Fan Fiction ❯ Why Ganondorf is so Stupid ❯ Chapter 1 Totally Screwy Crap ( Chapter 1 )

Why Ganondorf Is So Stupid Or The Actual Story Behind The Legend Of Zelda Ocarina Of Time

Once upon a time there was a kid named Joe. Joe was an average Hylian who had too much time on his hands. One day he spied a Goron and viciously attacked it with a stick!! The Goron ran away yelling "Oh no! Not again!"

Meanwhile, the 3 goddesses were looking down on Joe. Farore, who had created all the humans, wanted to kill Joe mercilessly. Din agreed.

Nayru said, "NO. Let's just send him to the Realm of Exile."

Din and Farore thought this over and before Din or Nayru could stop her, Farore turned Joe into the immortal Ganondorf!

Of course, Joe didn't know he had turned into a man with a surprisingly large nose, and resumed walking around, looking for his lost dog.

When his dog saw him, he ran off yelling "AAAAAAAGH!"

Farore laughed her head off.

Nayru wanted to give Ganondorf (Ganon for short) BRIGHT ORANGE DAY-GLO HAIR. So she did. Now everyone could see Ganon coming from a mile away with that hair on his head! Nayru also made him evil, because as she put it, "Nothing HAPPENS here! It's so BORING!"

Din the Almighty took away his intelligence and replaced it with a rat.

Now Ganon had an evil rat in his head! Oh, poor guy!

Soon he wreaked havoc everywhere and everyone was mad at the goddesses for putting him there. So they stopped offering things to them.

"Um, how about we make a…a prophecy! Yeah, a prophecy that a…a young boy will come with a very cool sword and stop Ganon!"

"Why not kill?" asked Farore and Din.

"BECAUSE FARORE MADE HIM IMMORTAL!!!" yelled Nayru.

"Oh."

There was silence for a moment, and then the prophecy appeared on a slab of rock. "YO! LISTEN UP!" yelled the rock. "This here is a prophecy from the goddesses!"

Of course nobody listened because, remember, they didn't like the goddesses anymore.

"HEY! GETTING OLDER HERE!"

Finally, the people stopped screaming and running around in circles and whatnot.

The rock declared its prophecy and disappeared. The people were happy now. So they went back to screaming and running around in circles and whatnot. Hey, it was something to do!!

At that same time, a young boy woke up in the forest. "AAAGH! A FLYING THING! AAAAAAGH!!!"

"OH SHUT UP!" yelled the flying thing. "I have been sent by the Great Chestnut Tree to be your guide!"

The boy was very confused. "Don't you mean Peanut Plant?"

"Whatever." The flying thing said, "I'm National Guard."

"Hi, NG! How's it going?"

"I don't know. I'm incredibly stupid and only have a rabbit for a mother."

"o.O"

"I was adopteded!"

"Okaaaaaaaaaay…"

"HEY!" yelled another flying thing. "STOP TAKING MY JOB!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S AIR FORCE ONE!" yelled National Guard and flew away.

"Anyway, I'm Air Force One. Your name is…?"

"Link," said the boy proudly.

"Why not George?"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!"

"Well, the Great and Mighty Deku Nut has sent me!"

"Isn't he a tree, though??"

"Whatever." The flying thing said, "I'm a fairy."

"WHY DOES EVERYONE STEAL MY JOB??!!!!" yelled another fairy. By now, Link was very confused.

"AAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S NAVI!!!" AN: pronounced Navy. That's what the NG and AF1 crap is all about.

"Hey! You spelled my name right!!"

"Are you the right fairy?"

"Yep!" said Navi. "I swear to Din that I'm your fairy."

A lightning bolt hit Navi.

"Maybe you SHOULDN'T swear to Din. It's bad."

"Oh."

Up in Goddess Palace, Din had finished throwing her lightning. "I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!!!"

Nayru rolled her eyes and Farore patted Din on the shoulder. "There, there, it's okay, Din…"

"Ow." Navi had broken her wing.

"So, what do we do now?"

"I am waiting for a SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Navi.

All of a sudden Din yelled, "WELL, GET ON WITH IT!"

"THE SIGN HAS COME!!!!" yelled Navi.

"Let's go!" yelled Link, who was a little hyper.

"You need weapons first!" said Navi. "Let's see if we can find a shield and sword!"

"Oh, I have 5 copies of that card," said Link, misunderstanding. "You know it works really well with Kotodama because he has like 2000 Defense and 0 Attack?"

Navi rolled her eyes. "NOT THAT KIND OF SHIELD AND SWORD!"

"Well why didn't you SAY so?"

"Oh god…never mind."

So Link set off to find a shield. He also found many Rupees. "Chew the fat! I'm rich!"

Navi was very scared. "Well, go buy a shield."

"Okay!" Link came out of the store with a shield and a 3 Musketeers. He was very proud.

"Um…yeah. Now we have to find a sword."

"No problem! I've been using the Kokiri Sword for so long I remember where it is!"

Navi was confused.

"Follow that trail!"

A moment later Link was squished by a rock. "Squawk!" he said. "Look out! The purty parrotteers…"

"Ugh," said Navi.

Link was up a moment later, only to be squished by ANOTHER rock. "I will survive…I will survive…" he sang.

Navi was getting very aggravated.

Another rock rolled by and squished Link flatter. Navi was very cheesed off.

Link got up and ran away from another rock. Soon he reached the sword. "HURRAY!" he yelled. He was so happy. Then he got out of there by hitching a ride on his pet bullfrog.

Navi quit her job.

Now that Link was alone, he acted normal, which was almost as stupid but much more insane.

"Hey, shorty!" said Mido. """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""."

Link was moderately confused.

"I said, `Where'd you get that sword?"

"Somewhere over the rainbow…" Link sang.

"What rainbow? All I see is orange day-glo hair."

"AAAAAAAAAAH!! IT'S GANON!"

"Oh, shut up Saria," said Mido and Link. "He can't get in here."

Suddenly Ganon's pants fell down and he ran away crying.

"Toldja," said Link. "Whenever someone comes to Kokiri Woods with evil intentions, their pants fall down and they run away crying."

Ganon was back with a belt on. He laughed evilly and once again his pants fell down. Once again, he ran away crying. Ha, ha.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""," said Mido.

"Stop speaking Pikachu," said Saria. "It's bad for your health."

"But I was speaking Ble!"

"Oh never mind."

Link was confused because they were saying this in Hungarian.

"Stop speaking Irish. It's bad for your health," said the GDT in Irish.

"But we were speaking Turkish!" said Mido.

"No you weren't!" said the GDT, whose eyes suddenly glowed red and his voice was loud and deep and his breath smelled like diapers.

"Have you been eating toddlers again?" asked Saria.

"Um…no?"

Saria gave him a suspicious glance.

"IT WAS ME! I ATE YOUR BABY BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!"

"YAY!" yelled Saria.

521 languages later, a ladybug died of a heart attack. The ladybug had been so scared he died.

Ganon was back again! He was wearing suspenders, a belt, two iron chains and a stuffed animal.

Because of the cute fuzzy stuffed animal, Ganondorf got through!

"I MUST DEFEAT HIM!" yelled Link. His pants fell down because Ganon had no evil intentions this time. He just wanted to have a tea party, because the rat in his head was hungry.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Link. "I thought he was being evil `n stuff!

"Mwa ha" said Ganondorf. Since he laughed evilly, his pants fell down and he ran away crying, "Waaa waaa waaa."

Link was very, very happy. He was about to go throw a party when…

"HELLO!" Porky Pig had snuck up on him!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Link. "It's Navi!

And indeed it was! Navi was in disguise!

Navi said, "Your new partner is this…rock…thing…yeah…"

"I see no rock. All I see is a rock."

Navi smacked her head. "A rock is a rock."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yes, really."

Suddenly the Great Toddler-Eating Deku Tree said, "THAT IS NOT HIS COMPANION!!!!!!! HIS COMPANION SHALL BE A…uh…lemme think about that for a second."

While the "mighty" tree thought, Navi flew away and hit an electric fence, ha ha.

"PIKACHU!" yelled a nearby daisy. "PIKA PIKA CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!! A TALKING PIKACHU!"

"It's a flower that speaks Pikachu, you moron," said Saria.

"Oh."

"HIS COMPANION SHALL BE GANONDORF!"

Suddenly Ganondorf appeared. "Oh, goody! Who do we kill?"

"Some guy named Ganondorf. It's pure coincidence that you two have the same name."

"Same name, boy toy, icicle tricycle, moo Pooh, broom, uh…soom…uh…bigger-"

"Come on, Ganondorf," said Link before Ganondorf could finish his rhyme. "We can rhyme later."

"LATER, WAITER!" bellowed Ganondorf.

"NO!" yelled Link.

"No? Oh," said Ganondorf.

"SHUT UP!!!!!" yelled everyone in the world.

"I rhymed again, didn't I? Oh dear." Ganondorf was so disgruntled. DISGRUNTLEDED!

"I'm confuzzlated!" said Link.

"Aren't we all…" said Ganondorf dreamily, his eyes sparkling, wearing a tutu.

"o.O" said everyone…or did…uh…HALP!!!!!! I'M CONFUZZLATED!

"Aren't we all…" repeated Ganondorf dreamily, his eyes sparkling, wearing a tutu.

Suddenly Nayru appeared!

"GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!"

Then she disappeared.

"RHYME!" yelled Ganondorf.

Saria shoved her donkey into a gear and walked off, ignoring the calls of "Halp! Halp! I shall be destroyed! Halp!"

"Yays. He shall be destroyed, halp halp," said Link.

Suddenly the GDT yelled, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH I have found that there is a curse on me…or something. Anyways, Link and Ganondorf, it is up to you to, like, save me. ^_^ And if you do you will get a wonderful reward of this sparkly stone that you need to grow up."

Link yelled, "I DON'T WANNA!!!"

"TOO BAD!" yelled the GDT. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!"

Then his pants fell down and he began to cry. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," said the GDT.

"Oh all right…I'll go and stop…the curse thing…when I'm done watching Ren & Stimpy."

"Oh, okay," said the GDT. Half an hour later, he asked "Are you done yet?"

"No! It's a marathon!"

"D'oh!" yelled the GDT. "YOU BETTER DO THAT NOW OR THE AUTHORESSES WILL GET MAD!!!!!"

Somewhere up in the sky above even the goddesses, Cora Starlight and her hikari looked down and laughed their heads off.

"Poor guys. Look at what we're doing to them."

"Yeah," agreed Cora. "You want to make Link fall down a pit first and get eaten by a blender afterward?"

"Nah. How about something to do with Sports Illustrated??"

"Nooooo…uh…I KNOW!! THE RETURN OF NAVI AND THE REALIZATION OF GANONDORF!!!"

Of course, you really shouldn't be reading this…it's giving away the whole thing.

Cora suddenly noticed you and yelled, "GET BACK DOWN THERE!"

Instantly you arrived with our "heroes," who were still watching Ren & Stimpy.

"Ha ha, it's the Happy Song!"

"It's a happy happy happy happy happy happy song, it's a happy happy happy happy happy happy song!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The GDT was dying and he finally yelled, "GET ON WITH IT SAPS!"

So Link and Ganondorf scurried in dressed like Mario, their idol.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! A BIG PLANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"IT'S RELATED TO SPINACH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" yelled Link.

"Really? I thought it was related to Brussels sprouts."

"Oh never mind," said Link. "I'm confuzzlated again!!!"

"Aren't we all…" said Ganondorf dreamily, his eyes sparkling, wearing a tutu.

"Shut up, will you?" asked Link. "God, you just can't keep your mouth closed."

This hurt Ganondorf's feelings.