Fan Fiction ❯ The Way Love Grows ❯ A Rose With Thorns ( Chapter 3 )

A Rose with Thorns

Takamiya was affectionate but distant next morning as if he had something on his mind.

More than ever, I wanted to do well on my test to show that Aoe Reiji he was wrong about me, so despite my uncertainties about Takamiya's state of mind, I was able to concentrate on my work.

I took my first final on Tuesday. I felt I did well, but didn't know for sure, and would probably only find out when the grades were finally posted. I studied non-stop for the next final, which I took on Wednesday afternoon.

I felt very optimistic about my performance. All of it multiple choice, true and false, fill in the blank with nary an essay question in sight. Just the kind of test I do best at. I felt pretty good about Fundamentals of Computer Programming now. The last final was on Saturday morning. I had two more days to study. It might mean the difference between a C and a B. I decided to study.

Takamiya had been quiet all week. It nagged at me, but I chose to chalk it up to consideration. He was a very considerate guy after all, but it was way too quiet when my alarm clock went off Thursday morning. I felt a vague sense of unease as I silenced the buzzer and realized that all of the usual reassuring morning sounds that greeted me almost every day were absent. There was no muffled click of the keyboard from Takamiya's study, no hiss of water from the shower spigot, no sound of roiling water from the electric tea kettle.

Maybe Takamiya had fallen asleep at his desk. It wouldn't be the first time, I reminded myself as I walked to the study, but he wasn't there and my brow furrowed. From time to time, he went out for a walk for a copy of the morning paper, and perhaps that accounted for his absence. I looked for clues on his work desk, a scribbled note for me, or at least some indication of where he had gone.

I checked the calendar and saw he had sectioned off a two week block that coincided with our two weeks of "no sex". He had exed off the days from last week with bold red magic marker.

I smiled. So, he was just counting down the days, probably already planning what he would do with me, when exams were over. That gave me a warm feeling. But he hadn't crossed off yesterday. Hmmm.

Then I looked closer at the calendar square where he'd written his to-do list for today. Maybe that would explain where he'd gone. The words Love Hotel were penciled in with a question mark and crossed out. Call Reiji, was his second to-do. The third note was "B.B. Make reservation today."

B. B?! I felt ill. That stood for Blue Boy!!! That infamous homosexual date club run by that perpetual pain in my ass, Takamiya's closest friend, Aoe Reiji.

Aoe Reiji! That devil! All of a sudden the words he'd said to Takamiya last Saturday night came back to haunt me.

"If the brat refuses to pony up and your balls turn blue, just call Blue Boy for a reservation and I will make sure that Blue Boy's Izumi is reserved for you. Discretion guaranteed,"

"Oh, that fucker is trying to get Takamiya to dump me," I said. "That Aoe never liked me!"

I was straight before I met Takamiya, and it was all the fault of that date club that I turned gay. Well, that and Takamiya.

"And why would Takamiya have written Love Hotel on his calendar as something to do today? I hated being suspicious like this, but he had been distant since Saturday night. Hadn't even hugged me. Maybe he stopped hugging me, because it had just frustrated him and left him wanting more of what I woudn't give him.

I thought back to what he'd said the week before. He'd promised not to bother me and he'd kept his promise. I had taken that to mean that he would go without sex, but now I realized that he hadn't promised not to bother somebody else. What other reason could there be for him to make a reservation at the Blue Boy Club? My mind overflowed with questions, and all the answers made me feel sick to my stomach.

Was he looking for a part-time lover on the side because I denied him? Was he going to hire that prostitute from Blue Boy because of my refusal to meet his sexual needs?

What if he was going to take the prostitute to the love hotel? What if he had decided that Blue Boy's Izumi would suit him better?

"How could I have been so stupid!" I exclaimed.

I was horrified by the idea, but not completely surprised. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have cut him off like that. I had been too selfish. I knew how highly sexed he was, so what else was I expecting?

"Well, he could have waited. He could have been a little more patient," I said to myself.

A little patience. That's all I'd asked for, just two weeks, but two weeks for Takamiya? Maybe I had asked too much of him. But if he couldn't hold out, he should have told me, not just made plans without giving me a chance to make it up to him.

Then I probably should have told him that I loved him, but I was so stingy with the words and now it was too late. I did love him, but what if I'd pushed him away? Now that I thought about it, I had-- I had pushed him away, and all for what? Good grades? They seemed like a waste of time right now.

"I've lost him. I've lost Takamiya!"

I felt as though an abyss had opened at my feet.

How stupid was I to try to curb a sex drive as strong as Takamiya's? If I was driving him into the arms of a prostitute, pretty damned stupid. I could have kicked myself. Now I knew why Aoe Reiji couldn't understand Takamiya settling for someone like me. I always called Aoe an asshole or a jerk, but I was the asshole. I was the jerk!

Takamiya must be bored with me. I knew I was nothing special in bed, always embarrassed and ashamed when he tried new things. He was probably sick of me. He put up with me as long as he could, but then my coldness pushed him away. I don't know why he ever said he loved me. I didn't deserve him, but even so, I still didn't want to lose him. I loved him so much, and I yet I hardly ever told him or showed him. He kept pressing forward and I kept shoving him away.

I sighed and looked at the clock. I had planned to go to the university library to study, but my nerves were shot. Takamiya told me he loved me only last week, but isn't that what lovers say in the movies say just before they dump the second banana for the star? And Blue Boy's Izumi-- I knew only too well how pale I must seem in comparison.

I felt heart-sick. Takamiya was gone. Gone for the day? Gone for good? Gone off to make love with that other Izumi and he'd never come back to me.

While I was showering, I tried not to think about Takamiya, so of course that was all that I did think about. And it wasn't about what Takamiya and I did together. I thought of Takamiya with that other Izumi doing what he did with me and I got more and more depressed. Anyone was a better lover than I was, as shy and inexperienced as I was.

Maybe he was setting up a date right that. Maybe having sex with him this very minute. Or what if they had sex right here in the apartment while I was off at school? Or went to a love hotel? I felt terrible.

When I was almost dressed, I heard footsteps on the stairs. The door of the apartment opened and Takamiya stepped in with a package in his hands and a smile on his face. He put the package on the hall table.

"I was hoping I'd make it home before you left!" he said a little breathlessly and pulled me into a hug.

I was all but stiff as a board in his arms, I was so unhappy, upset, and resentful.

"What's the matter, Izumi?" he asked me with concern.

"The calendar!" I declared.

"Calendar?"

"The one in your room, Takamiya. I saw the calendar in your room. Where were you?" I demanded.

I can hardly believe how angry I sounded.

His face scrunched up.

"I was looking into making a reservation."

Shit! He was coming right out with it, going to throw it in my face.

"At the love hotel?!" I spat out the words.

Had he no sense of decency at all?

"I was going to talk to you about it first, Izumi," Takamiya said calmly. "No need to be so upset."

"What?!" I snapped.

"Well, about the love hotel. After I thought about it, I realized you probably wouldn't like it and that's when I came up with the other idea."

"You thought I'd like the idea of you at that Blue Boy place better?!!!"

He couldn't have missed how upset I sounded.

"Blue Boy?"

He sounded confused.

"I saw it on your calendar! BB! The Blue Boy Club!"

"You thought I was going to the Blue Boy?

"Don't lie to me!" I declared. "I saw it on your calendar!"

"I'm not lying, but now I understand why you're so upset," Takamiya said. "If you thought BB stood for the Blue Boy Club. I can see why you might be upset at the idea of using one of their private rooms, but credit me with some sensitivity. I know Reiji rubs you the wrong way, Izumi. That's why I was toying with the idea of a Love Hotel."

"Love hotel?!" I was more incensed than ever.

"Don't be angry with me, Izumi, it's just that I want to be with you in the worst way…"

"You want to be with me?" I repeated as my thought processes slowed to a standstill and Takamiya's sped up.

"I know you've never liked love hotels, Izumi, so I thought of a better idea. BB doesn't stand for Blue Boy, Izumi."

"It doesn't?"

My mind moved like cold molasses as what he said finally penetrated my thick skull.

You want to be with me…?"I repeated.

My voice trailed off, as my misplaced anger withered and I waited for further clarification before making an even bigger fool out of myself.

"BB stands for Bed and Breakfast."

"Ah?" I encouraged him cautiously.

"I wanted to take you with me to England to celebrate when you finish your classes this semester. I thought maybe we could stay at a bed and breakfast there--just the two of us, kind of like a honeymoon. There's such a nice one, just outside of Oxford. I know you'd like it, so I wanted to make a reservation, but I have to ask you first. You might want to make other plans, after all."

"Bed and breakfast," I repeated, and shook my head at my own folly. "I'm such an idiot!"

"No, you're not, Izumi," he said.

I heaved a sigh of relief and threw my arms fervently around him. "I love you, Takamiya!"

"Shall I take that as a yes, then?" he asked with a dazzling smile.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

He hugged me back and looked so kind, so handsome, and so very irresistible that I leaned up to claim a kiss, but to my surprise, he pulled away. And I didn't like it. I wanted his kiss. Now I had a slight idea of how Takamiya had felt all week. He must love me a lot to put up with my behavior.

"Don't tempt me, Izumi," he said. "I'm trying so hard to be good. Even just a little kiss and I don't think I could control myself."

He said he wanted me, but the doubts that lingered in my mind would give me no rest.

"I'm sorry, Takamiya. I shouldn't have denied you. I don't want to force you into the arms of another man. .Promise me you won't go to that other Izumi. He could never love you as much as I do. "

My voice sounded so high and tight when I said those words, it was all I could do to get them out.

Takamiya shook his head as he tried to take in what I'd said.

"Where did you get the idea I would want to be with B and B's Izumi?" he asked and then paused, sighed and said with some concern, "Oh, you overheard Aoe talking-"

I nodded.

"How much did you hear?"

"Everything."

"Including the part about a new lover every night?"

I nodded and blurted out, "You don't have AIDs, do you?"

It happened so fast and took me by surprise because as long as I've been with Takamiya, I've never seen him cry, but all of a sudden he was standing there with tears in his eyes.. What was the matter with him? Was he sick?

I was very scared and it must have showed.

"No, I don't have AIDs, Izumi," he finally said in a muffled voice.

So why was he crying?

"Then some other disease?" I said with fear in my voice.

"No," he said softly as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

It hurt me to see my lover in pain. I reached out a hand to his shoulder.

"What's the matter, Takamiya?"

He couldn't answer.

I slid my arms around his waist.

"Tell me," I urged him softly.

"Don't you know?" he asked his voice breaking.

I hugged him. He hugged me back and looked down in to my eyes.

" Don't you know yet, thatI would never do anything to hurt you," he said through tears.

And then it hit me. Just what I'd accused him of. I'd accused him of not loving me, but I was the one….I was the one who….

"I'm sorry., so sorry, Takamiya," I burst out earnestly, blinking back my own brimming tears. "I keep hurting you and I don't want to."

"Forgive me, please, forgive me, " I said over and over until he took my lips with his and silenced me with a kiss that eased my breaking heart.

I lost track of time as we kissed but when we stopped, still we stood together locked in a comfortable embrace now that the tension between us had eased.

"It's all right, Izumi," he whispered. "I'm all right. I was careful. My past is past. I've let it go. I live for you now, Izumi. Believe me when I say I love you. Do you think I'm going to leave you or stop loving you if you say no to me?"

"Maybe," I said quietly.

He hesitated like he was looking for the right words to say, and then continued, "It has been hard for me to have to wait to kiss you, to make love to you again. My hunger for you is a measure of my love, I think, but I want you to know that as much as I want you to be with you, I believe you're worth waiting for."

"For real?" I asked.

"For real," he said with shining eyes.

This guy. He always knows what to say to make me happy again.