Fan Fiction ❯ Random Elf Outtakes! ❯ Buckleberry Ferry ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters, extensive plot lines, etc. However, I do own my endless movie insertions, witty comments, and senseless chattering. But I digress…

Hey everyone! I'm coming fresh from fanfiction.net with this story due to its deletion there (I didn't know the rule about scripts) on suggestion from Tuathafaerie (read her stories, they're amazing). So, I hope you enjoy this first chapter. Please review if you want more, and I do accept requests for certain character-focused outtakes; it just might take me a while to get them finished.

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Setting: The Woods near Buckleberry Ferry. The two traveling hobbits Frodo and Sam have just met up with Merry and Pippin…the madness begins.

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FRODO: Ok guys, I'm going to tell you what's going on, as long as you don't tell.
PIPPIN + MERRY: (YELLING) OK! WE PROMISE WE WON'T TELL THAT YOU'RE LEAVING THE SHIRE IN SECRET WITH SAM, FRODO!
FRODO: Shut up! You'll give me away!
SAM: Uh, I think they already did.
(FRODO turns around to see ten hobbits standing among the trees, apparently on a mushroom-gathering. They are all staring at him, stunned)
FRODO: uh.....ummmm.........
SAM: Hold on Mr. Frodo....(pulls out four pairs of sunglasses and a metal stick with a red light on the end) put the glasses on, guys.( turns to ten hobbits- presses button on stick, and red light flashes) My friends and I are on a root-gathering, and we have these packs on because we have so many roots we can't carry them in our arms. (The ten hobbits seem blank and walk off obliviously. SAM waves) Happy mushroom gathering! (turns back to FRODO) What next, Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: Uh..um...(sigh) You know what? I'm not even going to ask. Anyway, I'm leaving because I have the One Ring, which the evil lord Sauron wants so he can take over the world and his living-dead servants the Ringwraiths are looking for me.
MERRY: Oh. Okay. (totally unconcerned)
PIPPIN: Frodo are you serious?
FRODO: Yup.
(pause)
PIPPIN: Oh…my…AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
ALL HOBBITS: BILLY, SHUT UP!
FRODO: (to Merry) so, I'm not exactly sure what I'm gonna do... say! Do you know any way I could leave undetected?
MERRY: Uh, well...I know! Buckleberry Ferry. Follow-
SAM: (starts sniggering) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
PIPPIN: Oh my gosh, Merry ( starts giggling uncontrollably) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MERRY: (Extremely annoyed) What's the matter with you guys?
SAM: (still laughing) I dunno...it was just the way you said it…oh, and your fly's open (he and PIPPIN fall onto each other laughing)
MERRY: (glaring, and blushing as he zips up his fly) You retards. Now follow me, quickly!
(RINGWRAITH 1 suddenly jumps out from the bushes)
RINGWRAITH 1: (in heavy German accent) I've got you now, hobbits!
SAM: Dudes, run.
ALL HOBBITS: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (begin running towards FERRY )
MERRY: (panting) Okay! Keep heading for Buckleberry Ferry (SAM snickers) Shut up, Sam! Anyway, it shouldn't be too far....
(The hobbits suddenly find their way blocked by...)
FRODO: OH NO! It's a New York City street during the Christmas shopping season! We'll never get across! (taxi beeps)
(As Frodo speaks, RINGWRAITH 1 is closing in, now accompanied by RINGWRAITH 2)
RINGWRAITH 2: (In a heavy Brooklyn accent) It's funny, Boss…they do look a lot shorter in real life than on the assignment page.
SAM: Oh no! Think up something quick! They're coming!
PIPPIN: Oh...my...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
ALL HOBBITS: BILLY, SHUT UP!
MERRY: Come on Frodo! What do we do?
FRODO: (sighs) there's only one thing we CAN do, Mr. Brandybuck....TAKE THE SUBWAY! (*music* dum dum dummm)
MERRY: WHAT? You can't be serious! There could be bombs, or it might break down…and it's SO dirty...
FRODO: No time to be picky! Let's go! (hobbits run down to SUBWAY CAR and jump in; door closes and train takes off)
RINGWRAITHS 1+2: Oh, fiddlesticks!
RINGWRAITH 1: I'll notify RINGWRAITHS 3+4 that they're coming…(dials cell phone) Guys? Be at the Ferry. The hobbits will be arriving by SUBWAY (*music* dum dum).
RINGWRAITH 3: ( In heavy Irish accent) The SUBWAY? Are they crazy?
RINGWRAITH 1: They may be.
ALL RINGWRAITHS: (In deep creepy voices) MWHA HA HA HA HA H-cough, cough.
( Hobbits are now on SUBWAY. They see already on board two very irritated looking orcs and a group of very anxious looking male Elves)
ELF 1: (taps Frodo on shoulder) do you have the time?
FRODO: (looks at Rolex) 6:45 AM.
ELF 2: Good! We won't be late!
RANDOM ELF: Here's our stop- the Middle-Earth Match-Maker studios!
ALL ELVES: Lets go get us some girlfriends! Whoo-Hoo!!!!!!!!! (stampede off Subway)
FRODO: Ahh, so much more elbow room... hey, where's Pippin?
MERRY: Uh... to tell you the truth, I think he got off with the Elves...
FRODO: WHAT? Oh, crap! (dials cell phone) Pippin, you idiot, pick up! He turned his phone off, the little-
SAM: Well, here's our stop- nice talking to ya, guys! (referring to orcs)
ORC 1: You too, Mr. Gamgee, sir!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Please watch your step as you exit the car, Frodo Baggins…thank you.
ORC 2: Baggins... Hey, isn't that the name of the guy who has the Ring?
FRODO: Oh crap...
ORC 1: GET HIM!
FRODO: Get off, get off, get off! (pushes hobbits off train and hit CLOSE DOOR button just in time)
MERRY: Whew! That was close!
FRODO: Yeah...man, if that stupid Took thinks he can just walk out on us...(cell rings) Hello? PIPPIN! Where are you? Oh, PJ's gonna kill you......you'll meet us in Bree? Well, hurry up…you've got an Elf-girlfriend? You dog! All right...see you there...(hangs up) Man, Pippin gets all the fun..
SAM: AHHH! Two wraiths are coming! Get on! (All hobbits jump onto FERRY and start across the river)
RINGWRAITH 3: Aw man! We are so dead! Hurry, lets get to the Bridge!