Fan Fiction ❯ Jones, Moby Jones ❯ Chapter 1

Jones, Moby Jones

By Hiro Konobu

 

 

This SSX fic is a send up/parody of the spy genre, and as so said predictably I don't anything except Radio Hiro, and my fics.

 

(This story starts off at a lab known as the London center for chemical research where someone has broken into the lab and stolen a typically named chemical vial called…the `biochemical vial that shall cause disease if opened by an evil villain/mad scientist')

“Captain Johnson one of the guards has stolen a chemical vial known as the `biochemical vial that shall cause disease if opened by an evil villain/mad scientist' (No seriously that's what it's called) sir.”

“Well have you sent any guards to deal with this traitorous bastard?”

(Gets interrupted by a hammer space using Shujinko from the MK series)

“That's my bit!”

“I'm suing!”

(He then goes back to ready his lawsuit against Captain Johnson)

“Any way, have you found the guy yet?”

“Yes he is confirmed as Eddie Wachoski who infiltrated the defenses by using some pretty nifty hacking skills, and gadgets anything else sir.”

“Yes remind me to never hire people who have great gadgetry skills, and huge orange afros.”

(Meanwhile inside the London center before the incident two people are talking)

“Hey it's not my fault that he's like that.”

“Like what…the fact that he's like that but he messed with the vials so he's stuck like that now.”

“Though he is better like that.”

(Skip to the guy who was messing with the vials)

“Just because you tricked me into drinking into that vial doesn't mean it's permanent. “Yeah right panda boy.”

(Then someone comes in panting)

“That new guy…” “Who Eddie Wachoski?” “…Yeah him…” “Why do you ask?” “…He stole the `biochemical…vial…that…shall…cause…disease 230;if…opened…by…an…evil….villain/mad scientist…'”

(He falls down after saying this too and the ones who are still up say this…) “shit…”

“Aha I finally have the chemical known as the biochemical vial that shall cause disease if opened by an evil villain/mad scientist.”

“Now I can take over the world Muhwahahaha!”

“So why don't you open it now boss?”

“Sorry I can't till near the end of this fic, and after some key events and Zoe.” “Yes master Psymon.” “Ready the high budget opening video for play.”

“Doing so right now.”

 

(Okay at this point the author would like you to remember how most spy movie intros are done cause that's how it looks like, and because the author can't do any imagery pertaining to this)

 

(After the intro we see Moby Jones on a bridge getting ready to base jump it, and with a helicopter telling him otherwise)

“This is the police stop your fruitless attempt to base jump our bridge and give yourself up.”

“That I will not do blokes.”

(Moby then proceeds to jump off the bridge while falling he ends up hitting a part of the bridge while deploying his parachute…which still opens)

”Stupid bloody bridge making me hurt my arm.”

“Well at least the parachute opened and I got away from the Po-Po's…(Moby sees police cars down on the bottom)…well at least I thought I did…shoot.”

(Now we skip to a courtroom where Moby is on trial for his actions on the bridge)

“Moby Jones. You have been charged with three counts of illegal base jumping, two of them on a Wednesday, five counts of illegal downloading of music…”

“Hey when did that happen?”

“We found them while examining your apartment while you were out the other day.”

“How did you get permission to enter my apartment?”

“Your roommate Seeiah Owens did.”

(Now Moby Jones thinks and says something about it quietly)

“Note to self: Play practical joke on Seeiah.”

“Oh yeah and also one count of mimicking a scene from Monty Python's Flying Circus, but since that's a good show we won't count that.”

“Well what I came in here for was for a trial.”

“You got your trial Moby and are charged with either helping us out, spend 25 days in jail.”

“I'll take the helping you guys out option.”

“Good.”

“Why do I get the feeling that, one I will regret this and two that the author is trying his best to make a running gag out of his laziness.”

(Now we skip to…well this organization really doesn't have a name)

“Well…Moby Jones I see what you can bring to the company.”

“I guess so, but why is the head of this organization a girl?”

“Well my father is on vacation in China so he wont be back for a while.”

“Oh, so what will I be doing here?”

“Well you will be an operative here at this unnamed organization, and just that but you will be getting help from some of our people here.”

“Like who?”

“Well I can show you around the place and show you who's who here.”

“Okay then do that uhh…what's your name?”

“Kaori Nishidake, your boss till this job is done.”

“Yeah weren't you going to show me around weren't you?”

“Oh yeah I was let's go.”

“Now Moby our secret organization is obviously dedicated towards the betterment of humankind, and other things as well…like cool gadgets, hey Viggo I'd like you to meet the new person Moby Jones.”

(Now Viggo was working on one of his gadgets when he was called over, and well messed up got a little shocked when she did that)

“Oops, sorry Viggo anyway here is Moby.”

“Hello Moby I be Viggo Rolig head of the R&D division just working on a quote gender change gun.”

“Why are you doing that?”

(Now Viggo goes back to working on his machine)

“For spy and humor purposes of course…ahh it's done…now for someone to test it on, hey Luther!”

“Yeah?”

“Come here for a sec.”

“All right.”

(As Luther comes over there Viggo readies his gender change gun)

“So Viggo what did…”

(When that was said Viggo blasted him with the gun, and what Luther looks like as girl, well think of a hot, and sexy female version of Luther, also Viggo doing some bad infomercial style of saying)

“Gender Switch Guns coming on the 30th of next month, in hot and sexy, cute teenager, furry human animal or full animal, and damn ugly gender switched person.

“O…k Moby let's just go to the brief room.”

“Got…ya.”

(After this Moby, and Kaori go to the boardroom while Luther is trying to give Viggo a taste of his own medicine with that gun)

“Have you heard of the recent incident in London where some big orange haired Afro wearing person stole a certain chemical with a typical long name in which I can't mention.”

“Why not?”

“The author threatened me that he will do a Mac/Allegra pairing if I mention it even though he prefers the Mac/Kaori pairing.”

(Awkward Silence)

“Anyway you're mission is to infiltrate Psymon labs in London and destroy it.”

“Will I have any gadgets for this mission?”

“Nope…budget cuts.”

“…Shoot…”

(Later at Psymon labs we see Psymon checking up on his chemical production)

“So minion how is production on the `biochemical vial that shall cause disease if opened by an evil villain/mad scientist' going?”

“Well sir we have produced as much as we can for we are only minions.”

“Well since you are minions very well Zoe!”

“Yes boss!”

“Hold down the Psymon lab of doom while I go back to my base.”

(As Psymon leaves Zoe kind of shows her true feelings towards Psymon.)

“Foolish bastage why should I be second banana too you Psymon?”

(Then she laughs maniacally, and as for the minions they do nothing as Moby Jones “stealthfully” sneaking in…because he falls while getting in)

“Ow…now how to this?”

(Pulls out a tranquilizer gun and some smoke grenades and some other gadgets…okay I lied about the budget thing…)

“So minion #127 what do you think about our labor rights?”

“Well I don't know minion #418 us minions aren't supposed to talking about this thing…hello minion #127 where are you…”

(As this was said Moby sneaks up on him with a tranquilizer gun)

“Hello I'd like to ask you some questions on this facility”

“Okay…I'm only a minion so don't kill me.”

“Well minions are the bottom of the henchman scrap heap anyway so tell me who is in charge here.”

“Well right now it's Zoe Payne, but the true person in charge is Psymon Stark.”

“The second one what's the radio frequency to get into that locked door over there?”

“It's 144.72 now let me go.”

“One more question, are you a Johnny?”

“No and this isn't Metal Gear Solid 3.”

“Sorry just thought it be funny to put that bit in.”

(At this time Moby knocks out the guard and puts in the aforementioned stuff into the door, and it opens)

“I guess they were right about that.”

(At the same time as Moby enters the door he hears a voice coming and it's Zoe Payne)

“Well, well, well Moby quite perceptive of you to use the 144.72 code to get in.”

“Nah I got it from one of your minions.”

“Well that's justified, besides the only thing minions are supposed to do are supply info.”

“Well give yourself up Zoe Payne…although…(Cue corny British accent)'do I make you horny baby?' If you do that I wont tell anyone about the fact that you were working for the enemy.”

(Zoe face faults at the corny British accent, then says something else)

“Nice one but you'll never take me alive…yet Marisol, stall Moby Jones till I get out of here.”

“Okay.”

(Now to make another lame plot hole/running gag of laziness here, Marisol gets in a car and drives off to start another high budget chase scene while Moby somehow gets his a car of his own Marisol and Moby have a somewhat long chase scene, then after about 11 minutes of driving we see Marisol “accidentally” driving into an ocean and…well the “Marisol death clause” comes into play…again)

“Well that was the lamest excuse the author had to skip a chase scene, but now the bimbo of doom is gone.”

(As soon as that was said Moby gets a call on his M-Comm)

“Well I see that Zoe, and Psymon got away from you but while you at the lab we looked at where it was coming from and found Psymon's so-called secret base...and Viggo became a cute teenager when Luther got his quote revenge on him…anyway we are sending an air transport to pick you up.”

“When is it going to be here Kaori?”

“Look up into the sky Moby”

(As Moby looks up sure enough there was the air transport coming, and another act of Moby Jones being corny.)
”Beam me up Scottie.”

(Believe it or not the beaming up part actually works and we now see Moby Jones up on the ship)

“Holy shit I can't believe that actually worked.”

“I can't either.”

“So pilot where are we going?”

“To Psymon's base, but…”

“But what?”

“You have to jump down yourself.”

“What!”

“Oh and it's right now.”

“Without a parachute?”

(The pilot nods his head, and flips switch, then Moby goes out of the plane through a hatch in the plane…and Moby said something after he was let out)

“Cruse you ya bloody stupid pilot.”

“That just goes to show you folks…(He takes of the helmet to reveal it was Mac Fraser)…don't mess with anyone who is your pilot.”

(Now Moby falls but he decides to check if a gadget like parachute is in there)

“Let's see some fruit, vegetables, a patriot board, a crotchitizer...”

(When that was said Moby ends up landing on the ground by the base and on Zoe Payne)

“Well good thing someone was down there to break my fall.”

“You bastage…”

“Sorry about that.”

“Yeah right…I forgot your name.”

“It's Jones, Moby Jones”

“So now I guess like your drinks shaken and not stirred I guess.”

“Yes I do like to have them shaken and not stirred.”

(Just then some more unnamed minions then come up and try to take Moby Jones away, but being the fact that they are minions they all get beat up easily till Zoe Payne in terms of using a plot hole appears to confess something)

“Moby when I first laid eyes on you I thought you nothing more than a Liquid Snake wannabe, then a Sam Fisher wannabe, then a James Bond wannabe, and finally for some reason I thought you were that one guy from GTA: San Andreas, but anyway I really like you, but I don't like the author's rampant use of plot holes and laziness because he can't do a fight scene and chase worth anything, oh yeah and the only reason I was acting like that in the lab earlier is that…I'm a double agent.”

“Damn that was a lot of rambling on Zoe…”

(Just then Psymon shoots Zoe)

“I was wondering why my info was being tapped.”

“Anything else you team killing fucktard?”

“Yes she ate all of my pizza when I beat her at the game we will play to determine the fate of the world, and for the `biochemical vial that shall cause disease if opened by an evil villain/mad scientist' (Cue evil maniacal laughter)”

“One question Psymon Stark…”

“Roll it through.”

“What game are we going to play?”

“We will play Timesplitters 2, and I will win for I am an evil genius.”

“When do you want to start?”

“Follow me into my game room of doom.”

(Now Moby is thinking why does everything be of doom with everyone around here?)

“Here we are the PS2 part of the game room.”

“Now Moby prepare to die with thunderbolt Chinese Chef.”

“While you will lose from my Badass Cyborg.”

(Now we have to skip to a somewhat short game…ah screw it, think up what would happen in your own heads during this fight, now we skip to a scene where Moby is holding both Zoe and the `biochemical vial that shall cause disease if opened by an evil villain/mad scientist' triumphantly.)

“Now with justice capping evil's ass in Timesplitters 2 I'm off, and feeling hungry for a certain something.”

(For some reason even though a switch wasn't hit like all evil bases do before they self-destruct Moby and Zoe get out of the base in time to get out)

“I guess they don't call you Jones, Moby Jones for nothing.”

“That's right Zoe now let's shag…”

“Okay Moby.”

“Even with all the plot holes the author mentioned I'm still getting some.”

(Now seeing as the author wants to keep this a T/PG-13 rated fic the author will let you think what happens here)

End…Finally

……………………..

Let me give you some insight on how this fic was thought up, first off when I was playing SSX Tricky the other day trying to mine for ideas for a fic I had no idea till I looked at the profile of Moby Jones, thus inspiring me to do this spy genre parody fic, along with in-joke references to other fics of mine, but then again I hoped you enjoyed this fic that took me over two months to complete.