Fan Fiction ❯ The Journal of Rouge laFleur ❯ Entries 1 ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Dear Journal,
My hopes of reaching a new life seems so far away. I will pray a while longer I just wish, that my sanity remains intact. My mother and father think I’m going through a chapter. My grandfather says I’m just demon’s offspring. Is it so wrong? My grandmother says I’m ill. Is it so unethical? Why must no one speak of it? Am I really a deficiency? I must be something terrible for my very blood to treat me so immoral. Aren’t we supposed to live unjudged?

Dear Journal,
My hearts as if millions of winged beast have flown within me! I saw a young man as beautiful as Adonis, neigh he would make Adonis melt! Hair as scarlet as blood, eyes like fierce emerald, and a body carved by the gods! My heart succumbed to a puddle at the very sight of him! He even spoke to me! His voice was like the most beautiful of Mozart’s pieces! Deep, flowing, and gorgeous! He was perfect! He was even intellectual! He went to the finest schools in the world; his family had money.
Sadly I am forced to face the fact that he would never see me as I see him. My short chestnut hair and cheerless, deep violet eyes are nothing to him; he lives not in a sin as I do. I am reminded of this every day. Yet, I am a friend to him. He has confided in me many things, just in the hours of our meeting. He sees me as one to trust. He says my eyes are something he knows and believes are something he is able to entrust in. At the very least I am that to him. A trusted friend. He knew me only for five hours, but he quickly found me as reliable and trustworthy.
That’s enough for me. I am to see him tomorrow as well. He and I have formed a bond, but alas I can never let him know of my secrets and my sins. He would surly flee from my side. His name I will share with you for I know you will never tell. His name is Amadeo Leoncourt. His name means “Love of God”! The gods themselves blessed him! How much more can I say of his flawlessness?
My father saw me speaking to him; he beat me. He beat me to the point of near death, but I will remain loyal to my new love and my dear friend. I will see him tomorrow. I am surprised I have found strength to even write this. My strength is waning even as I write! But I must tell you! I must let you know of him!
Dear Journal,
Oh, since these past days I have met Amadeo, I have felt as if I’ve been living a dream! Like heaven has finally heard me! He has the kindest most considerate heart you can ever imagine! He spends most of his time in an orphanage taking care of the children and giving them toys and clothes! How compassionate can one be?
And he is simply godly! But you know that already! For he is all I can speak of! He is the is the lemon in my tea, my cream in my coffee! I without him have nothing! I need him! But like I said…I am but a mere friend. Never to be anything more than thus. Oh, but how I now pray! God has finally heard me! He gave me an answer in Amadeo! He has told me it is okay to follow your heart! But alas! What if this is temptation? What if Beelzebub has answered instead? What if he has sent Amadeo to tempt me in further to my sin? Should I fall? Should I follow my heart? Fall into sin? Or be forever lost without Amadeo? My mind races with so many thoughts.
But all this I confide in within you my dear friend. My friend that has never judged me or ridiculed me in anyway. To you I can tell all, but will you break my trust? That I can only trust you not to tell.
Amadeo told me “There is no sin like a lie. For in sin you must lie, and lying is always the first sin.”
“What if you must lie?” I asked.
“Then you must be forced to live in sin,” he said.
“But what if one must lie in order to save ones life?” I asked.
“In that sort of circumstance, then lying is reasonable, but still a dire sin that one must repent of afterwards.” he said.
My entire life is a lie. Does that mean that I am forever to live in sin? Or will I eventually be free of all this? Will someone tell me that following my heart is not a sin!? Will someone tell me why God has made me with the only intention of being hurt and forever to never find love? Is it so wrong to follow your heart? Why must I be so lost!?
I must stop here before my tears wet the pages, or my father walks in. Goodnight my dear friend.
Dear Journal,
I asked Amadeo a tremendous question! I asked him if it is okay to follow ones heart, despite how much of a sin it will be to do so? And he said, “Following ones heart is never a sin. I believe not following your heart should be. Many die simply because they could not be with the one they love, or doing what they love. Why do you ask? Is the one you love far from reach?”
“Many have told me the one I love is. They say it is a sin to love this person. Don’t get me wrong, this person is the most prudent, courageous, charitable, hopeful, faithful, just, temperate person I have ever met, but still my loving this person remains a sin.” I told him. He pondered this for a while, then he spoke.
“How is it a sin? Love is love. Love is never wrong unless one loves himself tremendously or loves the hurt and pain of others or themselves. Love can never be wrong. How is your love of whoever it is a sin?”
“Of that I cannot tell you for you are far to dear a friend to lose for such repulsive thing.”
“How is loving one repulsive?”
“It is in many ways.”
“No, loving one can never be repulsive.”
“But than why are so many killed and beaten and disowned for loving the wrong sort!?”
“There is never a wrong sort as long as one loves.”
“But why then? Can you answer me that?”
“People just fear what they do not understand. Fear leads to many things and one is hate and anger. Now what is so dreadful about your love?”
“I…”
“Well?”
“ I have found that I prefer the love of those of my same gender…” I was afraid, but I said.
“I see. Now what is wrong of that?”
“My family believes it’s disgusting. They look upon me as something foul. My mother insist it is just a phase, whereas my father takes on more…physical means of showing me this is wrong. My grandparents just insult me day in and day out without out any regard for my feelings. They are a constant reminder of why I have grown to hate the life I was born into.”
“How cruel! My family have always raised me to believe that love is valuable as long as it’s pure, but how can people who say that your love is impure when they tell and do such cruel things to you!?”
“I’m not sure…” I said looking away. He then grabbed my chin and gently kissed my forehead.
“You and I come from such different parentage. I was taught to accept and cherish everyone for who they are inside. I was also taught that love is love no matter what form it takes. What I see from your life is you were taught to fear and live in secrets and shadows. Most likely to not think highly of yourself as well. Am I right?”
“Very.”
“I am late for a meeting, but I will leave you with this, you are a very beautiful man, and anyone who can’t accept you is most unworthy of your presence, beauty, your words, or home.” he said then kissed my cheek and left.
Can you believe that?! He said I was beautiful! He even kissed me twice! I almost melted. He asked me to meet him at his home. His parents are very curious where he has been lately. I feel so nervous, but why? He nor I have confessed a love for the other, but yet I feel so anxious!
Dear Journal,
This has by far been the best day of my life! Around eight or so, I went with Amadeo to meet his parents. His parents are heavenly. So kind and caring. So very polite. They greeted me as soon as they saw me. “Why hello Rouge! What a lovely name! You know red is the color of love and passion. In some cultures also a color of life.” his mother said.
“Yes, but it’s also a color of death in ours.” I said.
“That is true, but there is also life after death.” his father said. My first thought when he answered me with that was, ‘These people are extremely positive!’
“Rouge, Amadeo has told me so much things about you. That you love to ask questions and are very curious. Also that your family does not show very much compassion with your ideals and emotions. Amadeo has the greatest, utmost respect for you. You are his first true friend in a very long time. You have not done anything to break his trust and he cares for you very much. He worries about you. He’s scared that something might happen to hurt you, emotionally as well as physically. I have to say that from what I understand of your home life your family isn’t very kind to you.” his mother said.
“I wasn’t aware that he spoke of me. In fact, I’m very surprised that anyone would want to talk about me.” I said without thinking and looked up at Amadeo who looked hurt and confused.
“And why is that?” his father asked me.
“I’m not very significant. I am very expendable. My life matters very little. I never have thought my self worth anything. Not even worthy of a glance. Which surprised me that your son actually took notice of me. I personally thought that I’d be forever overlooked and ignored. I have very little to live for. Save my friendship with Amadeo. Up until now my friendship with him has been the only thing that has saved me from my own hands. I had actually planned on taking my life the day after I met your son, but since I did meet him my plan was temporarily diverted. Only the day after because I intended on getting things sorted out.”
“Why would you turn to such an unpleasant thing?” his father asked.
“My family despises me and what I feel. I had no friends to speak of, except my journal, there was none I could trust, many people ignored me and I was looked down upon and hated by many for simply trying to do things I know are right. How could one possibly live knowing that they had no one? Knowing that you’ll forever be alone and hated? Knowing that your own blood wants you gone? There was no way I could let myself breath knowing that my own breath is cursed!” I said close to tears.
“But you met my son and finally weren’t alone. You could speak to him.” his mother said, her eyes full of hope.
“Yes. I was afraid of getting too close to anyone, but somehow he broke through the thick ice that had my heart incased. He is a very kind person, but I feel hurt all the same.” I said and looked off not wanting to face him.
“What do you mean?” his father asked.
“I know I’m not the only one that he has helped. I feel like just another person lucky enough to meet him. I’m just another damaged person he saved. That’s why it hurts. He’s caring. It’s what he does. You do know that his friendship with me won’t last right? He’ll eventually leave me when I’m well and be forever forgotten and he’ll find another sad soul to help. If that doesn’t happen, I am sure that I will find myself in another plain of sorrow. I am not meant to be happy. God created me with no intention of ever finding joy. My heart craves the love of someone that could never love me. I am meant to suffer. Never once in my life had I ever been truly happy. Only when I met your son. He gave me the most joy I had ever had, and only because he listens and cares how people feel. Not how I feel, but how everyone feels. I’m just a small irrelevant speck in his life that he is trying to help. Like I said if I were to die no one would care or notice. He probably would be with a clean conscience because he tried to help me and he’ll be satisfied with that. I…I’m not important enough for anyone to be bereaved about. I’m not worth mentioning…”I said and fought back tears I felt wanting to break free.
“You have such a gloomy and morbid disposition on life. Your life to be more accurate.” his mother said with such a heavy look in her eyes.
“I have nothing else, I can find pain in the most joyous of things. Christmas marks the birthday of Jesus Christ, whom died for our sins. It is the birth of someone that died! Not only that imagine the poor child besides the Lord that was born that same day. In all that excitement and festivities the child’s birthday is sure to go missed and unnoticed. Or that the child is forced to have his birth celebrated later or earlier than that of their true birthday. Or Valentines! Imagine how those, like myself, feel on such a day!? Outcasted! Tossed aside! To be forced to see a day where lovers and loved ones are together to celebrate love! Something that I have felt but never in return! To see people in love and to know that I can never be loved!? Holidays every single one of them are loathed by me because of what they represent and signify! I never had one holiday where I had not cried!” I said finally letting myself cry at the end.
“Why is it so hard for you to find love?” his father asked.
“I prefer not to say, for fear that I’d loose whatever respect I had not already lost from you.” I said with my head hung low in shame of my outburst at these people I had just met. I couldn’t help it. I had so much inside, these people have brought out so many trapped feelings. I had to let out! I was also terrified to look Amadeo in the eyes. I had said such mean things about him. When all he wanted to do was help, but that’s it isn’t it? He just wants to help me, nothing more.
“You have not lost any respect from us. We know that you are just stating you opinion and letting your emotions out. You need this. You have probably had all of this bottled for so long. It’s a surprise you hadn’t tried to take your life sooner. You have so much pain inside. You see Amadeo’s father and I like to help and speak to people that need it. We may not be doctors but we most certainly have helped people. Not only that Rouge, Amadeo has never spoken about you like just someone he’s helping, if anything he has spoken about you with so much admiration, empathy, and…to be entirely honest, and I know you’ll be embarrassed with me saying this Amadeo, but he has spoken about you with the most affection I have ever heard in his voice. He cares about you very much. He just wants you to be happy Rouge. Right now you’re the only one he speaks of. You have brought him so much more than you could imagine. You see he too before he met you had began loosing his view of life. He began feeling manipulated by his friends and that his once cherish life was beginning to become dull and not worthwhile. For some reason when he saw you, he saw everything he had bottled up. You see everyone, even us, have a few pains and doubts. We just cope with it differently than most.” his mother said. I looked up to Amadeo who was looking off to the side, but even with him looking away a blush was clearly visible. I couldn’t help, but smile. He did care about me. Everything his mother had said was true.
“So may you please tell us this secret that you’re afraid of telling us?” is father asked.
“I have discovered that I crave the affection of those of my same gender. I understand if you wish to insult me or something similar of that nature.” I said ready for anything.
“Oh! We wont say anything cruel about that! It doesn’t bother us in the least!” his mother said almost laughing.
“I was more worried that your family had threatened everyone who had gone to convene with you.” his father said heartily.
“Rouge, there is something I wish to show you, if you do not mind mother, father.” Amadeo said standing.
“No, not at all.” his mother said smiling. Then Amadeo tenderly grabbed my hand and led me toward his backyard. It was beautiful!! I thought I had paradise right before me. Vines of all sorts crawling up fences and the house and bushes of berries and flowers and trees of many varieties. Roses, lavenders, and free-me-freesia scents filled the air. It was extraordinarily green and lush. So many flowers and fruits covered the yard. It was unquestionably a rendition of the Garden of Eden.
“Do you like it Rouge?” he whispered into my ear, as to not break the tender silence too harshly.
“I most certainly do.” I said in awe.
“I did all by myself. I needed to feel required. So I began a garden. It was difficult to get most of the seeds, but I managed. I am so glad you like it. I have never let anyone but my parents see it or get near it, but I want to share it with you.” he said sheepishly. I couldn’t help but smile when he was shy. It just made him even more attractive to me.
“Amadeo, why are you acting bashful all of a sudden?” I said wanting to see how shy he could get.
“I well…it’s just…I” he stuttered. I began to feel somehow braver and did one thing I never ever thought I would do. I gently grabbed his cheek and kissed softly on his lips. He didn’t push me or kiss me back, so I decided to kiss him a little deeper. He slowly let his hands rest on me. His right on my waist and his left behind my head. He deepened the kiss with me and softly began laying me on the soft, luxuriant grass. He let one hand travel beneath my shirt and felt my body. I was so lost in insane ecstasy. He then broke the kiss so we could get air, and then he began nibbling on my neck and kissing it every so often. I just wanted him to be with me forever. My only thoughts were of him! How his touches were like a flame on my body!
“Uh-hm!” a voice cleared its throat. Our eyes quickly darted toward the door. His mother stood there with a look that was saying “Children what can you do with them?” on her face. I couldn’t help but blush intensely. Apparently neither could Amadeo. “Dinner will be ready soon,” she said as soon as we detangled ourselves from each other.
“Rouge, was I…was I the person you spoke of? The one that you kept saying that could never love you?” he asked in a frightened voice.
“Yes. Why? You sound nervous.”
“I was afraid that I wasn’t who you spoke of. I had loved you since the moment I saw you. So sad and beautiful. I would have been torn if I wasn’t the one. More than ever after what had just happened. I would never share something like that with someone who didn’t love me,” he said looking at me directly into my eyes. “You praise me far too much. I have flaws. There are things about me my family doesn’t even know, but I will speak to you of those matters where the wind can’t catch my words, but for now I just wish to hold you and forget about worries.” he said and I let myself nestle into his arms.
The rest of the night went perfectly. I learned more of Amadeo’s parents. Also Amadeo and my relationship was even more powerful than it previously was. If only I didn’t have to return home. I just love being in his arms. Where I feel safe and at peace. I was for once with someone, and he loves me! Maybe I can finally find peace!
Dear Journal,
My life until a while ago was a nightmare, but now it seems a dream. When I’m with him it’s like a dream, and when I go home it’s like leaving dream and stepping into an endless nightmare. I feel as though I’m living two lives. One where I am accepted and loved, the other where I am despised and unsolicited. It is so odd. How during the day and well into night I am wanted and cared for. As for the morning and the rest of the night I am worth compost. If only I could forever stay in the dream. Amadeo says that we should be thankful to have each other and cherish our time together. I am torn though. Tomorrow he is to leave to Canterbury, England for business. How I’ll miss him! He will be gone for five days. I do not think I could possibly last without him! I hope he arrives back safely.
Dear Journal,
This has to be by far the worst day of my life! My father found out about my relationship with Amadeo!! He beat me a million times worse than he had ever beaten me. I am surprised I had enough strength to run out of the house before he killed me! I managed to run to Amadeo’s home. His parents took care of me and mended my wounds. Thanks to them I have you in my hands. I had asked Amadeo’s father to retrieve you and some of my clothes. He looked furious when he came back. He said my father is very discourteous. I think he hurt my father, but at the moment I could care less. Amadeo’s mother said I can live with them now. That is the only good thing that has come from this day.
Earlier ,I got a letter from Amadeo saying that he might be returning later than expected. It said that he was having complications with his assignment. I wish I knew what he was talking about! Every time he is going to tell me about his work something happens! We always seems to be getting interrupted! Or something comes up. I wish I knew why he had to leave. Everything’s falling apart for me!! He was my hope and light. When he was around nothing seemed to go wrong, or at least terribly wrong. How I miss him!! I wish he would return.
My wounds are starting to really bother me. I should rest and write tomorrow. Maybe things will get better.
Dear Journal,
Things have been so much more…odd, I believe that is the only word to describe it. Nicolas, Amadeo’s father, and a family friend of theirs, had gotten all my belongings from my parent’s house and brought them here. Apparently, now I am officially living with them. Marion, Amadeo’s mother, was so ecstatic when they decided that I would be living with them. Notice they decided. I had absolutely no say in the matter. But it matters little anyway. I am far from the hell, now if only my love returned. I miss him dreadfully. I feel so empty and utterly alone without him near.