Fan Fiction ❯ Big Brother Darunia ❯ The End Of The Road?! ( Chapter 10 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

BIG BROTHER DARUNIA: A Reality Fan Fiction
Show Ten: The End of the Road???
By Galaxy Girl

BIG BROTHER is brought to you by the following sponsor...

(Scene: Hyrule Field. Link, Zelda, Saria and Darunia are all in a brand-new car, driving along the field.)

Link: (At the wheel) Nice ride, eh?

Darunia: Yeah. It's got...

Saria, Zelda: NO! DON'T SAY IT!

Darunia: Zoom zoom...

All: AW, man!

(Suddenly, Talon of Lon-Lon Ranch pops up from the back seat.)

Talon: (singing) ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM!

(The four carpenters of Kakariko come out.)

Carpenters: (singing) HEY, HEY, HEY!

Carpenters and Talon: ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM! Hey, Hey, Hey!

(The running man and the Lake Scientist come out.)

All: ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM!

Talon: Ya, Ya, Ya, ZOOOOOM!

All: YA ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! YA ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! YA ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM!

Carpenters: Chicka-boom chi boom!

All: YA ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM!

Announcer: The Hyrule Zoom-Zoom. A brand new car for a brand new generation of idiots!

All: ZOOM, ZOOM ZOOM!

Link: Oh jeez! No these dudes again!

(Scene: Big Brother Darunia Title Room.)

LL: Hello everyone. I'm Little Link, and today, I regretfully tell you that this is the last episode of Big Brother Darunia. I know you've all enjoyed the show, and we all had a lot of fun, contestants and readers alike. But though we pick the winner today, the author wants to keep the fun lasting! So, she has planned a special "BIG BRO D Extra Special Super-Duper Blooper Spectacular"! That's right! In a few weeks, a brand new ELEVENTH episode with all new jokes, bloopers, deleted scenes, and more interviews that you can shake a stick at! SO, after the show today, stay tuned for the "BIG BRO D Extra Special Super-Duper Blooper Spectacular! And enjoy today's show!

(Scene: The Living Room. Link, Saria, and Suki have arrived back at the Living room with LL to find out who REALLY is the winner!)

LL: OK, I'm back, and we brought film this time.

Link: Good thing! If I had to wait one more minute to find out who won, I was going to flip!

Saria: So who won? WHO IS IT?

LL: Calm down, calm down. The envelope, please...

(A Goron stage crew man races out with an envelope)

LL: Ah, thank you, my good man. Now, we finally discover who is the winner of 5 million Rupees, and a brand new Mazda Protégé Hyrule Zoom!

Link and Saria: WHO IS IT?

LL: The winner of the 5 million rupees, a brand new car, and the Big Brother Darunia Game Show is...

Link: Yes?

LL: Is...

Saria: YESSS?

LL: IS...

Suki: GOOD GRIEF, MAN! TELL US!

LL: IS SARIA!

Saria: YESS!

LL: That is what I would be saying had she won!

Saria: Huh?

LL: And that it what I would be saying if Link won!

Link: What the...

LL: And THAT is what I would be saying if Saria HAD won!

Link: (grabs LL by the throat) WHO THE H$&$ IS IT?

LL: (gurgling) The winner is you, Link!

Link: YEEEEEESSSSSSS! I WON! I WON! I WON! I AM THE CHAMPION! I ROCK! I RULE! I AM BETTER THAN SARIA! WOOHOOO!

Saria: Aw, MAN! All that work for nothing!

Link: Look Saria. I'm sorry. Here, let's shake on a good game.

(Saria reaches for his hand, but he pulls it away and sticks his tongue out at her.)

Link: HAHAHAHAH! SUCKER!

Saria: Oh well. I've already packed my suitcase, anyway.

LL: I'm very sorry Saria. As a consolation prize, you get 20 Rupees.

Saria: 20? 20? 20 STINKING RUPEES FOR ALL THAT TORTURE?

LL: Goodbye, Saria! Good luck!

Saria: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE! 20 RUPEES! YOU ARE SOOOO CHEAP!

(She turns and stomps out the door of the castle.)

Link: WOOHOO!

LL: Congratulations, Link! Welcome to Winner town! You have just won yourself 5 million Rupees, a brand new Mazda Protégé Hyrule Zoom, and a place in FF.N fame for the rest of your life!

Link: Oh who cares about that stuff? Where's the car?

LL: It's outside in the garage.

Link: WOOHOO! HERE I COME, BAY-BEEE!

(Link races out of the door of the castle and over to the garage on the East Side of the castle.)

Link: Wow, I didn't know Zelda had a Ten-Car Garage! Yo, Little Link! Where's the remote?

(LL skips out of the castle carrying a remote for the garage. He opens the door, and Link sees his prize...)

Link: (starts to drool)

(The car is a green convertible with leather seats and a 100-horsepower engine. It's just been washed, and the keys are hung on a small key rack with a Triforce Keychain.)

Link: It's so beautiful!

(He runs forward and hugs the car.)

Link: Oh my baby! My beautiful baby! I'll never leave you again!

LL: Isn't she great? We got her from a car dealership in Termina!

Link: (tears in his eyes) It's more beautiful than I'd ever imagined!

(He reaches for the keys, and is about to unlock the car when a small voice screams out...)

Suki: HEY! You can't take that! I'm still here!

(Link spies Suki floating near the door.)

Link: Huh? Suki, what are you doing here? Saria left almost half an hour ago!

Suki: I'm still here! And I ain't gonna get cheated out of the car that is so rightfully mine!

Link: Suki, what are you talking about? You're a fairy! Fairies can't drive!

Suki: Can too! I just need a booster seat!

Link: AHA! But you weren't a contestant! Only a contestant can win the car!

(He turns to LL, who is flipping through the pages of the OFFICIAL BBD HANDBOOK)

Link: Right, Little bro?

LL: Um uh... Actually, Link... Code 123451234512345123451234512345123458 of the BBD Official Rule book says that the winner is and I quote, "The last person out of the castle!" They don't have to be a contestant!

Link: But... What kind of sense does that make?

Suki: Touché!

Link: But... DOH!

LL: But Suki, we can't film another week of the show! We need to turn in the camera to POKEMON SURVIVOR before tomorrow! Then, we have to wait an entire month before we can get it back!

Suki: Nu-uh! I am not leaving until this show has been fairly decided!

Link: AARRRGGGH!

LL: Wait, I know! We can take the camera away and leave you guys alone in the castle un-filmed for another month! Then we'll come back and whoever is least crazy is the winner!

Link: Works for me.

Suki: As long as that car is mine! HOOHA!

LL: OK, back inside everyone!

(Scene: Back in the Living room)

LL: OK, I'll leave this personal home video camera here in the corner to tape a little bit of you guys. Now, I have to get going.

Link: OK. Whatever.

Suki: Thank you for giving me a chance!

LL: Anywho, I'll see you guys later. Gotta go. Good Luck!

(Little Link walks outside the door and it slams with a sickening crash.)

(Link and Suki sit silently for about five minutes.)

Link: So.

Suki: So.

(Five minutes later.)

Link: Well, as long as we're here, we'd better get to know each other better.

Suki: (Suddenly with an evil tone) Oh, but I already know all about you, Link!

Link: Huh? What are you talking about?

Suki: Your sign is Pisces, and your favorite color is pink.

Link: Huh?

Suki: Your favorite movie is "The Teletubbies Meet Barney", and your favorite TV show is Pokemon.

Link: What the...

Suki: You have an enormous craving for guacamole...

Link: WHAAA?

Suki: No- applesauce!

Link: How did you know that?

Suki: Your biggest fear is of bugs.

Link: EEEEH?

Suki: And you wear underwear with PINK HEARTS AND TEDDY BEARS ON IT!

Link: WHAT?! LEAVE ME ALONE!

(Suddenly, Suki unstraps Link's belt and his pants fall down. Sure enough, he had underwear with pink hearts and Teddy bears.)

Link: This is Hannibal Lecter stuff, dude!

Suki: But that's not all I know Link. I know your biggest secret of all...

Link: Please, stop it Suki! You're scaring MEEEE!

Suki: I'm not Suki! Haven't you figured that out yet?

Link: Who are you? What have you done with Saria's Fairy?

Fake Suki: I sent the real Suki on a vacation in the Bahamas before the show even started!

Link: Go away! Leave me alone!

Fake Suki: Anyway, as I was saying... I know your biggest secret of ALL!

Link: Please Su- I mean, Fake Suki! Don't say it!

Fake Suki: You have a crush on...

Link: NO!

Fake Suki: You want to marry...

Link: OH PLEASE, NO!

Fake Suki: You fantasize about... Princess Ruto!

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fake Suki: You never liked me, Link! I helped you out more times than one!

Link: Oh my Goddess!

Fake Suki: Behind this puppet of a fairy is a girl you hurt very badly on your quest!

Link: Is that...

Fake Suki: But you can't hurt me anymore! My entire part in the show was to get even with you!

Link: It can't be!

Fake Suki: Oh no, Linky-Boy! You can't hurt me ANYMORE!

(She holds up a pink paper packet of the most evil substance known to man... That's right!)

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT SWEET N' LOW!

Fake Suki: Now it's time to see who I really am!

(She reaches for her face, and Link screams)

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(The screen goes blank and the film shorts out.)

BIG BROTHER DARUNIA WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES FROM OUR SPONSORS!

(Scene: Hyrule Castle meeting room. Zelda sits in the middle of a boring meeting)

Zelda: Ho hum...

Boring Meeting Guy: And so, we talked to the Sheikah committee, and we told them to yearn...

Zelda: Yearn? Yearn?

(Suddenly, three Goron guys appear with a bottle of conditioner.)

Zelda: (singing) I've got the yearn...

Guys: She's got the yearn to Goron!

All: Using Goron in the shower! Now just let it sit an hour! She's got the yearn!

King of Hyrule: Rocky and tyrannical...

All: She's got the yearn to Goron!

Boring Meeting Guy: HELLO??!?!

Zelda: Huh?

BMG: What are you doing?

Zelda: I'm washing my hair with Goron Mountain Botanical Shampoo!

BMG: Oh, the one made with Bomb Flowers?

Zelda: Huh?

(Shot of outside of castle.)

BOOOOOOOOMMMM!

Announcer: Goron Mountain Botanical Shampoo! Explosive fun for your hair!

(Scene: Hyrule Castle Living room, one month later...)

LL: OK, people! I'm Little Link, your Goron host! We're back, after an entire month of waiting for Link and Suki to finish duking it out for the title of winner. Now, we enter the castle and check out who is the winner!

(He opens the door and walks inside. The Living room is empty.)

LL: Hello? Anyone here?

(He and the camera crew run around the castle. There is no one here at all.)

LL: That's really weird!

Camera Man: (From off screen) Yo, Little Link! You'd better see this!

(He walks over to the coffee table, where the man has found a tiny note.)

LL: A note? Let's read it.

(NOTE: The note has been reproduced here.)

To Whom It May Concern:

Once you have this letter in your hands, I won't be around anymore. I will have left the castle, and possibly, Hyrule itself by the time this letter reaches the public.
If you are looking for Link, my companion in the castle and the supposed winner, he is upstairs in the closet of his former room. He is blindfolded and gagged, and I have given him a sufficient amount of Sweet N' Low to keep him high as a kite for at least until I have escaped. If it is the date I figure it is, (The 12th of September) he should be out of it for at least another week.
Who am I, why did I write this letter, and what have I done? Well, the answers will reach you shortly.
I am a former close friend of Link's, and an often forgotten and bashed character. This isn't fair. I was the real hero of Ocarina of Time. Link was only a backup. If it weren't for me, Link would have died all the way back at the beginning.
In fan fictions, I have been killed, beat up, in love with Link, called a man by some weirdos who think I am one, and many other things. What did I ever do to deserve this punishment? That is the question I have for you.
I came to your show behind the mask of the character known as Saria's Fairy, and until recently, Suki. The real Suki is safe and sound, and more than likely sunbathing somewhere in the Bahamas. I rigged up a small fairy disguise, and therefore made myself a home in the cast. I became known as Saria's beloved friend and partner, Malon's source of agony, and an annoying little twerp to everyone else. These are my natural talents, I assure you.
If you look in the garage, you'll find that the car is gone, along with the 5 million Rupee prize. I have taken them, for I am the real hero, and the real winner of the game, the show, and EVERYTHING!
You will probably never see me again, nor hear from me. But be assured, I am out there somewhere, behind the wheel of my Mazda Protégé Hyrule Zoom, looking at my Rupees and laughing at the world.
And someday, maybe someone will finally say, "It was not Link, but SHE who saved the world!" Then, I shall return and take the glory that is rightfully mine.
Until then, I bid you all adieu, and to my few remaining fans who don't hate me, I wish you peace and prosperity.
And for you, those who hate me, I will be nearby you all the time. When you go to work, I'll be there. When you go to school, I'll be following you. And when you get married and have children, I'll still be watching.
Who's laughing now, LOSERS?

Love,
*~*~*~* Navi the Fairy *~*~*~*

LL: Oh my Goddess! So Suki was actually Navi the whole time?

Camera Man: I knew it! I knew someday she would finally return and get her revenge!

LL: Wow, I suddenly feel bad for being such a creep to her! I never even said hello to her.

Camera Man: Maybe we all were mean to Navi. I mean, what did she ever do to us?

LL: She yelled, "HEY LOOK! HEY LOOK! HEY LOOK! LISTEN! HEY LOOK! HEY LOOK!"

All: (Shudder)

LL: Shouldn't we let Link out of the closet now?

Camera Man: Good idea.

(They run upstairs and let Link out of the closet. He is shaky, his eyes are glazed over, and he is mumbling to himself.)

Link: Hey... Look... Hey... Listen...

LL: Poor kid.

Camera Man: Don't worry. A few days in the Hyrule Home for the Reality Challenged should straighten him up.

Link: (regaining his senses) WHA? Huh?

LL: I'll call them up! Maybe we can get him a room with Ruto!

Link: Huh? NOOOOOOO! PLEASE NO! ARRRRGHGHGHGHAAAAAAAA!

Camera Man: Well, you know what they say, Link!

Link: Huh? What do they say?

LL: MUSIC!

(A lively dance tune plays.)

LL: (grabs cane and top hat.)
(To the tune of "Stars and Stripes Forever)

Be kind to your bright winged friends!
For a fairy just might try and kill you!
Be kind to your helpers, it's true!
Or they might try to murder you!
You may think that this is the end...

All: WELL IT AIN'T !

(The entire Big Brother Cast, including the deranged windmill man, Twinrova, and all of the crew come out. Link stands up, pulls off his tunic to reveal a tux, and grabs a microphone.)

Link: (singing) Oh Hyrule is the land of wonder!
Even though it never thunders!
The fire on Death Mountain burns!

All: But there's one thing that every Hylian should learn...

Be kind to your bright winged friends!
For a fairy just might try and kill you!
Be kind to your helpers, it's true!
Or they might try and murder you!
You may think that this is the end...
WELL IT AIN'T !

Ganondorf: We found love and happiness upon this stage of fun!
And we all learned a lesson right now before we're done!

Impa: There may be joy and laughter in a game show atmosphere,
But do not leave until you've learned
This big lesson, dear...

(Music quickens)

All: BE KIND TO YOUR BRIGHT WINGED FRIENDS!
FOR A FAIRY JUST MIGHT TRY AND KILL YOU!
BE KIND TO YOUR HELPERS, IT'S TRUE!
OR THEY MIGHT TRY AND MURDER YOU!
YOU MAY THINK THAT THIS IS THE END...
WELL IT IS!
For now...

Saria: (still singing) And though we've come and had our fun, it's time to say goodbye!

Ruto: So Linky-Boy can come with me and he will never cry!

Link: Ruto go away from me, you stupid ugly louse!

Deranged Windmill Man: Come on Link, it's time to come live at the crazy house!

Link: NO! NO! (He races away from the big song-and-dance, with Ruto on his heels.

All: So from Hyrule we all come here and say it with a sigh...

OOOOOOOOOH!

It's time to say...

Nabooru: Say...

Ganondorf: Say...

Impa: Say...

Zelda: Say...

Darunia: Say...

Malon: Say...

Rauru: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY...

All: GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

Link: (running by) Bye, bye, BYE!

Ruto: (Right behind him) COME BACK, MY BELOVED HYLIAN LOVERBOY!

(A giant red curtain with the words "BIG BROTHER DARUNIA" closes down on the screen. Suddenly, Link leaps through the curtain, tearing it with his silhouette.)

Link: SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEE!

Ruto: But Link! I LOOOVE YOU!

(Follows behind him through the curtain.)

(Little Link sticks his head through Link's silhouette)

LL: Oh no! Here we go again!
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THE AFTERMATH...

Nabooru graduated from the Hyrule College of Psychology with a master's degree in psychaiatry. She became a Doctor and opened up an office in the former Gerudo Training ground. She currently works with the patients of the Hyrule Home for the Reality Challenged, including Ruto, who she sees three times a week...

Rauru never did recover his original personality. He became a half Elvis half- cranky crazy guy kind of person, and he moved to Las Vegas, where he got his own stage show. Unfortunately, it was cancelled due to lack of ticket sales, and he now works in the Hyrule Castle Market, selling Ray-Ban Sunglasses and cheap Ocarinas...

Ruto finally recovered from her temporary insanity, and moved back home to Zora's Domain when her father mysteriously disappeared on his way to a picnic on Death Mountain. She lived there happily for almost a year and almost got over her love for Link, when one day, in a fit of Sweet N' Low induced insanity, he rushed into the Zora's Domain and requested her hand in marriage. She accepted, and when he recovered from his shock, he was already married. He moved to Portugal until the divorce was filed out, and Ruto got over him completely. She is currently dating a mysterious Zora from outside Hyrule, who is known only as "Mikau"...

Ganondorf and Impa were married and they moved into Gerudo Valley, as planned. Impa only recently had two beautiful children, who she named "Moon Unit Alpha Zappa Dragmire" and "Superfly Zappa Dragmire". The couple became mural artists, and just recently completed a project in which they painted a giant psychadelic mural over the entirety of Gerudo Valley, moving the Gerudos to change their war-like ways and become hippies. They changed the name to "Groovy Valley." Ganondorf, by the way, kept his word and never tried to take over Hyrule again...

Zelda became the queen of Hyrule, as expected, and she became known as the most popular and caring queen in the history of the world. She currently runs several citizen support groups, including the "Hylian Women For Gender Equality" movement, which meets in Gerudo Valley every Monday night. She eventually married a mysterious Hylian who not many have seen, but who is called "Sheik". Turns out, Sheik was a real person who tried to sue dear old Zelly for identity theft, then he fell madly in love with her and they got married. Ain't love grand?

Darunia eventually got over his lost love Doko, and became a full-time musician known as "Brother D". A few months after the show was over, he amazingly met a Goron woman, who turned out to be his first wife. She had NOT died, and just went on a vacation to Termina. They re-married, and they live happily in Goron City. His latest CD, "Rock Death Mountain", features 25 new songs, all of which are remixes of "Saria's Song". He's very popular with the Gorons...

Malon finally got her dream of becoming a star, though not in the way she expected. A few years later, she bred a new breed of horse, faster and with a higher life expectancy than ever. She became a millionaire, and lives on Lon-Lon Ranch, which has been remodeled into a plantation type thing. They fired Ingo, too. She and Link kept in touch, but they never really "got involved".

Saria moved back to Kokiri Forest, where she became famous for writing books and songs. Her latest is titled, "Fairies and How to Deal with Them!" The Real Suki returned after a few weeks, and the pair work together happily, writing songs and watching Sesame Street Reruns.

Koume and Kotake married the Lake Scientist and they live at Lake Hylia. The pair never did stop fighting, and the poor scientist makes them both a white cake with every meal to try and change the subject. But his luck lasted anyway, for the sisters brewed up and sold beakers of their special "youth potion". They all got really rich, and they turned the pool in the lake lab into a SPA!

The Deranged Windmill guy is still at the Hyrule Home for The Reality Challenged. 'Nuff said.

Little Link became a popular Game Show host in Hyrule, and starred on such popular shows as "Guess That Monster!" and "Who Wants to Be A Gazillionaire?". He lives in Goron City with his mom and dad, and is currently dating BBD author Galaxy Girl.

Galaxy Girl went on to make many funny and popular fan fictions on FF.N. WOOHOOO!

Link, after moving back to Hyrule, continued his job as Hero of Time. He recovered from his slight Sweet N' Low overdose, and went on to save Hyrule and the surrounding lands many times again. He renewed his friendship with Darunia, Saria, and Malon, and they get together often for jam sessions. He finally got Ruto off his back and he got his greatest rival settled down with a wife and kids. What more could be good for him?

And Navi?

Navi sent a letter to Link a few months after the encounter, and he replied with a simple "I'm sorry, dude." She isn't mad at him anymore, but decided not to be his partner again. She went off on a cross-global expedition in her Mazda Protégé Hyrule Zoom, and no one knows where she is now.
But sometimes, on warm nights, you can see Navi driving around in her car on the roads, singing the ""Zoom Zoom" song and drinking Diet Pepsi.

So did they as they say, "live happily ever after"? That's your call. But one thing is for sure...

Next time you're sitting in your house all alone, take a good look around, because perhaps...
Just perhaps you're not alone. Perhaps there is someone there with you. Perhaps someone knows what you're doing. Perhaps...

Well, I won't go on. But just remember...

BIG BROTHER DARUNIA: He's watching you!

END.

By Galaxy Girl...
Galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com
President, Webmaster of Planet Universe Comix Co.
Planet U: Saving the world with cheapo comics!

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA AND ALL RELATED INDICIA ARE PROPERTY OF NINTENDO OF AMERICA. THEY AIN'T MINE, I'M JUST BORROWING EM'.

REMEMBER: STAY TUNED FOR THE BBD EXTRA SPECIAL SUPER DUPER BLOOPER SPECTACULAR!