Fate/Stay Night Fan Fiction ❯ Fate - Season's Road - Einzbern Wedding Panic ❯ Einzbern Wedding Panic - Part C ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

By: Jyoohan

Fate-Season's Road

“Spring Project”

Writer - Jyoohan

Editor - Yuurei-san

Original Creators

Type-Moon

~*~*~

Einzbern Wedding Panic - Part C

Only a small ray of light was able to find its way into the murky cell. Archer looked up to the small rectangular hole with a triple rebar in place. Its shadow was cast on the Servant's face, a metaphor to his current predicament inside these cavernous confines.

Shortly after his quick and gutless surrender, Rin was a little more than touchy about the sudden plot twist. The only saving grace Archer had was the absence of the command mantra in this universe. But there's that and then the beatings and the ego bending from Rin's vibrant lips.

“Curse these bars! If I had only one of my gems, just one! I would have…” Rin seethed as she kicked the bars. The barricade rattled in its place.

The bars which held them in place were specially made to resist any kind of thaumaturgical attacks or curses. In other words, Rin could do nothing to escape her grisly cell. No spells, no dice, a simple way to detain magi.

“Ho-ho-ho!” A haughty laugh announced itself, “to think that `the' Tosaka heir would be trapped with not one, but two Servants in my dungeon. I can't imagine how one would feel.”

And how would it feel, to be trapped with a pair of Servants, mystical beings that could raze a city single handedly, and still be trapped in a mortifying place such as this?

“Ilya, if you don't let me out of this cell this instant, I'll…”

“You'll be out by sundown.”

“Eh?” Rin blinked.

“By then, onii-chan and I would have exchanged our vows already, kyaaa~!” Ilya couldn't contain her screams, and Saber's ahoge twitched.

Rin backed away from the dancing fairy, unable to process the thought that this was really happening. I mean, would Shiro really tie the knot with Ilya? “Impossible, for someone who doesn't have any ero-scenes, you can't be getting this kind of red carpet treatment.” Rin abruptly concluded, making Ilya trip and fall.

“S-silence! So what if I don't have any ero-scene?! Don't think you're all high and mighty because you have special CG treatment!” Ilya shouted and grinded her teeth.

“Oh, did I hurt poor little Ilya's feelings?” Rin cooed.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Don't think you're better than me because you had that crappy excuse of an ero-scene of yours! Nobody even liked that part of the game to begin with!”

“Stupid! Don't mention the—” Before Rin could finish her sentence, hundreds of Noble Phantasms whistled past Rin's form, flipping her hair violently. Ilya stumbled back as a wall of blades gleamed in the murky light. Hundreds of Noble Phantasms shook the bars viciously. And through a small crack, an aura of unparalleled enmity choked the air. His face hidden in the shadows, Archer approached the locked cell door, his wall of blades dispersing in his wake.

“Ilya-chan,” Archer's warm voice clashed with his fierce aura, “Never… ever… bring `that' subject matter up again, and there will be no `problem(s)'. Do you understand what big brother is saying?”

Ilya nodded her vigorously, tears ready to break free from her eyelids.

“Good,” and Archer recalled his noble phantasm back within his Unlimited Blade Work. “There-there, don't cry Ilya. And by the way Rin, since we're on the subject of ero-scenes, how about we finally make our own scene, right here?” Tracing a strand of Rin's hair, he gave a seductive wink.

“Wait… here… now?!” Steam billowed from Rin's face. She stepped away, retreating from his advances until he pinned her against the wall. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for escape, but only found mind tempting material: a dimly lit room, a half made bed, chains and shackles, two voyeurs, a wooden horse—

“Get that shit out of here!!” Rin flung the wooden horse at the author's face. (Sorry!)

“What's wrong, Rin? Have you decided yet?” Archer brought the climaxing plot element back to focus.

“W-w-wait, just wait, we can't do this here! This fic isn't rated for this kind of material, and… it's not that `time' yet…” Rin tried to hide her burning face.

“You'll have to forgive me, I can't wait that long.” Archer placed a gentle hand on her face, ready to take her lips.

Rin shivered as her head was spinning up down and around. Cornered like a wild animal, her predator ready to take anything and everything from her. She could feel his hot breath tickling her face. His face so close… “Noooo!”

The panic switch within Rin's mind was flipped. Emergency protocol took over in an instant as information was being sent and processed faster than the speed of light. Gears were set in motion. The ultimate peace keeping weapon of all women—the knee—was sent directly into the devil's maw.

The impact could barely be even described by this humble author. It was liken to a collapsing star. A whirlpool of pain and devastation as everything was being sucked into that endless black hole. Archer fell over, biting his bottom lip, and said, “My baby-makers...”

“K-keep your s-se…-sex drive in check you animal!” Rin stuttered. And which also puts the score at men, still with zero, and the knee with a long… long… undefeated record.

“Ahem, so, where were we Ilya?” Rin composed herself.

Ilya stared without a sound for a minute then said, “What are we talking about?” Neither Rin nor Ilya wanted to backtrack before the chaotic mess that had happened in the past page. “A-anyways, I just wanted to laugh and stuff, but I have to get ready now. So see you after the wedding!” Ilya scurried up the stairwell.

Hearing the heavy doors close, Rin released a sigh as she took a seat next to Saber. “Oh be quiet, you got what you deserved, pervert.” Rin replied unsympathetically to Archer's strained moans.

“Um, Rin,” Saber finally spoke up, finally breaking her lapse of silence, “if you don't mind, would you continue what you were saying earlier?”

“Earlier? Oh, you mean back in the plane?” Rin hummed to herself, trying to remember the plot element that was cleverly hidden by the author. “Hey, you, this is about us, not you!” A warning shot by Rin's Gand grazed the author's ear before finding a nice place in his wall.

“Rin.”

“Oh, sorry-sorry,” Rin smiled bashfully, “What I was trying to say was—”

-The Groom's Waiting Room-

Hopeless, it was utterly and completely hopeless. Chances of escape, zero. Chances of rescue, zero. Chances of (insert cynical adjective) death, a predestined fate. That's right, Fate (Jyoohan) and Destiny (Yuurei-san) was blowing bad luck for poor Shiro. All he could do was to wait for his moment of judgment.

Thinking back, there were a couple of things he could have done right… make that a lot of things. Sure, nobody is perfect, but he's human right? Human as a fictional character can get, right?

“Package for Emiya-sama!” A gold cart rolled into the room, a large package sitting atop. Shiro hesitated for a moment, wondering if it might be from Acht or some kind of trap sent by Sella. But his life was pretty much screwed already so it couldn't possibly get any worse, so he got up and began opening the package.

Sifting through the Styrofoam peanuts, Shiro pulled out a VHS cassette tape. The words `Play Me' plastered on the spine. It didn't feel like a trap, and the room happened to be equipped with the latest entertainment system. Heck, Shiro didn't even really care anymore. Popping the tape into VCR, Shiro's jaw dropped seeing the last person he never would have expected.

“Hey son, I think you're probably surprised to see me.”

“You think?!” Shiro replied without thinking, his deceased step-father, Kiritsugu on the TV screen.

“I'm going to skip to the point, since there's no way to explain how this video was made or delivered to you.” Kiritsugu said with ice cool, but a winter haired goddess suddenly appeared, blocking the whole screen.

“Honey, what is this?”

“Iris, please, I'm trying to make a video.”

“Oh, is this the video camera you've talked about? You're sending a tape to your step-son, Shiro right? They're supposed to be getting married but are they going to be alright? They are brother and sisters, but they're not blood related either.”

“You see… I'm trying to resolve that issue—” Kiritsugu tried to explain, but Iris cut him off.

“Hello Shiro, this is the first time I've met you—I mean—you've met me, since this is a recording. I'm Ilya's mother, Irisviel von Einzbern. You may call me Iris. Is Ilya doing alright? Oh, wait, you can't answer since this is a recording.” Iris blushed prettily.

“Sorry Shiro, she's not used to the convenience of technology. Iris, please, this is a… a father-son thing.”

“Father and son? Hmm…” Iris pulled a face, “wait… darling, you're still against this whole marriage thing aren't you?” Kiritsugu flinched, confirming Iris's claim. “I can't believe you! It's time to let our daughter go, dear. I know you're a doting father, and I love that about you, but this is your own son… I mean step-son. What are you so worried about—mmph?!”

Kiritsugu suddenly cut Iris short, sealing her lips with his. Shiro blushed watching his old man in action. Iris moaned as she got lost in pure ecstasy, her body weakening from Kiritsugu's tender loving care. Trailing a kiss to her ear, Kiritsugu whispered inaudibly, quickly receiving a `yes' and a compliant Iris leaving the room.

“Ahem,” Kiritsugu adjusted his necktie, “now where were we? Ah, right, the wedding. Shiro, there should be something else in the box I sent with the video tape. I'd like for you to find it quickly, right now, I'm waiting.” Kiritsugu sat still in the video for a minute, giving Shiro the time to retrieve the item. He dug around the Styrofoam but couldn't find anything else.

“If you still can't find it, just dump it. You should be able to hear it.” Kiritsugu said, as if predicting Shiro's mess. Dumping the box's content, a metallic ping rung on the floor. Shiro's heart sunk, a large caliber rifle bullet rolling on the floor.

“There's a Chinese legend about specially paired objects,” Kiritsugu began telling a story, “When the paired items are separated, they are bound to be reunited. You see Shiro, that bullet there is very `special' bullet because it has an older brother, you see.”

Shiro understood where this story was going… and it wasn't a happy ending.

“And if that wedding ceremony just so happened to go all the way, I have this feeling, just a small feeling, that the older brother… would come `flying' to find his lost little sister. Do you understand what I'm saying, son? You know how protective older brothers can be, right?”

Kiritsugu smiled innocently, while Shiro began to cry, the thoughts of, “I'm dead, I'm so dead,” repeating endlessly.

“Anyways, that's about all that I wanted to say.”

“Darling~*, are you done yet?” Iris's sweet voice called.

“I have to go now. Remember what I said, son.” Kiritsugu figure covered the screen before phasing out into static. Shiro stared blankly into the screen, hope fucked up beyond all recognition. All he could do was sit there and wait for his imminent demise. Nothing… there was nothing for him…

“Aahn! Not… not there.” A familiar voice snatched Shiro's attention back to the screen. There was no picture, but the audio was definitely…

“Oi, calm down, we haven't even started yet.”

“You know I'm sensiti—kya! Don't… t-touch me… there—uhn!”

A shot of blood spurted from Shiro's nose as he lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. “Nice job, old man…”, and gave a thumbs up.

-Back in the Dungeon-

“—do you understand Saber?” Rin finished, but Saber didn't reply. She assumed the Servant was deep in thought, very deep. Saber's expression was completely different from before yet still contained a bit of confusion in her eyes.

A booming sound suddenly echoed around the estate, loud enough to be heard even inside the cramped dungeon. Listening more carefully, Rin could hear a melody… wedding music! It's most likely a pipe organ coming from the wedding hall.

“Archer, you got us into this mess, take responsibility!” Rin pointed but found her Servant absent from the spot where he was in a fetal position. “Archer? ... Archer!” The Servant was at the cell door, small tinkling noises coming from his hidden hands.

“Hey, you better not be ignoring me! Stupid, listen to me.” But as she finished her sentence, the cell door squeaked open like it was the most natural thing for it to do. Faced with an awkward silence, Rin stared at her grinning Servant, twirling a traced key between his fingers before it disappeared.

“You were saying, master?”

Rin was unable to come up with even the simplest reply, trying her best not to show her embarrassment but failed already. Quickly turning away she mumbled, “You could have at least told me what you were planning,” and played with the ends of her twin tails.

“What was that?” Archer feigned deafness; however, he was only rewarded with a quick slap.

“Don't push your luck.” Rin grumbled, “Saber, let's go.” But the Servant didn't respond. Rin tried to drag the servant, but this time, Saber was immovable from her spot despite Rin's best effort.

“Leave her Rin. She probably has a lot going through her mind after what you said.” Archer opined.

Leaving the door ajar, Rin hesitantly left Saber, following Archer up the spiraling stairwell. Luckily, there was no way to get lost since all they had to do was follow the music till it got louder. The layout of the castle was nearly similar to Ilya's back in Fuyuki, making it much simpler.

Before long, Rin and Archer looked over a balcony and gasped in awe of the castle's foyer, almost half the size of a football stadium. There were even doves flying around in circles over the crowd. A vast glass roof leaked in natural light. And the amount of head space couldn't be compared to Ilya's old castle. Far too much detail for this humble author to fit into one paragraph.

“Are they serious? It's no different than being outside.” Rin said, looking down at the people below. The crowd looked like a mix of colors from their high vantage point, but one red head stood out from the alter.

Archer reinforced his eyes, zoomed in on Shiro's position, and almost let out a laugh watching the funny sight before him. The poor boy was soaking in his own nervous sweat as Ilya walked down the center aisle lined with gothic arches.

However, his entertainment was cut short when Rin grabbed Archer by the collar and dragged him down the nearest flight of stairs. The pair raced down the stairwells, almost jumping entire flights at a time.

Meanwhile Ilya just reached the podium. The audience had taken their seats. The withered pastor took a moment to clear his throat before he began the ceremony. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered hear today…”

And as the pastor continued with this overly rehearsed speech, Shiro's eyes caught a red dot creeping around the pastor's robe. The red dot first danced around the pastor's chest, then glided up his neck towards his forehead.

Shiro silently cried as the red dot suddenly disappeared, most likely pointed to the back of his head…

Somewhere in the imaginary clouds high above the stratosphere, a black barrel was exposed from the cloudy fluff. A wisp of mist passed by, revealing a laser beam pointing straight down to earth. Following the carbon barrel, a bulky sniper scope hummed, and through the intricate array of lenses within the scope, a large eye spied on the Einzbern Wedding.

Emiya Kiritsugu, step-father of the soon to be deceased Emiya Shiro, unlocked the bolt to his Walther 2000 Sniper Rifle, loaded a thaumaturgically modified .300 Winchester magnum into the bore, and locked `big brother for flight'.

Relaxing the every muscle in his body, starting from his neck down, Kiritsugu hugged his rifle like one would hold his women. Adjusting the telescopic scope, he eventually zoomed in on the castle then into the wedding hall. He could see his pride and joy walking down the aisle.

“Darling!” Kiritsugu jerked violently, glad that the safety was still on. “There you are, aren't you going to watch the wedding, dear?” Irisviel looked at her husband in a suspicious looking pose.

“Hm… are you hiding something?” She asked, but Kiritsugu shook his head all too quickly. Walking closer to her husband, she jumped to the side to be blocked by Kiritsugu. She jumped again, but this time to the other side; however, Kiritsugu barred her vision again.

Pulling a face, Iris turned and pretended to walk away. Waiting for her chance, she heard Kiritsugu sigh in relief, and in that moment, she jumped onto her hubby and saw his Walther 2000 Sniper Rifle over his shoulders.

“Darling, are your guns more important than your own daughter's wedding?” Iris said in a low voice.

“Of course not, Iris, please, this is a misunderstanding.” Kiritsugu barely kept his cool.

“Oh… then what am I misunderstanding?”

“Ah, well… you see, I thought that… since we can't go down there for obvious reasons, that I could… uh, use my sniper scope, yes, to ah… watch the wedding!” Kiritsugu scrappily put together. Iris stared into his eyes, her brow furrowed in seriousness. Why did he bother, Kiritsugu thought. No one buy such an explanation.

“Really?” Iris's face broke out into all innocence, stunning Kiritsugu. “So we can really watch Ilya-chan through this `soap', right?” Iris jumped on the gun, hogging it for herself.

-Intermission-

“At ore-sama's command, you will not ignore this intermission!” The author jabbed his finger annoyingly into the reader's face. “No, seriously, take this moment to calm down and prepare your heart (and gut), for the next few pages will more than likely make you fall off your seat laughing.”

“Agreed,” Yuurei-san appeared, “As an editor and co-creative-conspirator, I approve this message!”

“Yes, so you better still be reading. Because even though this isn't related whatsoever to the plot of this story, it was still funny to me. When it came out the first time anyways. Okay, I will stop using quotation now!” And thus the author stopped using quotation to spin his little tale of misfit and misfortune… sorta.

During one of those wild nights while the author was scheming with his most trusted co-creative-conspirator, this dastardly duo was conversing upon how Nasu and his evil plan to take over the world was inadequate without an Archer/Rin Route.

I mean, c'mon! Everyone wants an Archer/Rin route. It was the biggest mistake in this illusion we call a reality for Shiro to end up with Rin! Neither the author nor Yuurei-san could accept this vile veneer.

Then at that fated hour, while discussing this heated issue of an Archer/Rin pairing that has lasted since the dawn of Unlimited Blade Works. The author spoke those legendary words, “That's why someone needs to repair it, by re-pairing it.” And then after a brief pause of silence. “Repair… re-pair, hey, I made a funny!”

Yes… all that for a pun. I can hear you giggling already.

-Intermission out-

“Command to all squads, the escapees are on the move and currently located at level 2. The escapee's objective is most likely the foyer where the ceremony is taking place. At all cost, we must prevent the escapees from entering the foyer, over.”

“Copy, this is Echo team, escapees spotted. We—aaargh!!” Blast of static and explosion interrupted the comm. feed.

“Echo team, come in!”

“This is Delta, escapee has breached the perimeter. Unable to stop the escapee—,” Another explosion blasted the radio with static, “Oh no, Oh God—” The radio went silent.

“Delta, Delta, come in!!”

“This is Charlie, contact, we got heavy contact! What the hell are these escapees?!”

“This team Bravo heading over to Charlie's position.”

“God, get over here Bravo, we're getting murdered!”

“This is command. Charlie; give us a sit rep, over.”

“This is madness. It's Fubar! (Fucked up beyond all recognition) Swords are flying everywhere! He's a damn monster! And that girl, she's… shooting these things out of her finger. I don't know what the hell's going on. (Explosion) Little Mitch, No-o-o-o, you escapee bastards!” The angry soldier screamed defiantly but was silenced in the next second.

“Charlie, come in, Charlie! Bravo, get over to Charlie ASAP!”

“Wilco, we just need to turn the next corner and—Aaargh!!”

An explosion rocked the castle interiors. The final task force guarding the last barrier trembled. Dust fell like snow from the ceiling fixtures. Each soldier tightened their grasp on their weapons, a cold sweat crawling down their necks.

With a heart stopping boom, the thick doors shuddered, dust knocked out from its crevices. The remaining soldiers huddled together in fear as the door was rammed with inhumane force. But the door seemed to hold in place. A sense of relief began fill the soldiers hearts until a high pitch shriek cried out from the doors.

Where the large double doors held its place, sparks blazed as something was eating through the hinges. The shrill grind of metal against metal tore at the guards' eardrums, and the hall was met with silence again. The great doors creaked and fell with a loud thump, whipping up the ridiculous amount of dust that gathered in the small room.

Raising their rifles, the frightened guards tried to control their trembling hands. Placing their aim on a pair of figures hidden behind the curtain of dust, one let out a high-pitched scream and fired blindly into the smoke with his submachine gun, his comrades also firing away in their adrenaline induced fear.

Archer didn't flinch since the bullets didn't even come near him or his Master. Every piece of metal that came was easily blocked by an invisible shield. Small sparks flew where each projectile was deflected, and Archer approached them, only fueling their terror.

As the guns soon clicked empty, the dumbstruck guards could only look in fear when floating swords appeared. First there were five, then ten, then twenty, then forty… all floating in front of Archer like a broad shield. With a flick of his wrist all of his bladed weapons were pointed at the dread ridden soldiers. One by one, each soldier passed out, foaming at the mouth, unable to cope with the pressure.

“Eh… you probably went a little overboard on those guys.” Rin dusted her skirt.

“Not a problem, I used the back of my blades. They should all be still alive, and you didn't seem to hold back with your Gandr shot either.” Archer waved, “But more importantly, we have a wedding to stop, don't we?” and gave the last door the boot.

“Whoa…” Rin and Archer stood atop the last well of grand stairs and stared into the sea of people. It would take almost an hour to count all the people fitted into the entrance hall, but then again, Einzbern is a family that's been around for over a millennium so they're bound to have a large family.

“As expected, you plowed through our security like it was nothing.” Acht said from the base of the alter.

“You know your staff probably doesn't get paid enough to do this job.” Rin joked.

“Hah! You're probably right Ms. Tosaka, but that's hardly the issue now.”

“That's right! Couldn't you have waited just two more minutes? Why is everybody trying to get in the way?” Ilya ranted while stomping her feet.

“Well isn't that obvious? It's simple, because you aren't the main heroine!” Rin jabbed a finger, and Ilya stumbled back in shock as if she took a physical blow.

Her face bleeding red from anger, Ilya screamed, “Don't get so bigheaded! I am too a main character! I'm listed just below Archer in the wikipedia page for Fate/Stay Night!” and even had laptop with the disputed page, courtesy of Leysritt and Sella's quick response.

“Do we have to talk about the ero-scene issue again? Because by all means, I'd win the moment we step further into this topic, Ms. Fifth Place.” Rin flashed a grin as an ominous aura permeated like a plague from Archer's being; however, another aura matched Archer's intensity. Berserker growled at the white haired Servant, both men vying for psychological dominance.

“Shut up, that was only the first poll! And you seem to have forgotten that my Berserker still has God hand! I doubt your servant can extinguish all of Berserker's twelve lives with his Noble Phantasm.” Ilya sneered.

Rin clucked her tongue. It's true that Archer may be able to easily take out half of Berserker's lives, but doing the whole job single handedly would be a problem. Not to mention, Ilya also had two talented homunculi maids, and that pervy Head of Einzbern, Acht, more than enough to distract Archer's attention.

“Rin, you are starting to disappoint me.” Archer sighed, “A talented magus such as yourself would not let this simple problem put you down right? And besides, this isn't the worst you've faced compared to the past.” Archer's sly bit of assurance was awarded by a smile from Rin.

“Hm, you have a point. And as a true magus, I have an obligation to give it my best shot, don't I?” Raising one arm, Rin's hand begins to glow brightly like a miniature sun. A bead of ether changed meticulously, and Archer cradled the clump of ether in his palm also.

“The ancient weapon created by the old man to control the 2nd magic…” Rin's grin grew wider.

“What?! It can't be!” Acht screamed. It was too late to stop the process. With Rin's guidance and Archer's unparalleled tracing capability, a weapon that could even take down a god was about to be reborn.

“Jewel—”

“Rin-sama! Oh, this is odd!” A brightly decorated stick with gaudy wings spoke, “For the strangest reason, I am having this nagging sense of déjà vu, like I have crossed through an infinite amount of dimensions to be reclaimed by your rightful hands!”

Rin stared at the magical artifact, then at the gaudy looking magical girl dress she was suddenly wearing, and finally turned to Archer, who replied, “Better late then never,” and had his faced smashed in.

“What do you mean better late then never?!” Rin was ready to beat her Servant half to death.

“It's not my fault. The stupid author made that dumb promise about bringing Ruby in, remember?” And sure enough, back in Chapter 8 of Season's Road, the weird attempt at extras did mention the plan of further embarrassing Rin at her expense. (Don't be shy, I know you went and checked)

“No-o-o-o! What about the transformation?!” Acht screamed out of nowhere.

“Huh? Transformation?” Ilya asked.

“Don't you watch Shoujo anime?! When the girl's clothes magically disappear and she's naked for almost 10 seconds? It's almost good as porn!” And Acht was silenced by Ilya, using Leysritt's halberd, though it was hard to tell whether Acht was hurt or the poor halberd as a bit of smoke rose from the point of impact.

“Still, even with that silly looking stick, it's no match for Berserker!” And with that, the ashen skinned Servant jumped into the air, ready to strike Rin from above.

However, the `silly' looking stick happened to overhear Ilya's little rant and replied, “Lovely Death Geyser!” A fountain of water swallowed Berserker out of midair and tossed him around like he was in an oversized washing machine.

Outside, the front door was shooting jets of water from its growing cracks. Soon the overwhelming pressure blew the giant double doors wide open, a tidal wave of water gushed out like the Hoover Dam. The wedding invitees and berserker were sprawled unconscious outside. Ilya and the others were safe thanks to Leysritt and Sella constructing protective barrier at the nick of time.

“How do you like that for a `silly' looking stick?” The magical stick Ruby steamed but was struck to the ground, creating a small crater. “R-Rin-sama, what was that for?”

“Don't go manipulating my body without permission! Do you know how embarrassing it was to say that?!” Rin blew fire out of her mouth.

“I thought it was rather cute.” Archer opined and had his face smashed in again.

While Rin was fighting with her newly acquired mystic code, Ilya was in utter shock. Though her Servant was still alive, that magical artifact immobilized Berserker with a single attack. Ilya's lip began to quiver, the thought of losing her big brother about to make her cry.

“The show's not over yet!” Acht shouted and gave his granddaughter a reassuring hug. Amazing how this old man recovered so quickly. “I, as a Lord of Einzbern, am always prepared for the worst case scenario. Come princess of darkness!” Acht sounded like he was reciting a script from a cheesy Maho-Shoujo anime.

At his feet, Acht's shadow began to Acht strangely. The shadow began to expand and pool enormously. And from it, something was coming up. It looked like someone's head completely covered by a black shroud. And around this mysterious figure, snake like belts quivered with menacing red stripes.

“Nee-san.” Shiro recognized this voice. Out of the blackened shroud, Sakura's face first appeared then the rest of her body, clothed in a flowing black dress with red pinstripes.

“Saku—”

“Sakura!” Rin interrupted Shiro, reducing his importance even further in this chapter. “Thank god you're here. Let's take that idiot and get out of here already.”

A giggle that sounded almost too innocent, Sakura stared up to her stunned sister and said, “Go where Nee-san? I'm going to stay here, with senpai.”

“What?!” Ilya screamed.

“No worry, no worry, Ilya-tan, everything is under control.” Acht said with a thumb-up, “It seems that girl is infatuated with the Japanese boy as well, so I struck a deal saying that she can marry him too after this wedding. Who knew she had such magnificent power.”

“You… did… what?” Ilya petite form trembled, while Acht stared at his granddaughter strangely, wondering what could be wrong. “You're going to let… my onii-chan… marry her, too?”

“It's not a problem. Polygamy is common in aristocracy.” And Acht laughed.

“That is the problem you womanizing old scum!!” All of Ilya's magic circuits were on fire as a pure mass of ether swelled above her head. Before Acht could reply, Ilya smashed the massive ball of inferno onto the Einzbern Lord. After the explosion, Ilya groaned as the dust settled. She had all the intentions to kill him, but the old man was still alive in the crater Ilya just created. The Einzbern Lord was built like a cockroach Ilya thought.

“Do you know what the hell you're doing Sakura?!” Rin argued while dodging her little sister's attack.

“Of course Nee-san, I'm finally going to have senpai.” Sakura replied, summoning more of her shadow familiars.

“What's wrong Rin-sama? Why aren't you attacking?” Ruby complained.

“Shut up! I'd rather die then do one of those embarrassing attacks of yours!”

“This isn't the time to get flustered over such a small thing. You're other dimensional-selves didn't seem to have a problem after witnessing my exotic attack power!”

“There's nothing exotic about it, and there's no way in hell that I'm going to reduce the Tosaka name in this kind of shameful manner!” Though Rin said this with conviction, there was no chance of victory if she couldn't counterattack.

Ruby let out a disappointing sigh and said, “I guess I have no choice then Rin-sama.”

“Huh?” Rin suddenly stopped and took a brave stance against Sakura's shadows. “What's going on? Why can't I move?!”

“Forgive me Rin-sama, but if I let this continue, you will be a disgrace to all magical girls everywhere.”

“Who cares? I never wanted to be one in the first place!”

“So with a heavy heart…”

“Listen to me you shitty stick!”

“I will guide you to victory, Rin-sama!”

“Stop it, you're manipulating me! No count, this doesn't count!”

“Ultra…” Under Ruby's control, Rin began to chant a spell, twirling Ruby one too many times and striking a very humiliating pose. Rin drawled out, “Harmony Obliteration!!!” Beams of light shot forth from Ruby and twisted like snakes in the air.

Ultra Harmony Obliteration uses a condensed form of ether to create multiple snake-like projectiles. Each projectile acts independently of each other, obliterating anything classified as a target. Though it looks like the attack is a stream of light, in actually, it's only a small orb of ether the size of a marble. The tails will try to cut through anything because of its massive release of kinetic and incendiary energies, resulting in the wild flailing motion of the tail.

“Or something like that.” Ruby explained.

“I don't want to hear your explanation! Stop using my body!” Rin seethed.

While Rin and Ruby were arguing, UHO was eating Sakura's shadow giant like kids going for after dinner dessert. However, Sakura remained calm despite her last familiar falling at her feet.

“Why Nee-san, why are you interfering with my happiness?” Sakura's whisper was barely audible. “Why won't Nee-san just go away?!” Sakura's aura suddenly exploded, a fearsome pressure attacking everyone's psyche.

“Oh-ho? This is bad. It seems like something is controlling Rin-sama's little sister.” Ruby opined.

“What? Sakura's under control, too?”

“If we don't stop Rin-sama's little sister, a prolonged battle might result in damages at a dimensional level!”

“How bad is that?”

“Really bad! We're talking at a dimensional level, Rin-sama! We don't have time to spare. We're going to use the `ultimate attack'!”

“Wait, what?! Use someone else! I don't want to do this!” Rin cried.

“You have no choice, Rin-sama! You have responsibility as an older sister!” But before Rin could begin her magical stick twirling, a pale figure with lustful eyes appeared in Rin's face. Ruby immediately created some space between its master and the strange new opponent.

“What's wrong Rin? Are you afraid of me?”

It took her a moment to realize, “Archer?” Rin gasped seeing the once tanned, gallant figure now almost pale as fallen snow and clad in jet black armor.

“Bad to worse! When did little-sister-sama nab Rin-sama's partner? … Um… Rin-sama?”

“Huh, yes, what?” Rin seemed to have snapped out of a daze.

“… Rin-sama, what were you thinking?” Ruby asked suspiciously.

“N-nothing, we just need to beat the crap out of him for being so weak, right? Abandoning me like this! Yes, that's right!” Rin said with a little too much enthusiasm.

“I see, in any case… Rin-sama! Why are you blushing?!”

“Huh? No I'm not. It's just a little hot that's all. This costume doesn't ventilate you know.” Rin fanned herself.

“Face it Rin, you want me.” Archer suddenly grabbed Rin around her waist, pulling her close so she couldn't escape. Cupping one side of her face, Archer was just about to steal kiss, but Ruby smashed Archer's face in before dragging Rin to safety.

“Why the hell did you go and do that?”

“A-ha, so you were falling for his shady charms!” Ruby caught Rin red-handed.

“N-n-no I wasn't! I-I-I was just…” Rin took another peek glance at Archer's new `dark' form and resisted the strong urge to swoon.

“How dare you tempt my Rin-sama's pure maiden heart, you devil!” Ruby steamed, though the purity of Rin's heart is more or less… questionable. “For this grave sin among sins, I will wipe your treachery clean from this universe!” Ruby hummed with ever increasing power.

A strange remix of a 90's synthesizer music coming on, Ruby was spun expertly about fifty times before Rin/Ruby finally said, “Starlight,” and rainbow beams of light flashed out, inducing seizures upon the readers if any actual video footage was ever possibly made. “Megiddo,” Tossing Ruby high into the air, Rin strikes another random pose before Ruby lands neatly in her hand and spins it some more.

“Therapy,” Striking her final pose, Ruby changed to an even gaudier, elaborate form, with oversized gemstones and feathers. With Ruby's ultimate form over Rin's head, Sakura let out a prolonged scream as she summoned as many of her shadow familiars with Dark Archer leading them at the head. “Devastation!!!” With Ruby at the apex of the attack, millions of rainbow colored beams perforated everything within sight into Swiss cheese then to oblivion.

The flash of light reached higher than heaven, almost blinding Iris, who was watching through the Walther 2000 soap—I mean—scope. Iris tried futility to rub the stars out of her eyes.

“What is it? What's going on?” Kiritsugu slipped past Iris and grabbed his gun; however, his goddess of a wife was on top of him in a heartbeat. While the two love birds engaged in an odd yet kinky display of wrestling over the sniper scope, Iris heard a familiar click, that familiar click when the safety is turned off.

“Darling,” Iris pulled on Kiritsugu's neck tie, remembering her husband's old habit of switching the safety on whenever he's about to shoot seriously. “There would be no reason for you to load your rifle, correct?”

“What? No… of course not. Why would I ever do that?” Kiritsugu said while secretly trying to extract the bullet from the bore.

“You're doing it again! I don't like it when you hide things from me!” Iris tried to wrestle the gun away from Kiritsugu. “Why would you try to kill your own son?”

“It's step-son, and I'm not trying to kill him! I, uh… was sending a message.”

“With a bullet?!”

“It's the fastest way!”

“Stop lying to me!” And this skirmish went on back and forth, on the floor, rolling on top of each other, neither husband nor wife was ready to give up the rifle.

And back on earth, as the miniature sun dissipated from Ruby's ultimate attack. Rin slowly opened her eyes, expecting to see the entire castle in ruins, but nothing. There was no structural damage after all that dancing and prancing light show.

“What the hell kind of `ultimate' attack was that?” Rin strangled Ruby, uh, tried to.

“R-Rin-sama, don't you know original purpose of magical girls? When the forces of evil try to take over the world, they infect innocent bystanders or support characters, and it's the magical girl's duty to release her friends from the clutches of evil.” Ruby explained.

“Which means,” Rin turned to where Sakura and Archer were. Running to her little sister, Rin noticed a very weak trace of the shadow still inside Sakura's body.

“Ho-ho, it seems like Rin-sama sister's life force is connected to that strange shadow. A rather troublesome thing this turned out to be.” Ruby hummed.

“So it seems, but it would have been bad if Sakura didn't have her shadow form. We would have lost a bunch of joke options.” Rin said, hinting to the author to start using Sakura more as a source for humor.

“Rin…” Archer dragged himself to Rin's side. He was a complete mess. His clothes torn apart, exposing his Gar-ness.

“A-Archer!” Catching the tattered Servant, Rin barely held him up and blushed prettily. It felt awkward, but she kind of liked, having him in her arms. But Rin's happiness was rudely interrupted when a certain hand went further south than it should have.

“Come on, give it a little squeeze.” Another voice said from behind. Staring up behind her, the Einzbern Lord Acht gazed up into up-skirt heaven with red veined eyes.

Feeling a small ounce of pressure on her gluteus-maximus, Rin pulled Archer's arm and shoulder tossed him onto the Einzbern Lord with all the strength in her body.

“Wait, Rin, it wasn't me. Something's controlling me!” Archer pleaded, his eyes flashing between black and white, but Rin wasn't in a listening mood. The magical girl was overwhelmed in silent fury.

“Ruby, you said it was a magical girl's duty to rid of this world of evil, correct?” Rin said very calmly.

“Y-yes, you are correct.” Ruby sounded nervous.

“But don't you think your methods are a little… outdated?”

The background flashed with lightning as Ruby heard this outrageous statement. “How could you say that, Rin-sama?!”

“Because you're weak and naïve!” Rin made Ruby shrink in shame. “Such soft and benevolent methods would never work in this world. Yes… what we need is power that would wipe out their very existence!” Rin began to laugh maniacally. She seemed to have lost it as Ruby was emitting even more power from the previous attack.

“I'll dye this world in strawberry blood!”

“Stop her!” Ilya screamed. Sella and Leysritt jumped on Rin, trying to stop her from unleashing hell on earth.

And while all this madness continued, Shiro stood at the altar, clueless as to what the relevance of this chapter was anymore. The priest was still spouting off, his words not important anymore.

“Saber, where are you?” Shiro whispered.

Bang, a crack of thunder echoed from heaven. As the Walther 2000 sniper rifle's barrel emitted a wisp of smoke. Iris and Kiritsugu huffed and wheezed as they stared each other down. But less then a second later, Iris jumped onto her hubby, madly kissing him like she was trying to eat his face.

And while the lovely couple tried to suffocate one another, the `magic' bullet descended to earth like a meteorite. The bullet's body began to glow like a bloody fang as it approached its target. However, a couple of things got in its way and had to make quick last minute changes.

Smashing through some country's spy satellite, the magic bullet altered its course away from Africa and corrected itself onto Europe, but its journey had only just begun.

Blasting its way through the stratosphere, it clocked Big Ben in England and used the national landmark as a springboard to fly towards France, where it ricocheted around the Eiffel Tower before it sprung loose towards Italy and ran a lap around the coliseum before it sling-shotted itself towards Germany.

Then as it was carving a path through the German evergreens, Berserker happened to have recovered from his fainting spell only to have the wayward bullet strike him in the back of the head, effectively knocking him out again and deflecting the `big brother' into the Einzbern clock tower, striking six enormous bells in a melodic sequence.

With a final strike, the bullet now carved holes almost four feet in diameter all around the Einzbern Castle and struck Ruby—for better or worse—who unleashed a torrent of energy harmlessly into outer space. From a full planetary view, the blast looked like dancing particles before it charged up into an infernal pillar of light sticking out of the earth.

With its final destination in sight, the magic bullet screamed towards its target, Emiya Shiro. Time slowed as the bullet's subsonic force sent subtle ripples in the air. Shiro could see the bullet slowly come to him and his life flashing before his eyes.

`Was this the end?' He thought. Closing his eyes, Shiro let it be and waited for that sleek piece of metal to strike his skull, but a different sound struck his ears. A loud ping pierced the Shiro's ears as a blonde haired angel descended from above. The holy blade, Excalibur, sliced the bullet in half, and the two cut pieces of metal created its final two feet diameter holes in the Einzbern Estate.

Landing on his rear, Shiro found himself in a very similar position as he looked up to his savior. Saber looked radiant as ever while the setting sun glared through the many holes in the castle.

“Shiro!” Saber's raised voice shook him out of his reverie. “I understand what I must do now. As Rin told me not too long ago, recognizing the mistake is only the first step, but the second step is the most important of all. One must have the courage to correct that mistake. A-a-and that is why… Shiro, I'm sorry!”

Shiro blinked, completely at a loss of words and trying to figure out what was going on.

“I abandoned my master, whom I've sworn to protect, and there's no possible way you could possibly forgive someone like that, but if you could. I… I want to stay by Shiro's side. I'll grow stronger so I—” Saber began to lose her composure as she fumbled with her words, “s-s-so, please, forgive me,” and bowed her head.

“Saber,” Shiro whispered then smiled. “I do.”

“Eh?” Now it was Saber's turn to blink in surprise, ignoring a certain priest rambling on. “Just like that?”

“Yep, I forgive you, but uh…” Shiro scratched his head, “I think I should apologize, too, since I pulled everyone into this complicated story.”

“There's no need to apologize, Shiro.” Saber said while Rin and Archer growled

“Well, I suppose we should head home now. You feel hungry Saber?”

With a genuine smile on her face, Saber replied, “Mm, I do.”

“And now I pronounce you, husband and wife.” The priest proclaimed.

“Eh?” Shiro and Saber.

“Eh?” Rin and Archer.

“Eh?” Ilya and Acht.

And everyone, all together now, “E-e-e-e-e-eh?!”

-One week later, Emiya House-

-Epilogue-

And so that was how the skirmish at Einzbern Castle came to a sudden climatic (or anti-climatic) end. Stretching her stiff muscles, Rider let out a strained moaned before pausing the DVD player.

“Is this the right portion, Sakura?” Saber asked, working devotedly in the kitchen.

“Just a little more, Saber-san.” Sakura replied, teaching the servant the know how's of the kitchen.

After the wedding incident, Saber suddenly had a new fire in her eyes as she readily took up more responsibilities in the house. The house has never looked better since Saber literally became the new mistress.

“The pot's boiling over! Quick, turn the stove off!”

But the kitchen seemed more like a gauntlet to the once chosen King of Knights. It was funny how it all started. Saber humbly requested Sakura to teach her how to cook. There was a hidden veil of cynicism when Sakura gladly complied.

Rider assumed Sakura was going to give Saber all the wrong instructions, but her plans soon backfired when she found out that Shiro was going to be the one eating the food. Like Sakura could ever prepare poorly cooked food for her senpai. And so poor Sakura was now molding Saber into the perfect housewife—

“Sakura… I think the oven's burning.”

—or trying…

“Afternoon, Rider-san,” Shiro greeted, “Did you order a DVD?”

“No, this is actually a DVD of the wedding a week ago, see?” Rider grabbed the remote and began skimming through the scene selections. “That Einzbern Lord sent us a copy.”

“Is that when Tosaka was…” Shiro covered his mouth.

“Yeah, I got it all on camera.” Rider couldn't stifle her giggles.

“Wait, you filmed the entire thing?”

“Where do you think I've been that entire time?”

Shiro tried to reply but was stunned when he saw Rin striking a very humiliating pose. Apparently someone added some special effects, most notably the neon hearts and stars. “Does Tosaka know about this?”

“It's best she doesn't know that there's already over hundreds and thousands of copies.”

“… … …”

-Part `C' Complete-

~*~*~

Author's note:

Oh hell… freakin' (insert explicit word), I'm finally finished!!! Yaaaa-raaa-raaaargh!!! (makes more strange noises… and some more.)

… … I don't know what else to say. I'm burned out. Keep reading below or you'll regret it. [6/25/2008]

Footnotes:

Rin's Special CG - I do not and will not talk about this. You do not understand how I was anticipating this but was completely disappointed. (Makes angry noises) Only saving grace is Realta Nue.

Wooden Horse - It's in a special category in the adult section. It's weird, but a good joke to use on some occasions… if you're into that.

Twin items legend - This was based off of Archer's Kansho and Bakuya, where twin items will always return to each other. Look it up for better detail.

Walther WA 2000 - This awesome sniper rifle for the eternal badass is a `bullpup' rifle designed as a specialized police sniper rifle. Shorter than the average sniper rifle yet still utilizing the same barrel length, this is a perfect weapon for the elite of Assassins, costing a whopping $75,000 to $80,000 due to its rarity today.

Ms. Fifth Place - The first character poll done by Type-moon resulted with Ilya in 5th place, though I kind of feel worse about Sakura's ranking… (Whisper*6th*cough)

Maho-Shoujo - Mostly referring to the classic magical girls back in the day like “Sailor Moon” for example a great example. Yes, I've watched it, and you've watched it, too… depending on which generation one was born in.

Maho-Shoujo transformation - Clothes disappear and lots of light and glimmer as small pieces of clothing suddenly appear from nowhere, slowly covering them up from the nude… who the hell came up with this?

Ruby - From “Fate Hollow Ataraxia”, Ruby is the `other' magical artifact left by Zelrecht. A lot of inspiration thanks to Kalmia's “Last Battler” for this fic.

Ruby's attacks - Mostly Kalmia inspired with some Sailor Moon parody.

Dark Archer - You can thank Yuurei-san for Archer's new alter-ego. Expect to see him in some future projects. (Devilish laugh)

-Alternate Ending-

In a dank corner of the room, Ilya paced with agitation. The wedding was a flop, her grandpa was still alive, and this final contingency plan is all that she has left. Just a little more time, a little more time was all Ilya needed, and then the door opened revealing Leysritt.

“Did they leave finally?” Ilya asked without a seconds waste.

“Yes, they have just taken off from the airstrip.” Leysritt replied. Rushing to the nearest window, Ilya watched a metal bird recede towards the horizon.

“Good, finally some peace and quiet.” Ilya sighed then suddenly tried to hide her giggles.

“They would find out eventually would they not, milady?”

“Don't worry, by that time onii-chan will be mine, forever.” Ilya reached into her dresser and pulled out a strange looking doll resembling Shiro. “Right, onii-chan?”

-Bad End-