Fan Fiction ❯ I've Never Squared ❯ One-Shot

I've Never Squared

By Houou Kazoku-Kaga

Disclaimer: Don't own Iron Chef

Warnings: Insanity, alcohol, Sakai/Kumiko, one sided Kandagawa/Michiba, and violence.

References to events in: June, Iron Chef Randomness, The Iron Chefs Go to Mars, How Iron Chef Came to Be, and The White Letter. (And I guess I can say Threes also.)

Michiba: [hovering over sake] NOT MY SAKE!!

Houou: Calm down, we won't use your sake. I bribed Kandagawa to buy some more.

Kaga: In exchange for…

Houou: A spot in the game.

Kandagawa: [falls through the door] Got the sake! [holds bottles in one hand, receipt in the other]

Kaga: Why does everyone have problems opening that door?

Chen: Receipt's upside down. [Kandagawa turns his hand 180 degrees]

Ota: [counts] That's only nine people.

Hoou: No problem. [snaps fingers. Kaede appears in her 'Sailor Hera' outfit]

Kaede: Hey! I was making an ass of myself!

Kaga: Make an ass of yourself later; we've got a game to play.

[They sit in a circle: Kaga, Nakamura, Houou, Kandagawa, Michiba, Chen, Sakai, Kumiko, Kaede, Ota.]

Sakai: Are Kumiko and I, like, the official fandom couple, dare separate us and that's blasphemy?

Houou: [thinks] Sure, what the hell.

Kaede: (who wrote a Sakai/Ishinabe)Hey!!!!

Houou: Whatever. Ota, why don't you start?

Ota: Why me?

Houou: Why not?

Ota: I've never officiated a drinking game.

[Houou and Michiba drink]

Kaede: Umm…I've never…crossdressed on a dare.

[Everyone but her drinks.]

Kaede: I miss out on a lot, don't I?

[Everyone nods.]

Kumiko: I've never…[grins devilishly] thought Kunbi Lin was hot.

Houou: [groans] Your were gonna keep that a secret! [drinks. All the guys snicker.]

Sakai: I've never blown open secrets.

Kumiko: I've never blown open secrets.

Kumiko: Oh, now that's cruel, Hiro-chan and you know it.

Sakai: Do I?

Kumiko: Yes!

[Sakai and Kumiko begin making out]

Kandagawa: Wow.

Nakamura: And we're not even piss drunk yet.

Chen: Ooh! Speaking of piss drunk, I've never asked to get piss drunk and crash a reception!

[Nakamura, Kaga, and Houou drink.]

Michiba: I've never fought against Ishinabe-san.

[Chen drinks]

Kandagawa: I've never…beaten Michiba-san.

[Nakamura sticks his tongue out at Kandagawa and drinks]

Houou: I've never been scared of the Fatal Frame 2 trailer.

[Everyone but Houou and Kaede drink.]

Kaede: Wimps.

Kumiko: WHAT? [proceeds to kill Kaede]

Nakamura: [in a loud voice] I'VE NEVER TRIED TO KILL SOMEONE!

[Kumiko stops, takes a drink, and continues. Sakai pries her off.]

Kaga: I've never dressed in an ugly sailor suit.

[Everyone looks at Kaede.]

Kaede: What? This isn't ugly!

Ota: In who's opinion?

[Kaede drinks.]

Ota: I have NEVER liked Fukui-san as more than a friend, no matter what Kaede told you!

[No one drinks, but everyone begins laughing, because Kaede's trying to look innocent, and failing.]

Kaede: I've never told anyone that you liked Fukui like that!

[No one drinks]

Kandagawa: No one believes you.

Kaga: Ditto.

Kumiko: I've never…damn, I can't think of any! [Sakai whispers in her ear] I've never had a drunken karaoke contest! I can't believe I forgot about that!

[Kaga, Michiba, Chen, and Kandagawa drink]

Sakai: I've never heard the broken window story.

[Houou, Kaede, and Kumiko drink.

Ota: Broken window story?

Kaga: Tell us!

Chen: Okay, one time I was at home goofing off, when I hear this crash. Turns out Kentaro (his older son) broke a window while moving stuff. My wife sees it and she says [this he says in a funny voice] I am not getting you another window. You will get cold, when it rains you will get wet, you will have dogs barking and I still won't get you a window.

[Everyone busts out laughing and falling over, upsetting the sake.]

Michiba: Does he have a window?

Chen: No!

[Laughter begins again.]

Kaga: [bent over, clutching his stomach] If I puke all the sake back up, it's your fault!

Chen: I've never run around in a drunken state saying I wanted Michiba to be my Rose Bride.

[Everyone looks at Kandagawa.]

Kandagawa: I never said that.

Chen: Yes you did! Kobe got it on videotape! [pulls out tape ad puts it in the VCR.]

Kandagawa on VCR: I WANT TO BE A PRINCE AND MICHIBA IS MY ROSE BRIDE!

Kandagawa: I said that? [turns beet red]

Chen: Yep!

Kandagawa: Damn! [drinks]

Kaga: Excuse me. [goes to the side. You can hear him laughing and barfing at the same time] This is your fault, Chen-san!

Chen: Is not!

Kaga: Screw you. I'm leaving. [leaves]

Michiba: I've never thrown knives at Fukui-san.

Chen: How'd you know? [drinks]

Kandagawa: I've never worn a tutu.

[Chen and Kaede drink]

Houou: I've never mutter about having to live in my father's shadow.

Chen: Okay, now you're just picking on me. [drinks]

Nakamura: Damn straight. I've never been portrayed as a rapist because Houou stuffed the ballot box.

Chen: WHAT?!

Houou: You weren't going to tell him that!

[Chen proceeds to beat Houou up.]

Ota: I've never put a plate on the stove and then burned it.

Michiba: That was an accident! [Everyone waits] You want me to drink? Fine!! [grabs a full bottle of sake, downs it, and passes out. Chen finishes beating Houou up. She flicks him off and passes out as well.]

Kaede: I've…hey, where'd Sakai and Kumiko go?

[Kandagawa shrugs]

Nakamura: [mutters under his breath] Worse than rabbits.

Kaede: With half of us gone, I'd say the game's over.

[Kaede, Ota, Chen and Nakamura leave]

Kandagawa: [hides the rest of the sake.] Goodnight, Roku-chan. [snuggles next to Michiba]

Houou: [wakes up] My god, I put Kandagawa/Michiba in there. [rereads what she wrote] MY GOD I WROTE THE WORD SNUGGLES!!!![passes out again.]