Fan Fiction ❯ The Curse of Emotions ❯ Cursed ( One-Shot )

Kaya, a girl of fifteen, looked down upon the powerful silver neck of the gelding she rode, her eyes burning as she forced away her tears. She shouldn't speak, or else she knew she'd begin to weep. There was no reason to cry, she knew. She wasn't hurt, she wasn't being abused, and she wasn't doing anything different than she normally did. She rode horses to train them and to learn how to train them better. But this felt like it was too much. She bit the inside of her lip until she thought it would bleed, but still the tears came.

 

She choked on a half sob, mentally screaming. `I hate myself! I HATE myself! Why do I have to cry so much? What's WRONG with me!?' She burned with emotion as she wiped tears off of her cheeks. `Why can't I just stay calm and emotionless?' She wheeled the powerful young horse around and finished her lesson, taking him over huge fences and doing her best to remain as stoic as possible. There was no reason to cry, no matter how frustrated she felt.

 

She paid special attention to her gray horse after the lesson was finally over, whispering praises as she buried her face into his neck and wept in her self-disgust. She feverishly wished she could just stay calm on a horse instead of getting anxious or nervous or frustrated when it came to jumping them. The gray horse turned his head in the tie and rested his chin on her shoulder. She stroked his face and neck gently, wishing even harder. After she put him back in his stall, she went home in silence, wishing over and over that she didn't suffer from frustration so violently. She hated crying with a passion, and would to anything to be able to just have no emotion whatsoever when she rode.

 

At home she took a long hot shower and went straight to bed, feeling exhausted. She was troubled by horrible dreams in her sleep, and woke feeling even more tired than the previous night. She snarled a curse and told her parents that she was sick. They were soft hearted enough to believe her, and Kaya went back to trying to sleep. But she was too tired to sleep. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't rest. She eventually managed to take a series of short naps, but they made things worse. She felt frustrated again and held her breath, burying her face into her pillow as if to drown herself. The feeling slowly went away, and she breathed out in a relieved sigh.

 

Sleep finally was hers, and she didn't awake for a good few hours. She awoke to numbness in her skin, but she didn't feel bad. In fact, she didn't feel good either. She simply laid there in her bed, trying to sort out how she did feel, but she didn't feel anything. She wasn't even confused by what was happening, nor curious. It didn't scare her either, and the lack of emotion didn't cause her frustration. She simply opened her eyes and stood. She got dressed, her body not taking in the sensation of clean clothes being pulled over her flesh. She felt for her temperature, but her skin was too numb to take in whether she had a fever or not.

 

She strolled into the bathroom and found a thermometer, not panicked by any means. Thinking was easy to do now. Much easier than normal. But her mouth didn't take in the cold of the metallic thermometer, meaning that she could only watch the red liquid shift around as it slowly determined her temperature. She felt nothing where relief should have been when the thermometer showed nothing out of the ordinary. She cleaned it off and left the bathroom.

 

She stumbled as she stepped on an open tack, too late remembering her parents were changing the carpet in the hallway. She stood still, favoring a foot tenderly, not wanting to look at the wound inflicted. She forced herself to slowly glance down and lift her injured foot, taking in a small hole in the bottom of her foot, blood flowing slowly from the wound. She felt nothing. There was no pain, no panic, only her looking at a hole in her foot. She set her foot down tenderly and traveled back to the bathroom to clean the injury before it got infected. She took in that she could walk as if nothing had ever happened.

 

She soon finished cleaning her foot and seeing that it was almost three, she changed her clothes and got ready to ride today. She only had one horse to work on now, her young gray one. Her other horse, a chestnut-red gelding, was getting his shots today. She was still getting used to driving, but found that she could take the forty-minute drive without the normal feel of tension and fear within her. She could only take this in, discovering that she could not rejoice her lack of emotion. This was what she had wanted, her lacking emotion, but when had it happened? Why was it happening?

 

She arrived at the barn where her horse lived, tended to by professionals, and parked. Driving had been smooth as silk, but she ignored that fact. She should have been disturbed. She was supposed to not like this lack of emotion and be upset by it. Instead she felt nothing.

 

She tacked up her horse and rode him long and hard. Her skills seemed to have advanced much, and she was complimented as she un-tacked the gray horse. She treated her horse as she always did, feeding him treats and cuddling on him, but it wasn't the same. Somewhere she was a scared girl, outside, she was emotionless. She wanted to weep. She wanted the pain. If only to feel the joy riding brought along with its frustrations. If only to feel the love for her horse. She let the animal cool down and put him away, going to her car. She drove home slowly.

 

Later that night, after her parents had gone to bed, Kaya awoke and turned a light on. Her eyes felt no pain at the sudden bright light. She stood and locked the door, mind focused on one thing. She returned to her bed, wanting the pain. Sitting on her bed slowly, she took out a knife she had stolen. Without a second thought, she sliced deeply into her wrists, one at a time. Shakily she set the knife down and watched blood cascade down her wrists. She should have been afraid, disgusted, upset. She was stoic. There was no pain.

 

She turned off the light and laid down, not even feeling tired. Her body shivered, but her mind was secluded. There was no pain. There was no fear. After what seemed like an eternity, realization dawned. Then pain. It hit her so hard she wanted to scream. She silenced herself, and felt one more thing. Fear. Then she was stoic. There was once again, no pain.