Fan Fiction ❯ Never give a knight a spyglass ❯ Never give a knight a spyglass ( One-Shot )

Never give a knight a spyglass

"Help me!!!!" screamed Dill Hammerlick as he was thrown into the portal that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere in the back room of the Sham Sham Diddy Sham bar, which was located conveniently close to the local high school. The portal had ripped into existence just as the timer went off for the next round of butter rolls that Dill had been preparing for the lame kids after school. So far it had sucked in the oven, the only table in the room, Dill, the furnace, and Bad Rap, who had been conveniently hidden behind the furnace, waiting for Dill to make a wrong move. Some other things, like baking tools, employee coats and bags, and silverware were also thrown into the vortex.

"What's going on in here!!" Boon Evans ran quickly into the room, brandishing his sword like a ninja. Our hero, Biff Whamsock, the illegitimate son of the bar tender and a transvestite gypsy slut, was right on Mr. Evans' heels.

"What the fuck was that noise?!" Biff was yelling from behind. He had been smoking weed all day. It was payday. Biff loved payday. He had the fat sack on his belt! Nothing could stop him!!

Then he saw the portal.

Boon Evans was running madly for the portal. "Get in before we lose the furnace!" He was yelling as he ran. Biff did as he was told. Nothing was worse than a winter day in the Sham Sham Diddy Sham without a furnace.

Biff Jumped for the portal just as Boon disappeared into its depths. He hit with the impact of a thousand ninjas, sending him deep into the busty innards of the strange rip in reality. He landed with a significantly lesser amount of grace than that with which he entered. Luckily, however, Biff had the foresight to twist his body to the left, saving his dope from elimination at the hands of this unknown enemy.

Suddenly, from every direction around him, there were swords. Hundreds of them… And men, using them on one another! There may have been a few pike men in the fray, but that was no concern of his right now. He was in the middle of a war.

Boon Evans dragged him to his feet. "We have to find the furnace and get it away from this battle!" Boon screamed at him, barely audible above the noise. His sword was in his hand, and it was already stained with blood. He tossed Biff a fair sized knife from the deep recesses of his trenchcoat. "We have to defend it. I ain't putting us cash for a new one." Biff gave him a knowing smile, as the two men began cutting their way through the swath of soldiers.

"Wait a minute!" Biff said suddenly, recognizing a face in the crowd, "I think I just saw Hairy One Pack." Boon stopped to scan the faces of the surrounding melee.

"One Pack!!" Biff cupped his hands over his mouth and yelled. Almost instantly, Hairy One Pack stood before him. His face and clothes were smeared with blood, and he had a fierce look in his eyes.

"Sup Ninja?" One Pack kicked a man's sword from his hand and ran him through with it before looking back at Biff.

"What side are you on?" Biff asked him.

"I don't give a fuck!" One Pack replied.

"Have you seen the furnace." Biff asked. Boon Evans had sensed the need for urgent conversation, so he was sweeping the area, keeping the soldiers away from the two.

"We was hiding behind the motherfucker waiting to jump your fucking pastry boy before all this shit went down!" One Pack wanted to get back to the battle. He was looking for a certain king he had a score to settle with. What score that may have been, only Bad Rap knows. "We took that heavy ass furnace and that little bitch boy of yours to a safe place."

"How did you manage that?" Biff asked with genuine curiosity.

"The same way we gonna get you, and the clown out." One pack motioned for Biff to follow.

"Boon! We out this motherfucker!" Biff yelled over his shoulder as he began following his favourite rapper in the whole world through a medieval battlefield. Boon Evans fell in behind him as they chased Hairy One Pack, who was travelling at a terribly fast speed through the throng of soldiers.

Within minutes, and surprisingly without having to kill more than a hundred or more soldiers, the small party of three were at the outskirts to one side of the battlefield. They slowed to an easy walk after they were clear of the struggle, and Biff began putting his game across.

"So where are you taking us, oh mighty rapper?" Biff said. He was now walking beside Hairy One Pack, with Boon taking up the other flank protectively. They had both seen what One Pack could do in battle, and they both knew that he was now their only hope of finding the furnace.

"I'm taking you to a place nearby called the aspen," He ginned, looking rather savage with blood smeared all over his face, "It's our favourite restaurant."

Eyebrows shot up to either side of mega-platinum rap star as they crested a hill overlooking a small valley. There was a sign to Biff's left that said welcome to the Bulkley valley.

It looked like it had been made out of a medium sized chunk of cardboard, a wooden pole, and some duck tape. And if anybody asks, I have living proof that there is in fact a brand called `Duck' tape, so fuck off!

Hairy One Pack looked lovingly at the sign. Tibbs and Whitey had put up the sign while he was gone. The floor of the valley was almost completely flat grassland, marred only by the presence of a rather small highway diner with a large neon sign that read "Aspen".

There seemed to be a man walking up the hill in front of them as they began their descent into the valley and onward to the Aspen. One Pack knew who this was. This was one of Bad Rap's archenemies, The Aspen Man. He was wearing his usual overalls with the name tag so familiar to his profession as a Bad Rap super villain, as well as a straw hat, which looked more than a little out of place. He was also carrying a tree branch with a small bag tied to the end of it.

"Aspen Man!" One Pack called out, signalling for Biff and Boon to stop. They stopped.

"Fear not Hairy One Pack!" Aspen man yelled back, not twenty feet away. "I have no more quarrel with you boys. I am stripped of my power." He closed the rest of the distance between himself and his former nemesis. One Pack shot Boon Evans a quick look of warning as he tried to put himself between the rapper and the Aspen Man. Boon Evans steadied himself, and exchanged a short look of understanding with his friend Biff. They wanted the furnace.

"And how did that happen?" One Pack asked.

"After we were sucked into the portal and dropped in this strange world, you kids came and took over." He looked longingly over his shoulder at the restaurant that had given him years of unlimited power. "The Don fired me." A tear fell from the Aspen Man's eye. "I will be off now." The Aspen man began walking off towards the battlefield, whistling a tune from Spice World: The Movie.

"What was that all about?" Biff asked when One Pack started walking again.

"It's a long story…" Hairy One Pack said, looking towards the Aspen, "But I suppose we do have a good hour of walking to do, so what the fuck, right?" One Pack told the two about his adventures in Bad Rap and the many days and nights spent at the Aspen. He also told them of the battle between The Don and Aspen Man back in the day. Boon Evans whistled loudly when One Pack described the 14 hit hurricane kick super that The Don used to defeat Aspen man in the fight. The hour of walking, which was in fact a two and a half hour walk, went by quickly, and before they knew it, they stood proudly on the steps of the greatest restaurant on earth. The Aspen.

Tibbs, Whitey, and The Don sat around their familiar booth in the back of the place.

One Pack told Biff and Boon to grab chairs before taking his usual spot in the back corner. He lovingly touched the familiar symbol etched into the wood siding of the table. It was his sign, and it meant more to him than most things.

"Welcome back Hairy One Pack

I'm glad you could make it for this phat track

We busting rhymes, from east to west

Sup on some dinosaur scales for my chest!"

Whitey bust out the phat lines he had been working on while One Pack was gone. A supportive "Yeeeeeeaaa!!" went up from the crowd. Biff and Boon arrived with their chairs, and set up shop at the end of the table. Biff got out his sack and dumped a few buds on the table. Mighty Whitey's jaw dropped open. The Don grabbed his nutsack and started making gurgling noises. Tibbs broke into a wicked grin and began rubbing his hands together. One Pack slammed his fist down on the table and said, "Damn homy! What the fuck were you waiting for?!" One Pack pulled The Duck from under the table and handed it to Biff. Biff's eyes went wide. He had seen The Duck before. He had even touched The Duck before. But he had never smoked through The Duck before.

There was total silence as Biff nervously loaded the bowl of The Duck. All eyes were on The Duck. Amanda, the A-K toting, fully loaded, Aspen waitress supreme walked up to the table to check on the rappers coffee level. Being a super spy ninja agent, Amanda sensed the need for silence, and asked with a series of hand movements and eyebrow twitches. Cups were filled, and stale plates were removed without hindering the progress of The Duck's sacred loading. The silence was not disturbed. Biff finished loading the bowl and tried to pass it to One Pack, who waved him off and said to take first hit. Biff lit that bitch up like he'd never wanted a hit so bad in his life. Then came the pain. Everyone but Boon Evans laughed knowingly. They knew what The Duck was capable of, and they also knew that he was an asshole about newcomers. The Duck had his own ways of testing people, and all those who have tasted him know of his true power. Boon Evans didn't cough as much, but the pain was evident in his eyes.

After a long session consisting of many hits, Biff spoke up. He looked at One Pack "So what about the furnace?" All the members of Bad Rap smiled at one another. One Pack began chuckling to himself. Dr. Tibbs tried desperately to hold in the mouthful of coffee he had going. Whitey shook his head thoughtfully. The Don pointed at Biff and laughed.

Then suddenly, like the flame of desire, The Duck lit up in a pillar of fire. He looked directly at Biff and said, "This is only a glimpse of my true power. I like your bar, and I like the herb with which you have provided me. Go know, and know that you have pleased me." The background began fading away from Biff's vision. Everything was getting blurry. The room started spinning and twisting every which direction. Faster, and faster the room spun, until all he could see was the swirling lights of the portal. He landed with a thump. Boon Evans was beside him, looking very much confused. They were back in the pastry room of the Sham Sham Diddy Sham. Dill was standing in his usual spot by the open fire pit that they used for a grill. The furnace was in its proper spot, and Biff could hear Bad Rap performing out on the stage. The song sounded unfamiliar, and he couldn't quite figure out the name of it. They both got up, ignoring Dill, who happily went about his work as if nothing was wrong, and walked out into the bar.

Bad Rap was rocking the place with a song that neither Biff nor Boon had ever heard before. As they stepped out into the overcrowded bar room, Hairy One Pack stopped rapping and turned towards them.

"And how about a big hand for the two dopest bartenders in the motherfucking world!!"

The crowd went wild. Hairy One Pack winked at Biff, before going on. "The song you were just hearing is a new one we came up with." He smiled and pointed to The Duck, who sat atop one of the 6 foot speakers to his left. "It's called Never give a knight a spyglass. It's about some ninjas who find themselves in a fucked up situation, but impress themselves upon a god to receive their redemption."

They started the song from the beginning, and as Biff listened to it, he swore he could hear The Duck speaking to him.

"Fuck! Nutz! Ass! Cock! Tits! Bitch! @&%$^#!!!"