeans for screwing up their "Chameleon" commercials. If you haven't seen them: Trust me, you'll know when you do.
Show Seven: Zelda's Birthday Party
By Galaxy Girl
BIG BROTHER DARUNIA is brought to you by the following sponsor:
(Scene: Outside Kakariko Village. Adult Link and Malon stand next to a tree, looking up at the branches.)
Link: Hmm...
Malon: Hmm...
(Link picks up a rock off of the ground and throws it up at the tree.)
Link: Hmm...
Malon: Hmm...
(Malon picks up a rock and throws it up at the tree.)
Link: Hmm...
Malon: Hmm...
(Finally, Link takes an arrow, puts it in his bow, and fires it into the tree. Epona falls out of the tree and crashes to the ground.)
Epona: (whinnies)
(Malon helps Epona up, and Link climbs on top of the horse. Malon and Link wave goodbye, and Link rides off to another adventure.)
Malon: (yelling) Next time don't use so many carrots!
Announcer: You have a horse. Use it wisely. Sponsored by the Lon-Lon Ranch Society for Protection of Horse Over-Use.
(Scene: Big Brother Darunia title room. The theme song to "Masterpiece Theater" plays in the background, and Little Link has a small fake mustache on.)
LL: Good evening, and welcome to Big Brother Darunia. Now that we are seven weeks into the show, we've all come to know a little more about our favorite characters from Ocarina of Time. Like, for instance, did you know that Saria's favorite movie is The Terminator? And that Malon's favorite kind of music is classical pop? This week, we'll learn much more about our favorite video game characters in this week's very special edition Big Brother! Enjoy this week's show, everyone!
(Scene: Zelda's room. It seems the Princess of Hyrule is in a bad mood this morning.)
Zelda: I can't believe they are showing presidential election coverage instead of the Price is Right! The nerve!
TV: And the action is thrilling out here, John! There's nothing but...
(Zelda changes channel)
TV: ...Excitement out here as we re-count the votes to determine...
(Changes channel)
TV: ...Who is the rightful winner of this year's election!
(She changes the channel, finding that every channel has decided to do the same.)
Zelda: Aw man! Hey wait, this channel has something else on! What is it?
TV: (singing) I love you, you love me! We're best friends like friends should be! With a great big hug and a...
Zelda: It figures. Today is the worst day out of the whole year for there to be garbage on TV!
(Link walks into the room,)
Link: Hey Zelly, how you doing?
Zelda: I told you not to call me that.
Link: Well, whatever. Anyway, come here! I have to show you something!
Zelda: Link, I'm really not in the mood today. Today is...
Link: Oh come on! It's really cool!
Zelda: OH FINE!
(Link grabs her by the arm and drags her through the castle corridors down to the ballroom.)
Link: It's really cool, and you'll love it!
Zelda: Link, just tell me what it is!
Link: OK... Zelda...
(Link opens the ballroom door)
All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZELDA!
Zelda: Oh my goodness!
(Everyone is gathered in the ballroom with a huge banner that says "Happy birthday!" stretched across the room. All the former contestants are there, too.)
Zelda: This is great! Where you two come from?
(She points at Nabooru and Ruto, who are wearing funky party hats)
Nabooru: Little Link gave us permission to come back for the party!
Ruto: And they let me come out of the loony bin for today, too!
(She sees Link hiding behind Darunia on the other side of the room.)
Ruto: Hi Link...
Saria: We've arranged games, and food, and everything!
Saria's Fairy: Yeah, and a Karaoke machine!
Zelda: Wow, guys, this is great! But where's Rauru? And...
Darunia: Rauru's coming later.
Zelda: But what about Impa? Is she coming?
(The other contestants sigh and look at the floor.)
Malon: Zelda, Impa is on her honeymoon with Ganondorf! She couldn't make it.
Zelda: I understand. But really! She's my best friend, and she couldn't even make it to my birthday!
(Suddenly, the front door flies open, and we hear a low voice singing the wedding song.)
Ganondorf: Ba da ba bum! Ba Da ta dum!
Impa: Oh Ganon! I'm so glad you let me come back for today!
(Zelda runs out into the hallway in time to see Ganondorf carrying Impa in the door. He is wearing a tux, and she is wearing a wedding dress.)
Zelda: Impa! You came back!
Impa: Of course. Now that you're 18, I don't need to take care of you anymore.
Zelda: Thank you all!
Link: Oh, but we're just getting started! Bring in the cake!
(Saria and Nabooru wheel in a giant birthday cake. A sugar Triforce is on top.)
Zelda: Wow! Who made that?
Darunia: I did!
(The contestants make weird faces and look at the Goron King, who is smiling blissfully)
Darunia: I attended the finest Goron cooking school in Hyrule!
All: Phew!
(Ruto passes out forks, and Impa passes out plates)
Link: Here Zelda. Cut the cake!
(He pulls out the Master Sword and hands it to her.)
Zelda: Um, OK...
(Zelda goes up and is about to cut the cake, when suddenly, Rauru pops out of the cake in a thong, singing in a high lisping voice)
Rauru: (Singing in a lisp) Happy birthday... Princess Zelda... Happy birthday to you...
Zelda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Rauru: (still singing) LET ME SEE THAT THONG! Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong!
Nabooru: All right, who put Rauru in the cake?
(Ganondorf erupts into giggles)
Impa: Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: (giggling) Sorry love, I couldn't help myself!
Impa: That's so cute! Tee hee hee!
Everyone else: Oh brother!
(Scene: Later. Everyone has eaten their cake, and now they are all chatting)
Saria: So Nabooru, what have you been up to?
Nabooru: When I left, I started attending college.
Saria: College?
Nabooru: Yep, I'm a psychology major!
Saria's Fairy: Isn't that the people who sit you down on the couch and ask you about your problems?
Nabooru: For once you are actually right.
Saria's Fairy: (Flings herself down on Nabooru's lap) It all started when Saria was born... DO YOU KNOW THE PRESSURE OF NOT HAVING A NAME? IT'S HORRIBLE!
Saria: Oh! I had no idea you felt that way! I feel terrible!
Nabooru: Is there anything I can help with?
Saria's Fairy: I'd like a name...
Nabooru: Lucky you! There is something I can do!
Saria: What is it?
Nabooru: It's called interactive reading. (To camera) OK, loyal Big Brother Darunia readers, you heard the fairy! She wants a name. So, that's where you come in! If you think you have a good name for Saria's Fairy, just leave it in your review. The Grand Prize: Your name for Saria's Fairy will be included in the rest of the BBD fan fictions! And in every other fan fiction that features her that Galaxy Girl writes! So, send in your names!
Saria: Are you sure that's going to work?
Nabooru: Of course.
Saria: What if someone puts in a joke name, like "Saria's Fairy should be named 'annoying'?" What about that?
Nabooru: The author will just pick the best one.
Saria's Fairy: (To camera) Oh, and nothing stupid like "Little Saria"! There are already too many "Little" people in this game!
(Meanwhile, Link and Ruto continue where they left off in episode 6.)
Ruto: Link, why do you hate me?
Link: Because you love me.
Ruto: That's a pretty dumb reason. Have you ever thought about what I feel like?
Link: Well, no, but I...
Ruto: I lie awake at night! I drive myself crazy! I can't stop thinking about your sexy pointy ears! And your hot blonde hair! And how you have both ears pierced!
Link: Can we bring this up another time Ruto?
Ruto: ... And how you look so hot in a Zora tunic! And how you are so brave and heroic! And how sexy you looked when you killed that giant amoeba! And how cool you looked when you destroyed that jellyfish! ARRRGH!
Link: Please don't make this hard, Ruto...
Ruto: (singing) EVERY LITTLE THING I DO! NEVER SEEMS ENOUGH FOR YOU! YOU DON'T WANNA LOSE IT AGAIN! BUT I'M NOT LIKE THEM!
Link: Stop singing...
Ruto: (still singing) L IS FOR THE WAY YOU LAUGHED AT ME! O IS FOR THE ONLY ONE I LIKE! V IS VERY, VERY SEXY AND NOT HAIRY AND E IS EVEN MORE THAN ANY ZORA COULD ADORE! LINK, I'M ALL THAT I CAN GIVE TO YOU...
Link: I'll call the nuthouse!
Ruto: Why would you do that?
Link: Because I don't like you!
Ruto: I'll never understand you Hylians. You're such stupid creatures!
Link: (sigh)
(Darunia talks with the newlyweds Impa and Ganondorf, and Rauru watches on.)
Darunia: So how's married life? A little responsibility is good, eh?
Impa: It's wonderful! He's my strong manly man, and...
Ganondorf: She's my beautiful maiden!
Rauru: GO AROUND! GO AROUND! GO AROUND, AROUND, AROUND!
Darunia: He's never going to be exactly the same, is he?
Impa: I thought they were going to make him be like Elvis or something.
Ganondorf: I've never liked that guy.
Rauru: (In Elvis voice) Thank you very much!
Darunia: Chill out, old guy! It's really OK...
Rauru: (giggling) I like cheese...
Ganondorf: Oh brother.
Darunia: I kind of like him this way. He doesn't get on your nerves.
Impa: Just like my Ganny-Poo!
Ganondorf: Impy-Wuvvy...
Darunia: That's enough of that. I'm going to talk to Saria.
(He walks away.)
Rauru: GO AROUND! I like beef... It's what's for dinner! Buda bum bum!
Ganondorf: ...
Impa: ...
(They're kissing)
Saria: (yelling) Hey guys! The Karaoke machine is here!
Zelda: Oh man...
(Scene: The Karaoke machine scene. A music montage of the contestants singing.)
Link: (singing) I'm a man without conviction! I always, uh... blah, blah, yadda, blah!
(Next singer)
Ganondorf: I always try to sell a contradiction!
Impa: (next to him) You come and go! You come and go!
(Next)
Nabooru: Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon!
(Next)
Darunia: (singing Saria's song) Do de do! Do de do! Do de do de do dode... hey wait!
(Next)
Malon: You come and go! You come and go!
(Next)
Saria: Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream!
Saria's Fairy: Red, gold, and green! Red, gold, and green!
(Next)
Zelda: This is so dumb! I don't know the words for this!
(Next)
Ruto: I always try to sell a contradiction! I LOVE YOU LINK!
(Next)
Rauru: GO AROUND! GO AROUND!
(Next)
Impa: Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon!
Ganondorf: You come and go! You come and go!
(Next)
Nabooru: Red, gold, and green!
(Next)
Darunia: RED GOLD AND GREEEEEEEN!
(He dances around for the rest of the song)
(Scene: Later. Zelda is opening her presents)
Zelda: This one's from Link. Let's see what it is...
Link: I made it myself!
(Zelda opens it up to reveal a recorded CD.)
Link: play a few songs off of it right now!
(Zelda slips it into a nearby CD player, and she hears a few seconds of this)
Link on CD: I ALWAYS TRY TO SELL MY CONTRADICTION! YOU COME AND GO! YOU COME AND...
Zelda: (trying to hide her disappointment) Oh wow! It's so great! Thank you, Link!
(She takes out the CD and throws it aside.)
Darunia: Here Zelda. Open mine! Mine is the best!
(Zelda opens up... a rock.)
Zelda: Gee, thanks Darunia. I guess I could use another paperweight...
Darunia: Oh, don't sound so excited!
Zelda: I'm trying not to, believe me.
Impa: Here. Ganondorf and I whipped this up on the way over, so if it's broken, I'm sorry. I'll fix it.
(She hands Zelda a gigantic box. The princess opens it, revealing another box. So on, so forth, until she finally finds a small box. She opens it.)
Zelda: Is this what I think it is?
(She pulls out a music box. Zelda winds up the key, and it plays "Zelda's Lullaby")
Zelda: Impa, this is great!
Impa: Since I'm going away to live with Ganondorf, I figured you could use some help falling asleep.
Zelda: Thank you so much!
(Zelda hugs her nanny.)
Nabooru: That's so sweet! Whatever. OPEN MINE NEXT! OPEN MINE NEXT!
(She hands Zelda what looks like a severed head covered in wrapping paper.)
Zelda: Um, maybe I'd better not...
Nabooru: Go ahead!
(Zelda pulls away the wrapping paper to show a giant sized Ocarina.)
Zelda: It's... lovely.
Nabooru: It's from all the other Gerudos and me. It's a baritone Ocarina!
Zelda: Right... Saria, what did you bring?
Saria: My fairy and I brought this. It isn't much, but it's all we could get.
(Zelda opens the tiny box that Saria's Fairy gave her, and gasps)
Zelda: It's a 14 carat gold leaf... leaf!
(She pulls out a small pin shaped like a leaf.)
Zelda: I like it. It's nicer than some other presents I've gotten.
(She eyes Darunia, who is hard at work eating the rock that he gave her.)
Darunia: Sorry. I got hungry!
Ruto: I got you this. It was for Link, but then I remembered your birthday.
(She hands Zelda a fish in a bottle)
Zelda: (slightly sarcastic) Thanks...
Malon: My dad and I got you something too.
(Malon leads in a small white horse)
Zelda: OH WOW! THIS IS SO COOL! What's its name?
Malon: The horse? Why would you care? We're giving you the saddle.
Zelda: The saddle?
Malon: No, just joking.
Ganondorf: Did Rauru bring a present?
Nurse Accompanying Him: I think that was it.
(She points at the mess of glue and paper all over his head)
Zelda: Uh, yeah. Thanks everyone. These are great presents!
(Doorbell rings)
Impa: Now who could that be?
(She answers the door, and someone hands her a huge package.)
Impa: Gee Zelda, looks like it's from your parents!
Zelda: My parents? What could it be?
(Zelda rips off the wrapping paper and screams.)
Zelda: AAAA! IT'S AN N64!
Everyone Else: Cool! Let's open it!
Link: Hey look guys! There's a game inside!
Ganondorf: Oh goody! What game?
Saria: It looks like Zelda: Ocarina of Time!
Ganondorf: Shoot! I hate that game!
(Scene: The ballroom, two hours later. Ganondorf tries his hand at Zelda64)
Ganondorf: Shoot! Why am I so hard to beat?
Link: Gee, if you can't do it...
Ganondorf: Oh, shut up!
(He turns back to the TV and screams in rage.)
Ganondorf: AAARRGH! I just blew you up, Link!
Link: Really? (He flashes red and yells in real life) WHHOOOA! OUCH! THAT REALLY HURT!
Ruto: Hey, you really feel it when someone gets hurt in that game? Cool! Let me try!
(Ruto takes the controller and presses a few buttons. Ganondorf and Link both flash red and scream)
Ganon and Link: OW! OWOWOWOWOW!
Impa: Ruto, cut it out!
Zelda: I don't remember this part... what's going on?
Malon: Link just killed Ganondorf and you guys are escaping out of the castle!
Zelda: Cool. Why are all those rocks falling? ARRRGH!
(Zelda onscreen is hit by a rock. Nabooru and Malon burst out laughing)
Zelda: Shut up!
Saria: Oh good! You and Zelda got out, Link.
(The room is silent for a few seconds, and the entire group screams)
All: WAAA! IT'S A... pig?
Ganondorf: I turned into a PIG?
Link: HAHA! Now watch Ruto kick your butt! On the game, I mean.
Ruto: Hey Ganondorf, you're really easy to kill, aren't you?
Ganondorf: Not really! In real life I'd whup you guys good!
Darunia: (Pointing at TV) Hey, look! There we are, guys! (singing) Go, Hyrule Six Sages go!
Nabooru: Holy cow! Is my butt really that big?
Saria: Am I really that short?
Ruto: Oh jeez, my makeup is running in that shot!
Darunia: I am not that fat!
Impa: Wow, I have WAY too much eye shadow on in that shot.
Saria's Fairy: Hey, where am I? They cut me out of the Chamber of Sages! NOT FAIR!
Rauru: Ooh... pretty lights...
Malon: I wish I was a Sage!
Ruto: WOOHOO! I WON THE GAME! I am so good!
Link: Well, now what do we do?
Nabooru: I know! Karaoke time again!
Zelda: Oh please, no!
(Another Karaoke montage)
Saria: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know!
(Next)
Ruto: If you really need me, just reach out and touch me, come on Linky tell me so!
Link: Shut up!
(Next)
Darunia: Na, Na, Na, NA, Na!
Malon: You sexy baby!
Darunia: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
Malon: You drive me crazy!
Darunia: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
(Next)
Link: Na, Na, Na, NA, NA!
Ruto: You sexy baby!
Link: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
Ruto: You drive me crazy!
Link: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
(Next)
Nabooru: I said If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on baby let me know!
(Next)
Impa: If you really need me, just reach out and touch me, come on Ganon tell me so!
Ganondorf: YEAH BABY!
(Next)
Malon: Na, Na, Na, NA, Na!
Link: YOU SEXY BABY!
Malon: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
Link: YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!
Malon: Nana, nana, nana, Na!
(Next)
Zelda: Na, Na, Na, WHATEVER! I HATE KARAOKE!
(Next)
Rauru: GO AROUND! GO AROUND! GO AROUND!
(Scene: The ballroom. The group has decided to start dancing. Ganondorf and Impa are sitting on the couch and talking.)
Ganondorf: Oh Impa... your hair is so shiny and silvery today!
Impa: Thank you, but you look so sad.
Ganondorf: I'm thinking about my mothers. They died one year ago today.
Impa: Oh. They sound like they were wonderful people. I wonder what they're doing now...
(Actually, at that second, Koume and Kotake had reached their destination of Zora's Domain, and they are trying to associate with King Zora.)
(Twinrova stand next to the royal platform.)
Koume: Good grief, that guy is fat...
Kotake: Shut up, Koume! He may be our last chance to find and destroy the Hero of Time!
Koume: Whatever. Hey Fatty!
Kotake: (slaps her) I mean, your highness, we are from the desert.
King Zora: Oh, I see. Princess Ruto went to the Water Temple.
Koume: That's not what we said. We want to know where the Hero of Time is. We wanna kill him.
King Zora: Ruto, eh? Oh, she is a sweet and adorable thing, isn't she?
Kotake: What's up with this Ruto gal? Why do you always talk about her?
King Zora: She is my beloved and adored and beautiful daughter, and I love her to death!
Koume: That's exactly what we want to do to Link! Love him to death...
King Zora: Ruto, sweet Ruto! Where for art thou?
Kotake: Goddesses! Why won't he shut up about his daughter?
King Zora: That reminds me... Biggoron invited me to another picnic on Death Mountain next month. I'd better get moving!
Koume: Biggoron?
Kotake: Who's that?
King Zora: He was my childhood friend. Ruto knows him.
Koume: You think he might know something about the Hero?
Kotake: What the hey? Let's go see! To Death Mountain!
King Zora: Me too! I better get moving to Death Mountain! Zora!
(King Zora starts moving to the side and off the platform on his way to Death Mountain. He of course, moves slower than a drop of frozen water in the tundra.)
Koume: You've got to be kidding me!
Kotake: If he keeps moving like that, he'll get there sometime before... the next millennium.
Koume: Come on, let's go.
(The two witches leave King Zora to his journey.)
King Zora: (Singing) Rollin', rollin', rollin! Keep them fishies Rollin'! Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'! RAWHIDE!
(Scene: Little Link arrives at the castle to break the bad news to the new evictee.)
LL: So Dad, what's been going on today?
Darunia: It's Zelda's birthday, and we planned a party for her.
LL: I see. Is there any cake left?
(The two Gorons walk into the room to see that someone has suggested Karaoke... again. Zelda sits in the corner of the room slamming her head against the wall.)
Zelda: MAKE IT STOP!
Nabooru: (Singing) Some times I feel I want to...
Saria's Fairy: EH- EH!
Impa: (Singing) Get away! I want to...
Saria's Fairy: EH-EH!
Malon: Get away from all pain you drive into the heart of me!
Saria's Fairy: EH-EH!
Saria: Hey, we're done with that part!
LL: Attention, everyone! I'm here! And I have the name of the next evictee!
All male contestants: THANK GOODNESS!
LL: I take it this has been going on a while.
Link: Hours! Please, tell us who is leaving!
LL: This week's evictee is... Zelda!
All: ZELDA?
Zelda: ME? But...but... it's my birthday!
LL: I'm sorry. But the readers have spoken.
Zelda: Aw, MAN!
LL: Zelda, you have a half an hour to get all your belongings and scram.
Zelda: Hey! But I live here!
Darunia: Actually, at the beginning of the show, your parents signed a contract that said that they would leave the castle until the show was over. That means you.
Zelda: CRIPES!
Impa: Sorry about that Zelda. You can come stay with Ganny-Poo and me until the show is over.
Zelda: (Sarcastically) Oh boy. I can't wait.
LL: And as for all you other former contestants, you need to leave too!
Former contestants: AW!
Rauru: (singing) Starlight city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire! VIVA LAS VEGAS! VIVA LAS VEGAS!
Nurse: Here, I'll take him back home.
Nabooru: Well, back to the books.
Ganondorf: Come on, Impy-Wuvvy. Let's go home...
Impa: Coming, honey! (She leaps into his arms and Zelda follows them out the door growling.)
Ruto: I guess this is goodbye Link... again.
Link: Yeah, whatever. Good riddance, Ruto!
Ruto: Just remember... I'll always love you.
Link: I'll try not to.
(The other contestants leave, and the only ones left in the castle are Saria, her fairy, Link, Darunia, and Malon.)
Darunia: Sweet! Now we can use all of Zelda's new stuff!
(Suddenly, Zelda runs back inside)
Zelda: NO! THEY'RE MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!
(She snatches up all of the stuff and runs away.)
Link: Darn. Well, I guess we're stuck in this heck-hole for another week.
All: Crud.
LL: Don't worry. Darunia and Malon have another chance to leave next week!
Malon: I'm elected again?
Darunia: YAY! THEY VOTED FOR ME! But is that a good thing?
LL: You really scare me sometimes Dad.
Darunia: I love you too, son!
(He runs over and grabs his son in a headlock)
Darunia: Who's daddy's favorite Goron? Who's daddy's favorite Goron?
LL: I AM! I AM! NOW STOP IT!
Link: (whispered to Saria) Looks like they're bonding. I'd better close up this week.
AHEM! So, next week we'll surprise everyone with a real special episode. And we'll find out who the next evictee is. So, please stay tuned for more episodes of BBD, and remember... Big Brother Darunia...
Darunia and LL: He's watching you!
LL: OW! CUT IT OUT, DAD! COME ON! PLEEEASE? STOP IT!
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This game has been messed up by: Galaxy Girl
Galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
President, Webmaster of Planet Universe Comix Co.
PLANET UNIVERSE: Saving the world with Cheapo comics!
LEGEND OF ZELDA and all related stuff is a registered trademark of Nintendo of America. No infringement of Copyright is intended.
And also: Sorry to Levi jeans for screwing up their "Chameleon" commercials. If you haven't seen them: Trust me, you'll know when you do.