Fatal Fury Fan Fiction / Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Not So Late Night With Suzaku Seishi Tasuki ❯ Chapter 1: Seijuro Hiko ( Chapter 1 )

Not So Late Night with Suzaku Seishi Tasuki

By: Aino Utena

Rating: PG-13 for language, perversion, violence, and all that other good crap.

Summary: What do you get when you throw everyone's favorite fowl-mouthed bandit in front of a camera and have him interview random anime characters from random series? You get one hellva crazy, if not hilarious, talk show.

Author's Notes: What more can I say? I had to write this. It just screamed "I'll be funny!"

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters and/or the respective series that they hail from. All belong to their own respective creators and I am using them purely for amusement's sake. No profit shall be gained from this fanfiction.

Italics stand for character thoughts.

Chapter 1: Seijuro Hiko

Suzaku seishi Tasuki wanted to kick something. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to strangle something. He wanted to impose some form of bodily harm on someone. He wanted to fry the nearest idiotic cameraman in to oblivion, but...Oh no! Would you look at that? Someone, whose name will not be mentioned *COUGH*Utena!*COUGH* took said tessen away from him, lest he fry one of the guests. Yes, guests. Hotohori had finesse. Chichiri had composure. Chiriko was too cute for words. Mitsukake was...uhm...agreeable. Nuriko was popular with the fans. Any of the aforementioned would have been suited for the job and yet he was the one who'd been chosen. He wanted to think it was because he was cool, sexy, and best suited for the job. He really did. He knew better, though. He'd been pinned with being the host of a crazy, pointless talk show simply because everyone wanted to watch him suffer. So, while the camera crew went about setting things up and make up artists 'gussied' up random on-stage individuals, Tasuki sat behind his desk, forehead pressed against the polished wood.

Tasuki: Damn it all....why th' fuck'd I let 'em talk me in ta doin' this gig?

Nuriko: Oh Taaaaasuki-chan...

The less-the-happy bandit lifted his head, glaring amber daggers at the overly perky purple-haired seishi, resisting his internal urge to reach out and strangle the man until his eyes popped out of their sockets. Realizing that he was being a little too morbid, Tasuki forced a fangy, some-what resentful grin.

Tasuki: What th' hell do ya want, Nuriko? Can't ya see that I'm mopin'? Can't a man fuckin' mope in peace?

Nuriko: Sorry, Tasuki-chan. There will be no moping whilst on set. If you wanna piss and moan, you'll do it in your dressing room. We don't want your sudden case of PMS to upset the viewers.

Tasuki: I got PMS? Ha! I don't know what th' fuck yer talkin' about, Oh Cross-dressin' One. I ain't the one who actually has a vagina.

Nuriko: Ehehehehe...*Twitch* Tasuki Dear....*Twitch*...you look tired...why don't you rest for a bit?

Nuriko, unable to resist the typical urge to pummel Tasuki over his bad mouth, slapped the back of said bandit's head. The momentum from the incredibly strong seishi caused poor Tasuki's defenseless head to slam in to, literally in to, his desk, the sound of his forehead embedding in to the wood causing a loud crack to resound throughout the whole of the room as the desk slip completely in half. Nuriko, by now realizing his mistake, gasped as he looked down at the mess with wide, worried eyes.

Nuriko: Oh no! What've I done! (Dramatic pause) That desk was really expensive! (Sighs) Looks like we'll have to use the back up.

And so preparations went on whilst poor, abused Tasuki went on journeying through La-La Land. He was in the middle of having a decently odd dream centering Kouji dressed as Barbra Eden from I Dream of Jeanie selling exploding popsicles to old people suffering from severe runny noses when he felt something, preferably a long, pointy stick, continuously prod his shoulder. After several moments of trying to ignore this annoying feeling, reality came back to Tasuki and he sat upright in his chair, eyes glancing around wildly.

Tasuki: Okay! You don't have a vagina! You don't have a vagina!!

Faces were staring at him in confusion, some whispering amongst themselves, others simply staring with wide eyes. A few of this mass of individuals snickered at the odd exclamation. Coughs and giggles aside, everyone was silent.

Tasuki: Oh shit....I'm on th' air.....

Now feeling incredibly nervous, Tasuki plastered a cheesy grin on his face, the kind that all, but advertised "I'm happy-go-lucky and only want to entertain you with my misfortune". He waved at the silent mass that was the studio audience, plopping down in his seat, unsure of what the hell he should be doing. He glanced down at his desk, obviously a replacement for he one that he, or rather Nuriko, had broken with his head, releasing a sigh of relief at the sight of his stack of cue cards. He cleared his throat, twitched a few times, and shuffled his cards.

Tasuki: Lets all just forget th' vagina remark and move on ta the important part of th' show. Eh...our guest for this evening is from the series Rurouni Kenshin; 13th Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu successor Seijuro Hiko...

Audience: *Erupts in to massive, ear shattering screams at the mention of Hiko*

Tasuki: I WASN'T FUCKIN' DONE TALKIN', DAMNIT! SHUT TH' HELL UP AND WAIT UNTIL I TELL YA THAT YA CAN CHEER YA CRAZY BASTARDS!!

Audience: *Cricket chirps*

Tasuki: That's better. Anyway, all of ya, welcome Seijuro Hiko!

Seijuro Hiko waltzes on stage to some form of random, jazzy background music, his mantle billowing behind him in that typical awesome cape-thingy sort of way. The 13th Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu successor pauses mid-stride, casting an offended, confused look towards the quiet-as-death audience. Tasuki sighs, shaking his head. They were obedient, but a little on the side of stupid.

Tasuki: Ya can cheer now.

As soon as he'd given the okay the audience roared with hoots, hollers, and applause, which obviously pleased Hiko for he grinned at the lot of them, showing off his patented Hiko Sparkle. He chuckled at the sound of various female squeals; hearing anticipated "Marry me, Hiko-sama!"s and "I love you, Hiko-sama!"s. A pair of red panties with little pink hearts on them fell at his feet and the raven-haired sword master smiled slyly, bowing to the horde of screaming fans before scooping up the undergarment and casually tucking it in to the folds of his shirt. He and Tasuki exchanged a handshake, Tasuki not leaving his seat, and then another pair of panties fluttered to the ground at Seijuro-san's feet, the muscular man picking the white, wrinkled garment off the floor. He blinked as he unfolded it, paling visibly at the huge underwear that could only be described as 'Granny Panties'. He leaned towards Tasuki, spreading the cloth wide so that he could read the words written across the fabric in red marker. To Tasuki and Hiko: For a good time, call Billy-Bob. The pair looked up at the sudden sound of a loud whistle, catching sight of a rather obese, leather-clad drag queen with a lot of chin fuzz as he blew a kiss in their direction. The two men cringed ala Homer Simpson, Hiko dropping in to the plush chair beside Tasuki's desk, casually letting the underwear fall to the floor while Tasuki casually slid them under his desk with his toe.

Tasuki: Ehehe...so...Hiko, welcome ta th' show. How ya doin'?

Hiko: I'm not bad. There isn't much to do around my shack save for fiddling with my sword (Man, that sounds wrong) and making pots, but I can't complain. How about you?

Tasuki: Stressed, annoyed, sufferin' from a migraine, and on the verge of killing a certain purple-haired jackass. *Dodges cup that flies at his head from off stage* Aside from all that shit I'm just fine an' fuckin' dandy.

Hiko: *Raises an eyebrow at the rampant use of swear words, but says nothing*

Tasuki: *Flips through cue cards* All right...I'm suppose ta ask ya questions....uh...not askin' you that. *Tosses card away* Redundant question. *Tosses card* Ridiculous. *Tosses card* Wouldn't give me an answer if I tortured ya. *Tosses card* Dear god! Who wrote these fuckin' things?! *Growls and tosses card* *Reads over final card* Good. A decent one. A lot of people seem ta notice that all of th' people on yer show don't seem ta age all that much. Take you fer instance. Yer in yer forties or something, but ya look like yer only in yer late twenties or so. How do ya keep lookin' so young?

Hiko: *Reclines in chair* It's simple really. A young woman (Known to Utena as ChibiSamiSala) once theorized that we all stay so young by killing. Take my baka deshi (aka Kenshin) for example. He looked youthful as Battousai, but once he became a Rurouni he visibly started to age some, even though he was still pretty young. Hell, by the time Seisouhen rolled in I looked younger then he did, because I never really stopped killing. Sure, I don't go off slaughtering people every day, but sometimes you run in to a bunch of people trying to attack someone innocent and you've got to do, what you've got to do.

Tasuki: It kinda makes sense I guess.

Hiko: Of coarse it does. A healthy diet of killing roaming bandits while they terrorize traveling caravans and I look as young as I did when I actually was in my twenties.

Tasuki: *Twitches visibly* Ya....kill bandits...?

Hiko: Of coarse! They're easy to get rid of, so who better to work off wrinkles on then a bunch of bandits?

Tasuki: I hate ta burst yer fuckin' bubble, Bastard, but I happen ta be a bandit! Hell, I'm th' leader of my group of bandits! Er....at least whenever I'm not travelin' around with the rest of the seishi.

Hiko: *Blinks in surprise* You're....a bandit....?

Tasuki: *Glares* Damn straight I am!

Hiko: A bandit......eh?

Slowly, as if to increase an air of menacing-ness (Aren't I just a goddess of wording? -.-;), a rather demonic sort of grin made its way across Hiko's face. A typical, psychotic anime cackle left his lips as he stood up, unsheathing the sword that was ever present at his hip, the Hiten Mitsurugi master oblivious to the wide-eyed look on Tasuki's face.

Hiko: *Raises sword* TWENTY YEARS OFF MY LIFE!!!!

Hiko cackled maniacally as he brought his sword down, intent on slicing poor Tasuki in half. Luckily for the bandit, and for his horde of screaming fan girls, managed to dodge the slice, the desk taking the blow. The wooden structure crumbled to the floor in pieces, Nuriko's off-stage cry of "Not the desk! Not the desk!" ignored by the two men onstage and the by now howling audience, a crazed, sword-wielding Hiko chasing after the flame-haired bandit, who swore loudly as he dodged attack after attack.

Tasuki: Damnit! Why th' hell'd I let 'em take my fuckin' tessen away!

Hiko: Stop running away! I've got developing mouth-wrinkles that need to be taken care of! *Slice Slice Slash Cackle*

Tasuki: If I make a deal with ya, will ya stop tryin' ta fuckin' kill me?!

Hiko: *Halts in his tracks* A deal? What sort of deal?

Tasuki: *Halts as well, staring at Hiko in all seriousness* If I told ya that ya could kill one bandit and have the affect be like the equivalent of havin' killed three bandits, would ya stop tryin' ta skewer me?

Hiko: *Grins and sheaths sword* All right. I'm listening.

* * * * *

In a dark room a lone figure sits peeling potatoes, sitting on a small stool as the knife between his chubby fingers slowly removing all traces of brown from the potato in his other hand. This figure, who reeked of potato skins and body odor, muttered unendingly to himself, obviously complaining to the walls about how much his job sucked. An attempt at raping the Suzaku no Miko and momentary control of the Reikaku Bandits had gotten him where? A job of peeling potatoes and washing dirty laundry, which was neither fun nor easy on the stomach.

Eiken halted mid-peel at the sound of the door opening from the other side of the room, beady eyes squinting against the light pooling in to the room, trying to discern who the tall silhouette blocking the doorway could be. The figure took a single step in to the room, the door closing behind him, the resulting rush of air extinguishing the only candle alight in the room.

Eiken: Hey? Tasuki? Is that you? Bastard! Stop fooling around! What's going on, Damnit!?

The metallic sound of a sword being unsheathed filled his ears. Eiken gulped, fearfully clutching on to his spud peeler as he heard low, crazed cackling fill his ears. Somehow, he knew that he was screwed. Tasuki stood outside of the room, leaning casually against the wall, unable to hold back a chuckle at the sounds of Eiken squealing girlishly and Hiko continuously chanting "Good bye wrinkles! Good bye grey hair! Now Hiko will look young everywhere!"

Tasuki: I wonder what psycho they're gonna make me review next time....

End of Chapter 1

Stay tuned for the next chapter for our poor bandit interviews Fatal Fury's fan service icon, Mai the ninja girl! Watch out Tasuki-san! Her boobs are even bigger then your moms!

Tasuki: Fuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk!

Please read and review, everyone!