Fan Fiction ❯ Buy Some Time: A Life for a Life ❯ Feeling the Loss ( Chapter 3 )

A/n: Okies...chapter three. So far so good I suppose. Let's just hope I can keep up with myself and update frequently. I thank everyone who reviewed, and I spit on fan fiction. Net, who keeps tweaking things of it's own accord. Like my summary for instance. But anyways, on with the chapter. There's a couple forming in this chapter, but it's probably not who you think... >.> I think... <.<

Pleaz R & R... I'm BEGGING you... I've had the worst Christmas of my life, and I need something to make me happy...

Note to Kat: If there is, I'd know. And if I knew, I'd never tell. ~.^

WARNING: Angst ahead! Blood and alcohol consumption to come! Major depression! WARNING!

~*~*~

"What..." He whispered harshly, looking at them all disbelievingly; Arthur turned away and spoke again, "Harry... *ahem* Harry...used the Death Curse on Lestrange... She died, but the spell hit three other spells and got split into two...the second hit Dumbledore. *Ahem* Harry was passed out from exhaustion and when he woke...he went into the atrium to have a rest I suppose... You-know-who showed up...*Ahem*"

When it was clear that Arthur couldn't talk for the large lump in his throat Moody continued for him, "And he blasted Harry. When we got there we thought he was dead for sure... But the boy sat up, and it was like something picked 'im up... And he spoke with this eerie voice, like there was a hundred people speaking through his voice. And he took Voldemort down with. Don't be a sissy Mundungus, his name ain't gonna kill ya."

Sirius didn't notice Lupin stirring as he growled low in his chest and shot daggers at anyone who would meet his eyes, "He. Is. Not. Dead. You didn't let him die!"

"Sirius, we couldn't stop what happened..." Kingsley said softly, "Denying it won't make it go away... Harry is dead..."

"No!" He barked at them, "He's not dead! He isn't...!" Tears formed in his eyes, "I promised to protect him. I swore! I swore that I would do anything I could to protect Harry! I promised James nothing bad would happen to him!"

As he took deep, shaking breaths he felt Remus' arms slide away and the smaller man sat up, looking blearily around and pressing a tentative palm to the gash on his head, "Sirius? Sirius, you're alright... Thank god... Where are we? Where's Harry...?" He began slowly, gradually coming back to the real world, "Sirius what was with the shouting...?"

"Get off me, Remus." He growled in reply, "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk to any of you. This is your fault!" He snarled at the rest of the room before disappearing , leaving a very confused Remus on the bed and a very guilty group of people standing around him

"What's going on? What happened?" Remus demanded, a shadow already falling over his heart and mind. His hands began to shake as Moody began to tell the story again from the point where Remus had lunged after his best friend. As the story reached it's end, he was shaking all over, his face in his hands. "Oh gods, Sirius..." He murmured softly, "Please don't..."

~*~*~

He sat in his old hideaway cave outside Hogsmeade, far away from Number Twelve, Grimauld Place, and stared through clouded eyes up at the sky. Up at the Dog Star. He was losing focus though, and his vision was sliding in and out of clarity. He was remembering...

~* Flashback *~

"Sirius..." He began, dragging a shaky hand through his wild black hair, "I don't think I'm going to come out of this alive..."

"Don't say that, mate. You'll jinx us," Sirius replied playfully

"Be serious, Sirius..." He winced at the unintended pun, "I mean it. I don't know if Lily and I will survive this war... Sometimes I wonder if any of us will survive..."

"James, don't say that.." Sirius said, looking at the cloudy sky from James' porch, "We're gonna make it through this..."

"I know...but Sirius... Could you take care of Harry if something happens..." HE said cautiously, his voice wavering slightly as he spoke his son's name

"Of course! I'm his godfather, mind you. I've practically made the promise already." Sirius said cheerfully, nudging James with his elbow...

"I mean... Promise you'll never let anything happen to him. No matter what... That you'll protect him till the very day you die. As a Marauder and as my friend..."

Sirius looked at him for a moment, then grinned, "I swear it. As a Marauder and as your friend."

~* End Flashback *~

Sirius took a swig from a bottle of fire whiskey, closing his eyes for a moment to block the images swirling in front of them. He took another deep swig, ignoring the grunting and crunching behind him as Buckbeak gnawed on rats that had been nesting in the cave. His feet dangled out over the rocks that littered the ground, his feet tipping back and forth absently.

"Look what a friend you are, Sirius. A great godfather too..." He sneered at himself, "You've gone and gotten your godson and his headmaster killed. His headmaster that saved his bloody life. Yeah, great going Sirius, m'boy. Bloody brilliant." He took another sloppy gulp of whiskey and let his body fall back to rest on the stone floor

It was a warm night, but Sirius was shivering, his body chilled with sorrow. He sighed miserably, the sound almost twisting into a whimper. He suddenly stood up, unsteady on his feet, and threw the now empty bottle to the ground with all his might, shattering it and sending glass flying everywhere. One shard hit and embedded itself in his wrist...

He looked at it strangely for a moment, then pulled it from his skin. He looked down, trying to focus on one thing with his tilting vision. He reached for a large, sharp looking piece. "Ah, that'll do just lovely." He said, not even really knowing what he planned to do with it...

He settled himself in a glass free spot against the wall, near the opening of the cave, and shouted madly into the night, "I'm so bloody brilliant! Want me to take care of little Harry now, James?! I'm a bleeding idiot!! I should be shot by a muggle!!" He cried his distress to the sleeping world, "It should've been me who died! It should've been me and not Harry!"

He propped his knees up and rested his arms on them, cradling his head as he shook and whimpered. He felt so weak. His eyes lifted and caught the shiny glass in his hand. "But I'm not weak..." He lifted his head and examined the glass, his mind working full tilt. "I'm not weak, and I'll prove it."

He rolled his left sleeve up to his elbow and put the shard to his skin. Taking one deep breath he sliced across his perfect forearm. He was surprised at how little it hurt and the second perfect cut was made right beneath the first with ease. He made a third and a fourth, his lips curling into a grin as blood seeped down his arm. He smiled wider and licked his arm, tasting the metallic fluid with relish. "I'm strong. I'm strong..."

For a long moment he sat there, fascinated, occasionally lapping at the blood, but the wound soon scabbed over and failed to amuse him. So he turned to the other wrist and began cutting, deeper and harsher than before. In his drunk delirium he didn't realize for several minutes what he had carved into his arm...

M.

U.

R.

D.

E.

R.

E.

R.

He flew into a fit of hysterical laughter, his mind doing loops and turns. It didn't quite register at first when a loud pop echoed through the room and an audible gasp sounded from his left, resounding with Buckbeak's surprised shuffling of distaste. "Sirius Black, you're off your bloody rocker!"

He turned his head slightly, the smile on his face long replaced by a look of absent dreaminess, "Hullo, Remmie... How are you today? Haven't seen you in a while...I've been in Azkaban, you know."

"Oh, Sirius..." Remus said softly, kneeling down beside him, "How could you do something like this...?" He murmured, tapping Sirius' wrist with his wand to stop the bleeding and glancing at the glass that lay all around, "Come on, Siri... Up you go. You shouldn't do things like this; shouldn't drink, and shouldn't touch glass while you're drunk." He said softly, hoisting the shaky man up and pulling his arm over his shoulder, "You're in no shape to go back, and it's getting late anyhow, so I'll just conjure a bed..."

He soon had a large four-poster sitting against the back wall and a wall illumining the opening from the outside so they couldn't be found. The drunken Sirius was collapsed on the bed, whimpering and shaking softly while Remus sat next to him and stroked his back. It wasn't even five minutes before Sirius, who had by now come to his senses for the most part, began shaking with sobs. Remus pulled his dear friend against his chest and pulled the sheets over them, rubbing his back and murmuring soothing words until he at last settled into a dreamless sleep.

Remus pressed a cheek against his friends cool, midnight hair and sighed tiredly. He couldn't help but think, as he drifted into a shifty sleep, that maybe if he had been there to restrain Harry maybe his closest friend, his only living close friend, wouldn't be in this state. He wouldn't... drawled a small voice in his head, he'd be dead...

~*~*~

All the Weasley children, minus Ron , were all gathered in the living room in the Burrow, curled at random intervals around the couch, where their father was dosing. In the kitchen a very sniffling Molly was talking to Tonks over a cup of tea near the counter. Ron and Hermione sat across from each other at the kitchen table, occasionally staring at each other for long periods of time. Near one end of the table a bouquet of bright, multi-colored flowers( A gift from Mr. Lovegood) were halfway visible from beneath a cloth Fred had angrily dropped over it to hide it's cheery brightness.

Hermione spoke for the first time in the five hours she'd been there, "Two days..."

Ron looked her, "It doesn't feel right... Like there's something missing from us..."

She nodded, averting her gaze towards the silly flowers, which shifted their colors every hour or so, "Any word from Sirius or Lupin?"

"No... Lupin vanished just after Sirius did. I expect he's looking for him..."

"Probably..." They were both speaking softly, their whispers barely stretching across the table, "Maybe he's found him..."

"Or maybe they've both gone mad and run off together, shrieking in dismay..." Ginny said gloomily as she flopped down two seats to the left of Hermione

"You should be asleep..." Ron said vaguely, gazing at his mother who'd suddenly began crying again, "Mum wanted you to get some rest..."

"She wanted the both of you to, as well." She said pointedly, "Besides...the silence was so loud I couldn't hear myself think..."

Hermione stood up slowly, catching an odd look from Ron, "I'm going to bed...or to read...or something... I can't sit here like this and rot away at the kitchen table." She slowly dragged herself out of the room and upstairs, at which point Ron knew she wasn't sleeping but reading or toying with some odd or end that she'd nicked from Harry's belongings...

He pulled from his pocket the tiny model Firebolt that Tonks had given Harry for Christmas and watched it fly sluggishly back and forth in front of him. Even Harry's little toy broom was depressed. Ron suddenly stood, throwing his chair back and slamming his fists on the table top so hard it was certain Hermione had heard it from way up in her room.

"I HATE THIS!!" He said loudly as a groggy Arthur Weasley stumbled into the kitchen, "It's not right! HARRY SHOULD BE HERE! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM!!"

Tonks turned a piteous look on the livid teenager. Mrs. Weasley was gazing sadly at him, her tear-filled eyes knowing and reflecting just as much agony as he was feeling. Arthur gingerly clasped his shoulder... "I know it's hard, Ron... I know Harry was your best friend, like your brother... But he can't come back." He said slowly, annunciating each painful word, "You have to begin to mourn properly... And I'm sure that it'll help when we attend his funeral in a few days..."

Ron turned on him, "You stupid numbskull!" He roared, hearing a whimper from the doorway as Hermione crept back into the room, "NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE! I CAN STILL FEEL HIM. HE'S STILL HERE! His voice is still talking... We can't do it! We just can't keep living like Harry isn't here!!!" His voice broke as tears brimmed in his eyes "WE CAN'T-"

"RON, STOP IT!" Hermione sobbed, "I hate it just as much as you....but please, Ron... You're scaring me..." She said as she turned and slumped against the wall

"Oh, Hermione..." He said softly, edging down next to her, "Please don't cry on account of me being an ass... C'mon, 'Mione..." He said, Putting an arm around her shaking shoulders. She turned sideways and flung her arms around his neck to sob into his shoulder... He looked at his mother and father as he stood up, "We can't..." He said before scooping up the crying girl and carting her off up the stairs.

Up in the dark solitude of her room he left Hermione to herself so she could change into her night dress. He himself went to his room and merely stripped to his boxers before falling unceremoniously onto his bed. He was still staring at his ceiling, on the verge of attempting sleep, when he heard a timid knock on his door. He sat up.

"'Mione, is that you...?" He murmured into the darkness...

"Ron, please..." She whispered as she eased the door open, "I don't want to be by myself.. Can I please...-"

He edged over in the bed and moved the sheets, "Sure. Hurry up before Mum hears you..."

She closed the door behind her and darted into his bed, half jumping under the covers as she had when she still feared a monster might crawl from beneath the bed and trip her. She shifted until she was close enough to Ron to feel his breath running through her hair. Ron waited until he was certain she'd gone to sleep before he let himself drift away. It felt odd to have Hermione next to him while he slept, but he didn't mind. And as he drifted off, his sorrow was lifted slightly so that it didn't seem quite so crushing as it had. He tightly hugged the young woman next to him and slept soundly until early afternoon.

~*~*~

A/n: There we are, chapter three. I didn't even think about it until it happened, that I could manage some Hermione/Ron fluff in there... And I've suddenly remembered, please don't let me forget, that there is supposed to be implied Harry/Draco later on... *Sheepish grin*

This chapter seemed kind of sloppy to me, but what do I know. It just didn't seem like it was the best I could've done... And I'm kinda sad from thinking about Sirius crying and such... .o.o. Anyway...