Fan Fiction ❯ I've Never ❯ One-Shot

I've Never

By Houou Kazoku-Kaga

Disclaimer: Be thankful I don't own Iron Chef. Otherwise, events like below would be daily.

Ota: What were you on when you wrote this?

Houou: You know what? I don't know.

Ishinabe: We wish to point out that there are slash references, sexual references, Sakai/Kumiko pairing, sake drinking…

Houou: UNDERAGE sake drinking.

Ishinabe: That too. A psycho Michiba, a cat fight, a tribute to other Iron Chef fics, and is that all?

Ota: Think so. WHAT WERE YOU ON?!?!?!?!?!?

Houou: I told you. I don't know.

Ota: Kali Mathews claims rights to the French kiss quotes.

[Sakai and Kaga are playing chess. Alain Passard, Michael Noble, Kumiko Kobayashi, and Kobe are playing Super Smash Brothers Melee. Morimoto, Fukui, and Nakamura are watching TV. Suddenly, Houou and Kaede run in, lugging cases of sake and slam the door knocking over the chess pieces.]

Sakai, Kaga: HEY!

Kaede: Sorry but if Michiba-san found out we stole his sake for this game, he'd kill us.

Sakai: What game?

Kaede: I've Never.

Kobe: Oh, I played that in Italy, it's fun! [turns off Gamecube]

Michael: Hey! I was winning!

[They sit in a circle in this order: Kaga, Kobe, Houou, Alain, Sakai, Kumiko, Kaede, Michael, Morimoto, Nakamura, Fukui.]

Houou: [as she pours the sake] The rules are simple. Say something you've never done, and whoever's done it, drink.

Kaga: Aren't you two young form sake?

Houou: Hey, we stole it, we drink it. Alain, you first.

Alain: Ummmm….I've never been to the US,

[Kaga, Kobe, Houou, Sakai, Kaede, Morimoto, and Fukui drink.]

Sakai: I've never…oh, hell, I've never bitten into a bell pepper.

[Kaga and Houou drink]

Kumiko: [pulls out list.] Done that, done that, oh! I've never battled Nakamura-san!

[Kobe, Alain, Sakai, and Morimoto grumble as they drink.]

Nakamura: Oh come on, it's not like I beat you, well, except Morimoto-san, what do you have to complain about?

Alain: Matter of principle, Koumei. Matter of principle.

Kaede: Yes!! Revenge time! I've NEVER LOOKED AT MY FRIEND'S PASSWORD!!!

[Everyone snickers as Houou and Fukui drink.]

Michael: Well, I never used my friend's password to read their email.

Kaede: Damn!

[Fukui drinks]

Morimoto: I've never tackled an Iron Chef that I adored.

[Houou, Kaede, and Kumiko drink. Everyone gives glances at Kumiko.]

Kumiko: What?

Everyone but a blushing Sakai: Who'dya tackle?

Kumiko: I plead the fifth!

Kobe: Can't plead it. This isn't America.

Kumiko: Damn. [mumbles] Sakai.

Kobe: Aaaaand? What happened next?

Kaga: I know! They were…mmphmmphmmph! [Sakai silences him]

Sakai: Nothing happened!

Everyone: Sure.

Nakamura: I've never…sat or stood or lied down on the countertop just to piss Morimoto-san off.

[Everyone but Morimoto and Nakamura, with proud smug faces, drinks.]

Fukui: I've never cooked in Kitchen Stadium.

[Everyone but Kaga, Houou, Kaede, and Fukui drink.]

Kaga: [with a malicious grin] I've never French kissed on the countertop.

[Faces beet red, Sakai and Kumiko drink.]

Michael: You need a life, Kaga-san.

Kobe: Okay, I've never screwed on the countertop.

[See previous drink]

Michael: You REALLY need a life.

Houou: Trying to change the subject, I've never hated the costumes used in Kitchen Stadium.

[The Iron Chef's drink. The phone rings and the answering machine clicks on]

Kaede's voice: We're not here right now. Leave a message. Oh, and if you see Mine Ryuta, French kiss real quick.

Houou's voice: French kiss nothing! Screw him!

Michiba's voice: I KNOW YOU TWO STOLE MY SAKE! YOU BETTER GIVE IT BACK IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!![click]

Alain: I've never yelled 'French kiss nothing, screw him' on a message machine.

Houou: That was cruel, Passard. [drinks]

Sakai: I've never gone psycho and burned down Kitchen Stadium.

Morimoto: GOOD TIMES! [He drinks.]

Kumiko: I never had to wear a ridiculous outfit.

[Everyone but Kumiko, Kaede, and Fukui drink]

Kaede: I've never actually answered that quote at the beginning of the show.

Kobe: which one was that again?

Kaede: Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you what you are. Brillat-Savarin. [Everyone but her drinks.]

Oh, you're kidding; what did you say?

Kaga: Bell pepper. [as an afterthought] Duh.

Kobe: Angel hair pasta.

Houou: POCKY!!!!

Alain: Pancakes

Sakai: Shrimp

Kumiko: Ketchup

Michael: Potatoes.

Morimoto: Sushi

Nakamura: Carrots

Fukui: Donut.

Kaede: Oookayyyy.

Michael: I've never kissed Morimoto-san.

[Kaede pecks Morimoto on the cheek and drinks]

Morimoto: Thank God for that!

Houou: Yeah, I can't see the two of you together.

Kaga: I always thought it'd be funny of Morimoto-san went out with someone from the Ota faction.

Kobe: How about Bobby Flay? [Everyone throws sake at him.] Just a thought.

Nakamura: I've never beaten Alain-san.

[Sakai drinks.]

Fukui: I've never read the Iron Chef fics on Fanfiction Dot Net.

[Everyone but Fukui drinks.]

Kobe: You should, one features you.

Fukui: Really?

Morimoto: I liked Bobby Flay Battle.

Kaga: You would. Someone passed Hou-chan off as my grandniece, any idea who it is?

Houou: [faking innocence] No idea.

Michael: Did you really act like how you acted in When the Iron Chefs were Kids?

Nakamura: Oh, yeah, we did. Hey, Kobe, know what was funny?

Kobe: What?

Nakamura: In French Course, you and I were betting on whether Sakai and Ishinabe would become an item.

Sakai: WHAT? NO WAY! I'M PERFECTLY FINE WITH KUMIKO, OR DIDN'T YOU READ SAKAI-SAN'S DATE?!

Kaede: Speaking of that, I still think Kumiko's pregnant.

Kumiko: I AM NOT!!!

[moment of silence]

Kaede: Yeah, you are.

[Kumiko bitch slaps Kaede, Kaede pinches her, and soon there's a fight going on.]

Alain: Cat fight.

Houou: Cool, let me join! [gets up, but Kobe pulls her down. She lands in his lap.] Hi, Kobe-san.

[Michael and Sakai pull the girls apart.

Kaga: I've been waiting to say this!!!! I've never screwed Sakai!!!

[Glaring, Kumiko drinks]

Kobe: I've never thrown sake at anyone.

[Everyone but Kobe drinks]

Houou: I've never had an eggplant blow up in my face.

[Sakai drinks.]

Alain: I've never…

[The floor behind them crashes down, along with a mangled Ishinabe. Michiba jumps down wielding a chainsaw.

Michiba: VENGENCE SHALL BE MINE!

Alain: RUN!

[Everyone runs.]

Chen's voice: Hey, who put the hole in my floor?

Ishinabe: Owwwwwwww…