Fan Fiction ❯ Fool for Love ❯ Fool for Love ( Chapter 1 )

Thanks: Great amounts of gratitude go to Zoe who beta-ed this fic.

Disclaimer: Despite my frequent and desperate denials, the fact remains that it is still J.K. Rowling who owns Harry Potter and all associated characters and settings.

AN: Can be considered a stand alone or a prequel to The Three Days Of The Hiccups (though no hiccups in this one). This is the beginning of the famous love story starring Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.

AN2: this is the beta-ed and thus rewritten version of the fic. It's also 1500 words longer than the original.

 

Fool for Love

By Viridian Magpie

"Just why am I doing this again?" Remus queried, asking not for the heck of it, but because he really did wonder. And when Remus Lupin started to wonder about something, there was usually something rotten in the state of Denmark.

He paused. No, it wasn't in Denmark. The rotting usually took place in Padfoot's head.

"Because we need a creative outlet."

"You mean, you need a creative outlet. Whose stupid idea was this, anyway?"

It was a rhetorical question. Indeed, until the day that Sirius Black died, questions pertaining to the instigator of one harebrained project or other would probably remain so. The twit came up with the most inane ideas, and that, coupled with his penchant for creating trouble, made Remus doubt that something as irrelevant as death could ever truly stop him. Either he'd become a poltergeist, or whoever ruled in the afterlife would try to exile him - or run away screaming bloody murder.

The latter seemed more likely.

"C'mon, we need an idea. Think!"

He was good at not hearing things, Remus had to admit. Just yesterday afternoon, Sirius' ability to turn deaf at will had resulted in a Beaming (with a capital B!) Muggle Studies teacher praising him and Sirius for their innovativeness. That is, Sirius' ability to turn deaf and blind at will. Padfoot had ignored both the harsh glares sent his way and the frantically whispered appeals to, please, not suggest that to their professor, dear Padfoot, to not volunteer them, Sirius, to stop it this instant, idiot!

Of course, it had been a futile effort. Years of experience had told him that, but he had to at least try.

Well, no use crying over spilt milk, now. He was already in this mess and there was no way out. That didn't mean he would make it easy for the other Gryffindor, though.

"First we need to determine the genre," said Remus.

And now he'd done it. Remus groaned inwardly. He was such a dolt.

He'd practically agreed to do part of the work, which meant all of it when your working partner went by the name of Sirius Black.

Sirius smiled widely. "That's my boy!"

Remus glared, though the venom behind it was mostly directed at himself.

Sirius, that utter prat, smiled even wider.

Really, Remus thought, writing a play as an extra-credit assignment for Muggle Studies was something only Sirius could come up with

"Tragedy," Remus suggested. Because this would be how this idea would end - very tragically.

"Why not a comedy?"

He glowered. Oh yes, because this was so much fun, wasn't it? That's all it always was for Sirius.

All fun and games until someone got chopped up for Potions ingredients, he added then snorted at the direction his thoughts were going.

Sirius seemed unperturbed.

''Alright, fine then. A comedy. Any ideas?"

Finally, he'd managed to turn the tables.The werewolf sighed with relief.Now it was Sirius who'd have to rack his brain for suitable ideas. If Remus could (somehow) manage to manipulate Sirius like that forat least half of the time, the workload might actually be equally distributed. Of course, Remus could simply argue with Sirius about who did what, but was that really worth risking the angry twitch his eye would develop? It took ages for the tic to go away and the twitching got on his nerves. Being sneaky was less strenuous.

On the other hand, judging by the grin on the Animagus' face and those enthusiastic eyes... Maybe leaving the actual thinking to Sirius hadn't been the best move.

Too late now.

"Are you done in there already, I need to pee!"

Maybe, Sirius thought, using the bathroom as headquarters for mission 'Perfect Chance' hadn't been the most brilliant idea ever. Or maybe it was just that Peter had a talent for interrupting at the most inopportune moments. He sighed.

"Stuff it, Wormy. We need it to be quiet to concentrate!"

"Then go to the flaming library! I really need to pee!"

Sirius fumed.

"Why don't you just go to anoth-" A hand on Sirius' shoulder interrupted him. It was squeezing pretty hard.

"That's a good idea, Peter. We'll leave immediately." Remus, unbeknownst to Sirius, had come to the happy realization that being sneaky sometimes just took too damn long.

The Animagus fought the urge to bang his head on the wall. No, no, no, no. This would not do! There were other people in the library, he needed to be alone with Remus to do this.

Objecting wasn't an option, however, since five nails were piercing his skin.

That was really a great way of going about this.

They stood up and opened the door, and Peter pushed past them in a hurry. Sirius glared at him, hoping he'd wet his pants - not that Sirius couldn't arrange that himself...

"Are you coming?"

Dammit!

Sirius had almost forgotten about his mission. He was out of the bathroom in a matter of seconds and caught just a glimpse of Remus' black robes before the werewolf was out of the dorm and gone from his sight.

James, sprawled on his bed like a sunbathing Kneazle, threw Sirius a questioning glance. He shook his head..

A nod. An encouraging smile.

Like that would help him. It must have shown on his face because James took this moment to open his mouth to give him some more of his well-meant advice. The Head Boy had been doing that for three weeks now and -

"Just take it easy."

- and every single thing he'd said amounted to advice with all the collective wisdom of a wet bowtruckle. Empty talk mostly, with a dash of wise words from some guy called Confucius or something. But what could one expect from someone who'd needed three years to work up the nerve to ask his crush on a date?

Sirius heaved an exasperated sigh.

"I will."

James beamed and Sirius left for fear of intentionally doing some Sirius harm to his sometimes immensely thick best friend.

Like hanging him upside down from the Whomping Willow.

Or shoving a Doxy down his boxers.

Or Confounding him and then taking pictures of him romping with a life-sized stuffed doe.

Then threatening him to show these photos to Evans.

He cackled, eliciting strange stares from passing classmates.

Absently, he wondered why. They should be used to his funny quirks by now.

Upon arriving in the library Sirius discovered that Remus had already secured a table. The werewolf waved him over.

This was just great, Sirius grumbled inwardly. Right across from them sat a group of Slytherin Fourth Years. And even worse, a flock of giggly Hufflepuff girls right behind them.

It could only go downhill from here.

"If we're going to do this, we're going to do this properly."

No messing around, Remus silently warned his friend in the privacy of his mind.

The warning was totally moot, however, since Sirius couldn't hear him.

"Naturally."

Remus looked at him suspiciously. That had been way too easy. He shouldn't be such a prat, a voice in his head suddenly scolded him. Maybe Sirius really liked plays and actually wanted to do this right.

Still, there was something off.

"Only one thing, though."

Aha! He'd known it.

"Could we maybe go somewhere else? Abandoned classroom or some such place?" His eyes were pleading. Puppy dog eyes. Blue puppy dog eyes. Sweet blue puppy dog eyes that no one in their right mind could resist.

Remus certainly couldn't. He looked absolutely adorable like that. Remus turned beet red, mortified at this thought.

Just what was he thinking!

But he knew what he was thinking. He'd been thinking it for five months now. 'Bad Remus,' he scolded himself. Sirius was his best mate and they had a great friendship and he would not ruin it by mooning over him!

Bleh. Mooning. Remus resisted the urge to hit himself.

After a moment he noticed that Sirius was still waiting for his answer.

"The old Charms classroom," he asked, coughing lightly to hide his embarrassment.

Sirius nodded.

"Sounds good."

And off they went. Three stairs up and two stairs done down, over a landing and up another two and down one more.

This was like physical education, Remus groused. If they kept this up, he'd be fit enough to run a marathon by the time they'd written that Merlin-damned play...'

At last they had reached their destination. Sirius closed the door behind them and warded the room against eavesdropping. Remus rolled his eyes. A bit much, that. Did he only expect to - oh, say Professor Flitwick - to listen in, steal his ideas and then make millions with it? Who did Sirius think he was? Shakespeare reincarnated?

The werewolf shook his head to disperse the sudden image of Sirius clad in garments fashionable in the Bard's era. If it ever happened that Sirius was his boggart - yeah, right - he'd certainly know just what to picture in his mind. A slight smile tugged at his lips.

"Right," he began as Sirius didn't seem to want to make the first step all of a sudden. Probably too lazy.

"Now first, as you stated, we need an idea. A stroke of inspiration." Remus left the thought hanging and scratched his head, pretending to think hard about this. Inwardly he was smirking. Let Sirius do the work, he reasoned, the twit had started this.

"Uh-huh. I, er, already have an idea."

Remus' eyes widened slightly. This was highly unexpected. Maybe Shakespeare-Sirius wasn't such a far-fetched idea as he first thought it was. Time would tell.

Patiently - well, as patiently as he could right then - he waited for Sirius to elaborate but nothing further was forwarded.

The werewolf became even more exasperated. First, Sirius said he had an idea and then he shut up completely. Why?

He eyed the other speculatively. Sirius was shifting his weight from one foot to another. A sudden flash of revelation struck Remus. Padfoot was nervous! But what about?

Well, it didn't look like he'd get an answer to this question any time soon, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

"There are a lot of things one has to consider when writing a comedy," he continued. "Certain conventions, for example: thwarted love, mistaken identity, disguise, romantic misunderstandings."

Sirius nodded sagely, obviously relieved since he wasn't put on the spot anymore.

"And they always end with one or more marriages," he grinned. "I know that, Moony."

Just as Remus thought Sirius was finally at ease (and maybe willing to divulge whatever made him so nervous) the animagus' grin faded and he asked:

"Do you want to hear my idea?"

Remus gazed at Sirius calculatingly. He was shifting his weight again. Suddenly it dawned on the werewolf that his friend might really care for theatre and was probably very queasy about showing whatever he had come up with to another person. Well, he would be, too, come to think of it.

Had he not been in a similar situation a couple of years ago? Admittedly, it had been different. For one thing, nervousness about a piece of literary work could hardly be compared to that. For another, he never actually had to tell his friends, and might never have had they not found out his most embarrassing secret on their own - his addiction to Cockroach Clusters.

"Yeah, go on."

"Um, the title is 'F-fool for Love'." Sirius licked his lips and stared at Remus as though he was a rabid wolf. "We can change that, though, if you don't like it," he amended quickly.

Remus smiled encouragingly.

"It's a nice title."

Sirius seemed to relax a little, but only a little. His courage faded quickly again. He put a hand into his robe pocket and fumbled for a bit. Eventually, he pulled out a creased piece of parchment.

"Yes, er, I wrote it down. Here take a look."

Remus took the proffered script. It read:

 

Fool for Love

- a romantic comedy

Dramatis personae:

Actaeon Green - the protagonist

Jerry Grimise - a doctor

Jeffrey Figulus - a (male) nurse

Paul Smallborne - a patient

Ernest Adder - an evil madman

Setting: An institution for the mentally diseased.

Act I: Ernest Adder, an evil madman, has done harm to Actaeon's cousin, among other evil deeds, such as threatening to destroy the world (he actually stated that he held it hostage), blackmailing the government, and demanding a ton of peanut butter cream as ransom. For the latter he has been sent to an institution. Actaeon's need for revenge encourages him to break into the place. However, his friend Jeffrey Figulus, who works as a male nurse in the institution, comes up with a better plan. He'll smuggle Actaeon in as a patient.

Act II: Actaeon has been smuggled in. His new roommate is Paul Smallborne, an incredibly annoying and tiny man, who usually only talks gibberish. (In truth he's just a misunderstood - and mightily confused - French tourist).

In the evening Actaeon searches the institution for the room in which Adder is kept. While doing so, he is discovered by a doctor named Jerry Grimise, a soft-spoken and incredibly good-looking man, and sent back to his own chamber. Back in his bed, he is unable to sleep. His thoughts revolve around Grimise, for Actaeon has fallen in love.

Act III: The following day, Actaeon tries to tell Grimise how he feels about him but fails, since one, Smallborne always interrupts at the most unfortunate of moments and two, Grimise (naturally) believes that Actaeon is crazy and is convinced that this strange behaviour is merely symptomatic of Actaeon's illness. Jeffrey, though, notices. The two friends converse and Actaeon decides to forsake his initial plan of murdering Adder. His love for Grimise is far greater than his hatred towards Adder.

In another room, Grimise weeps because he has fallen in love with a patient and thus cannot act on his feelings. Insert dramatic monologue

Act IV: Jeffrey tells Grimise of their ploy and Actaeon declares his love for him by means of a poem he has written himself.

 

Long have I sat and idly pondered,

Have turned in bed all night and wondered,

Have left my room and crying wandered,

Have all my money on booze squandered.

Woe is me for I have lost my heart.

But I hadn't noticed from the start

That he who is nobler than a bart

Is dearer to me than van Gogh's art.

Dearer still than the Eiffel Tower,

Dearer than a meteor shower,

Dearer than rose or trumpet flower,

Dearer still than vengeance or power.

Oh, but how to make you grasp this fact

That my mind is sane and quite intact

This is nothing but a cunning act

My revenge on Adder to exact.

This you have to thoroughly belief,

This time I do not try to deceive,

You have stolen my heart like a thief.

Now I just say “Love you”, to be brief.

 

Grimise is moved. He confesses that he, too, has fallen in love but didn't pursue it since as a doctor he must not abuse his position and harass his patients.' Since this obstacle is now out of their way (it had been only a ploy after all), there is nothing that can stop him now.

Yet, there is one more thing to do. While Grimise covers for them, Jeffrey and Acteaon take revenge upon Adder by shaving off his hair and putting itching powder into his bed.

The End

 

Sirius couldn't help it. He began to chew on his fingernails. It was a stupid habit, really, and he'd thought he'd gotten over it years ago. He had watched Remus' face while he'd read the result of what was either Sirius' most brilliant or most stupid idea ever. There was no way to tell what was going through the werewolf's mind at the moment however, since Remus had schooled his face into an expressionless mask. It was most frustrating. While usually Sirius didn't complain about it, since the same blank expression normally convinced everyone that Remus - and his friends, as well, by association - knew nothing about whatever prank they were being accused of having pulled (and usually had, to be honest); now it was really driving him crazy.

Had he even understood it? Of course he had, Sirius chided himself, Moony was smart. He'd know what this was supposed to be.

But were the names maybe too obscure? Sirius had thought long and hard about them, had discarded loads of them and kept others. Jerry Grimise - Geri Isegrim, both had to do with wolves Geri was one of Odin's famous pet wolves and Isegrim was the expression used for wolf in German fables. Actaeon was a hunter in Greek mythology, slaughtered by his own hunting dogswhile Sirius was alsothe name of a hunting dog. Figulus meant potter in Latin. Remus should get that. He knew Latin, he loved mythology. Remus should have cottoned on.

Maybe... maybe, Sirius swallowed as he'd rather not think about it, but maybe Moony had understood but was embarrassed? Maybe he didn't like Sirius that way! That would be the end of the world, it would. Never mind that he'd have made a complete fool of himself. Sirius didn't believe he could stand it. For two years this feeling for Remus had been growing and growing and growing and now it filled his whole heart and he didn't think that there would ever be room for anybody else. There was no room, and, anyway, he didn't want anybody else.

And Remus still hadn't said a word. Not even a single sound had escaped him.

Sirius grew frantic and chewed his fingernails even more ferociously.

Suddenly a hand closed over his own and pried the Animagus' fingers away from his mouth. Surprised, Sirius looked up at Remus' earnest face. Their eyes met and the werewolf opened his mouth to either crush his heart or -

"… in fact, the best assignment the two of you have handed in up to this day. Full marks.”

Sirius stared the corrected play in astonishment. Even as his eyes skimmed yet again over the comment their Muggle Studies teacher had tagged on at the end, he still couldn't really believe that this had earned them such praise. He hadn't even written it for the class!

But then, Sirius could not yet believe many things and foremost among these was that Remus had told him quite bluntly that he had no scruples whatsoever about harassing him.