Fan Fiction ❯ the Comics: Book Two ❯ Chapter Two (Joe) ( Chapter 2 )

As told by Joe:

That KA-BOOM was the worst sound I'd ever heard in my entire life. And believe me, I oughtta know. The dumb group I'd been with was all broken up, but that didn't stop me. Nothing stops Joe Cool. If I could save some lives, I could get press recognition. Enough press recognition ensures rabid female fans. The ladies love me.

Anyway, I put my XXX porno on pause and combed my hair on the way out the door. Only a dumbass would show up messy. Though I can look really sexy with that "just rolled outta bed" look. Chicks dig that stuff. It's suggestive, I guess. But enough about me, let's focus on my mad skillz.

I made a kick-ass entrance into the square. Ordinarily, all the chicks would be drooling over me. And all the chicks who weren't…well, they were secretly wanting to. Women love making me think they don't want me, but I can always tell when they do. They just wanna prolong it, make me chase `em a bit. Women love that.

Yeah, so, this time I made my entrance and no one even looked at me. I was like WTF?? I said it too. But I don't even think anyone heard me. They were all staring at this chick at the center of the square. And, dude, there was nothing to stare at. She wasn't really butt-ugly or anything, but I wouldn't want her looking out at me from my Playboy centerfold either, y'know? Yeah, she was okay and stuff, but she had this long white robe-thing on. And her boobs were, like, eh and stuff. And she looked like a real bitch. I hate women like that. Problem is, they're so attracted to me.

I could tell this chick wanted to jump me right then and there, but she played coy and pretended to ignore me. That pissed me off. I wish women would just speak their mind sometimes, especially when I know they want me.

Anyway, then she's like, "Humans of Earth, congregate to me! The rewards for doing so will be tremendous!" and yackity schmack about looking into her eyes and stuff. But I was sorta giving her a second glance, y'know, check and see if I missed something the first time. And I avoid looking chicks in the eye unless I'm out to seduce them away to my pad. Gotta avoid that whole commitment thing, y'know?

But everyone else started looking real funny-like. I called upon my kick-ass street-smarts and snuck into the crowd, sorta babe-watching here, lifting a wallet there. And then I saw him. Conan. And he was watching that bitch-lady with this real funny look on his face.

"Ooooo, Amy's gonna be jealous when she hears, Conan. `Course, if you can make it worth my while, she'll never have to hear about the way you're staring at that chick." I struck up my usual cool stance and grinned.

He ignored me! That sonuva- He actually kept watching her. So I smacked him upside the head. Um, I don't think you really wanna hear about what happened next. Um, yeah. Anyway, when I stopped bleeding, the bitch-lady was wading into the crowd she had gathered. She'd stop next to some sexy chick or an ok-looking guy and put her hand on their head. Then she'd say something all quiet and low and walk on to someone else. When she'd gathered, like, this harem or something, she went back to the middle where they were all standing and started bitching some more. She was all: "Blah blah do my will and blah blah destroy those who oppose me and blah blah blah." Damn, that woman musta been on the rag or something, y'know?

Anyway, then I used my superior thinking skills and int'lect and stuff and figured out that that group of super dweebs I used to hang around (just for kicks of course! It's not like I really liked them, or even had the hots for one of them. Especially not Super Stacie! Yeah! That's just dumb!!) could be sorta a threat to her or something. It also occurred to me that Conan would be going back to destroy the warehouse headquarters for this Bitch from Outer Space or whatever she was. And then he might go after the supergeeks and stuff- but of course, I didn't care if he went after Super Stacie or anything! I mean, it's not like I like her or anything!

And I did think of all this by myself! It's not like Conan started talking to himself out loud or anything. Hey- wanna fight, punk, or do ya believe me?

Good.

Anyway, I crept and slunk and snuck and vooshed through the shadows and streets and all that. Of course I beat the nutty vampire back to HQ. I'm just that good.

He got there a minute or two later. I was standing all bad-ass in front of the door like an unbreakable titanium…thingy. He snarled and sorta got all vicious-like. "Step…aside. Either you leave, or I will remove you."

That sounded pretty lame. "No can do, Conan. I saw what that bitch-lady did to ya. I can't let you pass." I sounded like James Bond or Indiana Jones. See, I'm so cool these guys just gotta pattern themselves after me.

"Her name…is Myena. And if you oppose my mistress, you must be destroyed." He crouched a little, all ready to spring.

I felt bad for him, going up again Joe Cool and all, so, "Hey, Conan. I don't wanna hurt you or anything, but if you insist-"

And you know what the son of a *gun* did?? He freakin' took a swing at me right in the middle of my talking! Of course he didn't hit me or anything. I threw myself down and swept his legs out from under him before he even collected himself from the first punch. Now, man, I know Conan. He may be all gay and dorky about his dumb computer, but he ain't no wimp, and he knows how to fight. Even I, the Great Joe Cool, shouldn't have been able to get him down with that one swipe. Something was messing with his mind, or his reflexes.

I moved to pin him down, but he'd bunched his legs up over his belly and thrust them out, scoring one helluva kick beneath my right eye. We regained our footing about the same time, and sorta crouched across from each other, glaring. My eye was making it kinda hard to see straight, but I ignored the searingly terrible pain and knew then and there that the fate of world was up to me. I had to beat him.

The switchblade appeared in my hand in a little under a second. Anyone else wouldn't have seen nothing but a blur. I am just that good. I guess Conan was getting used to whatever was going on in his brain, though, because his eyes followed everything. I pulled two smooth feints, one toward the left side of his face, one toward his ribcage, and then went for the opposite kidney, with every intention to follow through and all. This bastard was getting more dangerous as he regained control.

Block, block, block. And faster than I could see. Before I knew it, he'd caught my wrist in this one-handed killer joint lock and was forcing my wrist to bend further..and further..and further. Soon I knew I'd be dropping that knife. And right after that my wrist would just snap. I hate vampires.

"Conan! Don't!"

Something snapped, and it wasn't my wrist. His eyes went normal for a second, then he looked back over his shoulder for the girl who'd yelled.

I didn't have to look. I knew that angelic voice anywhere. The woman who haunted my dreams; whose pictures covered my walls. I knew she wanted me. I knew she was trying to help me, here.

I took the blade in my other hand and smashed the butt end into his temple. He damn near broke my wrist before he went down.

Then she came running up, like slow-motion, like Baywatch, man. And it was beautiful.

I kicked myself. Wait a sec! I can be such a fool sometimes. Like, once a blue moon, of course, but hey, I'm only human. As I watched her come running up, I got to thinking. I had just found out about a month ago that Super Stacie was, in reality, Stacie! I couldn't believe she'd been living that lie to me all that time. I mean, how was I supposed to know that sweet, happy, ditzy Super Stacie was that mean Stacie who hit me over the head with a friggin' locker door?? Some women are just sneaky and deceptive by nature. She even changed her name so I wouldn't figure it out. I mean Super Stacie?? Dammit, I'm not a frigging mind reader! How-??

"What happened? Joe!! Why're you here??" Stacie was standing in front of me now, looking between me and Conan.

Sometimes it kills me when I have to be cruel to the ladies, but when ya gotta, ya gotta. "None of your beeeeswax, Stacie. I don't have to answer any of your questions."

She glared. "Look, Joe! I belong here just as much as you do! Or should I call you…Jim??"

I tried to shut her up before anyone heard my real name. A secret is a secret, man. If anyone found out that I, Joe Cool, was in reality Jim…. Let's just say things would get a little hard for me.

"You loved Super Stacie, why am I any different?"

I jabbed a finger as close to her face as I could get it without stuffing it up her nose. "No, you look, Stacie! You deceived me! I was in love with SS!!" (SS was everyone's pet name for Super Stacie, go figure.)

I could almost feeeel her going into bitch-mode now. "But I am Super Stacie! There is no difference!"

"SS didn't hit me in the head with a locker door!!" By now, I was shouting, but oh well. Conan wasn't waking up anytime soon. And everyone knows that you can make a person understand you better by shouting your head off.

Then she said the two worst words you can bring into an argument. "Besides that."

I froze in the middle of a near-perfect come-back, mouth open, finger-pointing, and all. Oh darn. I think she has a point. Besides…. Besides…. Ummmmmm. Shoot!! What the-?? How about the time that she…. Naaaaw. Then what about…. Dammit.

Anyway, I didn't have to think up a response because this daydreamy expression came over her face and she started laughing. What a freak. "Stacie! Earth to Stacie!!"

"Huh?" I could almost see a little thought bubble pop over her head. "Did you say something?"

"No! I was too busy juggling my chainsaws! Of course I said something!!" I very smoothy and masterfully changed the subject. "This bitch-lady from Mars came into town and made a bunch of dudes her sex slaves and I just happened to save Conan from get entangled in her devious little scheme."

She blinked. "Um… Um… HEY!! We can get the superheroes together again! Yay!"

I coulda slapped myself. "Thrilling. I get to see all the supergeeks again."

A little wavery voice floated up from around my feet. "Supergeeks? Wha? What am I doing here?"

Stacie squeeeed and knelt to hug Conan's shoulders. The vamp was just sitting up, and rubbing his head from the severe smite I dealt him. Hehe. I even impress myself sometimes. Taking on a vampire…. Who'da thunk? I got my switchblade all ready again in case he tried something funny.

He just sorta groaned and moaned and rubbed his temple some more. "The last thing I remember is a loud `ka-boom!' Why does my head hurt?"

She glared up at me. "'Cause Jooooe hit you!!"

I muttered a "shaddap" and started shuffling stage right. Conan seemed okay now anyhow. Didn't need my services anymore. And if he remembered who'd hit him one….

"Hit him back! Suck his blood!" Stacie began to launch into hysterics. Fortunately, I was almost out of hearing distance when she started in on the "S'matter, Jim? Afraid? Chicken?? Buuuuuuck-buck-buck-buuuuuuuck…"

I could tell she still wanted me.