Fan Fiction ❯ Diary of a Guilty Kid ❯ My diary ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: yamimylove
No one will ever understand what I feel
In the outside you will see a cherish kid willing to serve everybody

This is how begins the story of a kid that has been trough thick and thin...

yes, i have updated alot.. gee i was finally out of my 1 year author block...(wow, thats a lot of time..)
well hope you like it

Anime/Manga: Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Psychological / Drama | Type: Shounen-ai | Uploaded On: 05.11.2005 | Pages: 15 | Words: 8.7K | Visits: 251 | Status: Completed

A Guilty Kid Poem Book
 
 
No one will ever understand what I feel
In the outside you will see a cherish kid willing to serve everybody
That doesn't feel any hate or pain
That's what everybody thinks...
It's so sad...
I'm hiding myself from everybody
Why?
Because I want to please everybody
That's the only way to get friends...right?
I had been lonely so many times
Don't want to repeat that
Not again
Never more
That soaring pain
The loneliness
The darkness
No
I wouldn't make it this time
I don't know how I did survive…
But the feelings
Are still here
In my chest
I feel it
Even now, that I got friends
Or may I say “so called” friends
I don't know if they really like me
Or if just is pity
But I will keep being the cherish kid
Until somebody finds out The secret
Perhaps it will never happen
But better that way...
 
I think......
 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Does it's worth it?
The soaring pain for
Just having pity-friends
Yes
Pity
Cause I know the truth now
There are with me by pity
Cause they know
They know The Secret
I will be forever
Alone
No matter what I do
Loneliness will chase me
I'm its heir
I know the truth now
The horrible truth...
 
I'm nothing.....
 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Something has been taken
From deep inside me
The Secret I've keep locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
like moving pictures in my head
for years and years they played
If could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace everything I ever done I would
If I could
If I take all the shame to the grave
I will no longer face all this pain alone
 
I will leave
I will do the final act
Death.....
 
 
 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Will it matter now?
I will die
I'm going to
But I wonder
What if I kill me?
And nobody notice
What if
It passes
A day
Week
Year
And still nobody notice
I'm invisible to everybody
I'm stating to doubt
It's this right? ...
I could run away as I did last time
I can go anywhere I want
My mom is dead
My dad in prison
Years had pass
I kill my brother
The only person left that loved me
People say it wasn't my fault
But it is
I was the one who insisted in learning how to drive
I was the one who drove the car
I was the one who crash
I was the one who took my brothers life
I was the one who survive
I'm the one guilty
I'm the one who have to pay now...
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~I know why I'm suffering
It's my punishment
For killing him
And for being a sinner
I don't believe in god you know
I stop believing when I say my father kill my mother
I was 8 years old
My brother upstairs with his music loud
So he couldn't hear the fight
The fight they always have
But this fight
Was the last one...
There I was
Seeing everything
And it's in my mind so fresh
I still have nightmares about it
I won't kill myself
Not anymore
I have to accept this punishment
As I had accept that my mother was murder
8 years ago
as I had accept I kill my brother long ago
As I accept the secret
 
I will take this punishment....
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The secret
 
That secret that drove me to misery
Not only once
I had a diary once
A diary I told all my secrets
Not as important as The secret
But a day
The day that I was doom
Was the day I wrote the secret.
A couple of days passed by
My father looked at my diary
Were The secret was
Everything collapsed...
I entered home
Nobody was there
Or that's what I thought
I walk upstairs to my room
Not knowing there was a visitor inside
Dad lock the door
He yelled at me
“how long you thought you could hide it?”
I knew what he talked about
he knew
“so you like...”
I couldn't talk
he knew
“answer me! Do you like men?!”
all I did was look at the ground and cry
he slapped me
“you are going to know what is to like men!”
he yelled fiercely
he ripped all my cloths...
 
 
 
He raped me...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
That's when the fights become more often
I kill my mother
Just because that secret
That damn secret
It had curse me since I discover it
But it will chase me forever
Cause that's what I'm
I'm gay
So easy to say
But so difficult is to people to accept it
The only person that didn't care
I murder it
So nothing is left
But me
Now everyday they yell at me
Words
Like
“Queer”
or obscenities
 
I don't now how they found out
but I have to keep with the punishment
for killing persons
my mother and my brother
 
 
 
I will keep the punishment...
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
Its lunch time, as always I seat alone
In the corner
Hoping nobody will notice I'm there
I hear the other chat
and I understand a sentence
“a new guy entered school”
I really don't care
soon he will laughing too
about the “queer” sitting at the corner
I heard the girls all gasp as a boy entered the room
some exclaimed
“the new one!”
I look away
why should I care?
Almost all the girls say to the new
“Sit with us”
But he refuse
What a peculiar guy
All boys I meet, dream with seating with them
Not me of course
I see the new guy coming closer
Probably he is going to mock at me
as everybody does
you know so he fit with the rest
he stands in front on me and ask
“can I seat here?”
the room is totally in silence
I look at him questioning
as everybody does
from my mouth comes
“you could, but you shouldn't”
he ask me “why?”
a guy somewhere yell
“he is a queer!”
I spoke to the new one
“that's why “
and I look again to my poem notebook
but he seats
and he tell me
“I don't care”
and he smile
I look at him astonish
it feel... nice
he didn't care about The secret
 
Maybe this is the end of my punishment...
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
He started a conversation
Is this a dream?
Someone is talking to me without pity
mockery or insulting
just talking
he ask me what's my name
everything is so silent
why don't they keep talking among them?
but I answer
“Sasuke”
“cool name, mine is Harry”
is this a joke?
He is trying to make friendship
With the guy in the corner
Not with the cheerleaders
Not with the football players
But with me
I just smile
“why are ya' smiling?”
he snap me out of my thoughts
I blush and look down
“sorry I was just thinking”
“can you tell me what were you thinking?”
“I thought that you seat with me and not with someone else...
you notice me”
“just because a person is different you don't have to treat it like scum”
I smiled again
the bell ring I went to class
but this time was different 'cause he was there
He
the one who did care for me
 
 
 
My real Friend...
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He
Harry found you
He knows
everything
my mother murder
the dead of my brother
and of
Dad
What he did to me
Everything
I knew it
I knew it was too good to be true
Why destiny tend to make my life misery?
I drop you by accident
He pick it up
He read it
He left it at my door
With a note
“you drop it, Harry”
nothing else
it over
he probably hates me now
I'm scared of going school tomorrow
what if he humiliates me?
He had protect me from mockery
Now he will mock me now
I'm useless
I'm worthless
I'm nothing
 
Nothing at all
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Life is just so wicked
I went to school
With my head down
Knowing what was to come
But it didn't happen
Harry was there as if nothing had happened
I was so relief
He ask me if I could go to my house to help him study
It was actually weird since I'm not really a smart person
But I agree
It was nice not to be alone all day
We walked home together
We chat about matter less things
`till we reach my apartment's door
I open nervously
It was the first time anyone came to my apartment
he said it was really “cool” apartment
We started “studying”
Actually we were chatting
Then when he had a chance, he ask me
about you, the poem book
I didn't answer
just look down
I heard a silent voice in my ear
“don't worry, its okay”
he is so close
“you has suffer so much, poor creature”
he takes my hand and caresses it
“everything is gonna be alright”
I blush
as I feel his breathe so close to me
he came even closer
“you shouldn't suffer anymore”
he moves his hand and now caresses my hair
“I will take care of you”
his words so silent yet tentative
“you know why?”
I just shook my head
I'm too drunk from his heat
“because...”
I feel pressure in my lips
his lips touching mine
they are so soft
he cuts it out
 
“I love you”
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was so astonish with this events
“y-you love me?”
“yes I do, since the same instant I saw you”
he smiles again
That smile, that beautiful its-all-right smile
but this one was for me
he comes closer
and kiss me again
deeper this time
I share the kiss
it feels so awkward
I felt he was licking my lower lip
pleading for entrance
I part my lips a bit
feeling his smooth tongue
exploring my mouth
it feels so good
I moan
and blush
I was embarrassed
then a flash back of the accident comes to my mind
I had murder all the persons that had love me
I broke the kiss
he looks at me astonish
I just ran
ran away from the apartment
don't want to murder someone else
I can't permit that
even if I love him too
I have to stay away
I don't want to murder Harry
goodbye love
goodbye hope
goodbye happiness
 
 
Goodbye Harry...
 
 
 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm so miserable
I can't believe I did that to Harry
I'm a mere rat
I'm an animal
How could I run, left him hurt?
I shouldn't live
I should die for what I had done
Everything
I should at least apologize with him
And then I will pay the price
Of all the hurt I had made
He will probably yell at me
I will probably cry
But I deserve it all
Even if he beats me
I deserve it
I'm useless
I'm scum
Nothing else
 
 
Nothing else...
 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I went to school
I tried to avoid him
But he wasn't there
He was absent
This makes me guiltier
The day passed slowly but horrible
Since Harry wasn't there to protect me from mockery
People did so many horrible things
But I deserve it
I deserve the beating I got
The insults
Everything
Cause I'm all that they say
But don't worry people
I won't be to long
Perhaps I won't be here tomorrow
That would be the best thing
Finally the bell rang
I pick up my books
And walk to Harry's house
The address was written in the back of you
He did when he found you
Leaving a little note at the end I had not notice then
I'm at his door
I'm frighten
what if I enter and my voice would faint?
What if he cries in front of me?
But my worse fright
What if he does nothing?
Dumb, isn't it?
Nothing
Just stare at me
That would make me feel guiltier
Cause I would have murder him
Innerly
 
This afternoon will be the end
 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
I ring the bell
A woman opens the door
“I-is Harry home?”
“oh yes dear, he is a little down but perhaps you can cheer him up” she answer me sweetly
“T-thank you” I just said
“he is upstairs, the black door, its his room dear”
“O-ok thank you”
I arrive upstairs
and there it is
the black door
The final door in the hallway
I open the door slowly
Harry is in his bed
Looking otherwise
He is awake
“Mom I told ya that I don't want to talk”
I go near him
“Harry” I whisper
He looks at me
“S-Sasuke?”
his beautiful eyes full of tears
“I'm so stupid, Harry” I mumble
“why did you run away?”
his voice so hurt, so sad
I look down
“I was scared”
“Of what?” anger
“of hurting you-I said softly-murder you”
“You didn't kill your brother, Sasuke!!”
“yes, I did, but that's not why I'm here”
“for what, then?” he turns his face the other side
“to say goodbye” a tear rolls through my cheek “goodbye”
“What do you mean with good bye?”
“I'm paying the price...”
he looks at me in shock
 
“are you gonna... do what, you said long ago?
 
“Yes” I mumble softly and the words roll out of my mouth
“I'm sorry Harry… I'm really…, I love you too, and a love you a lot”- my eyes are numbed by tears- “Harry, forget I ever existed… continue on, you will find someone that can give you what I can't... leave me at the past… and move on. It was nice being with you... I love you so much, but I can't... stay”
and I continue saying some senseless things.
 
“Can't stay? Why?” Harry asked angrily
“Because I shouldn't have born” I whisper
He stands up and walks to me
And cup my face in his hands
“I'm no letting you do that”
Even then I looked away
I don't want to see him to the eye
It would hurt too much
 
“Sasuke! I you really care for me... If you really love me, look me to the eyes and say it” he said to me “if you really do…”
 
“I love you Harry! I love you with all my heart and soul! but I can't stay. I will hurt you and no matter how hard I try I will murder all the persons that had loved me!!” I yelled at him and I felled to my knees “do you understand that Harry? That's why I shouldn't have born… that's why I have to die… that's why…”tears fall to the carpet staining it.
Then he kneeled to be at the same level I was and this time he wiped my tears away.
“Then I'll take the risk” he said softly
“What?” I answer astonish
“just, what I said, I'll take the risk, Sasuke” he said tenderly” cause I love you, and you do too, so what is the problem? Even if I get kill, I won't mind because I will have been with you, so everything is perfect, don't you see Sasuke? That if you leave, you will really murder me”
 
“What do you mean?” I just said
 
“I mean, that the moment you die I will die too. `Cause you're a part of me. You're my soul mate” hugging me he said” now come on here”, then he carried me to his bed and soothed me, wiping my tears away.
 
After a while I stopped sobbing then he said” Sasuke, this time you promise not to run away?” “I will never leave you side Harry. Never more” and he kissed me slowly, tenderly, and softly, I felt as if I was melting in his arms.
Then the kiss ended because we had to catch our breath and then he just hug me and keep me in his arms, then we laid down in the bed and I started drifting away, I was so emotionally tired I just felt asleep in his arms.
 
Later I woke up feeling his embrace; I was now sure this wasn't a dream. It seems that Harry had been awake for a long time since he was caressing me. Then I open my eyes and he whisper
”good afternoon, Sasuke” and he laughed. I felt, something I had never felt before… I felt so warm inside. Could it be the thing that all persons are always seeking, the thing I always wished?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Could it be…Love?