Fan Fiction ❯ Never let a leopard steal your spots ❯ Never let a leopard steal your spots ( One-Shot )

Never let a Leopard steal your spots

The acid was just starting to kick in. The back room of the Sham Sham Diddy Sham was quickly becoming the set of a medevil dungeon right before our hero's eyes. Biff Whamsock had taken the pills about a half an hour ago, and had been smoking pot through a bong while he waited for them to go to work on his senses. They were doing that now. He hardly noticed that there were other people in the room. Who were they anyways?? And what were they doing in his dungeon? He had to get them out. He had to make them leave so he could figure out why his leg would not stop twitching. Maybee that was the drugs as well. No, it couldn't be. It must be their fault. They were in his dungeon. He was on acid. Wait a minute….

"You all right??" A man in a long black trenchcoat asked him. This man was Boon Evans, the wicked clown. He had gotten a job at the Sham Sham Diddy Sham a number of years ago, and didn't talk much about his past. Biff was sure that Boon had a sword under that coat, but with the current mixture of pot smoke and acid tablets coursing through his body, he wasn't sure if that was true.

"Who are you and where is your sword?!" Biff pointed his finger rudely in Boon's direction.

Boon raised one of his eyebrows. "Acid kicking in?" He asked with a smile.

"Fuck you!" Was Biff's swift reply, before returning to his drugged reasoning. He picked up a bag. The bag was a little bit heavy, but in his present state, Biff had no idea what could be in it. However, If this man was in fact the great Boon Evans, than he would deflect a thrown bag of goods with little effort. Biff hefted the bag over his shoulder and released it with a good deal of force. The resounding `thud' was all he needed to hear to know that it was a direct hit.

"My eye!!" A voice screamed. Biff looked over to the man he thought was Boon Evans. He was laughing maniacally and pointing at the man writhing on the floor with both hands over his face. He had not hit Boon Evans with the bag of unknown goods, but he had in fact hit another man who had been standing in the room. The man on the floor had blond hair. He looked like a pretty boy… Hold on… could this be Dill Hammerlick, the punk ass pastry boy that worked in the back room of the bar. It could. That would explain the sissy crying and the rolling around on the ground in pain.

"Biff! You're nothing but a stoned bully!" Dill managed to say through his fits of anguish. He knew that the lord would punish Biff someday, however, his patience was wearing quite thin.

Quite suddenly, Biff's legs buckled. He fell to the floor with a hard landing, and began laughing hysterically. Boon had one hand over his face while the other kept him supported against the wall of the dungeon. He was laughing so hard a thin line of drool was hanging from his mouth. He was much, much to stoned to wipe it off without losing his grip on the wall and joining his co-workers on the ground. Dill was still crying like a baby. Biff had stopped laughing, and was know swatting at things in the air that only he could see.

Suddenly, a call came from the other side of the door. "Would you three stop jacking off and get out here and work!! The place is packed!!! #@!#$%%@#!!!" It was the boss. Biff remembered the boss. He was fat, and loud, and his father. Biff didn't like his father much, mostly because he made him work and paid him next to nothing.

Boon grabbed Dill by the back of his shirt and hauled him up off the ground. He handed him a spatula and pointed at the grill. Dill Hammerlick, being the little bitch that he is, went quickly to work, still whimpering about how mean Biff was. Boon headed out the door.

Biff struggled to get to his feet. He was alone in the dungeon. There was a man standing guard beside a torture rack near the back of the room. He looked to be carrying a short stabbing weapon, maybe a sword. Biff looked to either side of him, and finally let his gaze settle on a good choice. He picked up what looked like another short sword and a shield that had the word `FUCK' etched into it's surface. He whirled around to face his captor, who looked at him with hatred and fear. The guard brushed a lock of his blond hair off of his face and said, "What the hell are you doing with those?"

Biff charged at the guard, who deflected his attack with his own short sword.

"Stop it Biff!" The guard was yelling as he deflected sword strokes meant to take his life in a most unpleasant manner. Biff did not let up. But why did the guard know his name? Why was the guard simply defending and not trying to counter attack? Why did the dancing fairies keep distracting him from the fight at hand? All of these questions plagued our hero's mind as he fought for his freedom, and the freedom of all lands.

"huuuurrrraaaaggggg!!!" Biff screamed at he knocked the sword from the guard's hand. Sensing his opportunity, Biff slammed his shield into the guard's face, sending a hollow `thunk' ringing through the dungeon. The guard crumpled to the floor, unconscious.

Biff raised his sword high in the air and yelled, "VICTORY!!!!" as loud as he could.

The door suddenly shot open, revealing a medium sized, fierce looking green dragon. Biff quickly got back into his fighting stance, fearing what the dragon would do if he didn't act quick.

"What are you doing with those??" The dragon asked.

Biff recognized the dragon's voice. It was Boon Evans. But why was he a dragon? How could he have hidden all that under a simple trenchcoat? Where did he keep the leathery wings that now sprouted from his upper back hidden to all the world under his magical coat? That must have been it. The coat was magic.

"I defeated the guard!" Biff said triumphantly, "And now, Boon the green dragon, I will defeat you!" He pointed his sword at the dragon blocking the doorway.

"With a rolling pin??" Boon's eyebrow shot up, "And a garbage can lid?"

Biff looked down at the items he held in his hands. They were, in fact, a rolling pin and a garbage can lid. The lid had `FUCK' written in black jiffy marker on it. He looked back at the doorway. The dragon had disappeared. Boon Evans was standing in it's place.

"Where did the dragon go?!" Biff asked, throwing his useless weapons to the side, narrowly missing the body lying in a heap on the floor.

"What the fuck did you do to Dill??" Boon walked over to the crumpled form of Dill Hammerlick, who lay on the floor with blood oozing from his nose.

"Maybe the dragon got him." Biff offered, sensing that his legs were about to buckle again. He put his hand on the wall to steady himself.

"Anyway," Boon went on, rising to his feet and pointing towards the door, "The boss needs you at the bar. The place is packed and we can't handle it ourselves." He gave Biff a hard look, one that meant he was to listen carefully, and not ask questions. "I didn't tell him you were this high, so try to act normal."

"You know me!" Biff grinned, trying desperately not to laugh. This was going to be fun.

Boon shook his head and went for the door. "Just try not to get me in trouble. I hate sticking up for you."