Fan Fiction ❯ The Weasel, The Worm, And The Snake ❯ The Weasel, The Worm, And The Snake ( One-Shot )

WARNING: Contains disturbing scenes of the Death Eaters in various items of pink clothing. Proceed with caution.

 

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing in here. Nothing but the plot and the three courageous “newspaper women.”. Not the song, not the characters, nothing. We're poor, pathetic, and broke. But we're happy. And slightly intoxicated, I think….

 

A note from Li Celestia, Adara-chan, and Ava Marie: Okay, so….we have just finished reading the sixth Harry Potter book, and we were so angry that we decided to write this little one-shot fic, thereby turning Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Percy Weasley into pathetic little nancy boys! The plot—please forgive my EXTREMELY loose interpretation of the word “plot”—is this….

 

PLOT: Lucius (a.k.a. Lucy) Severus, (a.k.a. Savvy), and Percy (a.k.a. Pricilla who joined the Death Eaters because he figured Voldemort wouldn't care that he looked like a total loser and was wearing glasses that went out of style in the early 1920s) have deserted the Death Eaters because they were tired of being yelled at every time they accidentally misaimed a curse and killed one of their own. They have opened up an antique shop in Little Hangleton and are doing very well in their little business, but Voldemort is not happy. For one thing, the three wouldn't give him a good price on an antique desk and a wardrobe from the 1800s, and for another he was embarrassed at the thought of his lapdogs turning…well…weird. He has long since fallen from power, but he wants his old glory back, and he is having secret meetings with his three Death Eaters. So a team of investigators was sent from Hogwarts, disguised as people who worked at a newspaper office, to work undercover by becoming important customers in the antique shop. This is what they learned.

 

(ENTER STORY)

 

The Weasel, the Worm, and the Snake

 

Adara, Ava, and Li. By day, three ordinary newspaperwomen. By night, three ordinary newspaperwomen on a bus. Talking dirty. And buying antiques, while talking dirty. The three got off the local bus on a dark, humid night in Little Hangleton. They were all wearing their “detective clothes”—in other words, they were dressing the way the detectives dressed in really old black-and-white movies. Li even had a cigar. ((I dunno, she just seems the type. Don't worry, she's clean. She doesn't smoke.…or do anything….SHE'S FRIGGIN' DONNA REED!!!)) They walked down the street together, singing Scottish drinking songs and trying to make people think they were men. Because they could, you see.

 

When the three reached the antique shop, it was to find the place in complete and total WEIRDNESS. Lucius was dusting in a frilly pink apron, Severus was muttering about how he needed to find a new line of hair care products (since the one he was using now was obviously not working for him), and Percy was plucking his eyebrows as he peered into an antique mirror on the wall. Li fought the urge to laugh, Ava actually had to duck outside before she exploded, and Adara bruised a rib from trying not to laugh hysterically and scream “PANSIES!!!!!” as loud as she could.

 

Quickly, they faded into the shadows. They had not come as customers tonight. They did not want to be seen. They had received word that a major Death Eater meeting would be taking place in this very shop, on this very night.

 

Voldemort's entrance was punctuated with complete and utter silence. He looked every bit as threatening as he had during his rise to power, but he looked older, more worn. “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?!?!?!?” he shrieked.

 

Lucius jumped, Percy poked himself in the eye with his tweezers, and Severus ripped out a chunk of his hair. “Ouch….” He muttered, his eyes watering.

 

“Oh, it's so you, Savvy,” Lucius said. “So, so you. Like, oh my God.”

 

Severus scowled. “Shut up, Lucy.”

 

At just that moment, Draco came in from the back room, wearing an apron exactly like his fathers, carrying a box and singing “Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts, teach us something please….” Of course, Draco had never learned anything at Hogwarts. I mean, sure, he'd learned the spells, but he'd never learned to be a good guy. Heck, he never even learned to be a guy. “Where do you want this, Daddy dearest?” he asked.

 

“Oh….um, just put it at the front desk.”

 

Voldemort's eye twitched. “Oh. My. GOD!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!? THIS MEETING OF THE CAMPAIGN OF THE MYSTERIOUS WRONGDOERS UNITED IS NOW CALLED TO ORDER!!! AND MALFOYS, TAKE OFF THOSE BLOODY APRONS!!!”

 

Draco pouted and removed his apron, but Lucius looked like he was about to cry. “But…it's pink….it looks good with my hair….tough guys wear pink, you know.”

 

“Tough guys wear the Dark Mark,” Voldemort hissed. “Morons…. So, what have we got?”

 

So a few minutes later, the room had been transformed into a political meeting room. Voldemort was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, a table in front of him, a gavel in his right hand. Lucius, Severus, Percy, and Draco were all standing in a row in front of him. “This meeting is now called to order,” he said formally, banging his gavel. “Now, what news of the campaign? Lucius?”

 

On this cue, Lucius brought down a pull-down wall chart. “10,000 people were polled throughout Britain. These were people from every category of human—there were people we never should have talked to, people we would love to be, and people who were sitting in between like the pathetic moving mounds of flesh that they undeniably are. And then there was the sumo wrestler that was sitting on us while we polled him. He was a tough guy to persuade.”

 

“And what were the polling results?”

 

“Well, the voters were polled on three basic principals—most talented at scare tactics, most qualified to take over the world and obliterate humanity, and likeability. When asked who was most talented at scare tactics, 95% said you. And when polled for most qualified to take over the world, once again the vote was overwhelmingly tilted towards you.”

 

Voldemort was grinning savagely now. “Ha!”

 

“But don't forget,” Percy said, “we also polled for likeability.”

 

“……So?”

 

“So….” Draco said, “they are all leaning towards Harry Potter. 99.99999999% said Harry Potter. And when asked if the likeability vote would affect their voting choice, every one of them said yes.”

 

Silence fell for a moment, before Voldemort spoke. “So where does that leave us?”

 

“In short?” Lucius asked. “You are now known as Lord Voldything and his faithful army of exactly two Dementywhatsits.”

 

Severus raised his hand slowly.

 

“Yes, Savvy?” Lucius said kindly.

 

“So….does that mean Voldemort sales are down?”

 

Voldemort cursed and threw a vase against the wall. “So what are we going to do about it, hmm? Can you tell me that?”

 

Lucius sighed. “Well, we had an idea. But….we hoped it wouldn't come to this.”

 

“What? Come to what, precisely?”

 

“Um….”

 

“Well.…”

 

“You see, sir….”

 

They sighed and looked at each other, and began to sing.

 

* * *

 

Lucius: Whenever I see someone less fortunate that I (and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I? My tender heart tends to start to bleed….

 

Severus: And when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over I know I know….exactly what they need.

 

Draco: And even in your case (though it's the toughest case I've yet to face) don't worry, I'm determined to succeed….

Percy: Follow my lead, and yes, indeed….

 

Lucius: You….

 

Severus: Will….

 

Draco: Be….

 

All: Popular. You're gonna be popular.

 

Lucius: I'll teach you the proper poise when you talk to boys—

 

Voldemort: I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO BOYS!!!! I'M SURROUNDED BY BOYS WHO ACT LIKE GIRLS WHO ARE ACTUALLY IDIOTS ALL DAY LONG!!!

 

Severus: Little ways to flirt and flounce.

 

Draco: Ooh! I'll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair, everything that really counts to be….

 

All: Popular. We'll help you be popular.

 

Percy: You'll hang with the right cohorts….

 

Draco: You'll be good at sports….

 

Lucius: Learn the slang you've got to know….

 

Severus: So we'd better start, `cause you've got an awfully long way to go….

 

Lucius: Don't be offended by my frank analysis….

 

Percy: Think of it as personality dialysis.

 

Draco: Now that I've decided to become a pal, a sister, and advisor, there's nobody wiser, not when it comes to….

 

All: Popular. We know about popular.

 

Lucius: And with an assist from me to be who you'll be, instead of dreary who you were….or….are. There's nothing that can stop you from becoming populer….LAR!

 

All: LA LA LA LA!!! We're gonna make you pop-u-lar.

 

Severus: When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features, I remind them on their own behalf to think of….

 

Draco: Celebrated heads of state or especially great communicators….

 

Percy: Did they have brains or knowledge? Don't make me laugh!

 

All: They were popular! Please. It's all about popular. It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed, so it's very shrewd to be….

 

Lucius: Very very popular, like….

 

Severus: Me.

 

*Voldemort entered the room, dressed from head to toe in a black cloak, trimmed with pink frills.*

 

Lucius: Why, Mr. Voldemort. Look at you. You're beautiful.

 

Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I'M LEAVING!!! YOU GUYS ARE FREAKS!!!! YOU'RE FIRED!!!!! *kills Percy for being a nerd and runs screaming into the streets*

 

Draco: And though you protest your disinterest, I know clandestinely….

 

Severus: You're gonna grin and bear it, your newfound popularity.

 

All (except Percy because he's dead): LA LA LA LA!!!

 

Lucius: You'll be popular.

 

Draco: Just not quite as popular….as….

 

Severus: MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

* * *

 

Over ion the corner, Li had recorded the entire meeting on a video camera. Smirking, the three headed out into the street. Once outside, they burst into hysterical, uncontrolled laughter. “Did you get all of it?” Adara asked.

 

“Oh yeah,” Li replied delightedly. “Every single gruesome, beautiful, frilly pink moment of it.”

 

Ava cheered. “Yes! Now let's go home and make popcorn and watch it over and over until our brains ooze out of our ears and we all end up in balls on the floor crying like little teeny girls.”

 

Adara shrugged. “Or end up in a coma.”

 

“Or that, yeah.”

 

Li grinned. “Shall we?”

 

Ava and Adara linked their arms through Li's. “Let's shall!”

 

And the three headed off down the deserted street, singing “I was drunk last night, dear mother. I was drunk the night before. But if you'll forgive me dear mother, I'll not be a drunk anymore,” at the tops of their voices.

 

This had been an evening they wouldn't ever forget.

 

And they would never let Voldemort forget about it, either.

 

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

 

Li: Was any of that coherent?

 

Ava: I think we're all drunk…did someone put something in our drinks?

 

Adara: No….not that I know of….

 

Li: I blame global warming….

 

Adara: Huh? Why?

 

Li: Because it's the only phrase I can remember right now….

 

Ava: Tiiiiired…..

 

Adara: Me too….

 

Li: Drunk. Going to bed now. G'night…. *dies*

THE END!!!!!

NOTE: This fic was brought to you by the Minions of the Muffin King. We will not reveal ourselves to the public, but know this.... MUFFINS HAVE RIGHTS TOO, YA KNOW!!! Jeez, get with the program....