Fan Fiction ❯ Crazy Colonel Campbell Codec Calls ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters found in this story. Oh, and the shadow phobia came from the Jerky Boys, I just thought it was fitting in this little scenario.

[wHat ThE HELL iS THis] = distorted speech

Crazy Colonel Campbell Codec Calls


Some of the comments that the Colonel made were so offensive and disturbing that they either had to be edited or omitted entirely from the American release of MGS2. A certain fanfic writer was brave enough to dig through the garbage cans of Konami Computer Entertainment America and found some of these censored codec calls. Before she was arrested, she was able to smuggle them in her stomach like a certain mulleted badass. I was given this information in a email she sent from a mental institution. If you continue reading, it is possible your brain will become more twisted than it already is. You have been warned. Godspeed.

Codec Call 1
Colonel: Actually I'm in bad shape financially. I spend all my money on porn. That's why my wife left me. I just had no choice but to make you pay my car note last month. Oh, and my mortgage too. And my ISP bill. Wow, I'm really sorry.
Raiden: What the hell are you talking about!

Codec Call 2
Colonel: RaiDEN, if Columbia House Music Club contacts you, asking of my whereabouts, tell them I moved out of the country. No, tell them I died.

Codec Call 3
Colonel: Raiden, I HAVE a song just for yOu. WOulD you LIKE to HeAR it?
Raiden: What!?!
Colonel: Me is so horNY, me is so horNY, me is so horNY. ME love you long time.
*Raiden looks aghast and clicks off codec*

Codec Call 4
Colonel: Raiden, I HAve someTHING imporTANT to TELL you?
Raiden: What's going on, Colonel?
Colonel: That wig, YOU're not fooling anyONE SON. I've SEEN better wigs at Toys 'R Us in the clearANCE bin after HALLoWEEN.
Raiden (reaches up to touch his hair. He is enraged.): THIS IS MY REAL HAIR DAMNIT!!! Let's see YOUR HAIR!! You're always wearing that dumbass HAT!
*Raiden clicks off codec*

Codec Call 5
Colonel: RAIden... remember when I was tellING you aBOUT last THURsday?
Raiden (rolling his eyes): Yeah, when you got picked up by the UFOs.
Colonel: Exactly!! When I woke up, like I said I was at home. For the most part I was just a little disoriented, but then I noticed my butt felt so strange. I won't go into full details, but I think I was PROBED. What do you think?
Raiden: (wearing a blank expression): ...
Colonel: Fine, forget it--but I think I was was probed.
*Colonel clicks off codec*

Codec Call 6
Colonel: About that PRObing incident, I'm very concerned. You see, I found this huge chancre on my butt. You don't think the aliENs gave me a STD, like syphilis, do you? Be honest, Raiden. I think I should go to the docTOR. Maybe a proctologist, or perhaps a dermatologist.
Raiden (looking freaked out): Maybe a psychiatrist!
*Raiden quickly clicks off codec*

Codec Call 7
Colonel: Raiden, I have a phobia. I'm aFRAID of my own SHAdow. And if I could just get some help with this--Everywhere I turn it's there. I have this IDEA that my own shadow is always choking me. And he gags me!! And he's-
Raiden: What?
Colonel: He always... he creeps around me. ANd when I'm in the BaThRoOm with MySeLf, I'm always in the nice warm tub or something and I put nice cream on MySeLf he's always there looking to choke mE. It's an awful thing.
Raiden: That's sick!
Colonel: Maybe for tonight at least you could help me through this misERY. I feel silly. I feel very silly. I'm so sad about this... could you help me.
Raiden: Would you quit thinking about yourself for just five minutes! I'm out here running around naked and ninja guys are gunning and slicing at me and you're talking about some stupid phobia!
Colonel (not paying Raiden any attention): He's always gaGGing and Choking me. And it's my own shadow. That's what's so scaRY.
*Raiden clicks off codec*

Codec Call 8
Raiden (agitated): What is it now?!?
Colonel: AAAAAAARGHHHHH!!!! Oh you see! Oh God help us! God help us. Jesus. God and baby Jesus help us! See he always chokes me. AAARRGGH!
*Colonel clicks off codec*

Raiden: What the hell was that all about?
*He shakes his head then peeps from behind a metal barrier, seeing the coast is clear he creeps towards the metal stairs to his right.*
Raiden: I hope I can get out of here alive.
*Raiden's codec rings.*
Raiden: I am so not answering that.








A/N: Yeah, that was really dumb and a total waste of time. I hope you enjoyed it, I certainly had a lot of fun writing it. I guess I had to get this silliness out of my system. I originally posted part of this on Gamefaqs.com, on a topic called 'The Colonel Game'. There were a lot of funny scenarios others came up with. You should check it out. And that comment about Columbia House goes double for me!