Fan Fiction ❯ The Diary of Legolas Greenleaf ❯ Chapter 2

Uh- do I even have to say I don't own LotR? Oh, I do, don't I? Well, I JUST SAID IT!

Once again, this was inspired by the Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire and Bardvahalla. If you haven't read them than why are you still here? They're so much funnier than my stuff! The url is in the first chappie. GO READ EM! But uh- read mine too? Please?

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The Diary of Legolas Greenleaf

Part II

Day One

Run, run, run. All we do is run! Like frigging ants! My feet hurt like hell.

Aragorn always trying to get in front. Stupid human. ELVES CONQUER ALL!

Gimli always lagging behind. Ha ha. Stupid, ugly dwarf.

V. bored. Legs hurt. Getting hungry. Must keep an eye out for McDonalds.

Wait. We're in Middle-Earth. No McDonalds. Dammit!

Day Two

What else? Still running. Stupid super-orcs.

Aragorn says they are called Uruk-hai. Why? However, it is pointless arguing with him. Stupid Aragorn- we wouldn't be chasing some stupid midgets all over creation if it wasn't for him! Grrr.

Gimli STILL behind. Stupid, stupid, stupid slow dwarf. On pro side, don't have to look at his ugly face so much.

On con side, nifty little knives getting a bit on the tarnished side. Not so shiny anymore, and getting harder to pull out of holsters. If this keeps up they will be rusty and outdated v. soon. Poor knives. Must find some polish and dish soap. Dish soap actually v. good for this sort of thing, but supply was all used up during Moria. Hope we get to a village soon.

Day Three

Still running.

Day Four

Still running. Damn, how can big, ugly, disgusting things move so fast? Stupid Uruk-hai.

Day Five

Met up with a bunch of sweaty guys on horses. The smell was awful- almost as bad as Aragorn, aka Mr. What Is Soap? The man is absolutely filthy, I tell you.

Guy just got off horse. Ha ha! His hair is so fucked up.

Wait a sec! He's copying my hairstyle! OMG!

Aimed bow at the bastard and found myself about to be elf-kabob. Can I help it? I have a right to be angry! First the dwarves, and now this! EVERYONE JOCKS OFF THE ELVES, DAMMIT!

Aragorn being all nice to stupid human called Eomer. Big sicko flirt.

Eomer says they burned all the Uruk-hai. Heh. Stupid Uruk-hai. Hope they burned up the hobbits too. Stupid hobbits.

Sweaty horse guys going north. Thank goodness. Hopefully we won't see them again. Note to self- go south, no matter what Aragorn the walking flea condo says. V. seriously saw little black things jumping around in his hair yesterday. Will also have to stock up on bug spray.

Reached fire. Nasty, I tell you. Dead smelly Uruk-hai and Orcs absolutely everywhere. Smoke irritating nostrils v. badly.

Gimli found a little hobbit belt in the pile. How sad- not! Little fuckers deserved it. Making me run all the way across Amon Hen AND the Riddermark. Bastards.

Aragorn carrying on about hobbits lying down and tied up. Did not know Aragorn was into such things. Pervert.

Apparently hobbits escaped into Fangorn. Now we have to go tramping around in dark forest. Feels a lot like Mirkwood. Am getting homesick.

Oh, phoo! Stupid talking trees. Sound like large asthmatic oliphaunts.

Shit! Saruman coming. Hopefully I can pay the bastard back for the incident on Caradhras.

Tried to shoot Saruman but found it hard to aim. Bright, blinding white light will do that you. Dammit. Now is perfect time for cool little hunting knives. Saruman won't know what hit him.

What fresh hell?!? Gandalf! All sparkly white now. Obviously found a convinience store and picked up some bleach. Took a bath too. Hair is all smooth and shiny, and got rid of ridiculous flappy hat. Hope he also ditched the thongs. *shudder* Still insists on wearing long flowing dress, and is also still fixed on monochromatic look. Ah well, we can't all be perfect like the Mirkwood elves, now can we?

Gandalf has seen Merry and Pippin and says we don't have to chase them anymore. Hallelujah! Although was looking forward to killing the little bitches when we caught up with them.

Terrific. Just terrific. Edoras, Gandalf? EDORAS! For crying out loud, we passed that almost three days ago! You could have showed up then and saved us a lot of trouble! Stupid old bag. Perhaps will put hunting knives to use after all…..

Day Six

Out of Fangorn. No more creepy talking trees. Miss Mirkwood v. much.

I didn't know Gandalf could whistle like that. Maybe being reincarnated does that to you.

Wow. V. cool-looking horse headed this way. One of the Meari- Merra- aw hell, I can't spell it.

What the hell? How come Gandalf gets the cool horse and I have to ride double with the stupid dwarf! Am v. sore about all this. Never liked riding horses anyway. Makes me v. bow-legged for hours afterwards.

At least I don't have to ride with Aragorn, who smells worse than pile of dead, putrid, smoking Uruk-hai. Hopefully seeing Gandalf so refreshed and energetic will knock some sense into the slob. If not, little knives have another victim lined up -if I can stand to get close enough to use them.

Have just figured out how Aragorn kills all those Uruk-hai. They get within five feet and drop from the stench. Can't really blame them- sometimes I want to do the same thing.

Day Nine

Just reached Edoras. Rustic place. Wood buildings, thatched roofs- geez, these people need to learn how to live!

Everyone staring at us. Probably admiring my elven majesticy. I feel like a god among insects. They are to be pitied.

Guard says we cannot come before Theoden king so armed. Does everyone here have "eo" in their names? Good lord.

Have to hand over cool new Stealth Attack V bow. If these idiots mess up my bow-

Oh no. You bastards are NOT getting my knives! Not over my dead body, fuckers! I'll kill you all first, you hear me! All of you!

Stupid Gandalf made me hand over cool little knives. I swear, if those bitches even THINK about using them, I'll castrate every one of them! Meh. When I get those back, Gandalf will be the first to go…..

Inside Golden Hall. The great "King Theoden" is some drooly, wrinkly old fart! Damn. Was hoping to at least have someone decent to kick around.

Ugh. Little slimy dude with no eyebrows and greasy hair is taking charge. Reminds me of a newt. Also has large mole where left eyebrow should be. Anyone can see he's a huge kiss-up. Makes me sick just looking at him.

Beat up a bunch of guards while Gandalf did his little excorsism thing. Theoden lost about thirty years. Some blonde whore is all worried about him. Bad ideas creeping into mind. Dammit. Need distraction.

Got bow and knives back from guards. Found a scratch on one of the knife handles. Tried to kill guard but Aragorn caught me. Bastard must have a death wish. No one, I repeat, NO one, fucks around with my knives! These assholes had better get that straight!

Day Thirteen

Off to Helms Deep. Theoden is a chickenshit. Gandalf left, also being chicken. Meh. Big sucky babies. Now we are marching, marching, marching v. slowly. Feet all sore, need to find some hot springs and soak them for a while.

In good news, found dish soap! Knives all bright and clean. Goody. Maybe if I had a gas mask I could sneak up on Aragorn- heh heh.

Eowyn is a tremendous flirt. Hangs on Aragorn's every word. Perhaps she has no sense of smell. This may work to my advantage. If Aragorn hooks up with Eowyn, then Arwen is single…. still find it rather unfair that Aragorn has two girls fawning all over him when he bathes once every ten years or so. V. v. v. unfair. Maybe I will go somewhere and sulk for a while.

This is too rich. Gimli is hitting on Eowyn and fell off his horse. BWA HA HA! Stupid, stupid dwarf.

Eowyn all posing and showing off for Aragorn, the slut. Disgusting. They deserve each other.

Went ahead of group to sulk in private and saw about thirty-odd Orcs headed this way. Everyone else totally oblivious. Where would these people be without me?

Shot a few Orcs and made spectacular leap onto random horse. Turned out to be Gimli's. Ick.

Killed twelve Orcs. Gimli killed only seven. Elves rule!

Yes! Aragorn fell off cliff! Great ending to a great day. Plus I found Arwen's necklace and kept it. Heh. Stupid Aragorn.

Day Fourteen

Reached Helms Deep. Eowyn and Gimli all broken up over Aragorn. Get over it! Whores.

Arwen really has v. pretty necklace. V. shiny, despite Aragorn's dirty, bloody fingers being all over it.

Washed necklace with dish soap. Now all sparkly clean. Go me!

Day Fifteen

Damn! Aragorn showed up. Bastard should be dead, dammit!

Whatever. Have new plan to murder him now. Will get in his inner circle and strike when he least expects it. Acted all friendly-like, giving him necklace back. He won't have it for long though….

Really, I can't believe it. The man falls into a river and he still can't get clean? And were those horse hickeys on his neck?

That settles it. Aragorn is a useless, slobbish, filthy, gay, perverted freak who would do it with anyone. Must be v. careful not to say the wrong thing around him, as he may take it another way. Am feeling suddenly protective of my elfhood.

Eowyn on the other hand is all smiles and giggles again. Showy bitch.

In other news, Aragorn claims insane number of Uruk-hai headed here and will be here by nightfall. We are in v. v. v. deep shit.

Day Fifteen, at Nightfall

As if things couldn't get worse, Haldir shows up with two hundred or so "warriors". Stupid wannabe wood elves! Come prancing in showing off their bows. Ha! They all have stupid outdated Tracker III models. I have a Stealth Attack V!

Aragorn goes and hugs Haldir, confirming my conclusion. Gay freak. Bet he dies a virgin.

Day Fifteen, Later at Nightfall

Holy shit. Aragorn was not kidding. That is one fucking big army.

Great. Raining. Bow at the ready. Wonder if Arwen would be sad if I die?

Hope so.

Shooting, shooting, shooting. Uruk-hai putting up ladders. Lothlorien elves big nancy show-offs. Flaunting curvy but deadly swords. Bet they don't have cool little knives!

Gimli has five axes. Stupid dwarf. If he learned how to shoot arrows he wouldn't need so many axes!

One hell of a big explosion. Why bombs, Saruman? Why did it have to be bombs, dammit!

Uruk-hai absolutely pouring in. We are so screwed.

Well, there's one good thing. Haldir just kicked it. Died in Aragorn's arms. Both of them are perverty gay bastards. At least Aragorn didn't kiss him.

Ha! Watched from Deeping Wall. Aragorn tossed Gimli onto causeway. Stupid dwarf thinks I can't see him. Elf eyes RULE!

Day Sixteen

Been fighting all night and NOW Gandalf shows up?!? With pony-boy Eomer, no less! Old bastard. Just wanted to make a big entrance, I bet. With whole bunch of sweaty horse lovers. Trying to act all savior-like. Fuckers, the whole bunch of them. Probably had some all-night orgy or something disgusting like that.

In other news, neither Aragorn or Gimli died. Damn. There will be other chances, though, and I'll be there to see them.

Gandalf says our hope lies with two little hobbits. Two stupid midgets is more like it. Tiny gay bastards probably going around in circles in Emyn Muil or something. Horny freaks. Now everything depends on them.

………….. We are so screwed.

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Once again, please review!