Fan Fiction ❯ Kingdom Hearts: Abridged ❯ Destination: Destiny! ( Chapter 1 )

A note from the Hime-

Hello all, and welcome to the first of my contributions here at Mediaminer.org. Though new here, I'm no stranger to the world of fanfiction, having published my work before under the penname Ryuutsu Seishin, Hime no Argh on Fanfiction.net. This fic was posted under a different screenname, Nihongo Steel, but was removed in light of Ff.net's new scriptfics ban (may they rot) and so it's been moved here.

I don't write comedy much, but this fic seems to be going well and I'm looking forward to posting it till its end. Thanks for reading, and please let me know what you think.

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Kingdom Hearts: Abridged

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Chapter 1

Destination: Destiny!

INTRO: Cue lightning flashes and Disney/Square logos.

Player: A cool-looking Disney game? Okay, NOW I'm confused.

Disney/Squeenix game designers: Just wait until you see the opening FMV.

FMV: Techno beat.

Sora: I've been having these weird thoughts lately. Like…is any of this for real, or not?

Utada Hikaru belts out the lyrics to "Simple and Clean" as Sora plummets from the sky.

Sora: AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! *splash*

Sora sees Riku standing in the surf.

Riku: *snapping fingers* Don't get me wrong, I love you…

Sora: Riku?

Riku: But does that mean I have to meet your father?

Sora: RIKU!!

Riku: *turns around* WHAT?! *looks up* Oh, shit…Sora, you might wanna look behind you…

Sora: Oh please, that's the oldest trick in the-

Sora is abruptly bowled over by a tidal wave.

Kairi: LMAO. Wow you looked stupid.

Sora: Duhhhhhh…yer purty…yuk yuk…

Kairi: *looks up* Wtf?

Sora: Okay, I know I just got hit by a wave but this time it's DEFINITELY a trick.

Sora is abruptly falling again.

Sora: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! *splash*

Sora lands at the bottom of the ocean and looks around with an utterly bewildered expression. The same expression is on the face of every single Kingdom Hearts game player.

Player: What. The. Fuck.

INT: Bizarre floating stained glass place: Snow White

Sora: Whoa. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that paopu fruit.

Mysterious floating words: Hi Sora!

Sora: GAH!!

Mysterious floating words: Oh, sorry. Don't be afraid. The door is still shut.

Sora: What door?

MFW: The one you'll hear about a billion times before the end of the game.

Sora: Oh.

MFW: *cough* Anyway, pick your weapon.

Sora: OMG A SWORD!!!

MFW: We have a winner. *kicks Sora off Snow White*

Sora falls again and lands with a splat on Cinderella's face.

MFW: Um, Cinderella, you-you have something on your-oh wait, it's just Sora.

Sora: Hey!

MFW: Shut up and whack those shadow thingies.

Sora: AGGGGGGGHHHHHH!! SPIDERS!! *whacks shadow thingies*

MFW: The day you will open the door is both far off and very near.

Sora: …Okay, that makes no sense whatsoever.

MFW: Oh, hey, look at the time. Gotta go!

MFW leaves Sora with Darkside.

Sora: Um…hi?

Darkside: Grr.

Sora: Crap.

Sora fights Darkside, but eventually is overcome by TEH DARKNESS!!!1

Sora: NOT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!! *falls*

EXT: Destiny Island: Beach

Sora lies unconscious on the beach. Kairi stands over him, poking him with a stick.

Kairi: Tee hee. Squishy.

Sora: OW!

Sora sits up.

Kairi: Sora, you lazy bum. I knew I'd find you snoozing down here.

Sora: Is that your excuse for poking me?

Kairi: Um…

Sora: Besides, I wasn't sleeping! This huge black thing swallowed me up!

Kairi: Are you sure it wasn't something you ate?

Sora: You suck. Now I'm going to randomly ask you about your hometown to establish that you're the mysterious-female-with-no-past character.

Kairi: Okey-dokey.

Sora: Say Kairi, what was your hometown like?

Kairi: No idea, don't remember a thing, happy here, wouldn't mind seeing it though.

Sora: Me too, love adventure, wanna see all the worlds.

Kairi: Great, let's go.

A log abruptly smacks into the back of Sora's head.

Sora: @$&#!!

The game designers shake their heads sternly.

Sora: Oh, right, Disney game… Ow! Gosh darn it, Riku, why the heck did you have to do that?

Riku: Because you were thinking of sexing K-

The game designers shake their heads sternly.

Riku: Uh…'cause I'm the only one working on the raft?

Kairi: Finding one log is not "working on the raft".

Riku: I'd like to see you do better.

Kairi: But I'm the helpless female. Now go find some supplies, bitches.

Ext: Destiny Island: Beach in the sunset.

Kairi: So what did everyone do today?

Riku: I wrote some angsty poetry and kicked Sora's ass a few times.

Sora: I smacked the bitch out of Wakka for pronouncing Tidus "Tee-dus."

Kairi: Cool.

Sora: So, Kairi's home is somewhere out there, huh? Think we'll find it?

Riku: If the fact that Squeenix co-made this game is any indication, yes. Yes we will.

Kairi heads home. Sora follows, but Riku calls him back.

Riku: Psst. Sora. Check it out.

Riku holds out a star-shaped fruit.

Sora: *GASP* Is that a paopu fruit?

Riku: Hell yeah.

Sora: Riku, you could get in trouble for carrying that!

Riku: Psh, yeah right. Wanna try some?

Sora: I dunno…

Riku: You'll like it. It makes everything seem so…connected, y'know?

Sora: Riku…you know this is a Disney game, right?

Riku: Oh, right. Okay, I'll just make up some shit about it intertwining peoples' destinies.

Sora: Cool.

Sora and Riku eat some.

Riku: Ohhhhhh man, this is some good shit. Heheh, isn't Kairi hot? Damn I'd like to get in that girl's-

Sora: Whoa. Riku. Whoa. You know what? I just realized something.

Riku: Shit, really? What?

Sora: You know what, Riku? You have the same name as some FFX chick.

Riku: Oh shit! You're right! What the fuck!

Disney game designer: CUT TO THE DAMN DISNEY CASTLE!

INT: Disney Castle

The Mickey Mouse Club theme plays as Donald marches into the throne room.

Donald: Good morning, Your Majesty! The chipmunks are rebelling over last night's massacre of their women and children. Should I have them hung, or drawn and quartered, or-

Donald finally notices the throne room is empty.

Donald: #&@%#^&^%$%%#^&@$@!!!!!!!

Disney game designers: Now Donald, this is exactly what we spent those weeks in therapy for-

Donald: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! *dashes out of throne room*

Disney game designers: Well, that's a good way to release tension, but-

Donald fries the first thing he sees, which happens to be Goofy.

Disney game designers: Why didn't we hire Stitch for this gig?

EXT: Destiny Island

Kairi: Another testosterone duel?

Riku: Just judge the race, all right?

Sora: If I win I get to be captain, savvy? Drink up me hearties, yo ho…

Riku: And if I win I get to share the paopu with Kairi.

Sora: Huh?

Riku: That shit'll get her so high, she'll do anything I want.

Sora: HEY!

Kairi: Yeah, that sounds good. Go!

Riku beats Sora easily.

Riku: Can you believe this guy is gonna kick my ass in Hollow Ba-

Kairi: RIKU! Have you been reading ahead in the script again?

Riku: Um…hey, look, a mushroom!

Kairi: That reminds me. Go get more supplies, bitches.

INT: Secret Place

Sora looks at his and Kairi's old drawings on the walls of the cave.

Sora: Why the hell did I draw Kairi with horns?

Hooded Man: Because you have no talent.

Sora: WHOA! Who the fuck are you?!

Hooded Man: I've come to see the door to this world.

Sora: Huh?

Hooded Man: This world has been connected.

Sora: Guh?

Hooded Man: Tied to the darkness…soon to be completely eclipsed.

Sora: Wha?

Hooded Man: You do not yet know what lies beyond the door.

Sora: Fuh?

Hooded Man: There is so very much to learn. You understand so little.

Sora: Hey, didn't you play that bastard in Titanic?

Hooded Man: A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing.

Sora: No, seriously. You tried to shoot Leonardo DiCaprio, right? And you couldn't get any from Kate Winslet.

Hooded Man: Frigid bitch.

Sora: I KNEW IT!!

INT: Disney Castle

Donald, Goofy, Minnie, and Daisy read a letter from Mickey.

Mickey's letter: Sorry to rush off without saying goodbye, but there's trouble brewing. There's this dumbass kid with hair that looks like a cross between Cloud's and Tai's from Digimon, and he happens to hold the "key" (coughhintcough) to saving the universe. Don't let him screw it up. Oh, and if you can manage to get Leon from Traverse Town to stop brooding for five seconds, he might be useful. PS: Tell Minnie to boil the chipmunks alive in a vat of oil.

Minnie: Got it.

Donald: You know what this means?

Goofy: ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Daisy: Right…anyway, to keep you boys from getting arrested we'll be sending this little bugger along. Jiminy? Where'd you go?

Donald blinks and raises a foot. Jiminy is splattered on the bottom.

Donald: Oops.

Daisy: See, Donald, this is why we can't have nice things.

INT: Launch bay.

Minnie holds up a squealing Chip.

Minnie: Launch the gummi ship or your lover gets it.

Dale: DON'T HURT MY BITCH!!!!

Dale begins the launch sequence. The stupidest, clunkiest, most ugly ship ever takes off.

Squeenix game designers: Say, players, did you know you can design your own gummi ship later in the game? Try building one that travels over five mph! It's a challenge!

Players: Shut up and give me Sephiroth.

EXT: Destiny Island: A dark and stormy night

Sora: Oh no, a storm!! Our raft will fall apart, which is probably a good thing as we'd obviously be screwed if we actually went out to sea!

Sora sees Riku standing in a pool of darkness.

Sora: Wow, Riku, you look oddly sexy.

Riku: It's the bad boy thing. By the way, the door opened.

Sora: What door?

Riku: The one you'll hear about a billion times before the end of the game.

Sora: Oh. Where's Kairi?

Riku: Uh…I think she went on ahead. Anyway, let's just step into this well of eternal darkness here, nothing to be afraid of.

Sora: Um…I don't want to.

Riku: You wuss.

Sora: I am not!

Riku: Chicken! Brk brk brk!

Sora: Um, Riku, the darkness is kind of devouring you…

Riku: Brk brk brk-hey, who turned out the lights?

Riku disappears. A large key drops on Sora's head.

Sora: OW! WHO DID THAT?

Mysterious floating words: Oh hey, Sora! Sorry about that. (mysteriously) Keyblade…Keyblade…

Sora: Um, okay…so this thing's a Keyblade?

MFW: No, jackass, it's a spatula. Now go play with the shadow thingies.

Sora: EEEEEEEEEK! SPIDERS!!

Sora fends off shadow thingies with his Keyblade, then Darkside appears.

Sora: Oh, hey, I know you. Um…let's be friends?

Darkside: Grr.

Sora: Crap.

Sora whups Darkside's ass with NEWFOUND JUMPING TALENT. Then he gets sucked into a black hole.

Sora: WHY DOES MY LIFE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!

MFW: It's clearly destiny!

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Next installment: Donald and Goofy search for that elusive key and it's a fangirl's wet dream come true when Sora is kidnapped and dragged to a hotel room by a mysterious stranger with David Boreanaz's voice. No fangirls were harmed in the making of this fiction. See you next time!