Fan Fiction ❯ Metal Gear Zeal ❯ Watch Out For Snakes! ( Chapter 1 )

Chapter 1- Watch out for snakes!

It was a hot summer day. The kind of day you wished you were at home resting, relaxing, or just chilling out in a nice room with an air conditioner. It's also the kind of day some asshole you work for sends you out in the middle of the friggin' jungle. But that's beside the point. Our story takes place in some random South American jungle you usually hear about on the news when there's a drug bust, and the morons at ABC find it "breaking". Two soliders are walking down a dirt path (a pretty crappy one if I do say so myself), talking about random things.

Solider A: (Do you actually think I would name some unimportant character?) So, when she spread her legs, I said "Man that's a big pussy! Man that's a big pussy!" My girlfriend then asked "Why did you say it twice?" and I said, "I didn't."

Solider B: HAHAHA! That's some great shit man.

Solider A: Of Course its great shit! I'm a fuckin' comedic genius!

Since they are being all loud and bothersome-like, they fail to notice the movement above them. Before they realize anything, a man wearing a sexy, skin-tight [I'm not gay, damn it! I swear! Are you denying it?! HUH?! Let's arm wrestle! I'm the alpha male! ALPHA MALE!] sneaking suit jumps down from the trees, landing on one of the soldiers, which ends up either knocking him unconscious or killing him. I'm too lazy to decide which. He then breaks the other soldier's neck. He stares down the road and sees what appears to be a cave. Oh, and of course, the only man cool, skillful, and sexy-as-butter enough to do such a thing is none other than Solid Snake. He stares at the cave.

Snake: So. This is the enemy base? A cave. Pretty gay cave if you ask me. What the hell. You didn't.

He gets in the "codec crouch", (You know, where Snake gets in that crouch to use his codec. Why is it he crouches? Is it because he does not want to be seen? Is it because that's the only way the codec works? Or is it because he is too fuckin' lazy to stand up? Only God and Solid Snake know, and because of that there will be no way in hell we'll ever find out why. Anyway!) and dials the frequency on what ever the fuck he dials on. It does the lil beep beep noise and.

China Man: 'Ello! Dis is Ming's Chinese food! 'Ow may I be of service to you!

Snake: What the?!

China Man: 'Ello?

Snake: Who the hell are you?

China Man: What you want order?

Snake: Shit! I dialed the wrong number! Damn this little dialing thingy!

China Man: 'ELLO?!

Snake abruptly hangs up and dials the correct number. All he gets is a busy signal.

Snake: What the hell? How can Otacon's codec be busy?

Well, the most educated guess is that Otacon is having phone sex over the codec. With who? How the hell should I know.

Snake: Damnit!

Some time later, we see another man, in a skull suit though, sneaking through the jungle. He more looks like he is some beach boy bimbo rather than some hard ass military dude, mainly due to the fact he looks like a girl, and he has light blond hair down to his shoulders. And that only means one thing. For some reason, Raiden was sent here. What the hell type of name is Raiden anyway! What the hell does it mean?! That's not important right now. As the gay ass wearing a wannabe sneaking suit is walking in the jungle, he sees the two dead (Or maybe one is unconscious. I haven't decided yet.) guards lying there. He gets in the "Codec crouch" and dials whatever the hell is used to dial it. A grumpy sounding old man responds on the other side.

Colonel: What is it this time Raiden? You see a mouse?

Raiden: No. I was just calling to tell you that the base is under heavy surveillance.

Well, somehow the people on the other end of the codec can see what the caller is seeing. Don't make sense much, but what the hell does any way?

Colonel: *sigh* Raiden. The guards are dead. That means it is NOT under heavy surveillance. That means someone else is here, doing your job.

Raiden: .Oh.

Colonel: Besides, from the looks of things, the enemy base. Cave rather, is incredibly gay! Who the hell would put this shit hole under heavy surveillance?! I mean come on, Its as gay as you!

Raiden: HEY! Listen, I'm sick and tired of people calling jungle caves gay! THEY ARE NOT! They are just misunderstood, that's all.

Colonel: Raiden, do you realize that I just called you gay?

Raiden: Why yes, I am happy.

Colonel: *sigh* No, I meant gay as in faggot.

Raiden: Did you just call me a cigarette?

Colonel: Forget it. Your mission is as follows: Look for evidence that a new Metal Gear is in development. If so, destroy it. If not. Well. Ahh fuck it! You're probably going to fail and get killed, so why tell you the rest. Go do what ever the hell you want, just don't bother me.

Raiden: Yes sir!

As Raiden does his gay ass little prance to the equally-gay-ass cave, a random person comes out of the bushes. Who is this mysterious man? Is he a guard? A fellow good guy? A telemarketer?! Well, let's find out shall we.

Mystery Man who we hope is the pizza boy: Sir, we have an intruder. Do you want me to stop him?

Other Mystery man on the other line of the two-way radio: Negative. Let him come. He can face the wrath of ZEAL.

Well, till next time kiddies. This is your dysfunctional Author saying good night. [And this is your equally dysfunctional editor telling you all to fuck yourselves. No, really. Masturbation rules.]