Fan Fiction ❯ Five-Minute Devil May Cry ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Narrator: Long ago, men and demons had a war. A demon named Sparda turned traitor, whipped the arse of the demon lord Mundus, and then settled down in the human world. He got married, had a couple of kids, and... GACK!
Sparda: Sorry. Should've watched my kung-fu.

Dante: Quiet night. Nothing to do but hack into this computer file. Nope, nothing to do but...
Trish: Hello.
Dante: Dang it! Do you have any idea how much repairs cost in this town?

Trish: I see you've got a nice sword here.
Dante: Yep.
Trish: Let's see if it can cut through bone...
Sword: IMPALE!
Dante: Ow!
Trish: Now add some lightning...
Dante: Ow! Ow! Ow! Just don't throw your motorcycle at me!
Trish: Hang on while I do that.
Dante: Fooled ya! I just needed to get my guns!
Trish: Drat.
Motorcycle: Boom.

Dante: Okay. Who are you and why did you skewer me?
Trish: Trust me, I'm not your enemy.
Dante: You could've said that before you impaled me.
Trish: Let me just get my shades off...
Dante: AGH! My life was tough enough without the Oedipus complex, you know!

Trish: Ever hear of Mundus?
Dante: He's the guy my dad wasted, right?
Trish: He's coming back on a place called Mallet Island. Ever hear of it?
Dante: Nope.
Trish: It's this tiny dot on the map.
Dante: Oh, I see. Wait, how do you know this?
Trish: Ummmm... tarot card reading?
Dante: Makes sense.
Trish: (to herself) Whew, I don't think he knows I'm gonna betray him...
Dante: What was that?
Trish: Nothing!

Dante: So, this is Mallet Island, huh, Trish? (Looks around) Trish? Great, I'm alone. Even those Resident Evil jerks get sidekicks, why don't I?

MISSION 1

Dante: This is the castle, huh? (The door is sealed off) Drat. Hey, wicked statue!
Mundus: Thanks.
Dante: Did you just say something, statue?
Mundus: Uhhh... no.
Dante: Didn't think so.

Dante: This door's locked. If I head upstairs... (Heads upstairs) Hey, the key! And there's nothing in the area that could stop me from taking it.
Marionettes: Boo!
Dante: Oh, crap. Hey, wait, you're physical entities...
Marionettes: What's that got to- GACK!

Dante: Nice plane. I'm certain it'll have nothing to do with the ending. Hey, this door's locked, too.
Door: Kill the puppets in the basement and I'll open.
Dante: Just a sec...
Marionettes in Basement: GACK!
Dante: There we go. Wait, what's that on the ceiling?
Marionettes on Ceiling: Drat, we almost had h- GACK!

MISSION 2

Dante: ANOTHER cool statue! Whoever lived here before had neat taste. Wait, the sword's talking to me...
Alastor: Let me see if you're strong enough to use me... IMPALE!
Dante: Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, it didn't kill me last time... Whoa. I can't be impaled.
Alastor: This usually works, you know. Great, I'm stuck.
Dante: Let me just get off you...
Alastor: Oh, GOD! That's just disgusting! You're supposed to pull me out of your chest, not rise up me!
Dante: I have to earn the M rating somehow.

Dante: Judge of Death, eh? I better go get your scepter...
Marionettes in the Way: GACK!
Dante: There we go. Whoa, a shotgun! *Grabs it* If I know this place...
Sin Scissors: Boo-GACK!
Dante: Yep. Thought so.

MISSION 3

Dante: Pride of Lion, eh? So, what do I have to do to get you?
Pride of Lion: Go outside, fall in the ocean, kill a bunch of skulls, come back. That simple.
Dante: I'll take that at face value.
Pride of Lion: Sucker.
Dante: Huh?
Pride of Lion: Nothing!

Dante: So here I am, in the ocean...
Sargassos: GACK!
Dante: There we go. Okay, I'm back. *Grabs Pride of Lion* Maybe it was that sim...
Phantom: Boo!
Dante: Should've guessed. Wait, you don't have any armor on top...
Phantom: It wasn't in the budget... oh, crap. GACK!

MISSION 4

Dante: Now to get back to the lion statue...
Phantom: Boo!
Dante: I thought I killed you!
Phantom: I can't die until Mission 8.
Dante: I don't want to fight in this hallway... What happens if I step into another room?
Phantom: I disappear.
Dante: You mean I can avoid you just by leaving the hallway? Lame.
Phantom: Oh, sure, make fun of me just because YOU can fit through doorways!

Dante: Hey, lion statue, here's the Pride of Lion.
Shadow: Thanks for letting me out, sucker.
Dante: Oh, great... my sword doesn't work! Wait, I've got a gun...
Shadow: "Gun"? GACK!

Dante: Let's see... First, get the Death Sentence...
Marionettes in Stairwell: GACK!
Dante: Then jam it into the statue, and boom! Next key item's mine!
Mirror Dante: .si it tahT
Dante: Please tell me I don't have to fight a mirror version of myself... that's just lame.
Mirror Dante: ...ssalg eht hguorht pets ot evah tsuj I
Dante: Well, if it isn't the next recurring boss.
Nelo Angelo: Let's take it outside.

Dante: Well, we're outside. Take this!
Nelo Angelo: GACK! Just kidding, try my kung-fu!
Dante: Ow! Ow! Ow! (Amulet slips into view)
Nelo Angelo: That amulet... so pretty... reflecting light... into my eyes... OW! (Runs away)

MISSIONS 5-7

Second Narrator: And so our hero wandered through the castle, bringing the Melancholy Soul to its resting place...
Shadow: GACK!
Second Narrator: Heading into the sewers to retrieve a key...
Death Scissors: GACK!
Second Narrator: And bringing it back, so that he could get to the roof.
Other Marionettes in Stairwell: GACK!

MISSION 8

Dante: This is the roof? Very well. Time to lower the drawbridge...
Phantom: Hello, again.
Dante: Crap. Wait, that's rather fragile glass you're standing on... And I have a gun...
Phantom: Drat. (Falls)
Horseman Statue: IMPALE!
Phantom: Ow! Wait, you're...
Dante: Let's just say I have a famous father.
Phantom: Great. Just... GACK!

Trish: Eew, there's magma on my shoes! Wait, that used to be the Phantom... He's stronger than I thought.
Dante: Trish? That you?
Trish: Nope! (Runs)

Dante: Cool, a grenade launcher! Wait... there must be a wave of enemies waiting for me to grab it...
Blades: Actually, we're in Mission 9.
Dante: Fine, then, I'll just take this... and then I open the door... and try out my new gun...
Marionettes in Hallway: GACK!

MISSION 9

Dante: So, this is the grounds. Nice setup. I guess I go in that large building over there...
Blades: 'Bout time you showed up!
Dante: And now I give my grenade launcher its REAL test...
Blades: Wait, you already have it? Oh, drat. GACK!

Dante: A pair of gloves?
Ifrit: Oh, it's the new owner. Congratulations! You are the proud owner of a pair of gauntlets! Some burning required.
Dante: Burning? Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, that wasn't half-bad. Now to try 'em out...
Marionettes on the Ground: Why us? GACK!

Dante: Doo-de-doo-de-doo... Heading over to open door...
Griffon: Hold it right there, son of Sparda!
Dante: Oh, the next recurring boss. A giant bird?
Griffon: Don't laugh, it's the best I could afford.
Dante: Well, then. You can fly, right?
Griffon: Yeah.
Dante: That means the best weapon would be... the Alastor, right?
Griffon: Yeah, it would- wait, what was the question? GACK!

MISSIONS 10-14

Second Narrator: And now our hero walked boldly through the misty canyons...
Fetishes: GACK!
Second Narrator: Retrieved the Sign of Chastity...
Death Scythe: GACK!
Second Narrator: Used it to obtain the Chalice and open the door to the ship...
Nelo Angelo: Ow!
Second Narrator: Fought his way into the ship's cabin...
Griffon: Ow!
Second Narrator: And escaped the ship as it sank to the bottom of the sea, bringing with him the Staff of Hermes.
Marionettes: Hey, we got off lightly this time!
Second Narrator: Oh, and he wasted more marionettes than ever before.
Marionettes: We definitely need a union. GACK!

MISSION 15

Dante: No signs of any recurring bosses in the vicinity... I'll just take the Lances...
Sin Scythes: GACK!
Dante: Use them to open the door, and...
Griffon: Time for our final battle!
Dante: Crap. Hey, look up there!
Griffon: What?
Pillar: IMPALE!
Griffon: Ow! Boss, give me power! I can't die now, or I'll be the easiest boss in the game!
Mundus: Sorry, but your contract ran out yesterday. Die!
Griffon: Drat. GACK!

Trish: Hey, there.
Dante: Why is it you only pop up when I kill a boss?
Trish: Ummm... good timing?
Dante: I'll accept that.

MISSION 16

Dante: So I've done all this just to get back to the castle? What a load of...
Plasma: Hey, watch your language!
Dante: Whoa!
Plasma: Dang, blew my cover... GACK!

Dante: Hey, this pool of utter evil wasn't here the last time I was in the altar room
Nightmare: Good evening.
Dante: You're going to be insanely hard, aren't you?
Nightmare: It's just my thing.
Dante: Can we skip this one? The Fiver's getting a bit long.
Nightmare: No. (Engulfs him) GACK!
Dante: Rule number one. Never eat the man with a grenade launcher.

MISSION 17

Dante: So I need quicksilver, eh? Good thing it's right over...
Pluto Dragon: RAR!
Dante: Hey, you're already dead!
Pluto Dragon: I am? GACK!
Dante: Skeletons. Gotta love 'em.

Nelo Angelo: This is our last fight! Let me get my helmet off...
Dante: You were better-looking with it, you know. And your hair...
Nelo Angelo: Wait. I have helmet hair? NOOOOO! GACK!
Dante: Fooled you! Hey, that's the same pendant I have...

Young Vergil: Mom! Dante's chasing me with his really big sword again!
Young Dante: No, I'm not!
Dante's Mom: Happy birthday, you two... Dante, put that sword down!
Dante: AGH! Oedipus... complex... overwhelming...

MISSION 18

Dante: How odd that I mysteriously happen to have this Philosopher's Egg... Guess that was cut out. I'll have to toss it into this weird blue fire...
Nightmare: Hello, again.
Dante: Can you come back in about five minutes? I'm cooking an egg.
Nightmare: No problem.
Dante: All shell and overly-powered weapons, no brain.

MISSION 19

Dante: Congratulations. You are the last Marionettes I will kill in the game.
Marionettes in Altered Hallway: We're... we're so proud... GACK!

Dante: Let's see... walk through mirror, kill Nobodies...
Nobodies: GACK!
Dante: Walk back through mirror, use Elixer to get through portal, use Philosopher's Stone to enter Hell... Just a normal day.

MISSION 20

Dante: This is Hell? What a letdown... There's not even Satan.
Satan: I'm on vacation, what's wrong with that?

Nightmare: Prepare for the toughest boss fight in the game!
Dante: Eh, it won't be too- OW!
Trish: Fooled you! This is for my motorcycle!
Dante: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Nightmare: GACK!
Trish: Whoops. Missed.

(A stalagmite falls over; Dante saves Trish from it.)
Trish: Why did you save me after I double-crossed you?
Dante: ...becuulklkmmthr.
Trish: Huh?
Dante: ...Becasyuluklikmimther.
Trish: What was that?
Dante: BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOTHER! Damn it, I hate having an Oedipus complex!

MISSION 21

Dante: Start a giant heart beating again, eh? Good thing I have a laptop. Albino Black Sheep, Flash files, Kikia...
Heart: EEEEAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Dante: Yep. Works every time.

MISSION 22

Mundus: 'Bout time you made it.
Dante: What was with the Oedipus complex? Wasn't I tortured enough?
Mundus: Not by my standards. Speaking of which...
Dante: Ow! That's the third time I've been impaled this game!
Mundus: I thought that would work... Ah, well, one eye-ray coming up.
Trish: No way! GACK!
Mundus: Blast.

Mundus: Now you shall die!
Dante: I don't think so! Time to break out the one ability I haven't used!
Mundus: Pitiful. Just pitiful.
Dante: That should've done more damage. Maybe if I aim lower...
Mundus: You monster! GACK!
Dante: Yep. That would kill any male.

Dante: Well, Trish, you're dead now. I guess I should thank Mundus for finally curing my Oedipus complex... Either way, I'll leave my best weapon behind with you. See you when they finally invent a way to kill me.

MISSION 23

Dante: Hey, the escape from Hell was kinda easy! Now to just... WHOA!
Mundus: I ain't dead yet, boy! Now I'm immune to all your weapons!
Trish: Dante, take this!
Dante: Thanks for the boost, babe, but aren't you supposed to be dead?
Trish: Please. I've been betraying you the entire game without your notice, don't you think I could fake my own death?
Dante: That's an excellent point. Excuse me.
Mundus: GACK!
Dante: Now let's get out of here.

Trish: What's wrong with my eyes?
Dante: Those are called tears. They prove you're human.
Trish: And what's wrong with my chest?
Dante: Those are called breasts. They sell games.

Dante: This plane didn't work in the beginning, but if I know my lack of logic...
Biplane: Sputter... sputter... WHIRRRR...
Dante: Yep. This'll do.

EPILOGUE

Trish: I just realized, I do your job better than you can.
Dante: Enjoy it now, babe, you aren't in the sequel.
Trish: Huh?
Dante: Nothing!

(The credits roll at Ludricrous Speed)

MISSION 1 - HARD MODE

Second Narrator: But the game was not over, for Dante had to start over in Hard Mode. And then in Dante Must Die Mode. And then... GACK!
Marionettes: Revenge is ours!