I had 8 reviews, and how the hell I didn't notice is beyond me. Anyway, here's one or two select review responses; I only respond to in depth reviews, so if you gave me a token review-i.e. "o this is so gr8; plz update soon!"-you won't get a response.

Review Responses:

Froop: To me the entire fic is scary. I know you're all thinking "Where's the darkness, the parts about elves mating!?" That comes later, and it will be well worth the wait. So in the meantime, please continue to enjoy my blatant stupidity. ^^ Thanks for the review.

Catbeastaisha: I emailed you, right? Thanking you for your review? You lit up my day with this one. Thanks so much. :hugs:

Pokey the Great: Currently I hate Link/Sheik. They WILL NOT FUCK! - - They gave me lemon block. @_@ So my fic's fun to read? It's really fun to write. Sometimes I even scare myself. XD Some of this stuff comes off the top of my head (Link's obvious vanity being one of them, or the Cucco Lady), some of it I get help with (like Crimsy Lubbish.) But it's all good. ^_^ Thanks for the review.

Authoress's Notes:

For future reference, please don't plague me with emails about not making this story yaoi. I've had at least 5 emails asking that. For fuck's sake people, I'm not going to say this again: this is a het fic. We all know Sheik is a girl; no matter how she dresses up or what she acts like or how much she tries to hide it, she's always going to have two breasts and a hole between her legs. Now stop bugging me.

I promised someone Link would do the whore Malon in this chapter. I lied. That comes in the next chapter, if all goes as planned. So instead, prepare for some more twisted reading. There was supposed to be a lemon in this chapter but I just couldn't get Link and Sheik to fuck. They absolutely would not fuck; I rewrote the lemon about 6 times before deciding to go with the ending I have now. For punishment for not cooperating, I had to string them up by their ankles while my muse and I took a break. They exhausted me. Hopefully I'll get over my lemon block. I wanna thank all the people who tried to help me with that, but ultimately, the decision was mine.

On a side note, I heart Ganondorf. * glomps him * I've been spelling his name wrong all this time, and I'm too fucking lazy to go and fix it, so it's going to stay like it is. Also, on a sub-side note, I find Sheik to be the hottest cross-dressing woman ever.

And now, on with the weirdness…

The Legend of Zelda: Twisted Futurity

All This Talk of Taking Action, These Words Were Never True

Three

Main Objectives: none

Side Quests: none

Extras: none

The blue light led back out into the forest. Sheik shielded his eyes from the surprisingly dull light of the clearing they were in, allowing them time to adjust. The temple was lit by firelight, or cracks in the walls leading to outside. There was just enough light to see what was going on. His eyes had gotten used to the shadows unknowingly, causing him to practically scowl now that he was out of his darkened prison, and back out in the open again. After a few moments of rapid blinking his eyesight adjusted accordingly, and he removed his hand from over his eyes.

The clearing they were in was small and quiet. There was no noise-not even the cry of birds. The grass was a dull shade of green, as if it had been growing but wasn't really alive. All of the blades melded together, giving him the illusion that he was standing on a sea of green. No one blade was distinct from the other, and he wondered if perhaps it was due to the lack of magic in this forest.

"Hey sunshine!" a familiar voice called. Sheik rolled his eyes, turning to stare at his companion, who was bent over something as if to examine it. He hated all of the names Link came up with. Why couldn't he just call him Sheik? "Come here," he gestured to the younger boy. Sheik took his time getting over to Link wondering what simple means he'd found to amuse himself now. The first time it was lesbian faeries, then it was a torturing Mido, then it was a heart container plushie (that was just sick); now it was probably a rock in the shape of a potato or something else that normal people wouldn't give a second thought. He dreaded the thought of the first sight of that thing. It might be a dead frog for all he knew. That sounded like something Link would spend his time with. 'Wonder what killed it.' What a wretched little boy.

What a really cute ass.

Sheik tore his eyes away from Link's behind almost as quickly as the thought formed in his head. He could feel heat rising to his face, and with good cause. He couldn't believe he was gaping at him like that. He pushed a stray strand of blond from his face, his eyes going to focus on something else. It started out as whatever Link was staring at-an odd little shrub with very thick bark, constantly wiggling as if trying to pull itself out of the ground on unseen legs. But his curious red eyes soon traveled up Link's arms, down his back and ended up right back where he started: at his ass. He was having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what made it cute. Maybe because it was in tights?

"You ever seen anything like it?" Link asked, running his fingers through his bangs out of rare habit.

Sheik shook his head, eyes glued to the Hero's backside. "Never."

Link shifted, leaning down to get closer to the shrub, which was still vibrating. "What'd you think it is?"

Sheik just stared. "…fairly attractive…"

Link frowned. "Are you kidding? It's wiggling, it's oddly colored and it smells funny."

"…Maybe it just needs a nice tone, a bath and a tan," Sheik suggested calmly. It didn't looks so bad to him though. Maybe because it was in tights?

Link rolled his eyes. Talk about a blond moment. "Think we should poke it?" he questioned.

"…Does it come highly recommended?" Sheik wanted to know.

"What the fuck are you talking about??" Link countered, his nostrils flaring in agitation. "It's a plant!"

Sheik ran his fingers through his bangs, pushing a lock of hair out of his left eye. It was so…entrancing. Why? He had no idea. It was just…cute. Cute as in he could stare at it for hours on end and find it just as amusing as…something just as amusing. Maybe he really should poke it. Just for emphasis. …And perhaps a bit of curiosity. Link wouldn't mind right? He'd probably like it.

"Sunshine!"

Sheik snapped out of his trance, eyes darting up to meet his companion's. He was so exquisite, his sun-bleached bangs framing his face haphazardly, great sapphire eyes staring at him, as blue as the waters of Lake Hylia. His eyelashes were atrocious-thick like liquid black ink, and so defined it seemed as if he were wearing eyeliner. And those eyebrows; thick, but not too thick, fine and perhaps slightly arched? No, when did he have time to arch them? He'd been trapped in the Temple of Time for seven years. Seven long years. Seven long, goddess-sent years, giving them a fine young Hero of Time with perfect lips and skin that would make someone with really perfect skin really jealous. It was so even, and smooth, sun-kissed, and…wow. Just…wow. How come he never noticed that before?

"Enjoying the view sweetheart?" Link smirked, snapping Sheik out of his trance once again.

Sheik narrowed his eyes, ignoring the heat rising to his face. "You are so obnoxious," he answered back, his tone clearly revealing his annoyance.

"I know," the Hero admitted. "But I'm not the one that's staring. That's so rude; if you've got something to say then say it."

He would. "I'll find you," he promised, taking off for the exit. He couldn't handle Link anymore; he needed some time alone, a bath, and a change of clothes.

Link snorted, turning back to the shrub. Sheik was acting like attraction was a disease or something. In truth it was perfectly natural to be attracted to something so exquisite as himself. He was after all, the HOT-Hero of Time. He'd been blessed with beauty, a great body, and a knack for killing. And his ass was fairly cute-he could understand why Sheik was staring at it. It was rather firm too-came from 7 years of acrobatics as a Child of the Lost Forest. He knew climbing all those trees and fighting all those Skull Kids would pay off someday.

What the hell was wrong with this plant?

A breathless voice interjected on his brooding, forcing him to respond. "Link!"

He looked back and saw a small girl running towards him dressed in a green dress. She had red hair and a big forehead. In fact she was fairly unattractive. That must've been because of the Deku Tree's absence-all of the kids must be hideous just like Mido. Saria was so lucky she was the Sage of Forest. He'd have to put her out of her misery if she were ever that ugly.

"Link you did it!" she exclaimed, stopping just sort of him to catch her breath. "You saved the Forest!"

"Tell me something I don't know Godzilla." He didn't really mean to be cruel, but it just came so naturally.

"HI!"

What the hell?!

Link felt his breath leave his body as he was knocked backwards, sliding across the grass on his already ruined tunic. He sat up, shaking his head, and glared at his attacker. It was an ugly tree no taller than his knees with a goofy smiling face, ugly bark and leaves smaller than a Goron's brain. "Hi!" it said again, grinning at him. "I'm the Deku Sprout!"

Link pulled himself up, glaring murder at the shrub.

"Thanks for saving me!" the Sprout continued happily. "Because you lifted the curse on the Forest Temple, now I can grow into the new Deku Tree!"

"Thank the Goddess!" Link exclaimed before he could stop himself. "Because these kids around here are ass-crack ugly; they look like horror-films turned reality. Hurry up and grow; they need magic NOW."

"You're funny!" the Sprout laughed.

"You saved the Deku Tree!" the little girl beside him stated. Link nearly jumped out of his skin. That was too much ugly to be that close to. "Do you know what this means?!"

"…You'll only resemble homemade sin for a few more years?" Link guessed.

"No! We're going to have a fertility feast in your honor! I'll go tell Mido right now!"

Fertility feast? Link's lips curled into a wicked smile. Forget Sheik; tonight he was getting laid.

::-:: ::-:: ::-::

Sheik took his time about bathing, and about dressing. After he was done, he found somewhere to sit and meditate. Their next move would be to go to Death Mountain for the Temple of Fire. To do that he'd have to go into the City of Gorons and get some kind of protection from the heat-otherwise he'd melt. Death Mountain was an active volcano, and they were going to be inside it for an indefinite period of time. The Gorons were used to that heat-they had to have something for outsiders to protect them from it. Of course he could just go over there and see for himself, but he'd much rather meditate on more important things. Like how to keep Link from finding out his secrets. Or how to keep him from being so unbearably obnoxious. They were the same age but still, Sheik was nowhere near that conceited, or rude. Or unbearably handsome. He groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead. Why did all of his thoughts always drift back to Link being hot?

Because he was. And as his traveling companion he had to learn to deal with it. And the best way to deal with a problem was just to confront it head on. Running from it only made it worse, and avoiding it made it nearly unbearable. No, just confront it and be done with it.

Sheik stood up, sweeping strands of platinum-streaked blonde from his face. He could do this. He was way more mature with Link and he had trained himself to be adaptable and to handle any kind of situation. This was small-a drop in the bucket. He could do this.

::-:: ::-:: ::-::

The air smelled thickly of mixed perfumes-wines, flowers and oils. The entire Kokiri village was decorated festively, and small fires burned in scattered areas, with a bon fire right in the center, lighting up the village almost a thousand fold. Mellow, sultry music drifted through the air, and the stars seemed to glow in tune with each note. There were so many of them that night, at least a billion, if not more. The stars could never been seen like this anywhere else in the Land of Hyrule..

Sheik walked past a group of children who were barely clothed and whispering among themselves. It was dark-he'd walked back from where he was because his muscles were sore. He hadn't had to use them for such extensive periods of time before, but that wasn't really important. Part of him was trying to figure out what was going on, and the other part of him was trying to figure out what to say when he finally saw Link. Straightforward was always the best policy-that's what Father had taught him. So he'd just be straightforward with him.

Where was he?

He avoided the bonfire as much as possible, watching the children scamper off to hide in the shadows. Obviously he missed something, but what was it? "Excuse me," he addressed the next girl he saw. "What's going on here?"

"A fertility feast in honor of our Heroes," she responded, grinning coyly at Sheik.

"Heroes?" he repeated, blinking.

"Yes. They saved our Forest from the clutches of the evil Ganonsnot."

Oh, that was cute. What was a fertility feast? Nevermind; he'd ask later. "Have you seen Link?" he questioned.

The girl pointed to a bed of roses and ferns, decorated with petals and jewels. In the center was Link, propped up on great pillows, being fed by two very cute Kokiri girls. One had grapes, the other had wine, and both of them had on enough clothing to be considered skin. He frowned. They were kids. What the hell did they think they were doing? He shook his head. That wasn't important right now. What was important was for Sheik to get what was on his chest off of it. He marched right up to Link confidently. It was now or never.

"…I have to talk to you."

Link glanced at him passively, snapping at the girl who was handling the wine. She bent down immediately, allowing him to drink out of her cup. "What's up sexy?" he wanted to know. "And what's with the leather?"

Sheik frowned. "My clothes really aren't important right now."

"They are when you're dressed like your next kill is your next orgasm," Link responded, looking the other boy over carefully. His body was bound in skin-tight black leather-he was surprised he could breathe at all in it. He had the body for it though. His neck and face were covered by a red mask, and his hair hung around his eyes lazily, framing his face softly. Blood stained bandages covered various fingers and both of his arms. He looked incredible-far be it from Link not to compliment such a tasty morsel. "So which one is it?" he wanted to know. "Kill or orgasm? Or both?"

Sheik sighed, crossing his arms across his chest. "This is not leather," he responded. "This is a special type of material made out of Wizzrobes and--you know what? What the fuck do you care for? The only thing you're interested in is how to get it off."

"If you'd be ever so kind as to tell me, that'd save me from trying to rape you," Link agreed.

Sheik sighed, running his fingers through his hair. It was cold tonight, the wind playing with his short, thick locks. He missed his hat, but it'd been ruined beyond belief. He didn't want to wear anything on his head that was stained with guts and blood. He was lucky to get that smell off of him.

"Thinking about which position you wanna try first?"

Sheik glared, watching Link's lips wrap around a grape casually, pulling it off of the vine. He wanted to strangle him, and yet at the same time, kiss him. He considered that sick-pain and pleasure didn't mix in his world-but this time, he'd make an exception.

"You are so fucking full of it," he began, narrowing his eyes at the elf. "What the hell is your problem?? Are you really that conceited?!"

"Why are you acting like you're not attracted to me?" Link retorted, shifting comfortably against the pillows. "Why do you insist on fooling yourself?"

"You're right," Sheik admitted openly. "I am attracted to you. I'm very attracted to you. But that's not why we're here. We're supposed to be restoring order to the land, not…enjoying…whatever the hell this is!"

"It's a fertility feast," Link explained calmly, locking his arms behind his head. "A feast to Din, goddess of seasons and fertility. You do know what fertility is don't you?"

…It was a sex feast? That was so scandalous! These were kids! What the fuck?!

"…You look a bit shocked," Link noted, lifting an eyebrow at Sheik.

"…You probably won't even remember this in the morning," Sheik noted, glaring at Link. "Eating grapes and drinking wine. You really wanna get drunk don't you."

"Drink and laid," Link nodded passively, stretching. "I think I've earned it."

"Yes, you've earned it," Sheik responded gravely. "You and your stupid hat have earned the right to get piss drunk and fuck children." Then he turned on his heel and left.

Link raised an eyebrow. Stupid hat? That was the best he could come up with? What a sad and virtually pathetic soul.

A small green flash of light temporarily blinded the Hero and his company. He waited for a moment before blinking, recognizing Saria almost immediately, even in such unreliable lighting. The flames made her look pretty hot, especially in her green tunic. She snapped at the two girls, who got up and left almost immediately. Link raised an eyebrow. Now that was power, but when did people start bowing to Saria all of a sudden?

"Being the Forest Sage has its perks," she smirked, climbing on top of him and straddling his waist. "I'm like a god to these people."

Link blinked. "These people? Last time I checked, you were still a midget, just like everyone else running around here."

"…Don't change the subject," she warned, leaning up to pinch his nipple harshly. Link winced, glaring at her, but the alcohol had kicked in a while ago-he was too relaxed to do anything. "I know what you want Link."

"…Is this one of those bargain deals?" he wanted to know. "You suck me off and I do something for you only a tall person could do?"

Saria's features were marred by a frown. "You are so obnoxious," she muttered, causing him to roll his eyes. "I was talking about Sheik."

"Oh, the other faerie boy," Link nodded. "The one with the Master Sword up his ass."

"He's just nervous," Saria explained lightly. "He's never had this kind of attraction before. This one is raw, almost animalistic, and resisting it is driving him mad. So I propose we get him drunk."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What?"

"Get him drunk," Saria said again, more slowly this time. "And then do what you gotta do."

Link blinked. And blinked again. And blinked a third time, followed by a series of rapid blinks before finally exclaiming "What??" Was she insane?? "Are you insane?!" That'd be like taking advantage of someone. "That'd be just like taking advantage of him!" Whoa, he was really drunk; he thoughts weren't quite catching up with his mouth. "Wow, I'm really drunk; my thoughts aren't quite catching up with my mouth."

"Do you want him or don't you?" Saria asked, ignoring Link's gibberish.

Link laid back, sighing. The stars were beautiful tonight. The sky looked like a big black blanket with a lot of holes in it. What a horrible analogy. "…Look Saria, you know the rule," he told his friend, focusing his eyes back on her.

"I know the rule Link," she agreed, her tone as sharp as her glare. "And it's a stupid rule, especially if you're both drunk."

Link's eyes crossed in clear agitation. "How does it help if we're both drunk?!"

"Because then you're both taking advantage of each other and so that cancels the rule out."

…Actually, that kind of made sense. He felt a vein surface on his forehead, but he ignored it. "Saria…no. I refuse. When I said get laid, I meant get laid by someone who actually wants me, not someone who feels it's fun to run around the forest in tight leather teasing me while lecturing me on how I'm supposed to keep focused and talking about how stupid my hat is!" The vein was about to explode-he felt it throbbing and it was giving him a headache.

"…Wow," Saria blink, resting her elbows on Link's stomach. "You're upset over a hat?"

"It's not the hat!" Link snapped, closing his eyes as the pulsing got worse. "He's a tease; one minute he's all over me and the next minute he's lecturing me. It's fucking frustrating, and it's annoying!"

"It's making you hard," Saria noted, giving Link a small grin in recognition of his erection. She rubbed her thigh against his groin, her eyes clouding over with lust. "I remember when you were like this when we were younger," she recalled, a sliver of want slipping into her voice. "Whenever you were frustrated you wanted to fuck. You said you had to work it off. Still feel like that, Pointy?"

Pointy. His childhood nickname. His ears had always been sharper than theirs, and it earned him countless hours of teasing. Even his best friend joined in, calling him Pointy whenever she was upset with him-although now she probably meant that in a totally different way. He suppressed the urge to groan as she continued to grind against him. He wanted to fuck, and she knew that, but she wasn't the one he wanted.

"Link you shouldn't resist your instincts," she mock-lectured. "Pent up frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to wrath. Wrath leads to hate."

And hate led to one hell of a boner. Link stood up suddenly, causing Saria to fall back first onto the ground. He didn't even acknowledge her as he turned to leave. "I need a fucking drink," he muttered, and sauntered off into the shadows.

Saria picked herself up, and dusted herself off. She didn't care what Link said-the rule did not apply in this case. They were both so ready to fuck, and she was so ready to watch. They just needed a little push in the right direction. A push that only the Sage of Forest could give them.

::-:: ::-:: ::-::

Sheik sighed, pulling down his mask for a breath of fresh air. He finally found somewhere where kids weren't fondling each other, or…he shuddered to recall all of the images that passed through his mind. They were children for crying out loud. Why were they so…disgusting? Like they had no morals whatsoever. They were kids. Why weren't they cute and innocent like they should be; why were they…horribly drunk and prostituting themselves to each other?

"I take it this is your first time at a fertility feast?" Saria questioned as she came up to stand beside the lone Sheikah.

"…How can you tell?" he questioned flatly.

"You look rather scarred," Saria responded casually. "Lemme guess-you walked in on two people doing it?"

Sheik's face reddened furiously. "They're kids!" he exclaimed. "I was just looking for a place to…!"

Saria waved off Sheik's statement passively. "It's just our bodies that don't grow up, not our minds. We're allowed to have fun too."

Sheik didn't understand. "…How is having sex with anyone who has 2 minutes to spare fun??"

"Well obviously you've never had sex before," Saria noted. "Bet I could fix that for you."

Sheik frowned. "Are you flirting with me?"

The little Temple Sage shrugged. "Sure, why not."

She took a moment to look Sheik over, admiring his features casually. Sheik felt heat rise to his face and shifted away from the Sage, who only brought herself closer. "I don't bite you know," Saria announced, waving her finger around in the air for a moment.

"Well, one can't really be too sure of these things," Sheik responded nervously, feeling his palms start to sweat. "Um…what're you doing?"

"Drawing a bottle," she responded, her finger tracing the air as if it were actual paper. Sheik watched, perplexed. After a moment of staring, he swore he could see the actual lines-the bottle, the bottle's neck, and the liquid floating around in the bottle. Then in a spray of green light the lines became reality, forming an actual bottle. It was the size of a milk bottle and filled with a thick, white substance. Sheik could only hope it was milk.

"Ever had Lon Lon milk?" Saria asked, pushing the floating bottle towards the Sheikah.

"…Um…no," Sheik responded nervously, watching the bottle drift up to him. "I…generally don't like to…dairy products…Are you sure that's milk??"'

"What'd you think it was?" Saria wanted to know. "Cum?"

Well it never hurt to ask.

"Go on, drink up," Saria suggested passively, planting herself on the air as if it were a chair. "It'll help clear your mind, plus it's rich with protein." And it'd help her win her bet with Rauru.

Three bottles later, Saria was thoroughly satisfied with her results, although her little victim wasn't. "I think I had too much…"

"Stay right here," she instructed her guinea pig. "I'll go get help." And by help, she meant Link, who couldn't have been far. Of course, she could always just use her magic to make him appear, but she had to make this realistic. She floated back to the feast, passing over numerous orgies-one had three boys, a girl and a dog; that was an interesting group-until she finally came to the feasting tables. Of course those were being violated too-people doing the food, the benches, the wine jugs, the actual tables while other people just simply watched or ate what hadn't been stained in cum. Link was all alone next to a girl fucking a ham. That had to be interesting-and slightly sticky if it was honey-glazed like she thought. But Link wasn't watching her-he was watching his goblet, as if it'd magically refill itself. She tugged on one of his ears, drawing his attention. "Enjoy your drink?"

"I never had it," he muttered, his voice almost inaudible. "…You know Saria, he's right. I am obnoxious."

"Don't go all 'holier-than-thou' on me," she snapped, glaring at him. "He likes you, OK? He's always liked you-he was probably born liking you. Attraction isn't the issue. Sex involves circumstance. Is it convenient for both of you? Yes? Well then fucking go for it! …He's not feeling too well by the way," she added casually.

Link looked up from his goblet, clearly concerned. "What's wrong with him?"

"He had three bottles of Lon Lon milk," she responded. "You know what that stuff does to your stomach."

Link stood up, glaring at the petite Sage of Forest, who stared back as if she had no idea what was going on. "I know you had something to do with that," he bit out.

In turn she blinked, ever so innocently. "Who, me? Pointy, don't be absurd!"

"Stop calling me that!" he snapped. "Where is he?!"

"Well I'll show you of course," she volunteered, drifting past him casually. She glanced up at the night sky, as if glaring at something in particular, then went back to keeping her eyes in front of her. Soon they reached the very sick Sheik, who'd taken refuge underneath the nearest tree. Saria stopped short, allowing Link to pass her, but not before giving her a very frightful glare. Of course she was immune to it, because she was his best friend and the Sage of Forest, but still. It was a damn good glare.

Sheik didn't seem sick. Link trotted up to him and knelt down in front of him, watching his face. His eyes were shut tight, as if in concentration, and he gripped the vegetation around him as if hanging on for dear life. Lon Lon milk was nasty stuff. The reason it was so popular was because of its side effects. It was fine in normal doses but multiple bottles at a time-well who knew what could really happen then? Sheik might explode, or he might turn into a fish. Or he might decide that he'd rather like to hump trees instead of Link. …Ew…

"Sheik are you ok?" Link questioned, bringing himself down on both of his knees.

Sheik nodded. "I'm fine," he promised breathlessly, his voice lighter than he remembered. "I just had too much to drink."

"Well can you walk?"

"…Walking…" Sheik opened one unfocused eye. "That's the thing you do with two legs right?"

"…Uh…yeah."

"Well of course I can walk!" he smiled cheerfully. "…I do still have legs right?" he questioned suddenly, looking around. "Because they seem to have gone missing."

Link sighed, stood up, and picked Sheik up himself, the entire while glaring at Saria, who only smiled innocently.

"There they are!" Sheik exclaimed, pointing at his newly-discovered limbs.

"Yes, there they are," Link agreed, shifting Sheik so that his weight would be even on both of his arms. He was a lot heavier than he thought he'd be, but nothing he couldn't handle. The problem would be getting him up into his tree house.

"Your eyes are…really sparkly," Sheik noted, staring at Link in almost quiet awe.

Link smirked. Drunk people said the cutest things. "Thanks," he muttered, shifting his weight again. "And your eyes are really…off."

"That's the best you can come up with??" Saria laughed.

"He's drunk," Link retorted, fixing his glare on the Sage once again. "If he remembers he still has legs in the morning, he's doing good." Now how was he going to get him up into his tree house?

"You can use my place," Saria offered before he could even come up with a plan. "Just for tonight though, and only if you promise not to mess up my sheets."

"I'm going to get you for this," Link responded, following Saria back into the village. "You realize that don't you?"

"Yes," Saria nodded almost instantly. "But not before you get him first."

::-:: ::-:: ::-::

Rauru stood over the globe, frowning at Saria. He was just kidding about the bet; they didn't have time to get Link laid. The more time they took off the more time Ganondorf had to figure out what his next move would be. They had to stay one step ahead of him at all times. He knocked on the globe, drawing the Sage's attention. She glared up at him, but said nothing; just led Link to Sheik. Link and Saria exchanged glares for a while-Link seemed upset that Saria had gotten Sheik "drunk". Why? And what was this rule they kept referring to?

Before long, Rauru was caught back up in the drama.

It was just fun to watch two obviously sexually frustrated people dance around the fact that they were attracted to each other. He pulled up a chair, and crossed his legs, wondering if Link were going to take the bait. He didn't seem quite as drunk as Sheik, but then again, he hadn't really drank anything-he was a bit blurry-minded, at the most. And here Sheik was, all cute, decked in leather and vulnerable. Who wouldn't want a piece of that? He probably wouldn't even remember that in the morning. It was perfect.

Saria appeared next to him in a spray of green light, smirking amusedly. "You've wagered a lot over something this silly," she sighed, leaning against the arm of his chair casually. "I could get Link laid with my eyes closed."

Rauru shook his head. "He seems reluctant to break this…rule of his."

Saria rolled her eyes, once again planting herself on her invisible chair. "Oh right. The rule."

"What is this rule?" Rauru couldn't help asking.

Saria sighed. "Link refuses to have sex with anyone drunk, because that's how he was conceived. His mother was a whore on a drunken binge and she wakes up 3 days later and BAM! She's got a bun in the oven. He doesn't even know who his father is."

"…Who told him that?" Rauru blinked.

"The Deku Tree," she responded. "Right before he died. He just had to tell Link where he came from, who he was, how come he was different from the other kids…Of course, his mother is long gone by now."

"She died?" the Sage of Light guessed.

"Yeah," Saria snorted. "Intentional suicide. She didn't want Link so she dropped him off in a forest full of brats then sauntered off into the Lost Forest and hung herself. Broke her neck instantly."

"….How…wretched."

"She deserved it," she spat, her voice dripping with venom. "She was horrible to him-like he has to pay for her sins. He didn't ask to be born you know. When she was alive, she wouldn't feed him, wouldn't clean him-he was filthy and half starved when we found him. He was almost dead."

Well, the Prophecy just said the Hero would be born. It never said how, or that he'd have a great life for that matter. Perhaps that was why he was so…obnoxious, but Saria was taking his lack of parental guidance very personally. She was seething-he could see it in her face.

"I hate that whore," she growled. "I hate what she did to him. I swear if she were alive right now I'd slice up her skin and hang her by her toenails butt naked over a tank full of sharks."

Well…that was…graphic. "Saria, she's dead," Rauru consoled, trying to avoid the green sparks falling off her body. "There's no reason for you to be angry at her now. She got what she deserved, as you say."

"No, she didn't get enough. I want her to suffer. I want her to writhe in pain and anguish, in tormented remembrance for all of eternity!" Her hair caught fire.

Little green flames began to replace her thick, rich locks, creeping down her skin, engulfing her clothes. It only happened when a Sage got angry-their powers manifested themselves in order to stop them from imploding. Rauru moved his chair over a bit. Saria was the angriest Sage he'd ever seen; what the hell was destiny thinking when it picked her? "…Saria, dear…"

She glared at him, her eyes swallowed by magic. "WHAT?!"

Rauru glanced at the globe, pointing. "Link is gone."

"WHAT?!!"

It was true. Sheik was curled up on Saria's bed half-asleep, but there was no Link. The Hero of Time was gone.

She screamed.

Magic shot from her body in a column of green light, destroying the globe completely. Little shards of glass rained all over the floor, and Rauru's chair exploded. He stared up at her from the floor, watching the flames lick away at her bare flesh. All this over a prostitute? She wasn't even alive-she was dead. She needed to get the fuck over it.

"…I need a drink," she muttered, allowing the flames to blanket her completely as she disappeared. "I'll be back."

Rauru sighed, standing up. He needed a new globe, a new chair, and if Saria kept it up, a new Sage of Forest.

::-:: ::-:: ::-::

There was a little pool where the Faeries of the Kokiri went to play whenever their Masters were doing something that didn't require their participation. To Link it always looked like a giant mirror, reflecting whatever the sky was like that day. It was so still-even if the surface was disturbed, you could only tell for a split second. They called it the Looking Glass, because supposedly whatever you saw when you peered onto the surface was always the truth. Link never had cause to believe that; whenever he looked into the water he just saw the sky and himself. He only came there to brood anyway.

He stared at himself, hugging one of his legs absently. He had a funny shaped nose. And his hat was not stupid. He just hated looking at his hair, because once he was told that he had hair like his mother's. He pulled it off, watching it fall past his shoulders. It was perfect-natural highlights, the right texture, the right color for his skin, no split ends whatsoever, soft but thick, and he never had to do a thing to it. No herbs, no special hair treatments. He just washed it and kept going. It never tangled, and on a rainy day the feel of it resembled silk. It was, like the rest of his beauty, astonishingly perfect.

Normally engorging himself in staring at his reflection lifted his mood, but tonight he could only think of his whore mother, who left him to die in a forest full of kids run by a tree with cancer. What the hell kind of mother was that? He turned his head, sighing. She deserved to die, but he didn't deserve to get constant reminders of her. And his hat was not stupid. It was a good hat. It hid the real length of his unsightly ears. They just got more and more embarrassing as he got older. He stood up, running a finger over one of his appendages. It was at least a foot long, if not more. That was just not cute. He pulled his hat back over his head and started back towards the village. Sheik was acting really weird when he tried to put him to bed-not drunk weird, but horny weird. It was so hard to say no, so hard to pull himself away from those sweet kisses, those promising whispers, but it wouldn't be right. He was a lot of things, including one obnoxious fucker, but he was not a rapist. He had to draw a line somewhere.

He bumped into something, and stumbled backwards, wondering why he hadn't seen where he was going. Maybe because he was so busy trying to figure out if Sheik were for real about his advances, or was he just teasing. Then again, he was drunk. Why was he trying to figure out the advances of a drunk person?

Because he wanted him.

He shook his head, trying to locate whatever it was he'd just ran into. The only thing he saw was a gorgeous blue female with short, dark blue curly hair and a nice rack. He stared. A really, really nice rack. How come he hadn't seen her around before? She was breath-taking.

She slapped him.

"You fuck head!" she exclaimed as he rubbed his injured jaw. "What the hell were you thinking leaving me locked in that stupid jar?! I almost suffocated!"

Navi?!

…Fuck head?

"….Ow…" he managed without too much difficulty. For a little person she sure had a lot of strength. But she wasn't really little anymore now was she? "…When did you get so gorgeous?" he wanted to know, flexing his jaw bone. That was going to leave a mark.

She placed her hands on her hips, her deep blue eyes fixed on him intently. "I've always looked like this asshole," she responded. "You just never paid attention."

"That's because you're annoying."

She slapped him again.

"…ow…"

"Jerk," she hissed, fluttering her transparent wings. "Why do I even bother helping you??"

Link's ears were ringing from the second hint; he stumbled over to the nearest tree and rested there, trying to focus his vision. All this over a jar?

"…Oh Link, I'm so sorry!" Navi exclaimed in apology. "I didn't mean to hit you so hard!"

He hated chicks like that-they did something and immediately took it back. Why do it if you didn't mean it? "It's ok…" he groaned, his skull throbbing profusely. "Nothing death won't cure." Of course he was exaggerating but he wanted to make her feel horrible.

"Let me see," she prodded, turning him around to face her. She winced almost immediately, then grinned to cover it up. Her smile was very pretty. "It'll be fine," she promised. "You can hardly see the swelling. …I mean bruising. I mean…oh gods, you're gonna kill me aren't you?"

Link felt his anger vein swell up in his forehead as he closed his eyes, trying not to think about throttling his faerie. "It's my face Navi," he started, his voice strained. "You ruined my face!"

"It'll only be like that a couple of days," she promised. "Oh Link, I'm so sorry. I really am! I didn't mean to hit you that hard, but you shouldn't have kept me locked in a jar!"

"And you shouldn't prance around naked," he muttered, pushing her out of his way. "It'll give rapists ideas."

"How's Sheik?" she asked in an effort to make small talk and take his mind off of his damaged face.

"Drunk as hell," he muttered. "And horny."

"Horny?" she blinked. "Alcohol doesn't usually make people horny."

"That's because it wasn't alcohol," he responded vaguely. "It was Lon Lon milk."

"Oh. Nasty stuff," she agreed, following after him.

"Yeah, and because of that, I've got to sleep in my old tree house tonight, or else I might attack him."

"…If you want sex so bad why don't you just go have it?" she questioned logically.

His poor vein was going to explode. Tonight was just going to be one of those nights.

"Navi, you should just leave," Link advised, waving her off. "I'm in one of those moods where if I don't fuck something I'll start killing shit."

Navi hated those moods. They always effected her-the first time he was in one of those moods he dropped a book on her. "…Well can I help?"

Link snorted. "Don't be ridiculous," he retorted, clearly agitated. "Aren't faeries asexual?"

She blinked. "…a…what?"

He calmly rephrased the question. "Aren't all faeries girls?"

"Yes….But what does that have to do with anything?"

What did that have to do with anything? Link stopped dead in his tracks. If all faeries were girls, then of course they were equipped like girls. He turned around to face her, blue eyes searching her over. Cute lips, breasts, flat stomach, nice, pear shape…she had to pee out of somewhere.

He stopped.

What the hell was he thinking? He was gonna do his own faerie? On so many levels that was just extremely wrong. It was Navi. The faerie who wouldn't shut up. The miniature version of a nagging girlfriend. Ms. State-the-Obvious-Hours-After-It-Was-Fucking-Obvious. Was he really going to have sex with his own faerie?

Hell yes.

…He needed a cold bath.

He didn't even wait to take his clothes off; just dove head-first into the crystalline lake. The water swallowed him, passing through his clothes like sharp winter air, chilling him to the bone. He opened his eyes, staring at the world underneath the surface. It was amazing-like he was floating right in the night sky itself. Millions of tiny lights shifted past him as if sleeping, their glow soft individually, but together powerful enough to light up the entire lake. He never saw this from the surface. He reached out to touch one, allowing it to float over his fingers, filling him with a warm glow. What were they?

"Link?!"

He looked up, the muffled voice calling his name repeatedly. It was worried. He pulled himself to the surface, throwing back his hair to keep from breathing in the soaked locks. He didn't know why people said talk cold baths when you're horny-that just made it worse. You either got harder or shrinkage occurred. He hated that. Then again, he didn't know a respectable man who liked it. He'd bet even Ganondorf hated it.

"Link, get out of there!" Navi hissed, fluttering over him anxiously.

"Why? It's just a pool."

"No, it's a nest!" she exclaimed, her voice low. "A faerie nest! That's where the Forest Faeries are born!"

"…Is that what those little floating white things were?" he guessed. "Faerie eggs?"

"Yes! Now come out of there before you disturb them!" She didn't even give him time to respond, just lifted him out by the back of his tunic. It wasn't unordinary; faeries could lift ten times their weight. It only stood to reason that the bigger they got the more they could lift.

Link let her carry him back to his tree house. He was tired-of worrying, of brooding, of having a bad day-of everything. He just wanted to get some sleep. He didn't even want to wake up until he was ready to wake up. He just wanted to forget this night even existed.

Everything was in place in his house. His bed was exactly the same size he left it in, which was going to be extremely awkward for him. He wasn't that small anymore. Hell, his dick wouldn't fit in that bed. He stared at the white sheets, and the blue pillows that accompanied it. When was he ever so tiny?

"Take off these clothes," Navi ordered, tugging at his tunic. "I'll wash and dry them; you'll have them first thing in the morning."

"Since when did you start caring what I looked like?" he wanted to know. But he came out of his clothes anyway, leaving them in a soggy pile on the floor.

Navi wrapped him in his bed sheet, smiling sheepishly, her face flushing as her wings fluttered nervously. "I've always cared what you looked like," she responded. "You just never bothered to pay attention to me."

"That's because you're annoying," he answered almost immediately. It was difficult to pay attention to something annoying. When something annoyed you, that's all it did. Your only thoughts were getting rid of the annoyance.

She sighed, walking past him. Nothing was ever good enough for him. "Get into bed," she ordered, scooping his clothes up in her arms.

"Are you blind?? Do I look like I can fit into that tiny space!?"

"It's made out of faerie wood," she droned, refusing to turn to face him. "It'll expand to fit whoever's in that bed without taking up anymore space in your house. In other words, you can fit 10 people in there, and the bed will still look the same."

Whoa. Cool.

He dived into bed, settling against his pillows happily. He was still nearest to his favorite constellation-the Centaur, which was the closets constellation to the moon. When he was younger, he'd count every star outside of his window at night before he went to bed. He'd named them all. Being back in his bed again, looking out of his window gave him a warm feeling, like finally being home. Either that or he shitted on himself, which in that case he needed diapers.

"I'll be back in the morning," Navi promised, fluttering out of the door. "Sweet dreams Hero of Time."

With a title whose abbreviation was "HOT", how could he have nightmares? He'd just dream of himself. That'd eliminate any and all bad dreams whatsoever.

::-:: ::-:: ::-::

Elf hearing was an extremely sensitive thing. Just like a hawk's vision, elves had the sharpest hearing in all of the land of Hyrule. It was so sharp that it needed to be trained, so that they could properly control it. If they took in too many sounds at once, they could die of a brain seizure. In fact, for the first year of their lives, elf babies wore ear muffs, to keep them from constant headaches. In time their parents taught them how to turn their hearing "on and off" so to speak.

Link had exceptional hearing, even for an elf. He was trained to listen by the Kokiri kids. Most elves could distinguish between 4800 different sounds by the time they were 30. Link knew 7600 sounds, and he wasn't even full grown yet. When a sound was heard, his mind automatically started going through all the sounds he'd learned previously in his life. Pitch, tones, rhythms and the like were also searched through, so that he would know the difference between defining characteristics of the sounds. He knew the difference between a male hawk and a female hawk, or a female hawk in heat in the Lost Forest from a female hawk in heat from Lake Hylia. If he'd never heard the sound before, he identified it and memorized it for future reference. It helped him keep alert.

His hearing even worked in his sleep. While he dreamed his brain was still processing every sound he heard-bugs crawling, wings fluttering, things blowing across the floor. If there was a sound that was a cause for alarm, or a sound that agitated him, he immediately woke up. Thus his hearing served as a built in "alarm clock". This did not detract from the fact that he could sleep through almost anything. He'd gotten comfortable with 7000 of his 7600 sounds. It took something either truly unfamiliar or part of the remaining 600 to wake him up. You can guess how often that happened, given how much Link loved to sleep, especially when dreaming of himself.

Tonight, the wind stirred the leaves of his tree, giving him cause for shifting but not for waking up. The Kokiri kids were still enjoying their fertility feast, due to their nymphomaniac nature. All nocturnal creatures were up and about, making sure to make their presence known with their various noises. Link was stuck in the limbo between sleep and reality. He was dreaming, but the noises were also there to remind him that he had merely closed his eyes, and not gone fully to sleep. A sigh passed between his lips, and his eyes squeezed shut in an effort to try to drown out the sounds around him. How long had he been doing this? One hour? Two? He opened his eyes, rolling over to stare up at the sky. He'd never get to sleep at this rate. Everything was bothering him. It wasn't just his dreams, or the sounds, it was the sheets, the bed, the air-everything. He was restless.

After another infinite moment of staring at the stars, he turned back over again and closed his eyes. Sleep was beckoning him, and he'd love nothing more than to answer its call, but if he couldn't sleep, he couldn't sleep. It was as simple as that.

He hugged one of his pillows close to him, settling back down. He'd try once more to force himself to sleep, but he seriously doubted it would work. His eyelids drifted down halfway, his arms numb from resting his head against them so awkwardly. He blinked a few times, his ears twitching as a rustling sound reached them. It was probably paper, or something, so he dismissed it, too lazy to properly register it. He just wanted some sleep.

The sound came and went again, alerting the Hero of Time only to his agitation. It wasn't rustling though, like he thought it was. It was breathing-air was slowly going in and coming out of a small space. Someone was breathing over him. He opened one eye, glaring at his intruder. Whatever it was could kindly wait until the morning-he didn't care if the whole Lost Forest was aflame and naked gay men were running around proclaiming themselves the new fan club of Ganondorf.

Unless it was Sheik.

Link opened both of his eyes fully, staring up at his admirer. Dark ocean blue clashed with emotionless blood red as Sheik returned his stare. Finally the smaller boy sank down onto Link's mattress, the material caving in under his weight. Link tried to move back to avoid contact with him, but Sheik crawled over the boy, placing himself against Link and the wall. Link turned over, wondering exactly what the hell was going on. "…Sheik…?"

"Navi said I could sleep with you," he responded softly, turning over to face the Hero.

Navi said…?

Sheik pressed himself against Link innocently, resting his head on his chest lightly. Link drew in his breath sharply, trying not to fidget as Sheik's hair tickled his bare skin with light caresses. Navi was going to die; he was already thinking of horrible ways to kill her. He'd use a pea shooter to careen her into a Skull Kid's ass, and watch him fart her out. Or he could use her as Skulltula bait, and "forget" that she was in danger. Or he could use her for fishing bait. He'd always wanted to do that.

Back to the matter at hand.

Link shifted, trying to pull himself away from his love interest, but in the end, it proved foolish-it only brought him closer, and only made him harder. He suppressed a groan, ignoring the butterflies in his stomach, and his lightheaded feeling. He was going to have to remain calm. "…Sheik…" he started, exhaling slowly. "…Um…"

Mentally he kicked himself. Um? That was the best he could come up with? He was so, so screwed.

Sheik entangled himself in Link's warmth in response, sliding one of his thighs between the sheets, resting his knee on Link's hip. The material of his clothes weren't leather-it was smoother, softer somehow, and at the same time, thicker. Link cringed, feeling his body respond to such minor contact. He was so fucking pathetic. They hadn't even done anything, and there was no promise of them doing anything.

He had to calm down. He had to breathe.

Closing his eyes, he focused only on his breathing-in and out, just like he'd been doing all his life. In and out. In and out. Only he started to get other thoughts, not of his breathing, but of going in and out of Sheik. He sighed heavily, falling back against his pillows. Why couldn't he have been a girl?

"You ok?" Sheik whispered against his chest, drawing him out of his wishes.

Was he ok? What the hell kind of question was that? Nothing separated him and the object of his affection except for a fucking sheet, and he wanted to know was he ok? What the fuck was wrong with him?

"…I wanna be a girl," Link responded, staring up at the ceiling.

Sheik laughed huskily; he seemed rather amused. "Now why is that?"

"I have anatomy issues," Link responded, fixing his eyes on a chip in his ceiling. When the hell did that get there? "My cock is so big that sometimes it intimidates me. So if I have no cock then I can't be intimidated."

"You're scared of your own penis," Sheik interpreted.

"Yes," Link agreed. "It's a freak of nature."

"And I suppose it gives you nightmares too right?" he guessed, pulling away to stare up at Link.

Link nodded. "Once I dreamed it demolished the entire Kingdom of Hyrule. Naturally I don't look down while bathing."

"…You're such a fucking liar," Sheik frowned, eyes fixed on Link intently.

"I know," he agreed, finally tearing his eyes away to look down at the other boy. "I was just trying to lighten the mood." Mood? No, there was no mood. A mood would indicate that they had mutual feelings for each other. Which they didn't. So there was no mood.

Sheik's eyes searched Link over skeptically. Link felt like he was underneath a magnifying glass; he shifted uncomfortably, staring back at the other boy without trying to look as awkward as he felt. "And trying to make sure I didn't feel this?" Sheik offered finally.

Ok, there was a mood. A very hard, painful, frustrated, throbbing mercilessly mood.

Purposeful fingers wrapped around his erection, while red eyes stared at him with just the same type of emotion. Link yelped, snatching away from Sheik, who smirked in return. "I'm surprised Link," he announced. "You were all for soliciting me for sex this morning in the Temple. Now suddenly you don't want it?"

"You are drunk!" Link accused, knowing he didn't feel half as violated as he sounded. "You are drunk, and you are under the influence of a dairy product!"

"The milk wore off Link," Sheik stated matter-of-factly. "I'm not drunk anymore."

"…Then…what're you doing here?" he blinked, clearly confused.

He shrugged. "…I don't…really…know."

"Right, because I'm sure you fondle every erection you come across," Link half-glared at the smaller boy.

"Sorry," Sheik answered back, his face suddenly bright red. "I was just…curious."

"Haven't you ever had a hard-on before?" Link couldn't help questioning. He was sure they all pretty much felt the same, no matter who they belonged to.

Sheik shook his head, his eyelids lowering bashfully. "…not really…"

Link nearly fell out laughing. "Oh my goddess, what are you?" he exclaimed, trying not to embarrass the boy anymore than he already was. "You've never been turned on before?"

Sheik shook his head again, his face almost as red as his eyes. Link felt puzzled. He asked "Do you even like girls?"

"Do you like boys?" Sheik countered, opening his eyes to glare at the Hero.

What the hell kind of question is that? "I asked you first."

"…I…" The silence in the pause was deafening. "…I…don't know," he admitted softly, running his fingers through his short blonde hair in agitation. "I think I'm a little confused. Girls are pretty, but…guys are…I can relate to them better." Why was he telling him this? He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, sitting up at he did so. There was a certain level of trust that needed to go along with their relationship, but not that much. Now he probably just thought he was weirder than it was before.

"Wow, you Sheikahs are freaks," Link blinked in realization. "Do you do your cousins too?"

He wanted to explain to him that the only way the Royal family procreated was through inbreeding, but he didn't want to give him anymore ammo. He turned his back to Link, forcing his eyes to stare at the wall. Why did he even bother?

"So what, you're embarrassed now?" Link guessed. "For what? Cause you like guys? Big deal. Saria was a full blown lesbian until I was old enough to show her what she was missing. And Malon-you'll meet her tomorrow-goes every way you could possibly imagine. I once walked in on her and one of the horses…I was so scarred."

Malon? Tomorrow? Sheik turned back to Link, craning his head so that he could see him. "Tomorrow we have to go to the Temple of Fire," he urged his companion. "We've wasted enough time here already; we have to assemble the seven Sages of Time."

"Seven?" Link echoed skeptically. "I thought you said there were six."

Sheik shook his head, rolling his body over completely to face the other boy. A breeze crept in through the window, playing with Sheik's hair, tossing it about gently before washing over his body. It crept over Link's skin, wafting past his nose before passing over his sensitive ears and heading out of the door. It was almost as if it were taunting him, because on its surface it carried Sheik's scent. It was such an amazing aroma; it was so simplistic but still complicated enough to stir up his instincts. Link's eyes closed as the smell played with his senses, sparking something inside of him. He was attracted to that scent for some reason, the sweet lull of it lingering long after the breeze was gone.

"We can't make anymore detours Link; we must always be one step ahead of Ganondorf," Sheik was saying to him.

"How do we know we're one step ahead?" Link opened one eye, peering at the boy, trying not to sound as impassioned as he really was.

"We don't," Sheik breathed. "And-"

"Shiek," Link stated before the little Sheikah could get out the rest of his statement. "What are you doing in my room? What are you doing in my bed?"

It wasn't something that could be hidden so easily; it hung in the air like thick ropes of emotion from the ceiling, threatening to hang them both. It was magnetic, pulling them towards each other, but both of them were too stubborn to admit the attraction even though it was clear that's what brought them together. It was also clear that whoever made the first move was being the braver of the two, admitting the real reason why they were there, together in that bed. It was a stand-off: who was going to be the first to seriously admit that they wanted to fuck the other?