Fan Fiction ❯ Numb ❯ Numb ( One-Shot )

Tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the under toe, just caught in the under toe)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the under toe, just caught in the under toe)

I slammed the door of my room and flopped down on my bed. I was exhausted and frustrated from fighting with my mother. Seems like that's all I ever did anymore, I go to school and I fight with my mother. I thought back to a time in which we hadn't been fighting. It was difficult. We had our few moments of peace when we would go grocery shopping, sometimes when we would have a movie night, those days had been long gone though. Mom has been asking me to leave a list of what I need and she'll do the shopping while I'm in school, and movie nights… well, those we haven't been able to get through opening credits without some little argument or two. I would usually walk away, go in my room and read a book or surf the web. I was completely lost, like when the teachers at school would expect us to know what they were talking about before they'd taught us the lesson. I didn't know what my mother wanted from me anymore. One minute, I was her baby, she was proud of me, the next she's yelling at me for something that I wasn't a part of. I could do everything right in the morning, but if I put one toe out of line in the afternoon I might as well be grounded.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

I've become so tired

So much more aware

I'm becoming this

All I want to do

Is be more like me

And be less like you

I found myself going through the days like a zombie. I would get up, go to school, come home, do my homework, eat a very quiet dinner, and go to sleep; only to find myself doing the same thing the next day. I was avoiding her. Whenever we were in the same room it was like we didn't see each other. The longer this went on the more I started to notice things. How distant we had become. How many times a day I found myself walking out the door for some air. I was tired of yelling and would find any excuse to get out of the house. Anything at all would do: errands, fresh air, exercise, chores. As this continued I found myself trying harder to get out of this box my mother had tried to put me in. I wanted to be myself, but I felt like the only way to live in my own home was to be a clone of my mother.

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly

Afraid to lose control

Cuz everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart

Right in front of you

Later in the week I noticed I had even more shields up then usual. My mother had tried to talk to me, like she does whenever she wants us to be on good speaking terms. It would last only long enough for her to see that I'm not going to forgive and forget so easily, then she would turn her nose in the air and start yelling at me. She would make malicious comments about just how much of a brat I'd turned into. She tried restricting my activities to get me to do what she wanted. Everything that she tried, I'd try and do the opposite just to piss her off and prove that I was not a piece of clay for her to mold. Everything that she ever wanted me to be was ripped away. I started sneaking out of the house and going to parties. It didn't matter where I went as long as I was away from my supposed home. I think she finally noticed how bad things got when the cops busted one of the parties I had snuck out to. I had tripped on a sprinkler and twisted my ankle. The cop grabbed me and took me home with only a warning since I wasn't drunk like the rest of my `buddies' as he referred to them. The look on her face was like a glass shattering, I wasn't proud of it, but I wasn't going to show her even the slightest trace of regret.

(Caught in the under toe, just caught in the under toe)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the under toe, just caught in the under toe)

And every second I waste

Is more then I can take

Grounded for a month, no TV, no phone (exception being for schoolwork, which would be supervised), no life basically. This wasn't just a mistake; this was the biggest mistake to her. Not that I'm denying being brought home by the cops to be big, but that doesn't mean I'm in any more of a forgiving mood. I couldn't take it. I was going crazy being locked up like that. She couldn't really enforce any of this till she got home from work, but once she was home I was pretty much kept under lock and key. Finally, when I thought that I might as well be taken to the loony bin, I got an email from one of my friends. Mom wasn't home yet to stop me from using my computer. Nor does she ever bother to check my computer so she wouldn't know if I were using it online or not anyway. The email was about a trip a few of my close friends were taking over the weekend up to a college campus. I decided then and there that I was going, with or without my mother's permission.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

I've become so tired

So much more aware

I'm becoming this

All I want to do

Is be more like me

And be less like you

I could tell things were bad when I wasn't talking to my mother, I could tell they were worse I started sneaking out, but this was grave when I was planning on running away for a little while. It had gotten to the point of feeling nothing towards this, even though I knew in my head that this was wrong, I didn't care. My bag was being packed while my mom was at work. The arrangements were all set. I wasn't about to sit and complain about what was going on in my life without doing something about it. That was my mother's deal, mine was to solve my problems. Maybe on this trip I would figure out what I wanted to do, and then how to get it. Perhaps I could even find a job and a way to make it work out where I would just live that college town and never come back. Whether these thoughts were to come true or not, they kept me going, even if I didn't feel anything.

And I know I may end the feeling too

But I know you were just like me

With someone disappointed in you

I wanted so badly for school to be out so that I could get going: once the bell rang I would get a ride home from my friend, where we would grab my bag and go. When the time finally came, I was the first one out the door; I didn't care enough to apologize to anyone I ran into. My friend was already there, in her car. I hopped in and we went to my house. I ran in to grab my bag and was about to leave when I stopped and looked at a picture of my mom, my grandma, and me. Something hit me when I was looking at that picture. My mom was always complaining of how controlling her mom had been, but she didn't seem to realize that she had become Grandma. They were both controlling. Mom would never talk about how Grandma tried to control her life. She was very vague when she would talk about it, strictly because I wouldn't ask questions. It hit me then: she had been just like me, someone had been disappointed in her too.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

I've become so tired

So much more aware

I'm becoming this

All I want to do

Is be more like me

And be less like you

I was more determined then ever not to become my mother. It's weird to say that you feel determined when you haven't really felt anything in a while. I was tired of this numb feeling. I just wanted it to go away, but since it wouldn't I was going to try and find a way to make it go away. All I really wanted was to be me, not my mom, and have that be ok.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

(Tired of being what you want me to be)

I hopped in the car and we pulled out as my mom's car was pulling up. I could tell she didn't realize who it was at first, but it wasn't long before she was trying to yell at me to get back in the house. I just told my friend to drive. Which she did. My mom dropped the dry-cleaning bag she was holding, and jumped back into her car. She was driving behind us, trying to catch us, and I didn't feel a thing. I didn't care…. I didn't… I just….

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

(Tired of being what you want me to be)