Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ A Grand Day Out ❯ Of Cats and Men ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

A Grand Day Out
Chapter One: Of Cats and Men
A Final Fantasy VII Fan Fic
From
The May to December Universe
By
Lady Aoi


Summary: Shinra execs spend a weekend at the Golden Saucer. Lard! Beer! Bizarre stage plays! Kidnappings! And…Hojo/Elena WAFF?!?! Eeeee! A side story for the longer fic May to December. This little scenario is kind of an "AU" for the May to December timeline and takes place shortly after Elena becomes Hojo's secretary in that fic. Be warned, though. It may also give you a taste for the pair's interactions in future M2D chapters. Needless to say, "A Grand Day Out" won't make a lick of sense unless you read May to December first. So please do so!
Pairings: Hojo/Elena… vaguely Hojo/Scarlet
Rating: R for some language, alcohol and drug use, Turkiness.
Spoilers: If you haven't seen Cloud's "Date" on Disc 1, you may wanna skip this one. Same if you don't know Cait Sith's real identity. Both surprises may be ruined for you otherwise.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hojo, Elena, the Shinra happy happy wacky team of Scarlet, Palmer and Heidegger, the Turks, Cait Sith or the Golden Saucer… hell, I don't really even own this idea. It's very old. Anyway, don't sue. Pwease?
Lady Aoi's notes: The Hojo muse and the Elena muse got a little silly and asked for an outlet. I was listening to too much R.E.M at the time. Blame it on that or be honest and just say "Lady Aoi likes squicky straight pairings!" One or both is probably right.

~*~

Simon Hojo was not amused. In fact, he could safely say he had not been truly amused since last Tuesday, when Palmer had sailed into the weekly Shinra board meeting smelling like a crop of recently harvested hemp and promptly fallen asleep with his head in Heidegger's lap. That had been amusing. The idiocy of his co-workers was always amusing.

That was, when it didn't involve him directly, as this trip to the godforsaken sleaze town known as The Golden Saucer certainly did.

"Sir?" Elena Marshall's golden eyes flickered in concern as her employer leaned back in his chair and groaned as he slid a gnarled hand over his eyes. "Are you uh… doing okay? The ropeway making you a little…" Elena put her hands on her stomach. "You know… blargh?"

The professor nodded, not removing his hand from his eyes.

"Well, don't worry. It'll be okay because I um… I sometimes get a little sick on these things, too, so I have some pills if you need 'em."

Despite his throbbing headache and dangerously churning stomach, Hojo shook his head. "No thank you, Ms. Marshall. I highly anything but a return to my Midgard apartment will cure this headache." Hojo's lips twitched into a small smile. "Well, baring a few sharp blows to the head, that is." Elena simply watched patiently as Hojo's right eye peered out at her from the space between his index and middle finger. "Would you care to do the honors?"

Inwardly, Elena sighed. Sure, a weekend company retreat at the Golden Saucer was probably so far beneath a guy like Hojo's intellect it wasn't funny, but still… "Sir, no offense or anything but…"

"But you have precious little interest in breaking a baseball bat over my head." Hojo shrugged. "Very well."

Mou, why did her boss have to be so damn sarcastic all the time?! "No, sir, that wasn't what I was gonna say…"

"You mean to tell me you would actually enjoy knocking me unconscious?"

Giving in to an almost primal urge to score a few points for beleaguered secretaries everywhere, Elena shrugged. "Hey, I'm a secretary. Don't push your luck, sir." And then she shook her head. "No. Actually what I was gonna say was that you should really just try and enjoy yourself this weekend." When Hojo simply stared at her as if she had just turned into a five foot ten inch mog, Elena blushed slightly and shifted her weight in her seat. "I - I mean," she said as he leaned forward. "That hey, you can't do anything to get out of this retreat, right?"

"Aside from mass homicide or faking my own death, you mean."

Elena smiled. "Well, think of how hard it would be to do those things, sir. I mean, where would you hide the bodies… or body, for that matter?"

"Touché."

"So, anyway, why not just try and enjoy yourself for the next two days? I know I sure am!" And it was true, too. The last thing most kids from the Sector Five slum had ever done was visit a cool amusement park like the Golden Saucer! And Elena meant to take full advantage of her Shinra All-Attractions Pass.

Hojo chuckled and straightened up in his seat. "Touché again, Ms. Marshall." He rewarded his secretary with an uncharacteristically gentle smile. "Hehehe. You certainly do take good care of me."

Despite herself, Elena blushed. "Oh, I dunno about that, Professor Hojo," she said as she turned towards the window. "Hey, look! We're just pulling in now… ohhh…" Elena's eyes sparkled with a light unrelated to any of the Golden Saucer's myriad mako-driven attractions as the ropeway pulled into the station. "Oh wow! Look at that roller coaster… and that building with the lights...is that the arcade?"

Hojo had to admit it. He always enjoyed watching Elena's reactions when faced with something new, and her excitement at seeing the sleazy amusement park was no exception to the rule. As Heidegger, Palmer, Scarlet, Baldy and a pouting Red made their way out of the ropeway, Hojo stood and placed his hand on Elena's shoulder. The shiver that coursed through her back at his touch was equally delightful.

"Ms. Marshall, shall we disembark?"

"Oh… oh sure, of course! No! No, don't do that!" Elena cried as she dived for Hojo's small carpet bag, virtually snatching it from his fingers at the last possible second. "I mean, you're not feeling so good, right?" She asked as she shouldered her own bulging green back pack. "So, might as well let me carry your bag, right?"

"You are far too good to me, Ms. Marshall." Hojo inwardly chuckled at the blush that crossed his young secretary's face. Excellent. The girl was falling further and further in love with him every day.

// At this rate it will only be a matter of time… //

"Hey, professor!"

Hojo smiled. "Right behind you, Ms. Marshall."

// Dearest. //

~*~

Elena sighed and gave the tin can another good kick. "Stupid fucking Gold Saucer," she muttered as the can slammed into a nearby gutter, causing a nearby family of tourists to look at her with concern. "Yeah, and what the hell are you looking at, huh? You've never seen someone get pissed the fuck off before?!" As the parents hastily bundled their puzzled children off ("what's 'pissed the fuck off', Mommy?"), Elena slammed her fist into her open palm.

"Dammit, of all the stupid crap to happen today! This really takes the cake!" She said to no one in particular. Of course, the minute they'd settled in at the Ghost Hotel, President Shinra had bundled all the executives off to the auditorium for their 'communicating as a positive team!' workshop… well, all but Reeve who wasn't feeling well, and Palmer who'd literally pitched a fit after being informed he'd have to wait 'til after the workshop to go to the Chocobo races. God, Palmer was such a stupid baby!

"Maybe if *I* threw a tantrum every time I didn't get my own way, things'd be different!" Elena huffed, placing her arms at akimbo. And it was true, too. Rude always did everything Reno wanted whenever the red-haired Turk threw a fit. Like half an hour ago, for example. When Reno had refused to let Elena join himself, Tseng and Rude for drinks at the Flying Jemnezmy because "oh no, 'Lena. You're waaaay too good for our kinda company. I mean, if ya can't even sit next to us on the ropeway without sitting next to Professor Fuckenstein, then why would you wanna drink with us?"

"I dunno," Elena had snapped. "Maybe 'cause you're my friends and Professor *Hojo* wasn't feeling good on the way up?"

"Yeah, whatever," Reno had snapped right back. "Why don't you just go on up to his room and wait for him so you can make him 'feel good' after that seminar?"

"Shut up, Reno! That's not funny!"

"Fuck, yeah it ain't! You see me laughing at that sick little crush you got on Professor Fuckhole?!"

"You call him that one more time and so help me I'll -"

"You'll what?! Little 'Lena's gonna hit me if I insult her old fart of a boyfriend?! Go on, rookie. Take your best fucking shot!"

Half an hour later, somewhere in Miracle Square, Elena winced as she slammed her injured fist into her palm again and decided that, perhaps, the guys and Tseng had decided not to invite her because of Reno's slight concussion and chipped left incisor. Come to think of it, she decided, even Tseng hadn't looked too pleased with her as they'd carried Reno over to the nearest bench.

"Well, fuck them then," Elena growled. "Reno was being a fucking baby, as usual. But of course, guys always stick together, thick and thin. Bros before Ho's. Bet they're yucking it up at the bar now, happy as frigging clams. Men! Ugh! I hate 'em. Hate the whole fucking species!"

"Hey, what's the matter, lady? Why's a nice girl like yerself using such dirty words?"

"'Cause my best friends are being dickheads, that's why!" Elena snapped.

"Aww, hey that's too bad. You wanna talk about it?"

"No, not really, thanks. Huh?" Realizing for the first time that she had no clue who was speaking with her at the moment, Elena turned around and found herself staring at a small stuffed black cat seated regally on top of a giant and equally stuffed pink mog.

"Huh. That's weird," Elena said as she looked behind the toys. "Don't remember those being there a few minutes ago. Hey, mister? Hello? Who was speaking to me just a second ago."

"That would be me, lady."
"You?" Elena looked again, but saw no one near enough to have spoken so loudly and clearly. "Who's you?"

"Who's me? I'm me, lady. Hey, look over at the cat and mog!"

"Elena did as she was told, but saw no one. Something was off, she decided as she leaned in closely to inspect the cat. "Wait a second. Did you just talk to me?"

And then the cat turned its head upwards and grinned at her. "Yup! That's right!"

"Eee!" Elena's eyes widened. "But… but you're not a guy in a mog… I mean in a cat and mog costume, are you?"

The cat shook it's head. "Nope, and proud not to be. Name's Cait Sith. This here's Moggy. Say hi to the nice lady, Moggy." Elena watched, astounded, as the large pink toy raised its paw and waved at her.

"Wow… hi, Moggy. It's nice to meet you, to-" Elena shook her head. "Hang on a sec. If you're not a guy in a costume, then how can you be talking to me?"

"Simple. Because I'm a machine. A fortune-telling machine to be precise." Cait Sith's eyes widened slightly as Moggy growled beneath him. "Oh, sorry Moggy. *We*. I meant to say we're a fortune telling machine." Cait patted the mog's head and grinned at Elena. "See, you ask me the fortune, Moggy shakes around and processes your request, then I read the fortune to you. We're a real team, him and me!"

"Oh… I get it," Elena smiled slightly, her bad mood temporarily forgotten. "Wow, this is really cool! A fortune telling mog and cat! Hey, if you don't mind my asking, are there more of you around here?"

Cait shook his head. "Nope. Just me, thank goodness!"

"And what do you run on?" Elena asked as she reached up to pet the cat's head. "Oh… um… is it okay if I touch you? I'm just… are you operated by a battery or a simple mako-driven clockwork system?" And is your voice pre-recorded or… I just ask 'cause it sounds so real, almost like someone was speaking through you! Hey, are you actually operated by remote control? 'Cause I work with this guy that sometimes builds things like you for -"

"No, no," Cait laughed. "Moggy and I aren't remote controlled at all, are we Moggy! Eheheheeheh! Heh. Sorry, didn't mean to freak out on ya there. But, well, Moggy gets kinda sensitive when people ask about how we're wired, so…" Cait's voice dropped to an almost conspiratorial whisper. "So it ain't a real good idea to ask him too much about it, if you know what I mean."

Elena nodded. "I get it. So you two have some kind of AI chip somewhere that gives you some kind of sense of self? That's so cool! You're really a work of art, Cait Sith… oh, and so are you, Moggy!"

"Well, thank you very much." Cait said as Moggy bowed low. "Hey, Moggy! Myoh! Careful there! You almost threw me off on the nice lady's shoes!"

"Elena," both toys looked up as the secretary spoke her name. "Elena Marshall."

"Nice to meet you, Elena Marshall. Now, back to my original question; why's a nice lady like you wandering around in the funnest place on Earth cursing a blue streak?"

Instantly Elena's face fell. They just had to remind her. "You wouldn't understand," she said at last.

"Oh, I bet you're wrong. See, Moggy and me are programmed to understand almost any feeling you could possibly have. So, what's the matter, Elena?"

Elena shrugged. "My best buddies are acting like dumb little five year olds 'cause I didn't spend all my waking time with them today. And they think that if I don't do that, I'm ignoring them."

"Mhh," Cait mused. "Hey, that sounds pretty bad. You usually spend most of your time with them?"

"Yeah, when we're not on the job," Elena huffed. "But they just don't get it, Cait. We're not nine years old anymore, and I have other things in my life that need my attention these days."

"Such as?" Cait asked, leaning a little closer.

"Oh, you know, work, money, work… crap like that."

"Crap like that, huh?" Cait smiled. "So they're just mad at you because you're working more these days, or what?"

"No, we all work a lot. They understand that."

"But I don't think I do. You said work is keeping you busy these days, but you also say your friends understand that… so, if they understand, they can't be upset about it, right?"

Elena shrugged. "Okay, it's more that they're mad about me spending any time with someone else they know… someone who I work with… kinda."

"Ah. I see."

"But they're not jealous… just concerned, I guess. I mean, the guy I'm spending time around lately is older than me, and he's also got a higher rank at our company."

"Let me see if I'm understanding… they think you're spending time with this person because you like him?"

"Well of course I like him! I mean he's smart, and funny, and really mature for once. Not like them at all. I mean, Rude and Reno are great, and I wouldn't trade them for anything but… but sometimes," Elena sighed. "Sometimes they act like they're my brothers or something. And then they start telling me who I should and shouldn't spend time with and who I should and shouldn't date and…"

"So you're dating this guy you kinda work with?"

Elena blushed. "No, no!" Cait and Moggy dodged out of the way as the secretary began flailing her arms with embarrassment. "No, that's not it at all! You see, I just like spending time with him, like eating lunch with him or talking to him when we bump into each other at work… I don't like him that way at all! Hahahaha! Why did you say that? Did you think I did or something, Cait? Huh. Maybe you need to check your wiring or something, 'cause I sure as heck don't like him like *that*!"

Cait actually frowned. "No, Elena, there's nothing wrong with mine or Moggy's wiring, thanks all the same!"

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

Cait shook his head. "No, not offended but… but the way you're talking, Elena… it really does sound as if your feelings for this guy run deeper than you're admitting."

Elena sighed and dug her toe into the pavement. "And what if they do? He's so amazing that I'm sure he could have anyone he wanted… and he probably already does, despite what he told me that time I walked in on him and…" Elena's voice trailed off miserably. "Yeah, Cait," she said after a moment's pause. "Yeah, I really do like him. A lot."

"Well, good. At least we got that part cleared up," Cait stood up on Moggy's head and put his paws on his furry hips. "But Elena… have you ever asked him how he feels?"

"Nope. He'd probably just yell at me."

"Oh, I bet he wouldn't. Who knows? Maybe he's just waiting for you to make the first move."

"Yeah, right. A guy like him? A guy that's got women crawling all over him?"

"You'd be surprised how shy men can be sometimes. Even the ones who have women crawling all over them." Cait paused for a moment and tapped his paw against his head. "Sometimes, really, they're the shyest."

"Oh, how would you know? You're a stuffed cat sitting on top of a stuffed mog, for god's sake! Oh!" Elena blushed and backed up slightly as Moggy growled. "I'm sorry. I should just shut up. I'm offending you guys for real this time."

"It's alright, Elena. Moggy and me've listened to worse things than that in our day, ain't that the truth, Moggy?" The mog rumbled in what sounded like agreement as Cait turned back to Elena. "But seriously, Elena? If I were you and I liked someone, I'd let them know. What's the worst that could happen? If he gets upset, just get a transfer to a different department."

"And if he screams at me or gets all sarcastic and defensive?"

Cait shrugged. "Then just take it in stride. But I bet you anything that won't happen."

"Promise?"

The cat winked at her. "Hey, I'll tell you what. Since you've been so nice to Moggy and me, why don't we give you a free fortune?"

"Really?" Elena smiled. "Okay, how do I do it?"

"Just push the little button on Moggy's right arm." Cait replied. "Then when he spits it out, I'll read it off."

"Okay, I guess," Elena reached out and pressed the button, then stood back as Moggy began to rock back and forth.

"Don't worry," Cait called as he clung to Moggy's ears for balance. "He does this all the time when he's computing! It's part of the magical mystery of the act and all."

Elena just nodded. This had officially become the strangest conversation she'd ever taken part in quite some time ago, anyway. At last, the mog ceased rocking and opened its jaws, revealing a small slip of paper. Grinning, Cait scampered down to Moggy's shoulders, plucked the fortune from his mouth and read it out loud:

"Today is a good day to realize your dreams."

"Huh?"

The cat flailed his arms. "Don't you see?! It's a sign! It's a sign that I was right! A sign that you should tell this guy how you feel!"

"I dunno, Cait… that was pretty vague if you ask me."

"Just trust me, Elena, Moggy's never wrong." Cait patted his partner's cheek then scampered back to his perch on top of the creature's head. "Now, why don't you go prove him right, eh?"

"Well…I dunno. It's kinda sudden to just come out and say "Hey, I like you!" don't you think?"

"Of course. So why not just ask him out on a date."

Elena's eyes widened. Of course! "Hey, that's brilliant!" And besides, what harm could come of that? She could always just invite him out for coffee or a drink or maybe to the stage play. And if he said no and got all bent out of shape over it… well, Cait was right. She could always get transferred to another department! Reeve's maybe.

"Alright. Okay, I'll do it!"

"That's the spirit! Hey, it was sure nice meeting you, Elena."

"Likewise to both of you! Ohh, I wonder if Professor Hojo would like to go on the gondola ride… but heights make him kinda dizzy so…"

The cat blinked. "Professor Hojo?'

Elena beamed. "Well, I should probably go find him! The meeting was supposed to only last about an hour! Hey, thanks again, Cait and Moggy!" Elena gave both of them a kiss on the head. "You're the best fortune telling machine I've ever met! We'll, see you later! Don't worry, I'll tell you how it goes."

"Hojo? W-wait!" But Elena had already jumped into the tube leading to the Ghost Hotel.

Cait Sith smacked his head with his paw and then bent down to look into Moggy's eyes. "Oh dear oh dear," he said.

And in his room at the Ghost Hotel, Reeve removed his hands from Cait Sith's remote controls and shook his head.

"Hojo?!" he asked the skeleton hanging three feet above his bed. "But I thought she liked Tseng…oh lord…"

(End Part One)