Fan Fiction ❯ Crazy little thing called ❯ Crazy witchburners ( Chapter 1 )

"…" The elf said to the man as they left a New York furniture store.

"Yes, they're furniture is so blah," The man replied.
"Yes very blah," A stout little dwarf piped in.
"Blah blah blah!" Replied a nearby hobbit.
"…" Said the elf.
"I totally agree, Elf!! BLAH!" Noted the dwarf.
"Blah! Blah blah! BLAH!" Said the hobbit.
"What did you say? You don't like the color purple?" Asked the dwarf. "Well, I think its-"
At that moment, the most peculiar thing happened. A naked Wizard, except for his hat, rode by on a motorcycle screaming, "BURN ALL WITCHES!"
"Well, that was strange," noted the man.
"Yes, very blah!" said the dwarf.
"…" was heard as the elf chimed in.
"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" quoted the hobbit.

"Wha-"screamed the man.
Next moment, they were being circled by a band of angry customers. "You're a witch! You two are witches! THEYS ALL WITCHES!! BURN THEM AT THE STAKES!!" Was heard screaming from the mob.
"We'd better try and get out of here!" these wise words were spoken by the man.
"…"The elf pointed out.
"Blah!" The hobbit screamed as he pointed to an opening.
"Run! BLAH!" The dwarf yelled.

The band of unique characters ran as fast as they could towards a Chicago fudge factory.
Panting, the man spoke, "I think we should be safe in here. Illinois didn't ever have any witch burnings…I don't…Think?"
"…"chirped the elf.
"Good, blah." Said the dwarf.
"You shallst all be safe with me, if you follow." A peculiar voice came from the back room. The man drew his sword.

"Don't be alarmst. I meanst not to bring you any harm." As these words were emitted into the silence, a very tall, half elf, half human stepped forward. The man dropped the sword he was holding. It hit the ground with a loud Clang, which, he presumed, could be heard from many miles around.
"Blah! BLAH BLAH!!" The hobbit said happily.
"…!" The elf shouted.
"Welcome, hobbit, dwarf, and man, to my home." As she spoke these words, the room around them began to change. Isles of candy and fudge were immediately changed into beautifully tall trees. Instead of black and white checkered flooring, they were now all standing on soft moist grass. The roof above them disappeared entirely. "I amst Arwen Undomiel. You shallst have no need to fear me. You arest safe from the angry puritans."
"Thank you, Arwen, I am, the man." Said, the man.
Arwen giggled. "No, my dear man, you are Aragorn. That is your name."
"Oh," said Aragorn.
"…" Said the elf.
Arwen added, "Your friend here, the elf, is Legolas. I grant that from now on, you shallst say more than, `…'"
"You're amazing, blah!" Said the dwarf.
"Oh now, my poor mine dweller, don't include blah at the end of your sentences! From now on, you shall speak clearly." She then granted clear speech upon the dwarf known as Gimli.
"Blah! Blah, Blah!" The hobbit whined.
"Oh, come now, I haven't forgotten about you, Frodo of the shire! Speak in the language all can understand!"
"Thank you, Arwen, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?" Frodo screamed.
"Oh no, my spell must have backfired…" Arwen said, sadly.
"No, it didn't," Aragorn pointed out comfortingly, "The crazed cycling wizard is here!"
"Oh no! That'll mean the angry mob will be here shortly too!" The dwarf screamed.
"BURN ALL WITCHES!!" He screamed, as he rode right into a nearby tree.
"Oh my!" Arwen said, as she zapped an outfit of wizard's apparel on him. "Gandalf has been affected by Saruman also." She called the now dressed wizard over to her side. "Gandalf, your sanity and love of your friends will be restored to you."
Gandalf stood, tall and grand, and the others recognized his old, wise face at once. "I am sorry, my entrance wasn't as grand as it has been in past meetings."

"Oh Gandalf! I'm glad you're back!" Frodo yelled as he ran and threw his arms around the wizard.
"I am too, my boy! Now lets cram a whole book into 5 minutes."
"what?"
"Okay! Let me begin! Do you remember Bilbo? Of course you do! He only raised you! Okay, so, 60 years ago, he found a ring in Gollum's cave. He lives up in the misty mountains, real pain, doesn't speak much English, you see. So anyway, This ring he found, its gold," Hands Frodo the ring, "and its got all this gunk inscribed on it, from the land of Mordor. Don't want to speak it, might freak out the locals. Your job, is to destroy it. Oh! And you'll need these." Pulls out three hobbits from pockets in his cloak, "These are your friends, Sam, Pippin, and Merry. They'll help you on your quest, but these two," Points to Pippin and Merry, "These two get captured by orcs and taken to the land of mordor, where Sauron lives. He's mean, and I think he's gay, `cuz he has this cloak of many colors, but that's beside the point. Oh! And you'll need this guy," Pulls a man out of his hat. "He's Boromir. He's a real pain in the ass, and he tries to take the ring from you. But its okay, because he dies in the end. Damn, that reminds me, during your journey, through the mines of Moria, I die," Gandalf, at that moment, falls to the floor, dead.
"Gandalf, NOOOO!!!" screams Frodo.
"It's okay, Frodo, you shall see the wise wizard again. He shall return later on as Gandalf the white!" Said Arwen.
"Awww, but I liked Gandalf the Grey better…." Cried Frodo.
"Don't be so whiney! Beggars can't be choosers!" Arwen yelled.
"Yipe!"