Fan Fiction ❯ Little Red Raven ❯ One-Shot

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Summary: On the way to pay tribute to her father, a demon princess makes four strange friends. But will she keep them, or feed them to Trigon?

WARNING: This story makes casual (and therefore crude) references to dismemberment, thievery, blood corruption, lying, dirty thoughts/words, blood consumption, furry food, demons eating people, homicide, unpleasant odors, ransom, fornication, sluts, and just being plain mean for no real reason. It is not meant to be taken seriously, and so it should not be.


Little Red Raven: A Dark Fairy Tale
By Nate Grey (XMAN0123@aol.com)


Once upon a time, in a land called Demons Deep, there was a young but unlikely princess named Raven. Unlike most princesses she knew of (for knowing would imply that she had actually met them), Raven did not wear fancy dresses or crowns. She much preferred her simple robes and cloaks, all of which were a blood red color. This was partially because of her four crimson eyes. While wearing a hood, only two of them were visible, and people tended not to scream...as much.

Of course, if any of that seemed strange, Raven could hardly be blamed. She was the daughter of Trigon the Terrible, a ruthlessly evil demon king. Aside from her demon blood, Raven also inherited a certain penchant for evil. The odd thing was that Raven's mother had been a human, and a rather nice one, from all reports. As such, even Raven was prone to sudden but brief fits of kindness. She was always quite irritable afterwards, but she could not deny the gifts of her parents.

Unlike her mother, though, Raven's father demanded regular payment for his gift. And so, every year on the thirty-first night of Bloodmoon, Raven journeyed to her father's castle to pay tribute to him. He was never really picky about what she gave him, so long as it kicked and screamed on its way down his monstrous throat. This year, Raven planned to sacrifice two of her old boyfriends, Sir Speedy and Fang of the Forgotten Race. Both of them had lived hard lives, and Raven had convinced them that Trigon rarely ever needed to chew his food. She wisely did not mention that he often chewed solely to extend the torment of his victims.

So on that pre-determined day known as Etrigan's Harvest (for this was the day a certain demon finally got his revenge on his former love and her bratty son), Raven set out from her modest dwelling, with Speedy and Fang behind her (in chains, as was the custom for tributes).
Raven was not in a particularly good or bad mood just then, but all the same it is almost never a good idea to encounter a demon princess.

Raven's party hadn't gotten far when they came across a thief with a large sack full of stolen goods. They all traded wary looks, and for good reason. The thief, because he thought his newly acquired wealth was in jeopardy, and Raven because thieves tended to do desperate but mildly amusing things when they were cornered.

"Hello there," Raven said in her most pleasant voice. (It should be noted, however, that all of Raven's voices sounded threatening at the least, and pants-wetting terrifying at the most) "I am a demon princess on my way to pay tribute. Who might you be?"

"I am Robbin' Hood," said the thief, although he wore no hood, but a rather fantastic pair of green tights and a little yellow cape. "I steal from the bad and give to the good. Are you a bad demon princess, or a good one?"

That was a loaded question if Raven had ever heard one, so she did some quick thinking in her head, for she was very intelligent, possessing three PhDs: one in Unimaginable Torture, one in Horrific Homicide, and the last in Demon Draughts. She had heard of Robbin' Hood, and was actually a fan of his work. As such, she didn't want to have to harm him. On the other hand, if she told him the truth, he might want to steal her tribute, and then she really WOULD have to harm him.

"I am a good demon princess, of course," Raven replied. "I am ridding the world of two evil men." She pointed at Speedy. "This one is guilty of breaking a young girl's heart, fornicating with a demoness, and refusing to pay child support for her spawn." Next, she pointed at Fang. "And this one is guilty of breaking a young girl's heart, fornicating with a succubus, and forgetting to clean up after himself."

"They must be evil, then," Robbin' Hood concluded. "Maybe I should go with you, to make sure they don't try to escape and undo your good deed, princess."

Raven knew very well neither of her tributes would try to escape. But before she could speak, her left eye twitched, as it always did when she felt a surge of her mother's goodness coming on. "I would like that very much, good sir," she said in a sickeningly sweet (but still kinda scary) voice. "You can entertain me with tales of your narrow escapes."

So Robbin' Hood fell in step with Raven, and began to regale her with his adventures. He did not notice her mood darkening, even when she only responded with grunts and growls. For Raven was quite upset with herself. She had a nasty habit of dismembering her friends (which explained why she currently had none), and did not want to be tempted to dismember Robbin' Hood. But he seemed to be ignoring the murderous look in her eyes as they journeyed on.

Presently, they came upon a gigantic beanstalk that stretched up into the clouds. Robbin' Hood only needed to glance at the beanstalk to know that it was the product of magic beans, which had to be soaked in llama saliva to retain their magical auras. Raven decided that Robbin' Hood was a fountain of mildly interesting but otherwise pointless knowledge, and the urge to dismember him grew even greater in her mind.

Suddenly, there was a loud cry from above them, and a little imp in green scurried down the beanstalk. There was a golden, oversized computer chip under his tiny arm. He snarled at the travelers, and then scurried off as fast as his shrunken legs would carry him.

Immediately afterwards, a silvery, gleaming giant fell out of the sky and crashed to the ground.

"HEY!" the giant said in a booming voice. "YOU GUYS SEEN A LITTLE SHRIMP WITH A GOLDEN CHIP THAT SAYS 'FERAL FANTASY XII' ON IT? I DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO PLAY BEFORE THAT LIL' BOOGER STOLE IT!"

Robbin' Hood kept his mouth shut, because according to the Code of Thieves, one thief could never betray another (unless said thief had stolen from a thief, and in that case, all bets were off).

Raven was under no such obligations, and the more people she had around her, the less likely she'd be forced to dismember Robbin' Hood. "We have not seen him, Mister Giant. But if you join us, we will help you look for your stolen chip."

"REALLY?" the giant asked in surprise. "WELL, HEY, Y'ALL ALRIGHT WITH ME, THEN! NAME'S CY-BIG, CUZ I'M A CYBERNETIC GIANT. AND YOU MUST BE THE NICEST LITTLE DEMON PRINCESS I'VE EVER MET!" (Cy-Big knew this because one of his eyes had Species ID installed, and he could see anyone's origins instantly, provided he squinted)

"Why, thank you, Cy-Big. I am Crow Girl, this is Mighty Mask, and we are famous superheroes. These are two prisoners we are transporting."

Robbin' Hood had no problem with this lie, because he suspected Cy-Big wouldn't be happy if he found out that he was traveling with a thief.

So Cy-Big joined the group, never knowing that he was in great danger of being dismembered (or at least disassembled, since many of his parts were detachable anyway). He was generally quite jovial, even introducing them to a game he'd invented called Rankball (which involved drying out fresh lizard innards for hours until they made you nauseous).

Now, the journey to Trigon's castle was a long one, and soon the group found itself becoming thirsty and hungry. And Raven, smart as she was, saw this a perfect opportunity.

"I'm afraid I don't have anything to eat," she said. "But I do happen to have some grape juice, which I would be most willing to share."

(Now I sincerely hope, Dear Reader, that you are not gullible enough to believe that ANY demon princess, even a good one, is in the habit of carrying around grape juice, and especially not one who has a PhD in Demon Draughts. No, Fair Reader, the concoction that Raven offered her newfound companions was in fact a weakened form of demon blood. In small, regular doses, such a monstrous mixture would slowly but surely corrupt the drinkers and transform them into demonic fiends, fit for nothing more than causing chaos and serving demon royalty...a princess, for example. One like Raven, to be specific.)

And so, after a hearty helping of demon blood, the travelers journeyed on, each of them feeling that Raven was indeed a worthy hostess and an all-around nice person to accompany on long trips (Speedy and Fang knew better, of course).

After a few more hours of journeying, the group came upon a house that looked an awful lot like a blue, furry cheesecake. The very sight of it made them want to retch, but the aroma coming from inside it was quite mouth-watering, so they marched up to the front door and knocked.

The door was flung open at once. "WELCOME, MY LITTLE FRIENDS!" cried the rosy-cheeked, orange-skinned woman in black that appeared. Her smile dimmed a bit when she noticed that Raven and her companions were not children. "But...you are not sweet-devouring children. Why have you come to my house of blue cheese and cake, then?"

"We are hungry travelers," Raven answered, "and your house looked so tasty that we had to stop and admire it."

The woman beamed. "Splendid! Then you are all invited to have lunch with me!"

She eagerly shoved them all inside, and proceeded to serve them the oddest sweets that any of them had ever seen. Most were covered in the blue fur, while others bore green or white fur. Raven had Speedy and Fang serve as their taste testers, and anything they didn't immediately vomit back up was deemed perfectly edible.

After the somewhat precarious meal, Raven gave the kindly woman the superhero story. "And what is it that you do here, in your house of blue cheesecake?" she asked.

The woman smiled. "My name is Starwitch, and all day long, I bake sweets to give to hungry homeless children. You are the first visitors I have had in a very long time, but I cannot imagine why."

"Well, my father is a king, and he could use a chef of your talents. If you come along with us to his castle, I'll put in a good word for you, and maybe we can get you a position."

"Oh, I have no need for money," Starwitch replied. "My sister sends me all the money I could ever need. All I have to do is stay in my house and make sweets."

Raven strongly suspected Starwitch's sister was actually paying her to keep the horrid sweets as far away as possible.

"Please come with us, Starwitch. My father has a sweet tooth, and if you help him satisfy it, I am sure he could find some way to reward you. Maybe he could even help you set up a catering service, so that you could feed even larger groups of children, and at a fraction of the usual price."

"Oh, that is a wonderful offer!" Starwitch cried happily. "Yes, I will come with you!"

In truth, Raven knew that Trigon had long been seeking a Torture Master for interrogations. She had no doubt that Starwitch's sweets would loosen some mouths (and probably some bowels).

So after packing up several sweets for Trigon to sample, Starwitch excitedly joined the group. She would not, however, leave her house until she'd left a note on the door, saying she was out to lunch indefinitely. She also left a rather large platter of sweets on her doorstep, in case any hungry children came by while she was away. Raven suspected that the only way the food would be gone upon Starwitch's return was if it somehow rotted away to nothingness.

Raven noticed right away that Starwitch had an interesting effect on the rest of the group. Robbin' Hood began to share his useless facts only with Starwitch, who was fascinated by what she considered his vast stores of knowledge. Raven was jealous...or she might've been, if she hadn't been so relieved that she'd never have to listen to Robbin' Hood again. Cy-Big was inspired by Starwitch's love of baking, and converted his right arm to a vegetable slicer/blender. After he made a few nutritious (but demon blood-sprinkled) milkshakes for everyone, Raven found herself actively trying to forget about wanting to dismember him. She still didn't quite like Starwitch, but considering the morale boost she brought to the group, it would've been silly to kill her just then.

So Raven led her group onward to Trigon's castle, which soon began to loom in the distance. It was just as creepy and foreboding as she remembered it, but there was one thing she didn't remember: someone had put up a toll booth in front of the drawbridge, and the cost was a whole gold piece per party member.

Robbin' Hood graciously offered to pay for everyone, but only after Starwitch admitted to having no money on her. In the end, it didn't matter: the toll both/drawbridge operator was missing, they couldn't get into the castle without him, and there was no indication of when or if he would return.

Raven was rather miffed about being made to wait (she was a princess, after all), and so she telepathically contacted her father.

"Daddy, your toll booth/drawbridge operator has gone missing, and we can't get into the castle. Can you send someone to let us in?"

What she got in reply was not quite what she'd been hoping for.

"Actually, sweetness, Daddy's a bit busy. And the toll operator isn't missing, he's disgruntled. In fact, he's holding three of my best entertainers hostage. Be a dear and sort that out for me, would you? Just don't kill him, I'd like to do that personally."

Raven explained the situation to her companions, and they all agreed to help her out, since she'd been so good to them (plus the demon blood was really taking effect now). So they all set out for the toll operator's home, which turned out to be a small, sturdy brick house not too far from the castle.

Right away, Raven knew there'd be trouble. There seemed to be spots of saliva dripping from a few bricks, almost as if someone had been doing some serious huffing and/or puffing. Robbin' Hood confirmed that it was indeed wolf saliva, and that the house belonged to one Beastly B. Oy (apparently Robbin' Hood had paid an after-hours visit to the Oy residence not too long ago).

Starwitch wanted to lure Beastly out with some of her sweets, but Raven pointed out that wolves preferred flesh to sweets, after which she tossed Cy-Big's Rankball through a closed window.

Seconds later, a tall, green wolf charged out, his eyes flashing angrily as he held up the Rankball.

"Who came up with this?!" he demanded.

Cy-Big raised his hand.

"DUDE! You totally stole Buttnastyball from me!!!"

"WHAT?! YOU STOLE RANKBALL FROM ME!"

Raven interrupted them. "Why are you holding those three entertainers hostage?"

"I'll TELL you why! Trigon canceled my show! I used to be the best comedian around for miles, and then he kicked me off the air for no reason! Then he made me a toll operator, so everyone could come by and say, 'Hey, didn't you USED to be on TV?' Well, I've had it! The girls don't go free until I get my show back!"

Raven considered the matter for a moment. "Well, I can't give you your show back, but I can get you an audience with my father. Then you can plead your case. But only if you let the entertainers go first."

"I shouldn't have to plead my case! He stole my show!"

"Considering what he usually does to people he doesn't like, you got off pretty good," Raven pointed out.

Having worked for Trigon for quite a while, Beastly had to admit she was right. He went back inside, and returned a few minutes later parading three beautiful, tied-up maidens in skimpy clothing.

"You forced them to wear these scraps of clothing?" Starwitch asked in horror.

Beastly gave her a blank stare.

"Uh, actually, these are our work clothes," the lead maiden replied.

"But how can you entertain, when you must be freezing in those!" Starwitch insisted, picking at one of the scraps and gasping when it easily came off in her hand.
"I'm so sorry!!!"

"Uh...no biggie," the maiden replied, not seeming at all concerned. "Trust me, the outfit's the least important aspect in our line of work. We hardly use them at all."

From the confused look on Starwitch's face, she was the only one present that had yet to realize just what Trigon might consider entertainment.

"Anyway," the lead maiden said, "I'm Jynx, that's Terra and Kitten," she continued, nodding at her fellow maidens. "We're...ah..."

"Slu-" Kitty began to say.

"Reproductive engineers!" Terra blurted out.

That one got more than a few looks.

"We make sure that everyone in the castle is able to reproduce," Terra explained slowly.

"You are...nurses?" Starwitch asked after a few seconds.

Kitten shook her head in annoyance, but Jynx cut her off.

"Yes. SPECIAL nurses, is what we are. And we'd better get back pretty soon. Trigon hates it when we're, uh, late."

"No problem," Raven said. With a mere flick of her wrist, she teleported them all into Trigon's throne room.

"...why didn't you just do that earlier, instead of trying to cross the drawbridge?" Robbin' Hood asked.

Raven gave him a surprisingly patient look. "You're not supposed to enter a castle without being announced. It's common courtesy. Anyway, this time was an emergency. I'm almost late with the tribute and Daddy needs his...nurses."

Robbin' Hood accepted that. He wasn't used to being announced when he went places, because that usually meant that the jig was up.

With a huge blast of black smoke, Trigon appeared on his throne. He was muscular, red, and over twenty feet tall. The only thing he wore were gauntlets and a loincloth, which didn't do much good, since everyone had to look up at him, anyway. As it was, most of the males turned away in disgust or just plain fear.

"Ah, there you are, dearest," Trigon said, striding forward to chuck Raven under the chin. Of course, since his finger was easily twice the size of her head, this sent her flying into Cy-Big, who was fortunately quite durable.

"Hi, Daddy," Raven said a little dizzily. "I brought you the tribute, an applicant for that position you wanted filled, the toll operator, and your special nurses."

"...oh, you mean the sluts?" Trigon asked rather casually.

"Yes, them," Raven said quickly, thankful that Robbin' Hood had covered Starwitch's eyes and Cy-Big her ears. Then she wondered why she even cared how Starwitch felt. She STILL didn't like her.

"Well, who are the rest of them?" Trigon asked.

Raven could've easily included the rest of her companions with the tribute (and in fact, the thought had crossed her mind several times). That would rid her of all her problems, and then she could go back to her modest dwelling, drink some demon blood, and go to bed. But she found herself wondering things. Where would Robbin' Hood go to steal next? Would Cy-Big ever find the lil' booger who stole his chip? Would Starwitch ever learn to make a decent dessert? And would poor Beastly get his show back?

And then her left eye twitched, and the choice was made, more by her mother's goodness than Raven herself.

"Oh, they're with me," she said.

Trigon shrugged. "Fine. Leave the sluts, the tribute, the applicant, the toll operator, and get out. See you in a year, hon."

"There's just one more thing, Daddy," Raven added.

Trigon paused, not used to not being obeyed immediately. "Yes?"

"I want to dismember the toll operator. Can I?"

"I suppose," Trigon sighed.

"Thanks," Raven said, smiling sweetly, and then there was blood, and lots of it.

A few days later, Raven found herself at home, eating horrible sweets with only some of her companions.

She had left Speedy and Fang in the hands of the sluts, figuring that as long as they didn't need to be faithful to one woman, they'd both be fine. She did not miss any of them at all.

Beastly had gotten his show back, but the first show turned out to be the last one. His heart just wasn't in it anymore (not after a celebratory dinner with some demon blood thrown in, anyway), and he eventually came to serve Raven in her modest dwelling. Raven learned that Trigon had first canceled the show out of sheer boredom (of the show).

Starwitch had also come to serve Raven, and quite soon found herself pregnant. No one was surprised, save Starwitch, but she was also immensely pleased, knowing she would soon have her own personal taste testers. A pair of them, from all indications. And while she now moved around Raven's modest dwelling barefoot and noticeably slower, no one seemed to mind much, so long as she kept making slightly edible sweets. Raven had also discovered that Trigon had somehow managed to steal the poor woman's taste buds at birth, but had yet to locate them.

Cy-Big eventually found the lil' booger that stole his chip, and was surprised to learn that he was in Trigon's employ. Raven had no comment on this, but impressed with Cy-Big's sense of justice, she made him security chief of her modest dwelling. He soon designed the first and only home security system made up entirely of a million Rankballs and rubber bands.

Robbin' Hood continued to steal from the bad, but he now called them the worst, and he gave to no one but Raven and Starwitch (his demon mistress/princess and little woman, respectively). He made several small fortunes, which was good, because after that first set of twins, Starwitch was regularly pregnant until Raven put her foot down and demanded they stop making babies before there was no more room left in her modest dwelling for brooding on Sundays.

Raven found that her life had changed quite a bit. After dismembering her father (and she swore, to this very day, that she had mistaken him for the toll operator), she had turned the castle over to the sluts, who she felt had more than earned it in their years of service. She felt little remorse for doing so; the sluts were of the opinion that all was right with the world, so long as everyone got sex regularly. Very few of their subjects disagreed with this outlook. Raven didn't feel bad about her father, either. While he was usually fairly nice to her, she had seen him often in fits of rage, and seen firsthand how cruel he was, and she didn't really miss him all that much. All of her friends seemed to appreciate her getting rid of him, and found ways to show her so nearly every day, and so the urge to dismember any of them faded and was eventually forgotten completely.

THE END.


Endnotes:
Speedy (a.k.a. Arsenal) did in fact have a relationship with both Raven and some evil woman, I forget her name, but she wore green a lot. I'm almost certain she had a kid, too, so I barely even had to exaggerate.

You just knew I'd find some way to get Fang and Kitten together, didn't you? As for why Raven would ever date him, well, she IS half demon. If a totally human girl like Kitten can kiss him, I see no reason why a half-demon girl with four eyes can't (especially since Fang has at least that many).

Yes, I borrowed from Little Red Riding Hood, Robin Hood, Hansel & Gretel, and The Three Little Pigs to make this story. Did you notice?

It IS possible to be a demon mistress without any sex being involved, but I imagine it's also highly unlikely. Take that how you will...

If you had to look up any of those words in the WARNING, you probably shouldn't have read this. Shame. On. You.

The little imp that stole Cy-Big's chip was in fact Gizmo, and the game itself was in fact a rip off of Final Fantasy.

Rankball and Buttnastyball are NOT rip-offs of Stankball. You think someone can't just make this stuff up?!...