Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Beavis and Butt-head Do Midgar ❯ Midgar ( Chapter 1 )

Beavis and Butt-head Do Midgar

By RedPanthe

PG-13 for grossness, language, and some suggestive/sexual content.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this fanfic. MTV Networks owns Beavis and Butt-head (created by Mike Judge). Squaresoft owns Final Fantasy VII (created by Squaresoft and Eidos). No copyright infringement or plagiarism is intended.

WARNING:

Beavis and Butt-head are not role models. They're not even human. They're cartoons. Some of the things they do would cause a real person to get hurt, expelled, arrested, possibly deported. To put it another way: Don't try this at home.

With that done, enjoy the fanfic!

CHAPTER ONE: MIDGAR

(At the Seventh Heaven Bar in Sector 7 of Midgar, Tifa Lockheart and Marlene are glad to see Cloud Strife enter.)

Tifa: Hey Cloud!

Cloud: Hey. In case you're wondering, I didn't fight with Barret.

Tifa: Good.

(Then, Barret Wallace, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie enter.)

Marlene: Daddy!

Barret: Yo! The mission at the Sector 1 reactor was a success! Oh, and we got three newcomers.

Tifa: But I only see one new person working for AVALANCHE.

Biggs: You'll wish there were only one...

(Two people enter the door.)

???: This is the best day of our lives, huh huh huh.

???: Yeah, we're gonna score! Heh heh!

Jessie: There are your other newcomers.

Barret: Meet Beavis and Butt-head, da newest members of AVALANCHE.

Butt-head: Huh huh, he said, "butt," Beavis.

Tifa: BUTT-head??!

Butt-head: (sees Tifa) Whoa! Hey, baby, huh huh huh.

Beavis: Oh yeah, this IS the best day of our lives, Butt-head!

Barret: (to Cloud) Oh, Cloud, here's yer money!

(Gives 1500 gil to Cloud)

Beavis: If he gets paid with money, do we get paid with chicks?

(Barret slaps his hand in his face as if to say, "Oh, God!")

(The next day, everyone is on the train.)

Tifa: Again, Cloud. Why are THEY (points to the dorky duo, who are fighting each other) with us?

Cloud: Here's the explanation, minus the constant laughing and insults: They said that some RedPanther guy or something likes the story of our quest, but just for the hell of it, he sent them here to screw things up.

(The alarm goes off.)

Cloud: Oh great, we've been discovered!

Tifa: We gotta escape!

Beavis: Anywhere you go, I go! Heh heh!

Butt-head: Me too! Huh huh!

(They jump out, and get to where they meet the president.)

Shinra: Hello, you, uh, I forget who you are.

Barret: We're AVALANCHE! An' don't you forget that!

Butt-head: I'm not AVALANCHE, I'm Butt-head.

Beavis: And I'm Beavis. We wanna score with that chick with big thingies. Heh heh!

Butt-head: Huh huh huh!

Tifa: YOU ARE BOTH RUDE IDIOTS!

Shinra: Go, Air Buster!

(Shinra leaves, and AVALANCHE beats Air Buster.)

** KABOOM!!! **

Butt-head: Oh crap, I'm gonna fall with this Cloud dude...

Beavis: Yeah! I'm stayin' with the chick!

Butt-head: Butt munch!

(Butt-head and Cloud fall down.)

Cloud: Oww...

Butt-head: That hurt!

Aeris: Are you two all right?

Butt-head: Hey, baby.

Cloud: Oh no, he fell with me!

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. I'm not sure where Beavis is.

(Meanwhile...)

Beavis: I'm gonna score! I'm gonna score! I'm gonna score! I'm gonna score!

Barret: Shut up, you god dam' idiot! Anyway Tifa, I caught Heidegger from Shinra Incorporated, and he gave me a name.

Tifa: Who?

Barret: Don Corneo, but we better leave that dude alone.

Tifa: I dunno, I wanna get info from him.

Barret: ...

Tifa: Well?

Barret: ...Fine. Ya might as well take Beavis there with you.

Beavis: OH YEAH BABY! HEH HEH HEH!

(Then, Tifa and Beavis are looking for Don Corneo.)

Beavis: When do I get to score with you? Heh!

Tifa: What do you mean by that?

Beavis: Well, you can find out! Heh heh heh heh heh!

Tifa: (repulsed) Oh, yuck! I think I know what you mean!

(They find Corneo.)

Corneo: Whoa, a girl!

(He takes Tifa.)

Beavis: WHAT??! Heh heh! Dammit, I was gonna score! Heh heh! Dammit!

(He runs after Corneo's chocobo-driven cart)

(Cloud, Aeris, and Butt-head are in the playground by Wall Market)

Aeris: (to Cloud) So, what rank were you in when you were in SOLDIER?

Cloud: First Class.

Aeris (to Butt-head) What do you do, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Uh, I go to Highland High School. Huh huh huh. It sucks.

Aeris: Umm... okay...

(Then, Don Corneo's cart goes toward Wall Market.)

Cloud: Hey, there's Tifa!

Butt-head: The ?! WHERE?? HUH HUH HUH!

(Beavis is running after the cart)

Beavis: GET BACK HERE, DAMMIT!

Butt-head: Hey, there's Beavis! Beavis, wait for me!

(They go to Wall Market)

Butt-head: Beavis? You're here?

Beavis: Yeah. I wanted to go in there (points to Don Corneo's mansion), but they wouldn't let me in! Oh well. I got some candy!!

(Beavis eats all of the candy, and he becomes Cornholio. Then, Aeris and Cloud come.)

Aeris: Okay, let's go in!

Beavis/Cornholio: I am the great Cornholio!

Guard Person: You two (points to Cloud and Aeris) may enter. You teenagers (points to Cornholio and Butt-head) may not enter the Don's mansion!

Cornholio: Are you threatening me?!

Butt-head: Uh, who's "The Don?"

Guard Person: Don Corneo.

Cornholio: Don Cornholio?! That cannot be! I AM CORNEO!

Guard Person: No, no, he's Don Corneolio... no wait, I mean Corn Donholio... no, I mean... MY BRAIN HURTS!!!

(He falls to the ground.)

Butt-head: Huh huh, cool, we can enter.

(In the mansion...)

Tifa: Cloud?! Is it really you??

Cloud: Yup.

(Cornholio and Butt-head come downstairs)

Tifa: Oh no, not them...

Butt-head: Now that we've found everyone, let's get the hell out of here.

Cloud: For once, I agree with you.

Cornholio: You must bow down to the almighty bunghole!

Aeris: What's wrong with ?

- : When he eats too much sugar and/or caffeine, he becomes Cornholio.

Random Guard: Hey ladies! Get up here!

(They go to Corneo's office)

Corneo: (sees Cornholio and Butt-head) Wait wait wait! Who are they?

Scotch: Beats me.

Kotch: They must be new workers for you!

Corneo: Whatever. Now, to choose a woman!

Cornholio: I am the great Cornholio! I need T.P.! T.P. for my bunghole! Bunghole, bunghole, bungholio! Heh heh!

Corneo: No, I'm Corneolio!

Cornholio: NO! I AM CORNDONHOLICORNHOLIDONEOLIO!

Corneo: No, I am Holidoncorneolidonholio!

Cornholio: I am... AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!

(Cornholio turns back into Beavis because of the intense name confusion)

Corneo: Whoa! I'm confused! What the hell, I'll just dump you five in the sewer right now!

Beavis: That sucks!

Corneo: By the way, Sector 7 is gonna be destroyed!

Butt-head: That sucks more!

Tifa: You said it!

(They fall down, and somehow make it to Sector 7)

Aeris: I'll take Marlene to a safe place.

Tifa: All right. Come on, Cloud, Beavis, and Butt-head! We've gotta help Barret!

Cloud: Right!

(They find Barret)

Barret: It's about time y'all got here!

Head of the Turks (I forget his name): Too late! I have Aeris with me.

Beavis: DAMN YOU! I WAS GONNA SCORE! HEH HEH! DAMMIT!

(Butt-head slaps Beavis.)

Butt-head: No, you're too much of a butt monkey!

Beavis: Turd burglar!

Butt-head: Ass goblin!

Beavis: Butt hole!

Butt-hole: Fart knocker!

Cloud: Shut up! We need to escape before this place blows!

(They escape, and Sector 7 is destroyed.)

Barret: BIGGS! WEDGE! JESSIE! DAMMIT! GOD DAMMIT! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!

Beavis: Hee hee! Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!

Barret: SHUT THE #&%$ UP! IT'S NOT FUNNY!

Tifa: Don't worry, Marlene is safe!

Barret: Well, at least there's that.

Cloud: Let's go to Aeris' house.

(They do, and they learn about Aeris being fostered by Elmyra and all that other junk. They then go up to Shinra Headquarters, where Beavis opens the door.)

Beavis: GIVE US THE !

hinra Guard: Wha...?

Butt-head: Don't you guys know?

Shinra Guard: Know what?

Butt-head: About that Aeris chick! Huh huh huh!

(They battle and solve their way up to Hojo's laboratory.)

Cloud: All right, Hojo! Give Aeris to us!

Hojo: Not before I perform this experiment.

(Red XIII is put into Aeris' chamber, and Barret frees them both.)

Butt-head: I can't believe he was gonna fuse her to that butt-cat!

Red XIII: I am not a butt-cat!

Barret: No time to make introductions, we gotta move!

Aeris: Right! Let's do it!

Beavis: Heh! Hey Butt-head, she said,"do it."

Butt-head: Huh huh, cool, we're gonna score when we get out of here.

Tifa: Shut up, Butt-head!

Beavis: Hey! Only I'm supposed to say that!

Cloud: Here we are! The 68th floor elevator!

(The Turks enter)

Butt-head: Hey! I remember you! You tried to take Aeris away, you bastarrd!

Red XIII: You idiot! You gave us away!

Rude: That doesn't matter. We were gonna put you in jail anyway!

Beavis: Only if I'm put in a cell with Tifa.

Butt-head: No! Put ME in with just Aeris AND Tifa!

Beavis: Shut up, asswipe!

(They fight.)

Butt-head: Dumbass!

Beavis: Crap-face!

(They get thrown into cells as follows: Beavis and Butt-head in the first cell, Cloud and Tifa in the second, Barret and Red XIII in the third, and Aeris in the fourth.)

Beavis: Heh heh heh heh heh! Dammit! We're never gonna score! We think we're gonna score, and then we don't! Heh heh heh! Dammit!

Butt-head: Yeah, Beavis. I get the point already: things around here suck for us.

Beavis: Oh, Cloud, back in Wall Market we declared exclusive scoring rights to Tifa!

Cloud: Huh?

Butt-head: We have dibs on her, huh huh huh.

Tifa: SHUT THE SHITT UP, PERVERTS!!!

Cloud: Yeah, what she said!

Red XIII: I miss Grandpa...

Barret: Who's Grandpa?

Butt-head: Your mom!

Barret: Okay, after we escape, I'm so kickin' yer ass!

Aeris: Oh God...

(Later...)

Butt-head: I gotta go dump a load, Beavis.

(He leaves through the now open door. Cloud is also out in the hallway.)

Cloud: Something weird is happening around here...

Butt-head: Are you looking for the bathroom too?

Cloud: No, this guard is frozen.

Butt-head: Hmm...

(Butt-head moons the guard, and there is no response.)

Butt-head: Cool!

Cloud: (mildly worried) Not cool! Jenova is gone!

(So, they get everyone out of the cells and they follow the trail of blood left by Jenova. They find President Shinra is dead.)

Aeris: The president is... is... dead?

Cloud: It must have been Sephiroth. He's the only one who can use his distinctive sword.

Beavis: Who the hell is Sephiroth?

Cloud: He's... wait! He's still alive?! That must mean...

(Butt-head walks to the helicopter pad.)

Butt-head: Huh huh huh. Maybe there's a TV here!

(A helicopter lands near him, and a white-clad person emerges)

Butt-head: Uh, can I borrow this helicopter?

Rufus: No.

(The others come to the helicopter pad.)

Barret: Oh man! I forgot about Rufus!

Rufus: That's right. I'm Rufus, the new president of Shinra Incorporated.

Beavis: Dibs on being the next president!

Rufus: How about not?

Cloud: Okay! Everyone go now! I'll take care of Rufus!

(Everyone except Cloud gets to the bottom floor.)

Beavis: Let's go already!

Tifa: No! We gotta wait for Cloud!

Red XIII: Who are these two idiots?

Aeris: They're Beavis and Butt-head.

Butt-head: That's right. Now let's get the hell outta here.

Barret: NO!!!

(Then, Cloud comes on a motorcycle and everyone else piles into the nearby truck. They make their way down the highway, beat the robot boss, and get out of the vehicles.)

Cloud: So, Sephiroth is still alive. We have to find him!

Beavis: No way! My butt still hurts from all that fighting we did back there!

Butt-head: Yeah, why should we worry about some old guy?

Cloud: He wants to find the Promised Land.

Aeris: Yeah, and I can find out find out more about myself.

Butt-head: We know enough about you: the fact that you're hot!

Beavis: Heh heh heh heh!!

Butt-head: Huh huh huh huh!!

Barret: RRRRGGGGHHHH!!! DON'T YOU TWO HAVE ANY INTELLIGENCE AT ALL!!!!!

Beavis: I do, but he doesn't.

(Butt-head knees Beavis in the groin.)

Beavis: OOOOWWWWW!!!

Tifa: Oh, God, and this quest has only begun...

Narrator: So, our heroes and our two favorite idiots begin their long search for Sephiroth. What new friends and foes will they encounter? How screwed up will the story become? Will Beavis and Butt-head ever score? When will Cloud find Sephiroth? Will they find all of the ultimate weapons? What are the ultimate weapons of Beavis and Butt-head? Why am I asking YOU all of these questions? All will unfold (and more) in the next chapter of "Beavis and Butt-head Do Midgar!" See ya soon!

END OF CHAPTER ONE!!!