Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Bloodcross Key: Arc 2: Reversals ❯ Part 4 ( Chapter 4 )

*****Part 4:

        That which he had feared stared blankly at him from dead blue eyes; The same dead and distant blue which had horrified him in that wretched room, devastated him yet again. The Seifer before him, so pale and fragile, even against the white of the room, was unrecognizable as the one he knew and admired, the one haunting his dreams. And considering the look of death in his eyes, his face, his expression, even his coloring had its pallor, perhaps Seifer was haunting him.

        He turned away his gaze, driving back the tears bombarding his control. Damn! No matter how much he tried, his intentions were always shot to hell. Squall Leonhart never hoped for anything, but standing in the doorway to Seifer's room proved hope had crept its way into him anyway. He never relied on anyone but himself, but Seifer proved that wrong as well. Seifer always managed to bring out in him what Squall didn't even know existed or wanted to. And without trying, without even being the same Seifer, he still did.

        "I thought I just told you to wait outside?" Doctor Kadowaki scolded as she set a glass of water on the bedside table, a bent, white straw swaying with the jarring motion..

        Yeah, well, seeing Seifer, awake, he was glad he didn't. Seifer needed someone who knew what had happened. And as well intentioned as Kadowaki might be, she wasn't it. True, he had no fucking clue how to help Seifer. Hell, he didn't know how to deal with his own problems. But he'd be damned if he wouldn't find a way! Seifer wouldn't be alone. Not anymore.

        Squall's storm blue eyes stared straight and unwavering at the Doctor. "I was tired of waiting," he muttered with a shrug.

        He glanced at Seifer, masking the pain eating him alive. If it were possible, the blond gazed at him with eyes even more dead and broken than before; Eyes more like cracked crystal clouded by infinite fractures than the lively gems, vibrant with passion, he had taken for granted. But then, he had taken everything about Seifer for granted.

        Seifer turned away, slumping against his pillows. He was still achingly beautiful, still like a perfectly carved statue, but no longer just in the classical lines and form of male beauty. He could claim the lifelessness of cold stone and the ruin of time as well.

        Doctor Kadowaki shook her head, exasperated. "Acting headmaster or not, the Infirmary is my domain. I expect to have my orders followed," she said sternly, a hand on her hip.

        He did. And he was tired of it. He had a promise to keep and he was going to keep it. No matter what, he was going to keep Seifer safe. Squall merely stared at her impassively.

        She sighed. "Well, since you're already here, you can make yourself useful." She picked up the glass and held it out to Squall. "Maybe you'll have better luck keeping him calm while he drinks this. You seem to handle him pretty well when he's having his nightmares."

        How the hell did she know? He thought she wasn't around when he was visiting at night? Squall stepped forward, the shock on his face unhidden, and took the glass.

        Wait, what did she mean about keeping him calm? Why would... He shut his eyes for a moment, as if shutting out the terrible thoughts of what had been in those files.

        Walking across the small room, he stopped at the side of Seifer's bed, the one the blond was facing. Squall pulled a chair forward, wincing as it scraped loudly against the floor, and sat down.

        "Hello, Seifer," he said forcing a slight smile. "How you feeling?"

        A pained expression crossed Seifer's face and he closed his eyes, wrapping his arms protectively around himself.

        "Doc!" Squall cried. He lurched forward to do something to help but didn't know what, his hands fluttering about in ineffective motion.

        Doctor Kadowaki shooed Squall back into his chair and grasped Seifer's wrist by two fingers, then studied her watch for more heartbeats than Squall could coherently count.

        She frowned, laying Seifer's arm gently on his bed.

        What was wrong? Was Seifer okay? He would do anything to make Seifer okay again. "What?"

        "I'll be back in a few minutes. I need to get a few things to run some tests," she murmured distractedly as she strode to the door. "But I think it's what we discussed a few days ago, I just want to be sure. You stay here and watch him while I`m gone. I won`t be long."

        Squall nodded absently.

        "And make sure he drinks, and slowly."

        Squall nodded again, his storm blue eyes completely focused on the blond curled in the bed before him.

        The door shut with a quiet click.

        "Seifer?" he said softly, his hand hovering, wanting to touch Seifer's shoulder in comfort. Wanting to... hold him. But he was afraid. Afraid to frighten him, afraid to leave himself vulnerable by expressing any of his feelings, afraid of feeling, and afraid of what those feelings were, what they might mean. "Seifer, the.. umm... Doc wants you to drink this so you can get better."

        Seifer opened his eyes and stared at him with blue so pale and lifeless and painfully beautiful, Squall's mind and heart collided into a flurry of confusion and conflict. He didn't know what to say, or do, or think. So he didn't. Latching onto the one thing he could handle, an order, he held the glass out to Seifer in invitation.

        Seifer sighed, a sad, heartbreaking sound, and leaned forward slightly, his blond lashes lowering as his gaze fell to Squall's outstretched hand. Squall moved to sit on the edge of the bed so the blond wouldn't strain himself and raised the straw to Seifer's pink lips, dry and slightly chapped but so perfect. As he did, his fingers accidentally brushed against them, softer and more warm than even his dreams imagined, jolting him with a force so intense he nearly jerked his hand away in shock.

        Their eyes met. For the space of a breath Squall swore a familiar glimmer awoke in the blue-green staring blandly at him, then it was gone. With a faint snarl, Seifer grabbed the glass and weakly slapped Squall's hand from him. Seifer's gaze darted away, resting where ever Squall wasn't, while he slowly drank.

        It shouldn't have hurt, but it did. He shouldn't have cared, but he did. It should have mattered, but it didn't. Maybe they weren't friends, maybe Seifer didn't really care about him, but there was no way in hell he was going to abandon Seifer again. Irrational, and stupid, maybe, but true.
 

**********

        The cool water washed down his throat, moistening the dryness in an almost painful, scratchy sting which slowly eased with each careful swallow. He could feel Squall's beautiful blue eyes on him, boring into him with concealed contempt.

        Any other time in his life, having Squall so near him, so close, would have brought a happiness greater than he could dream; Squall's warm body and touch, electrifying, like his eyes, focused on him, and him alone. But Seifer couldn't bear the pity and disguised disgust waiting to pierce his heart again if he dared look back. Squall had to know what had happened, to know how horrible his crimes must be to deserve such punishment.

        And Squall had to know how utterly useless he was to anyone or anything. He was surprised Squall didn't laugh in his face, expose his humiliation for the world to see. Maybe, it could be one more step in his atonement, though atonement usually implied some sort of redemption. But he didn't deserve redemption, and even if he did, there was nothing left to redeem.

        However, Seifer still had a debt to pay. Hopefully, Squall didn't hate him too much, so he could repay it in the only other way he knew how, becoming a SeeD. He could at least play the part, a lifetime of training had to come to some benefit. He had nothing else left but to try.

        "You're welcome to stay here, uh...," Squall said quietly, suddenly breaking the silence, his voice strained. "... at Garden, as long as you like, until you feel... feel ready to go back to classes."

        Why was Squall being nice? Why! Why had he `saved' him at all, as if there was anything to save? Well, it didn't matter. He couldn't screw up the chance. He owed too many people too much.

        Seifer shook his head slowly. "I'm fine. I'll go back to class tomorrow."

        "But..." Squall gasped, like he was surprised, and almost disappointed. Could he actually care, or was he hoping Seifer would turn him down and leave the second the Doc let him?

        "It's none of your business, Leonhart," Seifer interrupted, shoving all his fears and pain into a mask so cold even he didn't recognize his own voice. "Unless I'm not welcome as a student anymore?"

        Squall sighed, so resigned and sad, Seifer couldn't help himself and looked up at him. The last thing he ever wanted was to hurt Squall, even if the dark, brooding angel hated him. Though he couldn't understand why Squall would be hurt. Yet, there it was anyway in Squall's storm blue eyes, shocking and painfully beautiful, like lightning. And then it was gone.

        "Of course you`re welcome. I...I'll let your instructors know you'll be returning."

        Seifer nodded, then turned away. He needed to be alone. No one should have to suffer being around him, least of all Squall.

        The bed shifted and Seifer shivered under the warmth hovering so close he could smell, nearly taste, it. Faintly metallic and the musk of leather, with crisp underlying scent of dried leaves on the first day of fall, Squall could easily make him forget, yet made him all the more ashamed. He was a fool to even think for a fraction of a second that what Squall refused for so many years, would ever be possible. He had so little to offer before, and now he had absolutely nothing. Squall needed to get away, to leave him alone. He could never defile someone so beautiful, someone he loved as much as Squall with the wretched presence of someone like himself. He would die first.

        Seifer let the empty glass fall onto his lap and wearily rubbed his temples. He needed to be alone. Alone. Where no one hurt except him. Like it should be.

        "Is...is there anything you need?" A hand gently touched his knee.

        Don`t! Go away. He wanted to cry, to scream. To bury himself in Squall`s arms and never let go. But he  must settle for being alone. "...not really," he murmured flatly.

        Squall was silent, his hand still resting on Seifer's knee. "I'm sorry," he finally whispered, his voice so tight it began to break. The hand left. "I'm... sorry."

        No! Stop it! He wouldn't let Squall pity him. He wouldn't! He would do whatever it took to end his debt to those his foolishness wronged. And then... Then, if he still lived, he would end that too. No sense burdening anyone with pitying and suffering his useless existence.

        With a coldness which would have rivaled Squall`s of a few months ago, Seifer replied, "Are you through?"

~~~~~~~~
(end part 4)
(tbc)
~~~~~~~
Next
 
 
 
&nbs p;