Fan Fiction ❯ White Walls... ❯ White Walls... ( One-Shot )

Hello peoples! I'm sure most people that read this, will be reading this due to the fact that they are already familiar with my tag name and my story writing style and are simply curious as to what the hell this piece is.

Well... Let me tell you...

It's an experiment, plain and simple. It's me trying something new again. This time though... I'll be using no one's characters at all. This is original writing.

IN FACT....

It is SOOOO original, that none of these characters will have names at all, or features for that matter. For example, the main character is female and she has a boyfriend. She never refers to her boyfriend by name. He is simply called "the boy". Do you see?

Anywho, I have had several people over the last year, call my infamous story "Twitch, Twitch" a horror. Now... that certainly hadn't been my intention, I had been writing what I thought was a romance! LOL At any rate, I thought... well.. if they'd like to see what MY horror stories look like... them I'll show them! *evil glint in my eyes* MWHAHAHAAHAHHA

This is what I like to refer to as a 'distilled horror'. In other words, I want no distractions of descriptors in this. It's just... pure horror. Or at least that had been my goal. Perhaps I've failed. I don't know. Feel free to tell me what you think in a review...

*Hiei appears*

ME: .... 0-0 What the hell are you doing here??? *looks at him with wide surprised eyes*

HIEI: *smirks* I'll be where ever I feel like it. *crosses his arms across his chest*

ME: ... Yeah but uh... why would you bother? I mean, you don't even like me-

*Botan, Yuusuke and everyone else from Yu Yu Hakusho walks in*

BOTAN: *looking pissed off* So! You were trying to ditch us, were you?! *points an accusing finger at me*

ME: 0-0''' *ahem* I... just.. oh my god... this is a nightmare.... *buries face in hands*

**And NO, I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho... they just barged in on my author notes -sigh- **


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PLEASE READ THIS WARNING!!!!!!!


Ok peoples, whether you know me or not...

My writing can be rather graphic and gruesome. This particular story deals with a emotional and mentally unstable female with a habit towards self-mutilation. This is NOT kid's play. If you are too young, too impressionable, or simply don't have the stomach for it PLEASE do yourself, as well as me a favor, and DON'T read it. Nothing good will come of it.



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"White Walls"




They put me there. In the end, it was all of them. It was too much. Even for me. By the time I was 18, I had lost my mind. The capacity for rational thought had ceased. In it's place I was driven forward by violent passion. It was the only voice left whispering to me. And it was powerful. But even if it wasn't, it's not like I would have resisted. I had finally reached that point. That point where it just doesn't matter anymore. What happens to you. Where you go. And who leads you by the hand there.

And in the end, it was a boy who took my limp hand. He was my age but his eyes were still so very young. How different from my own. Sometimes boys pick up broken things. They think they can fix them. But not this time. Some things are meant to be broken. And so am I. But it was ok. He was quiet. And now... so was I. I fell into his shadow.

I continued to disintegrate. Who could stop it? Even if I let them. I was simply breaking down. Dissolving into incoherent shapes and sounds. I stopped talking. I couldn't be sure I'd make sense anymore. And really... it didn't matter. I no longer had anything to say.

It became.. I became.. no voice.. if it wasn't his, no movement without his legs and.. No. It wasn't even that. Just distilled passion. A violent passion that knew no bounds. That no longer had restraint. A true danger to myself, to the fullest extent of that concept.

Then it came to that night. This madness, it has its moment. I wandered up that dark mountain. I couldn't see a thing. But I was used to the dark. It covered my mind and covered my soul. It was right to also cover my eyes.

I shivered in the dark, the pain. But I had no voice. It was trapped inside. Inside I was screaming... and screaming. And my face... it never betrayed me. Not even my eyes. They remained dull and lifeless, even as the pain seared me, coursing through my veins. Poison... dispersed with efficient accuracy to my soul.

My soul. It was dying. Crying out to this lethargic body. Begging for help. I laughed. How pathetic and weak. Even as tears slipped from my eyes. My body startled by the chill and contempt. I cannot allow this to continue. This loss of control. The poison was too much. It must stop. It must stop.

I took my beautiful blade. So pretty it was. With the black handle and gold dragon. A creature of grace and strength. How I wanted that. I flipped the blade open. Didn't need to see it. How many times before had it kissed me? My passionate lover that my body will forever remember. Even if I do not.

Slowly and desperately, I bade it love me deeply, and it kissed my wrists. But I felt... nothing. How could this be? And it kissed me again.. And again. Deeper and deeper. It had to suck this poison out... drain it from me. But I felt no better or number. The poison searing behind my eyes, I dissolved into tears. My body betraying me, as it convulsed involuntarily. And I stumbled back down to camp. To that tent. Of that boy.

But he did not stir. He slept like the dead. And jealousy and hate took me in their arms and gave me the strength of control. And I stood and walked away.

My friend found me. He had never seen my weakness. He did not see it now. But when he grabbed my hand, he recoiled. A fear came to his eyes, that I had never seen before. And his hand was covered in blood. I looked at him. Confused. What's wrong?

He had never acted like this before. This is nothing new. What I have done. It was so old. So repetitive. As to be... boring. And he, who had never betrayed me, he looked at me strangely now.

He wanted. He wanted to turn me over to... on of them. One of them.

I glared and turned black. I would have no further betrayal this night. So he forced me towards the faint light in the distance. The restroom so out of place amongst these night trees... and these night shadows.

He brought me by frightened and angry words. All that I could still remember the concept to anyways. But he would not touch. Not me. Not again. In his eyes, I had become something unknown. Something truly dangerous. And frightening. That being that he loved... she wasn't here. Only I was.

Didn't he realize that she never really existed? Of course... he hadn't. And now I was alien. And he pushed me along.

Oh... But if I could describe to you... that moment. That beautiful... ethereal moment... when I stepped into the light. In that moment, my heart was light. Because... as I looked down, my hands... had entirely disappeared... under a river of blood.

I had not been betrayed. I just didn't... just didn't. Had I grown so numb?

But my friend... he couldn't see. He couldn't understand. This ancient beauty. It transcended me. And I smiled.

He was weak after all. And he threw up. And I laughed at him and the pale woman in the mirror. But she understood. And she laughed right back. Her eyes held a light I had never seen before...

Absolutely fascinating. I keep staring...

I had created it. Perfect beauty. Porcelain against ruby. Both radiant in their clarity of color, and fluid motion.

I had wanted it... to last forever. For time to stop, so that change would never touch it. But I ask for something that will not happen. Cannot happen. Time inched forward. My friend came back alongside me.

Or perhaps I should say... 'the persona that I project to the world's' friend. For he did not... look at me... as if he knew me. Or... as if... he had ever known me.

I thought... perhaps I should introduce myself? But then I thought.... No... perhaps not. He looks like he scares easily. And I laughed. This seemed to bring him from the torrent of his thoughts. His eyes narrowed, as he tried to hide his fear of me.... behind anger.

What beauty it brought out... in him. With the angles of line and shadow upon his face... I smiled gently. He saw this as an invitation. Moved to shoved my hands under running water. It was not. I recoiled... Betrayed.

How many people live... if you can call it that, without... a single... deep thought? I looked... into those eyes... that I had known. There was no understanding... in them.

I saw that, I too, didn't know him. But with him.. What was there to know? He was nothing. I was surrounded by... these nothings. The realization... it struck. It stole the air from my lungs. My shoulders drooped.

So shallow... Their thoughts... his thoughts. He thought... suicide. That's what he saw when he looked at me. And for the first time... I looked... at my arms the way he did.

They were now.... completely covered... from the elbow down.... In blood. And from my pinky's, was a constant... drip. drip. drip.

Yes. I suppose... if you're mind... is so empty. So empty.

As I though about it... I knew. That really... if this resulted in death, which...I suppose is always possible, I would have to admit... that I didn't care. It wouldn't have bothered me... to put a period here.... on my life. In fact... this was.. to me.. a beautiful way to go. Absolutely perfect... in a way... I could never hope to recreate. Should the desire come.

And it did... the desire... come back... for me. Many times... throughout these years. Because. Of. Them.

I would like to say... that I... fought him as he cleaned me up, drug me back to camp. I would like to say they got it... they understood. But that would be a lie. And I don't have time, or interest, in lies. You have to deal with the truth. Just as it is. Whether you like it or not. And the reality was... that I was tired. Serene.. But tired.

This had accomplished exactly what I intended. A short period of time without pain... or memories. A quiet in my head and an unearthly calm.

For just a little while... this was mine. But others... their not supposed to come. Not supposed to be involved. This is a... solitary activity. Something they clearly had no concept of. The camp... all of them... it was an uproar. I saw them circle me... with wide frightened eyes. I stared back with a calm hatred in my body... and in my own eyes. Daring them to challenge me. All faltered.

My friend... stay directly behind me. Tightly gripping my arm. He knew... I would leave. And although he was afraid of me... he was more afraid of me leaving.

Though they all wanted to see or touch me... to cross over... none dared. They faltered before my fury. I had always carried a strength they couldn't touch. And no one... EVER got near me. So my female friends... they pulled me in their tent and slept close. And my friend.... they... guarded that I did not leave. How silly. I was very tired. And already done... .what I wanted.

All that night... I poisoned mother earth. As I continued to drip. drip. drip.

And the boy... this whole time.... never woke.

The morning came. And I smiled. Such a peaceful night... for me. And it was quiet. Despite so many people... very quiet. But it was time to get up. I wanted something for my sweet tooth. We unzipped the tents. The others climbed out. But I... I was lazy. I called the boy over. Lifting my hands... demanded he lift me up.

All eyes turned to me. My smiles. My sweetness. A strange sight... coming from me. I'm sure. The boy looked... lost. Uncertain. Only hearing about last night... just recently. He looked down... past my hands... to the deeply severed flesh... gapping wide.

...unable to close.

And still glittering a dark... bright... red. I shook my hands... impatient. Help me up! I snapped. But there was no real anger... from me. The wound was still fresh. I was still serene. He asks... a little scared... How do I know your hands won't come off if I touch them? How absurd. And I laughed. He's so funny. And he ever so carefully... helped me up.

This couldn't last... The calm... that I kept so long was unusual... special. But they guarded me. And the peace gave way... to anger. Now... it was locked up... that's where I should be. So they say.

As if... I haven't been like this all along. And still functioning better... then they. My rage grew terrible. So I thought I would... play.

Sure. We'll drive down to Emergency.... Sure. I'll tell them it was... suicide. Ha...Ha...

Very funny. So shallow.

But life... was monotonous. So why not waste time... and play along with them? I would only ride... with the boy. And the whole time... he was so quiet... eerily quiet.... since that morning a week ago.

The engine roaring monstrous under us... we arrived. I climbed out. And now... I was tired of this game.... that I had been playing. With them. I told them so. It is you.. I said.. that are crazy. I will not tell the... it was... suicide. What a lie.

Our voices rose. Crescendos... all out of chord. No harmony. Just... high... pitched... screams.

But I grinned. Eyes glinting. The beauty was... that you can't commit your child once they hit 18. Even... just barely.. 18. I sauntered haughtily... back to the boys van. Bounced on my seat... and turned to grin at him.

But... but... his face.

It rested... against the steering wheel. His whole head covered by a blanket. And he was... crying. Not just silk tears. But pathetic... broken sobs...

I was very confused. This boy never reacted to anything... outwardly. Yet here he was... crying... for me.

I recoiled... horrified. What did he want from me? What had I done to deserve this? Shut up.... Just shut up! This... this is below the belt. Below. The. Belt. I hated him... greatly. At that moment. Not that it stopped the thoughts... No matter how I tried.

That perhaps... this silent boy... saw something... that I didn't. Couldn't... when he looked at me. Maybe there really was... something seriously... wrong.

Defeated. My face cast down.. I mumble... slowly... with great difficulty... Do you... Do you want me to go there? To a... To a mental institution?

He nodded meekly. Refusing... to even look in my direction. He said simply... You scare me.

I looked at him... floored. He was... twice my height. Twice my weight. And twice my strength. It made no sense. But it made no difference.

I brought my knees up to me.... Buried my head between them. And said with a voice... as hollow as I felt... Fine.

We got out. I shadowed behind him. We all went in. My time here... it floated. Within the sterile walls... I hardened like concrete. And would speak to no one.

The boy remained silent too. He would not meet my eyes. Perhaps that was better. I'm sure they would reflect the emptiness... the hatred. Both fighting for control of this dissolute wasteland... of my mind.

The nurse.. I answered... slowly... carefully. Telling her only those few words... that were required. She kept asking questions... that were none of her business. The boy... must have thought... that I... couldn't answer. Attempted to speak... in my place. Of which... he knew too much about.

I became rabid. Shut your mouth! You will say nothing to anyone... without my permission! The nurse fled... at the veracity of my face. I lunged at him. The malice of my body apparent. I unleashed a torrent of venom... He never spoke again.

Regret. Is a word that is often not strong enough... to convey a moment. In this case too... it falls pathetically short of the... condition of my mind at the click of the doors.... of the lock down section of the psycho ward. The final click... when your on the... wrong side of the door.

The sound of it... echoes in your mind. It never stops. I can still hear it now.

You know, it's funny though. The Emergency... the ward... they all examined my wrists. I had told them. Yes. I have just done this. These are from today. Even if they are... a week old. And no one... denied it... or challenged it. Shouldn't they have known? Perhaps not though.

Just like that night... they were still gaping wide. Still had that bright glint... like they were waiting... on command... to spill over.

They cringed. But I loved... to look at them. So beautiful... and mine.

Forever.

What is hell? I have known it... in many forms. The ward though... it's like being buried alive. There is a wall between you... and the world. You lose touch with reality. It's like... you no longer exist.

Staring out from tinted... re-enforced glass... you never feel the wind. You can't smell the air. And concrete and staccato are all you can touch. But clearly the worst... is that here... all color has been washed out.

Everything is white.

That is... what drove me nuts. Was that... white. White walls. White ceilings. White floors. White clothes. White tables. White. White. White.

I hated it. I couldn't take it. I wanted to hide under my sheets. My sheets were white. Crawl into the corner of the bathroom... The bathroom was white. Run into the hall.. The halls were white.

I had to close my eyes.

This created a level of insanity.. I had not... known before. I wrote possessed... pages and pages... of endless words. Sentences disappearing under beds... I couldn't find where the periods had run off to.

I paced the halls looking for them. Looking for sense... in this world gone mad. My eyes wide... lips curled... I hunted alone.

If my face didn't make them keep their distance... my body art did. I lost all track of time. It had no meaning in here. I wore trenches in the halls. And left claw marks in the glass.

I do not... remember much... of my time there. I keep only two clear memories of my five days in confinement.

One being... the only person I spoke to... the woman I shared the room with. She was great company, as I never left my room... and she was always there, unable to get out of bed. Though... I can't say why... because I don't know. I only know why she was there.

Another suicide attempt she made.

And she was very close... this time... she assured me. I really liked her. She was complex like me. And in the same breathe... would tell me of how wonderful her husband is... how sad she is... and the beauty of how close to death she came this time... the bitterness of being found in time to be saved.

Yet as she spoke... she was completely calm.... Reflective. And very intelligent. I was sad to leave here vibrant personality. I asked to write her when I got out. But she smiled and said... That there was no point... she would finish what she started as soon as she got out...

The only other memory I have.. is mostly... just an image. Like a painting. Simply a moment in time. It was only once that I smelled the air... or saw the sky. Not even for an hour. I was surprised they allowed me it. Being that I was so... aggressive. But perhaps they thought... it might calm me. I never stepped outside you understand... It was a room... inside the structure of the building. It had no roof.... is all... just bars. So for the first time... in two days... I stepped into a room... 10 X 10... sat in a chair and looked at... a perfect blue sky... though wrot iron bars...

When the five days passed... I called the boy. Legally... they could hold me no longer. And he came for me... obediently.

And the glint... though it's gone from my wrists... has found a permanent home... in my eyes...





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Well.... For those of you who read it, please feel free to be absolutely COMPLETELY honest. Does it drag out. How do you like the style I choose for this horror. Does it add to, or take away from the feel or creeping horror. I'd love to know what you were thinking! I let you inside my head, now let me inside yours....

KURAMA: Well... *ahem* That was particularly grotesque. What motivated that?

ME: Oh, I don't know... Just general irritation at my life I suppose. I felt like experimenting and wanted to see how good I could do.

BOTAN: O-O This is just... sick. You need to be locked up!

ME: *growling* HEY! Remember! No one invited you guys. So you have NO right to complain!

HIEI: *feigning indifference* You are one twisted onna...

ME: *grinning happy* ^_^ Thanx Hiei!

*everyone keeps their distance, particularly Kuwabara and Keiko*