Fan Fiction ❯ Let it Go ❯ Chapter 1

It was raining. It always seemed to rain whenever something bad happened. The X-Men stood around the freshly dug grave as the white casket was lowered into the earth. The Gen-X team stood in the front, most of them anyway. Jubilee was fighting back bitter tears and even Monet looked as though she might cry. Ange stood with his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground in shock. Everett had his hand on Jubilee's shoulder, trying to comfort her.

Far away from the others stood a solitary figure in a long black trench coat, leaning against a tree, arms folded. His thick hair was plastered to his forehead and dripping in his eyes as he watched the group. When they departed, he remained. He waited until the last black-clothed mourner was out of sight before he slowly made his way over to the grave.

Kneeling down in front of the stone, he placed a rose on the ground. He clasped his hands in front of him and stared at the name.

*Damnit gel, why'd you go and leave me here?* Jonothon asked the grave that marked Paige Guthrie's body.

Out of all the Gen-X members, who'd have predicted that Paige Guthrie would have been the first to fall? Strong, determined, reliable Paige. Always achieving. And look where it got her.

They had been in battle against a new enemy. A psychotic master of telepathy, hypnosis, and mind-warping that called himself Satan's Own. What his purpose for the Gen-X was, they never learned. They'd killed him too soon. But not before he'd taken one of their own.

The battle had been primarily that of Jubilee, Jono, and Monet, all three of whom were telepath enough to keep him at bay. Through an ingenious combination of Jubilee and Jono's powers, they'd stunned the man, rendering him unconscious. Angelo had immediately wrapped his rubbery hands around him, keeping him tied up. The others were triumphant in their victory.

Paige had husked off her stone form and Jono had wrapped his trenchcoat around her naked body. They'd embraced briefly before Paige had turned to say something to Jubilee.

None of them had realized their enemy had woken up. None of them even guessed that he had one more trick up his sleeve. Angelo saw him move a single finger, just one, and a red light had shot out of him. Ange flung himself backwards as a jolt ran through his body. The man had raised his hands and a terrific amount of red light had flashed towards them.

It caught Paige in the back. Jono reached out to catch her but she had already fallen. He faced the man and let off the most energy he'd ever done since his powers had first manifested, all concentrated on him. There had been nothing left of Satan's Own but for a small pile of ash.

He'd turned to wake up Paige, but it was too late… Too late….

Jonothon hung his rain-soaked head, the water dripping down his face, mingling with the tears he had refused to release until now. He dug his hands into the wet soil, clenching fists of it. *Why, Paige? Why?*

He slowly slid a knife from his pocket, caressing its blade in an almost tender way. He ran his finger along the edge, slicing his skin open. No blood. Not a single drop. He had no circulation, after all.

"Plannin' on killin' yourself, Sparky?" Jono froze. "Gonna make your grave next to hers?" Jubilee stood behind him, her arms folded over her chest, her black hair clinging to her face.

*Sod off, Jubes,* he grumbled.

She crouched down next to him, looking him intently in the face. He couldn't stand to look into her eyes. "Pretty knife. Where'd ya get it?" she asked him quietly.

He laughed shortly. *Does it matter? It won't work. I have no heart to pierce it through.*

Jubilee's arms wrapped around her knees as she stayed in her squatting position. "Somehow I get the feeling ya mean that in more ways than one," she said softly. She reached up to brush a wet strand of hair back across her face, clearing her vision. She fought the impulse to do to the same for him.

*She took it with her, Jubes. She took my heart with her to the grave.*

"Now we can't have that," Jubilee scolded lightly. "Maybe if ya asked real politely, she'll let ya have it back."

Jonothon stood up so abruptly that she fell back, the wet earth immediately soaking through her clothes. She didn't notice, her eyes were on Jono, who was glaring fiercely at her. *Why do you mock my pain?* he demanded.

She picked herself carefully up off the ground and began trying to wipe the mud off from her pants. She responded without looking at him. "Because it's the only way I can hide mine."

*You think that's an excuse?* Jono asked her. *You don't know how much this hurts.*

Her eyes blazed as she looked up at him. "You think I don't? She was my friend too, Starsmore! I loved

her too!"

*Not in the same way,* he muttered.

"Oh, like, big deal, I didn't have sex with her," she said with a roll of her eyes.

His hand gripped around his knife. Most people would have backed down a long time ago out of fear at the sight of Jonothon, wrapped in leather, his eyes angry and intense. But not Jubilee. Never Jubilee. *Neither did I.*

"Whatever, you so wanted to," she said impatiently. "The point is, they were two different kinds of love, but that doesn't mean that either of 'em were any less strong."

*Then why aren't you feeling this way?* he asked bitterly.

"You think I'm not? Shit, Jono, you've no idea what I'm hiding underneath all this brave exterior. I'm feelin' just as hopeless and scared as you are."

He shook his head slowly, his hair still dripping in his eyes. *I let her down,* he said. *I should have killed him right away.*

The small Asian girl nodded. "I know how ya feel. I was there, remember? It was both of us that didn't kill him. And… God, Jono, you didn't see her face." He looked up in alarm at the sound of her voice breaking. "She was looking right at me. And I swear…. she looked so betrayed. So shocked. And I knew that it was my fault!" she cried, bursting into tears. She covered her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking with her sobs.

Jono stood where he was, looking at her in shock. Realizing that Jubilee was like a mirror of his own soul. The knife had dropped from his hands, but he didn't even realize it. *Jubilee… Don't cry. Please don't cry,* he pleaded.

Her hands shook as she struggled to wipe away her tears, the rain still pouring over her face. "I can't help it. It's gotta be somethin'. If I don't cry, I make fun of you. If I don't do that, I scream. If I don't do that, I lose my mind," she whispered hoarsely, staring at the ground.

*That's why I'd rather die and have done with it,* he said glumly.

Jerking her head up to look at him, she narrowed her eyes. "So do it."

*I would,* he said threateningly. *Soon as I figure out how, I'm dead and gone.*

"You wouldn't," Jubilee said smugly.

*Want to make a bet?* he asked fiercely.

"You won't," she repeated. "Because you're scared." He snorted. "Not scared of dying, nothin' like that. Scared of what happens next. Scared nobody'll stand over your grave like we're doing for Paige. You're scared nobody will care, nobody will remember you."

He turned his back on her. *Whatever you say, luv.*

"You're not denying it," she pointed out.

*I don't need to prove anything to you,* he said furiously. *Is this some sort of game for you? Seeing how far you can push me to the edge?*

"It's not a game, Jono," she said softly. "I'm just trying to understand you."

*Yeah? Well, quit trying. You're only making it worse.* He ran a hand through his wet hair, pushing it back, clearing his vision at last. *Damnit, Jubes, I never thought a bloke could hurt this bad.*

"Doesn't feel too good, does it?" Jubilee asked softly. "People dying, and you feeling there's nothin' you can do to make it up to them. The sting is buried way down deep, and you're always covering it up. But some days, all that effort is waste, cuz it just comes back hurtin' real bad."

*So what do you suggest?*

"Don't try to cover it up," she said simply. "Let yourself feel the pain, and then let it go. It's hard, but sometimes you just have to."

*You're not doing that,* he said accusingly.

Jubilee gave him a sad smile. "I've never been one to take advice. Not even my own."

They stood in silence for awhile, shivering slightly in the rain, but neither making any plans to leave just yet. Jono stuck his hands in his trenchcoat pockets, looking around awkwardly. Jubilee stared at Paige's name intently.

*What did you come back here for anyway?* Jono asked her.

"I saw you over here. Told Ev I forgot somethin' and came up here to see whatcha were up to."

*Mm.*

Again silence took over them. Jonothon looked at the knife he had dropped while Jubilee studied his face. The knife was muddy and rain-covered, looking dull in the gloomy atmosphere. Jonothon's face was pale and angst-ridden.

*It still hurts,* he said after awhile.

"It will. It always will. But eventually it won't hurt as much." She shrugged. "I suppose the pain goes hand in hand with the love. And it's just proving how much you love her that you feel this way," she pointed out. "It's nothing to feel ashamed of."

He closed his eyes and nodded. She looped her arm through his. "Now, let's go. Before we catch cold."

The corners of his mouth twitched. Jonothon couldn't catch cold, and she knew that. But he allowed her to lead him away, in spite of that, back to the mansion. The knife was left behind, long forgotten.

***

Ten years later Jonothon, Jubilee, Everett, and Angelo were standing around her grave. They were all smiling, even Jono, who had by now learned to regenerate his face. Angelo was reminiscing with a grin.

"Yeah, and the time you blew up the dorms because the chica gave you a kiss," he was saying.

"I don't think any of us will forget that one," Jubilee said with a laugh.

Jonothon chuckled. They'd been standing around and talking about Paige for the last ten minutes or so, the same way they've done every year since her death. The friends saw each other on a regular basis, even though they no longer lived in the same area, they made sure to keep in close contact.

Jubilee kissed Everett on the cheek. "Come on, sweetie, we better go make sure the kids haven't destroyed the house while playing horsey with Wolvie," she said with a grin. Ev smiled and wrapped his arm around his wife, leading her away.

"Hey, Ange, you comin'?" Jubilee asked, pausing to turn around. "C'mon, I'm gonna make some chocolate chip cookies."

Angelo clapped Jonothon on the shoulder. "Later, amigo. Duty calls. Coming, Jubecita!" He followed them and Jonothon laughed lightly as he heard Jubilee grumble something about him still calling her that.

Now that he was alone, he bent down in front of the grave, sending Jubilee a mental thank you for giving him some time. *No prob,* came her response. The Brit smiled and pulled out the head of a rose from the pocket of his trench coat, laying it on the ground and patting the grass gently.

"Hey Sunshine," he said softly. "I'm here to say a few words… I know I've been visiting you every month, but I'm going to stop now. I'll always visit on this day, but that's going to be it, luv. Things have changed. Time went by. I've healed, and I don't need this anymore to feel sane."

He paused, his eyes scanning over her grave, catching on her name. "A few months ago, I asked you for my heart back, like Jubilee told me to do a long time ago. I had a reason for that, Paige. I'm getting married. Her name is Grace. She's human, but she knows what I am, and she loves me for it." He paused. "If we ever have a baby girl, we're going to name her Paige, after you. She knows about you. She wanted to come here with me today, but I told her not yet. I wasn't ready. Maybe next year." He sighed heavily. "She's my world, like you once were. She helped me overcome your death like you once helped me overcome my depression."

He kissed his hand and pressed it to her grave stone. "I'll always hold you in my heart," he said, standing up and clasping his hands behind his back. "Goodbye, luv." He turned around and walked away, his trench coat whipping around his legs, the same one he's worn for years. He paused several yards away from her grave and slipped the coat off his shoulders. He laid it carefully over his arm and continued to walk firmly away.

Sometimes you just have to let it go.