Fan Fiction ❯ Cause When There's You ❯ It's just a Cut.... ( Chapter 1 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Kudoku 
Shady is alone and is always hiding in the dark. Ratio wants to find out what is wrong with him...the results...suicide.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 01.17.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 6.8K | Visits: 309 | Status: Completed
Shady is alone and is always hiding in the dark. Ratio wants to find out what is wrong with him...the results...suicide.
Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 01.17.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 6.8K | Visits: 309 | Status: Completed
Ja: Weee, another fic ^_^
Shady: I suppose it involves me, eh?
Ja: Of course it does! ^_^
Shady: Yay
Ja: Don't worry, I'll make sure I don’t torture you *too* much
Shady: I feel so relieved
Ja: I sense sarcasm
Shady: Nice job, Miss Obvious, you deserve a cookie Ja: I already *own* a cookie ::smiles proudly::
Shady: -.-
Ja: Now let’s get on with it!
Cause When There’s You
I hate life. It’s so insignificant, so stupid, so pointless, I really don’t see the reason for living. We all end up dying anyway, it’s not as if it truly matters. We end up dying, and experience pain and misery along the way. Why can’t I just stab myself and die? Why can’t my friends and family just get over the fact that I cut myself? I only did it once, and it’s not like I’ll do it again for I found love. Even if I wanted to attempt suicide, I wouldn’t be able to do it while they’re watching me like a freaking hawk.
Did I tell you how much pain I’ve suffered? I know many people are worse off than me, the people living in third-world countries, the people in the streets, but I just can’t take this. Emotional pain is perhaps, one of the most deadliest things a person can experience. It won’t heal automatically, it confuses and corrupts the mind, it can tear people apart. So far, it’s been love that has gotten me so stressed. Love, the deadly emotion. It’s supposed to bring so much joy . . .yeah, if the feelings are returned. There’s this lovely thing called a brain, it sometimes interferes with your feelings, it twists them and changes them, it makes you re-think whatever your heart tells you. It’s pure evil.
Currently, I’m lying on my bed, glaring at the sunlight. I could here my door open, then shut again. I can never get any privacy, I’ve been stripped of that right ever since I cut. The worst of it all, was that school was tomorrow, today was the end of winter break. Great, just great, now I have to go back to that hellhole, with Alex, Ramsey, and Skye breathing down my neck. Yippee, I can hardly wait. Right now, I just want to lie and bed and sleep my life away, my love didn’t acknowledge me anyway, and right now it didn’t matter.
It was at that moment the phone decided to ring. Stupid phone, how I loathe it’s existence. It always seems to ring at the moment where it’s *most* inconvenient.
“Shady, it’s for you!” my charming sister calls from downstairs in the kitchen.
Someone loves me up there.
“It’s Ramsey!”
Oh yeah, adores me.
Leaning over to my nightstand, I pick up the cordless phone and place it next to my ear.
“Hello?” I greeted in a bitter and agitated voice.
“Hey Shad! It’s me, Ramsey.” I rolled my eyes. How could he be so happy? “Yeah, I know. Is there anything in particular that you want?”
He answered as if he didn’t have a care in the world, as if he didn’t notice my nasty mood. “Well, me and Alex are going to hang out, wanna come?”
Why did he even bother to ask? He *knows* that I’m going to say yes anyway; he knows that I can never say no, that I please every person I meet (and not in that way, hentai). “Of course.”
“Great! We’ll meet you at your house in about half an hour. Does that sound good to you?”
“Fabulous.”
“I’ll see you then, bye!” With that, he hung up, not waiting for my farewell as he knew he wouldn’t get one.
I sighed. Another day with the guys, another day of me just following them around, listening to their pointless conversations, another day of me wanting to die right then and there. Sounds absolutely entertaining. Well, at least it’ll give me something to do.
~*~
I wonder if I can choke Ramsey with one or two hands. I wonder if he’ll scream for mercy. Will he twitch in agony as he dies?
Okay, so I do not *seriously* wish such a thing upon one of my closest friends, it’s just that he’s annoying me to no belief at this moment. He’s persistently asking me about what I want to do. Does he really think I care? I’m just tagging along because he asked me, not because I have an actual desire to go along. When will he learn?
We stop at an electronics shop, one of who’s name I have no care in knowing, and we step inside. It was filled with little kids and game maniacs, all practically worshiping the latest games. How can they waste their life on such petty things? Well, I guess it’s better than sleeping your life away, at least you do something more exciting. But still, there’s really no point to games. When you win it all, then what do you do? There’s nothing more to it.
We browsed around, not really finding much, we weren’t avid gamers, really.
The whole day was pretty uneventful. So, I just wasted my last day of Winter Break, not that I wouldn’t have wasted it anyway.
We stopped at our usual café, the one where that stupid waitress keeps winking at me. I wonder if she’ll keep winking if I held a knife to her face, yeah, bet she won’t be winking at *me* anymore.
But who should we meet, sitting in the corner of our usual table? It’s the one, the only, Ratio!!! The person that *I*, Shawn Raven, happen to *love*! I love my life (sense any sarcasm?).
“Hey Rat!” Alex greets, happily sitting next to his cousin.
“Hey ‘Lex.” the older Riverton says, smiling at us all. “Hey Rams, hey Shad.”
Ramsey says ‘hey’ as I just nod in acknowledgment. Just because I happen to love him does not mean he should get special treatment and let everyone get suspicious.
We all order our usual drinks, except I get coffee this time. Once again, the waitress winks at me and I have to resist the urge to strangle her.
A few minutes have passed and all of us are sipping our mugs, casually chatting or listening to the occasional poetry. It was serene, peaceful, and a regular day with my friends. It’s just too bad I no longer think that way. I see this as, worthless, stupid, futile, and so on. All I want to do is sulk in my bed, but no, no one will let me. And now school is fast approaching. “Shady?” Ratio whispers to me, as Ramsey and Alex are watching a nearby television. “Are you alright? You’ve been deathly quiet.” “I’m fine.” I respond, almost mechanically. “Really, I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“You don’t seem tired . . .” the handsome Russian responded, examining the Asian’s symptoms. “I’m not a psychologist or anything, but it seems like you’re depressed or something. Anything you want to tell me about?”
I shook my head ‘no’. There was no reason for him to get involved.
Suddenly, I stood up. “I must take my leave now . . .pray excuse . . .” With that, I left the café, but not after leaving the payment for my drink. The sidewalks were still packed with dirty snow, the wind was fierce and unforgiving, but the sun shined as if it were spring or summer. It’s mocking me . . .stupid sun . . .
I made my way home.
I didn’t realize I was being followed.
~*~ Ratio
I watched as the silent angel left the cafe. I narrowed my eyes, this just wasn't the Shady I used to know before. I stared at Ramsey and Alex, their boggled minds were still staring at the screen. I frowned, I really didn't know what was with teens these days. I grabbed my trench coat and slipped it on, leaving a tip as I walked out of the table booth.
Alex noticed me leaving, "Where you going Rat?"
I turned around, I didn't really know what was with my cousin and his multi-billionaire friend. It was like they were just other faces in the crowd. Maybe that was what Shady thought of himself at this moment. Just a third wheel or another tag along.....a lone wolf is more descriptive.
Alex blinked, "You okay, Ratio?"
I then noticed he wanted an answer, I coughed and nodded, "Yeah, I'm just going to head out, if you need me, just call me on my cell phone."
"Okay." Ramsey muttered, not tearing his eyes away from the screen.
I frowned and left the café.
As I opened the door, the brisk wind blew past my jacket causing it to wave back and forth in the wind. I pull the jacket closer to me, feeling the cold run up my spine. I caught a glimpse of the raven and silver hair walk slowly through the streets.
I followed him like a shadow, I really couldn't tell where he might lead me, but I needed some answers. I needed to know what was wrong with him. He couldn't just isolate himself forever. No, not by a long shot.
I sensed he was going to turn around so I skidded sideways behind a building so he couldn't see me. I could see that he was feeling uncomfortable, I would be as well if you felt like someone's eyes were icing down your back. After one last glance, he turned around and began walking again, his pace quickening.
I could tell he was afraid, the fear as his legs moved faster than before. I picked up my pace as well, I didn't want to lose him through the crowds.
Again, he whipped around to try to catch me, but I was faster as I skidded behind another building again. I could tell he was still walking and keeping his eyes behind his back as he continued his way. I needed to keep my eyes on him, even though he was a far distance.
Then the thought hit me....why was he acting so....out-anywhere-but-here? And why did I care? I could still be at the cafe enjoying my time. But I felt upset that Shady wasn't so....himself lately. I've been thinking about the Japanese boy for quite sometime, even at some cases where I feel like he was next to me. But even if his body was there....his soul was anywhere but right in front of me.
The next thought hit me harder, did I have feelings for him? I mean, he's a guy and I'm a guy and I'm falling for him. Well, there is such things as these situations. I have been dating a couple girls, who seem to think of me as the dashing tall dark and handsome type. Really, I never found anything to the female kind exactly. So how could a guy be any different?
The question boggled my mind as every step I took as I followed the Asian from a long distance, did I really care for Shady?.....Or am I just.....curious? Maybe staying with Alex too long was a bad idea.
But....I did seem to notice that Shady hasn't been talking to anyone lately, I mean, he barely even speaks a word. And if he does talk it's just simple sentences and then he just shuts up. I've been keeping my sights on him for quite a while...I must be feeling something for him, if I didn't I would be somewhere else, like at the office or at home.
During the winter break, I've been spending more time with Alex and his friends....which I rarely do in some cases since I'm a very busy guy with a high quality career. Was it because I wanted to be around Shady? Probably yes.
Let's face it, I did have feelings for Shady and now that I came to that conclusion, does he have feelings for me back? The big question of suspense that will never be answered unless I ask, which is something that could either make me happy for the rest of my life, or make me bleed on the sidewalk.
~*~ Shady
I knew someone was following me. It was that little voice in the back of your head that was always right and sometimes drove you to the point of insanity. I knew that that person was probably Ratio, Ramsey, or Alex, most likely the first. Why is he following me, is what I would like to know. I have nothing of his, I haven't opposed him in any way, what does he want with me?
I slowed into a walk, knowing that the teen will continue to follow me . . .he knows where I live anyway. I hope he doesn't ask to enter my house, I need to be alone until The Torture, I need to compose myself so as to keep my reputation. No one, no one except Ramsey, Alex, and my family knows that I had cut, and I don't intend on letting the whole school know.
I neared my home, it was just down a couple of houses from where I was. I stopped in my steps, the wind trying to push me forward. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on my surroundings. The wind made a low whistling sound, and the ruffle of dead leaves could also be heard, the laughter of distant children sounded every so often, and a few times I could hear tires screeching. It seemed so normal for a small neighborhood, and it was, if it were not for the scrunching of snow and light breathing of a stalker. Okay, so it's not a stalker, but he’s acting like one.
I whipped around, not seeing him at all, he was good at hiding, but I did catch his trench coat flying around somewhere at the corner of my eye.
"I know you're there, Ratio,"
No response. What was he trying to do? Haunt my steps? I already got enough people breathing down my neck, why can't he just leave me alone?
Then I remembered what he asked me at the café . . he was concerned, well, he seemed to be the only one who noticed the colors I wore around my neck. Well, he was a doctor after all, when you were into those things, you had to be observant.
I wonder if he just left already, but I felt like he was still there, I could feel his presence, his electric blue eyes staring at me as I try to find where he was. Those sharp eyes always made me stop in my tracks, he was very coy . . .and very mysterious.
He barely talked to Ramsey, he didn't really talk to Alex that much either, but he did seem to talk to me when he had the chance, much to my disliking and maybe much to my bliss. He was very calm and collected at times like this, maybe a little too calm.
“Ratio, I know you're there, now please come out.” The sound of boots crunching snow echoed through the fairly quiet atmosphere. After a few steps, the figure stopped walking. Neither of us moved, only our faint breathing could be heard.
“Why are you following me?”
Silence.
~*~ Ratio
Good question. Why _was_ I following him? I didn't even know the answer myself. Even though it seemed like a question so simple and my answer would've been obvious if I wasn't so silent. I really wasn't the socialize at this, especially when it comes to when you don't know all the answers.
"Ratio, answer me."
I really didn't know what to say. I mean, what could I say? I just felt like stalking you? Hm, sounded like something I would say in my sarcastic moods, but I was serious about this, I needed to know.....but know what?
"I'm just wondering why you left in such a hurry." I said calmly, well, that was part of the truth, at least I'm not lying, besides, one, I suck at lying and two I'm not a good liar anyway. I took another step closer, about one yard away from the Asian. I could tell he was afraid. Who wouldn't after finding out they were being followed.
It was his turn to be silent, I narrowed my eyes, even though he couldn't see it, I took a breath, "I answered your question, now answer mine."
He didn't answer, instead, he kept walking, his pace was faster than before and his house wasn't too far, I was able to catch up with him as I touched his shoulder.
Big mistake. He whipped around and punched my cheek, "Leave me alone!!"
I winced slightly, the kid had a good right hook.
~*~ Shady
I stared in horror. Not only did I punch one of my friends, but I had let my anger take control of me . . .I'm losing control of my emotions.
''Oh God.'' I remarked, caressing his cheek with my bare hand. ''Ratio . . .I'm so sorry.'' My fingers traced over the red cheek, thank God it wasn't bruised.
He closed his eyes. Was that . . .because of my touch? No, he's probably tired and trying to hold his disappointment in me. ''It's alright, Shad., I shouldn't have pried.''
My hand dropped to my side, I didn't deserve to touch such flawless and perfect skin. ''No, it was my fault . . .I couldn't control my anger. It's just . . .so many things have happened . . .'' I decided to avert my eyes to the ground.
I was suddenly staring into the sapphire depths that haunted me so many times. He had tilted my chin up to meet his gaze . . .my heart started to pound. ''What happened?''
I closed my eyes, relishing the feel of Ratio's skin on mine and pondering my answer. ''It's . . .kind of a long story . . .'' The Russian's hand returned to the owner's side. ''P-Perhaps we could talk about it . . .at my place?''
I could hardly contain the smile that crept onto my face as the brunet agreed.
''Funny how I've never seen you actually smile before. You should do it more often, you look really nice.''
I, being incredibly shy, couldn't help but blush. Was he being sincere? He sounded like he was. I shook my head mentally. No, it was only my hope and desire. He couldn't have been honest, I don't look nice at all. ''Come on, my house is just right over there.''
We walked in silence, the grinding of snow being the loudest sound we could hear.
I could have sworn I felt Ratio's hand brush against mine, as if he wanted to hold my hand . . .
Hope must be playing tricks on me again.
~*~ Ratio
We entered into his residence, I blinked, "Where is everyone?" Shady shrugged and went to the kitchen and got one of those gel ice packs and handed it to me. When he handed it to me, my hand brushed past his, I blinked again, did I just see him blush? I shook my head and took the ice pack, I have to get better glasses.
I sat on the counter, "Since we're alone, I guess it would be time to tell the whole situation to me. Are you really sure you want to tell me this? You really don't have to and I respect your privacy."
Shady shook his head, "No, I need to get this out of my chest. Someone only like yourself can understand."
I blinked, I seem to be doing that a lot, but what was Shady meaning? I nodded, "I'm all ears, Shad'."
Shady sighed and pulled back his sleeves. I blinked in confusion, then saw two scars. A scar that could only be caused by a knife or a thin sharp object. I gently took his wrist and gave a closer look, they were very recent. I looked up at Shady, "How?"
"Let's just say, when life is cruel, some take the desperate measures." Shady said, slowly pulling his wrist away. I stared at him, that was a quote of a famous author who killed thems-
No, he couldn't why!? He wouldn't do that sin of fate?!.......Would he?
"You attempted.....suicide?" I was able to choke out, I could tell by now that I was white as a sheet. Shady nodded, seemingly calm about this, "What would you do if you felt like everyone in this world turned against you?"
"You're not saying that you felt like no one cared."
"Life is pointless, Ratio. Don't you see? I've been feeling like I've never had a point in this limbo anyways. When you feel like you're in a never ending maze....always turning towards a dead end."
I stared at him, I just couldn't believe someone so quiet could think things like this, I just wanted to pull him into an embrace and say that I care, that I would never....ever...turn my back on him.
"Does your family know about this?"
"If they didn't, I wouldn't be alive....they were the ones who stopped me....now my life is on strings, I'm just like a finger puppet to them, I can't make my own decisions anymore." He turned to face the counter, his eyes staring at the table, "Everyone is becoming a parasite that's just breathing down my neck, an extra shadow.........another person who is taking over your life.....like cigarettes controlling your body.....they have control of your life and your wallet."
Shady turned to the other direction, avoiding my eyes, "It's hopeless, people just want me to suffer here in the seven hells of life. No one cares."
"You're wrong, Shady."
He turned around, I found out that I was the one who said that. He stared at me, his sapphire eyes looking up at me, "What?"
"I said that you're wrong Shady, there are people who care about you." I placed my hands firmly on his shoulders, "Your family cares, your friends care.....I care."
He stared at me for a moment, then I thought about what I said. Oh Lord.....my cover's blown, he's going to figure it out any minute now....
~*~ Shady
My whole body went frigid. Did he . . .mean that? He can't have . . .but he just said that he did, no doubt about it. But if he cared . . .if he *actually* cared . . . ''No.'' I said firmly, not believing it, no matter how much I wanted to. ''You don't.''
His eyes softened. ''But I-''
I cut him off, I had enough of his lies, I do not wish to hear this. ''NO! You don't! You're just like *everyone* else! Always trying to make me feel better, but never really meaning anything! Always telling me lies, just so that I can go back to the *perfect* Shady that all of you know and love! You guys are always telling me how we're best friends, yet I don't really think you believe that yourself!''
Ratio looked amazed . . .and confused. ''But Shady, we *are* your friends!''
I childishly covered my ears with the palms of my hands. ''No more lies!''
''Shady! Listen, you're being both immature and foolish! This isn't like your regular self''
''And what would you know about my regular self?!''
He went silent. I knew what he was thinking. How *would* he know my true self . . .how *could* he? Masks can be a dangerous thing and makes one rethink if they truly know a person.
''Shady . . .even if I don't know your true self, I still want t-''
I slammed my fist on the counter, successfully quieting the Russian. ''You don't get it! I don’t trust ANYONE! Why? Because *nobody* has *ever* cared!!! NOBODY! Not even my parents or sister! If anyone actually cared, they'd ask what was wrong! They'd ask if I'm feeling alright! They would be able to *tell* whether I'm lying or not! And now that I'm being watched, they all act as if everything's back to normal! They don't trust me, and I suppose they shouldn't, but FRIENDS TRUST EACH OTHER!!!!''
I fell to my knees, not being able to stand the emotional blows. This is exactly what I felt that day . . .I could feel hot tears run down my cheeks and I didn't do a thing to stop it, but Ratio did. He was kneeling down in front of me, his hand on my cheek, gently brushing off the tears. Before I could even blush or push the hand off, Ratio leaned forward and embraced me in a sympathetic hug.
Soothing words calmed my hysteric sobbing, and I could feel myself relax in his comforting arms. I wanted to stay like this forever . . .
When I felt my tears lift, and my breathing returned to normal, I looked up, and found myself gazing into cerulean . . .the most beautiful shade of blue I have ever seen. Caught in the moment, I leaned up. Was it my imagination, or was Ratio leaning down? Whatever it was, I didn't really care. Just as long as it's me and Rati-
*ding dong*
Whoever is at the door better have a death wish.
~*~ Ratio
I pulled away from the fallen angel and glared at the door, I swear I was going to literally send death to whoever was at the door. I helped Shady up, I really was so damn close, so close of taking his lips to mine and-
*dingdong*
"Alright Alright!" Shady grumbled, looking rather annoyed. He opened the door and I saw Ramsey and Alex. For a second, I thought Shady was going to slam the door on them.
Shady didn't answer so I talked for him, "What the hell do you want?!" Oh gee, that was so polite. Ramsey blinked at me, usually used to the quiet side of me, "What's wrong with you Doc?"
I grumbled a curse, "Nothing, nothing at all."
Alex looked at me, he knew there was something wrong, "Ratio, are you alright, you look like you're going to kill someone."
I twitched, I'm just amazed that a dutz like him could figure _that_ out.
Ramsey looked like he was trying to shove the bad feeling about me being pissed aside and then went to the reason why he came to Shady's house in the first place, "Er Ratio, we're just here to ask you if we can borrow your car to-"
"Fine, take the car, but if I see one dent on that thing, Risley I will seriously break your spinal cord." I tossed the keys at the blonde, causing both Alex and Ramsey to jump at my antics.
Shady looked at me, noticing how pissed I was, I straightened out my trench coat and cleared my throat, "Now if you'll excuse me, Shady and I have some business to talk about." With that, I took his hand and I squeezed my way (More like pushed) through the other two shocked teens.
Once we turned the corner towards my place, I slowly loosened my grip on Shady's hand. He looked at me, "Ratio?"
I turned my head, my eyes softening a little, "Shady, you deserve much better. When we get to my apartment, there's something I need to tell you." He looked at me in confusion. It's about time that someone besides myself knew about my secret.
~*~ Shady
A Secret? What secret? Was there more to Ratio than it seemed? Ratio was the very mysterious guy who seemed oh so handsome in the shadows. He never seemed to be the type of guy to hold something behind the face that I saw everyday.
We stopped at the local apartments where Ratio lived, even though he had a very nice car, he went slightly cheap on the living expenses. Hey, money comes rough these days. (Billie: No kidding man) We entered the building and took the elevator towards his room, which was at the very top.
We waited for the elevator to stop in silence, I would often glance at Ratio, but I swear he has sensors on those glasses of his since usually turns to me, which making myself turn away. His eyes are something that would freeze me in my tracks.
When the elevator came to a stop and opened, we both headed towards his room. As we walked he stuffed his hand into his coat pocket and pulled out a key card, and stopped at room 247, placing his card in the slot waiting patiently for it to change light color from red to green. He opened the door and gestured me in. I nodded quickly and entered, then after a few seconds the Russian followed.
I liked how he arranged the room. It was very casual and laid back. It was simple with clad black furniture and glass coffee with side tables. There were a couple plants here and there, plus a Venus Fly Trap that was near the window sill, which had it's mouth open, waiting for an innocent fly to smell the sweet nectar and step into it's mouth only to look death in the eye.
Just like I looked death in the eye, which I was so close of looking the black angel of death in the eye.
The Russian gestured me to sit down as I slowly took a seat on the couch. He remained standing, looking at me with those eyes, the eyes that seemed to tower over me, yet still held that aura that I fell in love with.
Mystery. Full of wonder and mystery. Something I desperately wanted to solve ever since I laid eyes on him. A mystery that I wanted to master....to know what is in Ratio inside and out.
Ratio then turned away slightly, looking out the window, it was letting a little bit of sun in, the rays seeping through and bathing the fly trap plant with it's warm rays. His eyes were suddenly sullen and sulked, it was like he was depressed for some reason.
"Ratio?" I whispered, my voice slightly cracked in my through since I haven't spoken when we left my house. Ratio didn't turn his head, but he said in a deep, emotionless tone, "They say that dying was an art, that everyone dies for a certain reason, and for a certain cause...No one dies without a reason. You attempted to look at the Death Angel in the eye because you felt like there was no difference for you.....I know how it feels Shawn."
I blinked, it was the first time he called me by my birthright name before. And what did he mean by when he knew how I felt, he has everything, he has a family who trusts him, he has friends to turn to and even has a future, what does he know?
He crossed his arms behind his back and walked towards the window, the sun soaking the rays against his perfect skin, not to pale, not to tan, just perfect. His whole features were gifts that the gods have spent their time on to shape his perfect form. He turned his head slightly, I could see the corner of his eyes looking to the floor.
"The feeling like the whole world was turned away from you you, like the darkness was eating you up inside and out, you feel like everyone is against you....like its a war in your head, options are low and there's no way out.......and like you said, when life is cruel, some take the desperate measures."
The last 9 words droned on and on in my head, that's when the whole thing came together.
"No.....you couldn't.....You....You attempted suicide before!?!" I yelled out. I didn't want to accept that, Ratio is the _last_ person on my list to do such thing, what madness caused him to cross the line?!
Ratio turned around to face me, his eyes glistened in the lack of light. He nodded slowly, I felt the blood rush from my heart, I felt guilt drain my body like ice cold rain. How....why?
Ratio looked down, his auburn locks slightly foreshadowed his face, "Long time ago....even Alex doesn't know about this."
I stared at him, "What happened?"
He didn't lift his head, I could feel the tension in the room. The sound of silence and my heart pounding against my ribs, I was worried, I want to help Ratio.....like he helped me.
He opened my eyes....now I need to open his.
~*~Ratio
I took a slow and shallow breath that escaped my lips and said slowly, "It was when I was only seven...before I met Alex, I lived with my brother and my parents...one day when I was in my room, I smelled something funny, it wasn't mom cooking something, and it wasn't anything ordinary....that's when smoke seeped from the cracks of my bedroom door. I started to panic, I went outisde my room to see flames engulfing the whole house, before I had time to notice that fact, I heard my mother's screams from downstairs, I tried to get downstairs to save her, dad and my brother....but by the time I got downstairs, my lungs couldn't take the smoke anymore.....and I went out....then I woke up in a hospital..only to be greeted by doctors...they said that...I was lucky."
I saw Shady stare in shock, I know he hasn't heard of me having a brother, neither did Alex.
I bit my bottom lip and then said, "After I was taken in by Alex's father, I was a loner...I never spoke to anyone...I kept on thinking of that day...that day when the fire tore my family apart...taking the people I love out of my reach. I knew they were in a better place...but I wasn't."
I stared at the floor, not making eye contact with the Asian, "Then one day....I couldn't take hell's medicine anymore. I couldn't take the torture of living another sunset without my family. I took that knife near my neck...about to slit my throat...but Alex came in...since he was six, he really didn't understand of what I was about to do. So I couldn't do it....not even in front of Alex...I didn't want my own mistakes written in stone in Alex's mind. He was just too naive about these things. I didn't want him to follow my footsteps."
~*~Shady
I stared at Ratio, his head was looking down, telling by his voice, he was shaken. I didn't know that this would happen to Ratio...he didn't deserve this, not at all.
Then I saw something crystal like come near the side of Ratio's cheek. My eyes widened....he was crying.
This was the first time I saw him cry. He was so in the shadows and wasn't the type of guy to look like he was going to cry. He didn't need just sympathy, he needed someone that would love him, someone that would be there for him, someone that he could turn to.
Without any warning, I leapt onto the unsuspecting Russian,and embraced him tightly. Nobody deserved this pain, especially not one as angellic as the boy in my arms. Why must the devil always pick on the most innocent of people? I would never have wished such a fate upon Ratio...he deserves much better...
"Ratio...I'm so sorry, you should have never gone through this..." I whispered, clutching on to the much taller boy.
He hugged me back, which was more than a shock for me. "That's how life is...nothing is fair. Now please, Shady, please don't try to commit suicide again...I wouldn't be able to handle your death..."
I pulled away, but slightly, so I could look into his striking cerulean eyes. Those usually content and calm eyes were now rimmed with a bloody crimson. It looked...out of place...yet still beautiful to me.
Memories and all thoughts were pushed aside as the two of us were getting closer and closer. I was completely oblivious to everything else besides the fallen angel in front of me. The world blocked out, our heartbeats intertwined with one another, and we met in a soul-searing kiss.
It was utter bliss, I never felt anything like it. It was it's own feeling, it couldn't be explained in mere words, you have to experience it to understand.
The harshness of reality brought it's heavy weight down upon us, as we realized that we were running out of oxygen. The heavens just won't allow us to enjoy anything, do they? Or maybe it's just the Underworld wanting us to suffer again.
We pulled apart, but not very far apart, as our faces were still close together. I could feel his warm breath on me, it felt nice knowing that he's real and not just some cruel mind game.
I thanked every god that was thought to be in existance as the brunet hugged me even closer. For once in a very long time, I felt truly happy. I was no longer wearing that fake mask that everyone was familiar with. I was finally free and able to be myself. I felt a long-carried burden finally dissappear into nothingness.
I just pray to any higher being that this isn't a joke...please let this be real...
~*~
Billie: That's all for this chapter! ^_^
Ratio: *still holding Shady* Now that was a happy ending.
Shady: Wait a minute....you said chapter...don't tell me there's more.
Billie: Oh don't worry boys. It's nothing that bad.
Ratio: I don't believe one word out of your mouth.
Ja: What if I said that there was a lemon coming up?
Shady: On second thought, we believe you!! ^_^;;
Billie: That's better.
Ja: And we might add Ramsey/Alex to the next chapter...and speaking of Ramsey and Alex....where are they?
:moans are heard from another room:
Billie: -_-U Does that answer your question?
Ratio: Speaking of lemon *carries Shady to the nearest bedroom*
Billie: Guess you can't stop the horniness of men....or the world wouldn't have kids who even get hornier >_>
Ja: O_o;; I didn't get that at all.
Billie: Pretend I said nothing.
Ja: ^_^; Alright.
Shady: I suppose it involves me, eh?
Ja: Of course it does! ^_^
Shady: Yay
Ja: Don't worry, I'll make sure I don’t torture you *too* much
Shady: I feel so relieved
Ja: I sense sarcasm
Shady: Nice job, Miss Obvious, you deserve a cookie Ja: I already *own* a cookie ::smiles proudly::
Shady: -.-
Ja: Now let’s get on with it!
Cause When There’s You
I hate life. It’s so insignificant, so stupid, so pointless, I really don’t see the reason for living. We all end up dying anyway, it’s not as if it truly matters. We end up dying, and experience pain and misery along the way. Why can’t I just stab myself and die? Why can’t my friends and family just get over the fact that I cut myself? I only did it once, and it’s not like I’ll do it again for I found love. Even if I wanted to attempt suicide, I wouldn’t be able to do it while they’re watching me like a freaking hawk.
Did I tell you how much pain I’ve suffered? I know many people are worse off than me, the people living in third-world countries, the people in the streets, but I just can’t take this. Emotional pain is perhaps, one of the most deadliest things a person can experience. It won’t heal automatically, it confuses and corrupts the mind, it can tear people apart. So far, it’s been love that has gotten me so stressed. Love, the deadly emotion. It’s supposed to bring so much joy . . .yeah, if the feelings are returned. There’s this lovely thing called a brain, it sometimes interferes with your feelings, it twists them and changes them, it makes you re-think whatever your heart tells you. It’s pure evil.
Currently, I’m lying on my bed, glaring at the sunlight. I could here my door open, then shut again. I can never get any privacy, I’ve been stripped of that right ever since I cut. The worst of it all, was that school was tomorrow, today was the end of winter break. Great, just great, now I have to go back to that hellhole, with Alex, Ramsey, and Skye breathing down my neck. Yippee, I can hardly wait. Right now, I just want to lie and bed and sleep my life away, my love didn’t acknowledge me anyway, and right now it didn’t matter.
It was at that moment the phone decided to ring. Stupid phone, how I loathe it’s existence. It always seems to ring at the moment where it’s *most* inconvenient.
“Shady, it’s for you!” my charming sister calls from downstairs in the kitchen.
Someone loves me up there.
“It’s Ramsey!”
Oh yeah, adores me.
Leaning over to my nightstand, I pick up the cordless phone and place it next to my ear.
“Hello?” I greeted in a bitter and agitated voice.
“Hey Shad! It’s me, Ramsey.” I rolled my eyes. How could he be so happy? “Yeah, I know. Is there anything in particular that you want?”
He answered as if he didn’t have a care in the world, as if he didn’t notice my nasty mood. “Well, me and Alex are going to hang out, wanna come?”
Why did he even bother to ask? He *knows* that I’m going to say yes anyway; he knows that I can never say no, that I please every person I meet (and not in that way, hentai). “Of course.”
“Great! We’ll meet you at your house in about half an hour. Does that sound good to you?”
“Fabulous.”
“I’ll see you then, bye!” With that, he hung up, not waiting for my farewell as he knew he wouldn’t get one.
I sighed. Another day with the guys, another day of me just following them around, listening to their pointless conversations, another day of me wanting to die right then and there. Sounds absolutely entertaining. Well, at least it’ll give me something to do.
~*~
I wonder if I can choke Ramsey with one or two hands. I wonder if he’ll scream for mercy. Will he twitch in agony as he dies?
Okay, so I do not *seriously* wish such a thing upon one of my closest friends, it’s just that he’s annoying me to no belief at this moment. He’s persistently asking me about what I want to do. Does he really think I care? I’m just tagging along because he asked me, not because I have an actual desire to go along. When will he learn?
We stop at an electronics shop, one of who’s name I have no care in knowing, and we step inside. It was filled with little kids and game maniacs, all practically worshiping the latest games. How can they waste their life on such petty things? Well, I guess it’s better than sleeping your life away, at least you do something more exciting. But still, there’s really no point to games. When you win it all, then what do you do? There’s nothing more to it.
We browsed around, not really finding much, we weren’t avid gamers, really.
The whole day was pretty uneventful. So, I just wasted my last day of Winter Break, not that I wouldn’t have wasted it anyway.
We stopped at our usual café, the one where that stupid waitress keeps winking at me. I wonder if she’ll keep winking if I held a knife to her face, yeah, bet she won’t be winking at *me* anymore.
But who should we meet, sitting in the corner of our usual table? It’s the one, the only, Ratio!!! The person that *I*, Shawn Raven, happen to *love*! I love my life (sense any sarcasm?).
“Hey Rat!” Alex greets, happily sitting next to his cousin.
“Hey ‘Lex.” the older Riverton says, smiling at us all. “Hey Rams, hey Shad.”
Ramsey says ‘hey’ as I just nod in acknowledgment. Just because I happen to love him does not mean he should get special treatment and let everyone get suspicious.
We all order our usual drinks, except I get coffee this time. Once again, the waitress winks at me and I have to resist the urge to strangle her.
A few minutes have passed and all of us are sipping our mugs, casually chatting or listening to the occasional poetry. It was serene, peaceful, and a regular day with my friends. It’s just too bad I no longer think that way. I see this as, worthless, stupid, futile, and so on. All I want to do is sulk in my bed, but no, no one will let me. And now school is fast approaching. “Shady?” Ratio whispers to me, as Ramsey and Alex are watching a nearby television. “Are you alright? You’ve been deathly quiet.” “I’m fine.” I respond, almost mechanically. “Really, I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“You don’t seem tired . . .” the handsome Russian responded, examining the Asian’s symptoms. “I’m not a psychologist or anything, but it seems like you’re depressed or something. Anything you want to tell me about?”
I shook my head ‘no’. There was no reason for him to get involved.
Suddenly, I stood up. “I must take my leave now . . .pray excuse . . .” With that, I left the café, but not after leaving the payment for my drink. The sidewalks were still packed with dirty snow, the wind was fierce and unforgiving, but the sun shined as if it were spring or summer. It’s mocking me . . .stupid sun . . .
I made my way home.
I didn’t realize I was being followed.
~*~ Ratio
I watched as the silent angel left the cafe. I narrowed my eyes, this just wasn't the Shady I used to know before. I stared at Ramsey and Alex, their boggled minds were still staring at the screen. I frowned, I really didn't know what was with teens these days. I grabbed my trench coat and slipped it on, leaving a tip as I walked out of the table booth.
Alex noticed me leaving, "Where you going Rat?"
I turned around, I didn't really know what was with my cousin and his multi-billionaire friend. It was like they were just other faces in the crowd. Maybe that was what Shady thought of himself at this moment. Just a third wheel or another tag along.....a lone wolf is more descriptive.
Alex blinked, "You okay, Ratio?"
I then noticed he wanted an answer, I coughed and nodded, "Yeah, I'm just going to head out, if you need me, just call me on my cell phone."
"Okay." Ramsey muttered, not tearing his eyes away from the screen.
I frowned and left the café.
As I opened the door, the brisk wind blew past my jacket causing it to wave back and forth in the wind. I pull the jacket closer to me, feeling the cold run up my spine. I caught a glimpse of the raven and silver hair walk slowly through the streets.
I followed him like a shadow, I really couldn't tell where he might lead me, but I needed some answers. I needed to know what was wrong with him. He couldn't just isolate himself forever. No, not by a long shot.
I sensed he was going to turn around so I skidded sideways behind a building so he couldn't see me. I could see that he was feeling uncomfortable, I would be as well if you felt like someone's eyes were icing down your back. After one last glance, he turned around and began walking again, his pace quickening.
I could tell he was afraid, the fear as his legs moved faster than before. I picked up my pace as well, I didn't want to lose him through the crowds.
Again, he whipped around to try to catch me, but I was faster as I skidded behind another building again. I could tell he was still walking and keeping his eyes behind his back as he continued his way. I needed to keep my eyes on him, even though he was a far distance.
Then the thought hit me....why was he acting so....out-anywhere-but-here? And why did I care? I could still be at the cafe enjoying my time. But I felt upset that Shady wasn't so....himself lately. I've been thinking about the Japanese boy for quite sometime, even at some cases where I feel like he was next to me. But even if his body was there....his soul was anywhere but right in front of me.
The next thought hit me harder, did I have feelings for him? I mean, he's a guy and I'm a guy and I'm falling for him. Well, there is such things as these situations. I have been dating a couple girls, who seem to think of me as the dashing tall dark and handsome type. Really, I never found anything to the female kind exactly. So how could a guy be any different?
The question boggled my mind as every step I took as I followed the Asian from a long distance, did I really care for Shady?.....Or am I just.....curious? Maybe staying with Alex too long was a bad idea.
But....I did seem to notice that Shady hasn't been talking to anyone lately, I mean, he barely even speaks a word. And if he does talk it's just simple sentences and then he just shuts up. I've been keeping my sights on him for quite a while...I must be feeling something for him, if I didn't I would be somewhere else, like at the office or at home.
During the winter break, I've been spending more time with Alex and his friends....which I rarely do in some cases since I'm a very busy guy with a high quality career. Was it because I wanted to be around Shady? Probably yes.
Let's face it, I did have feelings for Shady and now that I came to that conclusion, does he have feelings for me back? The big question of suspense that will never be answered unless I ask, which is something that could either make me happy for the rest of my life, or make me bleed on the sidewalk.
~*~ Shady
I knew someone was following me. It was that little voice in the back of your head that was always right and sometimes drove you to the point of insanity. I knew that that person was probably Ratio, Ramsey, or Alex, most likely the first. Why is he following me, is what I would like to know. I have nothing of his, I haven't opposed him in any way, what does he want with me?
I slowed into a walk, knowing that the teen will continue to follow me . . .he knows where I live anyway. I hope he doesn't ask to enter my house, I need to be alone until The Torture, I need to compose myself so as to keep my reputation. No one, no one except Ramsey, Alex, and my family knows that I had cut, and I don't intend on letting the whole school know.
I neared my home, it was just down a couple of houses from where I was. I stopped in my steps, the wind trying to push me forward. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on my surroundings. The wind made a low whistling sound, and the ruffle of dead leaves could also be heard, the laughter of distant children sounded every so often, and a few times I could hear tires screeching. It seemed so normal for a small neighborhood, and it was, if it were not for the scrunching of snow and light breathing of a stalker. Okay, so it's not a stalker, but he’s acting like one.
I whipped around, not seeing him at all, he was good at hiding, but I did catch his trench coat flying around somewhere at the corner of my eye.
"I know you're there, Ratio,"
No response. What was he trying to do? Haunt my steps? I already got enough people breathing down my neck, why can't he just leave me alone?
Then I remembered what he asked me at the café . . he was concerned, well, he seemed to be the only one who noticed the colors I wore around my neck. Well, he was a doctor after all, when you were into those things, you had to be observant.
I wonder if he just left already, but I felt like he was still there, I could feel his presence, his electric blue eyes staring at me as I try to find where he was. Those sharp eyes always made me stop in my tracks, he was very coy . . .and very mysterious.
He barely talked to Ramsey, he didn't really talk to Alex that much either, but he did seem to talk to me when he had the chance, much to my disliking and maybe much to my bliss. He was very calm and collected at times like this, maybe a little too calm.
“Ratio, I know you're there, now please come out.” The sound of boots crunching snow echoed through the fairly quiet atmosphere. After a few steps, the figure stopped walking. Neither of us moved, only our faint breathing could be heard.
“Why are you following me?”
Silence.
~*~ Ratio
Good question. Why _was_ I following him? I didn't even know the answer myself. Even though it seemed like a question so simple and my answer would've been obvious if I wasn't so silent. I really wasn't the socialize at this, especially when it comes to when you don't know all the answers.
"Ratio, answer me."
I really didn't know what to say. I mean, what could I say? I just felt like stalking you? Hm, sounded like something I would say in my sarcastic moods, but I was serious about this, I needed to know.....but know what?
"I'm just wondering why you left in such a hurry." I said calmly, well, that was part of the truth, at least I'm not lying, besides, one, I suck at lying and two I'm not a good liar anyway. I took another step closer, about one yard away from the Asian. I could tell he was afraid. Who wouldn't after finding out they were being followed.
It was his turn to be silent, I narrowed my eyes, even though he couldn't see it, I took a breath, "I answered your question, now answer mine."
He didn't answer, instead, he kept walking, his pace was faster than before and his house wasn't too far, I was able to catch up with him as I touched his shoulder.
Big mistake. He whipped around and punched my cheek, "Leave me alone!!"
I winced slightly, the kid had a good right hook.
~*~ Shady
I stared in horror. Not only did I punch one of my friends, but I had let my anger take control of me . . .I'm losing control of my emotions.
''Oh God.'' I remarked, caressing his cheek with my bare hand. ''Ratio . . .I'm so sorry.'' My fingers traced over the red cheek, thank God it wasn't bruised.
He closed his eyes. Was that . . .because of my touch? No, he's probably tired and trying to hold his disappointment in me. ''It's alright, Shad., I shouldn't have pried.''
My hand dropped to my side, I didn't deserve to touch such flawless and perfect skin. ''No, it was my fault . . .I couldn't control my anger. It's just . . .so many things have happened . . .'' I decided to avert my eyes to the ground.
I was suddenly staring into the sapphire depths that haunted me so many times. He had tilted my chin up to meet his gaze . . .my heart started to pound. ''What happened?''
I closed my eyes, relishing the feel of Ratio's skin on mine and pondering my answer. ''It's . . .kind of a long story . . .'' The Russian's hand returned to the owner's side. ''P-Perhaps we could talk about it . . .at my place?''
I could hardly contain the smile that crept onto my face as the brunet agreed.
''Funny how I've never seen you actually smile before. You should do it more often, you look really nice.''
I, being incredibly shy, couldn't help but blush. Was he being sincere? He sounded like he was. I shook my head mentally. No, it was only my hope and desire. He couldn't have been honest, I don't look nice at all. ''Come on, my house is just right over there.''
We walked in silence, the grinding of snow being the loudest sound we could hear.
I could have sworn I felt Ratio's hand brush against mine, as if he wanted to hold my hand . . .
Hope must be playing tricks on me again.
~*~ Ratio
We entered into his residence, I blinked, "Where is everyone?" Shady shrugged and went to the kitchen and got one of those gel ice packs and handed it to me. When he handed it to me, my hand brushed past his, I blinked again, did I just see him blush? I shook my head and took the ice pack, I have to get better glasses.
I sat on the counter, "Since we're alone, I guess it would be time to tell the whole situation to me. Are you really sure you want to tell me this? You really don't have to and I respect your privacy."
Shady shook his head, "No, I need to get this out of my chest. Someone only like yourself can understand."
I blinked, I seem to be doing that a lot, but what was Shady meaning? I nodded, "I'm all ears, Shad'."
Shady sighed and pulled back his sleeves. I blinked in confusion, then saw two scars. A scar that could only be caused by a knife or a thin sharp object. I gently took his wrist and gave a closer look, they were very recent. I looked up at Shady, "How?"
"Let's just say, when life is cruel, some take the desperate measures." Shady said, slowly pulling his wrist away. I stared at him, that was a quote of a famous author who killed thems-
No, he couldn't why!? He wouldn't do that sin of fate?!.......Would he?
"You attempted.....suicide?" I was able to choke out, I could tell by now that I was white as a sheet. Shady nodded, seemingly calm about this, "What would you do if you felt like everyone in this world turned against you?"
"You're not saying that you felt like no one cared."
"Life is pointless, Ratio. Don't you see? I've been feeling like I've never had a point in this limbo anyways. When you feel like you're in a never ending maze....always turning towards a dead end."
I stared at him, I just couldn't believe someone so quiet could think things like this, I just wanted to pull him into an embrace and say that I care, that I would never....ever...turn my back on him.
"Does your family know about this?"
"If they didn't, I wouldn't be alive....they were the ones who stopped me....now my life is on strings, I'm just like a finger puppet to them, I can't make my own decisions anymore." He turned to face the counter, his eyes staring at the table, "Everyone is becoming a parasite that's just breathing down my neck, an extra shadow.........another person who is taking over your life.....like cigarettes controlling your body.....they have control of your life and your wallet."
Shady turned to the other direction, avoiding my eyes, "It's hopeless, people just want me to suffer here in the seven hells of life. No one cares."
"You're wrong, Shady."
He turned around, I found out that I was the one who said that. He stared at me, his sapphire eyes looking up at me, "What?"
"I said that you're wrong Shady, there are people who care about you." I placed my hands firmly on his shoulders, "Your family cares, your friends care.....I care."
He stared at me for a moment, then I thought about what I said. Oh Lord.....my cover's blown, he's going to figure it out any minute now....
~*~ Shady
My whole body went frigid. Did he . . .mean that? He can't have . . .but he just said that he did, no doubt about it. But if he cared . . .if he *actually* cared . . . ''No.'' I said firmly, not believing it, no matter how much I wanted to. ''You don't.''
His eyes softened. ''But I-''
I cut him off, I had enough of his lies, I do not wish to hear this. ''NO! You don't! You're just like *everyone* else! Always trying to make me feel better, but never really meaning anything! Always telling me lies, just so that I can go back to the *perfect* Shady that all of you know and love! You guys are always telling me how we're best friends, yet I don't really think you believe that yourself!''
Ratio looked amazed . . .and confused. ''But Shady, we *are* your friends!''
I childishly covered my ears with the palms of my hands. ''No more lies!''
''Shady! Listen, you're being both immature and foolish! This isn't like your regular self''
''And what would you know about my regular self?!''
He went silent. I knew what he was thinking. How *would* he know my true self . . .how *could* he? Masks can be a dangerous thing and makes one rethink if they truly know a person.
''Shady . . .even if I don't know your true self, I still want t-''
I slammed my fist on the counter, successfully quieting the Russian. ''You don't get it! I don’t trust ANYONE! Why? Because *nobody* has *ever* cared!!! NOBODY! Not even my parents or sister! If anyone actually cared, they'd ask what was wrong! They'd ask if I'm feeling alright! They would be able to *tell* whether I'm lying or not! And now that I'm being watched, they all act as if everything's back to normal! They don't trust me, and I suppose they shouldn't, but FRIENDS TRUST EACH OTHER!!!!''
I fell to my knees, not being able to stand the emotional blows. This is exactly what I felt that day . . .I could feel hot tears run down my cheeks and I didn't do a thing to stop it, but Ratio did. He was kneeling down in front of me, his hand on my cheek, gently brushing off the tears. Before I could even blush or push the hand off, Ratio leaned forward and embraced me in a sympathetic hug.
Soothing words calmed my hysteric sobbing, and I could feel myself relax in his comforting arms. I wanted to stay like this forever . . .
When I felt my tears lift, and my breathing returned to normal, I looked up, and found myself gazing into cerulean . . .the most beautiful shade of blue I have ever seen. Caught in the moment, I leaned up. Was it my imagination, or was Ratio leaning down? Whatever it was, I didn't really care. Just as long as it's me and Rati-
*ding dong*
Whoever is at the door better have a death wish.
~*~ Ratio
I pulled away from the fallen angel and glared at the door, I swear I was going to literally send death to whoever was at the door. I helped Shady up, I really was so damn close, so close of taking his lips to mine and-
*dingdong*
"Alright Alright!" Shady grumbled, looking rather annoyed. He opened the door and I saw Ramsey and Alex. For a second, I thought Shady was going to slam the door on them.
Shady didn't answer so I talked for him, "What the hell do you want?!" Oh gee, that was so polite. Ramsey blinked at me, usually used to the quiet side of me, "What's wrong with you Doc?"
I grumbled a curse, "Nothing, nothing at all."
Alex looked at me, he knew there was something wrong, "Ratio, are you alright, you look like you're going to kill someone."
I twitched, I'm just amazed that a dutz like him could figure _that_ out.
Ramsey looked like he was trying to shove the bad feeling about me being pissed aside and then went to the reason why he came to Shady's house in the first place, "Er Ratio, we're just here to ask you if we can borrow your car to-"
"Fine, take the car, but if I see one dent on that thing, Risley I will seriously break your spinal cord." I tossed the keys at the blonde, causing both Alex and Ramsey to jump at my antics.
Shady looked at me, noticing how pissed I was, I straightened out my trench coat and cleared my throat, "Now if you'll excuse me, Shady and I have some business to talk about." With that, I took his hand and I squeezed my way (More like pushed) through the other two shocked teens.
Once we turned the corner towards my place, I slowly loosened my grip on Shady's hand. He looked at me, "Ratio?"
I turned my head, my eyes softening a little, "Shady, you deserve much better. When we get to my apartment, there's something I need to tell you." He looked at me in confusion. It's about time that someone besides myself knew about my secret.
~*~ Shady
A Secret? What secret? Was there more to Ratio than it seemed? Ratio was the very mysterious guy who seemed oh so handsome in the shadows. He never seemed to be the type of guy to hold something behind the face that I saw everyday.
We stopped at the local apartments where Ratio lived, even though he had a very nice car, he went slightly cheap on the living expenses. Hey, money comes rough these days. (Billie: No kidding man) We entered the building and took the elevator towards his room, which was at the very top.
We waited for the elevator to stop in silence, I would often glance at Ratio, but I swear he has sensors on those glasses of his since usually turns to me, which making myself turn away. His eyes are something that would freeze me in my tracks.
When the elevator came to a stop and opened, we both headed towards his room. As we walked he stuffed his hand into his coat pocket and pulled out a key card, and stopped at room 247, placing his card in the slot waiting patiently for it to change light color from red to green. He opened the door and gestured me in. I nodded quickly and entered, then after a few seconds the Russian followed.
I liked how he arranged the room. It was very casual and laid back. It was simple with clad black furniture and glass coffee with side tables. There were a couple plants here and there, plus a Venus Fly Trap that was near the window sill, which had it's mouth open, waiting for an innocent fly to smell the sweet nectar and step into it's mouth only to look death in the eye.
Just like I looked death in the eye, which I was so close of looking the black angel of death in the eye.
The Russian gestured me to sit down as I slowly took a seat on the couch. He remained standing, looking at me with those eyes, the eyes that seemed to tower over me, yet still held that aura that I fell in love with.
Mystery. Full of wonder and mystery. Something I desperately wanted to solve ever since I laid eyes on him. A mystery that I wanted to master....to know what is in Ratio inside and out.
Ratio then turned away slightly, looking out the window, it was letting a little bit of sun in, the rays seeping through and bathing the fly trap plant with it's warm rays. His eyes were suddenly sullen and sulked, it was like he was depressed for some reason.
"Ratio?" I whispered, my voice slightly cracked in my through since I haven't spoken when we left my house. Ratio didn't turn his head, but he said in a deep, emotionless tone, "They say that dying was an art, that everyone dies for a certain reason, and for a certain cause...No one dies without a reason. You attempted to look at the Death Angel in the eye because you felt like there was no difference for you.....I know how it feels Shawn."
I blinked, it was the first time he called me by my birthright name before. And what did he mean by when he knew how I felt, he has everything, he has a family who trusts him, he has friends to turn to and even has a future, what does he know?
He crossed his arms behind his back and walked towards the window, the sun soaking the rays against his perfect skin, not to pale, not to tan, just perfect. His whole features were gifts that the gods have spent their time on to shape his perfect form. He turned his head slightly, I could see the corner of his eyes looking to the floor.
"The feeling like the whole world was turned away from you you, like the darkness was eating you up inside and out, you feel like everyone is against you....like its a war in your head, options are low and there's no way out.......and like you said, when life is cruel, some take the desperate measures."
The last 9 words droned on and on in my head, that's when the whole thing came together.
"No.....you couldn't.....You....You attempted suicide before!?!" I yelled out. I didn't want to accept that, Ratio is the _last_ person on my list to do such thing, what madness caused him to cross the line?!
Ratio turned around to face me, his eyes glistened in the lack of light. He nodded slowly, I felt the blood rush from my heart, I felt guilt drain my body like ice cold rain. How....why?
Ratio looked down, his auburn locks slightly foreshadowed his face, "Long time ago....even Alex doesn't know about this."
I stared at him, "What happened?"
He didn't lift his head, I could feel the tension in the room. The sound of silence and my heart pounding against my ribs, I was worried, I want to help Ratio.....like he helped me.
He opened my eyes....now I need to open his.
~*~Ratio
I took a slow and shallow breath that escaped my lips and said slowly, "It was when I was only seven...before I met Alex, I lived with my brother and my parents...one day when I was in my room, I smelled something funny, it wasn't mom cooking something, and it wasn't anything ordinary....that's when smoke seeped from the cracks of my bedroom door. I started to panic, I went outisde my room to see flames engulfing the whole house, before I had time to notice that fact, I heard my mother's screams from downstairs, I tried to get downstairs to save her, dad and my brother....but by the time I got downstairs, my lungs couldn't take the smoke anymore.....and I went out....then I woke up in a hospital..only to be greeted by doctors...they said that...I was lucky."
I saw Shady stare in shock, I know he hasn't heard of me having a brother, neither did Alex.
I bit my bottom lip and then said, "After I was taken in by Alex's father, I was a loner...I never spoke to anyone...I kept on thinking of that day...that day when the fire tore my family apart...taking the people I love out of my reach. I knew they were in a better place...but I wasn't."
I stared at the floor, not making eye contact with the Asian, "Then one day....I couldn't take hell's medicine anymore. I couldn't take the torture of living another sunset without my family. I took that knife near my neck...about to slit my throat...but Alex came in...since he was six, he really didn't understand of what I was about to do. So I couldn't do it....not even in front of Alex...I didn't want my own mistakes written in stone in Alex's mind. He was just too naive about these things. I didn't want him to follow my footsteps."
~*~Shady
I stared at Ratio, his head was looking down, telling by his voice, he was shaken. I didn't know that this would happen to Ratio...he didn't deserve this, not at all.
Then I saw something crystal like come near the side of Ratio's cheek. My eyes widened....he was crying.
This was the first time I saw him cry. He was so in the shadows and wasn't the type of guy to look like he was going to cry. He didn't need just sympathy, he needed someone that would love him, someone that would be there for him, someone that he could turn to.
Without any warning, I leapt onto the unsuspecting Russian,and embraced him tightly. Nobody deserved this pain, especially not one as angellic as the boy in my arms. Why must the devil always pick on the most innocent of people? I would never have wished such a fate upon Ratio...he deserves much better...
"Ratio...I'm so sorry, you should have never gone through this..." I whispered, clutching on to the much taller boy.
He hugged me back, which was more than a shock for me. "That's how life is...nothing is fair. Now please, Shady, please don't try to commit suicide again...I wouldn't be able to handle your death..."
I pulled away, but slightly, so I could look into his striking cerulean eyes. Those usually content and calm eyes were now rimmed with a bloody crimson. It looked...out of place...yet still beautiful to me.
Memories and all thoughts were pushed aside as the two of us were getting closer and closer. I was completely oblivious to everything else besides the fallen angel in front of me. The world blocked out, our heartbeats intertwined with one another, and we met in a soul-searing kiss.
It was utter bliss, I never felt anything like it. It was it's own feeling, it couldn't be explained in mere words, you have to experience it to understand.
The harshness of reality brought it's heavy weight down upon us, as we realized that we were running out of oxygen. The heavens just won't allow us to enjoy anything, do they? Or maybe it's just the Underworld wanting us to suffer again.
We pulled apart, but not very far apart, as our faces were still close together. I could feel his warm breath on me, it felt nice knowing that he's real and not just some cruel mind game.
I thanked every god that was thought to be in existance as the brunet hugged me even closer. For once in a very long time, I felt truly happy. I was no longer wearing that fake mask that everyone was familiar with. I was finally free and able to be myself. I felt a long-carried burden finally dissappear into nothingness.
I just pray to any higher being that this isn't a joke...please let this be real...
~*~
Billie: That's all for this chapter! ^_^
Ratio: *still holding Shady* Now that was a happy ending.
Shady: Wait a minute....you said chapter...don't tell me there's more.
Billie: Oh don't worry boys. It's nothing that bad.
Ratio: I don't believe one word out of your mouth.
Ja: What if I said that there was a lemon coming up?
Shady: On second thought, we believe you!! ^_^;;
Billie: That's better.
Ja: And we might add Ramsey/Alex to the next chapter...and speaking of Ramsey and Alex....where are they?
:moans are heard from another room:
Billie: -_-U Does that answer your question?
Ratio: Speaking of lemon *carries Shady to the nearest bedroom*
Billie: Guess you can't stop the horniness of men....or the world wouldn't have kids who even get hornier >_>
Ja: O_o;; I didn't get that at all.
Billie: Pretend I said nothing.
Ja: ^_^; Alright.