Fan Fiction ❯ Terrorsit Gets His Virgins ❯ Terrorist Gets His Virgins ( Chapter 1 )

Terrorist Gets His Virgins

Author: James the Lesser/The Bunnyman

 

A/N This is a COMEDY!!!! If you are offended to freaking bad!

BTW, I got the idea while thinking about the 72 Virginians joke, the one where he dies and gets smacked around by people like George Washington.

 

Akbar Ollier was outside the Jewish nightclub, he checks the two bombs to make sure they are primed. “Brother always said I was so fat it would take two bombs to blow myself up.” He walks towards the nightclub sweating badly; wearing all the clothes a Muslim wears in the desert makes one do that. He gets inside, looks around at all the Jews, then goes for it. “Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal alalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal alalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal alalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…” BOOM! He blows himself up.

 

A few minutes later, or so it seemed to him, he woke up. There was a white shining light; he felt at peace, he had done it! Now Allah would give him his reward, 72 Virgins. “Allah?”

 

“Yes my child, you have done what is in the book, why, well, you did it. Here is your reward.” The light splits in two and shows a huge house with lots of women running around, his 72 Virgins.

 

“Thank you Allah.” Akbar walks to the house seeing all the women running around, opening the door he sees a beautiful home, oak furnishing, Persian rugs in every room, paradise. Akbar decided hey, he blew himself up, he deserves his rewards. “You.” He points at a girl.

 

“Yes Master?”

 

“Come with me.” Akbar leads her up the stairs and finds a hallway with lots of doors. Opening each one he starts to get frustrated, closet, closet, bathroom, closet, bathroom, closet, closet, bathroom, where was the bedroom? Finally at the end of the hallway he opens the last door and finds his bed, a huge bed, with pillows each the size of four pregnant watermelons. “Ah this is paradise! Woman strip.” She does, as does he. “Now woman you know what to do.”

 

“No Master I don't, I'm a virgin.” She just looks at him confused. “What's that?” She points between his legs.

 

“That's a penis!”

 

“Oh, was it blown off when you killed yourself?”

 

“NO! Look get on your knees.” She does. “Now do you know what to do?” She grabs a hold of it. “No not in your ear you stupid woman!” She takes it out of her ear and puts it in her nose. “No no no not there!” Akbar tries to pull away but can't, his penis is stuck in her nose.

 

“Master what am I doing wrong?”

 

“Everything!” He grabs her head pulls away as hard as he can. “Ow! Son of an American White Satan!” He grabs his penis and cleans it off on a bed sheet. “You get out of her, send the next one in.”

 

Sadly, they were all virgins, none knew what to do, one sniffed his penis, another just laughed, Akbar could not believe it, what kind of paradise is this?

 

“Allah!” The roof opens up as the white light comes down.

 

“Yes my child?”

 

“What is this! I killed myself for you and my reward is, well, this!”

 

“Yes, as I promised, anyone who kills themselves will be burdened with 72 virgins, never to have sex again as the women are to inexperienced to know what to do.”

 

“That's not what it says!”

 

“I am God; I think I know what I wrote.”

 

“But then why would we kill ourselves, what happens to those who don't?”

 

“They go to heaven with the entire fine ass ho meat you want. These girls know positions that not even a I can do.”

 

“But, but, this isn't heaven?” Akbar is confused, he killed a bunch of Jews, why did he not to heaven?

 

“Of course not, being stuck with 72 virgins is anything but heaven. Just wait for their birthdays, think it is hard to shop for one woman try 72 of them!” God laughs. “I'm all knowing and I don't know what to get my woman for her birthday.”

 

“But in the book…”

 

“In the book I say exactly that, you kill someone, you go to hell with 72 virgins, and do I need to put up neon signs or something?”

 

“No you don't Allah, but why would you do this? I killed those evil Jews!”

 

“Evil? I'm grateful you killed some, tax time is almost here and need someone to look over my W2 forms, but it is still against my word.”

 

“But, but, NOOOO!!!!!!!” Akbar breaks down crying. “Why would you do this!”

 

“I did nothing, you're the idiot who thought 72 Virgins was paradise…”

 

“Master, does this Burka make my butt look big?”

 

“Master do these shoes match my Burka? Or should I go with this pair.”

 

“Master could you go to the store, we are all out of goats milk.”

 

“Master…” 72 virgins asking him for things, his opinion, it was truly hell for a man.