Fan Fiction ❯ Don't wear leather pants ❯ One-Shot

Don't wear leather pants…

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, no… Actually it was a sunny day in the middle of spring when the bar began to fill with its regular lunchtime customers. The bartender was busy making drinks and serving pastry to the many patrons that took full advantage of the delectable treats offered by the "Sham Sham Diddy Sham" bar on 4th and main. There were 10 tables spread evenly around the room, leaving the center area open for a dance floor. To the far left wall of the room, there was a stage that usually had high class, respectable bands playing live music for the customers. The bar was to the right of the stage, where, on this fine day, BAD RAP was performing their new single "I wanna fuck your donkey with my coat on." They were rocking the house like nobody's business. All in all it was a very normal day at the Sham Sham Diddy Sham. All of the three employees that the bartender retained were hard at work… all except one. 18-year-old Biff Whamsock. The stoner, slacker, perverted, dumb-shit motherfucker that only got a job because he's the illegitimate son of the bartender and a transvestite gypsy slut. He was standing at the bar watching a very ugly man have violent sex with a very attractive woman on a barstool. Dill Hammerlick was hard at work in the back room, which was directly behind the bar. Dill, a 22 year old drop out from the "I'm so high and mighty I'm gonna whoop your ass with divine justice" school of Christianity, was in charge of making the pastry that was served in the bar, as well as performing the wedding ceremonies on special occasions. The last employee to grace the Sham Sham Diddy Sham was a mysterious man indeed. His name was Boon Evans, and he never came to work without his clown makeup. The bartender, whose name was Fustafa McBeansoy, was very sure that Boon was at least 30 years old. In reality, however, nobody had a fucking clue.

Suddenly, out of nowhere… (Well… actually, in through the door, but hey, who's counting!) came a man wearing tight leather pants and a bright green wool sweater. His feet were bare, and his hands looked as though they had seen a lot of masturbation in the last couple of hours. Despite his dramatic entrance through the only door in the place, nobody paid any attention to the man as he made his way across the semi-crowded dance floor to the bar. BAD RAP had just finished their song, and Mighty Whitey was fondling a sexy bitch's tits on stage while the crowd cheered him on. The leather and wool clad man sat down on the barstool a few seats away from the sexually active couple.

"Can I get a drink?" He asked Biff, who pretended not to notice.

The titties continued to flop up and down on the attractive girl's chest, making Biff forget what his name was.

"I said," The man at the bar said angrily, "Can I get a drink?!"

Biff laboriously took his eyes away from the mad titty action to behold the rude man.

"I'm trying to work here, you know." He said, shaking his head slowly, "But I guess I could spare a couple of seconds to satisfy your unquenchable thirst for alcohol. What will you have?"

"I want what that ugly guy ordered." He pointed to the ugly man, who was in the middle of blowing his load on the attractive girl's tits. As soon as the ugly man was done, another man got up from a table in front of the stage and began taking his clothes off. When he got to the barstool where the ugly man was licking his own shmegma off the attractive girls breasts, he patted him on the back and made a backwards movement over his shoulder with his thumb, indicating that it was his turn. The attractive girl willingly let the new man, who was not much better looking than the last, penetrate her with his exceptionally small penis.

"What gives?" Asked the man in leather pants.

"Oh, that?" Biff nodded his head towards the new sexfest as he poured the man a strong beer, taking time to put his finger in his bum and stir the drink with it, "She's trying to win a bet." He put the beer down on the table.

"What kind of a bet?" The man asked, taking a long swill of his poo-tainted beer.

"This morning at about 9:00 am, she came in here and started getting pissed drunk." Biff began, pouring himself a cup of poo-free beer. "After a while, she started spouting off about how many times she has had sex, and that she couldn't have an orgasm if she tried." He took a drink of beer, silently laughing at the man for drinking his stale poo.

"What kind of a bet is that?" The man in leather pants seemed confused.

"I bet her all the alcohol she could drink before she passed out that she would have an orgasm with the first guy she slept with." Biff took another long drink, "She said

`no way'."

"Oh my god!" The man was spellbound by Biff's story of adventure and intrigue, "What did you say to her next?"

"I said to her: `Bitch! If you can fuck 23 guys before you leave this bar, and not have a single orgasm, you can win the bet." Biff told the man.

"What number is that?" He pointed to the small dicked motherfucker who was making little whiney noises as the attractive girl waxed his lack of penis with her cunt muscles.

"23." Biff said, finishing his beer with a long swill.

"Looks like she's going to beat you." The man chuckled, "That guy has a small dick."

"Yea," Biff started to say with a grin, "But I've been sitting here getting paid to watch a sexy chick fuck every guy that comes into the bar in one morning. That'll be $3.75 for the poo… um.. I mean beer."

Suddenly, as the ugly, short dicked motherfucker was about to let it rip in the attractive girl's ass, she arched back her head and erupted with the spasms of orgasm, blowing the man to pieces with her spray.

"Holy shit." Biff said as he poured himself another beer, "Alright," He said to the drunk slut who had just killed a man with her money shot, "I hate to be rude to a pretty lady, but I TOLD YOU SO YOU FUCKING NYMPHO SLUT!!" Biff then slapped the girl in the face and told her to clean up her mess before he put a cramp in that bitch ass.

"What was all that noise?" Dill Hammerlick poked his head out from behind the door to the back room. His bleach blond hair and vibrant blue eyes made him a hit with the ladies.

Before Biff could tell his co-worker about the hella orgasm the attractive girl had on top of the small dicked motherfucker, the man in the leather pants and the bright green wool sweater began banging his head on the bar, mumbling something about being fatally allergic to other people's shit.

"Go back to work, pussy!" Biff fingered Dill, "If it wasn't for slackers like you there'd be enough money left over from this shit hole to hire more slackers like me!"

Boon Evans, who had been watching this entire ordeal from the shadows, finally emerged in a bright flourish of colors and cheesy 80's music. He kicked the attractive nympho slut in the box, picked her up, and in one smooth motion threw her across the bar and out the door.

"STRIKE ONE!!" Biff yelled, pulling an umpire's mask out from underneath the bar.

Boon went on to grab the man with the leather pants, tear his bright green wool sweater off of his body, and reveal a tattoo that said, "I am fatally allergic to other people's shit" across his chest and stomach. Boon ignored the man's seizures and gurgling sounds as he quickly wrapped up what was left of the small dicked motherfucker into the sweater, before heaving the whole bundle through the door.

"STRIKE TWO!!" Yelled BAD RAP from the stage, all three of the members pulling umpire masks out of various stage equipment. Biff, unable to control the urge, did a nifty little dance move.

Rallied on by the cheering of his co-workers and the support of his favourite band, Boon then grabbed the man who wore leather pants into the wrong bar, and without heeding his assurance that he would be just fine if Boon put him down, threw him across the bar. Yes, you guessed it… right through the door.

"STRIKE THREE!!!! YER OUTTA THERE!!!" Dill yelled from the doorway to the back room with a little too much pizzaz for his own good.

Everything went silent. The colors vanished. The cheesy 80's music stopped. Dr. Tibbs kept explaining his new stem system to Mighty Whitey. Hairy One Pack grabbed his on his nuts for dramatic effect. The little kids playing in the sprinkler outside stopped laughing. The man in the leather pants twitched a few times, before surrendering himself to the white light at the end of the tunnel. Regis Philbin got his dick stuck in an automatic can opener. God let one rip that blew half the population of China into the Pacific Ocean.

"Get to work, little bitch!" Biff threatened to backhand Dill with a ladle, breaking the silence. Everyone in the bar laughed at him. Dill scurried off to the back room, knowing full well that Biff Whamsock would be punished for his sins in the afterlife.