Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass: Harry Potter Style ❯ Jackass: Harry Potter Style ( One-Shot )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Jackass: Harry Potter Style
a truly pathetic attempt at a Harry Potter humor fic
4-2-2003
by Grey Fox

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all related characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. The TV show Jackass and the concept behind it are the property of MTV. The f***ed-up idea of putting Harry Potter and company in a fic and having them do Jackass-esque stuff is mine, and frankly, I think I'm the only one who would bother doing such a moronic thing.

Well anyway, time to kick off Jackass: Harry Potter Style, so let's introduce our cast, who will be performing ridiculous and oftentimes degrading stunts solely for our amusement:

Harry Potter! (Duh.)
Ron Wasley! (I'm supposed to say something funny here, right?)
Hermione Granger! (Must... destroy... the elderly...)
Draco Malfoy! (This sucks! This sucks!)
Dobby! (All your base are belong to us!)
and Sirius Black! (I'm, too sexy for my dog form. Too sexy for my wizarding robes.)

God help us all.

*********************************

Our story starts out in an auto junkyard somewhere in London. Hermione is busily operating an electromagnet, setting up a long row of junked cars between two ramps.

Hermione: Heh heh, almost finished....

The rest of the crew is standing a good distance away from one of the ramps, and over there with them is a motorcycle.

Draco: Ummm, now explain to me exactly what I have to do again.
Sirius: It's simple really. Just ride the motorcycle off one ramp and over the row of cars and come down off the other ramp.
Draco: Thank you. Now I remember why I don't want to do this.
Hermione: (walking over to the guys now that she's finished) Come on Draco. There's a Muggle psycho called Evil Kineval that does this all the time!
Dobby: Is Draco saying that a Muggle can do something Draco can't?
Draco: Nice try, elf. There's still no way I'm doing this.
Harry: Oh please. We really need to get this started.
Draco: Can't I use Sirius' motorcycle or something?
Sirius: No way you're touching my bike, Slytherin. Besides, Hagrid's got it right now.
Ron: Oh forget it people. It's obvious Malfoy's too much of a chicken shit to do a stunt like this.
Draco: (turns and stares at Ron) What did you say?
Ron: I said you're a wuss. I mean, remember that time we had to go in the Forbidden Forest? You looked as if you were gonna piss in your pants.
Draco: (pissed off) Grrrrrr, I'll show you Weasley!! All right, how do I work this thing?

Sirius shows Draco how to start the motorcycle and gives him a helmet. The rest of the crew backs away while Draco starts up the bike.

Draco: Okay now, watch this!!!

Draco speeds toward the ramp. He makes the jump perfectly and lands harmlessly on the other ramp. Draco keeps going forward after making the jump.

Sirius: Well I'll be damned. The little Slytherin slimeball did it.
Dobby: Okay! Draco can stop the bike now!

Draco keeps going, right out of the junkyard.

Harry: Uh-oh, I think Sirius forgot to tell Draco how to STOP the bike....

******

Draco is seen speeding along uncontrollably on the motorcycle, riding on a sidewalk. People frantically jump out the way to avoid getting hit by the runaway motorcycle. Draco ends up plowing through a fruit car, sending fruit flying everywhere. The motorcycle continues to go forward.

Draco: Damnit!! How do I stop this thing??!!!

The motorcycle ends up hitting a fire hydrant. This knocks Draco off the bike and sends him flying forward, right through the window of a glassworks shop.

That's gotta hurt. Good thing he was wearing his helmet.

******

The whole crew is back at the auto junkyard.

Draco: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
Hermione: Oh, quit whining Draco.
Ron: Yeah. We're all probably going to get hurt eventually.
??????: Hey, I wanna join too!
everyone else: Huh?

Moaning Myrtle floats down, coming out of nowhere.

Sirius: What are you doing here?
Myrtle: You heard me. I wanna be a part of this too.
Dobby: Umm, why exactly?
Myrtle: Because I hardly ever get any good parts in the books! All I've gotten is the part of a minor character in Chamber of Secrets and that one scene in Goblet of Fire where I saw Harry in the bath.
everyone but Harry and Myrtle: (turn and stare at Harry)
Harry: Eh heh heh. But, Myrtle, you're a ghost.
Myrtle: So? What does that have to do with anything?!
Harry: Since you're a ghost, you can't be hurt physically, so there's really no point in doing any of this stuff with us. It'd be unfair.
Hermione: Actually, I can think of ONE stunt she could do....
Myrtle: (brightens up) Realy?!! What is it?!
Hermione: (points to a spot) Just stand over there.
Myrtle: (cherrfully) Okay!
Hermione: Okay then, now if you'll excuse me... (runs off)
Ron: Wonder what she has planned for Myrtle.
Draco: Ummm, why is Hermione going back to the electromagnet?

Hermione gets back into the machine and begins to operate it again. She then drops the electromagnet right on the spot where Myrtle is standing.

Myrtle: (screams of extreme pain peppered by hideous profanities that are totally unsuitable for a Harry Potter fanfiction)
the boys of the crew: o_O
Hermione: (walks back over to the boys)
Draco: Hermione, what the hell did you do to her?
Hermione: What does it look like? I dropped a magnet on her.
Sirius: Why did that hurt her so bad?
Hermione: Because magnets are one of the few things ghost can't stand.
Myrtle: (floats back over to the crew, her hair now standing on end)
Draco: (smirking) So, still want to do this with us?
Myrtle: (pissed off) Shut it biker boy.

*********************************

The setting now changes to a back alley somewhere else in London, where we see Dobby.

Dobby: Hello. It is Dobby, the humble house-elf, and this.... (holds up a cardboard box) .... is Dobby's cardboard box (flashes an obnoxious smile).

All of a sudden, Solid Snake of Metal Gear fame comes out of nowhere, and walks up behind Dobby.

Snake: Hey! That's my routine!
Dobby: Solid Snake should really get back to his Tragic Heroes fic and leave Dobby alone.
Snake: Oh all right, all right. Hmph, little freaky bat-eared plagiarizing jackass...... (walks off)
Dobby: Well, without further interruption, Dobby will now use his cardboard box....

Dobby gets under the cardboard box, and starts walking out the alley while under the box as the music from Mission Impossible plays in the background.

Dobby walks out onto the sidewalk and prances around under the box while pedestrians stare at him incredulously. Eventually, he stops at an intersection and waits for the "WALK" sign to light up. The people who are also waiting stare at the box Dobby is under. Finally, the "WALK" sign flashes, and the pedestrians, along with Dobby underneath the cardboard box, cross the street.

Dobby, still under his cardboard box, walks into an office building. He walks up to an elevator and waits for it to open or someone to come and hit the button. Eventually, the latter happens, and Dobby walks in with a bunch of other people, who stare at the box, confused.

The next time the elevator opens up, Dobby gets out. The darts through the maze of cubicles, and occasionally the occupants of the cubicles will stick their heads out to take a peek at someone prancing around under a cardboard box.

*********************************

Now, we see Harry and Ron on their broomsticks, flying high over the streets of London.

Ron: You ready, Harry?
Harry: Yeah, let's do this.

Both Harry and Ron unzip their pants and while flying horizontally start peeing. Various screams of surprise and vehement utterances of profanities can be heard down below.

Ron: Man, I really needed that after eight of those... what were they called again?
Harry: Pepsis, Ron. Anyway, let's head back. The fight should be starting soon.

Harry and Ron fly onto the roof of a hotel building and walk inside.

******

The setting is now the lobby area of the hotel building Harry and Ron just entered. Here, we see Sirius and Myrtle sitting behind a table.

Sirius: Okay everyone, now it's time more a little boxing match. In one corner, we have the top student of Gryffindor house, Hermione Granger!

Hermione walks into the lobby, wearing boxing gloves.

Myrtle: And in the other corner, we have Slytherin's resident fathead, Draco Malfoy!
Draco: (offscreen) HEY!
Myrtle: Oh, just get your ass out here so you can get it kicked!

Draco walks out into the lobby, also wearing boxing gloves, and is looking daggers at Myrtle.

Sirius: Well, we better get this started then.
Myrtle: LET'S GET READDDYYY TO RUMMMMMMBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Dobby: (walks by holding up a sign that has "ROUND 1" crudely markered on it)

Draco makes the first move, aiming a punch at Hermione's head, but Hermione sticks up both her gloved hands to block it. She then tries to connect with a right hook, but Draco ducks down. Then Draco manages to nail her with an uppercut. This sens Hermione reeling, but doesn't knock her down.

Ron: Betcha five galleons she manages to knock him out out in the next thirty seconds.
Harry: You're on.

Hermione and Draco circle each other for a while, trying to decide when woould be the best time to attack. When Hermione decides to strike, she delivers a low blow to Draco's gut. When he reflexively bends over, she then nails him in the head with an uppercut of her own, then connects with a right. This sends Draco careening back, and he falls backwards onto a small table with a lamp on it. The table breaks and the lamp shatters when Draco falls on it. He doesn't get up.

Ron: (to Harry) Pay up.
Harry: Craaaaaaap....

*********************************

Our new setting is on a tennis court somewhere, where we see Harry on one side of the court, and Ron on the other, who's holding some sort of gun.

Ron: Hello. We're here because Harry wants to test his new and improved Shield Charm. And to do it, I'm going to use this, er, eh, beanbag gun. Yeah, I think that's what Harry said it was. It's something that, uh, um.....
Harry: (from across the court) Policemen, Ron. They use them to control riots.
Ron: Right, that. Well, let's get started then, shall we?

Harry sets up his Shield Charm and Ron readies the beanbag gun.

Ron: Fire one!

Ron shoots the gun, and the beanbag ricochets harmlessly off of Harry's shields.

Harry: Well, so far it's working.
Ron: Okay then. Fire two!

Ron fires the gun again, and once again, the beanbag bounces off Harry's shield. This time though, it ricochets at an upwards angle. A bird then falls down onto the court, dead.

Harry: Oops.
Ron: Blimey! Oh well. Fire three!

Ron fires the gun yet again, but this time, the beanbag smashes through the shield, making a sound like that of shattering glass. The beanbag strikes him in the abdomen and he doubles over in pain.

Harry: AH DAMNIT!!!! IT HURTS LIKE ALL HELL!!!!!
Ron: At least it didn't hit you in the balls....
Harry: Oh thanks Ron, looking at the positives, huh?

*********************************

Our next location is some waterpark/aquarium exhibit, where we see Ron, Hermione and Draco inside, looking through an aquarium window at the sharks.

Hermione: Harry looked really hurt after that bungled shield charm stunt.
Draco: Oh please. The man's faced off against a basilisk, dementors and Lord Voldemort himself. He'll live.
Ron: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you actually cared.
Draco: Don't make me sick Weasley.
Hermione: So when will Sirius show up?

Inside the tank, the vague outline of a human form can be seen. It comes closer, and it's obvious that it is Sirius Black after having used gillyweed. He's swimming along with the sharks, and he's moving swiftly enough to avoid getting attacked by them.

Draco: Those sharks don't look so dangerous.
Hermione: Then why don't you use some gillyweed and jump in too?
Draco: ..... I'll pass.
Ron: Feh, even with gillyweed, there'd be no way I'd do a stunt like that.
Hermione: At least he won't have to deal with that giant squid from the lake.

The view now switches to the top of the aquarium, where we see Harry and Myrtle looking down into the water tank.

Harry: Good thing there's no man-eating sharks like these in the Hogwarts lake.
Myrtle: Uhhh Harry, look who's just showed up.
Harry: (looks up) Eh?

Across from Harry and Myrtle, on the other side of the tank, are half a dozen or so dementors.

Myrtle: Aw crap, they must be after Sirius again.
Harry: (pulls out wand) Not for long. Expecto Patronum!

The patronus shoots out towards the dementors. In an attempt to avoid it, they jump into the water tank. Which turns out to be a mistake.

The view switches back to Ron, Hermione and Draco, who are watching the dementors getting chewed up by the sharks.

Ron: Ewww, that is disgusting.
Hermione: I never would have thought sharks had a thing for dementors.
Draco: Screw using a patronus against them. Just conjure up an image of a shark.

*********************************

The setting is now some parking lot at night, where the only vehicle parked there is an ambulance, and the only person who can be seen is a Death Eater, standing by the ambulance. All of a sudden, Voldemort apparates onto the scene and walks up to the Death Eater.

Voldemort: So Lucius, you managed to find and subdue Ivan Karkaroff?
Lucius: Yes, My Lord. I put him inside this thing the Muggles call an ambulance and left him there for you to deal with.
Voldemort: Very well, Lucius. You shall be rewarded generously. Now, to deal with that cowardly traitor.

Voldemort steps into the back part of the ambulance, but as soon as he does, Lucius closes the back doors and locks Voldemort inside.

Voldemort: Hey! What the...

Lucius Malfoy slumps down onto the ground. Then, Hermione and Ron, who were also standing next to the ambulance, throw off Harry's invisibility cloak and walk up to the windows in the back of the ambulance.

Hermione: You're not the only one who can use the Imperius Curse, you know. (AN: Yes, I *KNOW* using that spell can land your ass in Azkaban for life. Just bear with me here.)
Ron: And we surrounded the ambulance with an anti-magic field. You can't get out!
Voldemort: DAMN YOU! When I get out of here it's Avada Kedavra time for you two!
Hermione and Ron: (step back from the ambulance, turn around, drop their pants and moon Voldemort)
Ron: Hey Tommy! Check out the craters on this moon!
Voldemort: That's it, I'm not going to just kill you. I'll turn your bodies inside-out and sic a legion of man-eating rabbits on you.
Hermione: Yeah yeah, whatever. Okay Harry, bring it on!

All of a sudden, a semi truck pulls into the parking lot. The driver sticks his head out. It's Harry Potter.

Harry: Okay you two, get away. It's time to lay the smack down on his crippled ass!

Hermione and Ron pull up their pants and back away from the ambulance and watch as the semi truck speeds up and heads toward the ambulance, with Voldemort still inside.

Voldemort: Oh no, this can't be good.....

Harry drives the semi right into the ambulance, which gives way with a satisfying sound of crunching and twisting metal.

Harry: Oh boy, did that ever feel good. I think I'll do it again.

Harry backs up the semi truck, only to have it ram into the ambulance again.

*********************************

TV fuzz

*********************************

Please note that these stunts are extremely dangerous and you should not attempt to re-enact them. Besides, these guys aren't even real, they're fictional characters. And they have enough trouble with everyone accusing the Harry Potter books of being Satanic and stuff like that. Those damn scapegoatists don't need extra fuel for their arguments resulting from you and your dumb friends trying to do the stunts you just read about here.

Anyway, that's all. Thank you for taking the time to read this piece of shit fic.

So long,
Grey Fox